Count the Cost

Distinctions between individual perspectives have a much greater impact on manners of understanding and being than is usually obvious or readily discernible.

As according to my own manner of perceiving and processing, assumptions have persisted--erroneous and unrecognized--in regard to believing my own perception and manner of understanding is ordinarily shared with most, or at least would be easily explained. Finite distinctions in perspective, small though they be, apparently can constitute a world of difference in terms of communication and ability to effectively communicate, though.

We all fairly constantly assume that all others around us perceive and process circumstances and information in ways which are wholly similar to our own (such that they would reach the same conclusions or have the same reactions as we would, given exposure to the same circumstance/info). This just simply isn't the case, at all, but it's easy to neglect how deep an impact even the most slight of differences between perspective really may have upon interpretation and interaction, and especially regarding what really constitutes effective communication.

Interpretation and application of all understanding varies according to basic processes by which we each do perceive and understand. And we rarely realize that even our own most precise speech could be understood in a multiplicity of ways, rather assuming we make ourselves entirely plain in whatever way we choose to speak--syntax being precisely ordered, often, in attempt to clarify very poignantly a given message. 

But the Lord has made us to be distinct. He's given us differences, so He's given us to understand differently. We, each, are finite. He, infinite. And He's varied us according to His will and pleasure, for to do so. 

In some ways, this is encapsulated along Paul's contemplation of differentiation within the church--we're each formed and gifted in Christ to be differing parts of the body, with differing gifts, abilities, callings, functions, and means and methods of individual (and collective) operation. So very different, we are.

So, even as we are all the same (as human beings...in Christ, and so on) we're all utterly different. 

Just as that, most basically, we each have physical features which are almost entirely unvaried: one heart, two lungs, a brain, and all the rest...

...then, not only are those similarities very apparent (enough as to make possible a scientific study of a "normal" constitution and operation), so also are disorders or deviations in form or function all the more evident because of a baseline sameness. A type of absolute, which can be seen as right order in terms of a human body. And, yet, even with that as the case...still, there's a seeming endless variation among features which are the most superficially evident and also variation of features utterly fundamental (as with perspective, issuing forth along such distinction). 

We differ in those ways, without necessarily entailing evidence of disorder/dysfunction: in appearance and in essence. No two people bear precisely the same composition along those two points of differentiation: appearance and essence. So even in the case of twins, while there are definite and pronounced similarities along both those lines--down to the genetic level, even including preferences for food...but, still, there are always distinctions which differentiate. Still, even seeming the same, there are essential differences.

Yet we so often have tendency to assume similarities when it's most irregular to do so (as with assuming perspectives to be the same, despite endless variation). And tendency to assume difference when it's most detrimental (in regard to essence, despite fundamental similarities between us all).

We assume ourselves right, our way of understanding to be the best way. Our ways of acting to be the most acceptable, given it's what does work best for us. So, an appearance of difference between manners of being, acting, understanding then often is automatically considered highly suspicious, likely erroneous. 

Those perceived as evidencing sufficient superficial (even if behavioural) differences then must be far more different than we could ever understand--this, often, is another equally fallacious point of division between us. 

There are principles accepted in the field of psychology which are given precisely to describing these types of matters. But describing them in theory--testing them to establish prevalence and pervasiveness--doesn't do anything much more than put words to what exists (akin to Adam's being given to name all the creatures of the earth), if even then we might attempt to manipulate such principles as to further comprehend their operation and also detect and understand principles which are tangential and overlapping.

That only further distracts, though, rather than reconciling. All over the place, I hear messages of how people want healing, they want wellness--for the environment, for society, for the world, for the hurting. Seeking reconciliation through differentiation is a confounding course, though.

The fact of simultaneous sameness and difference and the ways in which these play out in and through us all...doesn't have to equate to division, though. But if we're bent on picking everything apart, we're not at work in putting it rightly together, no matter what lie we tell ourselves to the contrary.

God has made us to be who we are, individually, though...He differentiated us, according to His will...

...but when we turn away from Him, turning to ourselves and our ways of understanding--needling everything, while neglecting Him...

...it's then that differentiation becomes division, and division devolves unto dysfunction and even disease. In all spheres. In all walks. In all realms of existence. In all ways. Compounding. 

He has made us. He can heal us. As it be His will, even as we must seek Him for this.

We continue to (often wordlessly, wholly unconsciously) assume our own perspective/understanding is independently/exclusively valid and sufficient unto pursuit/recognition of truth, though, thus refusing (at least partially) recognition of the inherent legitimacy of perspectives which differ from ours (oft like-mindedly maintained: different viewpoints, also considered independently/exclusively valid)...

...this simultaneously constitutes a rejection (if only silent, unconscious) of the all-encompassing, abject, and absolute validity of God's own truth/s being ever greater than our own--especially as His truths, being wholly perfect and absolute, are so much more vastly comprehensive (ultimately infinite, yeah) than could be understood according to even our most diligent and expansive endeavors to contemplate and discover any given matter (incl. attempts to understand the all of creation). 

So, if we aren't seeking Him and His will and ways and His understanding and knowledge of Him, first and even to the exclusion of our own understanding--as surrendering all and subjecting all--all--thought/s to Christ... ...we're effectively contesting the supremacy of His wisdom, as even partially retaining an express favor of our own. 

Which...that's painful to contemplate. Seriously. 

Another way of putting this:

There are vast expanses which we are unaware that we are even unaware of, and some of those such expanses are so far beyond our current awareness, we're not even capable of becoming aware of our lack of awareness in regard to them. We aren't even near enough to realizing such a "void" in terms of present knowledge...that we can't even prod at the edges of it, so as to be able to discover some means of discerning quite what the void might be or even any means by which to approach discovering, let alone exploring, it. We are not even at the precipice of quite approaching these such things, unto discovery.

And that's just the way it is. Like as to say how near the first century civilizations were to the usage of cell phones: not even a blip on the radar. And that's still an analogy which falls far, far short of the actual disparity between what's presently known and what's constitutes our unknown unknown. 

The thing about that is, when you consider the matter in terms of what would be most important to pursue unto understanding: That which is utmost essential to understanding and benefitting our existence--considering past, present, and future reality--constitutes the most necessary (being the most fundamental matter conceivable, all things else must then be tangential) focus of any pursuit unto understanding. This, just to establish what could constitute a sufficient, as fundamental, grasp on even the most basic matters of reality--within which context all things else exist, thus from such understanding all else may arise--otherwise, we find ourselves lacking sufficient context as even to claim legitimacy for otherwise purportedly "established" understanding. 

Without absolute truth, a baseline from which knowledge can proceed, all things may only be known relative to one another. If that were the case, nothing could be absolutely known, but only proposed.  But if something--anything at all--can be absolutely known, then there are absolutes in this universe. And if there are absolutes, then they are the fundamental building blocks for understanding unto knowledge, wholly necessary to establishing any sound understanding. And things can be known. There is life. There are trees. All of reality is expressly patterned, reflective, reflexive, recursive, redundant, sufficient that principles in the physical aren't disjointed form principles of motion, then nor would they be disjointed from principles of reasoning. 

This universe is ordered. Extremely, incomprehensibly precisely ordered. Beyond chance, given what the odds are against it having come into being. It should have collapsed within less than a second of having come into existence, according to present understanding of physics. But it didn't. And so many things else which defy explanation and utterly defy chance. There is a Creator.

There is a God. One who did this. Who made this. 

There is One who designed and set all this in motion, so nothing else could be more absolutely vital and fundamental to comprehending the workings of this vast wonder, except seeking truth regarding Him and His purpose and intent.

But...we are, quite simply, utterly incapable of even beginning to approach an understanding of God.

Period.

Not according to our methods.

Not according to our ability to know things.

And especially not according to our innately endowed, available means of discovery.

For Him to create implies a separateness from creation. Holiness, in other words. Complete otherness. And wholly implies an absolute supremacy and exemption...a part, in some way incomprehensible, but apart also, in some way also incomprehensible. Surely, implicitly tangent, or otherwise the all would not and could not be. And yet somehow not tangible. Elusive from our finest grasp, as being other, as being tangent, as being exempt, as being so other and so supreme. 

