Prayer for Fellowship

Today was my first experience street preaching. Not at any length, at all. But reading from the Word of God, sharing the Gospel of Christ, and exhorting people to repent. Using a small speaker-thing. At an abortion clinic, which means there was also exhortation to let the children live.

The significance of this is...I just don't even know. I had longed, absolutely and utterly longed to preach on the streets, shortly after coming to Christ.

And quite frankly, I still feel really conflicted about that, given I'm female. I can't pastor, as Christ is the head of the church, the husband the head of the house, and thus eldership for the local church bodies is also intended to align as being male, representative or ordained order and the authority of God.

I'll be praying about this. But it was something that was given, today. And by one of the elders of the church with which I was participating in the ministry.

Oh, Lord...have mercy.

There are so many things right now which are so utterly and completely beyond my understanding. Not the least of which is the continued desire for marriage, as submitted to God. This is just weird to me--sincerely, openly wanting something while acknowledging I have no control over fulfillment whatsoever, in context of accepting that as being...truly, actually, somehow okay? Like, this isn't a driving force? There's not desperation? There's not a sense of lack, even? Just desiring and accepting? And, further,  the presence of this desire doesn't distract from or detract from my walk with Christ: Rather, there's actually an echo in this, to the longing for Christ, Himself...effectively reminding me of my deeper longing for Him, and turning unto Him?

Y'all, dis crazy.

I mean, I could poke at this and prod at it all the more again and become unsettled and unrested, turning away from the Lord and unto my own understanding once more, or some other turn likewise.

But I've got enough productive, good, godly things to keep me occupied right now--I don't feel inclined toward creating drama, needlessly, just for the sake of further plumbing depths of my own wretchedness. Perish the thought.

That's just what a lot ends up equating to, unfortunately--either I stay busy in the Lord, or I stay busy unto sin. I'm not really someone who has capacity for middle ground in that realm (does anyone, really?). And I'm far more sinful than I know. Christ is also far more sufficient and powerful than I recognize.

Someday, though, I'll see Him as He is. And I'll be like Him at that point--as to be able to see Him as He is. That's inconceivably merciful. He will be glorified through even me.

Going to have to sleep momentarily.

Communicated exceedingly briefly with my Bangledeshi missionary person, today, for the first time in probably a year. Been praying, though.

And weirdness with some family is such that I'm waiting in prayer for the next step further. Things now, even, are so much different than a year ago on that front. SO much different. The communication which has recently taken place was not even remotely a possibility a year ago.

Going to keep praying, waiting upon the Lord, and acting as He gives grace to do so. Don't count it slowness, please. He's been doing necessary work in all parties concerned, over the intervening intervals.

I'm really hoping to have friends again, soon. People to hang out with, again. I don't understand why I haven't "clicked" with people where I've been attending church. I just know that I haven't. And I've tried. And they've tried. And it's just been...weird. Not bad. But...just not connecting. Like I have other interests. They have other interests. Or, I don't even know. Maybe the whole of the problem is me? It was where I was last attending.

I miss their fellowship. I miss the friends I had. I wish I'd been able to better endure. I wish I'd been able to set aside my griefs. So many things. There were friendships. I was a part of community.

Maybe I am now, too, and it's just odd feeling? I really don't know. I am going to keep asking for guidance.

Momentary Reflection, Partial

The hand. The arm, rather. A needle stuck in, mid-arm, puncturing a nerve. Twice struck, but the first time utterly direct. And such pain.

Sometimes, after the fact, it seems possible to look back and interpret signs. My right hand was stricken, reduced. Constant pain, wearying. I was limited.

How representative was this, in actual truth, of the reality that I had been increasingly forsaking to acknowledge God in all my ways? Though in one specific circumstance, only, truly...but still, increasingly turning to my own understanding and reinterpreting all which passed as somehow being within purview of God's will...apart from the Word, apart from prayer.

In a certain light, retrospectively, it can look to me now as though God allowed the enemy to attack and maim. He permitted me to be stricken. And in the midst of being felled, He allowed me to falter. He permitted me to give over to what was evil. Only to ultimately convict me of the reality of my wretchedness, all the more clearly, that I would be humbled all the more from perceiving myself as strong, perceiving myself as pure, perceiving myself as above others. Or even as below others, in terms of viewing my sins as more grievous. That I would see and know all the more clearly that my strength is in Christ, alone, He let my strength be removed.

The vital need for communion with Him and direction from Him and acknowledging Him increasingly and always in my ways...was forsaken, for a time, and I was desolate and bereft and utterly lost in darkness apart from still clinging to a shred of hope in the reality of Christ as redeemer, and committing to the sure knowledge that He could deliver, despite my asking for what was not His will. And pleading, even.

I am disgusted with the sin, now, and humbled by the deeper realization of my position of truly depending on God for all things--including for my walk with Him, and especially the security of my being fixed upon Him.

There's a slight echo of that, now, in having my strength once more felled, physically. My right arm is in constant pain and grown weak. My hand becomes less agile as the days pass, under strain of continued use. And yet I proclaim Him, I profess Him, and I continue on...even as a point of strength has been taken from me, external. I am otherwise bereft, also, and yet now...I am humbled unto God, in all this.

And He is giving strength. For He is my strength. And I will trust Him and endure howsoever He leads. Open hands, with that which was unto strength being kept, withdrawn as only unto Christ. And I cannot endure, I cannot bear. I become weaker and weaker. But He has, and He will. And His strength toward me increases. All the sweeter now, His fellowship.

Whatever comes or goes, I will trust Him--the One who loved me and gave His life for me. Do likewise.

How Sweet It Is

After today, I am going to have to stop using my right hand for non-necessities. Which includes typing. I can text one-handed, if slowly. But these lengthy posts, definitely not. And for that matter, being on Facebook in general would be a place not needed. I want to hone my focus on the Lord and seek Him more ardently, in the time that's been allotted to that end.

And part of that is through diligent study. Part, through ministry/fellowship. And prayer.

Being online, distractions are rife. Far too easy to waste time staring at marginally informative, marginally edifying materials in rapid sequence, rather than honing focus by pursuing matters which are truly, personally needful unto growth in Christ and understanding of Him. I want to be more intentional. I want to make better use of my time. And my finances.

We'll see. For now, I need to make a phone call. I may write here again briefly later, or possibly on Facebook (maybe no, enough mess there, enough distance enforced).

My chipmunk friend and a rabbit are near, now. The squirrel isn't. Perhaps due to the rain.

The Lord was so kind today, of time with other saints. And my heart is warmed to them in a way which it hadn't fully been before, to see and appreciate who each is as a brother and sister in Christ. So joyful it is, indeed, when the brethren get along. My heart is full, with this. Even still grieved, I am so full of gratitude and joy--thanksgiving unto the Lord for fellowship, beloved brethren and sisters whom I spurned the company of for so long, wrongly, to my own detriment. I was not in a place where I could be at liberty to interact. I'm grateful the Lord has humbled me and healed me to be able to love.

Whatever's Next

I am super struggling, right now. Have to keep taking things back to the Lord. As even my protests and requests for prayer at this point are rife with pain edging toward bitterness, which grieves me all the more.

The Lord knows my needs. Intimately. Better than I ever will. And He tends to them. Better than I ever could.

I'm scared. And I hurt, in so many ways. And I don't understand. And I am desperate not to dishonor the Lord again, and that scares me absolutely more than anything and hurts more than any of the rest. And that's the hardest part of recent changes, having been given and then deprived of a source of continual edification and exhortation unto Christ, and care besides.

But the return from that, at least, seems to be repentance on a deeper level than I'd had any inkling was coming, in directions which I have yet to truly begin to realize the extents. Many others taking the place of the one, even. Which, is better.

I know this.

There's a temptation to bemoan the recognition, now, that were I not so dreadfully solitary, recent developments with the fellow who was pursuing me may not have terminated as they did. Were I more socially connected, there wouldn't have been availability of all hours of the day and night. Were I more accountable to more people in life, surely someone would have indicated how unwise it was to proceed so heedless of restraint (well, the Lord did indicate as much, but I opted to continue anyway...because I fail).

So, he's away now. I'm not even sure if we can actually be friends. I would like that, but I just feel like it's an imposition at this point, since I'm no longer viewed as a potential candidate for pursuit and he's moved on to seek out and pursue others. I hope just being disqualified as a romantic partner doesn't disqualify from a desire for friendship, but it might. My presence might be repugnant at this point. Which...makes me sad to consider as a realistic possibility, especially in context of how much the opposite was true just a couple weeks ago.

I don't want to be a nuisance or a burden, if that's the case, being present. But at this juncture, I need more people in my life, and there are no other spaces or avenues I know of to pursue. I wouldn't have even considered this one, had he not been so adamant..which is what's so absolutely ironic about the whole.

I was convicted of my sin of hardheartedness and else, against prior place of worship and brothers and sisters there, through interaction with this one. And entreated again and again to come, as part of being pursuit unto marriage. And I dug my heels in, against the idea of it. Until past the point of reason, and now...it's too late, with him. But in the wake, I've been humbled to the reality of my sin. And in the wake, I've realized something of the depth of the wrong I've done against folks who were once...and realistically still are...dear to me. And I have embarked upon a course of reconciliation. And have thus far been embraced, forgiven, welcomed.

And I need this, like I need air. I don't want to be so alone.

