There have been so many small compromises, again, which have amounted to a vast departure from devotion to seeking the Lord.
That could be interpreted in a very legalistic way, granted. There've been times--whether readily apparent or not--where diligent devotion to the Lord has gone from being a point of desperate need of Him--requirement of drawing nearer in whatever ways possible--to being a point of secret pride--exalting in the apparent rigors of devotion. The latter encapsulating the fruits of legalistic pursuits: self-congratulatory appraisals of one's own efforts and the "results."
Or it could be legalistically interpreted as though devotion was a matter of fulfilling a checklist of "religious activity required"--seeking comfort or reassurance or some other sort of self-determined reward from the consistency or perceived rigor of efforts. Like pursuing a knowledge, in some capacity, of Jewish roots and heritage, only to begin to feel pressed to adhere to the Levitical laws. Per a budding belief that Judaica is more nearly attuned to God's desires per the activities prescribed and gifted them as oracles of His being and will and manner, from ages past--as though something, anything could actually add to the acceptance of God found in Christ (Or: could add to God's pleasure in me which is actually known solely through Christ).
Along which lines, I see nothing in Scriptures attesting to degrees of acceptance or degrees of righteousness, but only two categories: righteous or wicked. Again and again, throughout Scriptures. Even in Paul's exhortations to churches, there's a call to return to Christ, to set aside weights hindering such pursuit. There's a "yes" or a "no," to things. Either be reconciled and walk in the light, or be entirely lost and in darkness. Where there's any co-mingling of such--like as of those who were lamented for entertaining gross sins and/or for pursuing false doctrines and/or for apparent failure to continue to pursue knowledge of God in Christ--the edict is to turn, to repent, and to return to Christ. And sometimes that entailed setting aside the idols and making public the errors and sins (as far as external, accompanying acts go). But those works didn't define or constitute the return to Christ, rather they evidenced it.
Showing fruits "worthy" of repentance is what John the Baptist called it, per the King James translation. And I wandered across a text a few days ago discussing the difference in interpretation of words--modern versus archaic--which discussed that phrasing as not being adequate to modern understanding. Rather, connotational intent was that there were no evidences of repentance having occurred. He was indicting on grounds that despite religious leaders' turn-out at his place of ministry to God, there were no actual evidences that they had in fact turned to God. There were no evidences of reckoning with their own sinfulness. No evidences of turning to God for mercy. Rather, there was only continuation of an external appearance of conformity to His will--lives chock full of works and adherence to Levitical law (and then some)--while their hearts were full of self-exultation, hatred and poison. Calling them vipers makes it seem as though they were lethal to more than merely themselves, living as such.
God's law as given to Moses constituted the fixed point around which their entire lives orbited. And yet they did not love Him. We know He did save some out of rigorous external adherence to religious morality (which was intended to signify and constitute righteousness) unto surrender to Him even perhaps through awakening them to the true nature of their own sin, their need of mercy, and awareness of their own inability to ever measure up to His law (the schoolmaster intended to directed us to our need for Christ's all-sufficiency): Like as with Paul, even.
After being dumbstruck at the truth of Jesus's identity, Paul spent the remainder of His life exalting God and proclaiming faith as the saving grace, not works..
...anything we could add to or take away from the salvation or acceptance we have before God (which comes solely in and through Christ) we would glory in, is the problem: That's the nature of sin, the power at work in our flesh: We are prone to glorify ourselves rather than God given any room for that sinful, fleshly impulse to find a grasp or a crevice in our hearts from which to do so. Likewise, we are prone to compare ourselves to one another and judge one another--even to exalt ourselves or debase ourselves compared with others--all based on apparent abilities or accomplishments or deeds or any else which we've adopted and adapted as some idolatrous basis for turning our eyes off of Christ and onto either ourselves or others (which amounts to the same thing, ultimately).
But that's not the Gospel.
The truth of the matter is that we're all sinful wretches. We're all idolatrous, blood-thirsty self-seekers who would like to take vengeance and justice into our own hands if we were permitted. Or idolatrous, self-abasers who erstwhile despair of life and perceived meaninglessness. Or idolatrous, ungrateful wanderers who refuse to acknowledge we are not our own but owe subservience and devotion to our Creator God. Or howsoever else, as nonetheless refusing to honor and love God as we have been created to do. And that is unjust. That is unfair to our Creator. That not only does disservice to Him, it actively maligns Him as being unworthy His due: loving devotion.
