Though We Fail, He Prevails

Yeah. So the attacks continue. Unto one last night which tried to convince me that, since sin is not eradicated I may as well give up on seeking or waiting upon God's will and just admit to being every bit the wretch ever I was. Witchcraft, idolatries, rebellions of all sorts, and just general lasciviousness inclusive. Because why try. Because I just can't. Because it's not in me to be perfect. And because...oh, what were the other insinuations and reasonings proffered? Things about essence, where if ever there is an inclination to any sin, and especially if ever a temptation failed, then it should serve as indication there's been no change at core.

And for just a moment or two, I was overcome. Felt defeat. Felt to surrender and just give into believing all the things. But in the midst of that temptation, two things came to mind. And I can't quite remember which was first, now. One was of desire to attempt another conversation with one of my best friends from before, to again plead truth, to again discuss who Jesus is, who we are, what that means, what our need is. And it came down to remembering the last conversation, a year ago. Hearing all the things that were every bit so much of who I was and being shocked and grieved and simultaneously despairing and rejoicing. Shocked both because of horror at the lack of hope, the inclination to do all and sundry for a momentary peace, fleeting...but also simultaneously seeing much of who and how I was, realizing the disparity to now. Grieved also along these same lines, and despairing of the inability to cross that divide or to bring her across into the truth of Jesus's saving power and will to salvage what's been corrupted and lost in turning away from and against Him, against God. Grieved to know the desolation, to hear it, and yet to simultaneously be flagrantly confronted with unwillingness to even hear truth, let alone consider it. Despairing not to be in a position to force or compel conversion. But gratefully conceding to the Lord's sovereignty, as unto solemnly and silently giving great thanks for His mercy on me, while yet pleading with Him for her. Rejoicing in Him. While despairing of the distance evidenced.

And of particular, thoughts turned from remembrance of that to asking the Lord whether a different approach to the conversation might be permissible and fruitful. Of striving to establish the horror of rebellion by seeking to gain commiseration against the originator of lies. But being reminded very clearly that the only thing to be evidenced along that path would be truth of sympathy on that front. Unto further evidencing the fact of despising God by sympathizing with those most opposed, outright and as an evidence of solidarity. Rather than unto highlighting the horror of sin.

The whole of which was a ridiculous and utterly wretched consideration, of this lattermost. Unwillingness to consider the truth of God is conscious, concerted rebellion against His sovereignty. So there's nothing for it except He soften the heart and convert. Hating God is hating God, and apart from realizing the truth of how horrible sin is, in light of realizing the implications of His being perfectly good and loving and perfectly just...unto the realization that wrath is deserved and due...and realizing, further, that there's forgiveness through Christ, unto reconciliation, salvation, and conformity to God's will, through justice and mercy. By grace. Apart from that, what is there?

Coming to the Father through the Son. By His Holy Spirit

And I remember being unyielded. I remember despising Him. I remember resenting the truth of Jesus's sovereignty, and being surprised to be shown the vehemence. Appalled at how deeply I resented the truth of His sovereignty and what that means, of my life and my being. I am His. We all are. He created. He owns. Period.

And we'll all come to terms with that, here and now through Christ unto redemption, or hereafter as our rejection evidences judgment. Either way, we'll all bow. Period.

But I was very clearly shown, again, the divide there. And no matter how I might despair of myself and my sin, there's no life apart from Him. Period. Just isn't possible.

And secondarily, the peace of His presence became "loud" in the silence of my despair. And I was reminded I'm not alone. He is with me. And those in whom His Spirit dwells, with whom He has made a home, are His. And He made it very clear that nothing and no one can snatch us away. Period. He will bring every rebel power into subjection.

If I was capable of conquering sin...if any of us were, in our own strength and by our own inclinations...He would not need have done as He did. Entering humanity, overcoming temptations--all temptations such as we are ever tempted--being rejected, mocked, counted as afflicted by God, dying a sinner's death--enduring wrath reserved for all of us, entering even death. And overcoming it all. Resurrecting. He laid His life down and He picked it up again. He said He was given that. And He did it. Then went to be with the Father, sending His Holy Spirit to be with us all, until the end. Ever after, then.

Convicting of truth, righteousness, sin, and the wrath to come. Guiding, instructing, reminding, and giving us speech as He sees fit, even unbeknownst. Witnessing of our adoption as sons. A present assurance of our acceptance in Christ, before the Father. Bearing witness within of His identity to us and of our identity in Him.

And He reminded. So it's in His hands. He's capable.
And none of us are tempted except as what's common. Yet what's shown in the dark, we are to proclaim in the light. And comfort as we're comforted. So, there's all that.

This world is so strange. So many tricksy things. Every little bit, on all sides, seeks to distract from the kingdom. From the truth. But He reminds. And He keeps what's been committed to Him, to the end. He is the author and perfecter of our faith. And He completes the work He begins.

We can know this. He's made record and preserved it.
I am so grateful for His Word. For Him.

He will line me out. He is doing so. And will continue. And that's enough.
I don't need to understand. I don't have to do anything except rest in Him, trust Him, and keep my eyes on Christ, my redeemer and friend. He leads one step at a time, one act at a time, one moment at a time. Because He lives, I can face tomorrow. And each moment in between, trusting Him for whatever comes.

Not because I'm capable, but because He is. And He's good. And kind. And loving. And disciplines those whom He loves, ever so mercifully. In God I trust, in whom I rest.

Whatever comes or goes. My Shepherd is good. Faithful. And He overcame. 

Songs: Bless the Lord, Empty My Hands, The Struggle, I Have This Hope, Here's My Heart

One Step at a Time, That's All

Coming through so many things right now. A place of further surrender and trust.

One thing the Lord has made increasingly vital over course of the past many months is that there comes a point where trusting Him is known and realized as the only actual option for proceeding. Up to a certain point of surrender--seeking His guidance and depending upon Him--there's still easy possibility of conjuring up ideas of "self-sufficiency" and "independent ability to perceive what's necessary."

Put another way, walking with Him--walking in surrender and dependence, needing His help for every step--past a point the waters are too deep except to just keep one's eyes on Jesus or otherwise completely be overwhelmed in the sea and by the waves. Walking with Him at the shoreline, comparatively, there's still a sense of security in self--there's awareness that if eyes are taken off of Christ, the depths are perhaps ankle or knee deep and possible to walk through without divine intervention. Which...is misguided, a misunderstanding of the state of the world's fallenness, at core.

Really, what's then "stood upon" is the delusions which previously held sway. Not a solid or steady foundation as "ground." But a return to the delusions rife in all the world--perhaps played out in varying ways, to varying degrees and per varied expression, yet fundamentally the same--arisen per perceived self-reliance apart from God. Worshipping the creature rather than Creator, given over to the delusions preferred.