But. All the things we study. 

All the things we, as a race...as a species...as a creature being...

...all those things we are seeking to know, and which we do have any amount of seeming legitimately established theoretical and applied understanding of, at this juncture (and all foreseeable)...

...they're not even an atom on a pinhead, in terms of what exists in God, given that the matter of His having created all this means that He simply just does exceed it to an extent which is beyond our ability to detect, for existing outside the scope of our ability to detect things. He's beyond our power, quite simple. Our theories and principles, describing the "laws" of this creation are, moreover, finite descriptions of the manners according to which He's ordered this creation to exist, those certain principles of operation which He set in place when ordering matter and function. Not even a snapshot, they're so bare a glimpse of the all. Huge for us, but nothing compared to Him. 

So each of those principles we've "discovered" and adapted, reinterpreted according to human terms--from our deepest and loftiest philosophies, to our most profound quantum realizations--are only interpretive, infinitesimal portraits of the majesty which He has evidenced per creation, itself.

And yet we prod, thusly? When the Creator, Himself, is the One who must--perforce the incomprehensible wonder implied by even remote witness as given per the lens of all and sundry scientific understandings, cumulative... ...He must be all the more worth pursuing unto discovery, no matter how impossible it may seem, just given that the evidences of the order which He has placed in all of creation display such fathomless power and wisdom as could only inspire abject awe and wonder...oh, to contemplate the reality of a Being so great as to have done all this!

To have created this all, though, it stands to reason that One who would do all this...surely would make some way to know Him. Since we can't manage it on our own terms, as He's so far beyond us, our own hope could be that He would pave a way for us to know Him. 

And, again, why would we want to know Him: He is evidenced in all things good and joyous and well-ordered and rightly functioning--a hopeful and inspiring point.

Even we who are so far fallen from Him as to have ever denied His truths--even we can see that tragedies, deaths, diseases, suffering...these are aberrant, they are somehow deviant, not a part of the glory evidenced otherwise in all of creation. That sense of wrongness in suffering witnessed, in widespread tragedy, in individual terror, in wars and injustices--that sense of wrongness only all the more clearly evidences that for such a revulsion and horror to arise, then there is and must be a rightness which does and had contrasted so boldly and clearly as to have even given contrast to such a strong, a visceral response.

Such a compulsion, revulsion, disdain of pain, suffering, terror drives unto a desire for rightness, health, happiness. So, if all of creation--that which is rightly ordered and recognized as well--testifies to the utmost goodness of the Creator, then what higher good could be found but to seek the One from whom and in whom all goodness has come and resides.

Yet, somehow, instead...we continue doing the equivalent of prodding the mud at our feet and around us with sticks. Rather than seeking One who was capable of creating all this--creation testifying to His existence and His goodness, and reason insisting that One so great must have also made some way...some way...to have be known by His creation--such power is obviously capable of even making itself known directly, distinctly, individually...

...but rather than tirelessly seeking for truth as He thus is and must fully possess then, of all things, we rather look to ourselves for answers.  

And we become mired just there. 

And our pursuits unto self-guided knowledge are then fixated on detection of distinctions. Which yield false differentiations. Whereas such differences beget divisions. While, likewise, perceived similarities yield false assumptions of sameness.

Such that innate, wordless, yet compelling desires for reconciliation with our source are perverted instead unto attempts to force conformity upon those around us--confounded beyond belief, we are.

As we aren't appealing to a higher power than ourselves, then we're not appealing to anything at all as an authority. But forcing, unnaturally. Creating disorder, yet attempting to name it order. But none of us are authorities over one another, in our own right (nor even over ourselves, honestly, given what the existence of God implies, in terms of the express/inherent nature of a Creator / created relationship). So, we only possess as much authority as has legitimately been bestowed (and as remains incorrupted, once having been bestowed--authority which has been corrupted by deviation from entrusted order has ceased being subject to the power which bestowed authority, thus no longer may legitimately claim proper authority per having broken the chain of command). Further, any source of authority can only bestow equivalent to such authority as is possessed. 

Doesn't seem as though there's a lot of wiggle room, then, when it comes to claiming authority. Either you have it, or you don't. And if a higher power comes along, then your authority is made wholly superfluous, if not just entirely usurped or utterly overwhelmed.

As far as corruption goes, though...we only need look to history (even recent and current events) to see evidences of what proceeds from corruption of authority. To be given it--to be bestowed with authority--means, moreover, one is entrusted with authority as to proceed in accordance with what the higher power deems right and necessary and good use of such power...being thus entrusted is being given the authority to explicitly act on behalf of the one in whom the authority truly rests. Exercising the power of the one in whom authority rests, those with authority can do many things--whatsoever the bestowing authority might undertake or accomplish would then be allowed, as on their behalf...as in the name of that presiding authority. 

So, if authority rests in the laws of the land, then those to whom authority of the law is entrusted are given such authority on good faith that they will act only in ways which perpetuate and perpetrate the letter of the law's intent and demands--acting in the spirit of the law. According to the law, then, legal personnel (lawyers, judges, police, and so on) act on the authority which the law both represents and constitutes and bestows. Law, itself, constitutes both a source of authority and a representation of the authority of higher powers (governments local and federal, international); but ultimately, all authority rests with whoever has most power, influence, supremacy, so it ultimately rests in and thus proceeds from the Highest Power...God. (I don't see anyone else who's created this universe, as it goes.) 

Consider what happens when personal "authority" is imposed in a way which in not in the spirit of the law, though: Judges are bestowed, especially, with a great deal of acknowledged, expected discriminatory authority, in terms of the interpretation of the law and thus its application. Mercy can be shown by them, so long as still in the spirit of the law. So long as they still proceed in a manner which accords with the spirit in which the law was given and in which it was intended, justice can be said to be done and upheld.

But given too personal an interpretation which relies more heavily on one's own understanding, rather than upon a studied, diligent interpretation of the law and of circumstances in a case...deviation from the spirit of the law may intrude in practice. Justice may become perverted.

And one very minor step at a time, such personal interjections as might have initially seemed absolutely inconsequential...gradually amount to a deviation so vast as to have equated to total revision of the law. Maybe bribes are accepted. Or maybe just a perhaps "well-meaning attempt at effecting change" is undertaken which actually equates to a total neglect of the law. Legislating from the bench is one phrase I've heard used to describe certain manifestations of that sort.

Problem is, it undermines the very source of authority--the fount from which it was bestowed and in which it actually rests and remains (regardless being broken, the law remains in place--disorder results as society breaks down when justice is perverted...but the law remains unchanged), and thus is order cumulatively disrupted. Because, ultimately, there are absolutes. And that means that there are certain things which simply, by nature of their very being...cannot be undermined, truly. Rather, deviation in any way from such an absolute instead constitutes a deviation, a breaking away, from right order. The nature of an absolute can only be what it is, after all--by definition, it doesn't and won't change. So, if a thing which claims to proceed from/align with an absolute (or source of authority) at any instance fails to align with whatsoever most basically constitutes the nature of said absolute, then deviation has occurred, unto disorder. The truth doesn't change, but those things which deviated become increasingly disordered as they traipse further and further from truth. 

It is, as Shakespeare said, "To be, or not to be...," as the two are not simultaneously possible for a matter of absolutes, then so it must follow (ultimately) for all which has foundation upon any absolute. Either it's in alignment, in subjection to truth. Or it's not. And if not, then there's disorder.

So, when or where any sort of differentiation exists, unless it is wholly without deviation from the source--unless without deviation from whatsoever absolute is foundational--disorder results and multiplies (this, in terms of differentiations which equate to a bestowing of authority along multiple functional orders which still align with a given absolute, but differentiate as a matter of multiplication of power--like with law being the fount of authority for diverse functional roles which yet vary significantly in duties/methods, while nonetheless retaining the very same source of authority).

