As Darkness Closes In: Fix Your Eyes Upon the Light of the World

Temptation increasingly abounds to be enrapt with the world's schemes and narratives--selfishness all the more exalted under a guise of righteousness. Death is increasingly a fixation, blatant--anything to avert, just anything to preserve self and those things which self wants. This, as though we have control of life and death. I can tell you from personal experience that even suicide attempts aren't successful unless the Lord allows. Which is not something to be taken lightly. Period. 

I wouldn't generally speak so flagrantly about such wretchedness, but in the noxious cacophony which is standard fare for discourse these days, such searing has occurred that little bears weight. 

Speaking plainly, though prayerfully, is what's seemed best. 

He gives wisdom for each instance, however. 

But if you're here, online, I fear that you may be consumed with much of the current mania, also. 

When Temptation Comes: Reflecting Upon Egypt & The Wilderness, Even Unto Praise...

Sitting, being tempted for a moment. Sometimes these thoughts come. Thoughts of going back to things I once relished--thoughts that those things would once again be somehow enjoyable.

The nature of temptation is to lie.

The present vein regards karaoke. Alcohol.

And since I have to endure the temptation, at least momentarily, it seemed well to elaborate on the process, as it seems to go...having only gone a certain extent privately, thus far.

It usually goes as this...

...tempted to think upon what it would be to spend an evening in such dark revelry as once there was. "For fun." Just to go.

And there's a very mild fear which rises up just at that thought, alongside the temptation to do such a thing--fear that I might be able to actually enjoy such depravity as once was the norm.

So, a two fold temptation, from the outset. Temptation to fear, temptation unto depravity.

Because it's not merely an alcoholic beverage that's the temptation, but the entire course of what once comprised many regular nights.

The thing is, though...

Humbled in His Wake

So many things going on, right now. (Always, yeah...)

Moving again, day after next. A month in the place I presently am, not having intended to move here (hoping, but not knowing how nor when it might be possible). And in two days, I will have a room of my own. Officially.

And yet every time I begin to get caught in thoughts of what might be enjoyable for accumulation, I'm reminded it's not for me. Not for me, to give in to those cravings as to make plans to accumulate or beautify. Or even to make plans, in terms of tenure.

I can only know, for now, that I'll be moving in on Monday. And I know it's a year's lease, but that doesn't serve as my security in terms of being assured I'll be there for a year. Explicitly because my position, my placement, my location...are wholly dependent upon the Lord's will. Meaning that, were He to have planned that I move, it would be so.

Same as even with the move a month ago, for instance.

Even so recently, still...the movement has been so rapid, there's a struggle to grasp details fully.

I came to church. Spent time talking, after church. Ended up spending the night with a couple friends.

It was fine to stay over. And then there was talk of staying till Tuesday, to celebrate the birthday of one of my sisters in Christ...perhaps even to assist with set-up and planning. But on Monday, I was invited to accompany one friend's mother to Georgia, to assist a move.

The Lord had made circumstances coordinate such that it was possible to go without feeling a burden for having been absent so long. So I went, to assist in whatever way seemed possible. No idea whether that was successful, but it certainly assisted me.

Preliminary Perusal of Practicality

Learning to witness. What it means. No longer being completely held sway of by fear...for having a clearer picture of Christ, alone.

There's a pervasive and persistent dichotomy which absolutely vexes me, though. And as it's something that exists within me, then it stands to reason (as according to Scripture, even) that others struggle with the same.

Comes and goes, though. As though walking in two worlds, when in actuality they're one.

He doesn't exist separate from us. We exist in Him. Period. All things subsist in Him, ever having been created by Christ...by the living Word of God. God Himself.

No separation.

So, why then do those moments still come on as though somehow He is of another realm?...as though, somehow, dealing with taxes...or buying groceries...or being in public...or going online...

...is somehow distinctly separate from...not His purview, per se...but from even so much an acknowledgment as there is of His sovereignty in moments of worship, devotion, study. Prayer.

Church. Such awareness of and desirous of subjection to His Presence, conscious.

There is not a separate sphere, is all. He is to be revered, regardless of circumstance--He's no less a part of ordering at McDonald's than He is of entering into the benediction. Yet, somehow, each and every bit of interaction isn't maintained per such a view to His Presence and sovereignty and omnipresence and omnipotence and will.

What Needs Be, Regardless What Has Been

Knowing what to say and when to say it seems such a heavy matter. Discernment is an abject necessity, always.

Often remembering that the Lord told His disciples not to even consider what they would say, when taken before kings and courts--the Holy Spirit would give them what speech was necessary, in the very moment of passage.

This, even as James made case that the tongue is untameable. Wicked, unruly. So much so that those who controlled it could be counted perfect (Christ, alone, then).

In tandem, though?

Perhaps just abiding in His Spirit, in the strength of His love. To a deeper degree than generally is conceived possible or requisite any circumstance.

The Bible is our source for instruction on these matters. Our translator, the Holy Spirit.

