I have been praying about when to come back here, again.
There've been a number of battles, lately. And the worst of them will continue through this lifetime, perhaps. Just as goes life in the flesh, when walking according to the Spirit.
The Lord has been so good. He is so faithful. Far beyond anything which would ever even begin to be captured in mere words. Praise so heartfelt and broad can only ever be begun, never culminated...only ever approached, never wholly attained--an ever escalating crescendo, only becoming all the more beautiful and heart-wrenchingly sincere as time proceeds...ever straining unto greater heights, with each escalation, every seeming peak, more pristine than the last.
Even as the valleys have changed, for having His hand all the while--no matter how consciously.
That's been part of it, is all--sometimes sight wanes dim.
And sometimes...as such surrounding darkness seeks to be so thick as to prevent even breathing, it's better to desperately and silently praise the One who is true than to broadly and loudly proclaim truths which echo cavernously in the midst of all manners of chaos erstwhile attempting to hold sway.
Better it seemed to simply rest silently, solemnly in Him than to go grasping in all directions for what would purport to be solidity.
I'm not in much a mind to elaborate on that, perhaps.
Except just to say that He is my Rock. He is my unwavering Foundation. And upon this Rock I will ever stand--not because I'm somehow strong and capable of maintaining unwavering hold of Him, but because He will not let go (oh, what blessed relief, to know!).
Recent storms have raged so wildly even as to make true remembrance of the sun fade into a distant-seeming fable. But the strength of my Foundation did not shake. So, rather than screaming into the raging storm, this time, I've been resting quietly, if timidly, upon my Rock, my sure Foundation--seeking His will, seeking His guidance and His reassuring presence (which blessedly never wavered!...oh, what grace!) all the while. Even in silence.
This world is absolutely insane, is the long and short of things. I know, in part, for having once been a part of it--but all the more, now, for seeing the real nature of what all signifies as "truth" in the midst of such cavernous a spiraling descent which seems...rapidly accelerating, even now?, in this culture.
It seems, sometimes, as though things have drastically changed in recent decades. But, then, have they really? Or has it just become much more apparent, in very recent times, of the state of things, as divided. Maybe that's all--the division between God and unrepentant man has become, again, very pronounced.
But even then...there are only brief intervals recorded where righteousness was given heed by any group. Always, then falling away into idoltry, again--turning readily away from God, unto self. Again and again.
There are so many things, right now. And it really is just the same story all over again. Again and again. He draws, He blesses, we become preoccupied with the blessings, we begin to long for the blessings rather than God, we turn to our own ability to provide for ourselves such blessings, we turn away from Him in doing so. And darkness falls, and He is despised, and man is exalted by himself...and our doing so wreaks havoc upon the earth, upon ourselves, upon our societies and children. And the torment and unrest, the disease and death and war and ecological and meteorological and geological destruction which results from sin...wreaks further havoc upon and within us. And eventually, He turns some remnant back to Himself. For His own name's sake.
Because He is God. And He reigns, regardless whether we worship or despise Him. We can't dethrone Him. There's not even an apt simile to bring to bear on the idea of that, as it's so far beyond comprehension to consider...He exceeds us so absolutely that it's beyond any measure, to contemplate.
So it's of no point (except one's own destruction, really, if you favor falling prey to temptation) to dwell on any of the things, overmuch, regarding the declension of society.
The long and short of it all is that God is sovereign. His will is done, regardless who and what rages against Him--no matter how vociferously or boldly. He can't be diminished in one whit. Period.
The nature of all which rages mindlessly against Him is just that--mindless rage (literally, as it goes against the truth of reason to argue against existence of God, given the nature and fact of all creation, so thus also goes against any amount of logical reason to rage against a being so powerful as to manifest such wondrous example of His power in and around and even, at times, through even us). And it has been so, since sin came into this world. Thus, "mindless rage" isn't any type of name-calling, in this instance--it's is a case of words meaning quite what they most plainly represent.
