God will keep me.

Right now is the first in a week when there's been a moment of solitude, free of immediate pressure.

There are so many things. So many things. Having to make a stand for faith, all week--having to defend faith, all week. Having to stand up for it in the face of mockery, opposition, rage, and rejection of judgment. All week.

I thank the Lord for it. For a faith worth defending. For a faith which exceeds reason to such an extent that the world finds it offensive, thus put in a place where it must be defended. Defended against pastors, no less. Which...is such a wholly strange place to be in, and not one taken at all lightly nor approached flippantly. Moreso with a hearty degree of anguish and as to be forever subsequently accompanied by supplication unto the Lord for deliverance of His people.

In a McDonald's right now. It's a place to be, as to have this degree of privacy and quietude. Public solitude, no less.

Glanced at one of the many televisions for a moment, to see something quoted from the present pope. Then followed up by proclamation regarding his work in bringing multiple religions into dialogue. Given recent acquaintances made, by the grace of the Lord, it's been given to direct, conscious revelation that the extent to which those dialogues have been pursued in regard to inclusiveness...is so far-exceeding what's commonly known. To the extent that the degree to which it is truly an abomination before the Lord is Scripturally described.

And, yet, the man is lauded as the vicar of Christ?

The living embodiment? The present-tense, living stand in?

As what would etymologically be implied by the term vicar, at least. Which I'm sure is Latin in basis, especially given present-tense usage. ...okay, perhaps not Latin? Nevermind--yes, Latin. No idea whether that should have any relevance.

Just...that designation seems so very odd. It seems off.

yeah.

My mind is still just completely blown by all the many things from the pastors. One who went out of his way to describe how he hoped I wouldn't be involved in a wreck--going so far as to describe in some detail just the sort of wreck he hoped I wouldn't be involved in. (If you don't understand how utterly abominable that is, let me know--I'll elaborate. Base-line regard for the power of life and death being in the tongue.) Then one who outright sneered at me. Literally. Even going so far as to squint his eyes, glaring. As a greeting.

His wife wouldn't even speak to me, period. She left without so much as a single bit of acknowledgment of my existence, despite that I kept looking to her for an opening to say hello at least.

Which...the few times I've been taken to their church, she never acknowledges me, either, regardless of attempts to say hello. So, it's not too much a surprise.

I'd forgotten the other pastor and wife who came in. I wasn't able to introduce them, and I think they took offense. Just...would it have been better to've made it apparent that their names weren't known? They never speak to me, which makes it difficult to remember names. The lady never so much as says hello to me, despite that I've tried. I don't understand it. She wouldn't say hello to me in the hospital room, either, despite that I kept trying to make eye contact with her.

So strange. So very strange. I went to join them in prayer, when they indicated they were going to pray, and was physically blocked from joining.

Same thing happened last night, too. Of another pastor--my dad.

So I just prayed my own prayer, too, since they all shut me out. I mean...I guess I understand. It must be difficult to pray with someone whose presence offends you. Just...I don't know what they expect. I don't know what they want from me. And, really, even if I did know...if it's something that contradicts what the Lord has given...then it's not something which could be acquiesced.

But...I don't know. I try not to speak unless they talk to me, unless it's something which the Lord has given which must be said--which, really, that latter doesn't happen very often in general conversation, really. Ordinarily silence is given. And it's not as though it's even given in an aggressive way, nor relayed in any way which is anything except just a statement of belief, period. Ordinarily, though...it's given to just remain silent, head bowed. So as not to knowingly bring offense, generally, given that my presence seems as though it offends without anything else.

They just get so...mad, and I don't understand why. And they mock me, then. They sneer at me.

Like dad last night, accusing the futility of spreading the Gospel, saying that no one is doing so...and when I told Him I was...he scoffed and basically asked, "You and what army?" because he said it was pointless that just one person would do so. Completely pointless.

But it's not. The Gospel is the only potent thing upon this earth, as the testimony of the Lord's grace, power, love, and mercy. The Gospel is everything.

Which is why I just don't understand what it is in the fixation upon "end-time prophecy" which has so corrupted perspective as to make the Gospel seem pointless. That...is scary. It's heart-breaking.

My uncle had said, earlier yesterday, that he believed my dad was so fixated on end-time prophecy because of the burden for souls which it must create to realize the times. But...for dad to say that the world is rightly condemned where it stands and that it's not for us to do anything about it?...that we're not supposed to even try because "they were given the law and the prophets and will be given nothing else" (a complete distortion of the parable of the death of Lazarus and the rich man--COMPLETE distortion)?...to be told that it's pointless to even tell the world the Gospel because they'll reject it outright?...and to be mocked for saying that I'm doing it, regardless, no matter in what small a degree--just to do whatever the Father allows and gives, to do?

He was laughing about how they were all condemned. As much as clapping his hands in glee, at the idea that so much of the world yet stands condemned. He was happy about it, happy about their condemnation...

Please pray with me for his deliverance from whatever this is...

...because we were all condemned. His idea was just that we're better than all the rest of them because we made the decision to accept Christ. He said as much. That they deserve what's coming to them, because they didn't decide to accept Christ...but that we made the right decision...so, apparently we don't deserve condemnation?

I don't know about you, but my walk with the Lord has just shown me increasingly quite how depraved I am. That...the only thing good in me is Christ. And to begin to take any pride in that means that I've begun to take salvation for granted and begun to glory in self again, rather than in humble acceptance of my abject need of the Lord for EVERYTHING.

And so much of what I see...so much of what I have been permitted to observe as operating in oppression of others...I'm given the simultaneous revelation that they were indeed the very same things, in varying degrees, which I'd been trapped by. And...it wasn't anything I did which got me out of them. It was grace. He delivered me, otherwise I would still be completely oblivious to those chains...because I didn't even realize I was in bondage, for so long. I thought I was free. I thought I was completely justified in my own logic, through my own reason, by my own good works and self-righteous efforts. I thought I was self-sufficient.

And I would still, except that He's had such mercy upon me...such grace...as to allow me to see how utterly wretched it all was, as a direct abomination against His goodness and His sovereignty.

But it wasn't because I made a decision. It was because He led me. It was because of grace.

So, I can't glory in the destruction of others. I can't take pleasure in knowing they stand condemned.

Because I once did, too...and I know it was nothing I did which saved me. Rather, there's a sort of desperation in longing for the Lord to glorify Himself in all others, now. I so long for Him to save, to glorify Himself in the lives of all others.

Even as He so glorified Himself in my life--in having such mercy upon me, who was an absolute wretch, absolutely horried...an adept of high magic, an idolater, a sexual deviant, a self-righteous proponent of the doctrines of demons in the world...one who was very vocal about self-justification and the justification of idolatries. My life was an absolute abomination, absolute high treason.
And I had no idea, whatsoever. I thought myself justified. I thought myself good.

I was full of deceits and delusions. Gladly so, in those days--even further mocking God by considering Him someone I did justice to per the ways of my existence, without any awareness whatsoever of quite how blasphemous was my every thought.

..and, yet, He had mercy on me. Even in the instances wherein death came, and I died...He called me to surrender rather than to destruction, and He spared me unto a further time as salvation. He spared me, He let me suffer so as to come to see my need for Him. And He allowed me to come to realization that I did need Him. He allowed me to know that He, Jesus Christ, is truth and the only Way. And He allowed me a yearning to search for Him, no matter the cost.

He placed those desires in me. He saved me. By grace, through faith. Seeking and calling upon His name.

But it wasn't of me. It was all Him...because I wouldn't have ever known, except that He gave me revelation.

I would have never repented, except that He allowed me to see the wretched depravity of my ways.

So, for Him to have mercy upon one so wretched as me? It's just such a statement upon how merciful He is. How exceedingly merciful.

To His glory.

So, we must all pray. We must all seek that He glorify Himself further and further in our own lives and in the lives of others.

Because He does so, for His name's sake. And His name, Jesus Christ, is holy and wonderful above all names--worthy of all praise is He, and always to be glorified.


I thank Him so much for keeping me in silence when otherwise my speech might bring offense.
He is so good. That, even as these all things aren't understood by me...I know that He knows all, and I trust Him to glorify Himself further in my life. And to glorify Himself in the lives of all those whom I pray for and whom I come to know. Because He is so faithful, and He is omnipotent, and He is good.

As His will, though, not by mine. His kingdom come, His will be done on earth as it is in heaven.

God bless you all.
And...again--the greatest blessing a Creator could ever bestow upon creation is to reveal Himself to the creature.
So, in praying blessing, I'm longing for Him to reveal Himself to you ever more clearly, nearly, and dearly. For each of us. That He may be always further glorified, as He is so glorious and worthy of all praise.

So, again--God bless you.

How does it even happen?

Such strange things, these past couple days. Found a family member who has been discerned a member of the body of Christ. Not local, though.

Then, had a discussion which ended with someone effectively asking me "you and what army?" in regard to there being any effect made by the Church in these days. I was told that the Church has no power, basically. That things in the world are too bad, too far gone, for the Church to have any effect and that it's as it should be. That there'll be no move of the Church. That those who are condemned are just condemned and will remain so until "the tribulation period" begins, and then the 144,000 begin to testify...that there's nothing else to be done, aside of that. Because Christ is returning.