These matters are particularly pressing, at present, as coming upon a time of necessary divulgence. As means of cleansing, unto sanctification per leadership of the Holy Spirit into a circumstance of counsel, per fellowship.

Partial Consideration of Reality and a Right Spirit

Is He real, to you?

That's been so very...unsettling, this past week.

Is His presence abiding in such a way that you know He's right there, with you?

Or is it something hoped for, believed because of Scripture, alone?
Because He said it's true.

But is it real, to you? Is He real, to you?

Been reading through the major prophets, again. Not in their entirety, but piecemeal. Just...taking in glimpses.

And seeing so much of even the church described therein. Always, with lips that give praise, that speak highly of Him, the proclaim Him as God, as Lord alone...while hearts are consumed with jobs, family, hopes for success.

Which, I know I'm in somewhat a unique position on that front, perhaps. I'd been estranged in varying ways from pretty much my entire family. And have no "family of my own." And have increasingly, over the years, come to experience corporate professionalism as entirely deadening and hopeless. To a point of finally finding hope in Christ. In Him, only.

So, it's His people now who've become a great concern.

...I don't remember who said it, but one of the preachers I listen to said something to the effect of, "we major on minors."

And it's entirely true.

We focus on maintaining doctrine to the exclusion of realizing brotherly love.
We focus on sound theology to the exclusion of seeking to know Christ in spirit and truth.
We focus on maintaining a prayer-life to the exclusion of actuating prayer.
We focus on devoting time to studying Scripture without ever overtly realizing increased nearness to the One by whom it was composited.

We speak highly of Him, but keep Him always at arm's length. As though we're afraid to draw too near to Him.

Like with the professor--one of my former mentors--who told me, last June, not to go "all out" for Christ. Because it's good enough just to be a "normal Christian," just go to church on Sundays and not worry about all the rest. Otherwise, I'd be a target. I'd be attacked on all sides. I'd lose everything.

That probably entirely does constitute the views most folks have of the Lord:

Don't get too close to Him--you'll lose everything!

Securely Conditioned: Sanctification

I forget, sometimes, the severity of the situation.

Christ or death.

Not just a walk in the park. Not just a moment given to reflection, here and there. Not just a matter of spending a couple minutes a day, reading the Word of God.

No.

Christ or death.

And with all the reading about predestination, lately, and about the security of the elect, the assurance of salvation for those foreordained to be conformed to the image of Christ...

...inherent all those can creep up a sense of security which then might allow self-indulgence to be fostered, unto relaxing from ardently seeking Christ.

But, no.

It's Christ or death, still.

Taking into account that we have to work out our salvation with fear and trembling, pressing on for the high calling in Christ, diligently studying as to show ourselves approved, examining ourselves to see whether we are in the faith, and being doers of the Word, not hearers only...

In Christ, Alone. Peace and Freedom.

Trusting the Lord is so very necessary, so very good.

And yet there's still a battle which periodically rages, as a desire to return to my own understanding arises again and again. 

These past few weeks, temptation has come from all sides. I've fallen numerous times, and continue to struggle. 

Even knowing on some level that it's His righteousness which matters, not mine. Because mine's insufficient from gaining any favor with God, regardless. It's Christ who makes me well, not my own efforts.

Grace.

Which...is all the more reason to strive against sin, for love of Him, desire to be conformed to His image. Even as knowing that He's the means by which all good comes to and perhaps through me...means that when I do things as a matter of pursuing fulfillment of my own understanding of what He wills, without regard to His leading, then still I'm being rebellious.

There's a depth to abiding in Him which eradicates anxiety, eradicates fear, eradicates doubt, and eradicates temptation. And it came clear for a good while, during fellowship with the Spirit over course of church service, a few weeks ago.

Pilate's Truth

John 18:38
Pilate said unto him, What is truth? And when he had said this, he went out again unto the Jews, and said unto them, I find in him no fault at all.

No matter what comes, the Lord overcomes. He is faithful. He is true. He is willing. And He never fails. He never falters. He never draws back. He never ceases loving. And He always triumphs.

Good is greater. Far greater. Far superior.

There is nothing else. It doesn't matter.

Whatever storm may rage, it doesn't matter. He is good, and He overcomes.

Attempted Stability...And Then, There Was Christ.

This may not last long, but there's a moment presently afforded to peace.

Everything is so strange, right now. Completely in suspension.

Striving unto holiness, striving unto Christ is the most blessed and demanding pursuit. Many difficulties. Many. Yet, the things which have been the most difficult have driven me further to rely upon Him. There's no alternative, in those moments of abject pain and uncertainty. Nothing within me, of my own will or ability, is capable of weathering such storms.

Prior to coming to know Christ, efforts would hold up for a while, but under continued stress (which was constant) and recurrent trauma (which was regular)...constant unraveling would occur. Continual breakdown. Perpetual uncertainty.

Such a distorted path to travel--always conceiving everything and anything possible, given enough motivation and effort, while continually falling apart under the strain of unrelenting chaos and destruction.