So, it's of no course to dwell too long on matters which really only stand as evidence of illogical, unreasonable mass actions...or trends, moreover...except, again, perhaps as only to reflect upon His sovereignty in realizing it's only by sheer grace that any of us are drawn to Him, into salvation.
Seeing the insanity of the world, though, should serve as clear reinforcement of how dire is our need to seek Jesus with utmost ardency in the midst of such violent opposition to Him, all around us. That just is the nature of the world. Period. Agelessly so, on that count. And we were all the same, until He changed us--we weren't even necessarily continually or perhaps consciously aware of our opposition to God, so much as a desire to do things according to our own understanding and resenting anything which called that into question, perhaps. Or, each of us from our own place, but yet opposed. Until He changed our hearts, allowing us to the see the absolute brilliance of the beauty of who He is, and begin to experience the joyous warmth and peace of such love as is His. Beyond all prior expectation or ability to believe, and so much further, even now.
One particularly dire temptation, though, which I've somewhat fallen into lately...
Any idea of there being a period of "rest" from completely ardent pursuit of Him...is entirely false. He sustains the strength to continue seeking with utmost fervor. He supplies the desire to do so. He supplies the means. He is the will and the way, unto Himself. So, to be taken with the idea that it's possible to sit back and just let things be for a while? Seriously. That apparently only lulls into a sense of complacency which results in faltering to further temptation.
In a sense...loosely...it's the way of the so-called deadly sin of acedia--otherwise, in more recent decades/centuries, known as sloth. Initially and primarily, acedia was intended to describe a spiritual laziness, which then yields to a more general apathy unto laziness in all aspects of life...losing interest in God, then losing a sense of meaning in life, unto all things. So, what begins as a cooling of zeal in pursuit of the Lord then results in all manner of cumulative despondencies--even unto general and utter despondency and despair of life.
Thus, it really is a deadly sin. Very deadly.
And it seems to be my deepest struggle. Maybe the same for all of us, to differing degrees?
Sometimes it seems as though the sins which most controlled and defined my life before being freed by Christ are the ones which most doggedly pursue after me, now, attempting to get me to falter. And one of the direst ones, before, was my despair of life. Unto multiple suicide attempts. Again and again. Different chemicals. Numerous times. And I know it's only by the Lord's intervention that I'm still alive. He directly intervened the first time I attempted, in a way that was memorable and undeniable. And I know it's been the same since, in different ways.
The thing is, though, except for knowing the Lord, now...I would still despair of life. Because there's no meaning apart from Him, ultimately. There's not absolute meaning, except that God is realized and acknowledged, and to acknowledge His existence means to acknowledge His power...and His supremacy. And to realize that all meaning rests in Him, in who He is. Because He is sovereign, because He is the absolute of all absolutes--which couldn't even exist, except that He does...same as with all things...
So, realizing that...has some serious implications.
Given who Christ is, most especially. If He hadn't claimed to be God and backed it up with a life which attested to the truth of His claim...even through death and resurrection...then it could be possible to pass off the implicit requirements of what the true, abiding, pervasive, sovereign existence of God means. But Christ legitimized the entire Hebraic record of God's intervention in earthly affairs. As God come robed in flesh, no less. He legitimized His own prior self-revelations unto man. And His words have some entirely explicit matters contained therein which bear deeply upon each and every one who is ever given breath of life.
Whereas I could find no ultimate meaning in life, apart from God...because, ultimately, I constantly found myself buffeted by circumstances...constantly found myself incapable of remaining impassive and unyielding and unmoved and wholly consistent within myself, as circumstances continually proved I was incapable of such unwavering objectivity as was perceived required in order to maintain a semblance of meaning in anything I had attributed meaning to...