Point being, whether walking with Jesus along the shoreline or upon the sea at its greatest depths, the only place of solidity and security and safety and direction is of keeping one's eyes and heart and mind focused on Him. Period.

Yet, He keeps us. Those who are His. He directs us in paths of righteousness for His name's sake. Not as a public showing, either. But as a matter of His own integrity. He doesn't have to prove Himself in front of others. He has, already: He created this world and ordained its order and the generation of each and every one to ever exist. He is His own proof. Self-replete. We are the ones who aren't complete in and of ourselves. We're only complete as we're restored to right relationship with Him. And that, by the grace of Christ's work on the cross and resurrection, is a work He has ordained to be enacted over the course of each our lives as we walk with Him in and into eternity.

In, given that if we know Him we exist in Him--joined to Him spiritually, having died with Him on the cross. To know Him is to have eternal life. So we are seated with Him in heaven, even as we're still walking out our lives in the flesh here, too. Learning of Him, along the while. Learning trust, learning to rejoice in the midst of absolute turmoil and grief. Learning surrender in the midst of heartache and loss and devastation. Learning humility under the weight of misrepresentation, misunderstanding, and persecutions. Learning love and compassion along the while of being mistreated, abused, betrayed, and abandoned. Learning to live for Him, alone, in the midst of temptations on all sides to seek our own and to seek that which the world touts as utmost necessity to basic survival, or otherwise to die.

It's not a matter of giving up, though there is surrender to Christ and giving up in His direction. But it's a matter of learning to love Him, having come to love Him more than life and everything in this world. Just to long to love Him more. Trusting Him to direct, instruct, correct, guide, and provide whatever is necessary. Even as with Paul, who was without food, shelter, and even clothing at times, still recognizing the prosperity possessed in Christ and trusting Him to provide and direct to whatever is necessary at the times needed. Even as through work. Even as through receiving. Even as through unexpected provisions of goods and needs, by means which make sense only in context of realizing our God is the one who truly owns everything which exists. He may not call it all for collection at every moment of every day, but it is all His. Period.

So wading through, now, ankle deep but kept aloft by His love. Confusions still swim around me, but I know my God will restore me to where He would have me be. And I will wait upon His mercies, though I still flail a bit and flounder. Except that He holds me suspended, still, I'd have many times had the waters come and stay above my head. Though my gaze wanders, then, seeking purchase in the midst of circumstances which are beyond anything I can handle solitarily--battles within, difficulties surrounding, and so much which is unknown and painful--yet, still, He grasps my hand and pulls me back from sinking entirely. He is with us in the storm. Even if He comes walking alongside and somewhat veiled in the midst of the fog, still He's there. Always. Bidding us come, walk with Him. One step at a time. Just onward.

Trust Under Fire

Just going to trust the Lord. And if I have to remember that, consciously, and state it aloud continually as part of the process, from here until departing this mortal frame...so be it, if that's what it takes. Because anxiety gets so loud, trying to usurp acknowledgement of who God is. He rules. Literally. He presides. He is sovereign, all-powerful, majestic Creator and Sustainer of the entirety of all which is. My Jesus is to be feared and worshipped. And He is good. And He loves me. And He keeps me. And He is faithful to keep me, to direct me, to deliver me, and to instruct me. He gives me what I need, even when what I need is to lack comfort and wellness and other things which I want, just so as to be drawn nearer to Him. Howsoever goes. 

He knows my needs better than I do. Period. And I trust Him. 

I'm scared and confused and feeling so many things that utterly terrify me, quite frankly. But He knows every bit of it and I trust Him. And that's that. 

So although I fear, I will continue to trust in Him and will trust Him to silence my fears. I do believe, and I trust Him to help my unbelief what lingers as to allow room for anxieties and doubts to gain any foothold. 

For a moment tonight, though, on the way home...He allowed me to realize how much differently the same fears of a year ago sit, now. There's a security in Him and a knowledge of Him which is louder than those fears, by a much greater margin now. It's not that fears aren't still attempting to completely overwhelm, but He's let me live in situations where I've been utterly overwhelmed, utterly overcome, absolutely incapable, completely devastated, totally terrified, and despondent...again and again, to increasing degree of severity, for the past three years. And each time surrendering the fears, the abject incapacitation, the utter incapabilities, and sheer lack of strength, heart, will, and mind to even so much as move (out of bed, to work, to whatever)...each time, He's lifted my head ever so tenderly and led me so very gently forward. So very gently done. Even without my then-present realization of ever beginning to move, to act, to speak, to go forward. Yet, He has done it. Again and again. And is doing it now. 

So these fears: All the vast dark world pressing in from all sides, and all the strangeness yet within and from without seeking hold to gain rule over my heart, and the grief of witnessing such brokenness in the world, and the terror of realizing depravity and delusions abounding (even amplified to realize myself once thusly enthralled, alongside)...

...and it is all utterly and completely and totally incapacitating. But He's walked me through incapacitation so often (like...every day since I've known Him, to varying degrees of awareness of the severity of my condition as sin-sickened human, yet forgiven, serving God in a broken, hostile world)...it's not as large. In comparison to Him, I mean. In comparison to me...it's still like an ant staring down Saturn. But the One in whom all things consist holds me. He's much bigger, much stronger, much more capable, and He's perfectly good, and He loves me. Unflinchingly. Unfailingly. Unfalteringly. Eternally. So I'm safe. Whatever "gets through" to me is only because He's allowed it to do so for particular reasons which are good. 

And in the midst of looking at some of what may come, in terms of ongoing heartbreak and devastation...then, still: I trust Him and I will trust Him. He gives me strength to do so. He has given me ability to do so, by revealing Himself faithful and good and loving and kind. He has given me desire to do so, by continually changing my heart. 

So, that's enough. Though I may despair of life again, for the depths of pain...again and again these past few years, He's shown me that in those moments He carries me. Because I can't even move at those points. He's carrying me now, or I wouldn't be able to praise Him. He is so kind to greet me in the mornings, lift my head all the day, and speak peace to my spirit in the midst of utter turmoil and grief. I love Christ beyond words. He is my reason for living. I don't want to live, except for loving Him. 

I despaired of that reality, the first while of finding such peace and hope and love and purpose in Him. Thinking it must not be good to be so dependent on Him for the will to live. Thinking at some point, He'd step back and let me fall flat on my face without sustaining me with His Presence as to continue affording the desire to live, outright. I was so afraid He would let me fall, because it was necessary to find my own strength and will to live. Because I thought it surely must be an expectation that I needed to attain to a position of self-sufficiency and not rely on Him for absolutely everything in order just to function with a bare semblance of normalcy. The depths of my despair and despondency are so great, except that He satisfies each with fulfillment, joy, peace, and love in Himself. But I used to think He wouldn't want me to be so dependent on Him. 

