Things are still strange. Been enduring utterly absurd temptations. Concurrently being regularly assaulted by fears, anxieties, and attempts to get bitterness to root in my heart. Still grieving so many things, and it seems like something unexpected further breaks every week. I can't even remember each of the things from the past couple months, anymore, there's been such an onslaught. One thing right after another. And direct attacks don't help, thus the more to grieve, crying mercy.
Everybody...all of us...we're so ravaged by sin. It abounds. How much a mercy it is that grace much more abounds.
The newest and most absurd (yet, perhaps) in the list of recent temptations was yesterday. Talking about my relationship with Jesus and how He keeps me and corrects me and comforts me and provides and how He's shown Himself so faithful (as He has said He is, in His word) time and time again. And getting response from one of Mormon religion in like kind, regarding his god's faithfulness and miraculous provisions. And it became very clear for an instant, the spiritual reality of that other faith.
We're so quick to discount spiritual reality as a constant thing, a present thing, an ever-present aspect of daily life. But it's no less real. Otherwise, the God of all the universe wouldn't be as He says He is, in His direct and immediate accessibility and intervention, as a God who is near and faithful and who preserves and leads us and protects us and shelters and shields (even if not in the ways we want). There's a really weird disconnect in the western world on that point, and so much so in the church, even. That duality of thought which both believes and is incredulous.
But for an instant, I saw the reality and the impact of the religion and was tempted toward it (because that was the obvious intent, especially, but I didn't at all expect to be tempted because the whole deal is so patently against God). The Lord was so gracious as to bring to mind Scripture which set the whole at bay. But it was a very fearful moment. To even see the temptation. To draw back in revulsion, in the midst, while it still attempted to entice. And to cling to Scripture, cling to the Lord. And pray for help in being very clear in speaking adamantly to the strength of my conviction for the Truth.
Still praying about speaking with another church elder, and that whole ordeal and much of the core of grief in regard to observations granted by the Lord...well, there's nothing but to continue to pray and move in that direction, even as to email, when the Lord so gives. When and if, as He leads.
Same as all the things.
And I have been so conflicted over so many things, in the midst of all the onslaught.
Just so many utterly and equally absurd and horrific temptations, the past brief while. Clinging to the Lord. The one prior to the mormonism was temptation to again visit the previous church. No small amount of terror even linked to that thought, as temptation too. But I don't so much fear them now as just...fear to fall prey to the same delusions. All the more to be utterly confounded to even have those thoughts come to mind. I'd rather pry off a couple fingernails. It would be less painful and less scarring, on the whole. And would heal more quickly.
Or...to put more directly--it would make more sense to pry off a couple fingernails than to go to that church again. Would make a lot more sense. Just to clarify the extent of the absurdity of the temptations.
Similarly, of the mormonism temptation, I'd be better served to severe a hand. Makes much more sense. Literally. Though still a bit too conservative to do justice to the actual extent of severity of the situation.
So to see and experience those temptations has been like battling to retain hold on reality, in a sense. Battling to remain aware of the truth of who Jesus is, in general and to me, specifically.
Before the temptation to go to CCR was temptation to turn to family and recant all things regarding Scripture and revert to pretending there aren't active abuses and madness and...so much which is unwell. Similarly disconcerting, though more subtle and sly than the temptation to go to CCR. Abuse with family was much longer-standing so that much more an ingrained expectation and acceptance. A much longer period of believing acceptable the things and lack of principle on my own part.
Not to say I do great with resting in Christ now. But He's my keeper, so He's molding and teaching and conforming. I'm just grateful.
Tempted to do so many things. And I gave in to some, even. Just of anxiety, especially, and various other things which are likewise odd. The temptation to fear is still so compelling. But I was reminded again, yesterday, that it's not about me or anything I might want or do...it's about God's love for me and His grace toward me, all through Christ. Just remembering His love. Staying there.
These things the past while have been utterly odd. Strange beyond strange.
Everybody...all of us...we're so ravaged by sin. It abounds. How much a mercy it is that grace much more abounds.
The newest and most absurd (yet, perhaps) in the list of recent temptations was yesterday. Talking about my relationship with Jesus and how He keeps me and corrects me and comforts me and provides and how He's shown Himself so faithful (as He has said He is, in His word) time and time again. And getting response from one of Mormon religion in like kind, regarding his god's faithfulness and miraculous provisions. And it became very clear for an instant, the spiritual reality of that other faith.
We're so quick to discount spiritual reality as a constant thing, a present thing, an ever-present aspect of daily life. But it's no less real. Otherwise, the God of all the universe wouldn't be as He says He is, in His direct and immediate accessibility and intervention, as a God who is near and faithful and who preserves and leads us and protects us and shelters and shields (even if not in the ways we want). There's a really weird disconnect in the western world on that point, and so much so in the church, even. That duality of thought which both believes and is incredulous.
But for an instant, I saw the reality and the impact of the religion and was tempted toward it (because that was the obvious intent, especially, but I didn't at all expect to be tempted because the whole deal is so patently against God). The Lord was so gracious as to bring to mind Scripture which set the whole at bay. But it was a very fearful moment. To even see the temptation. To draw back in revulsion, in the midst, while it still attempted to entice. And to cling to Scripture, cling to the Lord. And pray for help in being very clear in speaking adamantly to the strength of my conviction for the Truth.