...in other words, apart from God, the only meaning possible in any given thing (family, friends, love, life, happiness) was meaning attributed but not inherent. Inherent meaning was only possible if there was an inherent purpose to each and every aspect of life and society which represented an inherent meaning...and purpose can only follow if there's intention behind a form, behind a situation, behind an object, behind a grouping. If things happened randomly to work out the way they did, as far as family groupings go, societal workings, personal aspirations...without there being an intentional, reasoned design behind their existence...then the only "meaning" possible would have to be deduced according to post facto reasoning, thus not at all inherent but merely ascribed.
(If a tree falls in the forest, does it make a sound?: If no one capable of remark happened to be listening, then why would it matter?)
So, yeah. Without God, there's no meaning. And there is meaning, is the thing. Otherwise things wouldn't be the way they are, in so many ways. People wouldn't protect the weak, have pity on the struggling, care for those in need.
But trying to have meaning apart from God...it just doesn't work. Ultimately, the only point of reference you're left with is self. Even if you call it other people, it's still self--you're just projecting your view of their needs in such a way as to make it a "worthy" cause. It's still just self, no matter how beautiful it sometimes works out...not matter how giving and sometimes heartfelt. Still, self is the only reference.
And self isn't sufficient, in context of the reality of God's existence. Self isn't sufficient in context of even the sheer unknowability of the world, let alone having forsaken reverence of God.
Time and time again, circumstances proved that to me, bringing me to a point of absolute incapacity, emotionally and mentally. Physically and socially. Financially. In all ways. One of my mottos was, "if I put my mind to it, I can do anything." And the few things I decided to do, I did...at all costs. And the cost was well-being.
Not everyone is broken in that way, though. A lot of people seem to manage not to be completely overwhelmed by circumstances with any regularity. By grace, my life fell apart on the regular. I had no choice but to acknowledge the fact that I don't control even my own small portion of the world. Not even my ability to manage time. Period. Because things happen. Things come up, out of nowhere. Tragedies. Emergencies. Sometimes miraculous blessings.
But all...constantly, time and again...one thing after another, proof that I couldn't utterly control even any minor aspect of life, in truth. So, even searching for meaning in my own ability to reason and feel and aspire to well-being...and joy in camaraderie...was undone, again and again, as I was continually overwhelmed by circumstances and left adrift on a sea of despondency, for all the more having found myself incapable of maintaining without wavering a sense of meaning and consistency in belief.
Until coming to know God. In Christ. He gave meaning to all things, and all meaning is complete in Him.
So, knowing Christ...fellowshipping with Him...constantly...
...is an ever-present reminder that there's far more to everything than meets the eye. So, while even prayer might not seem constantly and immediately productive (given that as things were before, lack of constant or regular notable "progress" as whatsoever the then-current standard of reason was at a given juncture of expression)...rather than being fooled by that faulty reasoning, now I rest in who Christ is and I can continually know that all the "progress" and meaning which can be sought and realized both originates with and resolves in Him. So, prayer is always fruitful, then--for having been a moment given to Him. As, even to seek to know Him more deeply, understand Him more broadly (endless pursuit, yes), and to walk more closely to Him...is everything, in terms of a meaningful life.
Because all meaning rests in Him. And the fact of His existence as who He is means that, given His revelation, I am obligated to seek Him. Because He said that's what I'm to do. He said we're all to seek Him. And if God says that's what I'm supposed to do, then the world can do what it will, but He's superior...and I've got to obey Him, rather than all the madness constantly swirling around me.
A thought, on His ways:
One thing I learned from time before, convoluted as all things were:
Minor, seemingly insignificant details can snowball into major effects. Given time. Given continuation.
For that to be the case, on even so infinitesimal a level of impact as any single life could represent--whereas, even an individual's mere attitudes (individually and/or collectively) can influence their situation and those around them without necessarily even being consciously intended--then, how much greater is the impact for each and every aspect of what God's will is, as it's expressly represented through each one of us who are His children...given that the process of His manifest will done through us is ongoing, as not restricted to an individual but given to the entirety of His body, through Christ, as manifest in His church?
