Judgment, Confusion, and Certainty

 Sometimes everything seems so confusing to me. How ought interaction to be? What should I be doing with my life? Is my time well spent? Why are there not more people near? What is the appropriate way to air concerns about society and the world? Where is it most appropriate to plead God's Truth, unto the Gospel? Is it wrong to long for marriage?

Should I be able to disengage from my emotions well enough not to be affected by so many things? Should I be less open with my beliefs and feelings, in general? Or just more diplomatic, in discussion?

And it's just endless--on and on, concerned about what's right, what's wrong, and how things should be and be understood and undertaken. 

Sometimes, turning those thoughts toward the Lord--asking Him for wisdom--He grants insight, or peace, or clarity. But sometimes, the need to just submit everything to Christ and seek Him and take matters one step at a time is all that's realized. 

I want very much right now to be able to have absolute clarity on the particular matter of how to have godly interactions with my brothers in Christ. That is a point of sorrow, really--wanting there to be some way to have nearness without emotional developments. And it was pointed out to me a couple months ago (or maybe one month ago) that I don't experience that sort of emotional development with married men, so the same should be the standard unless a man is actively, openly pursuing me--having stated his intention clearly. 

That sounds great. Because that is the case, when it comes to married men--there's something different, internally, as response. But then, in general, there's really sparse interaction with other women's husbands, except for in very specific, fairly stringently controlled contexts. So, possibly that is a vital difference--preventative measures, given an the overarching revulsion for known adultery? And I don't usually interact much with men now at all, on the whole--maybe that's also of real significance?

Maybe the fundamental need really is for guarding my heart more closely, to prevent a turning in such a direction? It has been recommended that allowing too free a range of motion for thoughts is problematic, on this front: that it's needful not to even allow for considering the possibility of potential developments, period, unless a man has outright expressed interest. 

Which makes sense. 

I just need prayer on this front? It's so much easier to just be withdrawn and reclusive and quiet, than to interact and continually battle such things--which makes me wonder, then, if it would not be better to just be always quiet and withdrawn. Maybe that needs to be the case for me--very guarded interactions, largely distant. Because anything more generally seems beyond my ability to endure, of temptation to think more of interaction than is the case. Maybe this won't always be so. Whatever would be more honorable to the Lord and others is what I want.

This dual-nature of life, of the already and not-yet, is so trying at times. If thoughts weren't so self-centered, so humankind-centered also, this wouldn't be as confounding. But life is proceeding, in the midst of the world. And until He opens my eyes more clearly to a better way and liberates me more completely, I will continue to strive in the midst and against temptations. 

If I walk in the Spirit, I won't fulfill the deeds of the flesh. I know that, yet again and again, I find myself wanting to walk by sight, rather than faith. Despite also knowing that endurance, perseverance, overcoming, and thriving in this world are not by my own will, nor by my own strength, but by His Spirit. So, again and again, I find that if it weren't for Christ's shepherding, I would only ever stray from Him, and remain astray. Rather than pressing on, fixing my eyes on Him, continually, for He truly is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him. 

Last night, after months of wondering (without searching the internet, obviously), the verse which I've been commingling with one of Isaiah's finally crossed my path again. Those who wait upon the Lord will renew their strength... Isaiah 40:31

...those who know their God will stand firm and take action. Daniel 11:32

Consider this, in light of Paul's call to stand firm, to the Ephesians. We are to equip ourselves fully with the knowledge of our God, ensconced in the sure battlement of His name and all accompanying armors which such knowledge as yields faith amply supplies. Every bit of us is fitted for war by Him, and all the more, the more we grow in our certain knowledge of who He is and what this means, on the whole and toward us in particular, who are saved--saved and adopted according to His good pleasure, to the glory of His grace. We are indeed fitted to stand firm and take action. 

Alternately, another verse which has reverberated through my mind for months and yet which has only just crossed my path finally this week is Jeremiah 5:31. Again and again, "and My people love it so," at every turn for months. 

Reading through that chapter in Jeremiah, though, is like being raked over coals, somehow. This is us, too. And we have loved these things, just as much. Neither the rich nor the poor love justice nor truth. All of us, turned astray. 

