Religion or reality?

Why do most professing Christians view seeking God as though it were a past-time?

Or a hobby?

The way I read the Bible, we're commanded to seek God first, before anything. Not something to take lightly. Not something to "fit into the calendar," but something to plan a calendar around (if your walk with the Lord allows for "planning," that is). Not a Sunday obligation, but a daily mandate.

First.

Finished The Master's Indwelling, today. Something pointed out in one of the lattermost chapters was particularly relevant, on this score: distinction was made, wherein seeking God (fully surrendering to Him) is not a matter of "God first, and then...," but a matter of "God first, naught else."

He fills in everything. All...in all.

I hear a lot of folks very loosely express a longing for "Pentecostal power," though. In terms of longing for an experience akin to the initial descent of the Holy Spirit upon those in the upper room--those blessed while waiting and praying. 

But I never hear people talk about what came after that first day. 

Same as, I hear folks talk about need for a powerful revival where millions would be saved, "like it happened at Pentecost." But I never hear people talk about what preceded that momentous event.

 A hundred-twenty-some people?...gathered together in "steadfast prayer?" And for how long? I'm not doing the research right now, but think it was at least a couple or few weeks, wasn't it? Which, regardless: steadfast prayer, no end-date set--nothing else on the calendar, nobody with a timer set, nobody concerned with how late it's getting or with how many more days it might take...just people having begun to seek God's face and continuing along, knowing a need. They were expecting to be empowered, according to Christ's edict--knew they had to wait and pray, but didn't have much idea of anything else.

Just praying. Waiting. Together. In one accord, seeking the face of God, ardently. Knowing He would fulfill, trusting, believing.

Waiting.

In faith.

Not even necessarily really caring to understand what they were waiting for, except that they were given to wait. And so they did.

And the Holy Spirit came upon them all. Came upon them, fell upon them, and completely, irrevocably altered them--altered the very core and composition of their lives. 

They were no longer the same as they had been: see Peter, going out and boldly, unabashedly proclaiming to an entire city the divinity of Christ whom they had crucified: proclaiming it without restraint, without qualm, while boldly attesting to Christ's resurrection and ascension. Without a second thought.

He just went.

He just dove in, headfirst, without a moment's pause.

After having completely failed, per his frail humanity, at the time of Christ's crucifixion. All of them having effectively deserted Him, at that prior point. 

But the Holy Spirit empowered and directed them. Giving words, giving an undeniable impetus to act. After a time of ardent, indefinite waiting in prayer and supplication.

Sacrificing everything else, for the sake of seeking the face of God. Awaiting His presence.

Awaiting His direction. Awaiting His empowering guidance and boldness.

What did they do, though? After thousands were saved, and the Holy Spirit continued to baptize?...did they go home, reminiscing over how moving the experience was, along the way?...did they congratulate one another on having experienced a "true move of God," and agree to meet again next week, hoping for "another move of the Spirit?"

No.

They went, sold everything they owned, came together as a collective body. And prayed. 

Going out, as the Holy Spirit gave direction. 

(This, including the occasional arrest and subsequent testimony in front of political/religious leaders.)

They sold everything, came together, and prayed.

It wasn't as though the moment the Holy Spirit descended upon them, they then had absolutely everything laid out before them, from point A to point Z of exactly what they needed to do next. No, they came together as a collective body, having abandoned all else, and continued to seek God's face.

Even as they ended up being scattered because of persecution, still there had been a preliminary period of waiting, seeking, steadfast praying. 

Just as the Holy Spirit then-commissioned work. They didn't operate on their own authority, in other words. They were directed. They were guided. They were led.

Like as with the record of Paul and Barnabas being called. They "ministered to the Lord," and fasted...and the Holy Ghost specifically called them to go out. And, even then, more fasting and prayer, and laying on of hands before they went out as they were called.

Much with the waiting on God, in other words. Much with seeking God's face, first, foremost, and exclusive of any other desire or pursuit.

This, not to say that they didn't tend to certain other things, along the while. But those things were no longer the priority, whatever did remain: again, they sold all they had and came together, which sort of takes a lot off a person's plate, as far as considerations go.

Paul, though...Paul was remarked as a tentmaker by trade. I don't really know whether that entailed his ownership of a business, or whether it indicated he was skilled in the trade and readily able to find work in that capacity. Given the way everyone else went, it makes more sense that he would just be skilled in the trade, having taken the same course as all the rest and selling everything he owned: for a man to say he endured starvation, periodically, doesn't jive with the idea that he was rolling in the sort of financial resources which would be entailed in having maintained ownership of a (presumably successful) business of his own.

He talked about working with his hands, though, as supporting himself. Yet, it seems as though Paul didn't consider work-space in any way prioritized as exempting from his overarching, primary call to serve God by propagating the Gospel (Priscilla and Aquila, with whom Paul worked, were noted for later having very well explained the Gospel to Apollos...fair indication that they were converted along Paul's ministry at work). This, especially given that Paul later mentioned working with his hands being the means by which he was able to freely offer the Gospel, despite that those ordained by God to preach the Gospel were "to get their living by the Gospel:" Paul's focus was ever on His service to God...on his relation to Christ, is all; thus, work could only be a means by which to serve God, both within and as a result of the work: Neither means nor an end in itself, then, undertaken as to glorify God within his own life and the lives of others.

Point being, though, every indication is that Paul evangelized while he worked. Even as he worked so as to be able to evangelize without it burdening anyone. God was still the priority, not work. Not a paycheck. Not self-support. Not self-sufficiency (although a sidelong glance at that, as one "speaking foolishly" served within an argument against false apostles...so, the Lord had cause for Paul's work on many accounts). It served as a further outreach unto God, unto seeking His kingdom and His righteousness. 

Just, having heard insinuations cast that Paul was either relatively independently wealthy, according to his position as an established tradesman, or that his choice to work, itself, serves as an example to all of us, of a need to work with our hands: that we are to always stay busy: a corruption of the "idle hands are the devil's workshop" proverb, entirely exempting consideration of what had ought be undertaken as occupation: pursuit and service of God. ...I'm a bit confounded, is all.

Nothing in the texts relayed either of those things, as such. 

Again: A man who periodically starved for lack of resources was not independently wealthy, and given that everyone else who was a believer sold everything and gave to the all...I can't see Paul excluding himself from that. His zeal and devotion and service to God were apparently sufficiently acceptable unto the Lord as to've resulted in his receiving the Spirit's inspiration to the tune of composing most of the New Testament--I wouldn't expect Paul's actions would have been any less exhibitive of his devotion to God than any of the other "first-converts." 

And, secondarily, placing the emphasis on work, in and of itself, merely undertaken as a means of remaining busy and self-sufficient...entirely excludes consideration that everything Paul did was entirely focused upon abiding in and glorifying Christ. Do all that you do, in Jesus' name? ...whether you eat or drink, or whatsoever you do, do it all to the glory of God?

So, yeah, I don't see him having set all that to the side, when he clocked in at 9am, just to pick it back up at 5. I don't see him prioritizing work, apart from Christ. And, for someone who attested to all the ages that he is dead, that Christ may live in Him? I don't see Him prioritizing work, in itself, at all...except as another means to abiding in Christ. Seriously. Work didn't exist in a vacuum, apart from his calling unto God. Dude was real. He was serious about presenting himself, daily, as a living sacrifice to Christ. Living sacrifices don't do things except for that which animates their "corpse" ordains and enacts it. 

Paul did tell us to follow him, as he follows Christ, though. Imitate him, as he imitates Christ. 

So, I don't buy the "silent witness"-thing, as far as work goes. It reeks of Babylon and golden statues. And neither am I buying that absolutely any and all who presently preach the Gospel are ordained by God to do so. The Spirit gives many gifts, after all, and the ones which generally seem to be considered more esteemed nowadays...according to Christ's teachings...would be the ones who ought to be the least esteemed, as the greatest servants. That sort of topsy-turviness indicates something roundabouts what Paul wrote about in 2 Corinthians.

As where he made a point of his suffering, as a means of distinguishing himself from those who were false apostles: those who came with pomp and eloquence, speaking boldly on their own authority, were trying to presume upon the church falsely...and had gained ground with believers, because they exalted themselves. Rather than with Paul, who came meekly, having suffered to come and knowing suffering would yet come (who but gloried in it, to be counted worthy to suffer on Christ's account!), yet who came as one ordained by God, thus operating in His power.

A lot of folks have taken advantage of the bit about living by the Gospel, it seems (even ones who don't get paid for it, in an entirely roundabout way which I'm not even getting into right now). To the extent that preaching is an occupation for many, a profession for some, and God-ordained for yet a precious few who certainly aren't in a "business" of it, thus who don't call attention to themselves, willfully. Whether one's own heart condemns oneself is the only test we can know, though. I can't know others hearts, only wonder and pray.

Just...with things having been as they were...how can we call ourselves Christians, now, and not do what Christ commanded? 

I mean, seriously, within the first few years of the church, it was already experiencing corruption from within and without--the epistles are prime testament of that. How much more, now, and we take it so very lightly that we might go to church a couple times a week and consider ourselves saved unto Christ?

I'm not buying it.

Christianity is not a hobby. 

Either it entails a complete change of life, merely per course of having experienced conversion...or there's some amount of false witness in effect. Given the accounts recorded in the Scriptures of what Christianity entails, I don't see as there could be much of an "in-between."

This, even as the Lord may assuredly lead in such ways as takes time to progress to the point of receiving the blessed gift of salvation...and takes time unto sanctification. 

But everything changes. Everything. But not necessarily overnight, either. 