I'm glad I was wrong. Because the more I've come to know Him, find strength in Him, and depend upon Him, the more I've come to need Him and be dependent upon Him for even far more than I'd conceived as being my need. So if He weren't faithful, if He weren't good, if He weren't loving, if He weren't long-suffering, patient, and kind toward me...I would be and would have been utterly destroyed so many times over, already, again. Only crushed beyond anything I'd ever previously known. Because the depth of devastation seems always to deepen with the depth of trust, the depth of love, the depth of hope, the extent of belief. And the more I've come to know Him, the more I've come to trust, love, hope in, and believe in Him. So that everything I am is wrapped up in Him, in trusting, loving, hoping, and believing in and upon Him. No one else is capable of even remotely approaching ability to provide for these needs. Christ, alone. 

That is what scares me so much of people, is the tendency to begin to trust, love, hope, and depend upon others to apparent degrees. And I don't know what is right and what isn't--I don't have good examples, and I don't understand what I read in Scripture of how these things work. Or maybe it's all always broken, given the "bear with one another in love." I don't know. And it scares me. I don't want to compromise anything of my relationship with Jesus, at all. Period. But I don't know how to be close to others, either. 
He will help. I know He will. Because He loves me. And because He doesn't intend for me to live in isolation. Apparently. Surprisingly. 

So, I'm scared. But I trust Him. And I will trust Him. And...that's all. 

And now...I'm exhausted. A few more minutes awake with Him, then sleep. 

Temptations and Grace

Things are still strange. Been enduring utterly absurd temptations. Concurrently being regularly assaulted by fears, anxieties, and attempts to get bitterness to root in my heart. Still grieving so many things, and it seems like something unexpected further breaks every week. I can't even remember each of the things from the past couple months, anymore, there's been such an onslaught. One thing right after another. And direct attacks don't help, thus the more to grieve, crying mercy.

Everybody...all of us...we're so ravaged by sin. It abounds. How much a mercy it is that grace much more abounds.

The newest and most absurd (yet, perhaps) in the list of recent temptations was yesterday. Talking about my relationship with Jesus and how He keeps me and corrects me and comforts me and provides and how He's shown Himself so faithful (as He has said He is, in His word) time and time again. And getting response from one of Mormon religion in like kind, regarding his god's faithfulness and miraculous provisions. And it became very clear for an instant, the spiritual reality of that other faith.

We're so quick to discount spiritual reality as a constant thing, a present thing, an ever-present aspect of daily life. But it's no less real. Otherwise, the God of all the universe wouldn't be as He says He is, in His direct and immediate accessibility and intervention, as a God who is near and faithful and who preserves and leads us and protects us and shelters and shields (even if not in the ways we want). There's a really weird disconnect in the western world on that point, and so much so in the church, even. That duality of thought which both believes and is incredulous.

But for an instant, I saw the reality and the impact of the religion and was tempted toward it (because that was the obvious intent, especially, but I didn't at all expect to be tempted because the whole deal is so patently against God). The Lord was so gracious as to bring to mind Scripture which set the whole at bay. But it was a very fearful moment. To even see the temptation. To draw back in revulsion, in the midst, while it still attempted to entice. And to cling to Scripture, cling to the Lord. And pray for help in being very clear in speaking adamantly to the strength of my conviction for the Truth.

Still praying about speaking with another church elder, and that whole ordeal and much of the core of grief in regard to observations granted by the Lord...well, there's nothing but to continue to pray and move in that direction, even as to email, when the Lord so gives. When and if, as He leads.

Same as all the things.

And I have been so conflicted over so many things, in the midst of all the onslaught.

Just so many utterly and equally absurd and horrific temptations, the past brief while. Clinging to the Lord. The one prior to the mormonism was temptation to again visit the previous church. No small amount of terror even linked to that thought, as temptation too. But I don't so much fear them now as just...fear to fall prey to the same delusions. All the more to be utterly confounded to even have those thoughts come to mind. I'd rather pry off a couple fingernails. It would be less painful and less scarring, on the whole. And would heal more quickly.

Or...to put more directly--it would make more sense to pry off a couple fingernails than to go to that church again. Would make a lot more sense. Just to clarify the extent of the absurdity of the temptations.

Similarly, of the mormonism temptation, I'd be better served to severe a hand. Makes much more sense. Literally. Though still a bit too conservative to do justice to the actual extent of severity of the situation.

So to see and experience those temptations has been like battling to retain hold on reality, in a sense. Battling to remain aware of the truth of who Jesus is, in general and to me, specifically.

Before the temptation to go to CCR was temptation to turn to family and recant all things regarding Scripture and revert to pretending there aren't active abuses and madness and...so much which is unwell. Similarly disconcerting, though more subtle and sly than the temptation to go to CCR. Abuse with family was much longer-standing so that much more an ingrained expectation and acceptance. A much longer period of believing acceptable the things and lack of principle on my own part.

Not to say I do great with resting in Christ now. But He's my keeper, so He's molding and teaching and conforming. I'm just grateful.

Tempted to do so many things. And I gave in to some, even. Just of anxiety, especially, and various other things which are likewise odd. The temptation to fear is still so compelling. But I was reminded again, yesterday, that it's not about me or anything I might want or do...it's about God's love for me and His grace toward me, all through Christ. Just remembering His love. Staying there.

These things the past while have been utterly odd. Strange beyond strange. 

The Lord has been spending time on clarifying that temptation isn't sin, too. That's been such a huge pitfall into shame, guilt, and condemnation. But He was tempted in all ways. Without sin. In all ways, though, as humans are. That is intimidating beyond comprehension. But it's also such a point of hope. Not only did He love us all enough to endure, but His steadfast love of the Father overcame temptation. And through Him, we can overcome. He does present ways of escape. And more than anything, He is the escape.

Got schooled last night, though, on things of that nature. Part of faltering has been into moralistic and apparent obedience rather than being desired (and manifested) out of love for Him, as result of realizing, reflecting upon, and receiving His love. Been tossed about a good deal lately by various things said by others, with good intentions perhaps, and of being concerned for appearances sake what others might think of my "walk." None of which is obedience, but only further defiance.

What minor bit from Luther's writings considered last night made it seem he was very clear on that point, so it's not just my interpretation. Resting in the knowledge of His love and being changed by awareness of His manifest grace and acceptance is where life exists. Not in the law. Not in self. In God, alone. And Luther's point was that anything which is thought, felt, enacted, or otherwise existent in a person which isn't focused and rooted in remembrance of God's acceptance, love, and grace toward us...is centered elsewhere, thus is idolatrous. Because attempting anything which isn't come out of remembering and resting in the secure knowledge we're made acceptable in Christ and adopted of God through Him, thus also centered in a secure and constant remembrance of His love...is rooted in something other than truth. As goes obedience, specifically, but likewise of life in general, then.