Still praying about speaking with another church elder, and that whole ordeal and much of the core of grief in regard to observations granted by the Lord...well, there's nothing but to continue to pray and move in that direction, even as to email, when the Lord so gives. When and if, as He leads.
Same as all the things.
And I have been so conflicted over so many things, in the midst of all the onslaught.
Just so many utterly and equally absurd and horrific temptations, the past brief while. Clinging to the Lord. The one prior to the mormonism was temptation to again visit the previous church. No small amount of terror even linked to that thought, as temptation too. But I don't so much fear them now as just...fear to fall prey to the same delusions. All the more to be utterly confounded to even have those thoughts come to mind. I'd rather pry off a couple fingernails. It would be less painful and less scarring, on the whole. And would heal more quickly.
Or...to put more directly--it would make more sense to pry off a couple fingernails than to go to that church again. Would make a lot more sense. Just to clarify the extent of the absurdity of the temptations.
Similarly, of the mormonism temptation, I'd be better served to severe a hand. Makes much more sense. Literally. Though still a bit too conservative to do justice to the actual extent of severity of the situation.
So to see and experience those temptations has been like battling to retain hold on reality, in a sense. Battling to remain aware of the truth of who Jesus is, in general and to me, specifically.
Before the temptation to go to CCR was temptation to turn to family and recant all things regarding Scripture and revert to pretending there aren't active abuses and madness and...so much which is unwell. Similarly disconcerting, though more subtle and sly than the temptation to go to CCR. Abuse with family was much longer-standing so that much more an ingrained expectation and acceptance. A much longer period of believing acceptable the things and lack of principle on my own part.
Not to say I do great with resting in Christ now. But He's my keeper, so He's molding and teaching and conforming. I'm just grateful.
Tempted to do so many things. And I gave in to some, even. Just of anxiety, especially, and various other things which are likewise odd. The temptation to fear is still so compelling. But I was reminded again, yesterday, that it's not about me or anything I might want or do...it's about God's love for me and His grace toward me, all through Christ. Just remembering His love. Staying there.
These things the past while have been utterly odd. Strange beyond strange.
The Lord has been spending time on clarifying that temptation isn't sin, too. That's been such a huge pitfall into shame, guilt, and condemnation. But He was tempted in all ways. Without sin. In all ways, though, as humans are. That is intimidating beyond comprehension. But it's also such a point of hope. Not only did He love us all enough to endure, but His steadfast love of the Father overcame temptation. And through Him, we can overcome. He does present ways of escape. And more than anything, He is the escape.
Got schooled last night, though, on things of that nature. Part of faltering has been into moralistic and apparent obedience rather than being desired (and manifested) out of love for Him, as result of realizing, reflecting upon, and receiving His love. Been tossed about a good deal lately by various things said by others, with good intentions perhaps, and of being concerned for appearances sake what others might think of my "walk." None of which is obedience, but only further defiance.
What minor bit from Luther's writings considered last night made it seem he was very clear on that point, so it's not just my interpretation. Resting in the knowledge of His love and being changed by awareness of His manifest grace and acceptance is where life exists. Not in the law. Not in self. In God, alone. And Luther's point was that anything which is thought, felt, enacted, or otherwise existent in a person which isn't focused and rooted in remembrance of God's acceptance, love, and grace toward us...is centered elsewhere, thus is idolatrous. Because attempting anything which isn't come out of remembering and resting in the secure knowledge we're made acceptable in Christ and adopted of God through Him, thus also centered in a secure and constant remembrance of His love...is rooted in something other than truth. As goes obedience, specifically, but likewise of life in general, then.
And I'd almost forgotten the temptation to Calvinism last night, too--to revere him as a god amongst men, moreover, as seems the case. That was similarly disconcerting.
So glad I'm done. So glad it is finished.
Got schooled last night, though, on things of that nature. Part of faltering has been into moralistic and apparent obedience rather than being desired (and manifested) out of love for Him, as result of realizing, reflecting upon, and receiving His love. Been tossed about a good deal lately by various things said by others, with good intentions perhaps, and of being concerned for appearances sake what others might think of my "walk." None of which is obedience, but only further defiance.
What minor bit from Luther's writings considered last night made it seem he was very clear on that point, so it's not just my interpretation. Resting in the knowledge of His love and being changed by awareness of His manifest grace and acceptance is where life exists. Not in the law. Not in self. In God, alone. And Luther's point was that anything which is thought, felt, enacted, or otherwise existent in a person which isn't focused and rooted in remembrance of God's acceptance, love, and grace toward us...is centered elsewhere, thus is idolatrous. Because attempting anything which isn't come out of remembering and resting in the secure knowledge we're made acceptable in Christ and adopted of God through Him, thus also centered in a secure and constant remembrance of His love...is rooted in something other than truth. As goes obedience, specifically, but likewise of life in general, then.
And I'd almost forgotten the temptation to Calvinism last night, too--to revere him as a god amongst men, moreover, as seems the case. That was similarly disconcerting.
So glad I'm done. So glad it is finished.
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