Although there were a couple of things for me which did suddenly completely fall away, inexplicably: drinking alcohol, frequenting bars, dating--no longer a desire for them, despite life having been nearly consumed with persistent desire for those things, up to that certain day when the compulsions disappeared. Just like that--just gone, one day. Having persisted for nearly ten years with those three activities consuming constant, prevailing amounts of time and attention--seriously, compulsively so... ...then, just gone--no more desire for them.

Desires which were irresistible, desires which I had no idea how to get rid of or mitigate...just disappeared.

I surrendered to Christ--collapsed on Him, moreover. And He took them away.

And it's not only a matter of having lost a desire to do those things which were so self-destructive (which were effectively rebellious against God)--even the thought of them now makes my heart ache, as unconscionable. I know they'd distance me from the precious presence of the Lord, which abides, and that's unthinkable. Ultimately, even considering a course which would be displeasing, painful for Him to have borne, makes it painful to contemplate.

According to the Bible, believers: those who fellowship with Christ: those who actively speak and listen to Him (in that unfortunate order, usually): those who actively, literally are discipled by the Holy Spirit (guided, taught, comforted, chastised, ordained by Him): those who walk in the spirit and are thereby led by the Holy Spirit are entirely transformed, from the inside out, as part of their salvation and pursuant sanctification. 

From what I've read in the Bible, and from what I've experienced of Him myself, when you come to know Christ in such a way as to be saved by Him, your entire life changes. Completely. As becoming a Christian explicitly entails becoming a new creature: experiencing the reality of that process ultimately exceeds explanation, although the Bible does a great job so doing, as the ultimate (published) authority on the subject (ultimately, God is the ultimate authority on salvation).

So, seeing Christianity experienced as a hobby, though...?

...as something to do on Sundays?

...as something akin to a book club?

...as a weekly social routine?

...as something appended to a list of self-descriptors, obviously an after-thought?

That's not Christianity.

That's mere religion.
Oh, God have mercy and help us all.

What if the wait were always over.

What if...

...Christ longs to fellowship with us, while we stay busy seeking for Him in ways we deem justifiable and appropriate?

What if...

...He's ever just right there--waiting in the same room, looking longingly in our direction and lovingly maintaining peace--silently aching for the moment we'll stop what we're doing, look up, realize He's here, and be overcome with love, joy, and praise for His fellowship, alone?

What if.

And

What if...

...while we're busy watching television--glutting ourselves on soft-core porn (most modern movies), "mild" blasphemies, and mass-market resentment: music, programming, and commercials which engender and feed covetousness, anger, and lust...

What if...

...while we're busy being entertained...

...He's pensively standing to the side, mournfully noting the distance we've reinforced between ourselves and Him, as He solemnly refrains from acting to prevent our shutting Him out--per regard for the very free-will He bestowed.

What if He's aching there, waiting in the midst...

...silently grieving as He endures a discussion of neighbors made mere objects to be remarked upon--as though the people you know were "news" to be observed and considered (regardless whether pitiably, mockingly, or approvingly)--rather than cherished, as truly precious...as they are to Him.

What if He's waiting, patiently standing by...

...knowing at some point you'll recognize the love He has for you. Knowing, at some point soon, you'll embrace His love and be fulfilled. Knowing someday soon He'll be able to lead You in the paths of righteousness, for His name's sake--knowing You'll have such joy and peace there...

...even as He's silently weeping, while He waits..

...weeping to see you continue to berate and flay yourself with doubt, fear, anxiety, and anger--continuing, moreover, to bear resentment against Him in your heart, such as obscures revelation of His faithfulness, love, goodness, and purity...such as prevents your conversion.

What if...

 ...yet, He waits.

As He waited for me...

...and kept me alive, despite circumstances and efforts which wrought death...

...as He waited for me...

...while I blasphemed His name and slandered His beloved.

Yet, He waited.
And He saved me.

From myself, as much as anything.

And, still, He gently waits...

...loving as He leads along His way, teaching me His laws.
Guiding me in the ways of truth.

And every time I stumble, He holds me near.

Every time.

So, I know He'll continue the work He began.

I know He will.

God gave His only son. And Christ abandons none...
...of His flock--of those who hear His voice.

As His Holy Spirit continues the process of drawing, pruning, chastising, and edifying--comforting and discipling.

Just know...

There is no other name by which we must be saved.
Jesus Christ is all, in all, and He is faithful beyond comprehension.

So, ask Him what He would have of you.
And be willing to wait.

Knowing there's nothing else worth doing.
For He, alone, is worthy.

Central points.

Almost posted something a couple of days ago, exhaustion held sway. For once in ever, an attempt was made to proofread prior to "publishing" and mid-way through, the mental lag was too great to allow for processing. Thus, another span of thought rests among the long file of perpetual drafts, never again to see the light of day.

Rather than start there, though, this is here.

Communication has been the hot-button issue, these past couple weeks. The Lord has been straight-up convicting me over my tendency to perpetuate idle talk to extent that it sometimes deteriorates completely into gossip. Not at all obvious, I'm sure, given some of the past few months posts which went into so much needless detail about others.

Finger-pointing is never acceptable, apparently. Not in the sense of there being implied judgment inherent. Not in the sense of there being an inherent divisiveness implied, in other words--as opposed to active prayer and loving correction and edification in Christ.

When speech borderlines on "I can't believe they did such a thing, what they should do is..." or "you are so wrong it's ridiculous"-sorts of content, there's generally a severe lack of compassion entailed. Most frequently, in those instances, the baseline reason for speaking in such a way, unconsciously, rests in a desire to assert or reinforce perceived dominance.

In one way or another, that type of self-seeking (even self-preserving--think in terms of offensive defense as a course per insecurity) dynamic is mixed up in the process, very often in instances where brothers or sisters viably need Christ-centered correction and edification. But such self-interested (self-centered) attempts at correction ultimately tend toward mockery and anger, given lack of intrinsic, compassionate concern over another's position of need for Christ...as continual context of awareness of that very same need in oneself is generally absent or sorely imbalanced.

Which is all the more reason why love has to be the utmost and total foundation from which any attempt at correcting a brother or sister derives and persists. If it's not founded and maintained solely upon the principles and precepts of God's will for us to love Him first and love others as ourselves, self plays a dominant role and the entire process will be laced with death and chaos.

...merely per course of being perverted by carnal self-will, which is ever in conflict with God.

That seems to be why there's so much an absolute requirement for seeking God first, above and beyond all things. He is the only wholly incorrupt, incorruptive, incorruptible influence upon us, period, thus the only means of effective extrication from corruption...sin is corruption, disease is corruption, anxiety is corruption: anything which degrades, destroys, erodes, or imbalances does corrupt. So, anything which leans heavily upon influences other than wholeheartedly seeking God as an approach to salvation or sanctification, will thus tend toward some sort of delusion, ultimately...at the very least (wherein delusion is a corruption of clarity).

So, even the most sound preaching...when relied upon--in and of itself, alone--more heavily than prayer, meditation, private devotional studies, and ultimately and primarily yearning after God...even the most sound preaching will tend toward some sort of religiosity, rather than true experience of God which extricates from corruption.

And...even the most secure Christian fellowship will begin to invert--detracting from focus upon the Lord, onto itself--if sought more ardently and relied upon more abjectly than fellowship with the Holy Spirit.

And...even the most strident course of Bible reading and attempted study will somewhat yield to self-exaltation, if prioritized for its own sake and for the sake of knowledge more highly above ardent desire and love for understanding the One of whom and by whom it was inspired.

In other words: Unless Christ, ultimately God Himself, is perpetually central focus and desire of all activities and pursuits, ultimately they'll tend to some amount of corruption--to some amount of delusion, whether manifested as a distraction or obsession or frustration or self-exaltation or howsoever manifold else. Everything has to be focused on Him, on Christ. On God, is the point. Otherwise, the juncture between truth and delusion is crossed unto the latter side.

Think of it this way:
Realistically, everything subsists in Him, regardless. So, He is at the center of everything, whether we choose to be aware of that truth or not. We're distracted from that according to our "natural" disinclination to Him--especially prior to conversion--as a matter of the delusion which persists in accord with internal revolution (outright rebellion) against Him. Reconciling that, in Christ, is what allows for clarity of realizing His truth. Becoming thus increasingly able to see, acknowledge, revere, and worship His omnipresence and sovereignty constitutes coming into greater accord with reality--extrication from corruption, as reconciliation with the incorruptible God. That reconciliatory convergence makes everything all the more worthwhile, fulfilling, and productive, merely as per the course of what alignment with a good and loving Creator God entails (as per His good will, for it to be so).

Coming to a point of acknowledging Him, consciously, as central in all things...brings an entirely new light and an entirely new scope of meaning to life. One which was already there--just unrealized, because of persistent delusions, is all.

I saw something a couple of nights ago, and then today. Glimpses, interwoven. Remarkable.

Awareness of the depths to which darkness of consciousness has descended in this realm is profoundly unsettling.
...in context of...
God's presence, goodwill, love, and power are far more encompassing and eminent than we have any means of comprehending.

We all feel so very settled and secure in the particular roles and positions we occupy, at any given moment. Despite that the all of it is entirely illusory, in a sense of those observations' inherent restriction to the physical realm regardless of overt, unremarked context within a far more pertinent spiritual reality encompassing the all.

Are you aware that, even now, according to some strain of quantum physics, there's begun to be precursors of scientific realization of our physical universe as a "projection?"...wherein they're equating it to something along the lines of a "virtual reality?"...a so-called "simulation?" A reality within a reality, in other words--our reality as a minor projection upon the larger reality which encompasses...akin, in ways, to the manner in which a movie projector has projected images upon a screen, our reality is a projection from and upon the other reality. Such that there are those who theoretically perceive our physical reality as layered upon and sourced from an unfathomably more vast and deeper reality--one which expands beyond our ability to comprehend, whatsoever.