And I'd almost forgotten the temptation to Calvinism last night, too--to revere him as a god amongst men, moreover, as seems the case. That was similarly disconcerting.

So glad I'm done. So glad it is finished.

Acknowledgments

I've gotten a lot of flack, including insinuations that I'm not actually saved, in regard to things presented in the last post on the main blog (well, not only in regard to that...but particularly in regard to it). Everything comes down to the truth that we all have to work out our own salvation, being individually accountable before God for what we think and do. If our hearts do not condemn us, we have confidence before God. And yet, unless He conforms our hearts to Himself, our hearts are full of darkness only.

His peace is to rule in our hearts, casting down every thought that would exalt itself against Him and knowledge of Him. We are to love.

There have been some deeply strange things going on, lately. Odd bits which have been constant onslaught of assault that had never tried me before. And misunderstandings on all sides. And suspicions, even within. And contentions, of which I've been party. And much whispering, self included. And I really want to be out of the midst of it all, and it seems as though...through particular of the misapprehensions and suspicions, that may be the case. Which is simultaneously heart-breaking and relieving.

Some really strange things have been attempted, though, and I want none of it. I love those whom the Lord has let me be alongside, but things on all sides have been really, seriously strange for the past little while. Ceasing to look continually to Christ but rather beginning to hope for things of life and family and fellowship...really proves a snare. And as convoluted as things are, now, then it's still better everything is at such condition as I'm again safe, thus seeking Christ. With so much strangeness all around, still. But such is the state of the world and each our states except to rely on Him. Prayer continues.

Including regarding living arrangements. This place where I am...there's not peace remaining here. I've tried to "rationalize" why and that's only resulted in a bunch of sin, making statements regarding circumstances and people. Similarly, giving reasons for where to leave to...if I get trapped in attempting to justify things apart from seeking the Lord to direct...will be more sin. There are two known potential options. Not to mention however many unknown options. But...however He leads. Trying to do "pros" and "cons" lists would result in having even less clarity, at this point. Trying to search Scripture about the things...except that He lead the search is going to result in a "spiritualized" pros and cons. Because ultimately, however He leads. Not emotion. If emotion were to lead, I'd go hide somewhere at this point and just never open my mouth again. That would be so much simpler, so much easier. So much less difficulty. 

Some things of late which have been especially trying regard condemnation and guilt and shame over life before and more recently over the state of my relationship with Christ, now. And I'm going to share some thoughts along these lines because I'm sick of being dogged by these things again and again. Life now is not life before. I am not sinless, except in Christ. I am not perfect, except in Christ. He imputed His righteousness to me, taking the penalty for my deserved condemnation. He bore my condemnation, my guilt, and my shame.

So the things which still try to tell me I'm filthy and wretched and worthless and should be ashamed even to speak, let alone to walk into and sit amongst and fellowship with the church...those things are all liars, regardless from whence or by whom they speak.

Yes, sin is utterly horrid and worthy all condemnation. It's atrocious and an absolute abomination against creation, as being committed against the sovereign, infinitely good Creator. Thus all the more an abomination against Him. Due punishment. Worthy of wrath. Eternal wrath, for an infinite offense. Each and every so-called small sin. Even ever having had a thought of envy, or of self-serving, or of having told a "white lie" to "save someone's feelings" or make a situation less uncomfortable. Each and every one is infinite atrocity. Against a perfectly good, perfectly loving, perfection righteous Creator who's intimately concerned with and involved in our every thought, act, and instance of existing. He created each and every one of us, intentionally. 

He created us each with great love toward us, each and every one, as His Word attests over and over again. So anyone who views otherwise also errs against Him, still.

Defying Him by acting as though apart from Him is wretched, alone.

And I did all those things, myself, before acknowledging the truth of my guilt and seeking forgiveness and acknowledging the truth of Jesus being my sovereign Master. The Lord knows our hearts, intimately. He knows my heart--every dark and stormy and stony part of it yet in need of conformation to His will. The work of sanctification, ongoing. Conformation and putting to death whatever is not like Him, transformed from image to image. And just as much as He knows what is in my heart, He knows what's not in it and knows the work He's already done--so much of which is beyond my comprehension as so unexpected, unfathomable: It's one thing to read of His work in Scripture, but so much beyond what can be stated in mere word to experience His salvation. Like as attempting to explain a rainbow to someone who has only known cloudy skies, but then they see one.

Regarding so much of the condemnation, there's remembrance with human disgust, despair, fear, and shame how much and how devastatingly every bit of abuse handed out upon me and per me went...mental and emotional effects linger, still, except that the Lord has been healing.

As goes public acknowledgement, though, because I'm sick of being dogged by all the shame and condemnation and guilt unto restraint from being simply honest about these things: I can't help what's been done to me. I can't change what bits I complied with--like being too terrified to refuse a parent. And being too terrified to tell a grandparent no multiple times. Or being too afraid, thereafter, to tell the others no when they insisted on doing things which made me uncomfortable and disgusted and afraid. Nor of the things I endured with others who wanted to use me.

I can't change those things, not even that the lattermost entailed situations which I later entered with similar intent to use others, as learned to do likewise. And I can't change the heart that was so broken and pitted and contorted over the course--deluded unto belief that touch is love and pain, and that lust is love. All combined to establish a very convoluted view and experience of love. Especially having eventually come to view physical pleasure as the primary reason for living, with all else seeming void and hollow and empty but for those few moments which ensured at least some distraction from otherwise despair and pain. I can't change having been so deluded and deceived regarding what true pleasure and true love are.

I can't change growing up in a house where pornography was readily available and accessible. I can't change becoming addicted to it as a toddler. I can't undo that and the ravages it's left on my heart and mind. Even unto continuing to allow room for temptation to still view people as objects and view sensuality as God-given beauty or to look for beauty as such rather than seeing God's image alone. I can't change that.

I can't change the resulting thus-convoluted and further broken view of love as additionally distorted by feasting on fairy-tales and Disney romances, and ultimately Harlequin and the-like of "adult" romance novels. I can't change that I aspired to have that sort of love, whatever the cost. I can't change that I tried to find it, time and again--going out of the way to find someone, anyone who expressed interest sufficient to be noticeable through the haze of self-loathing (which is pride). Can't change that I accepted being conformed to whatever was set forth as an expectation, giving in so to be acceptable. Can't change that I lived so many false romances, giving myself to many under unconscious false pretenses from all sides. I can't change that I was so deceived as to think acceptable this method of gaining companionship, according to the world's precepts for so-doing.