When I said no, that I didn't read it that way...that we're still to pursue the cause and seek to save as many as possible, as the Lord leads and as is given--that it's by grace that any of us had been saved, and only as the Father draws anyone that they can come to know Christ and to know the Spirit of Truth, at all. For the world cannot know truth, except that the Father draws... ...but that we must continue. We must continue to do as much as possible...

...when I said all that, and some shades more...I was mocked. With the question, initially, of who is even doing such a thing, now...to go and tell people about Christ, knowing that the world has rejected Him and will reject Him...sharply told there's no purpose in doing so, given that the world had been given the law and the prophets and rejected them, and that there's nothing more to be sent (specifically citing the parable about the rich and poor men who died)...

...I said that there WAS hope...that there IS hope...Christ is our hope, and we must tell as many as possible. Or some such, and was again mocked, as asked who's even doing that. I said I was. And was mocked with a sneer and a statement as to how pointless it is, that the world will never accept Him...and basically told there's nothing I can do, by myself alone...

...to which I responded that there are others. At least one in New York. Many in Radford. One in Cincinnati, now known. Another in Tazewell. One, a few?, in Seattle... And others. There are others. I know there are.

...there are many.

I just...it was so very unexpected. So very unexpected. Just...per a response to witnessing glee regarding the condemnation of people. There's no joy there, for me. There's grief in noting their rejection of the Lord. There's grief in knowing the futility of their causes. There's ardent desire to see them come to know the Lord....even as there's such ardent desire to ever move into a deeper relationship with Him, myself, and see all my brothers and sisters in Christ move into a deeper relationship with Him.

There's anguish in knowing their condemnation.

And ALL the grief is directly tied into an ardent desire to see as many come into the direct knowledge of the Lord as possible. All the grief always constantly directs to an ardent desire to witness to them of His might and majesty and power and love and their abject need for Him to be delivered from the wages of their depravity.

So to hear someone who is a pastor say that...the time for all that is past? I can't comprehend it. I can't even begin to fathom it, and it's left a rather painful yearning for their deliverance from that mentality. Even as there are so many things within me which are still of such dire need for deliverance...which I am striving toward holiness, toward further sanctification...further revelation and repentance... ...still, I yearn for that also for others.

Please pray with me for this pastor's deliverance from whatsoever has led to a renunciation of the Great Commission.

Just...I was being told how things were just going to keep getting worse, and getting worse, and getting worse...in society, in business, in the medical profession, in politics. I was being given a lecture on how it was all falling apart and how bad it all was and how much worse it'll be soon.

I had responded to the effect that it was so because the Church had ceased to act, the Church had ceased to be in her proper place...that it's all spiritual, ultimately. And that the Church just needs to step up and start reinstating Her presence. By grace, as to do. By grace, that the Lord would bring her back into that place where she can even do so.

I was told that it was not to happen. That it would not, could not happen.

...but, as I asserted--it must, because there are so many who are condemned. So, so many who stand condemned. And that they must be reached, they must receive hope...Christ is the only Hope, and we have to bring in as many as possible. As many as the Lord wills to save.

He said no.

I just...I don't understand. But...there've been so many completely absurd things I've believed. So many horrendous things I've believed in. So many abominable ideas I've exalted. To have been delivered...I know Christ can and does deliver.

I know He does.

Please pray with me that He will.

No signs shall be given.

I so want to write about all the things the Lord has done this week. So many, many things--the miraculous, amongst a small crowd of medical experts, even. Four doctors, two nurses...alternately, also two professing Christians...plus me, between the all...and, then also, the one whom prayer was given on account...then unresponsive, now recovering.

As was given Sunday, now further given to all those two crowds, in prayerful authority--even as they were standing still and awaiting what was to come...making of decisions, even...asking for consent... ...then, was told them all the one direct similarity between the medical profession and the Christian walk--we are not to mourn signs of life. We must never, never, ever grieve signs of life. Support them. Reinforce them. Do not grieve, where there are signs of life! Be grateful and strive to flourish them, instead!

And the grace of God, exceeding comprehension. Always. So very, very good.

His goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever. I am just exceedingly happy and overcome with gratitude, for all He has done and is doing and will continue to do. He has anointed me with the incomprehensible, limitless blessing of His Presence and His purposes--His calling, even as there's no knowledge held to what end all goes, there's no questioning His will as supreme. Even so far as knowing that He always prepares and provides sustenance for me--even when surrounded by enemies and those who would seek to oppress and destroy me, He is there providing my every need, even protecting so that they can't eternally harm. Even if they were to destroy my body, they cannot touch my soul--the Lord is its keeper. So, I don't fear. His power, sovereignty, strength, wisdom, love, divine presence and absolute glory comfort me beyond measure...such that, even when literally facing death...even when walking the halls of death, even when passing through the darkest hours which death would call its own...I can't fear. He comforts me, guiding me into deeper comprehension unto perfect realization of His love--that which denotes that no harm will befall, lest it be to His glory and yet all which comes only does so as within His will, whether direct or permissive. He leads me in all ways which are to His glory. He corrects me when I err, He rebukes me when I overstep my bounds or transgress His commandments or will. For His own name's sake, as I am one of His, He guides me into all goodness and right doing.  Beyond comprehension, unto humility and such gratitude...oh, such gratitude. Loving Him so dearly, for He so loves me. Even so deeply loved as that He has given for rivers of living water, ever springing forth within my soul. Thirsting for His righteousness, hungering for His word...and He has given me drink, from that living water which ever flows...and He has led me into a pasture of such goodness, giving me eat of Himself--the bread of life, satisfying all hunger. So, to rest in such satisfaction of desires...He is so good, to lead me to rest and succor beyond measure. And always to satisfy further hunger and thirst on such as is His, I know that I'll never lack. I'll never want for anything, because He's my provider. He's my guide. He is my keeper, my handler, my master, my savior, my deliverer, my redeemer...my shepherd is my Lord. Greatly to be feared. Greatly to be loved. Duly to be obeyed and honored and glorified and forever praised. Jesus is my shepherd, and His voice is the sweetest sound. Oh, just to hear Him always more clearly, and to hear Him without ever ceasing! Deeper, deeper revelation of the Lord! To know and be known, evermore nearly and dearly. ...the only one who matters, truly, even as love extends to all.

Jesus is so good. Beyond comprehension. He takes care of those who are His in ways which are completely supernatural and which exceed one's ability to conceive of...and, just always does so. Always, He brings me into places where my every need is filled in ways which are so thorough and excessive of my most elaborate hopes...the love He shows me in how He responds to my needs, supernaturally fulfilled...His love is so absolutely earth-shatteringly precious and wonderful that it humbles and completely fills every need, itself really. Just His love, directly experienced, is enough to live on. Evermore truly.

I keep praying that He reveals Himself further to each of us, that we all come into a deeper, more constant, more blatant fellowship with Him...daily, hourly, minute by minute.
To spend every moment of every day fellowshipping with Him is entirely possible. All thing are possible through Christ, who strengthens and sustains me.

Today, in addition to everything else He's done, He's given me three directly pertinent messages. The latter of which I'm going to share on G+, and possibly Facebook.

Which...the Facebook connection is very curious, now. I haven't been on Facebook in nearly a month. Can't go. Not allowed. And, if He doesn't want me on there, I'm not going. Because it was definitely being a trial, just going there. But...He's been letting me/directing me to send stuff in, still. Sermons, with testimony written in.

Maybe on there too, then.

Hm. Commented on the video. I always like it when that's a given course, in response to such things which are a direct blessing from the Lord--to publicly acknowledge, testify, pray, and all.

I may actually get to sleep for a while, tonight. =) Not sure, yet, but...honestly, I don't want to sleep. Sleeping equates to less time for fellowship with the Lord, less time seeking Him. Less time praying. And, if He will be so good as to bless me so, I'm really hoping and praying for a means and method of surviving and thriving with absolute minimal sleep. ...sleep just seems like such a strange thing, when I could be praying, instead.

People do think I'm completely insane, a lot of the time. But...whatever. Nothing new. Only, at least now, the foundation upon which all the peculiarities are founded is Christ. He is Truth. So, why should it matter what they think? If He bids me or permits me to testify to His mercy, His grace, His love, His power...His majesty and holiness...

Then, yes. Always yes. And amen, then.

God bless you all.
Much love to you.
May the love of Christ spring forth in new and emboldening ways within your heart of hearts, then sprouting forth into all aspects of your life evermore truly and evocatively. As for all of us, then.

God bless you and keep you.

Abiding in Christ--oh, the joy of perpetual sanctuary!

So, this. To write about this. This, which is. And which is the only thing which has made life possible, whatsoever. ...the only thing which makes it desirable.

The only thing which gives breath to life, and life to thoughts, and thought to words, words to the breath which is life.

For months now, this is what has so utterly transfixed thought as to utterly still it into submission, given as the state of being exists so far beyond logic as to wholly stymie any attempt it begins as to unravel that which is.

So, then to ask, how can one even speak of such a thing with any clarity, if logic stands utterly destroyed before the reality of that which is?

Being given words--as before...given breath, to live...given life, to think...given thought, unto words...then, given words, as unto that which is the breath of life.

There's yet so much which perpetually seeks to destroy that blessed accord. So, so much. External thoughts which come, seeking to distract from it. Not nearly so many of them at present, no--they come and go, sometimes coming in like a flood, all at once and so numerous in the mounted assault that one would wonder at how to keep one's head above water so to breath...except that the blessed accord is that which raises a standard against them, maintaining peace within the direst storm so long as shelter is continually sought within that abiding accord, to then driving them all away.