Same with all things, ultimately. Which, again, is where consideration of necessary differentiation of function comes in, physiologically, whether regarding the human body or nations or a group of individuals who collectively consider themselves a church.

As with authority, the same principles apply regarding functional operations of all things: Wherever there is deviation from right order, disorder becomes increasingly manifest...compounding. And this yields so many different sorts of disease, even sometimes as severe disunity. Like with a severely diseased limb or organ, which either doesn't function or is harming the body...the entire system will suffer, even to such an extent that infection may overtake the whole body. Sometimes amputation is even necessary, just to keep the entire system from shutting down under the weight of burgeoning infection.

But even if infection or disease isn't severe enough to warrant amputation, still the whole body suffers and struggles from a lack of wellness in any constituent parts. Seriously suffers, such that over time...a life will be shortened, and other organs will begin to suffer and lack. One thing begets another, of disorder, disease, especially left untreated. Like with kidney failure, where the physical representation and carrier of life--the blood--becomes so infused with toxins it must be forcefully filtered by process of dialysis: one's own blood mechanically drained, filtered, and reintroduced, just to maintain life. 

And what sort of manifestations akin even to that process might be considered in terms of the church?

We lament sin as ultimately unavoidable given our innate inabilities, while simultaneously professing Christ's all-sufficiency. We peer down our noses over points of doctrinal difference and perceived errors in worship, seeking out faults in one another's faith, while preaching the reconciliation and forgiveness of Christ. It seems dichotomy, apparent contradiction...

And we despair of ourselves, or claim to. But do we? Do we despair of ourselves, truly--in context of who Jesus Christ is? Or do we do so only in terms of our own understanding, in reflection upon our own weakness?

When, oh, when...will we come to the end of ourselves? And just cry out to Him for deliverance?

We cannot accomplish the things we must. We are not capable. 

But He is. And He is willing. The grace we need just to survive the day is freely given in Him, and all spiritual blessings are ours, in Christ...

...but, yet, we live divided, complacent, comfortable lives?

When a world around us...is dying.

Dying. In sin.

For any one of us to have been shown such mercy and grace as even to have heard the name of Jesus Christ, let alone to have actually come to know Him, unto salvation...

...oh, but we are indebted at a rate beyond fathoming! The love we have received, the love we walk in...

...and would we hoard that?

Or only give of such a paltry, weak thing as finances and passing moments?

We must pray.

He...Christ...God...the Holy Spirit as He dwells with us...is capable of all things.

Beyond our reckoning. Beyond our ability to even begin to imagine.

And the world is perishing.

My brothers...oh, my sisters!

What are we doing, fighting amongst ourselves and arguing distinctions?

Can we not trust Him, to keep us and to line us out, so long as we stay near to Him and in His Word?

So, please. At least we must pray, at least we must just ceaselessly entreat Him that He glorify His name in all the earth, that His will be done on earth as it is in heaven--even through each of us. Oh, we must pray.

And read.

And love one another. Not looking at distinctions. But loving and edifying in Christ: speaking the truth in love, with love, lovingly. (Love)

There are a lot of things going on right now that are waaaaay above our pay grade. He gave us authority--yes, He did. He embued us with Power from on High, no less. His Spirit dwells in us! (Dwell on that for a while, yes. Is good--entirely overwhelming.)

And know this: it's every bit as much a conviction to me, as to say it, so this is said with a hanging head, begging forgiveness...

...but even though He dwells in us, and we are indeed co-heirs with Christ, even now...

...this does not make us God, nor make us like Him.

And our own understanding, applied to any matters which are His or which proceed as a matter under purview of His authority (i.e., everything)...well, yeah...that whole thing about legislating from the bench pretty much applies. Entirely, it does.

We are a mess, my friends. Even of those who truly, deeply love Him...on the whole, there seems much restraint from having given and continually giving all to Christ. Ardently. Unceasingly.

I continually hear talk of revival, though, of how much the world needs revival. Of how much the church needs revival. Even the blessed saints with whom I most frequently fellowship--wonderful, precious brethren whom the Lord has so inconceivably blessed me as to know--they pray often for revival.

So many times, though, I ask the Lord about this. When moments of ardency arise while appealing to Him, as with them emerges a sense of tension bearing desire for restraint of such evident passion, disrupting instances when appeals otherwise are upon a precipice, near becoming such wholehearted cries as are truly broken, wholly un-self-conscious appeals to Christ, thus comprised of naught but faith, belief, and desire for Him, such as He so requests of us and seems quite quick to fulfill...

...but, this...in so many places, so many ways.

And I ask Him. What, of this?

We ask for revival.

But again and again, this yet comes to mind:

Count the cost. 

It is ourselves.

Our comforts.

Our complacencies.

Everything.

And what we give, we are given. 

But not without a cross to bear.

All those things, with persecution.

Count the cost.

Do we want Him more than we want this world?

...more than we want these lives we've built for ourselves?

...more than a regular schedule?

...more than sleep?

...more than comfort?

I don't know what all there is entailed in whatever this is that's coming...whether there's anything other than more of the same, just further evidenced--further and deeper distractions, further decomposition of society, and more total delusion pervading the world.

It has gotten deep out there, whether you've noticed it or not. And if you haven't, that's serious reason to fear His omnipotence and sovereignty. Because, if you haven't noticed how deep and dark things are, you're operating under the delusion to some extent, most likely. Which we choose to do, and He allows us. So be terrified, knowing He's allowed you to slip into delusion...if that's what it will take to drive you to Him, then let it be so.

But know also that He does deliver, And perfect love casts out fear. 

He loves perfectly. His love is perfect. None of this madness of the world. Nothing of the wretchedness. Chaste, pure, all-consuming. Complete.

And we're to love as we are loved. And from what I hear, the darkness makes the light seem to shine all the more brightly, by contrast.

So, count the cost.

And know He's worth it, and so much more.

A million times over and still, He is. 

He is the one who paid

Birth of the King

Oh, bless His holy name!

Tonight, today, the remembrance of Christ's incarnation is celebrated.

Regardless prior customs of the season or any subsequent--all which preceded or which have followed only foreshadowed or mimic the truth of who He is and what He has done.

God, Himself, took on flesh. God came to walk amongst us.

Robed in flesh. Incarnate, humbled, walking meekly amongst His own creation, as one of us.
Fully God, come even as fully man.

We would not refrain from sin--from acting against Him, again and again. We would not turn from it, and still haven't. We have continually turned away from Him--from His love, from His provision...or, worse--toward those things which were given as provision, while turning simultaneously away from Him. By refusing to seek to know Him on His own terms, which is wholly right and due one who Created, we walked into darkness, even from childhood. We chose to turn away from truth, by refusing to seek to know and pursue His ways. Choosing not to walk according to His ways, we walk ever more deeply into whatsoever delusions we prefer. Choosing self over God, again and again, maims and mars and destroys us and everything around us.

But He saw this. Saw our sorry state. Our wretchedness, moreover--ever turning away from Him: Away from life. Away from truth. Away from love.

He set out to reconcile us to Himself--to make way that our hearts could come to love life again, to seek and desire truth again, and to find the only fulfillment possible...being turned to Him.

He robed Himself in flesh. He came down.

He walked amongst us.

Christ, Messiah, Ha-Mashiach. "The Anointed." The Chosen Servant of God. He who would redeem God's people from sin.

Called Immanuel--God with us.

He would be called also Comforter, Counselor, The Mighty God, Everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace.

Beloved. Son of God. Son of Man.

Yehoshua.
Yeshua.
Jesus.
"God will save, God will deliver His people."

He came.

God, in flesh. Even as a babe.
God, a babe.

Held in the arms of a young mother, with shepherds come as the first to kneel to this newborn King.

King of all Creation.

Creator of all which is.

Held in the arms of one whom He had created.

Born to save us.
Born to die for us.
And unto resurrection.

Now, eternally reigning.
Our kinsman redeemer.