I can't change that I defied God's word on the sanctity and holiness of marriage, the holiness of love, and even regarding how precious and to be protected is innocence.

My innocence was marred nearly as soon as I could walk. And it was entirely downhill from that point until just over three years ago, with one final assault (hoping and praying the last assault) on Christmas Eve.

But then, three years ago somewhat precisely...to be delivered into grace. I can't change the things I've done, who I've been, the state of my heart and my mind, or what's been done to me. But Christ has changed me.

And He's been changing my heart. And cleansing my mind, even--ever with time in Scripture and meditating on Him and His word. But it's Him. He does the work. His Holy Spirit.

No amount of cognitive behavioural therapy was able to help me, before--it just rearranged the furniture, so to speak, without changing the state or presence of anything. But He can and has and does change my heart and my mind. And whatever weird sorts of assaults there are, I persist in remembering how He's delivered me before, and know He will do so again. I will keep seeking Him. 

Although I can't change the past or even that state of my heart which still awaits so much conformation, I see where He's brought me from. And I can recognize so much of what used to be a part of me--matters once so integral, so ingrained, and to such extent as to afford no space for ability to reflect. I used to think all the ways and things I was doing were useful and normal and decent, if not great--but according to the world's standards.

I considered myself pretty principled. Despite continually adjusting principles to suit circumstances.

But having God's Word as guide and His Spirit to interpret shows plainly that principles aren't self-determined. They're His, and He's the one who created us to exist in such a way as that those principles describe our "wellness guide." In a sense.

Because apart from Christ, apart from surrender to Him and acknowledgement of Him as Lord, being guided by His Holy Spirit...the Scriptures as a guide only equate to another "rule book." Whereby we can hope that we'll do things well enough that we'll get by, as long as we hit the "major points." Even convincing ourselves we are aware of and love His sovereignty, because it's part of the prescription. He's the One who does the work, though, or it's not done.

He says He will, if we trust Him. Coming to God through Christ Jesus. Only He knows the actual state of our hearts toward Him, though. We're capable of such self-deception it's absurd--He recorded that we worship the created rather than the Creator and He gives us over to deception. Surrenders us to it, is how that's always come across. As though He's actively restraining us from deception, but He eventually allows us to have what we're desiring. Desiring instead of Him.

We each have to have it out with Him, though. We're all going to come face-to-face with Him. Period. We won't be able to hide behind excuses or anything. We can't already, really. Like a toddler who lies about having done something you watched them do while they were aware you were watching. You know they did it. They know you know. But they still refuse to own up. Judgment day for each of us is going to be that day when there's nothing but blatant honesty. No hiding behind pretense. No hiding behind our own attempts at righteousness. Either we'll be found in Christ, or we'll be consumed.

Turning to Him continually is the thing. Trusting Him continually. Not a seeking to do right by Him, though He does call us to walk in a manner worthy. But we can't unless He empowers. External conformity isn't what's the issue, though it is something that comes about as the heart is conformed. From the inside out, though.

All through the new testament, there are pleas to turn to Him, return to Him, put away and put off the old deeds. And but by His grace, I'm hoping and trusting in Him for continued deliverance and direction. There's no one else to turn to. No one else can change my heart. He has, and He promises to continue the work He began, unto completion.

Being Led

Why should it be so difficult to just accept the fact that God is in control and nothing matters, beyond trusting Him? Jesus was pretty clear about things while He walked with us. The Father knows our needs. Every single one. Every need.

And He was pretty clear about the fact that our Father does far more than the minimum in fulfilling our needs. Even while He uses the minimal disciplinary action necessary to correct, like He continually made clear throughout all His deliberations over what to do about Israel.

Again and again, He saw that His people had earned His wrath. They'd turned completely against Him. Not just away, but against (which, in essence, turning away is turning against). They were mocking Him to His face. And it hurts when people you love do that. Hurts sorely. Especially to just bear it in loving silence, grieved, while Your face is slammed in the dirt and ground in. They were despising Him, as such, to His face. Mocking Him within their hearts, in their private assemblies (where priests were convening and worshipping other gods, even, so mocking Him), in public worship, and in all spheres of community and private life. How much would that hurt?

Seriously.

They needed to be corrected. All the good they received (and same for everyone, but for Israel God had shown them and clearly revealed the truth to them of who He and and of the fact that all good comes from Him and that ultimately He is sovereign of everything--all strength and might and power to acquire personal provision is ultimately from Him, too, as He is the Creator of everyone)...came from Him. And there'd been turning to error despite having clear guidance on the truth. Despising the truth. To their own destruction. Turning from good is turning toward evil. Turning away from God is likewise an inverse unto all thus-oppositional fronts (which, given He's infinite and holy in all His perfections...). There aren't really human words or concepts to adequately relay how actually wretched it is to turn away from Him. Because there aren't words or means of adequately grasping His actual goodness. We just see evidences. And have His word, as clarification. Not one apart from the other--jointly held, as existent truth. Not plural.

His revelation in our own terms, as words, though. That's a whole other mind-blowing contemplation. He is beyond comprehension, beyond the ability to conceptualize in a way which does justice to the truth. And yet He's so deeply concerned and intimately involved with us, all of us--we, His creation--that He took measures to reveal Himself on our level, in words...in a variety of types of constructs of words--narratives, histories, poetry, lamentations, monologues, proverbs, philosophical treatise, letters to His beloved ones, instructions and admonitions, prophetic revelations, testimonies, and...well, all the many types of literature there are, I think, given some bits of at least marginal representation over course of His self-revelation. With every genre from comedy to horror, tragedy to romance, and even a philosophical treatise with a scientific bend, in terms of progression. A level I evidential document--report filed by an expert with lived experience regarding trials conducted over a life-time and observations likewise compiled, longitudinally. No controls. No randomized trials. But observation. And personal experiments.

Anyway, point just being, God was thorough in representing Himself on a level we could approach. In word. In concepts which are accessible. Giving insight into His thoughts and emotions, even, so that we can see He's not unconcerned and apathetic. Not unreasonable or aloof. But faithful, unwavering, good, loving, just, long-suffering. And He's due our worship by matter of the fact that we are His creatures. Pretty simple.

He isn't forcing us at this point. But we'll enter His presence without the shield of our preferred delusions at some point and the fact of either our love or our hatred will be evidenced, even as we'll no longer be able to deny the truth of His sovereignty. Whether we like it or not, we will acknowledge and submit to His sovereignty. We will bow to Him.

He's been really clear about that, too. Making His people's denial of Him that much more heart-breaking. Because He is so clear and has made Himself so apparent to them...again and again. But there was and is such refusal to heed Him, to love Him. That's what He wants, above all.

That we love Him. As we are loved.

