God will keep me.

Right now is the first in a week when there's been a moment of solitude, free of immediate pressure.

There are so many things. So many things. Having to make a stand for faith, all week--having to defend faith, all week. Having to stand up for it in the face of mockery, opposition, rage, and rejection of judgment. All week.

I thank the Lord for it. For a faith worth defending. For a faith which exceeds reason to such an extent that the world finds it offensive, thus put in a place where it must be defended. Defended against pastors, no less. Which...is such a wholly strange place to be in, and not one taken at all lightly nor approached flippantly. Moreso with a hearty degree of anguish and as to be forever subsequently accompanied by supplication unto the Lord for deliverance of His people.

In a McDonald's right now. It's a place to be, as to have this degree of privacy and quietude. Public solitude, no less.

Glanced at one of the many televisions for a moment, to see something quoted from the present pope. Then followed up by proclamation regarding his work in bringing multiple religions into dialogue. Given recent acquaintances made, by the grace of the Lord, it's been given to direct, conscious revelation that the extent to which those dialogues have been pursued in regard to inclusiveness...is so far-exceeding what's commonly known. To the extent that the degree to which it is truly an abomination before the Lord is Scripturally described.

And, yet, the man is lauded as the vicar of Christ?

The living embodiment? The present-tense, living stand in?

As what would etymologically be implied by the term vicar, at least. Which I'm sure is Latin in basis, especially given present-tense usage. ...okay, perhaps not Latin? Nevermind--yes, Latin. No idea whether that should have any relevance.

Just...that designation seems so very odd. It seems off.

yeah.

My mind is still just completely blown by all the many things from the pastors. One who went out of his way to describe how he hoped I wouldn't be involved in a wreck--going so far as to describe in some detail just the sort of wreck he hoped I wouldn't be involved in. (If you don't understand how utterly abominable that is, let me know--I'll elaborate. Base-line regard for the power of life and death being in the tongue.) Then one who outright sneered at me. Literally. Even going so far as to squint his eyes, glaring. As a greeting.

His wife wouldn't even speak to me, period. She left without so much as a single bit of acknowledgment of my existence, despite that I kept looking to her for an opening to say hello at least.

Which...the few times I've been taken to their church, she never acknowledges me, either, regardless of attempts to say hello. So, it's not too much a surprise.

I'd forgotten the other pastor and wife who came in. I wasn't able to introduce them, and I think they took offense. Just...would it have been better to've made it apparent that their names weren't known? They never speak to me, which makes it difficult to remember names. The lady never so much as says hello to me, despite that I've tried. I don't understand it. She wouldn't say hello to me in the hospital room, either, despite that I kept trying to make eye contact with her.

So strange. So very strange. I went to join them in prayer, when they indicated they were going to pray, and was physically blocked from joining.

Same thing happened last night, too. Of another pastor--my dad.

So I just prayed my own prayer, too, since they all shut me out. I mean...I guess I understand. It must be difficult to pray with someone whose presence offends you. Just...I don't know what they expect. I don't know what they want from me. And, really, even if I did know...if it's something that contradicts what the Lord has given...then it's not something which could be acquiesced.

But...I don't know. I try not to speak unless they talk to me, unless it's something which the Lord has given which must be said--which, really, that latter doesn't happen very often in general conversation, really. Ordinarily silence is given. And it's not as though it's even given in an aggressive way, nor relayed in any way which is anything except just a statement of belief, period. Ordinarily, though...it's given to just remain silent, head bowed. So as not to knowingly bring offense, generally, given that my presence seems as though it offends without anything else.

They just get so...mad, and I don't understand why. And they mock me, then. They sneer at me.

Like dad last night, accusing the futility of spreading the Gospel, saying that no one is doing so...and when I told Him I was...he scoffed and basically asked, "You and what army?" because he said it was pointless that just one person would do so. Completely pointless.

But it's not. The Gospel is the only potent thing upon this earth, as the testimony of the Lord's grace, power, love, and mercy. The Gospel is everything.

Which is why I just don't understand what it is in the fixation upon "end-time prophecy" which has so corrupted perspective as to make the Gospel seem pointless. That...is scary. It's heart-breaking.