You know...almost like there were some sort of backing principle which generated everything into particular place and formation, implementing and supporting everything according to a design, or something? Like...you know...God creating a universe, maybe? Only, as expressed in terms of quantum mechanics.

The most interesting revelation that community has more recently unveiled, wandered across a few months ago, expressed ironic astonishment at having come to a point of perceiving that the universe seems to have been "created by/sourced from light," in some sense.

I don't understand nearly enough, along broad lines of quantum mechanical reasoning, to be able to contextually comprehend the implications of both those recent consideration. But wandering across tidbits like those...(which, if the article that concluded by saying light was the inciting cause of the universe's creation were at-hand..I'd share it, but Google isn't cooperating)...really reinforces the magnitude of God's supremacy and sovereignty. Even as it simultaneously humbles to reflect and know that there's absolutely no way to know Him, except through Christ--no matter what we detect of Him, except that we approach through Christ, it's all idle talk. Just think, apart from Christ, we constitute an entire species set on "finding their own way to God," who are yet so arrogant as to refuse His help in doing so. Even as we unveil and marvel at the principles which He has instituted in our created realm--taken completely aback by the merest preliminary evidences of the most basic principles expressed in reality in accordance with His being and His design and will and order--we haven't begun to even nearly come to awareness of Him.

It's insane, really--He conceived, orchestrated, and supports the founding principles and consistence of every core and comprehensive article of existence, and yet we're all the more incapable of seeing the forest for the trees...the deeper we look, the more names we give to His principles, the more comprehensively we purport to understand the mechanics He's instituted, the less we are aware of and know Him. Generally.

Why do we all want to know Him on our terms, exclusively? I mean, seriously. He gave us the codex. Handed it right to us. The universe. "The Big Book," as one pastor had put it. Yet, still, we don't want to see Him in it...we want to see and recognize ourselves, everything around us, and only approach Him by way of our own merits thereabouts. And such objectivity as we claim, along such a course--according to agreed "scientific" standards of measure--is thus a lie. We purport to observe, measure, and understand everything, exclusively according to our perceptions. Generally, present-tense, refuting the existence of God outright, or at least "setting Him aside" in pursuing understanding of the universe. Setting aside the very core component of all which is, in a proposed effort to understand the nature of all...is a glaring oversight which derails clarity, entirely. If the base assumptions, the founding principles by which study is approached are rooted in such a monumental false premise, then the entirety of progress will be fraught with (if only hairline fracture, then) error perpetuated unavoidably per an erroneous fount. Which in-part is whereby we have such absurd contortions of what's presumed to be objectivity, at this point, that voicing critical observation has become a standard for asserting dominance--the web really just grows deeper and thicker, on that count, honestly.

But seeking to more comprehensively, evermore expansively remark meta-consciously upon ourselves and one another, overall remarks upon our increasing yearning for true experience of God--evermore frustrated per consequent detraction from ability to fulfill that yearning, as our very designs at seeking Him within our own corruption yield only to deeper corruption, we yet expound further and further in search of that "limit" which He constitutes.

Societally, what was once only muted frustration has built to a barely restrained pitch of rage and resentment, though...along those lines.

...as seeking Him on our terms. Despite that He laid everything bare. In Christ--God's expression of Himself, on our terms.

In our corruption, we corrupt others, is all. So long as self-reference is primary--as the foundation and source of speech and thought and word--corruption is vastly inherent. There has to be a foundation in Him, in Christ, in God, Himself...in order for truth to have comprehensive, contextual meaning. Again, otherwise the base constructs by which the search begins, in which the search in founded, in which any attempt at expression or understanding is made...are faulty as sourced in error.

He is the Truth: The baseline foundation upon which all is built and in which all subsists. So, a foundation which ignores Him, refutes Him, rebels against Him, resents Him, loathes Him, or any other such sort?...to any degree?...is corrupt, inherent of itself, thus perpetuating flaws in observation which will remain unperceivable to the one so self-deluded as to overlook God as implicitly inherent of all.

But that's also why communication can be such a tricky business, as it tends to weave somewhat aimlessly in and out and around that reality in such a way as to sometimes unawares move into entirely deluded terrain. Such as gossip. And any sort of thing which doesn't consciously assert Him as vital and central, in some meaningful capacity...anything which perpetuates corruption...
...is not of God.

Jesus said that those who are not with Him are against Him. Those who aren't gathering with Him are scattering.

It's like that, on all fronts. Including in conversation.
And that's what I've been struggling with. Idle words, idle speech...they tend to corrupt, given that they aren't actively edifying.

What gets me, though, is that...He points it out to me, and I feel increasingly loathe to continue, to the point that there are certain things which nearly incite a complete breakdown for the horror at even the thought of so transgressing.. ..but He's the one who delivers me from the process, too.

For the past many months, I've been struggling to reconcile an understanding of how it is that everything is by grace, that we come to Him in faith, and that His yoke is easy and His burden is light...but that, yet, repentance is a part of the process--required and absolutely vital to salvation and sanctification...and we must take up our cross, in order to follow Him.

Wherein...my thought had long past been along these lines:

Okay, so all these things I do are sin? And being saved means stopping this stuff? "Repenting" of it...and never doing it again? Yeah right. First off, I don't want to stop doing some of these things, really. And, secondarily, I've tried to stop some of them and just can't. So, whatever. 

If salvation means I have to stop all this stuff, "repent" of it and never do it again, I can't be saved. No matter how much I mean it, no matter how much I try, I just can't do it. I'm not capable, and since I can't do it, I can't be saved. 

I was taught that repentance meant being really sorry about something, apologizing to God for doing it, because it was sinful (bad/wrong)....and then never, ever, ever, ever doing it again. And if you did "the sin" again, you hadn't repented.

And there was a persistent implication that repentance was a limited time, limited frequency, limited effect appeal to God for forgiveness. Whereby, if you kept doing "sin" over and over and over again, you couldn't keep "repenting" of it. And, inexplicably, thereabouts lay the way of forgiveness.

Forgiveness was hinged upon repentance.

So, with each "unsuccessful repentance" there was an increased sense of failure, inherent an increased pressure to either stop repenting before running out of chances to repent...or to do it right, and really never sin again, that time.

Which...is a minor part of why I'd walked away from Christianity in youth (in addition to being mocked and physically removed by the church perforce a manifestation of the Holy Spirit during service). I couldn't repent properly: I couldn't stop sinning, no matter how hard I tried, so I just couldn't do it right. I kept letting God down, and I didn't want to run out of chances to repent. So, I just gave up and stopped "wasting His time." I knew I was wretched, but there was no fix for it, because I couldn't make myself stop being wretched, and it seemed that God wouldn't want me unless I could concede to His expectations for right behavior.

So why keep trying, when the stuff folks in charge keep telling you just ends up reinforcing how completely inadequate and incapable and horrid you are. Period. That I was terrible and needed to ask for forgiveness, so I wouldn't go to hell. Period. This all, weekly attending (baptized) Seventh Day Advent, then Methodist churches...with regular Catholic and Pentecostal influence, as well. So, I eventually just reconciled myself to the knowledge that I was going to hell, because there wasn't an alternative...given that I wasn't capable of ceasing from sin. I kept going to Christ, asking to be saved, asking for forgiveness. But I kept sinning, no matter what I did. Because I expected that I was the one who was supposed to engender and enact the cessation...and viewed my salvation as contingent to "successful repentance" according with cessation of sinfulness.

If I'd had any idea that it was Christ who works the work...not me..
...that coming to Him was about more than just realizing my own wretchedness and need for salvation, knowing He was the one to save me..the only one who could...but that it was also a matter of necessarily realizing that He was the one to do everything, that I just could cling to Him...collapse upon Him...and He would make the change in me. I always got the impression that the entire process was a matter of making decisions and implementing them, self-sourced. Rather than continually collapsing on Christ and trusting Him to do everything which needs done.

There wasn't emphasis on grace--nothing beyond the song, that I recall. The only grace I'd ever heard of was in that Christ was God incarnate, that He lived sinless, died for me, and resurrected and is reigning in heaven. That was the entirety of what I thought grace was--that God would do all of that, so people could be saved. Everything thereafter was focused upon self-effort, though. Not on Christ. Everything was about how you acted, what you did, what you said...how you were, the decisions you enacted. Not about Christ working in or through us. Never about that, except that it got a side-mention periodically as some sort of esoteric mystical concept which Christians could take to heart as some sort of far-flung hope for heaven. We were all looking for heaven, not for Christ...not for God. Although assuredly there were those who met Him in the process, according to His will. Just...it wasn't in His will for me, then, along those lines.

As a child, the things folks spoke of in the pews, the ways they acted, and the conversations outside of church were all infinitely more interesting than anything a preacher said behind a pulpit. Still, really, that all speaks volumes.

Just...it comes down to being a matter of belief. Either you believe what's being preached to a point of practice, or you don't believe it at all: actions pronounce our beliefs, just as their overall consistency evidences the consistency of belief. So, if the people in the congregation belief the things being preached, they'll live them out and their conversations will embody them. (Out of the abundance of the heart comes speech, perhaps?)

Like as James talked about faith being proved in works. It's not that works, themselves, are stand-alone evidences of faithfulness...but that faith naturally yields actions and words--works--which constitute a proclamation and pronouncement of one's beliefs. That's the way things go, for anyone.
Teachers will talk about teaching. Doctors will speak of medical practice. Physicists will discuss theoretical advances. Christians will edify Christ.

Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks. (Matthew 12:34)

Which is another facet whereby idle speech, corrupt communication is such a concern, really--self-examination-style, for real.

