Humbled in His Wake

So many things going on, right now. (Always, yeah...)

Moving again, day after next. A month in the place I presently am, not having intended to move here (hoping, but not knowing how nor when it might be possible). And in two days, I will have a room of my own. Officially.

And yet every time I begin to get caught in thoughts of what might be enjoyable for accumulation, I'm reminded it's not for me. Not for me, to give in to those cravings as to make plans to accumulate or beautify. Or even to make plans, in terms of tenure.

I can only know, for now, that I'll be moving in on Monday. And I know it's a year's lease, but that doesn't serve as my security in terms of being assured I'll be there for a year. Explicitly because my position, my placement, my location...are wholly dependent upon the Lord's will. Meaning that, were He to have planned that I move, it would be so.

Same as even with the move a month ago, for instance.

Even so recently, still...the movement has been so rapid, there's a struggle to grasp details fully.

I came to church. Spent time talking, after church. Ended up spending the night with a couple friends.

It was fine to stay over. And then there was talk of staying till Tuesday, to celebrate the birthday of one of my sisters in Christ...perhaps even to assist with set-up and planning. But on Monday, I was invited to accompany one friend's mother to Georgia, to assist a move.

The Lord had made circumstances coordinate such that it was possible to go without feeling a burden for having been absent so long. So I went, to assist in whatever way seemed possible. No idea whether that was successful, but it certainly assisted me.



Coming back there somehow came about, even gradually, serious consideration of need to be away from circumstances which had been...so very stifling, at the least. Straight up demonic, at the worst. (Still a bit... ...still shaking my head over the incident with the hillside coming alive..)

And certain of my friends had, after hearing of particular even of other and yet more difficult aspects of circumstances...which have not and will not be discussed here, except that the Lord explicitly make it so...then...they had spoken to me of being removed from the situation, already. Weeks prior to the Georgia trip. Wanting me not to go back, then.

But I didn't know. All I knew was that the Lord had brought me to a greater degree of peace, in and with circumstances, than I'd thought possible. And it was up to Him, but that I wasn't going to move except that He made it explicitly clear that it was His will for me to do so.

Coming back from Georgia, though, there was admission made that I didn't want to go back. And then...my sisters, here...The Lord, through them...made it so.

I was even planning to go, by myself, to get a few bits of paperwork and odds and ends, whatever might be handy and easily accessed... ...but two of them went with me.

They wouldn't let me go alone, having some idea of the situation. And I thank the Lord for it.

Not only did He give so much strength and peace through their presence, but He buffered me from being completely overwhelmed--their ongoing counsel and support over course the process made an immeasurable difference. This, even unto being allowed objective insight into what my primary concerns and struggles had been, such that they confirmed my observations regarding specific of the circumstance were not only apt but that circumstances were actually far worse than I'd been willing to even begin to fully acknowledge.

We went on the 4th of July. Such a blessing.

No more to go back. Or, at least, not alone. Never alone.

Just...yeah. The Lord did that. I didn't mean to move. I trusted Him, He made things happen. Even unto a room of my own in a house immediately next door to these, my sisters.


So very humbling. I don't and could never deserve such favor from Him. That not only does He think of me, but He takes care of me...far better than I ever did.

Even the little things. Like having pots and pans. And food.
And friends. Family.

As much as it yet...is so very foreign, in ways...

...so very different from anything ever known. I'm still so very...uncertain of how even to proceed.
One step at a time. One word at a time.

Yeah.

He does these things. I couldn't, if I tried. And I did try, is the worst of it, to note. Yet, mercifully, my efforts were to naught.

I wove so many dreams. I manufactured so many circumstances, even in tandem of others similarly inclined. Acting in such opposition to Him.

And yet that He would have such mercy, even as to allow my dreams to fall apart in the wake of an innate desire for...truth...
...that He would have such mercy that those machinations would break down under the weight of such reality as comes in as delusion trembles?

Undeserved. Wholly undeserved.

I couldn't earn it or even understand it, if I spent all eternity on that alone. Because the answers are every bit as unfathomable as He is.



Every bit so gloriously, wondrously comprised...as any of His thoughts.

And yet, that He would think of me...

Oh, how incomprehensible!

If it weren't for such awe and wonder and joy at knowing and experiencing His love...rather than being ever more deeply humbled, by such a glimpse of His love as to one so unworthy....

...if it weren't but for love of Him, as it is, there'd be such temptation to turn away from that thought, fearing the weight of it, as so incomprehensible, so good, majestic in His sovereignty as Lord of all, loving one so undeserving...

...I would be tempted to turn away, for fear of being truly seen...and found wanting. But to know that I am in want...of Him...how could I turn away???

From a love so pure it crushes one into blessed obeisance. Gladly! Desiring all the more!
Desiring even but a glimpse, just to know Him more deeply...

Or even just to see His face.
The face of the one who has saved and who provides.

Who loves and lavishes grace.

Great in mercy, giving peace unending.

And yet it can't be too much desired, to see what is already known. In spirit and in truth, in all purity and goodness, unto sanctification from those sins which once held sway.

His name...even just His name... ...the breath He has given is every one which could ever speak it.
None else could come, for He gives them all. Each. And every one.

Regardless whether He's acknowledged or loathed. The truth isn't changed by rejection.
He Is the I AM. He always has been. And always will be.

And these are just the ramblings of one who adores Him. He has changed everything.
Absolutely everything in my life. Even completely altering...purifying...what once I thought I knew of love and light and devotion.

In terms of who He is, all things change.

I hope that you know Him. I hope that you talk to Him. Just even to speak to Him. He hears, regardless whether it's intended for Him or not...He's omnipresent. Omnipotent.

The still, small voice. The one which accords with Scripture.

Just listen...
...and read.

Both.
Always.

He expects us to test all the spirits which would attempt to interject in any way.