I Cry Out Day and Night Before You 1O LORD, God of my salvation, 3For my soul is full of troubles, 8You have caused my companions to shun me; 13But I, O LORD, cry to you; |
Wednesday, March 31, 2021
Psalm 88
Headship, Confusion, and Resolution
This just...hurts. And there is nothing for it, but to bear through.
All I know to do is to continue to cry out to the Lord for help. Were I different than I am, things wouldn't even be as they are, to such a point.
In moments of clarity, I do know and rest assured the Lord's will prevails, knowing He will lead. And where it comes to others who are significantly disturbed by my seemingly limitless enthusiasm, then it's not actually possible for close friendship to develop. Or at least, it wouldn't seem so.
Some of those things which are particularly trying right now have to do with the desire for marriage and what it is to walk in fellowship with single brothers in Christ. I've been reading Voddie Baucham's book, "What He Must Be to Marry My Daughter," which has codified the inclinations already present. Not that I am perfectly conformed to God's ideal for womanhood, either, but I am striving to grow in Christ and in godliness--if in spurts and fits, but by grace still.
The prospect of submitting to someone's headship is not something taken lightly, is the point. And life is excruciating, moreover, so I would not want to even consider covenanting with a man unlikely to lead well. Voddie sets forth numerous Biblical principles for aiding identification of God's call for men, as expressed in particular, godly characteristics. Foremost, the call to be a husband is to be a priest of his household, prophet to his family, a protector to them, and also their provider. These four are fundamental and vital.
So, apart from being selfless, given to holiness and ardent pursuit of Christ, being wise, discerning, and possessing personal strength, and a strong work ethic (because it's working as unto God, and not the amount of income which is actually significant)...there's really not indication a man will be a good husband. It's one thing to be humorous and lighthearted, even, but wholly another to be timid, fearful, and oblivious to the world and circumstances and the condition of those around you, as to be insensate to potential needs and dangers.
I've failed so significantly and so often in life, trying to defend myself. There's been no alternative--I have no defender. I have no protector, no guide, no shield. For all intents and purposes, I was "given to God" in my teens. I have had to fend for myself. And I have sinned and failed grievously.
I would not want that for my children--a man who won't father, who abdicates or worse.
So if this means, in God's economy, that I won't have the joy of bearing and raising children, for want of a partner...then, all I can do is submit myself under the mighty hand of God, in grief yes, but trusting Him. And if this means, in God's economy, that I will only ever have my brothers and sisters, elders and deacons, as family through the church...then Christ will guard and guide me, and He will lead me and disciple me, as my Head. He will be enough. I will grieve, yeah, but with hope eternal. And so I'll rejoice, too.
Of all points on which to compromise, though, this area is one in which there shouldn't be. As far as I'm concerned, at least. And it's not for want of trying, in the past--the Lord mercifully delivered me, rather, disallowing any peace in instance, breaking up the situation in other. I would rather be solitary in pursuit of the Lord than hindered and made to stumble and err in that course, having aligned myself with someone who lacks discernment, awareness, and passion for truth and to seek God above all.
A family friend told me a few years ago that I'd never get married unless I lay off some of the "religion," because in her estimation, amusements are too vital to making a significant, lasting connection. The potential for that to be true cuts deep, really, but even so, why and how could I forsake ardently desiring Christ's fellowship above all, for the sake of something paltry and ultimately unsatisfying?
Zeal without knowledge is just as dangerous, though. I've met many who have a great zeal for "religious" and "spiritual" matters without any love of the Scriptures, whatsoever--even denying to want to read them, moreover, in favor of "spiritual callings" or whatever other madness delights. I've encountered errors of all sorts, and in the course of continuing to study to reconcile knowledge of truth in the world, will certainly continue to do so. Having to bring all such things into subjection to the truth of Christ--but by grace--is vital. How could I submit to the spiritual discipleship of someone who refuses God's guidance, getting caught always in flights of fancy, instead? I need brought back from them, myself, not carried along into such madness. Which is the problem, really--there is that temptation, finding a thought or idea which seems uncommonly fascinating, and pressing into it with ardency to the exclusion of reason: I need someone who has discernment to be able to gently rebuke and redirect back to Christ, rather than to follow me down the rabbit hole of insanity (or to lead me in such madness).
