Just looking back for a moment.
So many things. He is so faithful. So faithful. The more time spent reading the Bible and praying, the more certain is that knowledge and the deeper the revelations of His truth and supremacy.
It's just something impossible to explain to someone unconverted, is all. I keep thinking back on all the things heard in churches and wondering why I'd never heard things would be as this, then realizing that it's quite likely some of what was attempted did try to relay the truth of this existence...just, without experience, it's impossible to even imagine.
Just like how, now, reading Scripture...there's witnessed such extensive interconnection, as to how concepts upon salvation are prevalent throughout, of how the Savior is spoken of throughout--sometimes loudly, sometimes in barest whisper...but, nonetheless.
All is sound for doctrine. Not pieces. All. It's all or none...even as there's such extensive breadth and wealth of meaning thereby as to exceed comprehension as a whole, simultaneous.
Off and on, over the years, just the idea of doctrine has continually frustrated. Something about how it effectively, generally creates division. ...although, now having come to learn more of some of the reformationists...division of a sort seems as though it was vital for survival of the Lord's Church.
Just...still...the idea that man's commentary on Scripture is what comprises doctrine...is ultimately absolutely perplexing. It seems somehow an odd thing, that we would interject ourselves between the Lord's word and His Holy Spirit, as interpreters...but, then, in order for there to have been such interpretation even possible is a work of the Spirit, of instances where interpretation is True. So, then, it could be a work of the Spirit just to have doctrine. Because it has helped, tremendously, to be able to listen to the words of those who have devoted their lives to the Lord, as to glean what may from their many years' worth of study, devotion, and interpretation through the Holy Spirit, as it's been shared.
That does help so much.
The Lord has made available such a wealth of means to seek and find Him, through so many of His servants. Even as doctrine.
...a view of doctrine, as that, was shared to me yesterday. That it exists as an attempt of man to draw nearer to God.
Well and good, when and if it's sought and found and utilized to that extent. So often, in my own past with the church, and in so much of what's observed...it more often seems to be a means of instituting contention unto subjugating others to one's own sense of correctness. Not for their sake, to truly assist per clarification of some sort--no. As a means of buoying one's sense of self through the subjugation of others.
Last night's mention of tearing Christians to shreds with verbal knives, truly in part, was a point which began prior to departing from the church--just part of spreading doctrine.
Correction between brothers and sisters is supposed to be gentle, when done...not as a course of defeating one another with words as weapons. So, it was wholly unwell and did just continue along as a perceived viable course for interaction into complete apostasy.
One step at a time, away.
How much less would it even take a person, now, with as sin-rife as all the whole modern society is, to forsake the church when controversy arises violently as verbal strife?
People don't generally even speak to anyone unless they have no choice but to do so as a course for meeting their self-interests, any longer. It absolutely breaks my heart, trying to talk openly with folks...even brothers and sisters, sometimes...and there's no willingness to even engage in a dialogue. And largely, most likely, because there's suspicion. People are suspicious of anyone who talks to them for no readily apparent reason. Unless they can see what a person is trying to get out of the exchange, from the outset, they're very unsettled and uncomfortable with the whole thing...even between so many in the Lord's Church, so oppressed by the world are some.
It always hurts, yeah, but no longer is something which oppresses. Except in the company of those who were discerned as true believers SECURE in the Lord, it wasn't even expected any longer for folks to be willing to speak...so very rare a thing, and always joyously experienced as received.
That's why there was such fear, last week, prior to arriving at the place of the Lord's Church. I was utterly terrified, given so many recent experiences where even folks who profess the Lord openly weren't willing to talk with me as a sibling in the Lord...given experiences, going to church, when no one will even speak to me...where, week before last, I was even locked outside after having been seen...and where folks regard me with nothing more than suspicion but ofttimes with outright fear and/or derision and/or anger/indignation...
...I was so afraid, knowing that this new place would surely be full of true believers, that even they would reject me.
Because it's all apparently supposed to be about vying for position, or about meeting one's own needs through others, or about...oh, I don't know...but, has so often just seemed that, for whatever reason--simply to fellowship with another believer, lifting up the Lord as a joint effort, edifying one another in Christ, sharing testimony to His power and glory and goodness...
