Acknowledgments

I've gotten a lot of flack, including insinuations that I'm not actually saved, in regard to things presented in the last post on the main blog (well, not only in regard to that...but particularly in regard to it). Everything comes down to the truth that we all have to work out our own salvation, being individually accountable before God for what we think and do. If our hearts do not condemn us, we have confidence before God. And yet, unless He conforms our hearts to Himself, our hearts are full of darkness only.

His peace is to rule in our hearts, casting down every thought that would exalt itself against Him and knowledge of Him. We are to love.

There have been some deeply strange things going on, lately. Odd bits which have been constant onslaught of assault that had never tried me before. And misunderstandings on all sides. And suspicions, even within. And contentions, of which I've been party. And much whispering, self included. And I really want to be out of the midst of it all, and it seems as though...through particular of the misapprehensions and suspicions, that may be the case. Which is simultaneously heart-breaking and relieving.

Some really strange things have been attempted, though, and I want none of it. I love those whom the Lord has let me be alongside, but things on all sides have been really, seriously strange for the past little while. Ceasing to look continually to Christ but rather beginning to hope for things of life and family and fellowship...really proves a snare. And as convoluted as things are, now, then it's still better everything is at such condition as I'm again safe, thus seeking Christ. With so much strangeness all around, still. But such is the state of the world and each our states except to rely on Him. Prayer continues.

Including regarding living arrangements. This place where I am...there's not peace remaining here. I've tried to "rationalize" why and that's only resulted in a bunch of sin, making statements regarding circumstances and people. Similarly, giving reasons for where to leave to...if I get trapped in attempting to justify things apart from seeking the Lord to direct...will be more sin. There are two known potential options. Not to mention however many unknown options. But...however He leads. Trying to do "pros" and "cons" lists would result in having even less clarity, at this point. Trying to search Scripture about the things...except that He lead the search is going to result in a "spiritualized" pros and cons. Because ultimately, however He leads. Not emotion. If emotion were to lead, I'd go hide somewhere at this point and just never open my mouth again. That would be so much simpler, so much easier. So much less difficulty. 

Some things of late which have been especially trying regard condemnation and guilt and shame over life before and more recently over the state of my relationship with Christ, now. And I'm going to share some thoughts along these lines because I'm sick of being dogged by these things again and again. Life now is not life before. I am not sinless, except in Christ. I am not perfect, except in Christ. He imputed His righteousness to me, taking the penalty for my deserved condemnation. He bore my condemnation, my guilt, and my shame.

So the things which still try to tell me I'm filthy and wretched and worthless and should be ashamed even to speak, let alone to walk into and sit amongst and fellowship with the church...those things are all liars, regardless from whence or by whom they speak.

Yes, sin is utterly horrid and worthy all condemnation. It's atrocious and an absolute abomination against creation, as being committed against the sovereign, infinitely good Creator. Thus all the more an abomination against Him. Due punishment. Worthy of wrath. Eternal wrath, for an infinite offense. Each and every so-called small sin. Even ever having had a thought of envy, or of self-serving, or of having told a "white lie" to "save someone's feelings" or make a situation less uncomfortable. Each and every one is infinite atrocity. Against a perfectly good, perfectly loving, perfection righteous Creator who's intimately concerned with and involved in our every thought, act, and instance of existing. He created each and every one of us, intentionally. 

He created us each with great love toward us, each and every one, as His Word attests over and over again. So anyone who views otherwise also errs against Him, still.

Defying Him by acting as though apart from Him is wretched, alone.

And I did all those things, myself, before acknowledging the truth of my guilt and seeking forgiveness and acknowledging the truth of Jesus being my sovereign Master. The Lord knows our hearts, intimately. He knows my heart--every dark and stormy and stony part of it yet in need of conformation to His will. The work of sanctification, ongoing. Conformation and putting to death whatever is not like Him, transformed from image to image. And just as much as He knows what is in my heart, He knows what's not in it and knows the work He's already done--so much of which is beyond my comprehension as so unexpected, unfathomable: It's one thing to read of His work in Scripture, but so much beyond what can be stated in mere word to experience His salvation. Like as attempting to explain a rainbow to someone who has only known cloudy skies, but then they see one.

Regarding so much of the condemnation, there's remembrance with human disgust, despair, fear, and shame how much and how devastatingly every bit of abuse handed out upon me and per me went...mental and emotional effects linger, still, except that the Lord has been healing.

As goes public acknowledgement, though, because I'm sick of being dogged by all the shame and condemnation and guilt unto restraint from being simply honest about these things: I can't help what's been done to me. I can't change what bits I complied with--like being too terrified to refuse a parent. And being too terrified to tell a grandparent no multiple times. Or being too afraid, thereafter, to tell the others no when they insisted on doing things which made me uncomfortable and disgusted and afraid. Nor of the things I endured with others who wanted to use me.