Back into repose, then, and always deeper--resting in the peace which abides unto love. Resting always in that blessed peace, that blessed love, that blessed clarity which eradicates all which otherwise seeks to destroy.

The Lord has been so good. He IS good. And always will be.

I can't describe the inexplicable, but can give it utterance. That's the distinction which bears greatest mention, apparently, even as it's not something which can be understood without suspending logic just a bit.

One core component thereof has come by way of that which is our reasonable service.

Three things given which were vital meditations, as experienced even if not having been read yet, at the outset of this all having come to an ever deepening, ever more vital, ever more real and wholly truthful fellowship with the Lord, Himself...as realized communion with the Holy Spirit...as Paul spoke of to so many, so often.

He has led me into all of this, is all. Absolutely, from the outset--otherwise, I'd have never desired fellowship, except that He put that desire in my heart. I would have never desired to know Him, except that He made me capable of such a desire and led me in a way which revealed the consistency of that particular desire into knowledge per understanding/comprehension.

And, as He says: Freely you have received, freely give.

No one except those whom He has foreordained to know Him may do so, even as many who are foreordained as to be saved may yet be completely in bondage and utterly stricken away from both knowledge and desire for Him as He is...unto that salvation which He brought, the redemption of the world through propitiation for our sins. And He is rightly, justly due those whom He had so redeemed through higher price than ever could have been conceived to be paid, except that it was His merciful and righteous design, transcending comprehension per such holiness and majesty and grace and power as exceeds human reason.

It is ALWAYS enough to know that, even in not knowing, yet HE does know. And always has, and always will. As it has ever been truly written of Him, even betimes directly on His behalf, and as it truly is.

But, yes, these following things were given repeatedly unto meditation, along the course. Attempt has been made to edit as to relay the way they read, and ever have read, in heart and mind--emphasis added is representative of the emphasis received while reading. This, even as emphasis shifts time to time and has consistently exceeded onto things which aren't restricted to Scripture.

These which follow, though, have all been "given repeatedly to meditation" meaning they've been sporadically brought to mind continually for months. Every time they come to mind, compulsion to  dwell upon each has simultaneously arisen.

Zephaniah 2:3 - Amplified Bible

SEEK THE LORD [inquire for Him, inquire of Him, and require Him as the foremost necessity of your life], all you humble of the land who have acted in compliance with His revealed will {and} have kept His commandments; seek righteousness, seek humility [inquire for them, require them as vital]. It may be you will be hidden in the day of the Lord's anger.

Psalm 37:4
Delight yourself in the LORD; And He will give you the desires of your heart.

Matthew 6
34 So do not worry or be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will have worries and anxieties of its own. Sufficient for each day is its own trouble.

30 But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and green and tomorrow is tossed into the furnace, will He not much more surely clothe you, O you of little faith?

31 Therefore do not worry and be anxious, saying, What are we going to have to eat? or, What are we going to have to drink? or, What are we going to have to wear?

32 For the Gentiles (heathen) wish for and crave and diligently seek all these things, and your heavenly Father knows well that you need them all.

33But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.

Philippians 4:6Amplified Bible (AMP)

 Do not fret or have any anxiety about anything, but in every circumstance and in everything, by prayer and petition ([a]definite requests), with thanksgiving, continue to make your wants known to God.

Luke 10
27And he answered, "YOU SHALL LOVE THE LORD YOUR GOD WITH ALL YOUR HEART, AND WITH ALL YOUR SOUL, AND WITH ALL YOUR STRENGTH, AND WITH ALL YOUR MIND; AND YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF."

Proverbs 3

5TRUST IN THE LORD with all your heart

and lean not on your own understanding;

6in ALL your ways submit to him,

and he will make your paths straight.^a

5Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.

6In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

Psalm 46
10Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.

...and those are just a few. Not that they're entirely ingrained in memory, aside of a few. Just...every time the gist would come to mind, there would be the compulsion to read it as recorded. Again and again, and again, until things started to make sense.

There've been a series of choices, is all. As is the case with anything.

No one who was born into a middle class family just wakes up one day a millionaire. Just doesn't happen. A series of choices are involved, which culminate unto mass changes.
Whereas, even if (in this horridly secular/fleshly example) someone becomes a millionaire "overnight" via lottery winnings or lawsuit settlement or any such--still, a series of choices enacted culminate in the "progress." The choice to buy the ticket. The choice to hire a lawyer. The choice to start a business and devote every hour to ensuring its success. The choice to plan. The choice to pursue a "personal goal."

The thing is...no matter what a person perceives as their "long term" choice/goal, every day onward constitutes further culmination toward that end. Even if the daily choices amount to "being lazy" or "cultivating knowledge" or "saving lives" or "watching television," still...each choice contributes to the whole of what a person's life is...and, just as much as it's the case on an hour-by-hour basis, it's every bit as much the case on a year-by-year basis, a decade-by-decade basis, and so on.

Further, though--no matter how intricately wrought our plans are, no matter how broad and how deep our insight into the future nor how vast our ability to manipulate circumstances...there is not a person on this earth who can control for every factor, nor who was exercise complete dominion over the way every single detail which comes to pass in a moment cumulatively plays out. No matter how many people we have working for us, even...regardless of how vast the global-scale of our dominion and observation and control. Not a one on this earth has the ability to exercise control to such an extent that any one of us can anticipate every potential eventuality, as to even be adequately prepared...let alone be able to so masterfully control how things play out, as they manifest, individually, societally, or globally as to truly be in control of circumstances. No matter how vast your domain, even perceived as over your personal terrain...you can't even control for every thought which might seek entry to your mind, except as to decide which to cherish, which to entertain, which to banish, which to maintain.

And I know this next is likely going to sound very odd, unless you've actually experienced it...

...if you're thinking in all directions at all times, even, you still can't wholly control where things will come from and to what end they'll go, unless you actively take a stance in discerning origin and directing flow. But, again, therein it's a matter of response. Not a matter of control.

And the whole deal with being "open to the universe" in that sort of way? I learned the hard way that it will cost you. Your sanity, for one--if you're basically operating as a "net" which filters the "waters" of whatever's going around...you end up snagging some seriously heinous stuff, sometimes, just as a part of the process. And the worst thing in that ever occurring is that the most heinous of those things are the ones which present themselves as wholly good and wholly right and completely beneficial...even going so far as to offer a really jaundiced version of peace and "spiritual prosperity."
 Some even offer material prosperity, too, actually. There's a LOT of that going around, apparently.

Point being, apparently, that you can achieve states of "enlightenment" which are false positives. I know, for having tread there, in various of them, for many years. Only...there's this thing that's always been a driving force, within, which just refuses to cease striving for greater revelation of truth.
Nothing has ever been able to quell it, although walking in the Spirit keeps me satisfied.

Yet hungering and thirsting for more, even as always satisfied.

However, though, this very same driving force has always meant that...past a certain point, all those other false positives started to fall apart under the force of continued pursuit. There would be a certain point achieved, then a moment wherein dissatisfaction would come, as no matter which direction was then looked upon...no greater height was perceived, for pursuit. No greater trial, unto further revelation. Nothing more, just more of the same.

Please don't mistake me--all of those many divergences in pursuit were wholly an abomination. That's known beyond the frames of comprehension, now.

And, even this...desire for more...this longing for an eternity of greater revelation? I can no more explain it to you or where it came from than I can explain to you why the wind is. All I can do is describe what it seems to feel like, using words which are prompted into thought.

All I can do is tell you about grace and reinforce the fact that God is good and that He is more real than You and I could ever even begin to comprehend. And that His ways and thoughts are beyond our ability to conceive of even the vastness of separation from our own...and that they are holy, they are good, and they are from everlasting to everlasting.

Point of being is that there's so much more than you and I could ever conceive of, which goes on constantly all around, within, and about us...and that it's all so finely wrought and intricately interwoven with all else which is that we would be utterly destroyed into a permanent paralysis of thought if we were to even glimpse only the true breadth for just a moment--let alone even the height, width, and depth. I don't understand these things, but know them.

But it's not my place to understand, as I'm ever reminded. I don't need to understand, is the thing. What I need to do...is to trust. And just acknowledge Him in all my ways, always. He has it all in hand, after all. Oh, thank You, Lord...that's such a big relief, not to feel compelled to worry about understanding all the world and all creation, any longer. Just...relying on the fact that I know the Creator, and He knows all about everything. And He lets me know what I need to know, when I need to know it.

Not that I never goof up, no. I'm still learning. I'm still growing into complete conformation to His will...as my most ardent desire. To do His will. Whatever it may be, whether it kills me or entails suffering or howsoever it goes--none of that matters, given that I know that His grace is always sufficient. Every time I've suffered, He's sustained me and kept me from succumbing. To the extent that sometimes even physical pain is suspended from experience.

Again--I don't understand any of what my life has been, except to know that it's wholly a testament to His incomprehensible mercy, His insurmountable grace, and His absolute glory.

Things are just increasingly different, now. Constantly. On a daily basis, except for when distraction is entertained and succumbed to--wholly my loss, though, to ever succumb...the joy of growing in the Lord exceeds any hope of satisfaction to such a degree that it's continually astonishing to experience, thus always an increasingly desirable course. A matter of always being satisfied AND always longing for more--a paradoxical state which has no compare and is desirable above all things.