He intercedes for us, ceaselessly, enthroned in Heaven. At the right hand of power, of His Father. Our Father, who art in Heaven. Whose Spirit dwells still among us, working salvation still, even as through His gospel...truly as through Christ, Himself.

He saves, He sanctifies.
He delivers.

And tonight...today...
...is a celebration of Jesus's birth. We celebrate His coming to dwell with us, to save us.

Peace on earth, indeed, through Him.
Goodwill to men--such grace had never been known!

Oh, praise Him!

The blessed King and Savior of all creation, eternal.
He reigns.

And He will return, at a day appointed.
There will be a day. And soon, though none know when.

So for now, we celebrate His incarnation. His birth.
Regardless what day it actually happened to be, His birth is commemorated and celebrated today.

So, all praises to Him!

Happy birthday, oh, most glorious King!

Various Thoughts on Unity and Joy: Ardent Pursuit as the Only Way

Another cautionary tale. I traipse blindly into error, then He draws me back.

This world and everything in it is so much struggling to exalt itself against a knowledge of Christ, a knowledge of God. In our Western culture, that moreso has taken the shape of a denial of spiritual reality, a denial of the existence of the so-called supernatural.

How long has the build-up on this attack been coming?...for centuries. Gradually undermining the truth of spiritual reality by first esteeming science as though it were somehow entirely separate from such considerations, unto a point as it now has come, where the possibility of scientific exploration of reality is religiously touted as the beginning and end of possible knowledge.

Years and years worth of build-up to this point, gradually stoking the ego of man unto whole-scale proclamation of himself as distinctly sovereign, per popular opinion. Then even going so far as to degrade even that self-image, as making all creatures seem akin to man.

So, first having taken eyes away from God, refuting man's obligation to God by replacing the knowledge of God with self-consumption...then, going so far as to attempt to even degrade the image of God in man, by making man into common animal. Esteeming all animals, in other words, as equal. When only man was created in the image of his Creator.

This isn't to say that animals aren't precious. Not at all.

But it is to say that man was given a special place in all of creation by God, Himself. Above animals.

And society is going so far in attempt to blaspheme and mock and denigrate the name of our Maker as to even degrade ourselves, as to do so. It does constitute a further maligning of His name to degrade His work, in ways. Despite that nothing can touch Him, honestly. We as much as fling grains of sand at distant galaxies (and have more impact upon those galaxies in so doing) as do any injustice to God by blaspheming Him.

It's ourselves we harm in blaspheming Him. And one another. And the planet.

We spite ourselves, one another, and creation by blaspheming God. He isn't changed nor marred by our "warfare" against Him, by our rebellion and loathing. But we are. We're destroyed by our turning away from Him.

One of the best examples I've heard of this was by Michael Ramsden, in terms of the futility of breaking God's laws, commandments, and precepts. As His moral laws are akin to the physical laws of nature, in terms of their constancy and effectiveness...then, just as the law of gravity stands, so do the moral commandments. So, consider what would happen if someone decided to break the law of gravity. They get to the top of a roof and step off the edge, intent upon proving they can break the law of gravity. Instead, they prove the law, while breaking themselves.

Physics is fairly simple. Explicitly principled. And even as there are so many, many, many different operant forces and laws which have been detected, effecting and controlling and restricting and ordering all the many ways of what all goes on in our universe...according to which things operate and interact, moreover...

...then rules of order are rules of order, and for each realm there are parallelisms, equivalent structures regarding rules of order and right operation which are operant and distinctly applicable to each differing sort of sphere of reality (physics, math, music, social order, morality, etc.).

And with there being parallel orders of operation, then the baseline function according to which they each operate within their own realms are consistent, as well.

Just as the law of gravity isn't broken in that instance, then neither is moral law broken. It's acted against, but the effect is a broken person, a broken society, a broken world.

And it's so utterly insidious, the way it manifests and just...creeps into every single corner of being and action and thought and word. It's really like a sickness. It is a spiritual disease, sin is. And the effect is so pervasive that it even manifests unto the physical...which order of operation as goes that process is yet beyond comprehension, and it need not be known except to know that it does occur.

Two things have been recent fixations:

Unity

Joy

All things resolve in Christ. So, any disunity or disease or discomfort or despair is in some fashion a result of separation from Him. This, even as individual manifestations of disease aren't necessarily a direct result of personal separation, so much as of the state of all the world. Which...really...for so much as disease infects and infests and destroys...it would seem as though we'd turn and repent, seek healing and help.

But, no. All the more, we turn to ourselves. Our own ways, our own wills.

But it's all about Him. And getting distracted from pursuit of Him yields to general decline.

It's just the way of things. Period. He's designed and ordered this universe and everyone in it. And it's the oddest thing, absolutely incomprehensible, that He's made it so that seeking and finding Him is the most fulfilling and joyous experience imaginable (far beyond imagination, really, and exceedingly progressively so). Beyond all comprehension, it's joy to know Him and to revel in knowing Him and fellowshipping with Him. Through suffering and through elation. Through all things, joy to know Him.

And He made it that way. He made us that way--we're fulfilled in Him. And nowhere else, truly, no matter what manner of delusion might periodically hold sway...all else is delusion and is finite. The joy found in coming to Him is fathomless.

A unification with Him, in Spirit, is all the joy of being full. Truly well. Beyond measure, even knowing there's ever more to relish, and always more to come. Incomprehensible.

I've been asking about the way of things, in terms of what it seems is necessary for me, compared to others. And aside of there being the whole deal that it's really not my business to know quite what He has for others, there is awareness that each of us do have distinct delineations along which He leads. Same Spirit, same Lord. Same transformation unto His image. But we each are distinctly created, thus distinctly shaped and led.

So, the things which are for me to do aren't the things for others to do, even as there are often overlaps with some of us...and there are definite overlaps with all of us who seek Him, in terms of our need of Him, our love for one another, and our ongoing need to be directed to Him, edified in Him, and fellowshipping with Him, even through one another. So, He directs and He interprets our speech, even one to another, unto edification in His love and truth and guidance.

Just, as with these particulars which apparently are necessary for me...they may or may not be quite the same as is necessary for you. The desired result of what pursuit is being endeavored is one we must surely share, though--to walk more closely with Christ, to know Him more deeply, and to have a greater revelation of His truth and Spirit, of Him. Whatever it takes, is the thing.

For me, it seems that's going to be finding places to worship with others on a daily basis. Whatever it takes. Wherever that takes me.

And, I'm very prayerfully acknowledging that this may even mean further instances of being compelled to flee, wailing with grief, from other places of worship to collapse in prayer in the parking lot, sobbing. I'm resigned to this as a possibility. And if it's the Lord's will that it would happen, anything similar or so, even...then I trust and know He'll guide and protect and impart speech as necessary in whatever such instance goes, as before.

It's a dread thought. Like a weight upon the heart, sorrow. But if there are places it's not His will I should go, then I won't. There've already been three I've looked into which weren't approved.

Just, whatever it takes. I've felt distant from Him, in particular ways, these past many months without constant church. He has sustained me...so graciously, beyond comprehension. And, yet, I long for more...I long to spend time in worship alongside brethren.

I long to more plainly speak with Him again, and things have been so cloudy. My vision has been so darkened by distractions.

Distractions as would entirely erase awareness of Him from me, if that were possible (by grace, it's not). There are still periodic and yet regular attempts to siderail from continuing with Him--so many insidious attempts to tempt me to turn slightly to the left or the right...still, the argument that it should be just fine to go and be a "normal Christian," and just work, live, and go to church on Sunday.

thing is...that's not Christianity.

Not really.

To know Him is to love Him or to despise Him. And with as meaningless as my life was, while I yet despised Him...for there to be any cooling of my affections equates to a loss of interest in life. That's not a tenable position for someone who was plagued by severe depression to rest or linger or even visit. Especially knowing the option of relishing life, for finding peace, hope, love, and joy in Christ.

It's really not a difficult decision, there. On the one hand, I could be utterly despondent, anxious, despairing, listless, discontent, apathetic, and morose...or...I can be encouraged, peaceful, hopeful, zealous for life (which is Christ), replete with love, compassionate, and joyful.