That leadership, though, too. I'm very dogmatic and enthusiastic. I push the boundaries of all reason, in pursuit of understanding and to better know the constraints of reality. These aren't easy to bear, at close range. And yet, I'm also sensitive and I've been abused in various ways and places, most of my life. Growth in Christ, for me, is the first safe space I've known--maybe it's that way for everyone? But I don't want and could not continue to flourish under insensitive, short-sighted, harsh and oppressive leadership. I need correction, yes, but in gentleness, with both confidence and compassion. Redirection to Christ is vital, ultimately. Continually. And that's not by way of what I see in some, where it appears the understanding of headship is to force submission. That's neither godly nor loving, and it would be soul crushing.
Communication is vital, too. Without conscientious, diligent searching of truth, there's no foundation for being able to communicate, though. Being blind to oneself, blind to others, blind to interaction, blind to the world...there's no point of commonality for dialogue. Expecting complete knowledge would be ridiculous, just as much, but some amount of conscious recognition of oneself in the world, the impact one's actions have on others, and sufficient breadth of awareness of circumstances in context of the whole of eternity that the actions of others are met with grace and mercy...these things too, are so necessary.
For me, at least.
The overarching context of all this is still just...reeling from the realization I've entirely overburdened and exceeded the limits of a friendship. The reality is, it's only a friendship anyways. A brother in Christ, yes, but only a friend. To have any man express interest in friendship though, even, it does incite all these thoughts, bringing to the fore all the desire for marriage, children, family, regardless that there's no reason to think that's even a possibility. Past the time of youth, though, that became a normal reflection, however. Maybe it's not for everyone?
Do others not also want to know whether perhaps someone amongst their group of acquaintances might be the one the Lord has for marriage? Are they not looking, waiting, praying for this? Upon reaching the level of maturity to be aware of the rightness of such a pursuit and development, at least.
There's no way to know, no. And although I can't seem to manage to enjoy a friendship leisurely, as others do, then still...the prospect of friendship was hopeful. I'm just too much. I should wait at least a few months, I suppose, before opening up at all, maybe? The learning curve on this seems so steep, and so far removed from known life. Like having to go back to second grade, which would have been the point (prior to coming to Christ, at least) when last there was some semblance of what I assume was mostly-normal (though still known abnormal, due to specific, toxic influences which altered the paradigm for interaction) social function. Things went off-the-rails with "normal interaction" with guys when I was around three. So, that means there's a lot of trauma to unpack and unlearn and a lot of what's appropriate and godly to learn. It's been underway for these past seven years, progressively. Just reaching a head in different ways, now.
God is able. He's brought me this far.
Friday, March 26, 2021
This Fleeting Breath
Sometimes life all crashes in at once, after the darkness lifts. All the griefs of the world, untold, are wrought afresh, known anew. We each know our own griefs.
What--to carry that so alone, as He did? Our Savior wept? Our Maker suffered? Our Creator died, as in the flesh? He humbled Himself to take on flesh, tabernacled among us, and we despised Him. Yet He despised the shame, as beneath notice. He counted the suffering nothing for the joy set before Him. That we should so loathe Him, though, as to refuse to honor Him with our lives?
How is there any greater tragedy? Seeing those created in His image full of hatred and reviling--every breath a curse, every inclination of the heart only evil? This--which was created to enjoy and glorify Him--reviling Him, instead? What is WRONG with us??? How could we do this?
And we slaughter the innocent for commerce. The most vulnerable, their lives are merchandise, bodies ripped to shreds and they surely would scream, if not muffled by the shroud of the womb. Do you know pain so severe you cannot utter sound?
What have we done? What have we become? We traded His glory, and now we are the agents of our own genocide, even now so far as to sterilize ourselves en masse, most likely. Or, at the least, trading the natural for the unnatural increasingly, as to do likewise. We could be pitied for the incomprehensible depths of our abject idiocy, quite foolishness, except that we have done this to ourselves.