Just to know Him. And to be known by Him. His Presence...His constantly abiding Presence...is the air I breathe and the only thing worth knowing. HE is the ONLY person/thing/experience worth knowing/having/pursuing. Even as, abiding in/with/per Him...all others become truly loved and the joy known in desiring to serve them can only eclipsed by the joy of actually serving.

And I'm still growing in those ways. Daily, as He leads me.

The choices, though...

...I can describe in detail to you the thoughts, actions, reactions, and developments which have charted and marked my own course to this point. However, I can't definitively say that the course which was mine will be even nearly akin to that which was anyone else's. I can't say that what worked for me will work for you. All I can tell you is that...if you want it enough, if you desire true knowledge of Him sincerely, if you yearn for true fellowship with Him consistently unto constantly...

...you will receive. Period.

I don't know when. I don't know how. I don't know in what way your deepening knowledge of Him will manifest, nor in which direction, nor to what end.

But I do know that if you seek after Jesus Christ, He will answer you. Seek after the true Christ as recorded in the Bible, is all. There are those who are presently attempting to deceive the world, claiming a variation yet upon His holy name as for themselves. Many in the churches, these days.

This, though...is why the Bible is so vital, if/when it IS available as a resource. Granted, the Lord is completely capable of doing anything and everything...He always has been, always will be sovereign and omnipotent...so, if He so desires, He could and may disciple some folks who don't have access to the Bible. He's been doing so in Middle Eastern countries for a few years, now--without even the intervention of evangelists/missionaries, He's been revealing Himself to Muslims in the truth of who He is and saving their souls and discipling them howsoever He's been doing so...for a few years, now. Strictly as a work of the Holy Spirit, He's been manifesting His glory to folks who not only don't have Bibles but who would be killed for getting one.

That...is completely different from where we stand, you and I. Reading this, right now, means you have unrestricted access to a variety of resources on the internet. the Bible being one

He will not excuse us from utilizing those things He puts at our disposal as a means of drawing nearer to Him, so long as it's His will to exercise utility through particular objects/resources.

Just...He can speak through anything. He can/does speak directly as an internal witness. He can/does speak through both the saved and unsaved. He can/does speak through anything and everything, as He so wills. And He has an established record of having chosen to speak through certain people, over the course of creation. Certain of whom bore written record of His Word.

The catching point thereabouts has always been that...words are only words, lest He should animate them. Dust is only dust, lest He breathe life. And especially in the context of Scripture...unless the Holy Spirit guides reading and guides interpretation--consciously so or not, to the reader...unless He does so, the words will be lifeless and without depth or breadth. Unless the Holy Spirit has breathed life into the spirit of the person reading, then breathing life into their ability to comprehend His meaning...the Bible will seem dry and lifeless and without meaning.

I know this for having attempted to read it prior to conversion. I know this for having (later than the immediately preceding mention of a point in time) disciplined myself to read and reread parts of Scripture, prior to being converted. It was like chewing on straw. Tasteless, lifeless..."merely" a rather tedious book with an entirely controversial history.

I remember that. But it's entirely different, now.

And I couldn't tell you when it changed, because I'd been clinging to it as respite for a couple of years before anything ever started to make sense...I just KNEW that there was always an incomprehensible peace come from reading, increasingly so as time passed. Whereas initially it was a nuisance adopted as a means of conforming myself to what was internally deemed an expected thus required portion of adopting Christian faith...I read and forced myself to read because I'd prayed the prayer out of terror for my life and terror over the depravity of the life I was leading...I forced myself to read, because the terror insisted that I absolutely had to be saved and I knew that being saved meant that a person read the Bible, so I HAD to read the Bible.

Only, again...there's so much to everything. One simple decision doesn't generally an entire life make, although...sometimes it does. In my case, it took years for conversion to occur. It took years, I say, because it was in June 2010 that I said the prayer. But it wasn't until this recent spring that anything in the Bible became utterly alive to me. And it wasn't until this recent spring that I started finding sin completely disgusting and fearful and intolerable for myself...even as there's still so much temptation, and so many failings which run periodic even as decreasing in frequency.

There have been so many, many contributing factors.

Which, just as much as reading the Bible was a course taken after "praying the prayer," so was...a weird sort of sidelong praying. I knew I was supposed to pray, but didn't at all feel comfortable doing it even privately...yet knew it was something that "had to happen" in a Christian. So, I "prayed." And I don't know how often it was--probably just during particularly strange circumstances. Moreso, there was just this weird sort of backwards glance at God that was ongoing. Like...I'd say things to people and tag on "Thank God," or tell them to be blessed, without mentioning God but feeling as though He was kind of implied and that it was a safe way to go.

I talked at Him, whenever I did "pray." I didn't talk to Him, though. Kind of like...say, if you were standing in a public restroom, beside someone at the vanity/mirror...and you don't know one another, so you don't greet one another...and there's a restroom attendant...and that other person is not going anywhere, but you're finished...and the attendant is looking at you, standing between you and the door really...so you just say something to them in passing, out of guilt maybe tossing a quarter into their tip basket...and you rush out. Very awkward it was, in other words. Forced.

And when it was actually talking "to" Him, there was nothing except desperation and fear and pain and begging for all the many earthly comforts. Never asking Him for anything of Himself. Never asking Him anything, except when it suited my entirely self-seeking and shallow needs/wants/desires/concerns.

And I went to church. To a place (places) where there I experienced supernatural peace and comfort and...conviction, eventually, of a sort. Even though the whole time, at first, it was a matter of knowing I was supposed to go...it turned into something compelling, in and of itself, to hear the Bible spoken in ways which never made sense during personal attempts to read...and it gave me hope. There was a compulsion to going to church. Praising became something real, very very gradually. And it got to the point where the only place I ever experienced any degree of abiding peace was at church or while listening to sermons...even just reading the Word didn't go so deep, for so long.

But everything changed, this recent spring.

Everything.

He became real in a way never experienced before. In the midst of complete calamity--total mental, physical, emotional devastation...trust in Him came to fore. Then, increased desire to be in church. Then, desire to read of Him...and something happened, wherein Bible verses started to stick in my mind with veracity and insistence. Certain ones just leapt up from nowhere, sporadically. And I'd dwell on them, becoming more and more curious of them...of what they meant, of how they fit in to my own life--surely they had to, or they wouldn't have been on my mind, was the thought. And prayer changed completely. Prayer changed most drastically in May. After going to listen to a pastor, hearing him talk about something done in another church one time--how, after hearing the entire church "testify" in such a way that everyone was further depressed at how hopeless and completely downtrodden they all were...he set a chair in front of the congregation, in the middle of the chapel...and told them to imagine Jesus sitting there...then asked them what they wanted to say to Him about what He'd been doing in their lives.

He said they completely changed their testimony, glorifying Him.

...just, hearing all that...driving the hour back to where I was staying it crossed my mind that if the pastor could do that in a church, to such effect...why couldn't I also imagine Jesus riding passenger in the car with me?

And I did. And...at that point...I couldn't speak His name. It was too uncomfortable, still...even though I longed to be able to--it pained me not to be able to. I wanted to speak to Him, though. So, imagining Him in the vehicle with me, I just spoke to Him as though He were there, asked Him if there was anything else I could call Him. My mind went to a book my mom used to have...one I'd read and enjoyed, years ago, and hadn't thought of in decades. By Girzone. Joshua. And...then it came to mind...Yeshua.

At which point I completely freaked out and totally clammed up. Because, first off, I remembered hearing that the Joshua books were supposed to be a "type" of Jesus. But...I didn't know Yeshua from anywhere which was openly recollected. I couldn't identify where it came from, in other words.
I don't remember it being in the books. And I don't remember reading Yeshua anywhere. And I definitely don't remember ever prior relating that name to Jesus.

I had no recollection of hearing the word before, especially not in such a way as to have such a vivid and certain impression of it in my mind in regard to asking the Lord if there was anything else I could call Him. So, given paranoia being what it was (now there's not paranoia, but there is constant discernment--no anxiety required, just trust and hope and desire for truth)...I held that all out at arm's length and refused to go any further. Terrified that it had come from somewhere that might not add up. Terrified that the name had come from something other than Christ...and knowing, given experience, that there are so many, many things that want to speak to a person and tempt them into false security and false revelation...false peace and false salvation..

Knowing that, given some of the thoughts that had come, completely unbidden and similarly out of nowhere yet with insistence of their own...so many thoughts that had been attacking for the years prior to this instance in May, and the only way they'd been kept from taking over and becoming "real" to me was that I was terrified by them and kept them at arm's length...because there was always something, enticing though so many of them were...there was always something which just knew they were wrong, and increasingly did that awareness come to fore as those attacks had persisted.

But...I was afraid to trust what I'd heard.

So, as soon as I got "home"...researched. And...Yeshua HaMashiach....was His Hebrew name, from what all seems. Whether the tranliterated spelling is apt or not is largely inconsequential in terms of knowing Him, really...

But...it had been some point in the two months prior to that evening that another, equally significant development had occurred. And I'm not sure whether it was in March or in April. If April, then April 13th. If March, then likely either the 23rd or 30th. One of those three days, most likely. And, given all else which happened in April in such rapid succession...I really have to wonder that it was the 13th of April.

Either way, largely irrelevant except as a distracting point of curiosity which need be laid to rest.