Except that He has saved a remnant, eh? As He always does. A people set apart for Himself--of no merit, of our own. Nothing to boast, save His mercy and love, save Christ Himself. We are none responsible for receiving favor. 

And even as it is the sluggard who says he can't go out to do business, because there's a lion in the streets (Proverbs 26:13)...this actually has become so, as a judgment (Jeremiah 5:6). Remaining indoors will not spare a one from God's sight and recompense, as He ultimately gives that which was made an excuse as the actual accounting.

Again and again, He gives us over to what we want. Except that He were merciful, we would all be consumed, even by our own lusts. 

This is such a terror to me, to recognize. God has been mocked by man, though not mocked--none can truly break His bonds. None can truly say that He does not hear--Him, who made the ear; nor, than He does not see--He, who made the eye. He has spoken, twice I have heard this, that power belongs to God. So, though the people of the nation said there would be no judgment, that God's Word through His true prophet/s would not come to pass, but would be of nothing--His judgments are sure, and they did come to pass, are coming to pass, and will do so. His will is done in all the earth.

So, too, that the speech of His chosen ones...is as fire, and those who hear and have mocked Him, dry kindling. They will be set ablaze, an inferno. Though in their rage, there will be an end of utter darkness--weeping and gnashing of teeth.  

These are terrifying things, to consider. If they aren't terrifying to you, I fear for your soul. He is mighty in power, awesome in deed, and He will receive His due rewards, and will be glorified in all the earth, and in all His creation--though some will stand as fitted for His wrath, this is even to His glory. 

Fear Him who can not only take life, but condemn the soul to hell. 

I saw an image months ago, circulating, which gave a very basic and yet precise assessment of a modern development--man attempting to usurp all God's creative power, remaking himself alternately, and the result is one of such absurdity that the image comment author summed all by stating such grotesque attempt at appropriating what was truly elegant in simple, God-given design is in itself so blatantly absurd in contrast as to constitute nothing short of an absolute divine comedy, tragic in the extent of the disparity from what's attempted. This is always what we fall to, when we forsake Him, when we refuse Him. We are given over to degradation and desultory declination, having faltered from our foremost calling--to honor and worship our God. Increasing, are we given over. 

And we are feasting, now, on judgment. Drunk on the cup of wrath. Seeing the effects, the outworkings--flagrant in all ways, in all spaces--and utterly blind. Hearing the sounds of a tumultuous gathering--not quite sounds of rejoicing, nor quite those of war, but horrible, ill-formed, maladapted--and we are deaf. 

He reveals our hearts to us, as we mirror one another, and yet we refuse to see. He blinds our eyes, giving us over to the judgment we yearn to embrace. 

It's gut-wrenching to watch, still. Heart-rending. 

Grief upon grief. 

In the midst of all though, those who are Christ's will increasingly revel in our death. For, if we are His, we are dead indeed--dead to sin, dead to this world, dead ultimately to our flesh and desires. Living only unto Christ. We died with Him, as He died. So, too, we were raised with Him, as He lives. 

That was made so much clearer to me, earlier this week. I was recounting with a friend the abject treachery which was my life, before Christ plucked me from the fire: in more depth than usual, though. Pacts had been attempted, on my part--pacts, to obtain a spiritual end, forsaking my own soul. As though it were mine to give. 

Even though I didn't follow through on continuing in what I had requested to receive, shortly after I'd come to know Christ, a collection was attempted. It was terrifying, and I was helpless but to attempt to hand over what was bartered. But in that instant, and only then, I was made aware that there was nothing in my possession to give. All which was mine is in Christ, now. 

The one who made the pact is dead. Wholly dead. Never to be resurrected, having died in Christ, with Him, as He took me on in bearing my guilt and shame and wrath and rejection and punishment--satisfying all in full. I died when He died. When He satisfied that debt, I was set free--He put sin to death, on that cross. So it's now given that, by His Spirit and with His aid, I can choose to honor and obey Him, loving Him as never had been the case before. 

I am not who I was. Even as, when He resurrected, that new life was also given to me. I live because He lives. 

Same for all, in Him. 

And that's everything. Period. End of story. 