...all that is, somehow, not something anyone has had patience nor security for.
So, yes...doctrine.
What doctrine must a person live by, that they can and always out-of-hand reject those who come to them?...those who come among them?...without even attempting fellowship in the Spirit?
And then to expect the Lord to move graciously among the congregation, still? ..to expect "revival," when folks coming amongst just for fellowship and growth in the Lord are rejected? ...or, put more bluntly, when the focus is given to self-preservation rather than to service of the Lord?
It absolutely confounds.
Which is why I'm so utterly perplexed by doctrine. ...so highly lauded, so proudly touted, hermeneutical correctness and ecumenical piety...all culminated within such heady result as ardent devotion to theological pursuits convey.
Is to study God to know Him, though?
Can someone truly find God in works of man?
...it's up to Him, ultimately, but wouldn't there ought be a good deal of consideration retained, as to remember He's not restrained to mere words and thoughts and commentary?
Not by any means.
Even as, seeking we're told we will find, and as we draw nearer to Him, He will draw nearer to us...it's just so very easy to wander into strange territory, even when so ardently pursuing the Lord, unless there's great caution and self-examination maintained throughout. Pride is a very, very, very nefarious temptation...so very sly...and quickly wrought, yet not so readily discerned nor discarded ordinarily.
It is a poison to all things which it touches, though.
And remains ever an ardent prayer to be maintained, that the Lord is so good as to examine my heart and mind and show me what needs to be destroyed and cast off, as to pursue His righteousness. I can't even know what bits of pride remain, except that He is so faithful and so good to reveal them to me, then to help me to divest myself of whatever still so rages.
The thing about getting rid of pride is that it hurts, usually. Humbling experiences work sort of a scouring upon the heart, ripping scabs away yet revealing healing...in the Lord's hands, at least. There's just...there's a rawness there, which comes. A renewed sensitivity which opens one's heart to further love and compassion--each of which, even, can be so very painful when suffering is witnessed.
But pride is a cancer, and it must go. Period. And precisely how it operates, too. Infecting just a small portion with abnormal growth unto lack of proper function, then spreading to other regions and infecting each the same...until the whole being is so corrupt as to be unable to function...as vital processes have been completely compromised by the foreign, toxic growth, which saps energy and drains resources unto itself without providing any benefit--draining and draining and draining, more and more and more...without adding benefit, except unto itself.
That is how pride works. It builds itself up, further and further and further, at the direct and increasing expense of beneficial processes...compassion, humility, love, joy...until it has sapped all vitality from any and all, seeking only to sustain and further promote itself.
And, yeah, maybe there are some who are only infected with it in particular areas...pride of self-reliance, pride of occupation, pride of knowledge, pride of possession/relationship, etc...and maybe it just plays itself out fully in that one area, without going into other regions.
Maybe someone is proud of their ability to provide for themselves no matter the odds (this was one of my big failings)...no matter what happens.. ..they are just so proud that they have always been able, no matter what it took, to overcome circumstances and thrive.
Two things that are abnegated by that course:
1) God is sovereign, supreme, and determines all things either by direct decree or by permission...belief in one's own ability, above all, is a direct affront to all these matters of being.
Self-idolatry is an abomination, as it glorifies self rather than God...which is absolutely and completely ridiculous. If a person succeeds, it is only as God has given grace that they may. All good derives from Him. ALL good, ultimately.
So, that sort of pride has first of all utterly corrupted one's ability to relate to God--it is a direct affront to His supremacy, and as such is utterly absurd. ...but, yeah. Rebellion.
So, number one, it's self-condemnation on the whole, as self-idolatry. Idolators have no place in heaven. Rev. 21:8 But for the cowardly and unbelieving and abominable and murderers and immoral persons and sorcerers and IDOLATORS and all liars, their part will be in the lake that burns with fire and brimstone, which is the second death."