What have we DONE?
I am not innocent. Only by God's grace has He elected to preserve and deliver me, having set His love upon me, foreknown and predestined.
I hate this, in myself, which still seeks such defiance and is so prone to self-pity, and self-indulgence. Selfishness. Loathsome, and yet, I am of that. But for grace, wholly so. Yet Jesus has made a way. In spite of me.
We are so ignorant and foolish, though. He paid the price for us, that we could be delivered from that very hell we deserve, into His eternal life and love. And yet, we spurn Him. I hate this. He is all which is good and holy and pure and loving and kind, and yet we spurn Him, treating His love as paltry fare.
We ought to be incinerated. The whole lot.
I wonder, too, on what it was in the days of Noah, that every turning of their heart was only to do evil. How far are we from that, truly? Each turn further from grace, into judgment--being let to have that which we want, defying Him His due worship...
...every turn further, how much further? I hear of things which I can't even tolerate to consider, from and of the leaders of our foremost nations. Even knowing, but His restraining arm, His grace, there could and might so go I...
...and I cannot fathom what we have become. Those things which were the worst of the judgments on God's people, a pastime. And even then, still not the worst.
There is nothing left undone, is there? I don't want to know. But just to realize....something of the magnitude of travesty at hand.
Travesty does not approach unto the reality. That word is nearly meaningless, attempting to convey the abject horror of what is being denied, as His due. He is worthy. We are created to glorify Him. What have we done?
And yet, I know that He will be glorified. Though some fitted for ignoble use will glorify through their destruction, which even still for this moment is such a grief, given the honor it is to bear His image.
I am glad that the Lord allows only partial knowledge of the darkness, now. And more the grief, to have dwelt in it so flagrantly for a time...to have known and reveled in defiance against the Only, Wise God. To think His eyes should endure, long-suffering, awaiting that moment of fully enacting justice?...enduring, for this while, even perhaps that others will be saved, and whatever else His reasons besides...? That He would bear these?
He sees and knows all. Nothing is hidden from Him. Nothing. Knowing no fear of God, doing in secret what will someday be announced from the rooftops unto perdition...He will be glorified.
I didn't understand until today, what this yearning and grief was. For His glory. Our God is glorious. He deserves all praise and loving obedience, for His is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, forever.
Personal griefs just don't compare. But then, in His mercy and kindness, He doesn't even spurn them.
What God is this, who would humble Himself, take on flesh, and suffer amongst us? Be rejected and humiliated and beaten and torn? Serving, loving, up until the very end--ever seeking His own, that they would be preserved and given new life. Even in that last, not seeking His own deliverance, but ours. Do you not recognize something of the incomprehensibility of a love like that? He laid down His life. He endured. The very wrath justly set upon us all, He endured. That is a horror beyond all horrors, a travesty beyond all travesty, which He willingly undertook and accomplished, in order that we would have a space for mercy, that sin could be passed over.
It is the Passover, you know? He gave Himself. He is the Lamb. He is the Good Shepherd. And He is the Lamb. Jesus Christ, Eternal God, Everlasting Father, Immanuel. Ben-David, Ben-Joseph. He has come. And He accomplished all the good will of the Father. He satisfied every righteous demand of the law. All of them. Perfectly, in loving obedience. His entire heart, soul, mind--loving God, the Father.
3He was despised and rejectedb by men,
a man of sorrowsc and acquainted withd grief;e
and as one from whom men hide their facesf
he was despised, and we esteemed him not.
4Surely he has borne our griefs
and carried our sorrows;
yet we esteemed him stricken,
smitten by God, and afflicted.
5But he was pierced for our transgressions;
he was crushed for our iniquities;
upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace,
and with his wounds we are healed.
6All we like sheep have gone astray;
we have turned—every one—to his own way;
and the LORD has laid on him
the iniquity of us all.
7He was oppressed, and he was afflicted,
yet he opened not his mouth;
like a lamb that is led to the slaughter,
and like a sheep that before its shearers is silent,
so he opened not his mouth.