Whatever comes, He is worthy all our obedience. He has borne, He will sustain. 

In Daniel 12, there is statement that the people of God will be delivered in the utmost of the judgment--whether immediately before or during, I still don't quite understand--for just a moment yesterday, it seemed "before," but now...I think perhaps that was not an adequately founded conclusion. God's people are not spared from the suffering, on the whole: Not spared from having to depend upon God for every provision, moment by moment. But there is a sure deliverance, always. He will preserve us. He has borne, and He will carry. 

In light of all this again, the idea of marriage seems so far-fetched for me. Though my heart yearns for that companionship, especially to be spurred on in seeking God and to serve along that course (dying to self in a heightened way), I can't fathom meeting a man who wouldn't be a stumbling block to my faith: put another way, I can't fathom meeting a man who is interested in me whom I would be willing to submit to and be led by as wife. Especially with divorce rife as is now the case, this seems inconceivable. Divorce is not an option for me: from what I read in the Scriptures, marriage is God-given and not be broken by man--if "set apart," then only ever to be reconciled or remaining alone, otherwise adultery occurs. Hosea was a good example of this, particularly: Marriage still foreshadows Christ's taking a bride, as an archetype and example to the world of this. So, I could neither consider divorce as an option (unto marriage, no matter the cause), nor be pursued by someone who has divorced. 

So, regardless of the longing for marriage (one of my foremost, or it wouldn't be so often revisited here), there's no reason to believe I will ever experience that in this life: Forsaking Christ isn't an option. Sinning against conscience would be doing so, in no small way. 

My life is no small reason to believe it all impossible, besides. 

I was told a bit over a year ago that if I wanted to marry, I'd have to basically let go of some of my religion, and just do the things other folks do, as pastimes. That seems ludicrous. If I were to set aside Christ to secure a relationship which is primarily desired as a means of drawing nearer to Him, that would be lunacy. Just as, if I had to sin against my conscience by acting against what I read in the Word, as a means of entering a relationship which I would entertain only to be led in the Word of God, I've forsaken all sense. 

So, I'll just wait and seek Him. And the things which don't make sense, which I don't understand nor know how to go about, tend to become rather small when considered as so fleeting in context of the greater narrative of God's will being done in all the earth. 

Whatever, then. Whatever comes or goes. He remains the same. All the reason more to seek Him. 

Critical Divisions: The Weight of Responsibility

One point of prayer the past year has surrounded the idea of what is needful, to honor the Lord and others, when it comes to matters which are concerning. 

Starting from the Gospel. 

For one, knowing fear of God, we do plead with men. We do so in reverential deference--as, what a fearful thing to callously disregard God's edicts! 

What He has given to each of us--that, we are to share: We are to make disciples. We are to take the talents which have been entrusted to us, and as a good servant, invest those talents to yield a return for Him. We enter His labors. And as any good servant, we are to be found busy and attendant for His return. Knowing fear of Him--His majesty and preeminence, His omnipotence, holiness, and omniscience, et al--we are to be vigilant and sober-minded, keeping that which was given to us, carrying our cross, serving, seeking justice, loving mercy, walking humbly with Him. 

Then, too, fearing Him, we plead with men, knowingly--so that their blood will not be on our hands, though His wrath remains upon them while we are alongside them as possessors of a knowledge unto salvation, having been the recipients of unmerited favor, ourselves. If He grants sight and wisdom, what a dire matter to withhold that from others, knowing their consequence is sure...we are ever indebted to Him, unprofitable servants, and also to our fellow man, for possessing that knowledge apart from which they will enter His judgment. 

What would it be, of moral obligation, to see a child playing on a trestle and say and do nothing if you possessed full knowledge of an oncoming train--in their ignorance and flippancy, they're sealing their own demise by ignoring the situation they've entered and refusing to acknowledge the tell-tale signs of oncoming traffic. But if you were absolutely certain a train is soon to come and you possessed full ability to urgently plead with them to immediately escape sure peril...what would it be for you to selfishly remain silent and avert your eyes, knowing their fate? And what, when that child's father also knows you had seen them in peril and refused to even try to plead with them? This is an inept analogy, but the point is that there is a sort of responsibility (even not being responsible for salvation, ourselves). Our position is of real awareness of an eternal, just punishment awaiting those around us (yes, by their own fault), and we were once just as they are and yet have been delivered out of that fate by merits which weren't our own: If God has shown us mercy, plucking us out of the fire--and has even been so gracious as to adopt us as children, showering us with love--how can we withhold the knowledge of His deliverance from those who remain under His wrath, knowing that His mercy is so sure, and their fate just as certain unless they turn to Him now? 