I don't know what else to do. The alternative I'd been presented with in February was to join small groups at other churches. Which...I looked into, and have been praying about. I started attending an evening service at another church, was invited to a singles group. And I'm going to keep attending the church and will go to group events when possible. Last one I was invited to...was a movie. And I would have even gone, if I hadn't been so ill with a respiratory infection.

This other place, my former church...there are more folks at my stage in life even than at the place I just had begun attending. More ministry opportunities, more continually. And social groupings, too. More than where I currently attend, though the place is larger. I just...I'm not a take-charge sort of person. If I lead, it's through serving. And through prayer--I had been so desirous of so many of the sorts of ministry opportunities which are now a part of normal operations at this place I've been asked to return, by the new friend.

I wish things hadn't gone as they did. I wish I'd had better boundaries. I wish I'd been more restrained in the amount of time allotted. But it was such a joy being in fellowship unto Christ, so much. And such a joy having someone to talk with, so much, to communicate with--rather than it primarily being me and the Lord, alone.

I do enjoy being with the Lord, alone. In my little (luxurious) cave on the mountain. But someone once told me that you have to come down from the mountain to serve. And I hope to meet with her again, sometime soon. I keep gravitating to caves on mountains, though the actual isolation is a snare to me.

Which is sin. I just...Lord, You know. There've been seasons of joyful isolation unto You. Seasons where I would have no other companion, at all. And delighted in Your fellowship solely and wanted only to ever and always be alone with You. Reveling in the truth and love of Christ--who He is, what He's done, and learning of Him. But I do feel an impulse to connect, now. Lord, You've healed so much in me which was utterly shattered. You've knit me back together in love, a vessel fit for wrath recast as one to bear forth Your glory to the world, incomprehensible that the Gospel would be unto me and through me to be passed. You've crushed me, to rework me.

I am so sorry for all this, Lord. All this brokenness. And my wretchedness. I am such a mess. And I'm not fit for marriage, either. I know this. I still need to heal a bit more. I need not to rush in, headlong, to interaction. I am afraid to get to know people, but I will trust You with my heart and to guard it. And help me not be a nuisance or a burden to my friend, Father. I've wreaked so much havoc.

I will wait, and will press on unto Christ. And I will grieve so many things, not least of which are the dreams which my own sin-stained hands have shattered so recklessly and heedlessly, on impulse. And all of it is in Your hands, Father. I have not done as much damage as I could do, but I've done so much. And I don't know how to stop. I feel as though even trying to be amenable and agreeable as part of establishing a new norm of some sort, wanting to continue interaction on a different level...has still been damaging. But I don't know. I have no way to know, apart from being told. And that door...I don't think it's open. I've tried today to ask, but too late. If I'd messaged yesterday, that wouldn't have been any better.

The airing of my dilemma regarding marriage, though...? It's what it is. One of my mentors questions the wisdom of having written in such a way as to make myself sound utterly impossible. But the thing is, I feel as though interaction has proven so much of its own. But maybe even writing as such...says another thing, if even it's been perused. Who knows. I certainly don't.

But I keep vacillating--between committing the course of marriage entirely to the Lord, and still holding it up as a desire. Maybe really the middle ground is the way through, always. I do desire marriage, and I believe it may be in His will for me...but maybe I should just continue to present my heart to the Lord, openly entirely. He knows my desire. And I've asked Him again and again, to prepare me.

The things I know I need to do, I am undertaking. And those matters which He has yet to work though, some I am aware of as upcoming. But I don't know.

To Arms

I'm going to write despite the pain. Until I'm told not to or I lose the ability. My doctor believes the nerve will completely heal eventually

Today was a very small step forward. I do indeed need to rejoice in what Christ has done for me, setting all else aside. Just Him.

Things are...interesting.

I've been reflecting on conversations with a girl met in Tennessee, recently. In December, 2015. Having a crisis of faith, she pulled off the road and put on her emergency lights (hazards, I know). I went back to talk with her until, maybe it was 3am?

She was having a horrible time adjusting to the shock of returning to Western culture. She had been following the Lord on the West Coast, traveling with her dog (a huge German shepherd she'd gotten in Germany) through the forests and finding tribal people in the areas of...I'm assuming Northern California, or somewhere thereabouts or further north...and sharing the Gospel of Christ with them. And she was recounting with longing and a great deal of despair how wonderful and keen a joy it was to have to depend abjectly upon the Lord, every single day, for every single thing--for food, for direction, for interaction. For everything needful.

And then, He led her back to society. To care for her ailing mother. And she was becoming involved in work again, as a busser at a restaurant. And she felt as though her life had lost absolutely all meaning, as though everything was suddenly at an absolute standstill and there were no longer any moments of utmost sweetness in the throes of abject dependence upon the Lord for everything.

Most conversations are indirect, as goes picking apart a situation, unveiling and exploring what's at stake. But the extent of her despair evidenced how great was her need still, to cast all upon Christ and depend upon Him with every bit as much a cry for deliverance and provision as in the wilderness, elsewhere. The notion of having everything handed over easily in one's work is so beguiling, though. The idea of having no needs lacking, so false.

Our needs are greater than food and shelter. If we aren't rich toward God, we have nothing which will aid us regarding our most fundamental requirement for life. And there's always the need for guidance and discernment of speech.

A friend was with me, and I admit that bits of the conversation were definitely beyond the scope of what's commonly accepted as normal, and definitely unsettling for her. Same, of the offer to pray for deliverance from anxiety. But...such is as it was, and I've been learning greater grace and tact from the Lord, over time. I've had to learn how to follow more closely and depend more completely, same as we all do.

That's been on my mind a lot lately, though.

There've been times when I have been sorely tempted to (again) get rid of everything I own, to go homeless and share the Gospel. I've researched viable means of supporting myself and surviving the lifestyle. And I've asked the Lord about it again and again, asking Him to let me go.

But it's not really where my heart is, where I feel called, I think. If ever that changes, He'll guide me. But I don't foresee that being so.

Similarly, I had dealt with a deep desire to go to Israel, shortly after coming to the Lord--to go and plead with God's chosen nation. I still yearn to see them come to Him. To know their Messiah, our God.

I met a Jewish man at recent work, and was at least briefly able to tell him that was so. My God is His Messiah, I told him. He didn't respond to that, but later made some brief commentary, joking about churches, evidencing something of his knowledge of evangelical Protestantism. I will pray for him.

Point being, I don't have to go to Israel to plead with them. Whomever He sends me to, wherever. And I will trust for the grace to have boldness and clarity, bit by bit.

He did allow me to plead the Gospel with the folks at work who spoke with me most. And I prayed for that of others, too, but it was only a couple. But still. And a gift, to serve them all and pray for them while there. The Lord's will be done, each to each.

I can't continue there because of the damage to my arm. I will probably have to stop typing for a while. Or at least minimizing, severely. In order to be able to work again, and not to lose further function.

One of my dearest friends and I were blessed to read and very briefly study Revelation a few days ago, via FaceTime, and she made a comment about us going to Jerusalem together, to witness and evangelize. And I did initially jump at the idea, but the more I think on it...the more sorrowful I am, realizing that's not where I feel called to go. And maybe the Lord will change that, too--I really don't know.

But of the way it's been, and the way I am driven, I desire to share the Gospel with those who are here, in my country. To the poor, the rejected, the broken, the downcast, those who are addicted and desperate (as I once was), and those who know nothing of love or truth in the world. To the marginalized and the poor. And to all others whom the Lord allows me speech with, of these matters.

My home country seems very much to be my field. My burden is for souls here. And not to be in academic or scholarly, nor even any other sort of Christian employ. He keeps calling me to work among the masses of the world. And sometimes...I go to churches, too. I used to visit a lot of churches, by myself. And would usually speak with the pastors.

I still pray for them, as they come to mind.

And He's given me an odd connection to ministry with children, too, despite my fearfulness and feelings of abject inadequacy--I wasn't raised in a way to know how to care for children. I have seen myself as completely unfit, especially given the darkness I walked in for so many years. The innocence of children is so utterly precious to me, and I don't want to mar that by even my presence. But I've been assured and reassured time and again that I do well, very well with children. I just pray and trust the Lord continually to guide and to help me lovingly care for those near me. Despite my disinclination, He's had me help with toddlers and kindergarteners, and high school children. Consistently, these past few years.

So, now it's been brought to my attention again that I could substitute teach. I'd been told as much, perhaps it was in 2016. I considered it, but didn't pursue. But now, it's actually viable--the girl who got me into the recent contract position (which I can no longer do) is in the school system.

Then, this may be the course. I have always felt wholly inadequate to guide children. I love them dearly, but I just have no idea what I'm doing. Yet, despite that, I led a children's group for the Salvation Army weekly for a couple years, 2009 through 2012 (I think it was that long), and helped twice with an annual United Nations high school conference, leading a classroom independently at least once. And I've co-taught a full year of kindergarten Sunday school, and have been proctoring the SAT at the local high school for over two years now.

I'm not sure how it happened that the Lord got me to do these things, without my awareness of what I've been doing. Without me realizing this has been a consistent development and process in my life. But He has been.

And now maybe into teaching. I've prayed about that time and again, in spite of myself. We'll see how He leads.

Inner city teaching?

Or poverty stricken rural areas?

Or both, by turns--I don't know.