That's really...not a contest. So, while it may be an uphill battle from the outset, the knowledge that Christ will help in this is so very reassuring. I couldn't even want to draw nearer to Him, so as to be sustained and replenished continually, except that He gave me such a desire, to desire it. I wouldn't know to even need that, except that He allowed me the knowledge. And reassured the knowledge per experience which reinforces the truth of the matter. As to further feed the desire.

It only took a minor pang of discontent with the manner of things, before. And even that was borne of Him, seriously. But that pang of discontent, lifted up to God with yearning for satisfaction against the felt need...was sufficient a beginning.

December before last, it was only a moment of realization of how hard had my heart become--for one instant, I was given awareness of how cold, how unfeeling was my heart. And it shocked me into a sort of despair, realizing I'd become so cold, so unfeeling, so immovable...so lifeless...

...and in that despair, a cry arose within me for there to be a change, for my heart to be changed. And with every bit as much as could be mustered from that heart of stone, that desire was felt as a cry of remorse and longing for life and succor.

He's brought me so far, since then. Even bringing me to see how quickly and completely I'd fall into absolute error constantly, except that He keeps me. I'd just wallow in sin, still, except that He keeps me. And it's not even because I want it--I despair of it...

...I just have no strength, in myself, to refrain from falling.

He is my only strength.

And I'm continually still attempting to refrain from sinning by turning to my own understanding, devising schemes, attempting reasoning against sin, rationalizing ways away from it...even trying to think my way out of treading there. It's wretched. I'm wretched, still, in so many ways. And all the more humbled to realize it's only His grace that keeps me from being a complete and utter wreck unto all and every whom I encounter.

I've asked Him about it, though, as far as the strangeness that's currently on-trend in churches, regarding sin and refraining from sin (working unto holiness). And there's a lot of weirdness.

There's maybe only one pastor...maybe two...who are currently in practice on this side of eternity...

...who speak in any way sufficiently to these things.

Because it's not about reasoning our way out of these things. Possessing knowledge and understanding won't exalt some mystical barrier against sin.

Drawing nearer to Christ is the only thing. He's our refuge. He's our strength. He's the one who provides deliverance from temptation.

And part of the assault against Him on that front, waged against us who are His...

...is the attempt to get us to think that we shouldn't turn to Him more fully until we've somehow gained more a mastery over sins or until we've somehow managed to get to a point where we're not constantly floundering in the midst of temptations.

That is a lie straight from the devil.

It is in drawing nearer to Christ that we become able to refrain from falling into temptation. It is His Spirit at work within us which gives us the strength to refrain from giving in. It is His abiding presence which makes sin less and less desirable and more and more deplorable...as we move further and further into a deeper and vaster awareness of His presence...step by step closer, nearer, deeper with Him...draws us further and further out of sin.

And I falter. And I suppose we all do and will, maybe, until that day of total deliverance. But I don't know if it has to be that way.

Because there's definitely a duplicity in saying that we're now dead to sin, we are to walk as Christ walks...while also saying that we will continue sinning until we die or are taken to be with Christ.

And it all has to be taken into account also alongside John's thought about how no one who says they are without sin knows God. ..although the interpretation I have many times recently heard, in terms of justifying the continuation of sin, as considering those who don't continue to sin in some fashion to be in denial rather than actually having become master over sin through the power of Christ within them, working in all their members.

I don't know that using a verse to justify continuing in sin is a good or right thing. I understand the fear surrounding that bit, though--on the one hand, if we're supposed to really walk as Jesus did...without sin...pure...and we're not even attempting because we don't believe it's possible...then that's a major point of fearful conviction. But, on the other hand, if we would actually believe it's possible to reach a point of walking so closely with Christ as to be delivered from all sin...then, are we only deceived for thinking such a thing is desirable in this lifetime, when sin abounds all around us and it's clearly impossible to master sin in one's own strength?

A phrase I heard in one of this past Sunday's sermons really struck me, as it touched so searingly upon these struggles of mine, of late...

"We just have to figure out a way to..."

*sigh*

Yeah. No.

If that's all it took, we'd all be saints and prophets. We'd all be completely holy, yesterday.
We're just not capable of doing the work of God. And sanctification is His work in us.
Faith is His work in us. So, holiness is utterly His domain. And our walk in grace, unto others...all the same.

We want to be able to do all these things ourselves, because that's the nature of the flesh--to do what it wants, when it wants, according to the ways it thinks are right and good and necessary and justifiable and timely. The flesh makes no place for God, having been corrupted.

It must continually be brought into subjection to Christ, then. And only He can do that work, even. We can't subjugate ourselves unto Him, because our own understanding is exalted against Him until He changes it from being so...and at the point of it having been changed, then increasingly it's changed unto a total subjection unto His will, which increasingly realizes self-directed effort is futile.

Which means...

...petition to Christ is constantly required.
...and waiting patiently upon Him is part of the process of progress, continually.

In other words:

We have to move ever closer into a state of constant fellowship with Him, consciously communing with His Spirit in thought and deed, seeking His will in all things, seeking all things of self be brought into subjection to His will and ways, to His glory.
And all the while, in all of this, it's only by His will that it can happen.

We're just not capable.

We can't.

Everything in us is against Him.
Except that He bring it into submission.
Which He does.
And will.
Because He loves.
And He's good.
And answers those who seek and continue to seek...knock and continue to knock...ask and continue to ask.

He will do as He has said He will do. And sanctification of the saints is one of the many things which He's said He'll do.

I'm just personally being shown that it's not a matter of my own effort. I can go and do this, that, and all sundry, and unless it's His will for progress...then, it'll just be continuation of a seeking for Him, in one way unto another, until the level of desperation so deepens as to make all else just utterly fall into shadow. And that's more or less where I'm at again now.

Which means daily church. And potential major humiliation again, as part of that course.
Which--again--so be it, if it's His will.

I don't even care. It doesn't matter.
Just, I can't live like this any more...this sense of distance from Him. This sense of having compromised, being distracted by so many worldly things again which just leave me feeling utterly icky and ill and empty and uncomfortable. Unnecessary conversations which don't entirely revolve around Christ nor, at the very least, around loving others...but, instead, are empty, void of meaning.

To switch back, again:

There is a constant choice to be made between exalting Christ and indulging self. Only, of the latter...it's a fleshly indulgence. Because, ultimately, exalting Christ is such that...He blesses us with joy and all manner of goodness as we are near Him. So...in exalting Him, we end up also being drawn into His joy, which is a greater good than any fleshly indulgence could even begin to approach.

But the flesh continually has to be overcome by His Spirit, so to come to a point of even desiring His nearness. His presence becomes uncomfortable, is fleshly indulgence is oft preferred. His presence becomes discomfiting, readily turned from and spurned.

I know, for having once done so continually. Spurning Him, because it was more desirable to give into random, wanton distractions--whether spending hours poring over needless, mindless drivel online or reading nonsensical, pointless novels without end, so to quell the otherwise disquiet in my soul, arisen for having rejected Christ's presence. In any case, though, turning to other things which aren't needful, edifying, loving, uplifting, true, hopeful, joyous, and of good report...equated to a turning away from Him. An indulgence in the flesh.

Quelling His Spirit. Grieving Him, even, at times.

And when His Spirit is spurned, the joy of His fellowship is also turned away from. The peace of His companionship is rejected.

In favor of indulgence of "natural" inclinations.

Habitual, most usually.

He can break the habit, though. If we want Him to, make it known.

The joy of His fellowship, though...

...if we aren't fellowshipping with Him, then how would we expect to know His joy?

It's something of familiarity and presence. Intimacy. Not fleeting glances. Lingering communion, borne of true desire for worship and obedience. Which, even then, only comes from deep pursuit, intimate exchange. Fellowship which is regular and abiding.

Unity of spirit.

Not passing.

Purposeful. And intentionally perpetual.

These are the things He's shown me.