We're indebted to Him and to those we're around. We should be cast into hell, ourselves. Fearing Him, fearing to fall short, fearing to have their blood on our hands...we should plead with mankind, that they would repent and seek God, receive His mercy...while there's time. 

The further considerations are also that love compels and constrains us--this had ought to be the greatest of all compulsions, except that our hearts are so fickle and often cold. At least I find that in myself--sometimes fear is a necessary prod and restraint, keeping me from wickedness and compelling me to do what is honorable, until a clearer remembrance of Christ and His love once more enriches my vision and fills my heart to overflow with desire to serve Him and honor Him, thus others, once more. 

But this compulsion to share the Gospel is also a compulsion to seek justice. Biblical justice, though--not culturally defined justice. God has made it clear, in His Word, that we are not to give favor to anyone based on either poverty or riches, otherwise we pervert justice--make it into something other than justice. So we can't divert from seeing what is actual of a situation, instance-by-instance, individually. Otherwise, characteristics drive decisions, again averting and diverting justice on the whole. Each situation has to be weighed for itself. Each instance. Even knowing that He has given us blatant moral commandments which stand true for all of humanity. 

He hates haughty self-exaltation, deceptive speech, hands which slay the innocent, those who devise wickedness, swift turnings toward viciousness, perversions of justice through duplicity, and hostile (or generally evil) divisiveness. God despises injustice, malice, deception, duplicitousness, manipulation, vindictiveness, self-centered hostility toward others, and all such acts and presence of hatred wrought by and of a heart of pride. 

God alone is in position to hate righteously. He alone is good. The anger of man does not work righteousness, rather if we are enraged we are to be slow to speak, and even to keep our silence, most often. For our anger is not generally just, whatever the inciting cause. 

Even when we purport to a righteous anger, very often the heart of it is not righteousness but pride, and so that anger is not righteous and will not accomplish righteousness, but divisiveness. 

We are to be angry and not sin. Not to let the sun go down on our anger, either. For vengeance is God's, not ours. Period. 

We can only seek justice as we defer to Him. Hostile destruction of others--through defamation, ostracism, or material devastation--is not justice: That is conceited malice. Blatant disregard for others, giving reign to vicious vindictiveness--trampling on the innocent as much as the wicked: That is unmitigated evil, especially when calling itself righteous. 

Evil many times calls itself good, though. And the world is so deluded, having been given over to worshipping those things which are not God, as wont, that there's not ability to discern good from evil. Evil is called good, and good evil, and all do what is right in their own eyes. And there is injustice in all the land, calling itself justice. 

When unity is attempted by exalting conflict to the position of greatest honor, there can be no unity. When chaos and absolute destruction is being decreed as the new order, there will be no order, but only slavery to lawlessness. We are all either slaves to sin or to God. If we refuse His good law, refuse to submit to Him and serve Him, in serving ourselves, we are captive and slaves to death and destruction, and we sow these in everything we undertake. 

And all the world cries, "Peace, peace," but there is no peace when at the inmost heart of purported unity is discord and divisiveness, condescension and conceit. Conflict theories cannot yield unity, but only further division--ever pitting one against one another.

Jesus said His kingdom is not as this world, though. God is King and Lord of all. And His order is that those who submit are those who are greatest. Those who are least of all. Theirs is no grasping, but only submission. To Him. 

And through that death to self, God makes all one, in Christ. For as One died, we all died. And we live, yet not us...but Christ. There is no other life. No other peace. No other unity, and no reconciliation--all to all. The more we would unite around another fount of life, the more we divide, as dividing from Truth. 

