Resolve.

Today has just been too absolutely wonderful--the Lord is so good!

=)

I got to spend a few hours with believers who are so much more mature in their faith than me. Given recent sermons which have been such a blessing, unto conviction and edification and direction--praise the Lord!!!--the thought had crossed my mind, upon discovery that one fellow's home church is within driving distance...as to go. Because, as thought ran, surely there were more mature believers there, for such messages as have proceeded from/through one who claims the church.

Much prayer, much prayer.

Admittedly, I failed to completely restrain emotions prior to going, bringing all thoughts and emotions into subjection...and there had been first great enthusiasm, then great dread unto terror.

Enthusiasm as concerned the prospect of being amongst mature believers, so as to learn more of Him. Then, thought ran to realization that the entirety of the experience had to be about being in the Presence of the Lord, not as to others.
Then, concern that other believers would reject me, as has so often happened in so many places, given that I'm still so...flawed.

It terrified me to think of the judgment come down through others. I'm trying. I'm seeking the Lord, with all that is and in all, and yet there are still so many things which just aren't wholly conformed.

Just acknowledging that is so very humiliating. But it's true. I am in so desperate need of further transformation, even as so much already has fallen away. So much. So, so much. Delivered by His mighty grace...

There are still so many things, though. And I don't want to be so, not at all. It utterly frustrates me to still be so tempted, and to still give in, and every time there's a battle, there's a further cry to the Lord.
Reading the Bible helps so much. Prayer helps so much.

Yet, without being totally cloistered from the world, I have no idea how to completely evade all it's many-tempered instances of temptation unto influence. Unto impatience, periodically. Unto pride, periodically. Unto lack of discretion, often unfortunately...so it seems?

Just...I don't even know, and so keep praying for further revelation of my heart and mind unto deliverance. Unto His merciful cleansing through whatsoever is meet. Repentance, further...longing for it, just to know what else need be.

Being around other believers, though, all that stuff passed entirely from my mind for such a while. And my interaction was far from being the epitome of Christian decorum and being...but, even so, they didn't rashly denounce me, as has been so oft encountered. Rather, there are so many gentle and wholly heartfelt words which were shared that can now, yet, be considered and prayed upon...digested for import and direction within the loving Presence of the Lord.

It was so like...just being with Him. In ways. Because nothing is like being with Him, even never having experienced His direct and full Presence...it's known... ...yet, still, there was a holiness and sanctification in blessing of such a fellowship as wholly praised His name and glorified Him, in all.

The whole was beyond anything ever experienced, aside of just...extended communion with the Holy Spirit.

For just a moment, while singing to the Lord as a congregation...it just struck me so deeply to have realization that there was such a common sincerity as that it was...oh..

...no one sought to rise above the other. No one voice sought to overwhelm another.

All just sought to praise, together. And as a prayer to His glory, to His majesty, to His wonder, to how deep and great is His love, and to how faithful He is and how merciful, that we who are saved do rely upon Him totally...knowing Him to be our only refuge.

Nothing crass, nothing harsh, nothing which sought to stir emotions beyond as to give praise to Jesus, so holy and great a Lord.

Nothing I could say can ever do justice to how wonderful He is, and neither can it to anything in which He has truly worked...it's all just too far beyond the ability to even imagine, let alone to comprehend.

People talked to me. They really, sincerely spoke to me. The women did. Women never do, ordinarily. Ordinarily, they won't even look at me without derision, let alone to speak kindly and sincerely, and even to invite me to speak.

It has all just shown how great is His love. How encompassing His grace. How glorious He is.

And, along the course of prayer in returning away, has in some wise instilled a fresh resolve to see Him so glorified amongst those here, too.

Even as there may be nothing aside of prayer to suffice unto that end, still--He'll guide me.

Unto obedience, even, which is so very necessary.
There were a few things in which I erred, today, as of disclosure...and I burn in shame for it, now, while seeking for correction unto deeper repentance. So as not to err likewise, again, if He would be so gracious as to allot such a deliverance.