The most minor of matters--seeming insignificant to us--do surely constitute working points along the broad, seamless, and incomprehensible tapestry He has woven (is weaving), is all. Every prayer, ever working in us, even.
Think of it this way:
One "public initiative" that received a mild to moderate amount of publicity a few years ago (still, ripples of it continue) was the "smile at a stranger, you never know whose day you'll completely transform for the better by just smiling"-stint. And I call this a stint not because it lacks legitimacy in concept but because it lacks legitimacy in ultimate premise.
The desire is right and good: help others...love others.
And the effect is one which can be noted. It can and does make a difference to treat others well...in many ways.
However, without reference first to God...and then to others...it entirely lacks lasting substance.
So, do it, but at least pray while you do so. That the Lord might make way for saving grace also, in addition to a momentary uplift. Love, but also truly love.
Which is wherein my present dilemma rests.
I ask Him again and again about the seeming countless number who are perishing. I despair over the sheer breadth, the incomprehensibly vast sea of the lost.
...and in so doing, forget that He cares far more than I ever could.
He died that they might have life.
He would that none should perish.
Yet, time and again...I ask. And, it's something of "they may have what they will/wish/want." And again and again, interacting, I'm taken entirely aback by the force of rejection of Christ.
Forgetting so often how much I once despised Him, really. I forget how I mocked Him, too. I forget that I wanted nothing to do with Him. I forget so easily that...I didn't choose Him. He drew me.
Why He allows so many to remain utterly opposed to Him...He knows. And if the heartbreak that thought brings to me is any indication...how it must pain Him, all the more deeply, is incomprehensible and utterly greater reason for grief.
Just...there's something there, though. I don't understand it. As for each of us, His will is sovereign. He created me for this--to be who I am. To come to Him. To find peace in nothing else, to be dissatisfied with all things else, and yet to long for satisfaction so as to continue to seek, even unto Him.
And so weak. Such that it seems there's need for near constant church attendance just to maintain some semblance of "normal" function. I've tried for months now all manner of combination of devotion, reading, prayer, worship, fellowship, and the like...both entirely private and with at least one other person...for varying numbers of hours per day. And it's just not sufficient. I could (/have) spent four/five hours (who was counting?...I'm really not sure how many hours, honestly...just to start and then eventually to do other things) in such things, daily, and still find myself incapable of maintaining motivation sufficient unto relishing life. It is not enough.
And so...
...there are multiple things which He's helping me with, in terms of this present realization. The couple which can be shared are as follows:
(Not His words, my reinterpretation:) I have been a complete jerk, in terms of tendency for judgmentalism. This was kind of covered in some of the more recent posts. And...maybe it's a growth phase, in terms of coming to maturity--gaining discernment but while still relying too much on the understanding which comes by the flesh, rather than the Spirit, such that things which are "there's something off, there" quickly escalate to "they're all witches!, run away!"out of a vestigial impulse to self-protect, mixed in with a hearty dose of "zeal without knowledge" desire to help others. And it all comes out really wonky, seriously astringent as wholesale denouncements of whatsoever the "thing" is that's a bit "off."
Thing is...there are people who are part of the extreme fringes of any given ideology who have gone so far from center as to have completely lost touch with truth, and for and of those...yeah...
...name recognition isn't sufficient reason to fail to test all things against Scripture (as revealed by the Holy Spirit).
But even then, there are outlines for how we are supposed to proceed. And public denouncements aren't the first course, in any event. Privately, one-to-one. Then, privately, small group-to-one. And only then publicly, if sin continues.
So, I've erred a couple times on that count, although it stands that the process of learning continues...so, but for grace, there could be other faltering.
On this same point...
...these points of "discipline" or "restoration of a brother" don't apply to people who aren't part of the church.