So what is a call to justice, then, if judges set aside regard for the dignity of culpability as individual responsibility, in favor of partisanship? May the Lord have mercy, each to each, otherwise all would be lost. Thank the Lord, then, through Jesus Christ that He does save some. And He calls us to be ambassadors of reconciliation: peacemakers in the midst of war. 

Yet, we need not be troubled. He has overcome. 

Wrongly Taken: Then, to Distance; or Right Relations?

One of my favorite phrases: over-realized eschatology.

This is such an interesting concept: we know that all will be made new, including our own wills (entirely sanctified, I mean)--sin will not always be allowed reign on earth, and we will not always endure temptation. The world will be restored, remade. 

We long for the completion of our sanctification--long for the return of Christ, for His reign to be fully effected in all spheres, as all will be brought into rightful and total subjection to His good, holy nature. Yet we wait for this, while even all of creation groans in anticipation and longing for that full revelation of God's work. 

I've heard reference to our life of tension in the here-and-now, as "the already and not-yet" circumstance of reconciliation: All will be reconciled to God through His Son (Himself, God), Jesus Christ. All things and peoples will be brought into total subjection to His will and ways. We will be fully transformed into the image of our blessed, glorious Lord and Master, our Redeemer and Friend.  

When we enter His presence, fully. And all will be resurrected bodily, someday--He has said all will hear His voice and be raised.

Some to judgment and eternal perdition. Some to eternal glorification. 

But we're not quite there yet, in full. 

So that tension within us--the yearning for God's work to be perfected in us and in all creation (alongside the grief over sin and that He is not being honored as He ought--both in our own hearts and those of others)--is one of many which requires God's guidance to walk in without erring. 

Sometimes there is error on the side of giving over to the longing for more to have been effected than is the case: over-realization occurs when our desires for another time distort our perception of what is actual. We know He will return, and longing for that there can be a slip into projecting what we long for onto the world around us and convoluting our understanding of our own state of being, wrongly.

I wonder along these lines, thinking on recent matters, in terms of what it is for single men and women to interact closely: The case may be that others have liberties which I don't--I'm very emotional, and it takes next to nothing for me to become emotionally attached (i.e., develop personally significant emotional intimacy) with men who are single and who seem viable potential partners. My heart is maybe just not guarded enough? If I interact openly, there's emotional investment, whereas other women don't seem to be as effected as I am by that sort of interaction with single brothers. Which just leaves me wondering: Where is the right line--the appropriate and God-honoring line--when it comes to interactions with my brothers? 

In the past (more specifically: three weeks ago), it has become apparent I've erred drastically by thinking and sharing whatsoever openly of myself--experiences, thoughts, and the fringes of innermost desires--with a brother. I assumed it was okay, since parts of it were reciprocal, to some extent, and since it was welcomed. But for me, at least, that fostered a deep sense of connection, of intimacy--to share and be received and known broadly. And to take part in ministry alongside that all, especially fostered a sense of connectedness, though for others it sounds as though the very same things would have been nothing much. But for me, it was significant, I now realize. For me, it was fulfilling a role which I would want to alongside my husband--facilitating hospitality on many fronts, facilitating worship, supportively. Small things for others, which seem not to impact. But, I realize too late, not small for me. 

I just don't know how to become close in thought and exchange with an unmarried man, without seeing him as a potential mate. And I don't know how to disengage desire for serving as a helpmeet in marriage from a situation which is one I long to encounter in marriage--especially when instigated by someone unmarried, singling me out because of recognition of my affinity for hospitality. It's so difficult to understand what is intended when words and actions do not agree, and I hope maybe now that the Lord has allowed me to experience both sides of that within His shepherding...hopefully He will allow me to recognize when there is discord, the situation as a whole is disjointed. 

So, I am struggling with these things--struggling to understand according to what would honor the Lord, going forward, in how to better guard my heart and how to honor Him and my brothers by hearing more than only either just what they say or just what they do. Instead, to submit it all to the Lord continually, as always needs to be the case regardless. 

But what is it, to be significantly emotionally intimate with someone who is not a spouse? I have erred on that front now, and it's shameful to even openly acknowledge, I know. But we're so desensitized to this as a people that the very idea of this would be mocked even by many Christians, quite possibly. 