My uncle had said, earlier yesterday, that he believed my dad was so fixated on end-time prophecy because of the burden for souls which it must create to realize the times. But...for dad to say that the world is rightly condemned where it stands and that it's not for us to do anything about it?...that we're not supposed to even try because "they were given the law and the prophets and will be given nothing else" (a complete distortion of the parable of the death of Lazarus and the rich man--COMPLETE distortion)?...to be told that it's pointless to even tell the world the Gospel because they'll reject it outright?...and to be mocked for saying that I'm doing it, regardless, no matter in what small a degree--just to do whatever the Father allows and gives, to do?

He was laughing about how they were all condemned. As much as clapping his hands in glee, at the idea that so much of the world yet stands condemned. He was happy about it, happy about their condemnation...

Please pray with me for his deliverance from whatever this is...

...because we were all condemned. His idea was just that we're better than all the rest of them because we made the decision to accept Christ. He said as much. That they deserve what's coming to them, because they didn't decide to accept Christ...but that we made the right decision...so, apparently we don't deserve condemnation?

I don't know about you, but my walk with the Lord has just shown me increasingly quite how depraved I am. That...the only thing good in me is Christ. And to begin to take any pride in that means that I've begun to take salvation for granted and begun to glory in self again, rather than in humble acceptance of my abject need of the Lord for EVERYTHING.

And so much of what I see...so much of what I have been permitted to observe as operating in oppression of others...I'm given the simultaneous revelation that they were indeed the very same things, in varying degrees, which I'd been trapped by. And...it wasn't anything I did which got me out of them. It was grace. He delivered me, otherwise I would still be completely oblivious to those chains...because I didn't even realize I was in bondage, for so long. I thought I was free. I thought I was completely justified in my own logic, through my own reason, by my own good works and self-righteous efforts. I thought I was self-sufficient.

And I would still, except that He's had such mercy upon me...such grace...as to allow me to see how utterly wretched it all was, as a direct abomination against His goodness and His sovereignty.

But it wasn't because I made a decision. It was because He led me. It was because of grace.

So, I can't glory in the destruction of others. I can't take pleasure in knowing they stand condemned.

Because I once did, too...and I know it was nothing I did which saved me. Rather, there's a sort of desperation in longing for the Lord to glorify Himself in all others, now. I so long for Him to save, to glorify Himself in the lives of all others.

Even as He so glorified Himself in my life--in having such mercy upon me, who was an absolute wretch, absolutely horried...an adept of high magic, an idolater, a sexual deviant, a self-righteous proponent of the doctrines of demons in the world...one who was very vocal about self-justification and the justification of idolatries. My life was an absolute abomination, absolute high treason.
And I had no idea, whatsoever. I thought myself justified. I thought myself good.

I was full of deceits and delusions. Gladly so, in those days--even further mocking God by considering Him someone I did justice to per the ways of my existence, without any awareness whatsoever of quite how blasphemous was my every thought.

..and, yet, He had mercy on me. Even in the instances wherein death came, and I died...He called me to surrender rather than to destruction, and He spared me unto a further time as salvation. He spared me, He let me suffer so as to come to see my need for Him. And He allowed me to come to realization that I did need Him. He allowed me to know that He, Jesus Christ, is truth and the only Way. And He allowed me a yearning to search for Him, no matter the cost.

He placed those desires in me. He saved me. By grace, through faith. Seeking and calling upon His name.

But it wasn't of me. It was all Him...because I wouldn't have ever known, except that He gave me revelation.

I would have never repented, except that He allowed me to see the wretched depravity of my ways.

So, for Him to have mercy upon one so wretched as me? It's just such a statement upon how merciful He is. How exceedingly merciful.

To His glory.

So, we must all pray. We must all seek that He glorify Himself further and further in our own lives and in the lives of others.

Because He does so, for His name's sake. And His name, Jesus Christ, is holy and wonderful above all names--worthy of all praise is He, and always to be glorified.


I thank Him so much for keeping me in silence when otherwise my speech might bring offense.
He is so good. That, even as these all things aren't understood by me...I know that He knows all, and I trust Him to glorify Himself further in my life. And to glorify Himself in the lives of all those whom I pray for and whom I come to know. Because He is so faithful, and He is omnipotent, and He is good.

As His will, though, not by mine. His kingdom come, His will be done on earth as it is in heaven.

God bless you all.
And...again--the greatest blessing a Creator could ever bestow upon creation is to reveal Himself to the creature.
So, in praying blessing, I'm longing for Him to reveal Himself to you ever more clearly, nearly, and dearly. For each of us. That He may be always further glorified, as He is so glorious and worthy of all praise.

So, again--God bless you.