Love manifests all sorts of good, though, when it's true and not contrived or self-indulgent and self-serving. Love thinks no ill, it is patient and kind, doesn't self-exalt but seeks to serve. Love gives when there's nothing left, persevering no matter the cost. Suffering all things for the sake of another, forgiving anything. Covering a multitude of sins, He said. Love trusts, protects, hopes, and waits. Love never fails.

But we all chose instead to exalt ourselves and do what we think is best rather than remaining totally dependent upon Him. We all do. At the expense of life, itself. At the expense of love. To the death of our own spirits, cut off from life itself--cut off from God.

But again and again, He spoke about the wrath due His people. That they had accrued judgment unto their own destruction in full. They had worked such wickedness that the penalty deserved was total devastation. But for two things, though.

One, He remembered His promise never to totally destroy them.
Two, He loves them still and would not utterly destroy them but longed to restore them to Himself. Like a wife who had turned astray and become adulterous, He described His people. Yet also saying He'd bring her back and restore her joy in Himself as at their initial union. That she would dance with delight to be His beloved, being taken to be alone with Him in the desert or wilderness.

He mitigates discipline to what is necessary to effect what's most needful to return us to Himself. Otherwise all of creation would have been destroyed from the outset of sin, even.

But He lavishes love and provision. Even to restore the adulterous wife into His love and to a place of joy, of dancing as though a maiden He described.

He is so good. And yet we think, or at least I'm continually tempted to think...that I "need" to plan for things. Plan how to get out of debt. Plan how to get my life in order. Plan how to seek Him. Plan how to serve Him.

As though I was able to save myself, to begin with. Paul chided the Galatians pretty sorely on that point. Not without love, mind you--I've heard so many people interpret that book as though He was cursing them up one side and down another and treating them with malice. Whatever hardness there is or was, it's only as much as is warranted by God's knowledge of what's necessary to be heard. Even as the Pharisees were called vipers, outright. And whitewashed sepulchres.

Not soft speech. But not from a heart of vindictive malice, either--not taking pleasure in speaking harshly to someone for the sake of self-exaltation per debasing another.

Just, if He calls us, He's going to sanctify us. Or there's no hope otherwise. We didn't start the work, we certainly can't finish it. We can't change our own hearts.

He showed me very clearly week before last that it's utterly beyond my power to change my heart, to forsake sinful tendencies. He has to deliver me from this body of death. He has to conform my heart to His will. He has to bring me to repentance, through such gracious kindness as allowing me to see the wickedness in my own heart and leading me to a recognition of it and unto open confession/discussion with Him and pleading His forgiveness, asking His help and deliverance. Nothing doubting. But hoping, leaving the whole deal in His hands.

So, why, though...if I see so clearly that I can't manage to "fix" or "help" or rightly divide the nature of my own heart...why, if that most fundamental matter is beyond me...why would I then think that somehow it's within my power and domain to plan for and accomplish daily "necessities" and "life goals" and even nutrition, in my own strength and per my own thusly-indicated-wholly-limited-perception? I can't change the most fundamental part of myself, which is me, but I'm somehow capable of planning for tomorrow and for business interactions and for food things that came from countries that I may never even see this side of eternity?

Now, that is delusional thinking.
Can't stop myself from losing my patience with a barista who has a difficult time understanding me when I say "soy latte," but I've got a 401k on track to recover in 30 years (having a difficult time imagining what that latter would be like...but I have heard tell). Can't keep myself from becoming bored when there's a lull between customers at work, but I have the next four years of grad-school mapped out in order to get the Ph.d. that's going to put me on the map for missions. Or, like...regularly tempted to want the life of other people who look more successful than me, but I'm on track with this year's M'Cheyne Bible plan and I'm planning for more involvement in my church's ministry teams (way, way closer to personal life)...or planning for more church attendance...or planning to (fill in blank).

There's the dual disconnect, is all. We can't earn righteous standing with God by trying to conform externally. If we do somehow manage to achieve some type of external conformity to what our understanding of godliness is...that isn't to say He may not honor that by also conforming our hearts to His own. But it's not a certainty. Because the external seeking is after conformity to an ideal and not after God Himself, most generally. He's pretty gracious, though. So...He may redirect (He did for me, in so many ways...and still does).

But it's not about the external efforts, still. It's a matter of heart. We can't earn righteousness. We can't acquire it through works.

And the secondary disconnect is in terms of thinking we somehow know the future when, actually, we have no idea what's going on right now. If most of us had a clearer conception of what the deal with international economics is, right now, except that there were faith in God...there'd probably be so much freaking out. We're all suspended in this totally illusory web of machinations. Nothing holds us aloft but grace. Even as per the greed-fueled inclinations that interweave all of society as to sustain a common delusion giving credence to the lies that make international economics and capitalism viable.

The closer to the end we get, the more apparent is His truth. But the less visible to those who deny Him pre-eminence in their lives, though His due.

Just to say, if we are making plans...He's indulging that tendency in us to still attempt to operate according to our own understanding, according to worldly precepts, according to the ideologies which fueled Satan's fall. There's no "submitting to God" and "having a backup plan." Either there's submission or there's not.

And I fall away so often to start wanting companionship (especially), counsel, godly instruction, "life goals," or whatever of all the like. So I see that it's a thing, because He keeps delivering me out of it. And I don't deserve to be delivered. And He's not obligated to, except that He promises to always be with me, to never forsake me. And that He loves me so much He gave Himself for me, to free me from these things.

He knows our state. He knows we're all prone to fall away. We all have fallen away from Him, drawn by our own desires. But He's been tempted, too. Never sinned. But He was tempted in all manners such as we are. So He isn't unsympathetic.

He will help. Otherwise there'd be no hope.
We just have to ask Him to let us see what is in us that's not of Him, what displeases Him. And honestly want to know (which He'll work out, too).

And then openly consider whatever He reveals, with Him. And follow His leading.
But it's His work. His Spirit doing the work. 

Renewing the Vows

Reminded to turn to Christ for all sufficiency. No planning. No wondering. No goals. No worries. Wanting is actually idolatry, unless subject to Christ first. And even then...anything wanted has to be taken and surrendered to Him otherwise sin springs forth.

Like James wrote. The flesh giving forth to wanting things, lusting after things (money, prestige, marriage, success, schooling, professional degrees, groceries, financial solvency, paid bills, pain free living, etc.). Lust draws us away from seeking God foremost and exclusive, thus is unto sin. Pretty simple, but everything in me that wants to try to justify worldly ideals and ways absolutely revolts at the idea of not even wanting things without subjecting those "wants" to Christ. Better to use the word "wants" than "desires" or "lusts" at this point because those latter two words seem to have taken on near-exclusively romantic and/or sexual dimensions in this age. All the more to delude us from realizing that carnal thinking on any front--regardless dealing with entertaining movies or illicit relations and thoughts--is sin. Covetousness is covetousness, whether of prestige, material matters, or physical gratification.