And it's still a matter of the fact that I'm not even capable of keeping myself there. I can't force myself to maintain that purposeful, perpetual fellowship with Him, consciously as is necessary. I'm just not capable. The breeze distracts me. The passing of time distracts me. Constant assaults upon my thought-life distracts me continually.

But He keeps me, otherwise I'd not still be here at all. With as prone to wander as I am, I'd have long been gone from pursuit of Him, if He weren't keeping me. And it's a sad state of affairs to have to admit to, but it's the truth. I have no constancy in my flesh. I have no commitment. I have no motivation. I have no ability to maintain. I am prone to wander and to completely disintegrate at the drop of a hat.

But He keeps me.

He's kept me through all the difficulties of the last year. Through complete uncertainty of finances, living arrangements, and transportation. Through the loss of all of my friends, as a result of claiming Christ.  Through my family's rejection, as a result of zeal for Christ yielding refusal to ignore or continue in sin. Through the death of my grandmother and others. Through the assaults from within and without--sickness, uncertainty, weakness, and fear. Through my own failures, inconsistencies, and faithlessness. He has kept me.

I forget, sometimes, that I have lost everything to Him. Because of Him.

For Him.

Let it all be gone. Even what He's given me, now. If it means more to know Him, more deeply to fellowship with Him. More clearly and truly and deeply to know Him.

There's nothing else of worth. All else is empty, compared.

I would have Christ and nothing else, if the choice must again be made.
And, having Him, I have all.

There is nothing else.

So, in terms of what goes on, right now...in the church...

...we need to pray. Beseech Him, that He will again unify us in love.
To Him, through Him to one another.

He is first.
If we are not ardently seeking Him, we will find no other truth or sustenance, no other lasting substance or consistency.

There is no other tie to bind.

So, if we aren't seeking Him ardently, in whatsoever way He gives unto each of us, we won't come into His peace more fully, more fully reveling in His love and joy. And we won't and cannot come to know peace and unity with one another, as His body.

Not just interdenominationally, my friends. Intra.

Because the body is made up of many parts.

And, honestly, I know I'd called some things as akin to witchcraft a few months ago...but, honestly, I really don't know. He knows, and right now...matters of the heart, in terms of whether there's truly seeking subjection to Christ or exaltation of one's own will...

...that's too deep and vital a point for such a summary assessment to even begin to take into account.

There are those who aren't seeking His will out of love and obedience. But, then, which of us seeks His will perfectly, loves Him completely as He deserves?

So, yeah.

I don't know.

There's a root of truth from which each such movement spawned. We are to rely upon His word as wholly true. We are to know He does fulfill His word. Period. And if we walk in such faith as to truly be gifted to believe for all things which He spoke, individually and collectively...then, that's a blessing and not to be taken lightly.

Just...again--where is the heart? Is it spent on self-aggrandizement or on glorifying God?

And...again...

...only He truly knows the state of a heart. I could sit and tally presumed proof as "fruits" all day, but unless He specifically reveals something...all I'm doing is counting atoms. To what end?

I've been so caught up in that, again and again. Out of fear and desire for self-preservation, mostly. Fear of falling prey. Terror of having been deluded so deeply. Fear of falling back into error.

But He's the one who keeps me. I don't keep myself.

So, no matter how tall the walls I might build between myself and whatever else--people, doctrine, practices, whatsoever else...

...unless He build the wall, I labor in vain. It'll fall as easily as it was erected, and I could just as easily slip and ever I have. Without ability to prevent myself.

It's all Him.

All the more reason it's a matter for absolute rejoicing, that He's trustworthy, faithful, and good!
Because it's just the same for each of us. He keeps us. He delivers us. He teaches us. He sanctifies us. He draws us near to Himself. And He keeps us there.

There is no other hope. No matter how well we might construct our arguments, reason our logic, rationalize our strategies. No matter how well we might study all the ways of all the ages. We have no hope, in ourselves, and it's all just empty practice. He, alone, keeps us and delivers us. Even as He may and does use various means by which to do so.

Which, again...for me...is going to apparently mean going to all the three million churches (exaggeration, yes). Constantly. Apparently. I'm still praying about it, because He'll have to manage and direct the process, too, otherwise it won't even happen. It just needs to. Or something does. And that seems it.

But I'm going to trust Him to empower me to maintain the conviction and motivation to proceed. He has been doing so. He will continue.

Whatever your equivalent practice is, as goes pursuit of Him...pray that He will give you strength to pursue Him all the more ardently. He, alone, is our refuge and our strength. He will teach You, according to His word...according to Scripture...by His Spirit. Seek Him. Pray that He will give you will and strength and direction, as to do so. He will.

The Lord bless you and keep you.

Various thoughts, incomplete. Just so to speak for a moment.

I have been praying about when to come back here, again.

There've been a number of battles, lately. And the worst of them will continue through this lifetime, perhaps. Just as goes life in the flesh, when walking according to the Spirit.

The Lord has been so good. He is so faithful. Far beyond anything which would ever even begin to be captured in mere words. Praise so heartfelt and broad can only ever be begun, never culminated...only ever approached, never wholly attained--an ever escalating crescendo, only becoming all the more beautiful and heart-wrenchingly sincere as time proceeds...ever straining unto greater heights, with each escalation, every seeming peak, more pristine than the last.

Even as the valleys have changed, for having His hand all the while--no matter how consciously.

That's been part of it, is all--sometimes sight wanes dim.

And sometimes...as such surrounding darkness seeks to be so thick as to prevent even breathing, it's better to desperately and silently praise the One who is true than to broadly and loudly proclaim truths which echo cavernously in the midst of all manners of chaos erstwhile attempting to hold sway.

Better it seemed to simply rest silently, solemnly in Him than to go grasping in all directions for what would purport to be solidity.

I'm not in much a mind to elaborate on that, perhaps.

Except just to say that He is my Rock. He is my unwavering Foundation. And upon this Rock I will ever stand--not because I'm somehow strong and capable of maintaining unwavering hold of Him, but because He will not let go (oh, what blessed relief, to know!).

Recent storms have raged so wildly even as to make true remembrance of the sun fade into a distant-seeming fable. But the strength of my Foundation did not shake. So, rather than screaming into the raging storm, this time, I've been resting quietly, if timidly, upon my Rock, my sure Foundation--seeking His will, seeking His guidance and His reassuring presence (which blessedly never wavered!...oh, what grace!) all the while. Even in silence.

This world is absolutely insane, is the long and short of things. I know, in part, for having once been a part of it--but all the more, now, for seeing the real nature of what all signifies as "truth" in the midst of such cavernous a spiraling descent which seems...rapidly accelerating, even now?, in this culture.

It seems, sometimes, as though things have drastically changed in recent decades. But, then, have they really? Or has it just become much more apparent, in very recent times, of the state of things, as divided. Maybe that's all--the division between God and unrepentant man has become, again, very pronounced.

But even then...there are only brief intervals recorded where righteousness was given heed by any group. Always, then falling away into idoltry, again--turning readily away from God, unto self. Again and again.

There are so many things, right now. And it really is just the same story all over again. Again and again. He draws, He blesses, we become preoccupied with the blessings, we begin to long for the blessings rather than God, we turn to our own ability to provide for ourselves such blessings, we turn away from Him in doing so. And darkness falls, and He is despised, and man is exalted by himself...and our doing so wreaks havoc upon the earth, upon ourselves, upon our societies and children. And the torment and unrest, the disease and death and war and ecological and meteorological and geological destruction which results from sin...wreaks further havoc upon and within us. And eventually, He turns some remnant back to Himself. For His own name's sake.

Because He is God. And He reigns, regardless whether we worship or despise Him. We can't dethrone Him. There's not even an apt simile to bring to bear on the idea of that, as it's so far beyond comprehension to consider...He exceeds us so absolutely that it's beyond any measure, to contemplate.

So it's of no point (except one's own destruction, really, if you favor falling prey to temptation) to dwell on any of the things, overmuch, regarding the declension of society.