The thing is, even as with salvation, we're not the author of our faith...or our sanctification.

I'll pray for revelation on what darkness remains, pray for deliverance, receive conviction, surrender to my helplessness, pray for guidance and deliverance, and trust in Jesus...and He delivers. He brings repentance. Metanoia. A change of mind. Revolutionary change of mind...not merely decision-making, but an epiphanous alteration of internal processes. Wherein the former ways of thinking and acting have become acutely reprehensible, thus no longer even conscionable. And the change of perspective is wrought per an increased revelation of Christ's goodness, love, and preciousness--so, it's not as though the acts have somehow changed, in and of themselves, but they've only become more clearly seen according to their contrast against Christ's purity and beneficence. And the darkness and depravity of those acts thus become disgusting, painful, and unconscionable in and of themselves.

So, repentance isn't a matter of deciding to not do something ever again. It's not a matter of coming to a point of seeing how good God is that sin becomes disgusting, loathsome, and horrendous...where it reaches a point of wreaking internal havoc, to try to perpetuate those sorts of things, because of the how wretched it makes you feel. Because it separates you from God, and being in His presence is more glorious and fulfilling than anything...so, having reached that point, in regard to any particular practice...seeking God brings about a separation from things which perpetuate any opposition to His will and ways.

That has been repentance. That has been what sanctification has been like.

That has been what separating myself from sin has constituted...and from whence it has derived.

Not from a decision. But from a yearning for closeness with God...from a desire to see Christ in all His glory, and to know Him more plainly, daily, moment-to-moment. From a desire to fellowship with Him...and from the cultivation of that fellowship, deepening.

So, my prior idea of repentance as a decision-making, goal-setting process was graceless, work-based faith. It was torment. I gave up. There's no point making oneself more miserable than life already tends.

I'm so grateful things don't work that way. Seriously. Unless the Lord builds the house, ye labor in vain who build it.

That...is such a relief. Seriously.

It used to be a complete nightmare, though--I used to hear stuff like that and be completely overwhelmed with the idea of being unable to do it, being unable to make things work, being incapable of earning salvation. Because, for whatever reason, I never heard the resolution of those notions: Christ is able, on all counts. And salvation is by grace, through faith. Not by works, lest any man should boast. Christ is the author and finisher of our faith. And He will perform the work He has begun, unto the day of completion. Even as He is truly capable of securely keeping all things which are entrusted to His hands--we have no need of anxiety, as none can snatch us from His hands.


Knowing that He is the author and finisher of our faith, though. That's such a big thing.

He reconciles all that seeming duplicity, in Himself--as regarded the distinct points of consideration regarding finding rest in Him, while also being called to take up my cross. All that is reconciled in Him.

There's no other way.

The Name above all names.

Another dream scene, elementary school: something which never happened, yet which seems apt representation of the era (spiritually speaking).

The group of us: children, students; a teacher, leading.

Cold, steel folding chairs--beige and gray--in a chilly gymnasium, barely illuminated by late afternoon sunlight filtering in through the ceiling-level windows and through the doors at either end of the building. Filling the room are reverberations of the hushed scraping of metal upon tile, muted whispers, a rustle of barely restrained energy throughout the crowd, then followed starkly by abject, fearful stillness as the teacher began to speak.

Questions about authority: specifically, from where does it derive. Then..

"What is the source of all authority?" she queried with grave resonance, unto her rapt, anxious audience.

The correct answer--the one given and acknowledged by all--recognized God as the source of all authority, specifically including reference to Jesus as Lord of all creation.

All were willing to acknowledge this. No one in the entire class dared question His existence, His authority, dared speak against Him, nor dared evidence any qualms. Everyone believed in God, in Jesus Christ, as the ultimate source of authority. Even those who might have resented His Lordship, still they readily acknowledged His sovereignty.

His name was held as sacred, publicly, in the dream.

And, in retrospect, it seems as though the same was the case in society even throughout the 1980s.

...so I wonder, now, whether that observation is entirely inept.

Having so recently begun to wonder whether every generation has been envious of a retrospectively perceived "relative purity" in past times, I'm wondering whether perhaps things actually are essentially different, now, than they were 30 years ago--or whether my perspective was just entirely limited, then, by lack of awareness of things else. So, furthermore...I'm wondering whether things now are essentially different from the ways they were in the 1st century anno Domini and proceeding from that century, onward. Cyclically, at least--is this cycle, now presenting and pervading, truly essentially different from any and all such cycles which preceded?

As with prior atrocities which were committed in Christ's name, in centuries past--massacres and mayhem perpetuated under the banner of Christianity...

...still, there was a public reverence for His name, wasn't there?

For the name of Jesus Christ.

Beginning with the adoption of Christianity by Emperor Constantine, at least?

Or, even then, had that reverence only been amongst Christian-dominated countries? ...which...that would seem the most likely case. But...I don't know. Whatsoever.

Just, except to note how, now, His name is constantly tried for defilement per use as an expletive.
...His name is being uttered, as such, in the way of a curse as from the lips of an unrepentant people (and even by some who do call themselves by His name): We are such a blasphemous, mocking generation...of which I am one, even saved by grace.

I'm reminded again how nothing and no one seems (ultimately) to be considered sacred or even due respect, these days. Not religious leaders, not political leaders. Not even the leaders of scientific fields are beyond open mockery (although these latter are perhaps more revered than anyone else...Perhaps).

But, still...it doesn't seem as though this would necessarily be essentially different than the previous cases wherein society at-large became disillusioned (or, moreover, delusional) of the powers that be, to the extent of having gone to idol worship. As certain periods in time along the course of Israel's entire history sounds to have been precisely the same. During the times of Amos or Ezekiel, for example. Or of Hosea. Or even (as a more singular instance) in regard to Jezebel--she certainly mocked God without remorse.

Oh, I don't know. There's just still such a desire to believe "here and now" is more uniquely special than any other point in history--there's such a desire to see the Lord...here and now, regardless of whether it's really the end of the end times. Which would make the case that this time and place in history is singularly unique, if that were truly the case. Just...I'm not entirely convinced that it's not just another cycle. Wanting it to be the absolute end of days, so as to see the Lord return is such a strong desire, is all.

Becoming wrapped up in that desire is all too easy--desperately wanting to see Him, worship Him no longer from "afar"...but in-person. To experience the tremendous gravity and enormity and incomprehensible glory of His immediate physical presence...experienced, in entirety, as standing (more likely quaking in terror, collapsed prostrate upon the ground) in His direct presence.

But yearning for that, nonetheless. Not, as is often heard, longing for "all this to be over," or even "for that final day of rest...the beginning of eternal Sabbath"...no. And especially not longing to see judgment fall. Especially not that--praying, instead, that all as He wills continue to be saved. I deserve salvation no more than anyone, and knowing myself so unworthy...seeing so many who profane His name inspires longing for mercy, for Him to glorify Himself in them, too.

So, the yearning...is a desperate longing to be in His direct presence, all in all. This, even while wholly giving thanks for His abiding spiritual presence--without which, all would have already been entirely lost so many times over, these past many months.

Yet, it's incomplete somehow. There is more, is all. A greater degree of righteousness. A more fully embodied experience of sanctification. ...there is so much more of Him, and more to Him, than even has begun to be realized...so, it's known that what's now given is yet a partial fulfillment of the promise I have in Him. So, only more, ever more..always...is craved.

There's no other joy. There is no other peace. There's no other truth known, except in and through Him--through which all truth is come and known and applied.

And, yes, there is no other name by which we must be saved.

Jesus. Only Jesus Christ--by His name, alone.
Upon His authority. Through His divine authority.
...thus, in His name.

Not as though His name, itself, is a talisman. Even as there is power in saying His name, period. But He is the one who is the power.

All power and authority is given to Him, eternally.

To consider: Would you sign something, or ask something, on behalf of the President of the United States, without knowing him personally (and having been given explicit authority to do so)? ...you could, and if you were bold enough, some people might fail to realize your audacity for so using his name without the actual authority to do so--if you were conniving enough, per se, in your application of such a technique. And then, even, certain people might recognize you as someone who perpetuated such misdeeds often and they may simply patronize your usage of such an authoritative name, as a means of allowing the status quo to remain. Such that you might never come to a point where you're forced to question yourself, your motives, your actions...as you'd never been called to task for doing such a thing, given that those who choose to indulge you have no desire to disabuse you of your deceits (even if they yet perhaps mock you behind your back).

It's not different to use the Lord's name, is all, without His fellowship being a part of your life...in a lot of ways.

Only, the Lord is far more merciful that the President. Far more gracious. Far more loving. And far more powerful. He will even do things just for His name's sake. Which, I haven't really read very deeply into that particular topic...but again and again throughout the Old Testament, He spoke of having mercy, of saving Israel, of sparing Israel...for His own name's sake. Even while yet acknowledging the nation's nature--its sheer incapability of maintaining faithfulness, of maintaining lawfulness, of remaining devoted...acknowledging Israel's inherent shortcomings by choosing not to do what had ought be required for justice to be done, He chose instead to remain faithful out of His inherent nature, having ever made covenant with the nation of Israel...thus, remaining faithful for His own name's sake--the same by which He swore to Abraham. Even the progression of His covenant with us was in such a way as to further account for our weaknesses by making Himself all the more our source of ability unto faithfulness (He leads, He guides, He saves, He keeps us).

So, He does do things for His own name's sake, according to His covenant(s) and according to His very nature... ...when His name is invoked, even. As Jesus said...those who call upon His name will be saved.

There's a nuance to that, though. One which only He can differentiate--thus far, I only perceive its presence, but not its substance (unto elucidation, thus understanding).