To clarify that point, in case there's attempt to deny this as idolatry...let's look at what idolatry actually is (and, dunno if ya remember but it WAS and IS the first commandment, as not to have idols before the Lord--love Him with ALL within oneself, period):
a person who worships an idol or idols
Two words, then, to further consider:
Idol:
1 : a representation or symbol of an object of worship; broadly: a false god
3
: a form or appearance visible but without substance <an enchanted phantom, a lifeless idol — P. B. Shelley>
4
: an object of extreme devotion <a movie idol>; also : ideal2
5
: a false conception : fallacy
Worship (at its origin lies the most poignancy for truly grasping the essence of which it consists):
Old English weorthscipe ‘worthiness, acknowledgment of worth"
Consideration must be given in context of the whole idea of the Lord's commandment to love the Lord, our God, with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength. Period.
But...what does that look like? What does that feel like?
What does that propose itself, as life and as living in this world?
When you consider that there are two commandments which Jesus summed for us as comprising the whole of the law, in context of Him letting us know that those who are His keep His commandments. Because they love Him. Loving Him is the essence of what comes of being saved. Love. ...and this particular could be expounded quite a bit, as far as how the Lord explained that all which is His is from the Father, and that no one could come to the Father except through Him, and that to recognize Him is given only by the Father...that such love could come only by being His, truly. Such as, then, His commandments are written on our hearts, and we do seek to do them...we do desire, wholeheartedly to embody this love for Him in and by and through and among all things. Above all else.
Which is where idolatry comes in as being seen a completely foreign concept to this love for the Lord. Loving Him above all does yield further and further pursuit of Him, as He is infinite and supreme and transcendent... ...so, to be so unaware of His ultimate sovereignty as to assert one's own dominance over circumstances as a supreme act which is without compromise and without question?
There's no way for such a state of mind to exist, except that knowledge of the Lord is lacking. But, yet, if one professes knowledge of God...then, they would know His love, and love Him for so loving...as a natural course, so changed by such a love as to do..then, to seek further revelation of Him as to realize His supremacy..
The two cannot co-exist, is all. They are diametrically opposed to one another, by nature of what it means to actively experience each. Pride of life (in ANY capacity, degree, or manifestation) always opposes itself AGAINST God. By the very nature of what it is, given who God is and how He is, as He has gives us all to know.
So, first off...to be proud is to be in opposition to God, in sum. That's a BIG, BIG, horrendous thing.
2) A person cannot be proud of self without also beginning to judge others as lacking--pride itself implies there is an internal standard from which success (of any sort) has been, may be, and ought be measured. As the previously mentioned divergence unto self-regard yields unto opposition against God, merely per course of the consistence of all/any pride, further implication reveals the entire state of mind thus become rife with such faulty perspectives as this sort which yields judgment of others.
God is Truth. Jesus is Truth. So, being in any way opposed to the Lord entails opposition to Truth, in varied capacities...meaning one has given place to false perceptions. The spirit of delusion which the Lord said He would give to those who would not receive Him, in a way...
1 Thessalonians 2
10And with all deceivableness of unrighteousness in them that perish; because they received not the love of the truth, that they might be saved. 11And for this cause God shall send them strong delusion, that they should believe a lie: 12That they all might be damned who believed not the truth, but had pleasure in unrighteousness.
Such flagrant rejection of truth means one has rather desired a lie. Period.
The Lord God is accommodating of those who desire lies--He allows folks to embrace lies, and in keeping with the extent of their desire to reject truth, even allows them to fully embrace lies as they desire...by way of the spirit of delusion which permeates the world, at this point.
Pride, though, having pride in one's ability to survive...implies, innately, that there's a point of measurement as there are standards for gauging success or failure, in order for there to have been a conception of "survival," these things are implied. And the Lord allows a person to believe these fallacies, to the extent they are desired beyond someone desiring knowledge of the Lord and pursuit of Him as is within the commandment to love Him.
Just...there's nothing which comes, except that the Lord gives or allows it. Period. So, He is all there is, of success. To take on the stance that a person, instead, is capable or making or breaking? It completely ignores His sovereignty, subverting it ignobly beneath a sense of personal aptitude. What blasphemy, really!
All the glory is His, no one else's. Any success is from Him, just as any defeat has been allowed by Him. Seeking Him is the only blessing truly known in this world of fear, faithlessness, and delusion...