8By oppression and judgment he was taken away;
and as for his generation, who considered
that he was cut off out of the land of the living,
stricken for the transgression of my people?
9And they made his grave with the wicked
and with a rich man in his death,
although he had done no violence,
and there was no deceit in his mouth.
10Yet it was the will of the LORD to crush him;
he has put him to grief;g
when his soul makesh an offering for guilt,
he shall see his offspring; he shall prolong his days;
the will of the LORD shall prosper in his hand.
11Out of the anguish of his soul he shall seei and be satisfied;
by his knowledge shall the righteous one, my servant,
make many to be accounted righteous,
and he shall bear their iniquities.
12Therefore I will divide him a portion with the many,j
and he shall divide the spoil with the strong,k
because he poured out his soul to death
and was numbered with the transgressors;
yet he bore the sin of many,
and makes intercession for the transgressors.
Psalm 53
שְׁמַע יִשְׂרָאֵל; "Hear, O Israel" He is One: our God the Father, God the Son, God the Holy Spirit. He is One being, with three persons, infinite in might and majesty. Power belongs to Him. All praise to His Name.
9Rejoice greatly, O Daughter of Zion! Shout in triumph, O Daughter of Jerusalem! See, your King comes to you, righteous and victorious, humble and riding on a donkey, on a colt, the foal of a donkey. 10And I will cut off the chariot from Ephraim and the horse from Jerusalem, and the bow of war will be broken. Then He will proclaim peace to the nations. His dominion will extend from sea to sea, and from the Euphrates to the ends of the earth.
Zephariah 9:9-10
When our glorious King returns, His second advent, this verse will be fully so. He is come and He will.
Prepare your hearts to seek Him, then.
1Why do the nations ragea
and the peoples plot in vain?
2The kings of the earth set themselves,
and the rulers take counsel together,
against the LORD and against his Anointed, saying,
3“Let us burst their bonds apart
and cast away their cords from us.”
4He who sits in the heavens laughs;
the Lord holds them in derision.
5Then he will speak to them in his wrath,
and terrify them in his fury, saying,
6“As for me, I have set my King
on Zion, my holy hill.”
7I will tell of the decree:
The LORD said to me, “You are my Son;
today I have begotten you.
8Ask of me, and I will make the nations your heritage,
and the ends of the earth your possession.
9You shall breakb them with a rod of iron
and dash them in pieces like a potter’s vessel.”
10Now therefore, O kings, be wise;
be warned, O rulers of the earth.
11Serve the LORD with fear,
and rejoice with trembling.
12Kiss the Son,
lest he be angry, and you perish in the way,
for his wrath is quickly kindled.
Blessed are all who take refuge in him.
Psalm 2
There is no other way. Either we repent or we perish--righteously condemned for our egregious treason of refusing to honor and glorify our Holy, Just, Good, and Loving God.
Fear Him and live. Repent, and believe on the One whom the Father has sent. Otherwise, you will perish in your sins. There is no other way.
Tuesday, March 16, 2021
When Darkness Encumbers
Sometimes there is this sense of oppressive hostility, pressing in from all sides. Terror is mine, in the midst of that--sensing my life and breath would be crushed out in an instant, if what presses in were permitted free rein.
Trusting the Lord and submitting to Him and pleading His aid--being in the Word, testifying of His grace, calling to remembrance His mercies, praying, and jointly bringing these matters into subjection to the truth of Christ through fellowship (by any means, thus), is my help. True medicine. Each to each, though, by whatever means of grace the Lord allots and directs.
This is mine.
The Lord has been so merciful these past many years, when such moments have constituted an onslaught: prayerfully submitting to Him in the midst, He has given grace to trust His will be done, His arm of preservation and deliverance (if even into life eternal, quite immediate) be shown mighty. He has given me grace to avert my mind from the deluge of thoughts which erstwhile and throughout attempt to drown, also. I falter and flail, but He preserves and restores. Eventually, the morning comes. Or, eventually, I know it will.