Point being, then... ...His name is worthy of all reverence. His name is worthy of honor. Moreso than any other name. His name is worthy of all praise.

He is worthy of all praise.

Yet, publicly, often in this society...His name is slandered, degraded, blasphemed, made a curse...deplored.

Has that been so, before?...at any time, in history?
Has the very name of God ever before been so thoroughly and continually profaned?

That fact that it's so now is just...humiliating (for having been party) and utterly distressing (for seeing others who are yet a party). So, again, there's just a desire to believe that such a thing will not last for long. As it certainly won't last forever, regardless.

To hear His glorious, precious, beautiful name profaned so glibly even as to be bandied about unto divisiveness betwixt professing Christians...is so very, very, very heart-wrenching.

Thus, the longing is even for His deliverance from such atrocities. That He would glorify His own name in this people, in this age, in this nation, in this society...that He will do so, without delay...is such a prayer. Hearing and seeing His name blasphemed is torturous, is all--perhaps especially so for having once done such a thing for so long without remorse.

Yet, rage and indignation rule the day--readily giving party to denigration of all things sacred by counting all things equal...thus profaning the sacred and elevating the profane. Fingers pointing in all directions, as we all then smugly settle back into our own respective senses of self-justification, ever charting our favorite cause to a new course of development. Forgetting entirely that we none are justified, apart from Christ. None. So proclaiming justification of our actions, apart from prayerful progression...apart from profound humility?...is not done in the Spirit of Christ.

Thus the outrage, the indignation, and the perpetual tendency to fling invectives haphazardly, as we theorize some better means of finding common ground (ultimately to "win one another over," according to "inevitable" establishment of who remains most justified in their beliefs) is all coming to naught but further turmoil and declension. Fighting the world on its own terms is pointless--period. Paul tried to tell us that quite plainly in his epistle to the Ephesians, yet we've still rationalized our way back into "fighting" flesh and blood as though it were the only reasonable course. This is not to say that God won't direct action in the physical realm, but that it will ever be in addition to prayer and proselytizing, seeking sanctification and righteousness, and ardent Bible study and devotion. These, however, don't seem to be what we have all collectively been beginning with and maintaining, all the while, along the entire course of whatsoever has ever been attempted to "fix" or "help" things.

Which is wherein the longing springs up, yet again--of a sheer desperation to plead His Name to people who do believe..

..because it's a different course entirely, and also yearned for, to see those who don't know Christ come into a saving relationship with Him..

..but of those who do know Him?  ...the desire to seek assent in praising His sovereignty and praising His glory--unto repentance for the whole of the ills being done by our society, unto begging His mercy on all our behalf--is ardent.

And that particular urge is very difficult to deny, despite that prayers requesting permission to do so are almost always met with a redirection of prayer: then, to pray that realization will arise; then, to await any moment provided for prayerful speech. Waiting, then.

It's as this, and I'll share it again and again and again until it becomes so:

2 Chronicles 7
13 If I shut up heaven so no rain falls, or if I command locusts to devour the land, or if I send pestilence among My people,14 If My people, who are called by My name, shall humble themselves, pray, seek, crave,and require of necessity My face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven, forgive their sin, and heal their land.

Seriously.

The longing, in part, is of this nature.

To return to Him. For all of us, who are His, to return to Him.

Rather than postulating some better means of combatting the degradation of society.
Rather than formulating some more effective strategy for engaging in political and litigious warfare.
Rather than preaching doom, gloom, brimstone, and destruction.
Rather than admonishing on the ill-effects of sin, calling all to repent to be saved from hell...without proclaiming the above call to humility and sanctification, unto all.
Rather than reminding us all of Christ's inexplicable love and mercy, without highlighting the needfulness of humble supplication on behalf of sinners and saints, society and sanctity, alike.
Rather than speaking of our own soon deliverance, when speaking of the judgment soon coming.

Where are those proclaiming the need to humble ourselves, to repent entirely, to seek His face above all--requiring HIM, craving HIM, seeking HIM above and beyond all...?

*ahem*

Repent! For the kingdom of God is at hand!

...that--^

Where is that? Where's that message?
Why is there not more of it, amongst the brethren?

Why is there not yet an ardent call to intercession?
We had all ought be praying daily, for hours...weeping between the porch and the altar..

We must.

Oh, we need to.

Lord, please forgive us, we don't know what we're doing. Help us to see. Help us all to see. Help us to see Your precious light and to follow You in it, and out of this murk which mires our vision so horrendously from realizing the depths of the atrocities being perpetuated, even in Your precious name, all around us. Please, Lord. For Your name's sake. Please deliver us, Your people. Help us to see You. We've become so lost. So very lost, that we don't oft even recognize You when we see You, anymore.. We oft don't even know Your voice when we hear it, anymore.

We don't know the voice of our own precious Shepherd, anymore, Lord...for our own bleating has become so loud and beloved unto us. Please, Lord, forgive us for our abominable idolatries. We have so sinned against You.

We have...all so sinned against You. Please, forgive us. Please, Lord, for Your name's sake...have mercy, deliver us, glorify Your name amongst Your people.

There is nothing else for us, Lord, save that You do this. We have nothing else. No one else has the words of life. No one else can save. None other is faithful, as You are. Please, Lord.

Help us. We have nothing, except that You give. We know nothing, except that You shed light. We can do nothing, except that You empower and endow. Help us to see and to know these things, Lord. Help us to see You again, Lord. There is nothing else for us.

And everything else is against us. Oh, Lord, please.

We have no idea what we're doing. We have no idea what we've done. We're all just vastly confused, wandering, building sandcastles in our minds with Your name on them...seeking You through the means given to knowledge in the world, seeking You by ways of intellectual design, seeking You solely by experiential means which aren't in keeping with Your divine Word, seeking You to sate our own lusts, rather than for Your sake, for who You truly are. As to know You, as You would have us do.

Please, Lord. There's nothing else.
Nothing.

We can only survive as You allow. And I know You have retained a remnant. I know You have, You always do. Lord, please. We do hunger and thirst for You, even if perhaps we know naught of how to be filled. Please, for Your name's sake...guide us, as You said You would. You said You would teach those who were called. You would guide us into all truth, even. Please, Lord.

We desperately need You, even as we don't begin to know the depths of how limitless is that need.

There's nothing else, Lord. Help us to know that, to perceive the truth of it. Help us to rely solely upon You, and to require You. Help us, Lord. We can do nothing, except that it be through You and by Your will...as are all things. So, please, Lord...glorify Your precious name in Your people. Glorify Yourself in Your people, for Your name's sake.

Lord be with us, make Your face to shine upon us. Lead us in the way's of righteousness for Your name's sake, and teach us Your ways.

Thank You for all You are and are doing, this great work in all which is. So vast beyond reckoning of our comprehension. So mighty to save, You are. And ever worthy of praise, Lord. So worthy.

So eternally worthy.

A dream of life.

Dreams, sometimes.

This morning, early. Third-person perspective through a good portion of the dream. The general schematic was in terms of a video or computer game, where "two players" began a discussion of the creation of my character. One of these two persisted as an implied presence, being the one who originally conceived the idea of creating, then presented the idea to the one whose voice was literally heard. Neither one were actually there, so to speak. Or, rather, they were "there," just not visibly present. They collaborated in deciding upon creation, then the one whose voice was overheard consistently reinforced their decisions aloud, as the creative force "within the game" would then manifest in accord with whatsoever the decision was--always manifesting details according to the principles and outlines spoken aloud, then...agreeing by bringing such things into being.

So, my creation was a three-part process: The "unheard voice" which preceded all conceived of me, then the voice (who ended up being "a character in the game," too, although I never directly saw him)  discussed aspects of my character with the unheard consciousness--determining specific needs, specific endowments, specific provisions, specific developments--and then the invisible, manifest power within the game enacted all things according to specified design. All three parts acted in one accord--aligned as one, yet still distinct...the invisible, unbound consciousness (conceived the ideas for creation--ideas of being, of need, of endowment); the voice of the one who directed creative power (himself embodying a "character" in the game, he further expressed given ideas as viable concepts per spoken assent), and the creative power which enacted all (manifested those spoken concepts into visible expressions of such an accord).

It really was as though the one whose voice I heard... ...as though his was a similar "manifestation" in the game, while the one who conceived of my creation as a character was actually his overarching consciousness--that part of his "being" which was ever unconstrained by the character he took on as otherwise manifest inherently within the strictures of the "game world." And the creative force was yet them both--the consciousness of him, as unbound by the strictures of the game world, and of his understanding and authority as manifest itself also in the game world. ...like...a coder, the manifest character he created for himself to embody within the encoded realm, and the code itself (as ever read and written and revised again and again...only the power, the "code" was conscious in and of itself, too--it willingly enacted what was given as to do).

So, it was ever the same person, though, just... ...less to different degrees bound by the confines of the "game" in which the voice, the consciousness, the manifest power partook a role.

The creative power which manifested the parts of my creation was, effectively, that same one...yet in just the same way as the others, still distinctly individual. Because it was an unseen force evident in all, and always operating according to the particular designs and principles and orders as decided by that unbound consciousness which begat the process (operating according to its own nature)...yet conscious of the process, over course of enacting whatsoever was deemed necessary, it further bridged gaps and changed things even without the other parts having to openly direct, at times, just as according to the same standards and principles inherent of all the person it in part comprised.

I watched the process of my own creation, overhearing portions of their discussion. "With" them, in a sense, for having been contrived as a creation...thus, able to observe in part. But, still, not in any way active. Not until after having been created and "set free" or "set loose" to act my part in the realm.
To proceed according to my endowments.