But I do know He has works for me which He has ordained for me to walk in. And I've railed against Him at times, over this particular matter--that of any and all things He could ever ask me to do, He could not have me work with children, as I am just utterly unprepared and completely inept, and unfit. Just wholly unfit. As for marriage, also, which I recently committed to Him...that He would make me a good wife, prepare me to be a good wife. Because I don't know how. And I'm ill-equipped. Not that it's necessarily even a matter that He'll give. But...I want more than anything to do well, in such a role. To honor the Lord and my husband. To love the Lord well, above all, and to love my husband well, as the Lord would give. If ever He does.

And again, I know that if He doesn't ever allot that, if He never gives me away in marriage to one of earth, then He knows what's best for me. And I am grateful that He doesn't listen to me, when I plead for things which would not be His will.

This, of teaching though...I don't know. It seems fairly viable a course.

There's great need. And it's not hugely financially rewarding, so from what I understand fewer and fewer folks enter in. Besides which, it's a firestorm, bureaucratically. Of all the places in general society right now which present the greatest and most dangerous a minefield (regarding livelihood and tenure, as it were)...that is certainly in the top few. Public schooling. All manner of ungodliness has been unleashed, and the children are enduring an onslaught of horrors. God has been forbidden entry, while every demonic teaching is increasingly being implemented and set forth as reasonable from even the very youngest age.

They need defenders. They need intercessors. They need ambassadors of Christ who are willing to enter into the fray and walk solemnly, humbly with God while interceding in prayer and service and unto the sharing of the Gospel in any way possible, as led by God, Himself.

Working in another public, yet not-for-profit sector which similarly defies God while exalting demonic doctrine for three years...was a foretaste, if it is the course God would have me tread. But at least with this prior job, there were specific provisions which made it so that I could share more boldly than possible with children present.

Who knows. However God leads, then He will have to lead.

This is my mission field, though. My home country. These are the ones for whom He has given me the burden, to reach, and with whom to plead the Gospel.

More than anything, though, there is prayer.

Don't take for granted that wherever you are, there's a great need to submit all things to God for guidance. The people you walk beside today, if you walk...the people you see outside your window...the others in the market or at the corner...do they know Christ as their Lord? Are they living in defiance of God? Will they enter into judgment without having humbled themselves in repentance, casting all upon Christ for mercy?

And I do believe in election. I see it in Scripture. Yet, He calls us to make disciples. Not to assume we know who is who. God has created and He sustains all. He makes it to shine on the just and the unjust, and to rain on the evil and the good. He calls us to this sort of perfection, too--not to be hardhearted, but to plead with all, while He lets the tares and wheat grow together.

We have the Gospel. We know the truth of God's wrath, righteous and just against a sinful, corrupt created people...and also of His redemption in Christ, son of God, who died for us. We see the wrath to come for those whom we walk amongst. He has given us eyes to see this, that we turned from it ourselves and have trusted wholly in Christ. If we see others perishing as we once were, do we not have a debt as those with sight, to plead with the blind that they would avoid the pit?

You judge the matter, yourself, from the Word, from Christ's words and life and work, and from the revelation of God in the Gospel. Wherever you are. Pray that He will give you opportunity to compassionately, clearly begin to plead truth with those around you. Pray that He will lead you in how to do so. We see so many different ways which Paul presented the Gospel, to different audiences. And even going back so many times, to teach and preach. We need be led, too, and given wisdom for our speech also. That we wouldn't cast pearls before swine, but would ask the God of sight and hearing to open eyes and ears to hear truth, and even if we would speak in parables until that moment when He allots for a full disclosure...then always praying and pleading that He will present that opportunity and the boldness to do so, fully, in that moment. While entreating them all the while, as God entreated us...pleading reconciliation, by all means and any means--and for myself, there were so many means He used.

Pray for wisdom. Pray for a desire to do these things. And pray for me too, on all these counts.

We need not slumber, just because matters around us seem secure. Rather, all the more call to be alert and awake, since our circumstances induce a sort of sleepiness, dreaminess, a sense of false comfort and false peace--saying "Peace, peace!," when there is none. Reject what is false, cling to what is true, indeed. Cling to Christ, and Him crucified for us. Now living, ever reigning and interceding.

Let us be about our God and Father's business, then, shall we?

Idolatry of Man and Marriage

Things are super weird, everywhere right now.

I've been increasingly convicted to just absolutely let go of the hope/desire/longing for marriage. To surrender it all the more fully to the Lord. At this precise moment, the conviction is strong enough that I'm not despairing unto clinging...finding it possible to endure pain with gratitude and rejoicing unto God.

What gets me, though, is there's an undercurrent, nearly subconscious, which wants to continue to privately (i.e., apart from submitting to God's will) hold onto the desire for marriage, under premise that...unless I maintain and continue to privately retain this desire, it won't come into being as fulfilled. As though God can't be trusted to do what's right.

That constitutes a revelation of all sorts of weirdness in my heart.

Will further delve momentarily.

An alternate current has to do with the notion that ...oh, it's slipped from me again--I didn't let go the former idea quickly enough.

So, I suppose to go with the other for a moment longer.

There's this idea that's not uncommon amongst the masses of the world, whereby if we want something then we have to remain focused on it, as part of pursuit, in order for it to come to fruition. As though, unless a person is consciously aware of an intended action or desire, somehow things will not come into bearing, unto fulfillment of "need." As though, for instance, my ability to obtain work rested not in the taking of steps toward it and the favor of God per being hired...but in the strength of my desire for that job. The underlying assumption is always that we are the ones who best understand ourselves and those things which are good for us, which is short-sighted and entirely selfish--not God-honoring at all.

There are occult practices (including new age) wholly focused upon honing will along such lines as to manifest into the tangible what is desirable, at the extreme end of this line of reasoning.

But the reality is, my desire for work, for a husband, for a family--for whatever else...doesn't determine the appropriation of these, from the Lord. No matter what my thoughts are on recent developments, it's the Lord's will which matters. And He doesn't owe me anything (this is not in contradiction to the reality that we know all things fundamentally necessary will be added unto us, as we seek His kingdom--in context of all Paul said regarding being able to accomplish all things through Christ, and of Psalmists' remarks about never seeing the righteous utterly forsaken...all, in context of His will and wisdom being unsearchable and unfathomable, and His thoughts unlike our thoughts). However, the fact of the matter is, I don't actually know what's truly necessary for my health, healing, well-being in the Lord, and spiritual growth--not even remotely aware, apart from God's faithful guidance, provision, and revelation the matters. As in truth, I know I only barely, partially recognize the graces worked through His providence in even the most blatant blessings--and even then, only as He allows me the insight.

Period.

A study of Jeremiah with Larry Crabb last night discussed the reality of some of the pitfalls which can be fallen into, regarding wrong regards toward the Lord:

We hurt and struggle and can begin to think of Him as merely a helpful God, thus beginning to expect comforts from Him. With my present pain and the inhibited use of my right hand, the temptation on this front could be to think that just because I know He's the Great Physician and the God of all comforts...that this would somehow mean that He must give me healing, must allow this to fully heal. He may, but He may not, too. And He's no less good for it, either way. And He's used it already to remind me that all my strength is from Him

Another angle Crabb discussed was that we may selfishly view God as a Father who will give us whatever gifts we deem necessary, being desirable. This is the angle which most convicted me, regarding my desire for marriage and the perception that matters had been so seemingly optimal with recent friend: "It all seems utterly well, so let me have this!"

That's not how things work. And to confess the wretchedness of my heart a bit further, I had been harboring ill in my heart toward the Lord, which He began blatantly convicting me of in February:
I continued crying out for companionship, for marriage, for someone to walk with as to draw nearer the Lord alongside, as not to be so horribly solitary and as to have solidarity in faith with someone who TRULY prospered my spiritual walk with Christ (there've been MANY I've briefly been alongside whose walks were so utterly different than mine, that though they weren't unholy, just being near/living with them was enough to wreak havoc in my relationship with Christ). Fool that I am, I accused God in my heart of being unfair and cruel to withhold such things from me.

I am so upset over this now. He is so good to me. Always so kind, and the lavish kindnesses He's consistently provided? I mean--His son????

I am an idiot of the first order. A vile wretch, to accuse my loving Father of withholding from me what is good, and even further, to accuse Him of tormenting me--as though He were consistently continuing to withdraw from me those things which seemed most necessary to my well-being, accusing also that He was taunting me by holding out supposed gifts, allowing me to become wholly emotionally engaged, and then snatching them away. As though it were some sort of sick game. My selfishness, my self-exaltation, my pride, and much other sin has been the problem all the while--my idolatry and unwillingness to keep all submitted to God...yet I turned around and accused Him of being the evildoer in the matter. Perish the thought, terrifying.

Do you see how wicked this is, though? How absolutely horrific to have such thoughts about Him, who is the Lover of my soul? About the One who gave His life to redeem me from the wrath due me, and from the power of sin?

If I could crawl beneath the earth to hide my shame and the wretchedness of my grief over having so completely and horribly erred against Him...the shamefulness and the abject horrific reality of my error would cry out no less.

He is good Always and wholly good. It's my sin, my idolatry of my own understanding (exalted above His) and of my desire/covetousness for these matters of companionship (even using Scriptures against Him, taunting Him myself--I am horrible, friends)...which has so corrupted my interpretations that I would dare perceive my holy, ever-loving, truly long-suffering Heavenly Father as being other than He is--He is kind, gentle, patient, good, full of love toward me in Christ, and disciplining me unto my good and my conformity to the image of Christ. He knows what I need.