The long and short of it all is that God is sovereign. His will is done, regardless who and what rages against Him--no matter how vociferously or boldly. He can't be diminished in one whit. Period.

The nature of all which rages mindlessly against Him is just that--mindless rage (literally, as it goes against the truth of reason to argue against existence of God, given the nature and fact of all creation, so thus also goes against any amount of logical reason to rage against a being so powerful as to manifest such wondrous example of His power in and around and even, at times, through even us). And it has been so, since sin came into this world. Thus, "mindless rage" isn't any type of name-calling, in this instance--it's is a case of words meaning quite what they most plainly represent.

So, it's of no course to dwell too long on matters which really only stand as evidence of illogical, unreasonable mass actions...or trends, moreover...except, again, perhaps as only to reflect upon His sovereignty in realizing it's only by sheer grace that any of us are drawn to Him, into salvation.

Seeing the insanity of the world, though, should serve as clear reinforcement of how dire is our need to seek Jesus with utmost ardency in the midst of such violent opposition to Him, all around us. That just is the nature of the world. Period. Agelessly so, on that count. And we were all the same, until He changed us--we weren't even necessarily continually or perhaps consciously aware of our opposition to God, so much as a desire to do things according to our own understanding and resenting anything which called that into question, perhaps. Or, each of us from our own place, but yet opposed. Until He changed our hearts, allowing us to the see the absolute brilliance of the beauty of who He is, and begin to experience the joyous warmth and peace of such love as is His. Beyond all prior expectation or ability to believe, and so much further, even now.

One particularly dire temptation, though, which I've somewhat fallen into lately...

Any idea of there being a period of "rest" from completely ardent pursuit of Him...is entirely false. He sustains the strength to continue seeking with utmost fervor. He supplies the desire to do so. He supplies the means. He is the will and the way, unto Himself. So, to be taken with the idea that it's possible to sit back and just let things be for a while? Seriously. That apparently only lulls into a sense of complacency which results in faltering to further temptation.

In a sense...loosely...it's the way of the so-called deadly sin of acedia--otherwise, in more recent decades/centuries, known as sloth. Initially and primarily, acedia was intended to describe a spiritual laziness, which then yields to a more general apathy unto laziness in all aspects of life...losing interest in God, then losing a sense of meaning in life, unto all things. So, what begins as a cooling of zeal in pursuit of the Lord then results in all manner of cumulative despondencies--even unto general and utter despondency and despair of life.

Thus, it really is a deadly sin. Very deadly.

And it seems to be my deepest struggle. Maybe the same for all of us, to differing degrees?

Sometimes it seems as though the sins which most controlled and defined my life before being freed by Christ are the ones which most doggedly pursue after me, now, attempting to get me to falter. And one of the direst ones, before, was my despair of life. Unto multiple suicide attempts. Again and again. Different chemicals. Numerous times. And I know it's only by the Lord's intervention that I'm still alive. He directly intervened the first time I attempted, in a way that was memorable and undeniable. And I know it's been the same since, in different ways.

The thing is, though, except for knowing the Lord, now...I would still despair of life. Because there's no meaning apart from Him, ultimately. There's not absolute meaning, except that God is realized and acknowledged, and to acknowledge His existence means to acknowledge His power...and His supremacy. And to realize that all meaning rests in Him, in who He is. Because He is sovereign, because He is the absolute of all absolutes--which couldn't even exist, except that He does...same as with all things...

So, realizing that...has some serious implications.

Given who Christ is, most especially. If He hadn't claimed to be God and backed it up with a life which attested to the truth of His claim...even through death and resurrection...then it could be possible to pass off the implicit requirements of what the true, abiding, pervasive, sovereign existence of God means. But Christ legitimized the entire Hebraic record of God's intervention in earthly affairs. As God come robed in flesh, no less. He legitimized His own prior self-revelations unto man. And His words have some entirely explicit matters contained therein which bear deeply upon each and every one who is ever given breath of life.

Whereas I could find no ultimate meaning in life, apart from God...because, ultimately, I constantly found myself buffeted by circumstances...constantly found myself incapable of remaining impassive and unyielding and unmoved and wholly consistent within myself, as circumstances continually proved I was incapable of such unwavering objectivity as was perceived required in order to maintain a semblance of meaning in anything I had attributed meaning to...

...in other words, apart from God, the only meaning possible in any given thing (family, friends, love, life, happiness) was meaning attributed but not inherent. Inherent meaning was only possible if there was an inherent purpose to each and every aspect of life and society which represented an inherent meaning...and purpose can only follow if there's intention behind a form, behind a situation, behind an object, behind a grouping. If things happened randomly to work out the way they did, as far as family groupings go, societal workings, personal aspirations...without there being an intentional, reasoned design behind their existence...then the only "meaning" possible would have to be deduced according to post facto reasoning, thus not at all inherent but merely ascribed.

(If a tree falls in the forest, does it make a sound?: If no one capable of remark happened to be listening, then why would it matter?)

So, yeah. Without God, there's no meaning. And there is meaning, is the thing. Otherwise things wouldn't be the way they are, in so many ways. People wouldn't protect the weak, have pity on the struggling, care for those in need.

But trying to have meaning apart from God...it just doesn't work. Ultimately, the only point of reference you're left with is self. Even if you call it other people, it's still self--you're just projecting your view of their needs in such a way as to make it a "worthy" cause. It's still just self, no matter how beautiful it sometimes works out...not matter how giving and sometimes heartfelt. Still, self is the only reference.

And self isn't sufficient, in context of the reality of God's existence. Self isn't sufficient in context of even the sheer unknowability of the world, let alone having forsaken reverence of God.

Time and time again, circumstances proved that to me, bringing me to a point of absolute incapacity, emotionally and mentally. Physically and socially. Financially. In all ways. One of my mottos was, "if I put my mind to it, I can do anything." And the few things I decided to do, I did...at all costs. And the cost was well-being.

Not everyone is broken in that way, though. A lot of people seem to manage not to be completely overwhelmed by circumstances with any regularity. By grace, my life fell apart on the regular. I had no choice but to acknowledge the fact that I don't control even my own small portion of the world. Not even my ability to manage time. Period. Because things happen. Things come up, out of nowhere. Tragedies. Emergencies. Sometimes miraculous blessings.

But all...constantly, time and again...one thing after another, proof that I couldn't utterly control even any minor aspect of life, in truth. So, even searching for meaning in my own ability to reason and feel and aspire to well-being...and joy in camaraderie...was undone, again and again, as I was continually overwhelmed by circumstances and left adrift on a sea of despondency, for all the more having found myself incapable of maintaining without wavering a sense of meaning and consistency in belief.

Until coming to know God. In Christ. He gave meaning to all things, and all meaning is complete in Him.

So, knowing Christ...fellowshipping with Him...constantly...

...is an ever-present reminder that there's far more to everything than meets the eye. So, while even prayer might not seem constantly and immediately productive (given that as things were before, lack of constant or regular notable "progress" as whatsoever the then-current standard of reason was at a given juncture of expression)...rather than being fooled by that faulty reasoning, now I rest in who Christ is and I can continually know that all the "progress" and meaning which can be sought and realized both originates with and resolves in Him. So, prayer is always fruitful, then--for having been a moment given to Him. As, even to seek to know Him more deeply, understand Him more broadly (endless pursuit, yes), and to walk more closely to Him...is everything, in terms of a meaningful life.

Because all meaning rests in Him. And the fact of His existence as who He is means that, given His revelation, I am obligated to seek Him. Because He said that's what I'm to do. He said we're all to seek Him. And if God says that's what I'm supposed to do, then the world can do what it will, but He's superior...and I've got to obey Him, rather than all the madness constantly swirling around me.

A thought, on His ways:

One thing I learned from time before, convoluted as all things were:

Minor, seemingly insignificant details can snowball into major effects. Given time. Given continuation.