...and off-shoot of which, within this same line, is that it's not my place to determine between saved and unsaved. If someone claims Christ, then well enough--love them, edify them as a brother in the Lord, and always share the Gospel so as to edify then and self in so doing. If they claim Him but display no "apparent" manifestation of growth in sanctification according to the work of the Holy Spirit in all who have been regenerate...then--love them, edify them as a brother in the Lord, and always share the Gospel so as to edify then and self in so doing.
Either way, same difference. And either way, there's still need to obey the Lord rather than man, in terms of being restrained by His Spirit against grieving Him. We are all at different points along different callings according to which He has foreordained us to walk, and so others may have freedom to do things which I don't, and vice-versa, and that's just fine...and not a point for contention.
The only points which the original apostles bound were that there's to be no eating of meat sacrificed to idols, no drinking blood, and no fornication. These...in addition to the leading of the Holy Spirit, which according to Paul causes us to walk in God's law, regardless, so to keep the commandments which were given by Him in ages past. But even then...as Christ said, the whole of the law and the prophets were to love God with everything you are and love others as yourself (prefer them, moreover--loving them as He loved us, giving Himself as sacrifice so that we could be saved).
So, yeah. Love God absolutely, completely. Love others. All others.
In terms of the judging of things...was it not a warning, of sorts, in terms of testing spirits so as not to be deceived? And not an admonition against loving and serving, still. Truly not a call to embittered departures, but one necessitating a choice between the ways of God and the ways of man when purporting to be the ways of God?
We're not supposed to pretend things aren't false, if they are false. But that doesn't mean we can perpetrate our own version of flipping tables in the temple, either. Especially if we haven't so come to love those whom we would rebuke as to continually weep before God on their behalf, entreating Him for their salvation. As this, then there is such a thing as tough love. But toughness without an even deeper love isn't something of God, but of man...from what experience has shown, thus far.
Either way, point being...having a sufficiently strong walk with Him frees a person from being constantly and easily prey to absolutely every false teaching that's encountered. And this isn't because a person is stronger. No, it's because a person is all the more dependent upon Christ--consciously dependent upon Him, as taking every thought all the more subject to Him, with increasingly fewer lapses in so doing. It's not a matter of trusting in one's ability to refrain from temptation. It's not a matter of feeling strong against the temptation.
It's a matter of knowing oneself incapable while increasingly trusting in and relying upon Christ for all sufficiency, moment by moment. But...that's freeing. Because it's no longer a matter of attempting to rationalize strategies against faltering, for having come to realize they all fall short. And they are inherently flawed, having even attempted to be reasoned as even addition to Christ's provision of sanctuary.
So, discernment is increased in terms of an increasingly complete reliance upon Christ for all things, minute by minute. Which...is where a vast distinction comes in, again, in terms of what "judging them by their fruits" means. We are to be wary. But we're not capable of discerning, in our own strength. He must reveal.
There are so many fine points. And it all comes back to Him.
Either He leads us or we falter. Period.
We can't manage to get along if we rely on our own understanding, no matter how knowledgeable we might think ourselves...no matter how long we've studied or even prayed. It's constant reliance. Constant awareness of the desperate need of Him.
And He gives even that.
And, as James said...we have not because we ask not. And what we do ask, we ask so to sate our own fleshly desires...and so, don't receive.
It's all Him. We're mired. So, so....soooooo mired. Everything around us and even within us...would turn us away from Christ, in less than a second, except that He holds us up.
So, fear is unreasonable. Anxiety is unreasonable. Reluctance is unreasonable. Resistance is unreasonable. Rage is unreasonable.
He's sovereign. He's God.
We're subject to Him. We're created.
Whether we like it or not, that's just the way it is. There's no alternative. And it will be faced, one day or another. Here or hereafter.
Far better here, to know His love. To be changed by Him, while He can be found. Before we pass into eternity forever marred by the darkness of our own wayward, despicable deeds against Him.
Too tired. Need sleep.
Hopefully soon, again. Life has been odd.
The Lord keep you and bless you.
No comments:
Post a Comment