Natural brothers and sisters don't necessarily share intimately with one another. Sisters, yes. Maybe brothers do--I don't know. But...I don't know--I have been told, at least, that it's not that way with natural-born brothers and sisters: there's a strong love, yes, but they aren't in one another's pockets, so to speak. They may know of one another, but I don't think there's a poring over all of life with one another. 

There's love, but at arm's length. Or, as an overview of how one of my friends has put it--the guys do their thing, while we do ours. 

In heaven, there will be no marrying and giving in marriage, Jesus said. So, the tensions on this earth will not exist. But to pretend they're absent now, to act as though they're absent now, would be foolhardy. Current consideration is of whether and to what degree such matters and claims that interactions had ought to be of a certain caliber or depth or nature--between unmarried men and women, now--represent an over-realized eschatological perspective on these tensions. 

Particular difficulty surrounds specific traumas--not knowing the extent to which foundational influences still skew experience and interpretation. 

All in all, I've sinned again--wanting what is not mine, rather than submitting to the Lord wholly. Interpreting according to my own hopes, rather than submitting all to God and seeking His guidance alone. Godly love...I need and want to learn, and yet my heart is froward. I need His help. 

So all I know to do in the meantime of waiting, while grieving having failed Him and others, is to pray and institute what distance will allow me to return to God in heart and mind, to sin no more on this count at least. In as much as possible. I don't know what else to do. 

All Power Belongs to God

Such heavy thoughts again, lately: Recognizing the reality of God's sovereignty, in the midst of human suffering and wretchedness, still. 

Wouldn't it be wonderful to have a clearer view of the reality of His actual majesty? That sin would be more clearly seen for the abject horror it is?...selfishness would be cast into utter darkness as inconceivably depraved and wicked, contrasted against the weight of His glory and worthiness of absolute devotion. 

I am ever grateful to see and hear the answers to prayer, in the midst of all which is going on. Which reminds me, there's a book which probably ought to be read in short order (like, this weekend). Probably not going to happen, unless He bends time. Which that would be such an arbitrary use for...

Weren't there three times when He bent time? With Joshua's battle. Then, as a sign which one of the kings chose, and then He also did that without providing a choice as a sign to Hezekiah (just read this last either this morning or yesterday morning). I only ever hear about the two times, though. 

Not going any further with that rabbit trail right now. 

I've been reflecting somewhat on my first visit to the church I'm about to join. I was so overwhelmed at the prospect of entering fellowship, knew myself so unworthy to walk amongst true, ardent followers of Christ. I don't remember exactly but think the issue at-hand was not having read all the New Testament, so I think I was trying to finish before entering. Reading at least one of the epistles of Peter in the parking lot before going in that first time, I felt absolutely false for not having read the whole of God's Word before daring to walk with other Christians--that seemed such an indication of my lack of discipline and lack of serious devotion to God, to have not completed reading all His Word. That day I also memorized the name and order of the books of the Old Testament before entering...because it seemed absolutely shameful not to even know them all, let alone have read them all, before. 

I was so ashamed of those things which I had not done. Things which evidenced so clearly my lack of devotion to a truly disciplined pursuit of, moreover an ardent love of, God. 

I felt so convicted for my laxity, for my slackness, for my laziness, for my lack of love. 

Love does drive pursuit. Love fosters zeal. Even as holy reverence, awestruck fear, constrains sin. 

And I was so convicted of these matters. What would it be to really be aware, more continually, of the reality of God's omniscient gaze ever-regarding the thoughts of our heart, the tenor of our speech, the manner of our humor, the inspiration of our actions? He does see, and He knows quite fully. 

Why don't we regard this more fervently? 

Constrained by the love of Christ, and even aware of God's preeminence and omnipotence, His absolute righteousness and justice...what would it be to walk more completely and wholeheartedly in light of these matters?

Had I not been so focused on the holiness of the people, to the ultimate compromise of focus on the holiness of God, things may have gone differently before. But He's restored me, having dealt with me, graciously. 

So I long for that nearness to Him, for all of us. There is no higher calling than to know and love God, to walk with Him who made us and loved us, giving Himself up for us. 