I heard them discussing what I would need, in order to be able to operate according to particular standards by which my character would generally proceed. I listened to them decide to endow with particular talents, observed as particular accommodations were made as to assist in my character's progress. I heard the care with which planning took place. Knowing that my character would have its own particular role to play, and hearing how they conceived of ensuring all necessities for progress and provision would ever and always be in place.

Seeing the creative force manifest the accoutrements of personality and of "inventory" as described by the creative character(s).

And after they'd gotten to a point of satisfaction, regarding the completion of my character, according to their will for it and according to designation of particular features to shape and form and endow development according to their(his) will for my character.. ..I began to come to consciousness as the character so endowed, endued, and designed. Operating according to the principles which comprised my character, interacting according to the traits which were endued...progressing according to my designated purpose. Increasingly becoming aware of myself in terms of my creator's role in my being--this, according to their design also.

A few further points of note, in the dream...

...I had such a strong sense of the creators' love, all along the course of their creation of me. The care which was taken, in every detail--from the most grandiose and overarching (what will she aspire to, where will she live, where will she tend to go, what job/s will she have), to the most minute and mundane (what color is her hair, what style clothing will she prefer, what will be her favorite color)--just bespoke a depth of love and vastness of concern for my well-being which was absolutely incomprehensible.

One point which was made, in particular, was of the matter of my provision. In the dream, there was provision made for my character in terms of a husband who provided all things necessary to comfort, convenience, and emotional/mental support. Only, he was wholly absent. He was never seen. Merely, his existence and his presence were detectable per the course of provisions allotted and per the overarching implication of his existence. And I loved him, explicitly.

A day came, though...past the point when the dream had gone from third-person to first-person perspective, in terms of my "character" when my "in-game home" was assaulted by someone who was perceived as intending dire personal harm.

And I remember the desperation of thinking, "If only my husband were home, they would never have dared to attempt this!" as I fled through the house, seeking shelter, seeking out some means of self-protection, seeking out some type of weaponry with which to defend myself. I "remembered" in the dream that there was one room in particular, in the house, which the creators used as a point of contact between their realm and mine, as to most generally manifest deemed necessities. Fled to the door, found access restricted by a locking mechanism tied into a digital alarm panel with a series of buttons, numeric and code.

Looking at the panel in desperation, I thought of the one who had spoken so lovingly and pressed two buttons, only to find the mechanism and lock thereby disabled. Fleeing into the room, closing the door behind, I sought to speak with him who had created...begging for assistance, begging for deliverance, begging for help.

As he began to respond, gently expressing such tender concern for my anxiety while reassuring me that nothing could or would harm me, I could hear the invaders knocking around outside the door. They gained entry, but immediately were changed.

From heartless, mindless savages bent on my destruction, then to compassionate, supportive attendants intent upon comforting and assuaging fear.

In the dream, I was speechless and incredulous. Being comforted by those very ones who had so sought my destruction. All the while, still listening to the silence on the other end of the line which I'd used to contact the one who had designed and created me, watching things completely transformed before my very eyes...knowing...knowing it was according to his design, according to his further machinations.

When the two would-be attackers left, I remained in the room, intent on continuing conversation with the one who had designed me, anticipated and provided so amply for my every need, and even gladly saved me from certain destruction. Furthermore, he seemed entirely pleased with my intent to remain in dialogue.

Continuing to discuss all the things...all the ways and places and people and experiences and material provisions he'd ordained for my life, for enduing me with the skills, knowledge, and understanding as to shape and form my character...even culminating in bringing me to a point of desperately seeking him, knowing he was my only hope..

...then, it occurred to me, in the dream...he had left the husband-figure implied, according to the standards of the game. In actuality, he had designed that particular role in my life for himself. Though, again--not according to the general standards of the game, in that there wasn't intended or possible to ever be a direct encounter. Because, oddly so it seemed, even as the one with the voice did have a physical embodiment, himself, in the game... ...it wasn't for such a purpose, as so limited.

I was, in part, devastated to find that there'd never be a point of direct meeting, over course of the entirety of my role in the game, itself. To ever be distant, only to talk by proxy of the manifest power to do so, within the game?

And, further, realizing the role of "husband" wasn't in any capacity in accord with what's generally portrayed according to the standards of the game.. ..was, in part, chastisement of my own nature within the game. I wanted something directly to be experienced, something directly to be grasped, something on terms of my own nature. When what he was offering actually superseded all those things, entirely, in a way which was so far superior as to be incomparable.

Yes, there was to be no giving in to baser urges, no accommodation of flighty temptations, nor any indulgence of such limited devotions as are inherent of the otherwise fulfilling and potentially uplifting relationships between those who are yet part of the game, together. None of those things. But only because it wasn't necessary, and would prove to be more of a distraction to me than anything else might. Because his nature wasn't the same as mine, and in order to become more like him, that aspect of my nature was best abandoned, as well.

He was, in the dream...more of an overseer, is how he put it, per implication. And although he assured me that someday I would in truth be with him, I was still entirely reminded that it would no longer be in any way about any of the concepts which so dominated according to the schematics of the "game."

Such joy, though. Such peace, in conversing even so distantly as was afforded. Such hope.

Even in knowing that, for all intents and purposes, my life was forever changed by the experience of seeing him work directly and refraining from forgetting the experience.. ..then, still, the hope of knowing I could ever continue conversation, and retain the hope of one day sitting at his feet, in truth as well as essence..

...as I sat, awestruck and reveling in the wonder of the joy of even such remote (yet manifest) presence as was afforded per direct conversation, still experiencing an internal battle (background) lightly continued over the concept of one who would never be present in the way which others are, yet who would always, always, always be there... ..always providing in ways which I couldn't even be cognizant of the necessity of so requiring..
..and providing in ways which altered the very nature of the involved matters, transforming them from what they were. In essence, rewriting the code of the game as it progressed, as a means of provision and of assistance. Which assists not only me, but also those transformed... ...as I sat, still, in the dream.. ..reveling in his words and the implications..

I awoke into continued solemn, prayerful contemplation. And praise. A new song, again.

Joel 2
32And it shall come to pass, that whosoever shall call on the name of the LORD shall be delivered: for in mount Zion and in Jerusalem shall be deliverance, as the LORD hath said, and in the remnant whom the LORD shall call.

Galatians 3
26For ye are all the children of God by faith in Christ Jesus. 27For as many of you as have been baptized into Christ have put on Christ. 28There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus.

Hosea 2

14Therefore, behold, I will allure her, and bring her into the wilderness, and speak comfortably unto her.

15And I will give her her vineyards from thence, and the valley of Achor for a door of hope: and she shall sing there, as in the days of her youth, and as in the day when she came up out of the land of Egypt.

16And it shall be at that day, saith the LORD, that thou shalt call me Ishi; and shalt call me no more Baali.

17For I will take away the names of Baalim out of her mouth, and they shall no more be remembered by their name.

18And in that day will I make a covenant for them with the beasts of the field, and with the fowls of heaven, and with the creeping things of the ground: and I will break the bow and the sword and the battle out of the earth, and will make them to lie down safely.

19And I will betroth thee unto me for ever; yea, I will betroth thee unto me in righteousness, and in judgment, and in lovingkindness, and in mercies.

20I will even betroth thee unto me in faithfulness: and thou shalt know the LORD.

21And it shall come to pass in that day, I will hear, saith the LORD, I will hear the heavens, and they shall hear the earth;

22And the earth shall hear the corn, and the wine, and the oil; and they shall hear Jezreel.

23And I will sow her unto me in the earth; and I will have mercy upon her that had not obtained mercy; and I will say to them which were not my people, Thou art my people; and they shall say, Thou art my God.

On divisiveness and unnecessary points of distinction.

Two churches, today. One which hadn't been visited in...at least six months? And the other, the same which has been Friday-evening's port-of-call since September.

Sitting, at one point, though.. ..wondering why, regardless of specific approaches to worship and theology, we can't all just enjoy the company of our brothers and sisters in Christ. Finally putting to death that part within me which wants to consider myself set apart in some way which refers to distinction/differentiation rather than discernment of the Spirit, in other words.

Which now comes to mind that this is a finer point of comprehending quite what Paul was referring to when he spoke of being as the Jews, when among the Jews, and as those without law (Gentiles), when he was amongst those who were lawless (the Gentiles).

The bit of parenthetical specification had proven itself a necessity, given my own initial tendency to become completely astonished over the idea of being lawless around folks. That bit of phrasing got twisted up a lot in my own mind, over the course of the year prior to experiencing conversion. To the extent that I used it to justify some fairly heinous stuff. After conversion, it still kind of stuck with me, then. But not in the same way--just in a sense that I knew I'd entirely misinterpreted the spirit of the intended message, yet had no idea what else it was supposed to mean. Then, one day not long ago, hearing someone mention Gentiles as being those who were without the law.. ..it clicked. The Law. Mosaic Law. The codified Law of our God, as given to (and according to Jesus, at least in terms of divorce, extrapolated upon by) Moses. Learning about the importance of The Law has been, therefore, kind of an ongoing thing. Even as it's summed to hinge upon loving God with one's all, and loving all others as oneself. Still, the law accomplished some interesting things, according to Paul--making sin evident, most blatantly (...again, still learning, so I'm still entirely transfixed by even that wholly inept summation).

In terms of Pharisees and Sadducees, it's becoming a point of consideration that they were (in one still limited sense) the political leaders of the day. I'd always considered them to be priests, before, but broadening comprehension of the historical setting has increasingly expanded upon such a limited interpretation. The division sounds political (of or relating to the government or the public affairs of a country...of or relating to the ideas or strategies of a particular party or group in politics). Wherein, thus far the only distinction wholly noted occurs both in the Gospels and in Acts, in terms of note being made of the Sadducees refusal of the doctrine of resurrection of the dead--then, further pointed out as a "hot topic of ideological debate" when Paul used that particular point to create a stir between those who were seeking to come against him in front of his Roman captor.