I can't change those things, not even that the lattermost entailed situations which I later entered with similar intent to use others, as learned to do likewise. And I can't change the heart that was so broken and pitted and contorted over the course--deluded unto belief that touch is love and pain, and that lust is love. All combined to establish a very convoluted view and experience of love. Especially having eventually come to view physical pleasure as the primary reason for living, with all else seeming void and hollow and empty but for those few moments which ensured at least some distraction from otherwise despair and pain. I can't change having been so deluded and deceived regarding what true pleasure and true love are.

I can't change growing up in a house where pornography was readily available and accessible. I can't change becoming addicted to it as a toddler. I can't undo that and the ravages it's left on my heart and mind. Even unto continuing to allow room for temptation to still view people as objects and view sensuality as God-given beauty or to look for beauty as such rather than seeing God's image alone. I can't change that.

I can't change the resulting thus-convoluted and further broken view of love as additionally distorted by feasting on fairy-tales and Disney romances, and ultimately Harlequin and the-like of "adult" romance novels. I can't change that I aspired to have that sort of love, whatever the cost. I can't change that I tried to find it, time and again--going out of the way to find someone, anyone who expressed interest sufficient to be noticeable through the haze of self-loathing (which is pride). Can't change that I accepted being conformed to whatever was set forth as an expectation, giving in so to be acceptable. Can't change that I lived so many false romances, giving myself to many under unconscious false pretenses from all sides. I can't change that I was so deceived as to think acceptable this method of gaining companionship, according to the world's precepts for so-doing.

I can't change that I defied God's word on the sanctity and holiness of marriage, the holiness of love, and even regarding how precious and to be protected is innocence.

My innocence was marred nearly as soon as I could walk. And it was entirely downhill from that point until just over three years ago, with one final assault (hoping and praying the last assault) on Christmas Eve.

But then, three years ago somewhat precisely...to be delivered into grace. I can't change the things I've done, who I've been, the state of my heart and my mind, or what's been done to me. But Christ has changed me.

And He's been changing my heart. And cleansing my mind, even--ever with time in Scripture and meditating on Him and His word. But it's Him. He does the work. His Holy Spirit.

No amount of cognitive behavioural therapy was able to help me, before--it just rearranged the furniture, so to speak, without changing the state or presence of anything. But He can and has and does change my heart and my mind. And whatever weird sorts of assaults there are, I persist in remembering how He's delivered me before, and know He will do so again. I will keep seeking Him. 

Although I can't change the past or even that state of my heart which still awaits so much conformation, I see where He's brought me from. And I can recognize so much of what used to be a part of me--matters once so integral, so ingrained, and to such extent as to afford no space for ability to reflect. I used to think all the ways and things I was doing were useful and normal and decent, if not great--but according to the world's standards.

I considered myself pretty principled. Despite continually adjusting principles to suit circumstances.

But having God's Word as guide and His Spirit to interpret shows plainly that principles aren't self-determined. They're His, and He's the one who created us to exist in such a way as that those principles describe our "wellness guide." In a sense.

Because apart from Christ, apart from surrender to Him and acknowledgement of Him as Lord, being guided by His Holy Spirit...the Scriptures as a guide only equate to another "rule book." Whereby we can hope that we'll do things well enough that we'll get by, as long as we hit the "major points." Even convincing ourselves we are aware of and love His sovereignty, because it's part of the prescription. He's the One who does the work, though, or it's not done.

He says He will, if we trust Him. Coming to God through Christ Jesus. Only He knows the actual state of our hearts toward Him, though. We're capable of such self-deception it's absurd--He recorded that we worship the created rather than the Creator and He gives us over to deception. Surrenders us to it, is how that's always come across. As though He's actively restraining us from deception, but He eventually allows us to have what we're desiring. Desiring instead of Him.

We each have to have it out with Him, though. We're all going to come face-to-face with Him. Period. We won't be able to hide behind excuses or anything. We can't already, really. Like a toddler who lies about having done something you watched them do while they were aware you were watching. You know they did it. They know you know. But they still refuse to own up. Judgment day for each of us is going to be that day when there's nothing but blatant honesty. No hiding behind pretense. No hiding behind our own attempts at righteousness. Either we'll be found in Christ, or we'll be consumed.

Turning to Him continually is the thing. Trusting Him continually. Not a seeking to do right by Him, though He does call us to walk in a manner worthy. But we can't unless He empowers. External conformity isn't what's the issue, though it is something that comes about as the heart is conformed. From the inside out, though.

All through the new testament, there are pleas to turn to Him, return to Him, put away and put off the old deeds. And but by His grace, I'm hoping and trusting in Him for continued deliverance and direction. There's no one else to turn to. No one else can change my heart. He has, and He promises to continue the work He began, unto completion.