Wonderful...

Pain is so weird.

I thank the Lord the Holy Spirit wholly mitigates such things, even unto healing.

Because something like that shouldn't hold sway over doing the things directed, and so it won't. By the grace of God.

Today has been another day so blessed as to be able to proclaim the Gospel. =) Jesus, my Lord, son of God, come in the flesh, crucified as propitiation for my sins and all the sins of the world, resurrected, ascended to the right hand of the Father, above, that all who believe on Him should not perish but have everlasting life.

And by the stripes He bears, I have been and am healed. Praise Him, forever!

I still...it just utterly destroys me to think about it...those wounds.

How could we have rejected Him so utterly as to crucify Him, as to even wound Him at all? Rejection, itself, is such a wound...

And except for the grace of God in drawing me to salvation, I would reject Him, still. And it utterly breaks my heart, just to think on. To think on all those years of mockery and rejection, when all the while His love was true and unfailing...and He'd given Himself as sacrifice, even while I...while we all...were in such hatred as disobedience unto even blasphemy. He gave all, that I...that we all...could have Life.

And not just the shadow of life which this physical realm consists, in ways, but life eternal. In His light. In the light of His love. His unfailing, unflinching, unwavering Love.

I'm so grateful that He's so gracious to forgive. And so merciful as to correct. To scourge, as I've been told "chastise" more readily translates in the verse which reads that "He chastises those whom He loves," or some.

Got to talk with my dad about that for a minute, earlier. About scourging.

I've been scourged a lot, given how wretched I'd been.
The things I did yielded circumstances which were even unto death...full of mental anguish, physical torment, and absolute pain. I opened the door to all the pain, by way of my own disobedience.

And the results ultimately brought me to surrender to God, knowing fully and finally accepting that no plan I could ever lay or signify would come to anything except torment, as attempted outside of the Lord's will for my life.

That finally came roundabouts January, then repentance began to follow, shortly thereafter.

By the world's standards, I'd been doing so well. So well. And was utterly miserable. Utterly.
And acted out, in misery. To the point that I'd become suicidal again, then after a week's hospitalization during which meditation upon God became the rule...I realized that the things I'd been doing were terribly unsuitable. And that there had to come a drastic change, so as to be able to focus on the things which mattered.

Not on money, which has never satisfied and has always seemed such a strange thing. Numbers are so illusory and transient.

Not on "success," given that having prestige didn't sit well as it altered the way people responded and regarded me.

But change as to begin to pursue what was truly fulfilling...learning and art and beneficial interaction.

And the moment I got out of the hospital (still fully shaken, really)...I started making plans, even while forcing attention away from worry as wholly destructive.

And, making plans, I started getting sick. To the point that I was bed-ridden with what was either bronchitis or pneumonia (high fever for multiple days, total weakness, and all the many things coming out of lungs).

Yet, even in the midst of that, I'd refused to back down from making plans after the first couple days of physical misery. I refused to be stopped from planning.

And, in the midst of all that--being fairly incapacitated by fever and relentless coughing, yeah--my back went out.

Two days into being unable to walk, in the midst of laying in the floor attempting to find some measure of relief which was completely unforthcoming...staring up at the ceiling, I remember just finally giving up, realizing that God had me where He wanted me, and it was beyond me to be able to keep running away.

Surrender or die. Same deal as when I fell off the balcony, in 2006.
I had to accept that there was absolutely nothing I could do to change anything, given that it was all according to His will...NOT mine.

And, having that experience in 2006, then in 2012 after having recovered my stolen vehicle...out of fear surrendering partially to the Lord, in word...then in 2014, to really begin to not just experience His presence in passing but to realize my complete and utter inadequacy? And to FINALLY admit defeat? And to feel remorse for having run so long and so hard, and remorse for having been so terribly, terribly disobedient. Repentance began in earnest, even as it wasn't something decided...it just came by way of realizing my insufficiency before God, in consideration of His patience and love for me...especially considering that I really deserved no better than condemnation and death.

And even then, it still took until some time between mid-February and late-April for repentance to yield to sanctification. I was still so very stubborn and willful. So full of bitterness and pain.
Rage was become a near-constant companion, outside of work. As had impatience tended. But...sometime in April, everything changed.

All of a sudden, it's just...everything became God-focused. Jesus centered. And I don't know if it was on the 6th of April, the Sunday when it just became of the utmost importance that church be a vital activity. Or, on either the 23rd or 30th of March, either or both of which were days when it just also became a necessity, out of nowhere.

One of those Sundays, or one of the ones immediately thereafter constituted the day when, while taking communion and during receiving prayer, I told the Lord that I wanted to be able to feel His presence in that same way, all the time.

It made all the difference. Everything changed.

Work was different. Talking with people was different. Going to church was different.
Reading the Bible became different.

All of a sudden, it was no longer about the things being done, but about being able to glory in Him in whatever was going on.

I had no words for it, except to that first day write in praise of how wonderful He is, for all things.

It's like...all of a sudden, I could see. And could hear. And could speak. Having been blind and deaf and dumb, for so long.

Everything was in a completely new light. His Light.

And the experience of Him is more fascinating than anything I'd ever experienced in my life, and it's a new experience every day so long as I seek Him first.

Because that had been one of my initial concerns, given how quickly I'd always lost interest in things as they began to make sense and had begun to be mastered....I'd feared the same of this budding relationship with Him.

But it's not like that, at all. Because no matter how much I learn, there's evermore that much more and then some, still. "Mastering" one point isn't even a blip on the radar.