Church had been sought, already. After giving in to beginning to trust in God above myself, in January...things changed slowly. But a desire to return to church and to listen to solid exposition on the Bible and about God and to spend time in the Presence of the Lord...all that came back, with increasing strength. Until I couldn't resist any longer. I had to go. had to

And did. On either the 23rd or 30th of March. Gladly. And...whether it was that service or the next one, or one of the two after that...there was communion one day, after one of the services. A different method of communion--two tables set up, a church elder at one, the pastor at the other...after service, everyone who wanted to then got in one of the lines and simultaneously received communion and prayer for whatsoever needs existed. I remember, I asked the pastor to pray for my need for direction...and maybe to be able to receive direction in obedience...and maybe for the ability to hear and understand the Lord... ...whatever it was, he prayed we would both receive it. And, while he was praying for me, I felt the Presence of the Lord come down...and, this yearning desperation just arose within me, longing to always be able to feel His Presence...and I asked Him, without words yet in words, for precisely that.

His Presence remained. And...just...my mind was completely awestruck. Humbled. It was just too precious, too wonderful, too peaceful, too loving, too good...and yet it was as it was. ...and almost immediately, certain things were noted as...lessening the degree to which His Presence was experienced. Certain conversation, certain responses which arose within me to conversation, certain things read, watched, listened to...altered the experience. Like...for instance...I used to still periodically like to switch from the Christian radio station to pop radio stations...to hear new tunes, some of which were "catchy." And, I used to still put on the iPod playlist with songs which I'd liked to sing along with. But...doing that equated to something like...internal sandpaper, now--like fingernails across a chalkboard...initially, just a mild, abiding discomfort was all I was able to perceive. But...I noticed that...if I just sat through that discomfort...if I just stayed with it and listened despite the discomfort...eventually, the discomfort would abate. But so would the experience of His Presence.

And I'd have to shut off whatever had been the source of discomfort. And pray. And listen to Christian music and praise alongside, to Him. And read the Bible...which had taken on a completely new flavor, abiding in His Presence.

Everything looked new, though. Being outside, hearing the bird songs, feeling the warmth of the sun, praising Him for the warmth of interaction with others at work, and glorying in the ability to praise Him all the while...? Everything was completely different. Utterly different.

Especially the cross. No longer was it just a symbol of Christianity. The cross represented my Savior's sacrifice for me. It represented His unwavering love. It represented His unspeakable torment. And it represented the horror of realization that He suffered separation from the Father because of my sins, just so that I could be saved. ...the absolute desolation and despair of knowing that He suffered so incomprehensibly...because of all the wretched things I'd done, all the horrible things I'd indulged in--thinking them "passable" when, in truth, they were further burden upon His shoulders unto a torment beyond comprehension, just so that I wouldn't have to remain condemned under them..

...and Him, so precious beyond compare and so wonderful beyond comprehension...

...and I had done that, unto Him. He suffered for me, and yet I'd made choices which made His suffering necessary otherwise I'd remain condemned.

Now...it's known as so much more than that. My due wrath was meted upon the Son by the Father. He bore that, for me. For you. Propitiation for our sins.

Utterly unconscionable, that One so precious should suffer. One so incomparably wonderful...suffer such blatant rejection...as mockery, scorn, abandonment, ridicule, physical torture beyond human capacity to survive and then even still forced to bear further humiliations and ridicule and scorn as He silently bore it all and was made to carry the very cross upon which they massacred Him...made to carry it...bleeding, broken, rejected, abandoned...made to carry His own cross...upon which they--we...you and I, in our sins...the very cross upon which we hung Him to die. And He didn't shirk. He didn't plead. He didn't lament. He didn't complain.

He didn't forsake us, then, even as we were mocking Him in our sins.

He loved us, despite them. Enough to silently endure torment beyond reason, even unto a supernatural torment beyond comprehension.

And, all the while...all the while, He loved...all the while, He yet prayed for us...all the while, He loved without rebuke or error or faltering.

And, He gave His life. He gave up His life, to die. To be buried three days, to take captivity captive. Taking by force the keys of death, hell, and the grave--He arose, eradicating the hold which all had over man...becoming the Way, even as He had always been the only way. Oh, just that we should all seek Him! That we should all so ardently seek that narrow gate, which He is...that straight, narrow Way, which He is...

...He is all that's good.

The cross, though. Ever takes on new meaning, new depth. Even as seeing it unoccupied can send such a thrill, so does the symbol itself ever imply grief beyond measure. He lives. He reigns.
He is coming again.

His abiding Presence, though. Abiding always in His Presence.
I started talking to Him constantly. And the more I prayed, the more fulfilling and peaceful and real became His Presence. And the more I prayed, the more compelling and revelatory the Scriptures became.

Not in and of themselves, then, but as a matter of course through the revelation of the Holy Spirit dwelling within. Still, so often...there are so many things read time and time again which...then, for just a moment, it'll be as though I'd never read them before given a completely new depth of meaning and integration to the whole of life and the Lord and the Bible, itself.

And this has been true of all version of the Bible...of all English translations.
When read under the guidance of the Holy Spirit, though.

But then...anything done outside the guidance of the Holy Spirit is folly, just as a matter of the nature of so doing.

That's enough for now. It's an outlay of some significant factors.

First off...desiring the Lord, no matter what...understanding that it's impossible to even properly pursue Him, except that He leads a person in doing so.
Secondarily...seeking to know Him better...wanting to know Him for who He is, because of who He is.
Thirdly...loving Him wholeheartedly, which is something only He can manifest...but it's so very necessary as a part of seeking Him.
Fourthly...requiring Him. Settling for no substitutions or distractions. No imitations or detractions. Him, and Him alone. As THE vital necessity of living. Even knowing and realizing that it's entirely by grace that a person can even desire such a thing, thus He has to create the work and carry it out within us as to bring us into a place where He is duly required as the vital aspect of our existence.
Fifthly...asking Him for all these things, as so directed by the Spirit. Ask and ye shall receive. Those who ask not, have not. Ask and ask and ask again, and keep asking for the remainder of your life on this earth. We have to. We'll always need Him.
Sixthly...trust in Him to supply all these things and direct in whatever else need be. He alone brings us into a place of trust, through grace.
Seventh...seek greater faith, greater revelation of Him, greater obedience to His providential will. All, again, are only possible through grace.

That...is enough, for now. Even as it's still next to nothing, in terms of all the choices involved and all the steps taken and all the cross-examination and self-examination and research and study and reading and prayer and fellowship and further cross-examination endeavored and accomplished.

By grace, through faith. Always.

Seeking after the heart of God.

He usually wakes me up around this time of the morning, these past couple weeks. For a few minutes' fellowship, then more sleep. And...I really want to get better about that--getting up, rather than lying there and praising, then falling asleep.

There's so much more to be had, as far as studying the Bible, prayer, and fellowshipping in the serenity of these quiet hours before sunrise.

Perhaps soon sleep won't be such a necessity. Thus, more time to fellowship and to learn. There's just so much to learn, and all eternity won't even see an end to what there is to know of the Lord.

That's such a wonderful thought. Seriously.
The knowledge that something so very dear is endless to the extent that no matter how ardently sought, no matter how wholeheartedly fulfilled in each finding, still there will always be more to desire and pursue and be fulfilled unto.

Such as it's been these past many months, to know Him.

Frankly, this past week, it's become more and more weary a thing to refer to Jesus as someone who's an impartial, distant charaterization of someone sought to know. It's very difficult to maintain that, especially given recent entrance into a dearer fellowship of brothers and sisters who have so been freed and blessed by Him to know Him likewise intimately in spiritual experience on an entirely personal level.

There are just so many things about Him which are just so absolutely and completely precious and wonderful, even as who He is...as He is...is so very, utterly fearsome in reality as so distinctly different and wholly superior to everything we are, here and now.

Just that...there HAS to be reverence. There absolutely MUST be an humbling which bows and trembles before His absolute majesty and fearsome supremacy and power.

There must be a trembling in awe and terror of Him, as He is.

Just...as He is so wholly superior and He is omnipotent. ALL powerful. He IS power.
...such that, even to Moses, He didn't reveal Himself wholly because it would have basically disintegrated Moses to be face-to-face with the Creator.

If that thought is not real enough as to strike some level of abject terror (which "abject" should imply that it's not a "level"...but, such is this world we presently live in..)..

..if not, then seek Him more ardently, as to know Him more deeply and truly.

As for myself, I know I don't yet fear Him nearly enough. There are certain times, certain things revealed strike a note of terror so real and complete that, momentarily, breathing halts...but, even then...even then..

..there's so much to who He is.

Knowing Him, to any degree truly, is loving Him. For those who so know Him, now.

For others, someday...there will ONLY be terror.
...a heart-wrenching thought.

Oh, just to have His heart, though.
For a moment, earlier today, I received a revelation of how barren is my own still...and it utterly devastated.

A small dog, lying snuffling in the beams of mid-afternoon sun...so love-starved, largely ignored as beneath notice except to periodically pet, periodically bathe, constantly feed and water. Always anxious, snuffling, sneezing. Overweight and with eye problems. Lying there, in the sun, relaxed yet anxious...a small, snuffling, tense bit of isolation wrapped in a fuzzy, anxious munchkin. And I looked at her with a small bit of affection, seeing her as precious in that moment, yet noting a deplorable and wholly degenerate lack of fullness of warmth within my heart, accordant. ...noting it, for having a momentary revelation of recollection of what it once was to love. Remembering, for just a moment, what it was to really care without condition, about all creatures.