Being still in the midst of such distress, waiting, is beyond me. But the Lord gives grace to commit to trust Him. Increasingly, He's even given grace to repent of faltering in the midst, because that does happen so easily.
In whatever circumstance, may we yearn and learn to trust Him, then. By any means. And to trust Him to guide.
There's been a lot of consideration of Christ as Shepherd, lately: The Good One.
The One despised and rejected, suffering in His own flesh the penalty of my sin--of your sin. He atoned for us. God's own wrath (moreover, Christ's own wrath) against sin--His righteous wrath, just wrath--was satisfied wholly by Him. Propitiation. Expiation. And there's a third facet, I think--related as another fine point of consideration, only begun to be pursued--of what He accomplished for us.
God's wrath, which rested upon us, was satisfied by Jesus, in full. The Only, Wise God: He satisfied justice by His own account being clear, though settling ours--to enable mercy within the paradigm of absolute, perfect, pure righteousness.
That Shepherd. Who laid down His life for the sheep...
...so that we may enter in.
This...remembrance of this: Jesus Christ, and His great mercy and love...is what is needful in the midst of such onslaught. Remembrance of Christ, refusing to heed any other voice which would detract from or distract from Him--for as surely and as soon as thoughts and my heart turn, then the darkness encumbers, once again. Yet, He overcame.
All the more to simply rest in Him, as knowing Him. All the more to be grateful to truly know Him. Apart from which, all the rest--darkness and all the world and self--would usurp any hope for serenity.
It's not a bad thing to be on such a short leash, though. Not at all. Not having the same liberties others have is fine, given what it is to have peace. Even this short period of reflection on Christ's mercies has been such an aid. Yet, there's no room to turn from this--there is no space for social media, in this. There's no allocation for movies or secular music. Moreover, being in the midst of the world to endeavor the things of life is an undertaking to the glory of the Lord--with some consistent amount of conscious recognition of that fact fairly continually--or otherwise I'd stay in the grips of the terrors of darkness there, always.
So, too, are other matters which become recognized as allowing a foothold for the darkness to press in: prayerfully weighed, all the more. Whatever is needful, in serving Christ, well enough--He will preserve me, and I will trust Him: In spite of my all-insufficiency, as His abject sufficiency eternally usurps on all fronts. So, onward then.
And to praise. That is next. To sing His praises, no matter the darkness: for He is the Light.
Tuesday, March 9, 2021
Recent Meditation: Psalm 94
| ersion | Par ▾ |
The LORD Will Not Forsake His People
1O LORD, God of vengeance,
O God of vengeance, shine forth!
2Rise up, O judge of the earth;
repay to the proud what they deserve!
3O LORD, how long shall the wicked,
how long shall the wicked exult?
4They pour out their arrogant words;
all the evildoers boast.
5They crush your people, O LORD,
and afflict your heritage.
6They kill the widow and the sojourner,
and murder the fatherless;
7and they say, “The LORD does not see;
the God of Jacob does not perceive.”
8Understand, O dullest of the people!
Fools, when will you be wise?
9He who planted the ear, does he not hear?
He who formed the eye, does he not see?
10He who disciplines the nations, does he not rebuke?
He who teaches man knowledge—
11the LORD—knows the thoughts of man,
that they are but a breath.a
12Blessed is the man whom you discipline, O LORD,
and whom you teach out of your law,
13to give him rest from days of trouble,
until a pit is dug for the wicked.
14For the LORD will not forsake his people;
he will not abandon his heritage;
15for justice will return to the righteous,
and all the upright in heart will follow it.
16Who rises up for me against the wicked?
Who stands up for me against evildoers?
17If the LORD had not been my help,
my soul would soon have lived in the land of silence.
18When I thought, “My foot slips,”
your steadfast love, O LORD, held me up.
19When the cares of my heart are many,
your consolations cheer my soul.
20Can wicked rulers be allied with you,
those who frameb injustice by statute?
21They band together against the life of the righteous
and condemn the innocent to death.c
22But the LORD has become my stronghold,
and my God the rock of my refuge.
23He will bring back on them their iniquity
and wipe them out for their wickedness;
the LORD our God will wipe them out.