As a side-note, in regard to being caught up over the idea of Paul "becoming as without the law," I'd always referred solely to the King James interpretation, prior to being converted--so no other translations were taken to bear in my misinterpretation of his intended message. Ultimately, so long as the Holy Spirit is guiding interpretation and application, there doesn't seem to be much point of internal contention over which "version" of the Bible is being studied. Preference has moreso transitioned to reading between different interpretations, to attempt to gauge nuances of meaning which aren't quite evinced in King James' English. Same as with listening to sermons--if something sets off what equates to spiritual alarm, then prayer comes for redirection and clarification.

...but I used to hold this mystical sort of mindset in relation to the King James version, wherein it was viewed as somehow hiding deeper truths than the rest of the translations, as being more difficult to comprehend. As though having to struggle for the meaning meant that greater revelation would result. ..like some sort of mystical transformation would come by way of the translation, itself. (Again, I used to be very deeply involved in the occult, so that sort of mentality was just par for the course.) Point being, I favored the translation because it catered to my then-prevalent mentality of works equating to salvation. I catered to the idea of gaining revelation by course of having earned it by merit of adhering to esoteric tenets, having sought them out of the intangible depths of King James' English. Delving into the Bible as though it were a talisman, in and of itself. Which, the Lord did have such mercy as to allow me to find peace in part by way of so delving. But any insight derived was entirely muddled by my own lack of clarity. Just perforce having no direct guidance into interpretation by the Holy Spirit, did I initially misinterpret the Bible as well as its contents.

Saying all this, though, isn't to be interpreted as implication of belief that there's anything necessarily wrong, in restricting study of the Word of God to a particular "version" of the Bible. For some folks, the King James interpretation may be the one which the Holy Spirit directs to, exclusively. For some people, potentially the NIV. For others, maybe there's no Bible available, whatsoever. Just, the Holy Spirit must guide interpretation and revelation of Christ, period. Otherwise, misinterpretation holds sway. A verse which popped up in the middle of a church service in September, inciting internal alarm per inferred meaning of the passage, strictly deals with that. And, apparently it's a verse which has been used to varying ill effects for however many centuries, off and on, restricting folks from individual Bible study..

2 Peter 1
20Knowing this first, that no prophecy of the scripture is of any private interpretation.

...which begins to make more sense, in its immediate context even.

19We have also a more sure word of prophecy; whereunto ye do well that ye take heed, as unto a light that shineth in a dark place, until the day dawn, and the day star arise in your hearts: 20Knowing this first, that no prophecy of the scripture is of any private interpretation. 21For the prophecy came not in old time by the will of man: but holy men of God spake as they were moved by the Holy Ghost.

...so, although I've heard folks preach from the pulpit that Scripture isn't intended to be interpreted individually, by individual church members..as according to 2 Peter 1:20... ..no.
The intent was that we had ought know Scripture is not for private interpretation, as interpreted without the assistance of the Holy Spirit. ...as Scripture wasn't written according to individuals' inferences, but was given through prompting of the Holy Spirit; then, so is the Holy Spirit necessary when we seek to interpret what He had first inspired to be written.

In other words, without the Holy Spirit's guidance, all sorts of wrong ideas are going to come about by way of attempted interpretation and attempted application of Scripture. There'll be more divisiveness per unnecessary points of distinction than there'll be compassion and acceptance betwixt  individual members of the Body of Chris...and there'll be more confusion than certainty wrought of reading.

The thing is..

...the only way to come to a place of being led by the Holy Spirit into interpretation...

...is to seek God first, in all things. And for me, at least, that definitely included a good deal of rather misdirected and completely blasphemous attempts at Bible reading and interpretation, prior to salvation. So, the same may hold true for many--seeking God may necessitate a lot of time spent in Scripture, generally speaking, even prior to being sealed with the Holy Spirit (although the Lord will definitely work as He chooses, when and in whosoever, by whatsoever means--whether that starts in the Bible, or not).

When Christ said that we are to seek first the kingdom of God, and His righteousness...and that, then, all things [else] would be added unto [us]..

..He kind of seriously meant that, apparently. Same as with the rest of the Bible. He meant what He said, all the times and all the ways He said it... ...we're all just incapable of comprehending, except that He reveals the meaning to us. Like with the Song of Songs being allegorical of Christ's love for the Church?...for each of us? Even as there are other points of meaning to be taken, individually, within the all? How else to truly have a revelation of that, except for the Holy Spirit's revelation of the depths? It's not possible. Not with the depths, the clarity, the purity, and the profundity of such as is available, through the Holy Spirit's guidance.

He takes it from being an intellectual check-list of order in progression, when it comes to hermeneutical processes applied to interpretation while reading.. ..to becoming a Christ-centric, self-revelatory, convicting, edifying, and utterly revolutionary experience of the message.

...and the interpretation doesn't end. One revelation of Christ broadens into the next, so that each more revealing insight into the Scriptures ends up bringing to light varied bits of nuance in all which surrounds.

None of which comes without the leading of the Holy Spirit. Jesus said He would guide us into all truth.

John 16
13 Howbeit when he, the Spirit of truth, is come, he will guide you into all truth: for he shall not speak of himself; but whatsoever he shall hear, that shall he speak: and he will shew you things to come.

The "all" there still catches me up, pondering. What is "all truth?" Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life... ...He is, in sum, "all truth." Yet there seems to be something surrounding that knowledge which this verse refers to. Especially considering the previous recorded statement:

John 16
12 I have yet many things to say unto you, but ye cannot bear them now.

That sounds more in accord with reference in Acts to how the Holy Spirit directed the speech, fellowship, and activities of the early apostles. Wherein there was active direction. Active guidance into truth, and active revelation.

Which, I'm still pursuing further comprehension of how certain folks have pigeonholed the role of the Holy Spirit as anything other than what it was initially proposed. Wherein there are even certain sects who propose that the teachings of Jesus were exclusively for the original 12 disciples, and not for the church. Makes no sense to me, but I can kind of comprehend how people would want to take that stance--it's "safer," as far as requiring less of those who currently profess themselves to be His followers ("believers").

Either way, no matter. People will do as they do. Many are called but few are chosen.

That lattermost phrase, there, has become increasingly prevalent these past couple days (in terms of its weightiness). Not only is being called to God's purpose a position of gracious esteem, requiring absolute reverence and subjugation to His will... ...but, further... ...the realization comes that there's a distinction between being called and being chosen.

The lattermost example of which was included as part of the bridal feast parable, wherein the one who came without a wedding garment was cast into outer darkness. Called, but not chosen.
He didn't properly attire himself. Attending a wedding feast at the Lord of the realm's abode, and he hadn't the reverence for the house to even attire himself properly. We are to be clothed in righteousness, y'all.

Faith, works, love--intermingled to the point of being inseparable, unto obedience.

Righteousness is active goodness, after all. Not restive. Not a state of "being good," but a state of having works which are good and thus attest to one's goodness.

Christ's righteousness is donned as our own, when we come to Him without guile, without regard for self, without restriction, requirement, or restraint. When we come to Him as a living sacrifice, daily taking up our own cross. He clothes us in His own righteousness. His yoke is light, truly, even as the weight of truth is gloriously uplifting as it burns away the dross in hearts and lives.

How else is there, is all?

As far as the old "you can't get there from here"-joke goes, it's more true of salvation than of anything. Except that Christ Himself said that although it is impossible with man, all things are possible with God. Just...we cannot.

He can.

And it seems, perhaps, that's one of the major points of restriction as far as modern church "growth" goes--somehow we've collectively gotten to a point where we're entirely self-reliant.

We want to prove to God that we can do it, so that He doesn't have to. To give Him some time off, or some crazy such nonsense...as we'll "let Him know when we need Him," or "when it's time for Him to show up," and in what manner, even. Preposterous, all of us.

Much of the mentality along the lines of "cleanliness is next to godliness" has infiltrated. Which is entirely works-based. And it's proliferated a dichotomy of thought in relation to faith and works which James sought to disband, yet which has even now been bolstered by misinterpretation and misapplication of some of what he'd said, as taken out of context so to apply onto other fields of concern which other apostles had confronted and addressed in epistles.

We're entirely works-based, just about. And not just works, in terms of righteousness. Works, in terms of busyness. Wherein, if you're not obviously taking on more than you can handle, you're not doing the will of God.

A very secular view of things, honestly.

Yet many things which were written in the epistles have been adapted to suit current societal trends in terms of what constitutes success.

I hadn't realized these things as prevalent to the extent they are until having ventured into some particular upstanding congregations. Which...yes, none of us are perfect.

None will be, until that final day.

But there's almost a desperation that's crept into all the churches, these days. Wherein, regardless of what the focus is, there's a sense of "we need to make sure we're doing enough of this" and "we must start doing more of that," as a means of achieving some indefinably higher "standard of godliness." A desperate striving unto works, in other words.

"Are we doing enough????"

...seems a fairly constant refrain, in one variation on that precise theme or another (even as its converse, "We are doing so much!!!")

Minding all our p's and q's (with all the varying proposed origins for such a phrase implied as inherent to the scope of applicable interpretation in this example), in other words. Very us-centric.

Which is wherein division, spirits of divisiveness, thrive. Because so long as we're focused on trying to adhere to some proposed, derived schemata of orthodoxy...which is based either wholly on theological understandings, or based upon "established understandings," or founded upon "validating experiences," then we're not focused on Christ.