His wrath upon sin is truly just.

I have to truly surrender, and let go of the idea that I need marriage. And I have to leave it resting upon the altar of His love and kindness and mercy toward me in Christ.

My heart is raw, over this. I feel as though I've had my flesh abraded and left exposed...as though some scar has been peeled off, revealing tender, raw flesh. And I must trust Him with this, that I will not turn toward self in some other fashion, to mask this pain and sense of vulnerability.

He is a good Father, is the thing: He isn't going to give me something which would destroy me. And idolatry is ever unto destruction. So, realistically, if having a husband would mean that I would not be safe, spiritually, He knows that...and He is not going to give me that which would destroy me.

The only way I will ever be safe in that scenario is if I truly surrender this idol and submit to God. Yet that doesn't guarantee He will allot either, now or ever. The rightfulness of appropriation must be trusted to Him wholly, though, and desire continually submitted to Him if and/or when I begin ever to pick up the idea of my superior understanding of my needs, once more. I must rejoice in Him in all matters, and that be the course at core and always. Regardless of circumstances or provision. He knows my needs and He will provide what is needful and good.

It's taken me this long in life to even be able to openly admit to the reality of this situation, in my heart (i.e., to myself). The fact of the matter is, for nearly as long as I've lived, I've felt entitled to companionship, as an unstated development believed most fundamentally necessary to "complete me." And I've believed there was nothing short of that which would suffice unto fulfillment and satisfaction in life.

I have never fully acknowledged those thoughts to anyone, openly. But the many years prior to coming to Christ, this has been the case...

How much an idol is this, then? How longstanding? I was awoken to those desires prior to speech being a matter freely endeavored. I still clearly remember my first "crush," and the desire for I knew not what, but of something "vital." (And he remembered me, too, when we encountered one another a couple years ago--though now, I'm of an age where we're contemporaries...and he is not someone who follows the Lord.)

And the next fellow, who I adored for over a decade... In later years, his mom approached me and remarked upon that early attachment to him and how she'd hoped someday...

...but he married. He never saw me as anything more than a quirky, overzealous (thus interesting) friend.

And there were others, along the course of these years...again and again, of whom I silently hoped. I saw so many traits which were so very desirable, in each, is all: Kindness, gentility, humility, quiet strength, a willingness to stand up in the face of wrongdoing. Moral fortitude.

And just sincerity, most often.

Over time, I lost the ability to as easily discern what these even were. But it didn't really matter anyway--none of it was honorable nor God-honoring. I used and was used. There was so much brokenness and pain, sin at the core of it all. My sights were continually fixed on the idea that in order to find peace and fulfillment, I had to know and understand myself and pursue whatever matters were most well-suited to my personality and proclivities. And none of it was unto peace. I tried to be systematic, varying angles of approach to life and fulfillment--even regarding interactions and potential relationships. But, still, empty and disconnected.

I wanted companionship all along, but many places it seemed to be found was with some of whom abuse was rife in one form or another. I didn't know how to relate, otherwise. That was all that felt...acceptable, and worthy of me. Those I met who weren't blatantly abusive, though...

...well, I didn't really talk, in any case. So much was smoke and mirrors. In all my searching for myself, I kept running from the truth of who I was--a sinner, denying God's reality and pre-eminence. And so whatever I shared was partial truth, again and again--always shifting, depending upon mood and the perspective of the moment. Nothing seemed founded on reality.

But I was very much driven by a desire, always, for companionship. Though I denied it to myself and to others, except in rare moments of clarity when I would come to the end of an attempted interaction with someone realizing I couldn't handle suppressing the truth of what bits I knew of reality well enough to manage being a partner.

If none of that makes especially clear sense, I think that's perfectly acceptable. I'm trying to give an overview of decades' worth of progression of perception and interaction, and that in and of itself is I think a bit too expansive to be easily summed with precision for apt conveyance.

Just, the whole of the matter was that I wanted companionship. I have nearly always wanted a relationship. Through most of my life prior to Christ, I didn't identify that as a desire for marriage, due to the brokenness I was accustomed to and due to how significantly that was downplayed in regard to myself, as a child.

I sometimes think I have ever been seen as an object of possession and gratification, and generally treated as such.

But in the midst of that sort of brokenness, I kept trying to make some sort of headway with any ability to form a meaningful, lasting relationship. And discussed terms. And...still...things did not go. I wouldn't marry anyone who didn't actually want to marry me, who viewed it as some sort of concession to convention or means to a personal goal (citizenship) or as a concession to appease me, in terms of manipulating my behavior.

None of them knew me. Or wanted to know me. I could know them, but they did not know me. And did not want to know me. And the few men who have wanted to know me or who got to know me at all...just weren't interested. I'm not thin enough. I'm not pretty enough. I'm not successful enough. I don't come from a good enough family. I don't possess enough skill with hospitality and social graces. I'm just not skilled and presentable enough to be desirable.

I'm not marketable.

All the more so, now that I follow Christ.

I've been told to lay off some of the religious stuff, if I want to have any chance at a relationship. And have been told as much by even well meaning folks, who I guess don't know me as well as they think?

It's well meaning advice. I know it is. But I don't see how becoming more worldly is going to help me spiritually, when it comes to finding someone with whom I would want to spend my life seeking Christ.

This guy, though. This recent man. I've never met anyone like him. I miss feeling safe with him, perhaps more than anything. But I'm safe with the Lord, before anyone else. And even if things in the world are painful and scary...I know it's only as the Lord would have done, when harm comes to me.

I just really like the idea of having someone who would protect me from doctors. But that's such a maudlin thought.

All this is, now.

Of all this, the matter at hand is that through so much of the process of ardently desiring and haphazardly entering attempts toward companionship...I was lying to myself about the truth of the idolatry of that particular desire. Of those matters which I most wanted, that was central and fundamental in all realms--and largely entirely unmentioned, as being so wholly central to my being. I hid that idol from everyone, as it had been mocked when I was a child. And so it became a secret sin which suffused and informed pretty much everything I did.

Even the delving into the occult, as I did. That was a pursuit on such a line, too, which ultimately led unto a familiar spirit. Which was my companion for a long while, on and off.

None of it was satisfactory, though.

In those moments when I did have the companionship, I still found myself at a loss. And part of it was matter of feeling cloistered, as though I had to deny the truth of who I was in order to be accepted (usually so)...but also as though I was being prevented from continuing to pursue that which mattered. I wanted growth. I wanted development.

I wanted truth.

And I still do.

But most folks I've met are content with amusement. Content to just bide time, as the hours pass. Time without thought. The challenge of continual growth was not appealing.

And now...I'll have more people. More connection. Not to be as solitary, in seeking the Lord.

I think.

Anyways.

The whole of things, of the idolatry again, is that it was so deep rooted that I refused to even acknowledge the presence: so central my being. Not as central as pride, certainly--self-exaltation being the root of all else which is sin.

But this...was probably the one nearest and next most fundamental.

When I came to Christ, a couple different things happened in respect to this longstanding idol, within the first year. First, I wandered across the Psalm that talks about desires of one's heart being given, and I fully, consciously thought to myself basically, "Now at last, I will have a husband: I will delight myself in the Lord, and He will give me a husband."

That...didn't happen with any immediacy. In fact, life got straight-up crazy, instead. Insane, really. So, that was still a desire, but put far on the back burner in the midst of all the havoc, and in the midst of the sweetness of the nearness of the Lord, I rejected the idea of marriage wholesale: I couldn't control for it, see? And I couldn't foresee the Lord fulfilling that desire. So, choosing to reject what wasn't within my reach was an act of trying to wholly prefer what was present...which just suppressed the truth of idolatry. Not addressing it, yet dealing with it oddly...suppressed it from view.

Resenting the lack of fulfillment, moreover, was kind of turning up my nose at my own deep-seated desire while trying to pretend it was no longer within me--instead of surrendering my desire to God.

I spent the next couple years running from the desire for marriage, continuing to ostensibly reject desire. I'd even made such professions along the course of time, on here. I was claiming not to want marriage at all, because I did not want to want marriage. Which ended up allowing for a confession which felt like an act of superiority: Out of rage, really. Impotent rage at being unable to influence or move the hand of God. And resentment at feeling inferior and denied, in fellowship with many others happily married and professing the joys (and trials) of marriage. I was enraged at being told I ought to marry, as it's sanctifying: If I could have married someone whom I thought was suitable, I would have. But I would not and will not marry absolutely anyone, just for the sake of being married. That's ludicrous. If I were to do that, I may as well just sell myself to the highest bidder, because that's what it equates to doing: Find whoever is the most profitable a match, since the person doesn't matter as much as the desired outcome. That...still, is something I just won't do.

It's not that there aren't men now who have been interested in me, even. Some have. But...for various reasons, I just haven't been interested or in a place where that's feasible or there's been problem on their end. It's not been of God, ultimately.

A thing about sin, though: It's deceptive. I can make that strong statement about the reality of my rage being what it was, simultaneous with seemingly sanctified professions of rejection of marriage, in light of the recognition that sin is just that deceptive. There's now humiliation at not having been remotely cognizant of my shamefulness, and grief over having so erred against God on this point. Letting go the shame and grief will be a day to day thing, taken before the Lord. But the fact of the matter is, I don't think any of us realize how shameful our sin actually is, or we wouldn't proceed in it from the first.