...just, He's worthy. He has done all good, and is good, and is faithful. And has provided such grace as mercy unto all, even for having created life in each of us and potential to find Him, should any seek. But He won't be mocked. He will NOT be mocked. And so much of what modern society, apparently worldwide, is about...at core operation...is ultimately a mockery of God. Such blasphemy as that nations are sovereign, individuals are sovereign, and that we all deserve the chance to succeed.
We deserve nothing. Prior to beginning to rebel against God in thought and act, as a child even--every act against authority, against a parent, is a scornful taunt against the Creator of all, as all authority ultimately has proceeded from Him...
...but prior to beginning rebellion, even, we did not deserve life.
We did not deserve such a gracious gift as even to breath soundly.
Nothing warrants a sound birth. Nothing warrants any good thing...except that the Lord, in His goodness and righteousness...in His wisdom and exceeding graciousness...decided to create, for His pleasure and for His own glory.
But that still doesn't mean that man deserves goodness. Just that the Lord, in His goodness, created man for His own purpose.
And, given that His thoughts are so much higher than ours, and His ways so much higher...who can know what the Lord's purpose is, has been, or will be?
No one, except that He's told us, bits and pieces revealed through His word and through His Son and ever by His Holy Spirit.
No one can know, except that the Lord reveals whatsoever He chooses to reveal. And, even then, understanding will only ever extend as far as is His will for it to do...for, even if He were willing to show the all, we are all constrained from understanding by the very nature of our being enmeshed yet within time-space.
Just...pride is such blasphemy. It perverts the truth, making an idol of man. And any man who bears pride has a completely distorted view of himself, thus has a distorted view of everything.
It's just not possible to have such a core fault as to blaspheme the Lord, ongoing, and to have any true bearing in truth. The two are just so innately opposed--both cannot coexist, without one overwhelming the other ultimately..then, pushing the other out of all recognition.
The world doesn't know truth, because it has rejected truth. The Lord, in His good wisdom, supplanted that rejection with a state of mind which cannot then recognize truth.
It's heart-breaking, really. Knowing He is good, even as He is sovereign, that people reject Him out-of-hand...they mock Him and refute His existence even...when all the heavens proclaim His glory, and the firmaments exist as His magnificent handiwork.
It has to be very, very humbly considered: Would you not, then, being so grievously, erroneously rejected--while being nonetheless good, omnipotent, omniscient, absolutely sovereign, righteous, loving, and altogether holy...allow people then, who so scorn and mock and blaspheme, even as to ignore existence...wouldn't you then firmly allow them not to even recognize that you exist?
I can't entirely comprehend it. It's just too much for me.
But in some of the places I've been where some of the church activities have been entirely unholy, and I've internally screamed and pleaded as to be allowed to just redirect to Jesus...to remind them of the sanctity and the grace and the glory and the wonder and the love and the joy of Him who so saves!!!...one thing that's come, in being restrained from doing so...is that they can have what they will.
And, even as that's so...that they're caught up in one trap or another, not even realizing they've not sought God but have sought some distraction...in seeing it, there can be intercessory prayer.
And there must be. Because it's only by grace to be observing and not actively mired. Not for my benefit, but for His glory.
Period.
But, there were two things in the midst of this last one point as to how pride so derails...
First off, no one deserves good. No one deserves life.
God was self-sufficient and wholly satisfied prior to creation. He has no need of any of us. He has no fulfillment in us which adds anything to Him. Merely, from what's been read...it's been taken that He decided to create, as manifestation of His glory. (He saw that it was good, yeah.)
And He's always known everything. Always. No one can search His understanding. Period. For He knows all things that have always been and are and will ever be. He knows them. Intimately. He is the creator of anything which comes, so all which will ever be has already been decreed as directed or permitted.
To manifest His glory. Then, to manifest His glory even as to make Himself known to His creation, in some capacity which utterly exceeds logic and reason and even human comprehension, as such a very foreign concept from anything which we ever have or could know.
But He didn't need to do any of it. There was no need. Nothing was deserved. Nothing had purpose to be done, aside of that He decided to do it, and who can know His thoughts?
None of us.