In times of darkness and distraction and being overwhelmed and despised and tormented, our God will be with us. We should know Him now, then, that we will be content to rely upon Him fully when our strength is more fully shown to be exhausted. The sooner we come to the end of what we believe is our own strength, the more quickly we may walk in His. If He tarries, perhaps we will come to be cast upon Him fully, for all provision. 

Regardless, He does provide. In poverty or excess, Christ Himself will be our sufficiency, and we will do all things through Him, to do them well at all. And then, too, our works will be tested by fire, and only what God has wrought in and through us will stand--all else will be consumed utterly, though yet we be saved, even as through fire. 

All will be salted with fire. 

I so grateful to know He is the One who makes straight the way before us. Even as He is that Way. Our God is good, and He is faithful. Our God, the consuming fire. 

And oh, what a terror it is, to fall into the hands of a Living God. He will prevail. All power belongs to Him. Rest doubly assured, it is so.

Psalm 62

My Soul Waits for God Alone

To the choirmaster: according to Jeduthun. A Psalm of David.

1For God alone my soul waits in silence;

from him comes my salvation.

2He alone is my rock and my salvation,

my fortress; I shall not be greatly shaken.

3How long will all of you attack a man

to batter him,

like a leaning wall, a tottering fence?

4They only plan to thrust him down from his high position.

They take pleasure in falsehood.

They bless with their mouths,

but inwardly they curse. Selah

5For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence,

for my hope is from him.

6He only is my rock and my salvation,

my fortress; I shall not be shaken.

7On God rests my salvation and my glory;

my mighty rock, my refuge is God.

8Trust in him at all times, O people;

pour out your heart before him;

God is a refuge for us. Selah

9Those of low estate are but a breath;

those of high estate are a delusion;

in the balances they go up;

they are together lighter than a breath.

10Put no trust in extortion;

set no vain hopes on robbery;

if riches increase, set not your heart on them.

11Once God has spoken;

twice have I heard this:

that power belongs to God,

12and that to you, O Lord, belongs steadfast love.

For you will render to a man

according to his work.

Psalm 42: The Crush of the Waves

 Why Are You Cast Down, O My Soul?

To the choirmaster. A Maskil^a of the Sons of Korah.

1As a deer pants for flowing streams,
so pants my soul for you, O God.
2My soul thirsts for God,
for the living God.
When shall I come and appear before God?^b
3My tears have been my food
day and night,
while they say to me all the day long,
“Where is your God?”
4These things I remember,
as I pour out my soul:
how I would go with the throng
and lead them in procession to the house of God
with glad shouts and songs of praise,
a multitude keeping festival.

5Why are you cast down, O my soul,
and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
my salvation^c 6and my God.

My soul is cast down within me;
therefore I remember you
from the land of Jordan and of Hermon,
from Mount Mizar.
7Deep calls to deep
at the roar of your waterfalls;
all your breakers and your waves
have gone over me.
8By day the LORD commands his steadfast love,
and at night his song is with me,
a prayer to the God of my life.
9I say to God, my rock:
“Why have you forgotten me?
Why do I go mourning
because of the oppression of the enemy?”
10As with a deadly wound in my bones,
my adversaries taunt me,
while they say to me all the day long,
“Where is your God?”

11Why are you cast down, O my soul,
and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
my salvation and my God.

Learning Godly Love, and A Synopsis of the Gospel

Everywhere the Lord grants insight, somehow there continues to be amazement at how disparate from the world His ways are...

These things, of general relationships, now. 

I am going to pray for grace regarding how to convey this in a way which is both wholly lucid yet entirely appropriate. There are some matters which...even to speak of is not appropriate, in general. 

I grow increasingly aware of that reality, and wholly by grace. I have erred on such a count before in places and ways, even earlier this week though differently inclined, but I will trust the Lord with all this.

At issue is formative influence and sin's flourishing. 

Truly, we who are in Christ had ought to all be as brothers and sisters, wholly so. Nothing of the world ought to influence that, askew. 

For myself, dire experiences became compounded with fairy tales and romance novels, plus other madness akin, such that distortions of romance have remained significantly forefront in all my heart and mind (utterly convoluted), since the age of three.

