Headship, Confusion, and Resolution

 This just...hurts. And there is nothing for it, but to bear through. 

All I know to do is to continue to cry out to the Lord for help. Were I different than I am, things wouldn't even be as they are, to such a point. 

In moments of clarity, I do know and rest assured the Lord's will prevails, knowing He will lead. And where it comes to others who are significantly disturbed by my seemingly limitless enthusiasm, then it's not actually possible for close friendship to develop. Or at least, it wouldn't seem so. 

Some of those things which are particularly trying right now have to do with the desire for marriage and what it is to walk in fellowship with single brothers in Christ. I've been reading Voddie Baucham's book, "What He Must Be to Marry My Daughter," which has codified the inclinations already present. Not that I am perfectly conformed to God's ideal for womanhood, either, but I am striving to grow in Christ and in godliness--if in spurts and fits, but by grace still. 

The prospect of submitting to someone's headship is not something taken lightly, is the point. And life is excruciating, moreover, so I would not want to even consider covenanting with a man unlikely to lead well. Voddie sets forth numerous Biblical principles for aiding identification of God's call for men, as expressed in particular, godly characteristics. Foremost, the call to be a husband is to be a priest of his household, prophet to his family, a protector to them, and also their provider. These four are fundamental and vital. 

So, apart from being selfless, given to holiness and ardent pursuit of Christ, being wise, discerning, and possessing personal strength, and a strong work ethic (because it's working as unto God, and not the amount of income which is actually significant)...there's really not indication a man will be a good husband. It's one thing to be humorous and lighthearted, even, but wholly another to be timid, fearful, and oblivious to the world and circumstances and the condition of those around you, as to be insensate to potential needs and dangers. 

I've failed so significantly and so often in life, trying to defend myself. There's been no alternative--I have no defender. I have no protector, no guide, no shield. For all intents and purposes, I was "given to God" in my teens. I have had to fend for myself. And I have sinned and failed grievously. 

I would not want that for my children--a man who won't father, who abdicates or worse. 

So if this means, in God's economy, that I won't have the joy of bearing and raising children, for want of a partner...then, all I can do is submit myself under the mighty hand of God, in grief yes, but trusting Him.  And if this means, in God's economy, that I will only ever have my brothers and sisters, elders and deacons, as family through the church...then Christ will guard and guide me, and He will lead me and disciple me, as my Head. He will be enough. I will grieve, yeah, but with hope eternal. And so I'll rejoice, too. 

Of all points on which to compromise, though, this area is one in which there shouldn't be. As far as I'm concerned, at least. And it's not for want of trying, in the past--the Lord mercifully delivered me, rather, disallowing any peace in instance, breaking up the situation in other. I would rather be solitary in pursuit of the Lord than hindered and made to stumble and err in that course, having aligned myself with someone who lacks discernment, awareness, and passion for truth and to seek God above all. 

A family friend told me a few years ago that I'd never get married unless I lay off some of the "religion," because in her estimation, amusements are too vital to making a significant, lasting connection. The potential for that to be true cuts deep, really, but even so, why and how could I forsake ardently desiring Christ's fellowship above all, for the sake of something paltry and ultimately unsatisfying? 

Zeal without knowledge is just as dangerous, though. I've met many who have a great zeal for "religious" and "spiritual" matters without any love of the Scriptures, whatsoever--even denying to want to read them, moreover, in favor of "spiritual callings" or whatever other madness delights. I've encountered errors of all sorts, and in the course of continuing to study to reconcile knowledge of truth in the world, will certainly continue to do so. Having to bring all such things into subjection to the truth of Christ--but by grace--is vital. How could I submit to the spiritual discipleship of someone who refuses God's guidance, getting caught always in flights of fancy, instead? I need brought back from them, myself, not carried along into such madness. Which is the problem, really--there is that temptation, finding a thought or idea which seems uncommonly fascinating, and pressing into it with ardency to the exclusion of reason: I need someone who has discernment to be able to gently rebuke and redirect back to Christ, rather than to follow me down the rabbit hole of insanity (or to lead me in such madness). 

That leadership, though, too. I'm very dogmatic and enthusiastic. I push the boundaries of all reason, in pursuit of understanding and to better know the constraints of reality. These aren't easy to bear, at close range. And yet, I'm also sensitive and I've been abused in various ways and places, most of my life. Growth in Christ, for me, is the first safe space I've known--maybe it's that way for everyone? But I don't want and could not continue to flourish under insensitive, short-sighted, harsh and oppressive leadership. I need correction, yes, but in gentleness, with both confidence and compassion. Redirection to Christ is vital, ultimately. Continually. And that's not by way of what I see in some, where it appears the understanding of headship is to force submission. That's neither godly nor loving, and it would be soul crushing. 

Communication is vital, too. Without conscientious, diligent searching of truth, there's no foundation for being able to communicate, though. Being blind to oneself, blind to others, blind to interaction, blind to the world...there's no point of commonality for dialogue. Expecting complete knowledge would be ridiculous, just as much, but some amount of conscious recognition of oneself in the world, the impact one's actions have on others, and sufficient breadth of awareness of circumstances in context of the whole of eternity that the actions of others are met with grace and mercy...these things too, are so necessary. 

For me, at least. 

The overarching context of all this is still just...reeling from the realization I've entirely overburdened and exceeded the limits of a friendship. The reality is, it's only a friendship anyways. A brother in Christ, yes, but only a friend. To have any man express interest in friendship though, even, it does incite all these thoughts, bringing to the fore all the desire for marriage, children, family, regardless that there's no reason to think that's even a possibility. Past the time of youth, though, that became a normal reflection, however. Maybe it's not for everyone? 

Do others not also want to know whether perhaps someone amongst their group of acquaintances might be the one the Lord has for marriage? Are they not looking, waiting, praying for this? Upon reaching the level of maturity to be aware of the rightness of such a pursuit and development, at least. 

There's no way to know, no. And although I can't seem to manage to enjoy a friendship leisurely, as others do, then still...the prospect of friendship was hopeful. I'm just too much. I should wait at least a few months, I suppose, before opening up at all, maybe? The learning curve on this seems so steep, and so far removed from known life. Like having to go back to second grade, which would have been the point (prior to coming to Christ, at least) when last there was some semblance of what I assume was mostly-normal (though still known abnormal, due to specific, toxic influences which altered the paradigm for interaction) social function. Things went off-the-rails with "normal interaction" with guys when I was around three. So, that means there's a lot of trauma to unpack and unlearn and a lot of what's appropriate and godly to learn. It's been underway for these past seven years, progressively. Just reaching a head in different ways, now. 

God is able. He's brought me this far.