As uncultured and uncivilized as I am, in general, it seems very much like very often there are many things which aren't quite even a matter of sin, but just ignorance of decorum which are even shameful, yet which I don't have insight to avoid. So for there to be shame in regard to mere passing, human things?--how much more, concerning matters in opposition to the Sovereign of our Universe?

Again, though. This whole matter has been fraught with difficulty from the fore. Much a problem of focus and outworking of pride.

I have been...so arrogant. So very, very arrogant. In so many ways. I've spurned so many people, in my pride. And this isn't disconnected from this weird fixation of marriage. Almost as like an outgrowth of self, still. Saying "This is what I need, to be okay."

The Lord knows. I don't. So it's still just arrogance to assert that I know my needs better than He does. And to act as though He's mistreating me--throwing a temper tantrum, moreover, because He's not giving me what I want--enrages me, now. That I wold dare be so arrogant and malicious toward the One whom my soul loves.

I would hate myself for this. But His love and His mercy, His kindness toward me bid me grieve instead and ask forgiveness. I can't atone for what I've done, and wanting to make myself suffer for these matters is every bit as arrogant as the rest--Christ has paid my penalty. Let me, then, repent in dust and ashes, Lord.

So, writing all of this at such length is trying to have out with it and be done with it.

Because I keep being tempted to pick it back up again. As though it's mine to determine, mine to have.

The second point was that even if I were married, if I were in a position of idolizing marriage, I would view myself as entitled to my husband also--as though he, too, were mine and were my due. But this, too, is wrong. If the Lord were to give me in marriage, I would still remain Christ's. And my husband would remain Christ's also.

He wouldn't be my possession, to hoard and find fulfillment and all safety and joy in. No, that would still be the Lord or it would all be idolatry.

Same of a man, toward me. If he exalted me to the point of being the purpose and meaning in his life, I would fall far short of being anything worth his attentions, as those affections are for God alone. What love would be given, ought be given as unto God. Loving as Christ loved, unto one another.

And that's what I've been told of interaction in general--it's through Christ, or not of Him. We must interact with one another through our submission of our own spirits to Christ. Not apart from Him, not striving to understand or know wisdom or plot courses apart from Him. But through Him.

The approval of God is what's necessary, not the approval of man. Idolatry arising out of the desire to gain man's approval and be led of man (even as though unto God) leads to self-exaltation or self-abasement, outworking of a central focus being on self or other people rather than on the completed work of Christ and regard for self or other considered per that reality and a rightfully resultant submissiveness to God in Christ for all guidance. Ever does the pride of either self-exaltation or self-abasement yield unto further sin, is all: idolatry of man, idolatry of self, for me unto a giving way to fearfulness and anxiety, per wrongly attempting to control for matters which are intended to be submitted to and directed by God. There's constant need to trust God and submit to Christ for the strength and wisdom to do all which He would call us to do, whereas having foremost focus on idols instead places onus on self as the source of strength rather than Christ... And this is much the heart of sin. Convoluting all interactions. In a similar capacity to the full-scale rejection of marriage which I'd undergone and have been detailing, particularly concerning my sinful suppression of the reality of the state of my idolatry, I had done the same regarding others in Christ whom I revered beyond the point of loving acceptance, as unto idolatry. That is not their fault, but wholly my own. And my turning away, fear-driven, was not worthy but of the same mettle as what I had done regarding marriage--sinfully rejecting and denying what could not be controlled for, what had ought to have been yielded unto God and pursued only as per His guidance (interaction on the whole, I mean). So much of such wretchedness was founded on a contortion of what it is to truly, in a God-honoring way, give double honor to those who are in authority over us.

Central to a lot of the deviation has been a turning inward due to pain and the horrors of becoming aware of other sins against and participated in. Abject horror. And so very grieved. And seeking help, but not knowing quite how, barely able to speak of things or put words to the circumstances--only preliminarily cognizant of what, in fact, was at all passing. Just horror after horror. And in the midst of the pain, the tendency can often be to be hyper-sensitive to anything which remotely can be perceived as akin to that which was known to cause pain. And the hyper-sensitivity, if not submitted to the Lord, is unto self-pity, self-coddling, rather than extending grace and the love and charity of Christ, to forbear and be present as fellow citizens. So many things which are not at all problematic in normal circumstances may be perceived as dire attacks, though they aren't.

And besides all, of whether an attack is intended or not, the call to Christ is indeed a call to forbear one another in love. Not remembering wrongs, but loving and seeking the good of others rather than self. My tendency again and again has instead been to still be offended and hurt and to shore up walls in defense, in the midst. Rather than taking into account that I hurt others too, intentionally or unintentionally--I am no better than anyone else...and so I am not in position to judge nor to take offense. Christ, above all, was hurt by me...intentionally mocked and spurned and derided. Who am I to take offense at anything, then? But to instead, submit to Him in the midst and love and extend the same mercies He has extended to me.

Self-justification is not a fruit of the Spirit. Neither is self-preservation.

But to love. And seek good.

And this is going to be the post to end all posts for some time. Though I may not be able to type again for a while after tomorrow, so it's what it is...

I wish...my perception were not often so very inhibited by fear. That has to be surrendered to the Lord, too. That's the core of much of this--the tendency to idolize others, unto wanting approval and acceptance (and in a sense, the desire for marriage has been comprised of wanting that on a much closer front: to receive worship and to worship another, at close range...which is disgusting), and then a giving over to despair fearing rejection, and the tendency then is to see others as somehow further away than they are...as having darker motives than they do. And one of the the problems is (...again, fundamentally, failing to be focused on Christ, but...), it really doesn't matter what other people's motives are. At all, is the thing.

That's between them and God. I'm not the M.O. police. None of us are. God alone judges the hearts of man.

What I need to do is submit to the Lord, remember the cross, and bear through with a loving, gracious heart toward those around me. No matter weirdness or injustice or whatever.

Same as for us all. And keep taking my heart back to Christ, as my all in all--not the opinions of others. If other people are put off by me or uncomfortable with me, then I will trust the Lord to help refine me to have more tact so I don't cause my brothers and sisters to stumble.

But taking it to Him, rather than being caught up in worry and concern and all the things else. He has to correct and mold my heart and help me do what's right. I'm not sufficient.

Same with this idolatry of marriage. Thing is, I really like this guy that I'd been hanging out with. But...that doesn't have to mean anything more than we're just friends. He may just be a really dear brother, perhaps even at a distance going forward--I don't know. I can't and won't know anything else, except the Lord allows insight. These things are the Lord's, not mine, and I can rest in gratitude toward the Lord of the whole of these matters, and appreciation for what's been accomplished through the situation. All is just a day at a time, anyway, so I need to just let it all go unto the Lord. Because it's not mine to direct or control, and my friend is the Lord's and so am I. And we may not even really be beneficial to one another, as more than friends... There's no way to know, except to wait upon God and His guidance. And, again, that's enough--just to trust the Lord and let go.

Placing all in the Lord's hands, alone, my hands need to remain open unto God and loving service of others.

I can't try to gauge one way or the other how things may go, based on any sort of "signs." Not at all a sound course.
And trying to do so is meddling, demanding, feeling entitled.

Ever the way to know whether a thing is of the Lord is when it comes to pass. We know, when a matter has come to pass...that's what He's said. And just being guided one moment at a time, as of "this is the way, walk in it."

And I will probably continue to battle through my idolatry of man and of marriage. Unless the Lord be exceedingly merciful to me in this at this particular juncture (which He may, I don't know)...I will have to keep laying this down.

And I will, because He'll help me.

The most recently met man isn't necessarily anything more than a friend, is the thing. We earnestly spoke some things to one another in haste, and...strangely, I don't regret the way things have gone. It's all been used of the Lord to reveal and convict of my idolatry, unto repentance. I still mean the things said, yet in submission to the Lord's will, foremost. But this is same as we'd ever said, regardless of how my heart shifted back toward idolatry toward the latter end. All was begun and prayerfully considered in context of whatever the Lord would give or not, though, despite what's been revealed of my heart's machinations.

And so what, that it does hurt not to have a husband? I do want marriage. And it's not wrong to want marriage--just wrong to want it in a way which obstructs or intrudes upon my rejoicing and contentment in the Lord: As long as Christ is all-sufficient in my heart--known as Lord and He in whom I find my purpose and peace and direction--I can bear the pains, the griefs, and even the unmet yearnings of my heart...all being lesser than the light of His love and the joy of the knowledge of God in Christ, recognizing with gratitude that the Lord knows my needs, and if He has not given me something I desire, then that is truly good and necessary and right. Same, when He takes away--it is good and right and with good purpose. For, He is my Good Shepherd, my greatest friend, and He knows my needs so much better than I do. And He's been helping me heal in ways I didn't even have sense to know I was broken, per the convolution of perceptions wrought per long-standing sin. His kindness has and does lead me to repent. As Christ Himself is the fulfillment of my heart's truest needs and utmost desires, and the more clearly He leads me to recognize and rejoice in this reality, the more completely He allows me to destroy my idols and pursue His love, above all.

That is what is good and necessary to all wellness and continuation of life.