So, this pervasive idea that people deserve to be happy, that they deserve to be well, that they deserve to live in peace...? All of it's blasphemy(: the act or offense of speaking sacrilegiously about God or sacred things; profane talk.;; sacrilege: violation or misuse of what is regarded as sacred. Middle English: via Old French from Latin sacrilegium, from sacrilegus ‘stealer of sacred things,’ from sacer, sacr- ‘sacred’ + legere ‘take possession of.’)
It utterly ignores God's sovereignty, in other words, and by doing so simultaneous with vociferously asserting man's worthiness of good?...it blasphemes by way of ideological subversion of His holy supremacy.
Just...there's so much...all in this world, now, which completely refutes even the existence of sanctity, of holiness, of the Lord. Only by grace can any come free of it. As has been.
There's nothing good in any of us, is all. Nothing good, except for what work He does, in those whom He calls and chooses.
It's entirely and supremely and exclusively His prerogative and by His design and within His will, and no amount of complaint nor disagreement nor ignorance nor derision nor uncertainty on anyone's part amounts to anything. Period. Because He is He who created and who designs and decrees and allows and who has mercy upon whom He wills. Period.
We cannot know why He created some who would refuse Truth. I'd read it or heard it said that perhaps, in making possible that there were those who would warrant then suffer wrath, He is just further displaying how great is His mercy...that there are those whom He does save.
He created. And He created, knowing. And He created some with innate ability to fall from grace. His authority over all, in His sovereign will, made for those who would be capable of falling from grace. We all know of those from the heavenlies who fell, for whom there is no salvation.
We know of the fall of mankind, as well, and of the mercy shown in yet making way for reconciliation to God..
..but it's Him who has mercy, even to draw anyone to salvation.
Just...since having really meditated on this for the past many weeks, praying and reading...that was an initially very disheartening thought, so far as desire to see more reconciled, saved by grace of the Gospel, the Lord Jesus Christ, Immanuel, crucified as propitiation for our sins, buried, and risen again on the third day, ascending to the Father in heaven, forever to reign.
...wanting so desperately to find ways to share that Gospel and to witness to the mercy He's shown, to testify to His glory...
...realizing that only when He draws, are any brought to Jesus, to salvation.
Yet, He uses the foolish to confound the wise, as much as anything. And all things are His. And He can and will do howsoever He wills, even if donkeys should speak as to exhort men...
...so, still.
It's just a matter of realizing that no matter what's done, no matter how ardent the desire to share the Gospel, there's nothing anyone can do to save another. No amount of proselytizing. No amount of preaching. No amount of evangelizing. No amount of pleading, rationalizing, begging, or apologizing.
None of that can save a single soul.
Only God can.
Only He will.
And, should He ever choose to use the words of self or any of us, so as to draw anyone to Christ...it will truly not be of any of us. For only He can do that.
men cannot save. we stand condemned, except for those whom the Lord has had such mercy as to draw nigh to Himself and save through His great work.
man has condemned himself, is all, through a lifetime of rebellion. and through an ongoing propensity to ignore or undermine the magnificence and glory and supremacy and sovereignty of God. He IS worthy of praise, for being who He is. Period.
He is due ALL glory. And to give glory, to markably appreciate, anything else? ...a disservice to God.
All good ultimately comes from Him, even as many are blessed to receive. Thank Him, not others--bless them, instead, in the name of the Lord. Giving thanks to others tends to feed pride, honestly.
And I've been struggling with that, lately, because it's difficult not to thank people--they expect praise for what they perceive as good works, and when it's not forthcoming, there sometimes arises indignation and offense. Last week, though, it became clear that...merely saying thank you to a person while meaning it as spoken to the Lord is...deceptive, and not well-fitting. Plus, again--it still feeds pride.
Praying blessings upon them, though...? Yeah. And that idea was actually witnessed in action by the director of a recent film come unto the "Christian" world, rather controversial, by the director who intro'd it with a vast bit about how difficult it is being in a position in the world wherein folks expect to glorify you egregiously...but that the glory is God's...and rather, to bless people, than to thank them. It sat very well, to see that. Very well.
But it hadn't become something which seemed pertinent, until these past couple months. The whole "clapping during service"-style worship, in some churches. It just got to the point where there wasn't a way to do it without feeling as though something wrong was being done...and, so stopped, or only did so while looking to the heavens and vocally thanking the Lord, yet quietly, simultaneous.