It broke me, to realize the hardness which yet persists...the coldness.

I went and wept before Him, over it. Because it's terrible, and there's nothing I can do about it. Nothing except thank Him for the revelation and plead that He will break my heart wholly anew, create in me a clean heart, renew a right spirit within me, replace my heart of stone with one of flesh.
Further, further, further.

For, even seeing this so clearly today...it's still with full awareness that, even of the last many months has my heart grown more open than it was...more loving. And, so yet to have revelation of such coldness?

It's deeply disturbing.

I saw a glimpse of it, yesterday, interacting with a couple of folks unexpectedly who... *sigh*
...after the point of beginning dialogue, knowledge having opened a direct door to insult was realized. Feared. Then...gradually accepted, prayerfully.

It was somewhat a struggle, though not near what it would have been even two weeks ago...not to take to heart the insults, nor to respond in like spirit...it was only accomplished by grace, with an ardent desire to somehow relay the love of Christ...
...yet, realizing I was struggling to even feel it for them, let alone to convey/relay.

That's absolutely tragic.

The entirety of a Christian's walk is supposed to evidence Christ's love.
The entirety.

Even in truth. Not seeking to offend, but never dissembling.
Passionate, yet not raging.

As much as in spirit. Never taking on a sense of sarcasm, which is biting and full of the edges of mockery.
Never taking on scorn, nor arrogance, which assert themselves as dominant over whosoever poor soul is such a recipient.
A spirit of love, which is God.
A spirit of truth, which is love.

Walking in truth, acting in truth--never lying. Ever.
And there are still so many temptations to cut corners, there, so far as just desire to refrain from full disclosure.

The things said in secret will be brought into the light, though--He promises that. And it's a merciful promise, too...for if they're not, then will they be repented of? And if they are not repented of, then whence comes deliverance?

So, we must all walk in the light, as He is in the light. Doing nothing in darkness, having no part in hiding or dissembling.

I had lived in darkness. I sought it out.

One conversation with a fellow who was an ongoing aquaintance from 2005 to 2009 in New Orleans keeps coming back to mind. Maybe the first night we'd met, maybe further along...walking Decatur Street, toward Esplanade. And as he was talking to me about some breadth of his esoteric knowledge, he prefaced much by saying there were some people who were of the light, and there were those who were of the darkness. And, I remember...I caught my breath, for a moment, in fear--feeling caught out, of all things. It was so strange and made no sense, still makes no sense.

I asked him which we each were. He said he was of the darkness, then looked very curiously at me for a moment...studying me. And told me I was of the light... ...and my visible disappointment made him change his assessment to include that there was some darkness in me. That was satisfactory.

And as the Lord said--any darkness is total blindness.

Complete blindness.

So, it doesn't matter that...despising Christians yet thinking myself still holding some place in my heart for God, yet thinking that I had some sidelong claim on accepting Jesus for who He was...it doesn't matter what I thought, because my actions were a total abomination before the Lord.

The wisdom of Man is complete foolishness. The wisdom of the world is full of lies.

I was so deluded. So completely in error. Acting as such an abomination, in such rebellion, blaspheming by way of my thoughts and my actions. And it just had ever become worse and worse, as the years had gone by.

So, it doesn't matter what I thought, because the entirety of my system of thought was completely based upon lies. Lies from the world, lies from my own series of rationalization, lies upon lies--within and without. As such, though, what haphazard system of "morals" there were as "principles" were yet...twisted, by course of my own spiritual debasement.

Just...one of the biggest lies that permeates society is..."Well, I'm not so bad--I don't sin much. I like God, so I should be fine. Besides, a good God wouldn't send someone who was a decent person to hell."

That's a lie straight from the adversary. There's either redemption through Christ, pursuing Him thereafter wholeheartedly and continuing always as a living sacrifice to God...or there's continuing in the condemnation of the curse of the law which all of Mankind lives under, per the fall from grace come by our original parents...Adam and Eve. They fell from grace, their spiritual natures were changed...they were no longer pure, no longer chaste, but had fallen prey to the temptation of self-worth and conception of the worth of anything other than God...they rebelled against Him, by giving into thoughts which called the holiness and supremacy of God into question. And they fell short of His glory. And THEN propagated. Such that the same fallen nature, tainted by iniquity into a susceptibility to evil as a known/perceived/experienced thus "tempting" course, was propagated through them.

So, either you're still living under the curse of the law...which is that those who do not fulfill the entirety of the law will go to death, by way of the rebellion enacted against He who is sovereign and omnipotent...either you're living under that... ...or you're pursuing Jesus, wholeheartedly.

We have to stay strong, y'all. It's part of edifying one another in Christ, as to maintain the course.

The gate is small and the way is narrow which leads to life. We have to stay the course.
And He will keep us--nothing can snatch those who are His from His hand. Just...we live in an age where accountability is completely ignored, and discipline is next to extinct--at least, in the senses they were written of in Scripture. So, it has to be confronted some time.

He will correct those of His who stray. He chastises those whom He loves.
Just...if you're doing things which are written against in the Bible and you feel no conviction about the sinfulness--seek God with all your heart, that He will restore you.

As I have to now continue to seek Him further and more ardently, now having realized these further shortcomings which He is to yet deliver unto restoration to Himself.

He will, for He is good. He is faithful.

Nothing Else Matters.

Well, today has marked another bit of a vast change.

I'm reluctant to write of it, but feel the need to do so. There are just certain things which had been completely reluctant for undertaking, despite having felt the need to do so increasingly over course of past couple months..

..done, today. And even an additional thing which wasn't entirely or at all desired for doing. Just...sometimes it is impossible to ignore the blasphemy. It's never pleasant to see, of course. But, ordinarily, there's nothing done except prayer. Ordinarily.

Periodically, though, it's given to provide Scriptural refutation of blasphemy of God--when done in a "Christian" community. Not often something that's a given, to do, though.

Fearing God reduces fear of man, though. Proportionally to the extent to which the Lord is feared (even as He is adored wholly, also). Such that...there are certain things which can't be done, any longer, for fear of the Lord. Just as there were some things which had to be done, for fear of the Lord.

For so long a time as I was mired in the world, its ways are understood...and there's fairly often attempted mental assault, in terms of an attempt being made to restrict freedom of speech unto the glory of God, with all the many assertions which readily are given as refutation from all the many demonic spirits maintaining such prevalence in society.

Doesn't matter. The Lord is greater. Knowing the enemy does no favors, except as to anticipate likely attack...given that they've already been mentally attempted, but by grace through praise, prayer, and devotion abolished.

I realize there's no conception, amongst those who are fallen prey to society, to the world, to the devil's ways...of the lack of consistency in their observations, regarding self-examination especially. But it's the way of it--they don't recognize truth, because it's not in them. They can't receive it, because they don't recognize it.

Only by grace have any of us ever come to know and love Truth, to know and love the Lord Jesus.

Remembering how absolutely overpowering were the responses, previously internal, in rejection of Him and any who proclaimed His name...especially when I was in thick of things--bartending overnights in the French Quarter, with all due and expected ungodliness and blasphemies attendant upon my ways and thoughts and manners of being...
...I remember how violently internal rejection of even mention of Christianity was. Which, really...it was Christianity which was so abhorrent, moreso than Jesus. Jesus...I still spoke of, with a perverted fondness, in regard to blasphemously likening Him to individuals like Buddha who were abominations before God.

But...I don't know, there was a conversation once where I was trying to convince one of my best friends about Jesus's being God. In 2005, first time I'd met her and was alone with her, helping her move out of the apartment she had to leave. I remember, then, taking up for Him and asserting that He was the Son of God, Emmanuel...even though there wasn't really comprehension of the work done through His crucifixion, I was asserting that He had died and resurrected and ascended.

And was, all the while, wholly disgusted by and absolutely furious over Christians.

It was Christians who were so reviled. Like the ones who could sit and quietly smile to one another during service, then immediately turn to sniping gossip in malicious tones of whisper, immediately after the Bible had been closed.

Like the ones who had escorted me out of the sanctuary, the night I was overcome with joy, then weeping supplication for a friend's parent. Out to the sidewalk, at night, on a Sunday. It's still not entirely clear how old I was, but between 11 and 13, best as memory serves.
And they just took me outside the church and deposited me on the sidewalk, and then a few of them just stood and watched me while I wept and pleaded for them to pray with me for my friend's parent. They just stood and watched, maintaining distance.

No one ever talked to me about it.
They just gave me wide berth afterward, ceasing conversation.
...regarding with suspicion.

It absolutely crushed me. I'd begun to know the Lord, up to that point. Talking to Him in very sidelong sorts of ways, but still...having called out to Him, numerous times, and getting response.
Direct response. Inexplicably precise response, beyond comprehension or chance.

Yet, to then be cast out of the church?
I turned a complete 180 at that point. Feeling for sure that it must have been something wrong with me, for them to reject me so wholeheartedly...so wholeheartedly that they wouldn't even talk to me about it. Excommunicated while still permitted to wander as though invisible within their midst.

Not that they'd really ever spoken to me, any of them, prior to that. I didn't talk, after all--people terrified me, and so I could never bring myself to talk, aside of being nice and smiling if spoken to.
Rarely.

Rarer still, after that night. Or, maybe it just seemed so, for feeling so completely cast out. Maybe the shame of having been physically removed, all things else considered too, was so much that I stopped even making eye contact with anyone.