His grace is supreme, so I hope...knowing He's faithful to provide.

It's been crossing my mind that there needs to be something done hereabouts, too, but no idea what.

Maybe just...well, no idea.

Have to keep praying. That's all, for now.

I just...I don't know if it's too bold, to say some things. I don't know. It's difficult to even do so, most times. And I don't know.

Just...if the Lord wants me to become completely silent in all things, then amen. Whatever is His will. It doesn't matter to me, so long as it's His will.

There just seems to still be some need to further disclose. And maybe that has something to do with not yet having anyone in the physical to whom I can be accountable? I don't know.

Just...if there's no one to whom I can talk, at present, who will objectively listen and pay attention to what the Lord's will would be, rather than my own things...in areas where I'm still unaware of incomplete obedience...

...well, that just takes me back to feeling rather off-put at myself to so questioning what all the Lord has done, as though He would begin to fail me. He won't. He never has, He never will.

So, whatever be His will. He will continue to guide and instruct and teach and conform and...all things good and necessary.

There are just SOOOOOO MANY THINGS>

Seriously.

Most of which I can't talk about, given that they're too much in progress. I refuse to openly acknowledge them as to even give that much worth--they're done, it's over, victory is the Lord's, and I'm seeking Him, so know that freedom is mine, through and by and in Him.

Still no idea what to do, regarding this past week's church. That church and one other.

They are so loved...just, being in the midst is beyond capability, now. I can't go and laugh about things which aren't well. Neither to go and laugh about things which are of such absolute importance.

Same as...I'm not sure whether it's okay to wear my necklace at this new church. I know what it means to me...both completely devastating and wholly humbling. And utterly, utterly sacred. Refuge. My only refuge.

But, just seeing it...there's no certainty that others would see it so. And there's the potential that some are at a point in their walk with the Lord where it may just be too much. Understandably.

Goodness knows, some of the things which are mine...some of the things which I do and have...are just so utterly...beyond the pale of what some Christians could suffer to see...

...yet, they've been points of refuge, for me. Like my t-shirts. With Bible verses and such. It's pretentious and presumptuous and arrogant, on the one hand, to wear such things...but it's always been a point of terror to me, to publicly acknowledge Christ as my Savior in the midst of savages...so, it's become a dual-point of both silent witness as I've been growing bolder in the Spirit, even as it's been a shield.

My only refuge is in Jesus, and anything which attacks me has to go through Him. So, for something to attack, I know He's with me, and I take solace in having visible reminder. Which...perhaps just attests to how weak my walk is.

The car the Lord has allowed me to steward has increasingly become a point of witness. And I've been praying so much about being an effective witness, according to His will. The car, though...is absolutely...obnoxious.

Seriously.

I think that word actually came out...either of me or the salesman at the dealership, in regard to it.

It is...it's obnoxious. It cannot be ignored.

And people who ask about it get to hear about how gracious the Lord has been to me, in increasingly specific and compelling detail as the days progress. Which...that's just one of those things. I'm not very good at witnessing. I'm not good at proclaiming the Gospel, but try and keep trying and keep praying and will continue to grow in the Lord so as to be able to better proclaim the Gospel to all and sundry.

Because the questions continue. And my step-mom gave me her idea for a custom plate. An "Amazing Grace" reference which could certainly seem crass, except for there being sincerity.
And increasing brokenness as to the truth of it.

Just, between the car itself and the plate, I was so afraid even of being rejected for that. Because it has the appearance of being quite exceedingly bold, even as the wording on the plate is public confession.

So, yeah. I don't understand it. It's utterly beyond me why those things were even permitted, and yet they were.

And are.

And...I don't understand.

Just as...I don't understand the people around me, and sometimes in confusion end up making fast judgments out of frustration, impatience, fear, and so on. Not well done, no.

Not at all.

So many things. So very gauche.
So very, very gauche.

That has to change.