And whenever we're not focused on Christ, we've stopped seeking reconciliation, we've stopped yearning for sanctification unto His image. We've begun to differentiate and divide according to other precepts and standards.

The thing which perhaps, along that line, is the most "mysterious" or paradoxical or howsoever you'd prefer..

...is that even as Christ is the only reconciliation, He is also the point of utmost division.

But...the reconciliation is unto God. The division is from the world.

The peace he gives isn't as the world gives. His peace abides. His is unfaltering. It does not waver. His peace weathers even the entire world shattering, without a single tremor.

The peace the world gives is balanced on a blade. Tenuous and requiring utmost maintenance, otherwise it falls asunder. Even as it may become "habitual" given certain practices which "maintain" it... ...still, it falls apart when circumstances change. The peace the world gives is dependent upon practice...dependent upon circumstances, then.

The peace which Christ gives comes through Him and is maintained by Him, in us. Regardless of what's going on. Like a mantle set on one's shoulders, rather than as something conjured.

That's not a very apt means of differentiating. There's still far too much...vagueness, and not nearly enough which really delineates. But for now. Just to keep working.

Again, the concern has still been the spirit of divisiveness. It's been holding such sway within me, these past many months. So, so much. And I'm still only on the verge of being delivered from it, through surrendering to the need to love rather than attempt to "diagnose." So, until then... ...just a few moments more, spent remarking upon the difficulty of the process.

Divisiveness over methods of worship, over methods of study, over methods of interpretation, over methods and means of all things in approach to Christ. Even internal divisiveness, in terms of what should be and what is.

Where is the love, in all that? Where is the trust in the Lord, as the one who will perform the work He began in us, until the day of His return?

And, again, even therein lies another point of dichotomy. For, we must trust, but part of trusting is obedience which oft entails action. 

But not always, is the hinging point.

There's a false sense of desperation spawned per the frenzied desire to be obedient now. Because our idea of "obedience" is largely one which explicitly entails actions. Physical, visible, movement-entailing action.

As a society (and to many extents, as a world), we've gotten to the point where we view anything which is perceived as immobility or without visible movement... ...as being idle. Idle, in the sense of being without purpose, without direction, without inherent expression of utility. Idle, as in wasteful of implied resources.

The whole concept of perishable inventory, in terms of things like...medical care, hotel rooms, airline tickets, and the like--wherein, if a thing is not "sold" (used) on a given day, then once that day passes, the possibility of profiting from that sale is completely gone. Same idea has pervaded the world, in terms of the observed use of time.

If we're not visibly accomplishing something, there's come about a sense of there being no accomplishment. If we're not visibly working toward something which has been explicitly defined, then we're not spending time in a worthwhile fashion.

And, perhaps this is why folks have pretty much set prayer out to dry, for the duration: ofttimes, the visible results, the tangible results, the immediate effects, thus the perceived utility of prayer.. ..are entirely unquantifiable. Thus, we don't generally consider it possible to justify time spent in prayer. Regardless of what the Bible says, we still put more stock (more value) in what we see and can measure and explain and comprehend than in what we cannot.

Including God, Himself.

I'm every bit as guilty as everyone else. It's only by grace that I even see any as to be capable of remarking, and then to pray for deliverance, further deliverance.

The mire of this one particular, though..

..is so vast.

We are so wont to measure our "accomplishments as Christians" according to the same standards of progress set forth in the world, according to these particular terms, is all. But we can't.

It doesn't tally, ultimately. God is a God who requires faith, in order to be pleased. And faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. So, if we're utilizing tangible, visible, remarkable junctures as sole evidence of progress, as primary assurance of development along the Christian path..

..our focus is entirely lop-sided, at the very least.

You can't listen to someone and know where they are, on the whole. Listen, yes, but watch also. Sometimes the paths trodden in silence are the most evocative of a state of being. And ofttimes, obedience requires more waiting than walking.

Brings to mind dog training, honestly. I have very, very little experience training animals. But what little there had been.. ..made it seem as though action commands were much more easily conveyed, thus obeyed, than commands which required immobility. Same as we tend, the animals always preferred to be moving in some fashion, rather than remaining motionless.

There seems a certain anxiety invoked, initially, in being told to remain stationary. To wait.
Even if there are things which need to be done, as part of the process of "waiting," there's still an overwhelming desire to be in the throes of change. There's still an overwhelming urge to be on some visible path of progress, with recordable points of progress along the course. Milestones visible, no matter how "small" or seemingly arbitrary.

We're accustomed to responding to series of "scheduled" events which constitute mile-stones of progress, or mile-markers of advance. From seasonal crop yields, to seasonal planting requirements, to yearly traditions upheld (including birthdays, as one very commonly remarkable milestone), to monthly excursions/retreats (like perhaps a once-a-month restaurant trip, or a once-a-month conversation with an old friend), to monthly bill payments, to bi-monthly paychecks, to bi-monthly grocery trips, to weekly laundromat trips, to weekly days off of work, to bi-weekly church visit, to daily periods of recreation, to daily routine reading of Scripture.

Point being, on this account--we're creatures of habit, largely. We prefer routine. We like to see and experience visible markers, tangible processes, manifest experiences which attest to the persistence of a routine, thus a process of consistency. Preferably, then, even a process of such experiences which can be notably remarked as culminating in tangible, visible, experiential progress.

And it seems, for the most part, a lot of us Christians take that same mentality and bring it into our walk with Christ, and try to conform that walk to what our lives previously were comprised of: a series of goals set and pursued, check-list style in logical order of flow and priority.

Key concept being that we attempt to make our walk with Christ conform to what modes of operation and priority drove our lives previously. 

That's where all the weirdness comes in, along the lines of the dichotomies of thought which are prevalent. Even the idea of there being dichotomy of thought can seem wrong, except to realize that we're living dichotomously in Christ and in the world...from which the rest springs forth, really. Which is wherein the gate and the way are straight and narrow...they have to be--we're walking the line between two vastly disjointed realms, meaning there has to be balance. And the only way to balance, in terms of one of those two realms being invisible...is as having One who is of that realm assist progress. That One is simultaneously the only point of connection which reconciles those realms--He is thus THE Way along which we must proceed. So balanced, then, by Him and upon that precise line of reconciliation which He (His being, His life, His redemptive death, His resurrection, His sovereignty) comprises, we walk onward.

As treading along a tightrope.

Christ is that such Way.

So, every time we take our eyes off of Him...?
Of course we start to flounder, to fumble, to grasp at air!...just trying to muster any sense of balance as first comprised our walk along His way, or as constituted our initial experiences of Him.

Rather than keeping focus, letting His peace reign--rather than letting Him keep us aloft and steady.. ..there's prior prevalent, fleshly tendency to want to look around, and especially to want to look down--everything and anywhere, really, rather than to keep our eyes fixed in one direction...even in so glorious a direction as at Him beckoning us onward.

We still rather buck against admonition that we had ought only look in His direction--in only one direction, then--when we've been so accustomed to doing whatsoever we will, whensoever we will. When we've been so long accustomed to perpetual motion, perpetual grasping, perpetual fumbling, perpetual striving...rather than to rest in Him, and obey as He directs, we often choose the "safety" of familiarity of needless striving and endless anxieties over such inanities as "performance."

So, we are very wont to look around, even to often fumble, upon having thus refused His leadership (His peace and love, moreover), and we then resort to floundering about for whatsoever else might restore balance. Rather than returning directly to Him, then, most often...we instead look to what we can visibly, tangibly, experientially grasp upon.

Often, we may resort to "pushing off" of those around us, many who are similarly walking that "tightrope"...by way of comparison and contrast, inclusion and exclusion--arbitrary and needless points of distinction made, unto divisiveness...as a means of trying to reflexively define our own position, we differentiate the position of others from ourselves...rather than looking to Christ, being loved and loving, then loving others.
And...often, we may also find ourselves clinging to another person whose walk was or seems more stable than our own--a method which might help, but only so long as that one ends up directing our eyes back to Christ, exclusively.

Otherwise, each and any scenario of that sort of fumbling and "pushing off" and clinging will only become all the more unsettling for everyone even remotely impacted.

Until the eyes of all return to Christ, such unrest and division will yet reign in the hearts of those who are His. We are torn from without and within, as so perpetually lodging ourselves outside of Him--outside of His love, His peace, His provision (which isn't as the world gives, even as He owns the cattle on 1,000 hills). Which, by not seeking Him first...all of which, we have refused.
So, let us fix our eyes upon Him, then.
The author and the finisher of our faith.

Hebrews 12
2 Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God.

Let us confess our all such sins, one to another. That we may be healed. That these rifts might be sealed. Humility is so necessary to us all. Pray that He humbles us, each and every one. Praying ardently that we may all be sealed for the day of redemption. Whoever so many as He will choose. May there be billions more.

James 5

16Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much. 17Elias was a man subject to like passions as we are, and he prayed earnestly that it might not rain: and it rained not on the earth by the space of three years and six months. 18And he prayed again, and the heaven gave rain, and the earth brought forth her fruit.

19Brethren, if any of you do err from the truth, and one convert him; 20Let him know, that he which converteth the sinner from the error of his way shall save a soul from death, and shall hide a multitude of sins.

1 Peter 4
7The end of all things is at hand; therefore be self-controlled and sober-minded for the sake of your prayers. 8Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.

..

And this is all a mass jumble of ideas, right now. But it's various bits of things which have been points of fascination, this past week, increasingly.

So, enough for now.

I hope the Lord keeps you safe and draws you near. I pray You've had a clear vision of Him, of how absolutely, inexpressibly precious and wonderful He is...such a vision as makes sin the most loathsome thing imaginable. I'm hoping you experience Him, yourself, daily.