For that to be the case, on even so infinitesimal a level of impact as any single life could represent--whereas, even an individual's mere attitudes (individually and/or collectively) can influence their situation and those around them without necessarily even being consciously intended--then, how much greater is the impact for each and every aspect of what God's will is, as it's expressly represented through each one of us who are His children...given that the process of His manifest will done through us is ongoing, as not restricted to an individual but given to the entirety of His body, through Christ, as manifest in His church?

The most minor of matters--seeming insignificant to us--do surely constitute working points along the broad, seamless, and incomprehensible tapestry He has woven (is weaving), is all. Every prayer, ever working in us, even.

Think of it this way:

One "public initiative" that received a mild to moderate amount of publicity a few years ago (still, ripples of it continue) was the "smile at a stranger, you never know whose day you'll completely transform for the better by just smiling"-stint. And I call this a stint not because it lacks legitimacy in concept but because it lacks legitimacy in ultimate premise.

The desire is right and good: help others...love others.
And the effect is one which can be noted. It can and does make a difference to treat others well...in many ways.

However, without reference first to God...and then to others...it entirely lacks lasting substance.

So, do it, but at least pray while you do so. That the Lord might make way for saving grace also, in addition to a momentary uplift. Love, but also truly love.

Which is wherein my present dilemma rests.

I ask Him again and again about the seeming countless number who are perishing. I despair over the sheer breadth, the incomprehensibly vast sea of the lost.

...and in so doing, forget that He cares far more than I ever could.

He died that they might have life.

He would that none should perish.

Yet, time and again...I ask. And, it's something of "they may have what they will/wish/want." And again and again, interacting, I'm taken entirely aback by the force of rejection of Christ.

Forgetting so often how much I once despised Him, really. I forget how I mocked Him, too. I forget that I wanted nothing to do with Him. I forget so easily that...I didn't choose Him. He drew me.

Why He allows so many to remain utterly opposed to Him...He knows. And if the heartbreak that thought brings to me is any indication...how it must pain Him, all the more deeply, is incomprehensible and utterly greater reason for grief.

Just...there's something there, though. I don't understand it. As for each of us, His will is sovereign. He created me for this--to be who I am. To come to Him. To find peace in nothing else, to be dissatisfied with all things else, and yet to long for satisfaction so as to continue to seek, even unto Him.

And so weak. Such that it seems there's need for near constant church attendance just to maintain some semblance of "normal" function. I've tried for months now all manner of combination of devotion, reading, prayer, worship, fellowship, and the like...both entirely private and with at least one other person...for varying numbers of hours per day. And it's just not sufficient. I could (/have) spent four/five hours (who was counting?...I'm really not sure how many hours, honestly...just to start and then eventually to do other things) in such things, daily, and still find myself incapable of maintaining motivation sufficient unto relishing life. It is not enough.

And so...

...there are multiple things which He's helping me with, in terms of this present realization. The couple which can be shared are as follows:

(Not His words, my reinterpretation:) I have been a complete jerk, in terms of tendency for judgmentalism. This was kind of covered in some of the more recent posts. And...maybe it's a growth phase, in terms of coming to maturity--gaining discernment but while still relying too much on the understanding which comes by the flesh, rather than the Spirit, such that things which are "there's something off, there" quickly escalate to "they're all witches!, run away!"out of a vestigial impulse to self-protect, mixed in with a hearty dose of "zeal without knowledge" desire to help others. And it all comes out really wonky, seriously astringent as wholesale denouncements of whatsoever the "thing" is that's a bit "off."

Thing is...there are people who are part of the extreme fringes of any given ideology who have gone so far from center as to have completely lost touch with truth, and for and of those...yeah...

...name recognition isn't sufficient reason to fail to test all things against Scripture (as revealed by the Holy Spirit).

But even then, there are outlines for how we are supposed to proceed. And public denouncements aren't the first course, in any event. Privately, one-to-one. Then, privately, small group-to-one. And only then publicly, if sin continues.

So, I've erred a couple times on that count, although it stands that the process of learning continues...so, but for grace, there could be other faltering.

On this same point...

...these points of "discipline" or "restoration of a brother" don't apply to people who aren't part of the church.

...and off-shoot of which, within this same line, is that it's not my place to determine between saved and unsaved. If someone claims Christ, then well enough--love them, edify them as a brother in the Lord, and always share the Gospel so as to edify then and self in so doing. If they claim Him but display no "apparent" manifestation of growth in sanctification according to the work of the Holy Spirit in all who have been regenerate...then--love them, edify them as a brother in the Lord, and always share the Gospel so as to edify then and self in so doing.

Either way, same difference. And either way, there's still need to obey the Lord rather than man, in terms of being restrained by His Spirit against grieving Him. We are all at different points along different callings according to which He has foreordained us to walk, and so others may have freedom to do things which I don't, and vice-versa, and that's just fine...and not a point for contention.

The only points which the original apostles bound were that there's to be no eating of meat sacrificed to idols, no drinking blood, and no fornication. These...in addition to the leading of the Holy Spirit, which according to Paul causes us to walk in God's law, regardless, so to keep the commandments which were given by Him in ages past. But even then...as Christ said, the whole of the law and the prophets were to love God with everything you are and love others as yourself (prefer them, moreover--loving them as He loved us, giving Himself as sacrifice so that we could be saved).

So, yeah. Love God absolutely, completely. Love others. All others.

In terms of the judging of things...was it not a warning, of sorts, in terms of testing spirits so as not to be deceived? And not an admonition against loving and serving, still. Truly not a call to embittered departures, but one necessitating a choice between the ways of God and the ways of man when purporting to be the ways of God?

We're not supposed to pretend things aren't false, if they are false. But that doesn't mean we can perpetrate our own version of flipping tables in the temple, either. Especially if we haven't so come to love those whom we would rebuke as to continually weep before God on their behalf, entreating Him for their salvation. As this, then there is such a thing as tough love. But toughness without an even deeper love isn't something of God, but of man...from what experience has shown, thus far.

Either way, point being...having a sufficiently strong walk with Him frees a person from being constantly and easily prey to absolutely every false teaching that's encountered. And this isn't because a person is stronger. No, it's because a person is all the more dependent upon Christ--consciously dependent upon Him, as taking every thought all the more subject to Him, with increasingly fewer lapses in so doing. It's not a matter of trusting in one's ability to refrain from temptation. It's not a matter of feeling strong against the temptation.

It's a matter of knowing oneself incapable while increasingly trusting in and relying upon Christ for all sufficiency, moment by moment. But...that's freeing. Because it's no longer a matter of attempting to rationalize strategies against faltering, for having come to realize they all fall short. And they are inherently flawed, having even attempted to be reasoned as even addition to Christ's provision of sanctuary.

So, discernment is increased in terms of an increasingly complete reliance upon Christ for all things, minute by minute. Which...is where a vast distinction comes in, again, in terms of what "judging them by their fruits" means. We are to be wary. But we're not capable of discerning, in our own strength. He must reveal.

There are so many fine points. And it all comes back to Him.

Either He leads us or we falter. Period.

We can't manage to get along if we rely on our own understanding, no matter how knowledgeable we might think ourselves...no matter how long we've studied or even prayed. It's constant reliance. Constant awareness of the desperate need of Him.

And He gives even that.

And, as James said...we have not because we ask not. And what we do ask, we ask so to sate our own fleshly desires...and so, don't receive.

It's all Him. We're mired. So, so....soooooo mired. Everything around us and even within us...would turn us away from Christ, in less than a second, except that He holds us up.

So, fear is unreasonable. Anxiety is unreasonable. Reluctance is unreasonable. Resistance is unreasonable. Rage is unreasonable.

He's sovereign. He's God.
We're subject to Him. We're created.

Whether we like it or not, that's just the way it is. There's no alternative. And it will be faced, one day or another. Here or hereafter.

Far better here, to know His love. To be changed by Him, while He can be found. Before we pass into eternity forever marred by the darkness of our own wayward, despicable deeds against Him.

Too tired. Need sleep.

Hopefully soon, again. Life has been odd.
The Lord keep you and bless you.