Through Pain, Briefly

So many very trying matters at the moment, I've been battling despair and despondency and the like, all day. Right now there's concern of typing, but this is too much a means of coping, to bring matters publicly before the Lord. I need some solace in these matters.

And to bring all back into right perspective.

The nerve injury last June has resumed creating difficulty. I'm having to again forego guitar playing (which means singing, also, in large part), writing, and soon most likely typing. The activities which are most used of the Lord to bolster and uplift. The last time this happened, I took a nosedive. Again--either press into Christ in the midst of pain, or the alternative is sin...step by step. And I don't want that. I want to be well before the Lord in this, rather than malcontent or bemoaning my circumstances or any other such nonsense as is not befitting of anyone who's come to know the salvation of God in Christ. We suffer, yes, but He is our strength. The joy of the Lord is our strength.

T-Rex-style typing may again make this marginally maneuverable. I hope and pray. It's not aggravating too much, at least.

There's the temptation to look into the future and see myself disqualified and abandoned and bereft and wholly cast off--an invalid, invalidated by inabilities. Or alternately, in these moments where others now again seem far from me, once more, when the lights are not on, and there are no responses, as those who were near seem far off (and some indeed are)...there's sometimes a sense of abject desolation and oppressive judgment as having been seen insufficient and unworthy, finally found out as a wretch, and turned from. But I know that even if the Lord has chosen to momentarily turn the hearts of some (which He perhaps has not, at all), that's not significant in light of the fact that He is ever present and will never forsake.

So as much as there are many fears, and even potential for rejection and further griefs and further incapacitations...I know the need to humbly submit to the Lord in all this. He is sovereign. And He knows my frame. And He will be glorified regardless of my insufficiencies.

So, I confess my confusions and my temptations to despair, but in context of confessing His love and strength and goodness. And though my heart is weary and heavy-laden, He bids me come to Him and keep coming to Him, to cast my burdens on Him. These which are decimating to me are of nothing to Him, and His burden is light, His yoke easy. Just one step at a time, in the strength of His power, by His Spirit, and according to His wisdom--not my own, on any count.

I can't do this. Period. Complete stop. Cannot. But He is able.
And I'm done. Utterly done. Far more than ever before. All the many times I think to have an inkling of what He's doing and why He gives certain graces and removes others?--I know are so far from seeing the breadth of the scope of His will in effect in me and my life and the lives of others surrounding, and unto a thread in the tapestry of all of creation from eternity to eternity...such that, especially as matters are all the more confounding even on the utmost surface level, I dare not even attempt to think them through apart from contemplating Scripture. I will walk one step at a time, toward Him. And will keep my eyes on Jesus. Not because I am strong or able to do so, but because He is with me, and He will continue to soften my heart toward Him in all this temptation to harden, and will continue to turn my eyes toward Him, once more.

Indeed, Lord, please do help my unbelief. I've got nothing, Lord, absolutely nothing to help me in all these matters. I can't bear up. I can't bear through. I haven't the strength of mind, heart, or will to even begin to plot a course from this miasma unto what best will honor You. But I do know that love covers a multitude of sins. And I know that all things are possible for the one who believes, and that with You, all things are possible. And that, even as Paul said, I can do all things through Christ, through You. So, You are all I have Lord, at base, fundamentally. Yet with so many blessings You have allotted, too.

And so that is a turning point, also. I do need to be thinking on those things which are good, right, pure, honorable, of good report, and so on. And to have my mind again fixed on heavenly things. Rather than the pain and the uncertainties in life.

Pain is so tricky, sometimes. Sometimes, the Lord readily uses it to humble and to draw nearer. But sometimes there's the temptation to despair, as though apart from Him--to fixate on the pain as a point of fear and uncertainty. It is sin. And I have been doing that, this evening. So I ask His forgiveness and guidance in this.

There's just fear of losing the use of my dominant hand. Finding it weaker today, and that fine motor skills are reduced, even if marginally still enough to be noticeable. That was the thing which was more than could be borne, today. In the midst of all else, to face this sort of incapacitation.

I don't like being incapacitated. But this does again evidence how much I think of my strength as my own, and how much my strength of will especially is viewed as a paramount strength. Rather than being continually submitted as from Him. Pride is so insidious.

Everything we have is a gift. From the hand of a loving, just, holy Father, of those in Christ Jesus.

...

I redacted some of the less conservative writing from a recent post. There's such a tendency for matters of the sort to end up being weirdly interpreted and even discussing such things...is not usually profitable. Last night, I had thought to write more regarding my upbringing and why such matters aren't something I consider irregular, but only needing the same strict discernment according to the Word of God as all else. But in the midst of the writing, I realized and remembered again that even to speak of such things can be a course unto sin for so many. Was for me, as a child. Even in context which is in some capacity purporting to honor the Lord.

If I speak of such matters, it needs to be privately, according to discretion. Not here, I think.

All in all, just seek Christ. Press into Him, period. That's the answer to all quandaries and is the utmost good for us all, in any case.

Of Being in the World...and Faith

So...

I have become more sensitive to the reality that the risks faced by our brothers and sisters in Christ in some other countries are, in some places, very much as unto death. That is reality. To follow Christ is to daily walk with the certain knowledge that He preserves life, and to share of Him is a risk all the more. But to be of Him, in some places...is to risk life, livelihood, the health and wellness of family. Physically. Always.

There are other sorts of trials in nations where Christianity is not quite as blatantly persecuted, yet. Our trials seem more toward giving over to the ways of the world and entering a sort of spiritual deadness--having a profession of Christ and knowledge of Him, but little love for Him and little real desire for His work in the world. And alongside this, to deny the reality of the spiritual truths He has revealed in His Word (seeking knowledge of such things beyond what's in His Word is occult pursuit, not of God, though...or even just a consuming desire to be versed on such things, same--worth noting). I've fallen into these pits, also, again and again. They're very real, insidious, and a dire disservice to our Master, who asks we walk in the light of eternal reality and remain sober-minded and alert as we go about making disciples.

The battle is real here, too, is the point.

I've been permitted for the past few years to plead the Gospel, incrementally and sometimes blatantly, as a professional measure--on a technicality, according to my life and the nature of my responsibilities. Though without openly acknowledging such as the case.

I was let to know near the end of my tenure at last year's primary job...it had apparently become well known and discussed within all ranks that I was pleading Christ with people. I did fail so much, in various ways...but...the Lord has dealt with me, and has been merciful despite me.

Over the course of three years' tenure in that position, though...I saw the reality of the need to plead truth with people in this country, being so dire. Delusion and pride are so rife. Distraction per (mindless) amusement is profuse. Spiritual and eternal realities are mocked and utterly discounted as relevant, apart from preference for solely relativistic, self-gratifying interpretations. And beyond all, the sovereignty of God is scoffed at and refused without compunction. He is increasingly openly reviled, as is mention of Him and His ways, in truth.

Along the course of interactions, I was continually surprised that even mentioning church was enough to incite smoldering rage, at times. And sometimes, to mention God was to truly to face wrath. There was mockery, from some. Some, perversion. Sometimes rage. Then, sometimes just discomfort.

The whole was a prayerful walk, though. Full of terror and uncertainty, along the course of learning to love people according to truth and prayerfully seeking and asking that God would guide speech and provide opportunities to share His Gospel.

There were some instances, too, where death seemed not only possible but likely. I did not dare to tell anyone, except the Lord, for fear of being distracted from abjectly trusting Him in utmost submission...and for hope of being able to prayerfully share.

I regret that I failed in so many ways. But...I turn to the Lord with that, too. Knowing all the work has to be His or the laborers labor in vain, anyway.

Just...especially seeing how utterly impossible it was for me to ultimately stand firm, also...I am that much more convinced of the desperation of the need to abjectly turn to and seek Christ, setting aside the world's trivial and seemingly innocuous distractions. And also the more convinced of the need for appropriately Christ-honoring fellowship, which spurs on to greater devotion to God and submission to Him.

We're not here to simply chill and enjoy the tacos. There are blessings which abound, yes, and He has given us to enjoy Himself and the world. He has enriched us with the capacity to love elaborately, to rejoice exceedingly, to revel in the wonders of the world, and the relish the richness of the experiences of life...yet, while fixing our eyes on eternity. Each one of us. So, if we do the things as unto the Lord, then well and good--may He be glorified in our rejoicing and gratitude.

But let's not become slack in our affections for Him? The world is full of the deceitfulness of sin, and our own flesh would yield to temptation apart from being submitted to God and yielded to His service. Consecrate ourselves to Him, even when that may be a consecration to one another, as an outworking.

The thing I have seen again and again is that the joy in His fellowship and rejoicing in Him in fellowship with others and of praising Him and of testifying of the truth of who He is and of being in His Word and meditating continually upon His Word--of ever drawing nearer to Him, by any and all means...is that the joy and fulfillment there is unlike any paltry imitation of satisfaction which sin would meagerly allot, even as with the flavor of death always inclusive. But so long as the rejoicing and remaining in His fellowship steadfastly is not ardently pursued...that joy in Christ is not as restful. Indeed, if I were not continuing to meditate upon Him and testify of the things which He has taught me along the recent course...I would be much given to despair right now...

...but the joy in Him is more fulfilling and satisfying than anything else could ever be or try to be. Because it's right, it's holy, it's pure, it's good, it's founded in truth, and it is unto life and love and liberty in Him. Whereas all the opposite is true, of self-indulgence in anything lesser.