Point being, though, not only is it okay to just trust Him and follow Him moment by moment, that's what we're expected to do as following Christ and being led by His Spirit. I've been experiencing so much conflict over not being able to plan despite thinking to know His will, on one front. And conflict over being gradually convinced we need to plan, as to be godly, from another.

And between the two such conflicts and others, I'm otherwise feeling utterly adrift and at the mercy of forces utterly beyond me, except to cry out for help. One after another, various temptations and terrors have plagued and attempted to overwhelm. And more still, now. Another new round of whispers today citing things I'd not previously considered as possible machinations and suspicions and accusations and...general madness, really. But I'm still going to refer the all back to God.

He's known my heart in all matters from before time. He's known it all the while of my life and continues to reveal unto repentance again and again, and for the remainder of my walk on earth promises to do so. That's enough. Doesn't matter who knows what, beyond Him. Whatever pain or horrors come, still. He will carry me through. Because the threats now aren't any different than they were at the outset when walking with Christ initially. And as was made clear today, I don't have to prove anything, I am a child of God. 

Threats to absolutely destroy keep coming, though. But nothing from my end has changed. The enemy can only do as much as permitted by God. And I entrust myself to Jesus wholly--whatever comes. Whatever goes. Because He is worthy and He is able to keep that which has been committed to Him. For the sake of love, above all, I commit myself and my keeping to Him.

If I had no love for Him, there'd be far less inclination to forsake all the rest of creation at any cost to be nearer Him. No matter the pain. No matter what comes.

He does truly work all things to the good of those who love Him, even. And even if that didn't come until after my death from this earth, then still...I could suffer and rejoice and rest assured in knowing His will will be done. Whatever the cost. Whatever comes.

In suffering, in lack, in abundance, no matter what. He increasingly has evidenced His faithfulness, to greater degrees of certainty in His keeping. And that's everything. I will not back down.

How many altars then, to stand at and renew my vows to Him whom I love? Because again and again, the line needs to be drawn. Daily renewal, even. But all the more, to do so public. Before God and man.

Whatever the cost, whatever comes, I commit myself and all my will to Jesus Christ, my God and my Lord. He will guide, He will lead. He will deliver.

And where understanding proves false and presumption leads wrongly, He will otherwise and nonetheless direct in all matters necessary. Restraint or empowerment. However He wills. That's enough.

I trust Him. I trusted my life with Him, ever turning to Him, for otherwise wanting nothing more to do with life, yet finding myself daring to hope at Christ's appearing. I entrusted my heart to Him, also. Increasingly, still.

So whatever He allows is to good. Period. No matter how painful. And all the more so when it is that much more painful, at times. Forcing dependence: To force turning to Him as there is nothing and no one else who can help.

Jesus alone can save. He alone will. God's plans or ours, but only one of the two is good. Evil certainly abounds, but it's not worth pursuing. Always to destruction.

Merciful, really, that some might find themselves destroyed in the flesh, then turning to God.
Like I did.

No turning back, no matter what. No looking back. Onward.

...


Whatever Your will, Lord.
Jesus, You are all I want, all I need.
You are everything.

Please forgive me for doubting You and for becoming so distracted, Lord. I am sorry.
Thank You for keeping me in the midst of my wandering.
Thank You for drawing me back.
Keep me close, Lord.

I love You so much, please help me love You more.

By Your will, Precious Lord. But by Your will. 

Deliver Us from Evil

Understanding the etiology of sin to any extent doesn't deliver from it. Jesus, alone, is the power to overcome. He is the deliverance. Resting and abiding in Him. Been pondering for the past couple days about what James considered the progression to be, in context of last Sunday's consideration of temptation as the adulterous woman. 

There's something vitally important of bringing all desires--even good ones, ones given of God--into subjection as surrendered to God's will. Rather than to crave, hope for, plan toward, or any other such thing as equates to lusting after things as according to carnal understanding.
I remember the jobs with Kroger and Dillards as particular examples. At that point in time, I considered myself a Christian--the only time there was true peace and hope and relief from anxiety and fear was during church services and while reading Scripture. And the sinner's prayer was a constant. Having prayed a variation in 2010 out of terror for my life, knowing Jesus was the only refuge, it seemed good to continue praying it. Meaning it once meant meaning it always, so continuing to ask Him to take over and be Lord. 

But I hadn't submitted to Him. I asked Him to bless my plans and give strength to my efforts and preserve me in the midst of turmoils which often were related to my own recklessness. Granted, I had despaired of having ability and strength to keep myself from doing the things I knew I shouldn't. But the reasons for wanting to cease those things were all revolved around wanting to be able to walk in a way where others couldn't accuse me of wrong-doing, so to embody what it meant to "be Christian" according to standard definitions and expectations in the world. I wanted to be conformed to the ideal, so to be blameless in the eyes of the world as being conformed to the behavioral expectations set forth for Christians. 

Still just couldn't. Which was the beginning of coming to a knowledge of what grace is. 

And I didn't talk about Jesus. I didn't talk about God. I talked about church. And talked about Scripture. Safe things. Tangible things. Visible things which made sense. Things which I knew per having experiential familiarity, regardless how wrong-headed. 

But I did things my way. Per my understanding. Not waiting on God. Not expecting His direction, outright. Not expecting His involvement. Just kind of in some really strange space where there was blatant simultaneous awareness and denial of Him. Never looking Him full in the face, in a sense, though willing to acknowledge Him with indirect, half-hearted nods to His existence and sovereignty. So long as He did His thing and helped me do mine, we were totally fine. 

Because I thought I knew His will. I thought it was pretty clear in Scripture that I was supposed to do good things and loving things and help people. Whatever the cost. Despite that this constituted a "Christianized" version of what I'd already wanted to do with my life, I didn't see any problems or inconsistencies. Just thought of it as a confirmation of the things I already believed and knew and pursued. Because every bit as much as life had been about finding fulfillment, it was about being able to share it with others. Seeing pain and despair and incapacitation. 

The true extent to which that "desire to help" was actually self-serving isn't known to me. But I know it was self-gratifying. So I know it was very, very convoluted. It just happened to be all I knew of good, prior to actually coming into relationship with God. Loving others per my own darkened understanding of love. 

So, even that...even that was a "good" desire, though become an idol and defiance per having been borne of the flesh rather than of God. And the camaraderie that came by way of it, on varied fronts? Likewise. 

But the whole desires tempting us away and ultimately giving birth to sin is particularly evidenced with Kroger and Dillards. Desire to do good, to be self-supporting and able to contribute to the welfare of others, and actively being expected to do so...? I thought each place was going to become a platform for good works. Thought I could go in, fulfill the requirements of Scripture by being self-supporting and walking uprightly before others, do good to others, strive to succeed on worldly terms as to be in a position to do more good for the kingdom of God, and on and on and on. 