I don't know. Both, most likely.

Everything fell apart, then. Everything.

I didn't really bear anything against God, then...just pain and longing to understand why...why so rejected...I didn't bear anything against Jesus, either--He just basically departed from my vocabulary, so shocked and traumatized as I was. I was afraid of what would happen, afraid of what had happened, and had no idea what to do or who to go to, because there was no one.

So, I turned gradually to one cohort--the one whose father had been such a burden on my heart, that night. She turned me onto supernatural fiction and mysticism, gradually, and from that I delved ever further into the occult. Achieving results sought, in every instance where any was...per sheer determination, moreso than any attempt to deal with spirits. Although, in years immediately subsequent, there were spiritual things which manifested and were wholly rejected--putting a halt to that end of pursuit, for fear.

Everything fell apart, though. Family already had been, but increased in decline. I didn't realize how things were, even--it was just a matter of going through the day, unto each next.
One friend, the one who remained friend until very recently...the one who persisted as an accepted and honored and respected Christian, amongst all those who were otherwise loathed...the one who had Bible study with me, periodically, over all the years intervening..
...he made a statement, a few years after I'd left home--what home was left, at least...
...when I was in Florida, he just made a statement about how shocked he'd always been that I'd been responsible for taking care of my siblings and for running the house.

I never saw it that way, but he explained it to me in such a way that...well, he was right. Eldest of four, and it was my responsibility to make sure everyone was wherever they were supposed to be at any given point. They were all terrified of mom already, as I was, so some things were just done without being asked--homework, laundry (my sister Amber did laundry, I did dishes...I really don't know that anyone cooked, most days, so much as scavenged), and whatever else. I was responsible for cleaning the house. All of which is why I wasn't allowed to take part in helping the local mission, or for volunteering anywhere else if there had been elsewhere, nor allowed to spend time out of the house really. Because I had too much to do at home, is how she put it, for me to be off running around everywhere else and doing stuff for other people. If I wanted to do things for people, I had to make sure everything at home was done first.

It was never finished. I had no idea what I was even supposed to do.
All I knew was vacuuming, and moving piles of stuff around in the rooms which were used most. And dishes.

I don't know if mom maybe did bed-clothes for the others, but I know I had to do my own...which means it was done maybe a couple times a year (have kinda picked up on the realization that they need to be washed a lot more often than that, just to note). Just...I didn't know. I'd never been told, I didn't have an example to work from--I was too terrified of the lash of mom's tongue and the strike of her hand to go near her, willingly, without just cause. Which was largely why I'd ended up becoming responsible for my siblings--being the eldest, I was able to mitigate the damage to them by taking the brunt of it myself, by intervening when things got out of hand.

So, it was always a matter of listening around corners, being very, very, very on point with aural and visual observation as to immediately jump between, when or if things should spike beyond reason at any point. Like the day my sister Amber tried to stab my little brother with a steak knife. None of us knows how I made it across the room in time to grab her wrist during the downward stroke.
Of course...he'd just hit her with a frying pan, which I'd had to abscond and dispose of, during which time she had opportunity to arm herself and nearly complete an attack.
He was crouched in a corner, when I made it back across the room, she was lunging over him--knife raised to the apex of her ability, with the downstroke already well begun to half-way complete, and I caught her wrist motionless, inches from his face. She was going for the eye, maybe. Or maybe for the heart--I've never asked, in all the times we've discussed that instance.

Oh...

That instance was before things got bad. I still kind of had them under control, at that point.
It was before the incident of being kicked out of church and just giving up on everything except barest necessities for survival.

I grew up with my little brother calling me mom, for the longest time, for years. And I don't know if mom ever even knew that. I don't know if dad ever knew it.
They were never there.

They'd hired someone to babysit and clean house, and she did just that--we were all confined to a room together, expected to stay there and (literally, this was what was both meant and intended) not to kill one another. Those were the rules. The only rules.

Stay in one room, no going outside. If you play, do so quietly (unspoken rule determined by matter of course--there was wrath to come, if we got loud enough to warrant anyone's attention). Just don't kill one another.

...now, don't get me wrong--I was absolutely no saint. Living in those circumstances, and not to affected? I had a temper which was unto death, only barely restrained most days...and, even then, the only reason it was so restrained was because I had apparently seriously hurt one of them once, when I was maybe 4?...I remember the "talk" they had with me, is how I know it was so young--mom and dad were BOTH there, and TALKED, rather than "beating it into me." Just...told me that I didn't know my own strength and if I wasn't careful, I would end up seriously hurting one of them.

So, I tried. Oh, I tried. But I know there were moments when I did lash out. And, even staying more to myself--distance instituted by the known responsibilities for all, implied even if not consciously realized...always walking that line between being the aggressor and the peace-maker, just to ensure no one died. ...even staying more to myself, in ways, I still preferred the company of my next youngest sibling. And we often verbally tormented the younger two.

For no reason, except just that it was done. I remember feeling absolutely horrible about it afterwards, sometimes, but...there was just this overwhelming malice which would come again and again, inciting the instances. Frustration with the all, unto rage.

And yet none of us killed one another.
We've all, since, either attempted to kill ourselves or seriously thought about it, though.

Mom did kill herself, in 2007. Dad tried to kill himself at some point in the 90s, apparently.

And that same bit of mental anguish which had ever tried to come upon me, driving me into such despair and utter confusion from reality as to ever try so many times to die, by my own hand? ...except that I remain close to the Lord, that same voice starts speaking again.

It's demonic, is what it is. I know that. Even as much as I know that most folks nowadays think "that sort of thing is just nonsense." It's not my place to convince folks, though, and there's no desire to. All that's given me is to relay what experience has been and whatever revelations are given. That's it, in most all ways.

To what end, I have absolutely no idea, on the whole.

All that though...all the many things, even with there being interspersed moments of happiness and peace, during childhood and adolescence...all that is done. Even as some of the stuff that was spawned as temptation and oppression back then still yet attempts to periodically find purchase again, still--it's over, the time for those things has passed.

Merely, to have ever been completely caught up in all of the many things which were wrought from all those many decades completely entrenched in raging, malicious chaos...and to have been delivered to freedom in Christ, bound now to Him and constrained by His love? ...yeah, it's worth anything to cleave to Him, completely. No matter what.

Just...the nearer I draw to Him, the more things seem to change. Gladly, really...only, today it did cross my mind...clearly realized...

...the more near and dear He becomes to me, the more real, and the greater the faith...the stronger is the enemy's loathing, and the more incentive he has to eradicate me.

...which doesn't scare me, in the least. I don't care what he does--he's every bit as subject to God now, as he ever has been, given that he's merely a creature. He can only do what God allows. And, the greater the persecution, should or when it does moreso come...the greater the glory to God.

Because He will not fail. God will not forsake me. He will never abandon me. And having drawn me unto Christ, nothing can snatch me from His hand--He said it's so, and I believe Him and trust Him wholeheartedly. He saved me.

What it does mean, though, is that...walking closer with God means that it can only continue as it is and unto walking even more closely with Him. Anything otherwise would be knowingly giving place to the enemy, and that is unconscionable. Entirely unconscionable.

Which is why the things which were done today were done. And why they had to be. And why, even as it may seem like nothing to some folks, it took two months' worth of prayer for me to acquire to do, and given what bit has been written of the all...maybe the things which have ever been experienced can attest to why that would be so.

Just...in regard to employment, which is the core component of the "I can and must be self-reliant and provide for myself, no matter what"-bit of pride-inciting logic...it has been on my mind, repeatedly, these past couple of months that my resume needed update. As to signify foremost my identification as a Christian, pre-requisite to desiring or accepting any position of employ.

Period.

It HAS to be so. HAS to be, otherwise I cannot work a job and will continue to rely upon the Lord in all things, even unto whatsoever He wills--whether employment or some other avenue, as has been.

There are so many complications entailed in that pre-emptory proclamation of faith, as part of public acknowledgment of availability for work, is what's so very strange. I feel liberated, really. I feel better about things, knowing that's in the open, even as the implications are all the more clear now.

First off, to take it from a "political correctness"/quasi-legal (ungodly) stance...anything which may in any way offend anyone at any time is something that's not supposed to be brought into anything of any kind of any work environment. According to all the many, many codes of law in regard to discrimination and harassment and person rights, as are so highly lauded as supreme these days.
Which, having been in mid-management numerous times now (very unsuccessfully, for just these very reasons having wrought complete breakdown as course of such blatant internal conflicts incited in one seeking after Christ)...I know that a lot of what that equates to is that "whoever you are, leave it at home." Which basically equates to depersonification. Dehumanizing. Because it's in the business's best legal interests not to give any person a job, but instead to hire employees...to employ associates...and so on. People who are depersonalized to the extent that they identify with the business wholly as to the detriment of self, within context of it all being "just business," as it truly goes. To the extent that store management can direct mid-management to fire a single mother after Christmas, with a deadline of roundabout New Year's, because they basically don't like her...with the expectation that mid-management will trump up sufficient charges as to make it happen, literally overnight (I was given a story as an example of how one particularly enterprising mid-manager accomplished such a thing, from nothing, within a week given direction by store management to do so). Not only that, but in the most recent position still (as this just mentioned was from), they also wanted me to work on finding ways to get rid of "that one guy...something's not right with him"...who was the best, most reliable worker on that particular department team, yet who happened to also work within restrictions of autism which meant that he'd never be able to be promoted, which meant they wanted him gone. Because he was autistic, you know.