And it's all directed by Him, too, because I couldn't even do surrender right. Again--it took three times, by His leading grace, and even then...He had to walk me through every step of the way. It wasn't within me to be able to surrender, except that His grace made way and pulled me through.

My mind goes back to so many things from childhood--moments of reflection. Moments of calling on Jesus, and of Him responding.

So, all the more do I repent of those intervening years. And thank Him for keeping me, still. And for all the requisite scourging and scouring.

So, what's a bit of pain, in the consideration of glory? =)

I just keep remembering, too, what a strange thing my most recent boss said to me, not long before I ended up being called back up here, to Virginia. He said it was a blessing from God to have me there. And, then he stopped himself and looked entirely confused, and he and his subordinate manager shared a very confused look. It was very odd.

What can a person say to that?
I know what did end up coming out of my mouth, and though brief, it certainly didn't help matters.
They were even more confused by what he'd said, and I was even more humiliated.

So, I ran.

Literally.

Insomuch as it's possible to do so, from close quarters, without actually having an outright appearance of fleeing.

I started attending two churches, Easter Sunday. The next Sunday, I was led to be baptized by water.
It wasn't something to fight. The whole fire-in-mah-bones sort of unction--it was wholly given as an immediate direction. He leads like that when it's something which must be done then and there, has been my experience.

Very gratefully so.

Because, yeah--what-with how long it took me to yield to His calling back to Himself? I don't listen well. And I've been praying about that for about a year and a half, now. Obedience is of UTMOST importance.

He's God, not me. His will be done, NOT mine. My will is crap. Utterly.

Complete crap. Everything I ever tried to map out for myself, without asking the Lord, ended up leading straight to death. No passing "Go," rarely collecting "$200"...pretty much just death. And the older I've gotten, the faster that destination has been reached per course of attempted self-direction.

It's just what it is.

Some go that way slowly, doing their own thing. Still the same destination, if it's a course set outside the Lord, though.

But I can't step outside of Him. He's my shield. He keeps me.

Even as there's soooooo, sooooooooooo, soooooooooooooo much stuff that I have absolutely no awareness, let alone understand, of...I do understand that Life is in Him, and that's all that matters to me.

Because He's awesome. He takes care of me, makes sure all my needs are met. And He's faithful in helping me take up my cross daily, and in helping me mortify the flesh so that it's less and less a detraction from my walk with Him.

Such that having a migraine is no longer something to keep me from doing as is desired for the Lord's work.

Pain is as much subjective as is anything else that's an aspect of physical experience. It's subject to the Lord. Subject to the Holy Spirit. Subject to the will of God Almighty.
And, so, it will not rule me. Because the Lord rules me. And delivers me. And heals me.
And has woken me from death, numerous times, for which I couldn't even begin to praise Him enough. Because I certainly didn't deserve salvation, nor deliverance, nor healing.

But He sacrificed all that I could be saved, delivered, and healed.

And so, I am saved, delivered, and healed. By Jesus, in His precious, holy name and by the wonder of His sweet Presence. The Holy Spirit always be with you all.

The Lord is always present.
Thank you, Jesus!

Baptized on April 27, for the second time in my life. The first time I was baptized, I don't remember. I believe I was 9 years old. My mother was being baptized, so I wanted to be, too. I don't remember how largely the Lord factored into the decision, but believe He did.

Either way, April 27 marked public baptism in water, and September 4 (technically 5--it was after midnight) was such a blessing as to have received baptism of the Holy Spirit. Which has made all the difference, having sought and prayed for months.

So, there are still so many things which are unknown. And so many things only barely realized.
But I know the Lord and profess Him freely, now. For the first time in my life, that latter.

It's such a difference. I'd always worried so much about what to say to people. But He gives me words. He lets me know. And if there's something I shouldn't stay, He stays my hand.

Just...having this experience of Him, in Spirit and in Truth...in Spirit and in the Word of God, in other words...I keep praying that so many others do, too. Because it's so vital.

I get such odd responses to some folks to whom I'm permitted to share certain things. And one, as mentioned after such a one, was jealousy. Which...really...makes no sense, because it's not something which is restricted from others.

YES, there is a price. Anything of great value comes at high cost. Our salvation was bought at a high price. A higher price than ever was paid or ever will again be paid.

But in Him are all riches, though they're not of this world as the world counts riches.

In Him are all things good.

And, as the Father is so loving as to lead us to Jesus, to accept Him as Savior, we can surrender to His love and be made whole.

For His yoke is easy, and His burden is light.

Just...we much take up our cross daily. We must die to self. We must surrender completely to Him, as He knows our needs better that we ever could. And He's faithful to provide. Continuing as a living sacrifice to the Lord is the only way.

That's the cost.
Every day.

The alternative is eternal damnation.

So, yeah...choices, huh?

Be fulfilled in all things, in the Lord (even as it's not a worldly fulfillment it's more complete than anything the world has to offer!). By dying to self in surrendering wholly, daily to Him.

Or

Find whatever paltry comforts, hollow and still in the world, for a brief span such as is a man's life. And, for such errant disobedience even as is man's refusal of the Lord...be condemned to hell by course of your own nature.

...as for me, I'd always wanted happiness and fulfillment. I'd always wanted to know God.
And public humiliation is something that's been a lifelong happenstance, so it's not too far off from what's known to be all-in on self-mortification as a living sacrifice.

I just thank the Lord for all His mercies and grace which He's shown such a wretch as me.
How could I not so love the one who loved me so unflinchingly, as to give my life to Him?

He's faithful to keep me true to Him, even, and for that...wow. Even when I wander, He corrects me. Sometimes gently, sometimes sharply--depending upon my errancy. So, praise Him!

Jesus is Wonderful.