Even those things which in and of themselves may not be bad or impure, but only not beneficial...there's room for a foothold unto temptation to sway from glorifying God.

That has to be prayerfully weighed, is the thing.

We're just...we're in a battle, my dearest brothers and sisters. Our most Beloved has gone before us, and He beckons us draw near Him and walk with Him--taking up our cross daily, denying ourselves. He allots what we need, as we seek first His kingdom and righteousness. He knows our needs. And as we delight in Him, He does give us the desires of our hearts--foremost and centrally and always Him, utmost. To know Him and understand Him is a joy beyond imagining. And the joy of the Lord is indeed our strength.

I remember the first time I fell into a particularly noxious sin again, a few years ago. I don't remember on what count I had begun to slack in my devotions to Christ, but there was an opening to sin. And I remember that there was disgust and absolute revulsion, and the realization of how utterly lacking in measure was the result, versus the unsurpassable joy of being in the Presence of Christ. Problem is, though, as less and less ardency had been the course in remaining fixed in Christ...the reality of the joy of His fellowship and the joy of His Word and the wonder of walking in the purity of His Word...all became more and more dim. And sin became more and more transfixing. The relative weight was seemingly increased. Though unto spiritual death--the searing of the conscience, the hardening of the heart through the deceitfulness of sin. Unto despondency, lifelessness. Lovelessness. And being all the more encompassed by the weight of fears, surrounding.

The only freedom there is comes in the Lord. Not in self. Not in our own efforts. He has to refine our sensibilities to the things of heaven, making those of the flesh unpalatable along the course (we must ask Him to!). And as we draw nearer to Him, our hearts alight with the fire and joy unspeakable which is to know and love Him ardently. Rejoicing in all griefs and sorrows, and in the midst of confusions and impossibilities. All manner of loss is nothing. And that which is deplorable to the world, of seeming uncertainty, is able to be fully trusted as in the hands of a loving, ever-attentive Heavenly Father.

Knowing Him. Which is to trust Him, having ever learned to trust Him. Which is to have faith. Faith is kind of trust in action. I've heard that the word used for faith in the New Testament is basically a verb. It's active.

And I've heard faith explained in terms of having faith in objects. Because the very idea of what faith in God actually is...can seem a bit elusive and hard to grasp. The substance of things unseen, the evidence of things hoped for...sounds amazing, but what does that even mean?: Thankfully, there's context!--we're told that faith pleases God, and further, faith explicitly and basically entails (but is not necessarily limited to) coming to Him:
1) believing He is, 
and
2) believing that He rewards those who diligently seek Him.

That's a fair representation and summation of the above seemingly ethereal statement. Acting upon beliefs about who He is and what He's like, is another way to put it.

So, again: God exists. Period. Believe it. Be convinced of that fact, increasingly, and become increasingly aware of the significant evidences all around--His glory is revealed in all creation. And in Christ! Oh!--the wonder and the joy! So, He exists. And we can know of Him!!! And He rewards those who seek Him???--Is that not unimaginably wonderful?, that He would reward us just because we want to get to know Him? I mean, who does that? So, in other words--He is unimaginably good and kind. And He wants us to approach Him. And He is responsive, when we do: He is personally concerned with our activities, then, and especially our relation to Him. So--many, many things can even briefly be brought out just per those very seemingly simple statements--but then, if you ponder those statements in the broader context of all of His Word?: Oh, the depths of the riches and the wonder of the glory and the wisdom of God, and revealed in Jesus Christ, our Lord! And knowing these things, we approach Him, we act in accord with this knowledge. We seek Him. And that constitutes a whole realm of life-altering and wonderful reality to delve headlong into ardent pursuit of for all eternity.

Back to the consideration of what faith is, again, compared to faith in something simple. What is it to have faith in a chair--if you are willing to unthinkingly set down in a chair without qualm, there is evidence of an unspoken faith in that chair's ability to support your weight, as proven by unflinchingly and unhesitatingly sitting down and remaining seated at full repose. You trust the chair to do what a chair does: There's no concern, no anxiety, no flighty tension while attempting to circumvent an expected fall. In that instance, what is that faith all about?: Your faith is comprised of knowing what a chair is, thus understanding the nature and purpose of chairs at a fundamental level--they are made to be set upon, to support weight. And your faith is also comprised of the understanding that chairs should be able to fully and easily hold your weight when set upon (or stood upon, or jumped on, or however else), without breaking. Your knowledge of what a chair is, what its purpose is, and what its nature is...allows you to trust that you can put your weight upon that chair, without fear of it failing to do what ought to be expected, according to its nature. You can look at a chair and according to your innate understanding of these fundamental principles, almost unthinkingly assess whether you will put your faith in any given chair's ability to hold your weight.

Same basic idea, with people. We act on our trust in others in accord with what we know and understand of them and their nature, particularly regarding their integrity. We put faith in people we have judged to be trustworthy, in accord with the depth of our knowledge of them as a person and our understanding of their principles. We may have faith in what they say and in what they say they will or won't do, depending upon whether we know them well enough to trust them.

Similar is our situation, with God. If we do know Him, we believe Jesus--if we have come to God in humble acceptance that what He says is true is true, we accept that His Word is an accurate representation of reality (of Him, of ourselves, and of all things)...and our only reasonable response is to take Him at His Word, and trust Him to do what He has said He will do, including believing what He's said about our need for redemption and Christ's sufficiency in having redeemed us.

To put our faith in God further entails acting in accord with what He says is good and setting aside what He says isn't good, which is as an outworking of seeking and coming to understand Him. He's told us that if we seek Him, we will find Him, and part of that does include that we will learn about Him and what He has ordained as right. And above all, He has indicated obedience to Him is good and right, and that obedience fundamentally will arise as a consequence of loving Him: If we love Him, we will obey Him. That's fundamental to all things, according to His Word. And He presents many hallmarks of what that actually means--truth (His truth, as presented in His Word) is at the very heart and core of our love, or otherwise it's not actually loving Him but loving a misconstrued or misinterpreted mock-up of what we would rather conceive Him as being. But no...our love has to be for God, and so in order to love Him, we have to know Him, which necessitates getting to know Him: To be disabused of our false notions and disillusioned from our delusional perceptions of reality. So, there's effort involved--we've gotta seek Him out, to know Him, to love Him, to obey Him. But, again, unless we actually--first and foremost--believe He's there (and seriously: we exist and this universe exists--all, standing evidence of His existence: we're created beings)...how are we going to even begin to seek Him, to know Him, to understand Him unto lovingly obeying Him?

So, yeah. Stuff. In the midst of all which, we're told to set aside basically anything which would hinder our pursuit of God.

Does it make sense, then, that being satiated by distractions in and of the world would mute awareness of significant matters of reality, as may constitute a problem?: To be replete in the world is not a pursuit of God, not having one's eyes fixed on Jesus and meditating on His Word, not denying self daily, but constitutes a turning toward alternate pursuits, which then entails desensitization to the reality and the significance of the reality of God's preeminence. That's fundamentally and insidiously concerning. Sin is deceitful. Our hearts are deceitful. The lusts of our flesh, and eyes, and the pride of life tempt us. And we have been told we must walk by the Spirit in order not to fulfill the deeds of the flesh. So, if we aren't on that track with Him, we can know too that will not be denying the flesh. Then, how can we say we are seeking and loving and truly trusting and ardently desiring to obey One whom we would become increasingly less concerned with even the existence of (let alone being concerned with His pre-eminence and sovereignty)--if our daily course of life consists primarily of doing things and thinking things which aren't unto Him? It's so easy to confuse wants and needs. But even the things which the world deems as needful: pursuit of shelter, clothing, food...Jesus said are provided for us, still, as we seek first His kingdom. He said we can't serve God and the things of the world, though: Not even those which seem most needful, we need to seek God and trust Him with it all.

He provides work to put our hand to, strength to undertake, shelter as we need, food and clothing as are necessary to life and health, and all else which is needed so that we would honor Him in the midst of the world--even if that food and shelter is daily provided. And if He didn't, the thing is, He would be no less good and no less God than He is. But He does care for His children...even as that care sometimes comes through trial and affliction, but by His grace we are sustained unto eternity in Christ. Even if we glorify Him through a death which is result of our love of Christ. Just to say...He is worthy of anything we might endure--knowing Him, seeking Him ardently...is worthwhile in the midst of all this, whatever might come from the hand of our Father. The more we know and understand Him, the more convinced of this we will become.

Live unto God or unto the world, is the divide Jesus distinguished. He indicated explicitly that these pursuits are inherently in opposition to one another. John further clarified that we can't love the things of the world and love God. It's just basic. So, though we are in the world--in other words--we are not to be of the world, nor to seek its glories. So. These things are pretty weighty, actually.

And as a point of faith, we're to set aside every burden, and every sin which so easily entangles us? Does that sound familiar? Was the author joking? Was he just saying it to give us something to think about?

No, dear friends.

Pursue God. Live unto Him. This is our life, if we are to have life. For, if we have life in Christ, we have eternal life now. And we are to live as such--not for the moment, but for eternity. Now. Here and now.