If we loved Him, we would long for His fellowship. If we loved Him, we would seek Him first. If we loved Him, our delight would be in Him and not merely in the gifts He lavishes (including the abilities He's ordained each of us to possess).
If we loved Him, we would want to know everything about Him we could conceivably manage to attain.
Rather than constantly being more concerned with nearly anything and everything else going on--whether in our own hearts and minds and lives or those of others around us.
Prov15:16 Better is a little with the fear of the LORD, Than great treasure and turmoil with it. 17 Better is a dish of vegetables where love is Than a fattened ox served with hatred.
But if we know Him and enjoy the fellowship of His Spirit, we are in His love, so whatever comes our way constitutes a better situation than being anywhere outside of His fellowship.
Yet it is a constant pull to be turned to distractions--even just thoughts and moods and pressing responsibility. Rather than to enter each with prayer and to pray to Him all the while throughout each, treasuring His fellowship and presence all the while. (He doesn't turn us to neglect responsibilities or needs, but He ensures they are met with a new vigor and joy as being to His glory, even per rejoicing all the while just to know Him.)
That is such a travesty: turning away from the source of all life and joy, again and again. And I am very grieved over having erred so many times and continually, as such.
He reminds again and again that He is the Shepherd, not me. And these falterings are evidence of the depth of my need of Him, that I don't have the power nor consistency nor diligence nor wherewithal not to be drawn astray unless He keep me.
So I learn more about His faithfulness when He again recovers me after I've been let to stray. When pride begins to creep up at "how well I'm doing in pursuing Him, how consistent," then comes the fall--then comes the straying. And from each to each, every time He recovers me He has allowed a deeper glimpse into how very utterly lost I would ever and continually be without His mercies and His constant provision--even drawing and keeping me in contented, loving devotion, again blessedly warming my heart to Him anew.
So, anxiety is high. Depression has (increasingly, until very recent) been a constant companion again for months--despite attempts to also deny that presence. But not without hope. And though these things are torturous in their own ways, still, the desire to be more consciously surrendered and walking with the Lord isn't arisen out of desire for deliverance from them.
No, but to just be nearer to Him again. Though He's never left: My own thoughts have strayed, my own heart has dimmed again against His love by the clamoring of so many attempted distractions as alternate "fulfillments" and "provisions:"
Distraction from pain does not cause the pain to cease--though that's been a lifelong means of coping with grief. This tendency has constituted the largest part of what's undergirded and driven straying, lately--wanting not to be so utterly grieved, wanting not to bear the grief of so many things pressing in on all sides, ultimately having no means to bear through on my own...and turning to old methods of coping rather than continually turning to Jesus.
The pain of reality is sometimes so overwhelming--loss, deaths, tragedies, devastations, disasters, injustices, so many things. But whatsoever constitutes actively turning away from truth and reality of these matters (even seeking empty distractions which numb the mind so to lessen the acuity of grief)...constitutes turning away from Him. You cannot avoid reality, avoid truth, without simultaneously shutting out awareness of and devotion to God, simultaneous.
But I trust Him. He is faithful, or I wouldn't still be alive and wouldn't still have sense enough to keenly long for His fellowship. And I would rather have searing truth and devastating grief with my God's company and preserving love...than have a lifetime of distracting achievements and pleasures and worldly accomplishments which nonetheless leave me utterly empty and without fundamental hope, all the while.
Which isn't to say that "accomplishment" and "achievement" can't be part of walking with Him, no. Just that any pursuit of busyness (no matter how seemingly beneficent or lauded) for sake of avoiding truth, thus avoiding God--or for sake of finding "alternate meaning" than that which comes along course of loving Him and walking humbly with Him as we're created to do--is empty.
Anyway, I'm just grateful He hasn't left us all as orphans. We have His Spirit and His Word. And fellowship with others who love Him. He is a good Father.
Jesus's sacrifice to atone for our sins was and is sufficient. His resurrection is proof.
And He reigns.