Because there's something inherently wrong in praising folks when they're purporting to praise God. And any bit of perversion which would make it so that they desire praise...is one which is fearful. Pride.
Only so very well known, for having so grievously experienced it, firsthand...and by the grace of the Lord, delivered. With ongoing deliverance, as it yet seeks to creep in so oft, in so many ways, by so many varied means.
Always, always examine oneself. Otherwise hypocrisy is apt to set in, and that...is very fearful. Very. And it was traipsed even just this past week, on my part, unbeknownst until revealed and repented. Still walking very carefully, knowing how easily fallen into these pits are...
Hypocrisy, though...according to the Greek term used in Matthew 22:13, its root words are
"Middle voice from ὑπό (G5259) and κρίνω(G2919)"...hypo and krinō (to judge, etc.).
While it basically equates to presentation of a false front--acting while purporting to be...it's been crossing my mind in terms, these past couple days, of how Paul advised necessity to examine oneself daily. With hypo- having medical connotation of "insufficient" or "below normal"...and hypocritical seeming then, at least in English (definitely not etymological)...'critical'...which, yes, is a judgment of sorts--a weighing, moreso examination...
...it has just been wondered that the term itself seems to point to a lack of self-examination, as cause for condition--insufficient self-examination. Which, as the term itself was originally used to describe actors, the superficiality of persona yet ascribed to the present meaning still holds true to the entire of this conjecture.
Words of warning to myself, as much as to any who would be concerned.
All, words of warning to myself as much as to any who might find whatsoever the Lord wills.
It helps to cement the gravity of how grievously yet easily error had ever been fallen into, to openly relay what's come from deliverance from the all.
..even as it serves as a reminder that, lest care is taken to remain in the Lord...how easily to fall prey again to the rest. But by grace, even as to do what need be to abide in Christ...but by grace, then even to know such as vital necessity and pray continually the awareness is constant and remains so, evermore.
...well, that just completely took on a life of its own.
Okay, so. The second thing, what-with pride of life in terms of a person taking pride in their ability to survive/thrive:
In coming so to judge, by some erroneous internal gauge, all perspective of self and other then becomes skewed. Judgment of others comes into play, per course even of judging self (not "examining"--judging unto condemnation or justification)...
...and there will then be those who are judged as found wanting, according to one's fallacious standards. What, then? Will there be compassion, as ought, for someone suffering in some capacity?...for someone in bondage of some sort?...for someone perceived then as performing at a lesser level, will there be understanding?
Or will there be annoyance and prideful arrogance asserting that they are not doing as they "should be" given how well you're able to live by your own standards? "You've tested them as true in your own situation, so shouldn't they then apply to everyone?"-becomes the theme. Especially in those instances where the particular modes of thought are ones which are largely societally derived or founded (even if founded upon opposition to those precepts of society, they are still thus directly sourced from society as founded upon a relativistic stance).
So, then, where is the love? If everyone is ever just comparing and contrasting themselves to one another, where does love come in, from whence can it spring?
Only from God.
But, again--pride exists in diametric opposition to God.
To whatever extent it does hold court in a person's being, then so are they thus opposed to the Lord. And that...is a very fearful thing, to me. Knowing how tenuous is restraint from pride, as temptation is yet succumbed to...moment to moment, time and again.
Always, always absolutely terrifying and mortifying, so to then note it's happened.
Just...must continue to pray and read. And probably not keep blog windows open for 24 hours, going back and forth between all things else and writing...unto ridiculously long bits of writing.
Everything we need to know rests in God. He has given His Word, that we might know the truth and be set free. We must dwell there. We must rest there. We must return, always return, to the Bible for more truth, for deeper revelation of God.
And if ever a day comes when no Bible can be held, then the Lord will provide as is necessity--His grace is always sufficient. In the meantime, all the more just to led His word dwell richly within us--read, study, pray. His law, written on our hearts. His word, living within.
God bless you all.
I pray there comes a deeper revelation of Him, still, that we may each continue to know Him more nearly and dearly in each progressive moment, so as to glorify His name in all we say and do. Oh, that the Lord would be glorified in all we are!
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