But all about the things I wanted. It gave me a sense of satisfaction to help others, so wanting to pursue that as a desired end. It gave me a sense of justification to walk in a way where others congratulated and constantly reaffirmed me, in both churches and at work and amongst family, so I adhered as best I knew to what I understood as being God's expectations for my behavior...and between thinking I was doing right by God and being reaffirmed by people, I craved continued adherence and affirmation. Lusted after the ability to be even more conformed, so as to be even more revered for godliness and being an upright citizen. And as goes craving to make a positive difference in the lives of others, being in position to constantly counsel and "develop" employees meant being in position to broaden their perspective to extent of altering their perspectives on things going on and regarding themselves. Even to extent of seeing ongoing evidences of improved work ethics (e.g., as one begins to realize ability to perform well and be recognized for it, then continuing to progress) and reduced negativities and reduced conflict with others and self. Increase in apparent peace. Increase in apparent ability to function well. Desiring to effect those sorts of changes in others (all the while attempting to effect them in myself, increasing, and having begun attempting to philosophize the writings of God as though merely some new approach to seeing the world which would allow a different approach to self-development)...craving that effect, as "playing God" really per even believing I knew what was best, led to such a gluttony for involvement in other social spheres and with other people so as to "help" others, too. Lusting after a broader sphere of influence, while desiring to effect people's lives according to my own understanding of what was right and good all the while--even so darkly done as using the Scriptures to justify the wickedness. 

And like the foolish boy in Solomon's tale, I was out in the streets (so to speak) at times and in places where I shouldn't have been. I was walking in the world's way, striving to understand how to apply God's precepts to worldly paradigms in a way to effect them, myself. Things came up and tempted me to come in--I didn't even know about either the Kroger nor Dillards jobs, prior to being offered them. I had to apply for the management position with Dillards after my interview. Which is just to say, these things came looking for me while I was out in my own strength. Because that sort of thing isn't common in the world, from what I hear. I hear people talk about taking years to get a job. So getting two offers without having applied seemed utterly uncoincidental. And so I assumed it was of God. Because it conformed to my expectations of how He would work.

And I asked Him to bless the things I wanted, the things I believed were His will for me. Rather than asking what His will was. Because, I reasoned--it's not bad to want a job, and I don't have other options, so it's godly to take the job especially since it came in such a way that's so odd and unexpected. Surely of God. Surely. 

So I never asked Him whether it was. I assumed. 
And I wanted the jobs. Because of somewhat prestige. Because of somewhat power. Because of greater security than I'd previously ever had, professionally. Because the things seemed good. 
So, somewhat like James put it...I was tempted of my own evil desires to be as God in my own life, knowing good and evil per my own understanding...lured away and enticed. Drawn away by my own fleshly lusts for security, esteem, acceptance, purpose, and "certainty" of my place. I sinned. And how enticing were those plans? How enticing to the flesh are these concepts of security, peace, purpose, financial solvency, public esteem, and all the like? None of which are bad if they are taken wholly into subjection to Christ and found in Him. But in the flesh? Nope. 

There was ever the promise that I could operate as God would have me do, within the constraints. So long as I just made nice to begin with. Even as the adulterous woman promised that there would be time to avoid being trapped in sin since her husband was away for a definite time, then I also fell prey to believing it was possible to compromise for just a brief while in order to achieve what seemed a greater good toward love. Because even at those points in my unsurrendered life there were blatant compromises required, still. Treating people as business commodities, foremost. And varied such things as seemed acceptable being "minor" compromises in the moment. 

Like taking part in weirdly manipulative dialogues where no one ever says what they mean, directly. But only ever alludes. Even if clearly. I'd seen lawyers do it. And business people too, now. And it's gross. And wrong. And something that I did give into and take part in, even in "counseling" people along all the fronts done. But whatever. That was part of my life, but I want nothing of it. If someone will not be forthright with intent, then there's something wrong: it's unsurrendered, contrived of the human mind. 

The Lord has made it very clear through all this such consideration that having intents which are contrived isn't of Him. Intents of the heart are desires for the way in which a matter should/ought/may proceed. Rather than surrendering to God and waiting His will and direction, moment by moment. Period. And for me, that means not even to hope apart from hoping for Christ and in Him. Not even if something seems of His will can hope turn toward what might become. Period.

Which is much of this whole thing of being tempted and tried on so many fronts. As seeing that allowing for even godly desires if permitting the heart to hope in them apart from Christ leaves so much room for the enemy to come in, as such hopes perhaps are then prone to stray from total subjection to Christ as the hope of all hopes. 

So it's better just not to hope apart from Him for anything, then. Not as though humans are capable of refraining from doing so, except that He intervene--it's the heart of sin to want/desire/plan for things according to our own understandings, per James' etiology. And like the young man in the story told by Solomon, we all tend to be out walking in ways and areas we don't need to go. Looking into ideas that aren't of God. Wondering what the future holds is a similar "walking." As is prying into hopes which have appearance of godliness yet without the power of being fully manifest and confirmed. And such the like. All of us. 

We're told to ask for wisdom, though. He alone possesses it, perfectly. And the author of it can certainly teach even the lowest fool (living evidence of this fact). And He wants us to have wisdom and walk in it. Even being delivered by Him and not of ourselves. 

We cannot do the things or know the things that are right and good, by our own understanding or in our own strength. There's absolutely nothing can be done except surrender to Him and wait upon Him to lead, unless we're intent on continuing in sin. Which...He permits, in this world. 

But I don't want that, personally. And if it means never having except those He temporarily places alongside, then so be it. I'd rather have Him and continue to know Him better than be permitted to walk endlessly mired by the same delusions. Even if that means faltering and having to be delivered again and again, then still unto greater and broader deliverance each time it's been. Into greater knowledge of who He actually is, and of His faithfulness, His will, and unto deeper repentance of those things in me which are so wretched.

He showed me last night that there's still be a sliver of resentment in my heart that I'm not Him. That I'm not worshipped and am not able to deliver others. It was so disconcerting and distressing. Despairing to find that I'd been so blind to that still being even a whisper in my heart. But as always, by His grace I can't but despair to see further evidence of my wretchedness, though become all the more deeply grateful to Him as I return to Him begging forgiveness and deliverance. Stricken by the truth of my own sin, again and again. Yet finding Him ever willing to extend mercy through Jesus Christ when I confess it all to Him, openly and honestly, asking forgiveness and deliverance.  He does and He will deliver from sin. 
Otherwise, there would be no hope. But there is hope. In Jesus Christ, our Lord.