There was no way. Absolutely no way.

And after a month's worth of building pressure on both those counts, then raped on Christmas Eve, then stress of just not knowing anything and not even being able to go to church because I was working at least 10 hours a day, six days a week at the end, tracking (per pedometer) between 15 and 20 miles a day across the 100,000sq. ft. building...just, complete nervous breakdown, on January 1st.
All I could think of and could even conceive of doing, from the moment my eyes opened...was to go to the kitchen sink, drink windex and bleach, by whatever means required as to do so. That surely THAT would kill me, where Raid had failed numerous times, even with codeine and allergy medicine. And other things. But surely THAT would work.

And it had been on my mind for weeks, as things had gotten worse and worse...and that day, the first of this year, the moment my eyes opened...the compulsion to do that, and ONLY that...made me literally cling in abject desperation to the bed frame--weeping and seeking sleep, again and again--for fear that I might get up and go and do it, as there was no other option. The store manager called. Again, and again, and eventually I was able to let go of the bed with one hand as to answer the phone...and ended up sobbing and telling him just of the desperation and not knowing what to do, without mentioning ANY details. Hospital was recommended, and it was then an option. But I knew if I were to drive myself, it would not have gone well, in that state of mind.

So, still had to wait longer yet to gain further resolve to walk to my then-roommate's bedroom rather than the kitchen, to beg them to to take me to the hospital. Never crossed my mind to do anything else.

God became a real necessity again, in the void which was the hospital-space. In a very loose, undefined, yet barely grasped sort of way...there was just an internal certainty which instituted itself, more and more apparent per each passing day (even now), of the abject need to return to Him in all ways, with everything, and to cling to Him with every bit of abject desperation as I'd clung to that bed frame and to fitful sleep in the midst of weeping, that first day of absolute brokenness.

And I started, then, even having been trying to very haphazardly and ignorantly to seek Christ, in the years preceding--it had all been such weak and paltry searching, as so guided by those who led what churches had been found did attest to. I did as best I knew, and it wasn't enough. It wasn't even the beginning of being enough, except that the Lord did have mercy so as to allow me to be broken enough to truly know such need for Him, then.

That was grace. That was mercy.

But I know, is all--I couldn't go back to that. I CAN'T go back to that. It is impossible for me to exist and live in that environment, without ending up right back where I was in January--if so blessed even as to be spared yet again, from my own such strong temptations unto death.
So, I can't compromise. I can't. Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually.

I CAN'T. Because compromising entails opening myself to the breadth of those temptations, again, and I cannot in any good conscience do such a thing. Not only because of the havoc in wreaks upon me, but even moreso and quite explicitly because it would be idolatry to do so--for God to have spared me, yet again, from death?...yet for me to, by my actions, undermine the severity and the magnitude of what He has done in me and for me...by walking right back into what death He'd delivered me from?

So, yeah. My resume, and every site which as anything which represents it, now has a brief yet explicit statement of faith as primary focus, prior to detailing even work experience.
Because if they can't or won't accommodate me as a person, for what matters more to me than anything else in this world, then I cannot even begin to condescend as to offer my labor. I will not allow my faith to be degraded. Me--fine, whatever. But not my faith. Not my Lord.

A few years ago, it never even crossed my mind as a possibility, let alone a necessity. But I can't refrain from making a point of letting whosoever may hire me know, foremost, that they're hiring a Christian. Because that's all I have. There is nothing else. Christ is ALL.

And if He is not welcome, then I'd just as well go to straight to the hospital than to spend a day in training.

*sigh*

Just...I know how that's going to go over, in the secular world. The guy who called today about interviewing me, having found my un-revised resume...when he asked what I've been doing for work, and I let him know "praying"--both times he asked, because he wouldn't accept that as a response, despite it being truth..
...yeah. He ended up ignoring it, on the whole. He is now the first recipient (aside of any who may wander across it, over course of looking for "candidates") of the new and largely improved version of my resume.

We'll see whether they still call about an interview for later in the week. Even if they do, once it becomes apparent that there's no cog for the machine, but a person...? Yeah, we'll see.

It's up to God. Not me.
I didn't apply for it.
I didn't apply for the last corporate job that was given me--which, that ended in a trip the the hospital for a week..

Just don't bother with all the arguments against it--they've already been side-swiping me for hours, attempting to wring a retraction of faith...everything from how "they'll all thing you're a complete joke," to "they'll take one look at that and believe you're completely insane," to "you're likely to get called in for interviews just so they can heckle you for amusement on a slow day at the office."
All since then, I keep hearing on repeat, "well, you've done it now--you may not have been looking for something, but so long you stay with that you've made yourself unhireable."

To which my response has been mult-varied. First off...most folks think I'm a complete joke, anyway, even unto uncles condescendingly making wry remarks about my faith, my dad making jokes about how poor I am, my closest sister now completely refusing to even acknowledge my existence, my little brother laughing at my insistence upon the necessity of the Gospel...and all else, in regard to folks which aren't even family--that gets interesting, especially. So, yeah, what-with all those things being the case already? And not mattering one whit, given that being so blessed as to know the Lord is more than any person should ever hope for, so let alone to experience...??? Yeah, let them laugh. Hopefully, maybe once they have laughed, maybe something in the sincerity and lack of repentance for my faith which is evident....maybe something in that will be used of the Lord, to strike a chord within them, resounding the beginnings of His truth into their soul.

And as far as them thinking I'm insane? Oh, have fun! That's been a running joke, throughout my life, and given insight into some of the few things my life has been comprised of...not to mention the extents or types of abuses experienced for years, nor to mention the perversions wrought in my mind as a result of such abject traumas as "normal" course? Yeah, please--feel free. I don't mind. It doesn't bother me to be called crazy. My parents were the first to tell me as much, when I was barely more than a toddler--first, for telling them about the singing I heard, then for humming the melodies which were to songs I couldn't identify but knew, then for giving away possessions to people who looked as though they needed something to brighten their day. All that, before perversion began to take sway. And, called crazy for it all, then. So, surely now as well, too. Only, knowing psychology so well as I do, having studied in and lived it in complete depth of practiced pursuit for years--I have SEEN crazy. I know what it looks like. I know what it feels like, to have it glaring at you across a room or attempting to abduct you at 4am. And, while there had been moments where the line was walked, it wasn't ever crossed to the point of no return--by grace of the Lord, entirely. So, maybe in seeing what they perceive as insanity, the Lord will strike a chord in them which inspires the beginning terror for their own insufficiencies, which may ultimately be used to draw them unto Him.

If the Lord does see fit that anyone would call me to interview, then it'll be as prayerfully completed as any interaction. To His glory, and to whatever end is His intent.

So, as far as being unhireable goes? There's a Subway somewhere hereabouts which has experienced some trouble for having sent a letter to a pastor somewhere, asking that they let folks know of jobs, if anyone needs one--that they hope to have Christians employed. Whether because they want to take advantage of such people, or whether they truly do want a Christian business...either way, there are such places.

And others. And I can only work in such a place, regardless.

Because if I deny Him before men, He will deny me before the Father. And that's a heart-wrenching thought, even to consider. Definitely one which isn't worth courting. Better, in all ways to acknowledge God, so He can direct the steps of my path. And, thus acknowledging Jesus before all, He will continue to acknowledge me before the Father.

Only by grace, is all. I can't maintain that sort of resolve on my own.
Even as there is no alternative, truthfully.

Which, really, is where the remark was going in regard to how there's no turning back from the Lord. Once someone has begun to seek Him, truly, there's no turning back. Once someone has been found by Him, there's certainly no turning back. And, if someone has gone so far with Him? Then there's only possibility to go further. Anything less would be too painful.

Knowing Him in spirit and in truth is to yearn to know Him ever better and ever more truly, for ever having so known Him at all.

It must be. For what else is there?
Jesus is EVERYTHING.

Truly, nothing else matters.

Granted, having read Daniel a few nights ago has certainly increased perspective on how dangerous a thing it is to compromise. Or, in terms of how the stories within the book of Daniel actually were laid out--how very important it is NOT to compromise to society's standards, period. The difference between salvation and damnation. The difference between life and death.

He is faithful. He does provide. He loves. He delivers. He protects. He preserves. He comforts. He provides company and conversation--the friend who stays closer than a brother. He fulfills every need, even as in delivering from the vanities and wickedness of this world.

Who, knowing Jesus to be so, would knowingly compromise the blessing it is to know Him so...for the sake of something as paltry and insufficient and utterly meaningless as the regard and acclaim of mere men...and, even worse!, men who are wicked in their ways and who don't know the Lord?

I mean, really...really, it's not even a question. It's just been a matter of working up taking the next step.

Even as I have no idea, except just to remark--these are things which come to forefront of mind, and they seem well.

So, God bless you all. It's my ardent prayer that He keeps us all in the very palm of His hand, shielded beneath His wings, through all the world has to offer by way of rejection and persecution--and, He will, for He has, and He is faithful. So, further, I pray that we are always so cognizant of this, as truth, that He keeps our mind on that which IS true. That, evermore, we will continue to have a deepening regard for a realization of how deeply and truly indeed does our Lord, our Savior, our Most Precious Friend and Counselor, Jesus Christ...how deeply He does love us. Oh, He is to be praised!