What was "understood" of such matters, wordlessly?: Immediate affinity. A spark, and then conflagration. In the midst of all which, "No," means nothing.

Sure, there may have been a significant expanse of time communicated within a tale, but the ultimate personal expenditure in following along amounted to a few hours' emotional surfeit, culminating in capitulation unto the satisfaction of all hopes, and then my return to the rest of the dreary, hostile world. So much of what was portrayed presented love as rooted in self-seeking and self-empowerment, worth any price for gratification.

No. 

We are the Lord's. All of us. We are not mere objects, whatsoever. The image of God is on us all, and that's to be honored. 

I fail at all this. I've lived life through the lens of worldly ideals and notions. God, alone, can deliver. I barely even recognize the root of these matters, still, except that He's been so kind. To long for it to be far from me. 

Letting go of it all then, once again. Clinging to a hope for marriage and children won't deliver them to me. Clinging to a hope for a godly man to love me--one whom I'd possibly consider submitting to as wife. Which is not something whatsoever remotely commonly encountered: such possibility seemingly impossible ultimately, due to the specific strictures of my desires toward Christ. There is one who maybe could be a possibility, and I'll see him tomorrow. Still impossible, I'm sure. 

But to even think such a thing about a brother is really wrong-minded, I believe, as so absolutely premature and even outside the realm of real sisterly love, I think...because he is my brother in Christ. And, so I am finding that I do actually want my affections to be purer, to be honorable, to be holy. Because the Lord deserves glory through all my interactions. And because the loving thing to do is to honor God's will and glorify Him, in all ways. I long to do so. I want my heart toward my brother to be truly honorable. (This is such a confusing thing, still...I am pursuing understanding of these things which are so new.)

So, in the light of that, I see increasingly how all the rest of this is so dark. So wrong. 

The world's ideas of love are wholly wrong. Fundamentally altered from God's intent, from glorifying Him to glorifying self and our desires. Love doesn't seek its own. 

These things, though...do we lay down our lives for one another? No expectations. No demands. No desires. Just to love God and through that, love one another--and not as the world loves. 

I just...I am not even remotely going to be able to convey the breadth of this, right now. I am free, though. To a greater degree than yesterday. To a far greater degree than last week. To an incomprehensibly greater degree than on this day, last year. The Lord continues to liberate me from sin and even the resultant devastation in heart and mind. He redeemed and He is restoring, increasingly--ever since His initial, miraculous deliverance into Life, seven years ago. 

This has been such a interesting Way. I will continue to press on. 

Jesus delivers. He is God. There is wrath for sin, as there should be because it’s evil. For God is good. And He created us all, and He sustains us all. We're utterly dependent upon and beholden to Him. Undeniably and inescapably. No rescuing devices can oust truth, no matter what sinful man attempts. We build ourselves up to try to deny His preeminence and His absolute sovereignty, wanting to be like Him, to take on His power and prerogative as though merely a mantle that could be donned. We cannot be what we are not. What we were not created to be. Instead, we heap condemnation upon ourselves, trying to deny His reign. 

We're utterly subject to Him. He deserves total obedience, quite frankly. Anything short of that warrants absolute, infinite punishment, in order that the punishment would fit the crime. Eternal perdition would be the least we ought to suffer, for justice to be satisfied. 

Yet...God the Son, in His incomprehensible mercy added to Himself human flesh. He made Himself to be a kin of ours. And He satisfied perfect obedience as a man. So that He could then offer Himself in our place, to take on our punishment and satisfy God's holy, righteous, just wrath (even being His own wrath, though in the flesh)...Himself taking on that punishment. Being God, He was able to satisfy that debt and make amends where travesty had wholly severed relation. 

He entered death. And overcame. Having already triumphed over sin, in the flesh. He resurrected, having the power to do so. And He commands us to repent: turn from our rebellion, our rebellious self-serving acts, and return to Him, pleading mercy. And justice has been satisfied in Jesus Christ, and mercy He now extends to all who will come to Him, believing and knowing He is able. 

He delivers. And continues to deliver. That He will be glorified even through redeeming and sanctifying for Himself a people.