So, as our brothers and sisters in other countries have to depend upon God for daily food and shelter and that their lives would be preserved...we must turn to Him also in abject and dire need of His deliverance from the sins which would so easily ensnare and beset us, that we will be fully armed to walk in ways which honor Him and one another, that we will fight the good fight of faith, as we press on toward the high calling in Christ Jesus, our Lord.

The harvest is plentiful, but the laborers are few. Pray He sends more, and prepare yourself--by His grace--to also go, make disciples of all nations. We must be led of and by Him.

Be delivered.

I pray He will do so for you. Pray He will keep me, also. I fear to fall again, and grieve even the thought. But this solitary walk which I have in so many ways is in itself such a sore trial, and yet all I know to do is to continue to cast myself upon His mercies and trust He will allot to me what is needed that I would draw nearer to Him. My heart is broken in so many ways at the utmost desire just to be able to stay near Him, but truly unto Him and not ensnared by man's attempt at usurping His guidance. I need to be prodded on always to the Lord, too. And there are those who are dear saints and brethren who are near in ways, and I have been continually turning to seek them--even as the Lord sends them so often to reach out to me, too, in those moments where I am too weak and broken to even stir the knowledge toward an action of my need for aid...as yesterday, and today in ways.

But even so, without being enslaved to sin or to legalist attempts to dictate actions...without intimidations or encroaching upon my walk with Christ...I long for a close fellowship that would ever truly turn my eyes to Christ.

That is why I want marriage. Though I am terrified, still. And though I haven't the means nor the ability to even remotely approach unto that sort of union. And realistically, I have so desperately few friends who are even ardently desiring of the Lord as to be safe not to prove a distraction from Him--who are ardently given to seeking Him, also. One married couple with children, who have been and are so much my family in the Lord. A few sisters in other places, and now, seemingly one brother. And my landlords, a married couple...though we aren't nearly as close as I am with the rest of these, they do look out for me and include me, and encourage me in the Lord...but I've only known them, and mostly in passing, for the past few years...so I don't really know them.

Why is it so difficult to get to know people. Why are there so many walls. I have, like, so many questions about so many things. And there's not indignation at the heart, but grief. Asking for my Father to help me understand these things.

And am I still not ready? I know I wasn't ready six months ago. And I certainly wasn't ready a year ago.

Anyways. This has gotten a bit ramblesome. Other places to go write, for this latter.

Glorious Grief

I am grateful for the grief the Lord has given me. Just thinking again on that phrase of Spurgeon's used so many times along these few years..."I've learned to kiss the waves that throw me up against the Rock of Ages." Truly so, even in agony, anguish. He is so kind. And this...so merciful.

To love Christ more wholeheartedly, to share in His sufferings in any capacity--even if not strictly according to the griefs of persecution for faith, but of rejection according to man's ways or as result of my own sin, being chastised...nonetheless, to find myself made far less... This is a blessing untold. Lord, if You will keep me, even in love and grace...let me live in surrender and abject dependence upon You. I cannot bear, but You carry.

I cannot.

That is the cry of my heart again and again, in this--I cannot do this. I cannot bear this. Lord, I cannot. Please help me. And His nearness in this is so sweet to me, and the strength He continues giving me to walk along and to love more freely in the midst of a grief which shatters pride all the more and desires all the more for the good of others--this, I would have. Even if I can't be with those whom I love, then I will trust that He is indeed the good God who gives and who takes away. And blessed be His Name. Forever.

I need this grief to carry me through the difficulties of the next couple weeks--not as abject necessity, but only to say I need the humility which this has wrought, abasing.

And nonetheless, in some strange way it seems maybe I have gained a friend. Time will tell whether that is so, or whether even that is something fleeting in this world. Either way, my hands are open. I don't require anything of him. The Lord has blessed me through this amazing man, even in grief. So, I will cherish this blessing of having known him, regardless of whether the Lord would cease or prosper the fellowship. It could be either. I have no idea. And in a sense...oddly, as much as all this hurts...I somehow don't care.

I don't understand it. Because I do care for this man, deeply. But I don't care what happens. If we never speak again, so what? He's a brother in Christ, and we'll worship in eternity together--which will be without all the travesties of sin and selfishness. And that's wonderful. But even then, it will be unto God and not of one another at all. As it ought.

This is just so weird, for me. Because there's still this longing in my heart to be with him, to enjoy his company, to know of his experiences, to be further amazed at the insights which the Lord has given him, and to rejoice with him, in the Lord. To walk with him, at his side, truly. My heart does long for that. But more deeply still, rooted in this love of the Lord which constrains me and is the driving force for my life and desires...I want most for him what I want for myself: That he will know the love of God in Christ Jesus, the length, and width, and height, and depth of it, and the unsearchable riches of the wisdom of God in Him, toward us who are saved according to His good pleasure and mercy, rejoicing over us at the delight of having His prize. I long for him that he will enter and strive to remain in the rest of God which is in Christ Jesus, and continue to be liberated from sin through nearness to God in Christ, and that he will find his joy and purpose and peace in Christ, that all the world would be as rubbish to him, compared to the riches and glory of knowing Christ Jesus, our Lord.

I have seen his heart, and have known his mind--by God's grace and allowance, not per prior wiles. And he is a dear brother to me. And I commit him to Christ, as He wills. And will continue to pray for him and for his family. Because that's what I do for all those whom I love. Regardless where I'm at along the spectrum of surrender and submission to the will of God, in matters.

The odd thing is, I don't know still that there's not hope. But it somehow doesn't matter. Because I'm not clinging to that, perhaps. I'm not setting my heart and life on him. The thought of doing so is repulsive, though I know I had with others. It's loathsome, though.

I just grieve this breach. I grieve this loss of nearness. I grieve the present, recent dreams so rapidly built and discarded. I grieve, bereaved of fellowship. One who is dear is now far off.

And yet it has to be that way.

Quite frankly, this distance is every bit as much from my end as his. I couldn't bear matters as they were any longer, either. Just too much, so quickly. And I am not remotely ready to commit. Not remotely. Though the idea of it was sorely tempting.

He has no idea though, I think, of how utterly terrified I was all along the while. How barely restrained from running. I did start pushing back though a couple weeks ago. Being as open as I was--that was a pre-emptive sort of defense. Those sorts of matters are known to rile and unsettle. And to call attention to it, too?

I couldn't bear it.

But he did start the matter, by making comments about me pushing him away. So he wanted me to, regardless. Neither of us could bear.

So, I'm free still. To seek the Lord. To care for this man from a distance. And to just wait upon the Lord, regarding whether there will ever be marriage for me. Because, quite frankly, I do want that...but I am absolutely and bone-quakingly terrified of that reality. Being able to so easily unsettle men does help on that account, though, to prevent development to that extent.

It's grievous. Painful, to go through loss again and again. But no one can handle me. And so it's for the best that I not marry someone who can't. Whoever would will need the very hand of God upon their life, to do so. I'll accept nothing less, as Christ is my portion and my strength.

Those who would find their strength and their security in self, rather than the Lord--seeking deliverance in their own actions and according to their own understanding, rather than turning all the more fully to the Lord? A life with me would destroy them. Too many trials come. Too many tests of faith. I would have faith. I would know God and love and trust Him all the more. And I want marriage, I want a family. In Christ, though. Not apart from Him. That has to be the thing. Like as of my friends in China, so recently bereft of all life's necessities--yet provided for daily, by the Lord...them and their (nearly) one year old daughter.

If one comes who does truly want all their heart given to Christ, who truly does want to serve with all they are and cast their all upon Him--for all guidance and direction and utmost resilience in faith...then that one perhaps the Lord will give me to. And I hope that day does come.

I am still unconvinced of this recent friend. He does seem to truly desire these things. And we've asked God in faith, together, that he would unite us and give us faith, strengthen our faith, and to be each wholly given to him. I've heard some resonance of sincerity in his desire for that. But I don't know the depths to which he's counted that cost. I've tried to be forthright, again and again, even if from oblique angles, at the reality of what that means.

Because it's not unknown, either, is the thing. But the extent to which it's internalized...I don't know.

Regardless, I need more friends of that caliber. Who would abjectly seek Christ, no matter the consequence and without being swayed by the terms of men. Those who hear truth and know it and love it and follow the voice of our Shepherd.

Those who contend for the truth.

Many thoughts.

As a friend of mine has told me, even as I've been utterly amazed with the possibility here, with him...the Lord's will will be done, and if it's not for me to be with him but another--then, though I can't see it now, whoever that will be will be beyond imagining, also. All the more. I can't fathom that, especially with as incomprehensibly wonderful as this brother in Christ is...and that he would want my love for Christ to be foremost and central and growing always (above all else--which, if he didn't want that foremost, to the extent of being willing to crucify his own desires...he would be wholly disqualified from consideration as a marital partner...likewise, of myself)..

...but any way it goes. Just, whatever. I'm going to pray for him. And for his family. And like I'd told others before, he nor anyone else can do anything to stop me. There are folks I haven't seen or spoken with in years....whom I may never see again, yet who have factored into my life at various points, to various extents...and I still pray for them. So, all the more for others now to pray for, and beloved in the Lord. From my youth, and up. I have and I will pray. The Lord is faithful.

And as for this grief--the Lord has been so near. And He's allowed physical pain, too, in measure...which tempers the emotional and mental anguish, surprisingly well. But He's been so gracious too, as not to allow any of it to utterly overwhelm. I was thinking, during the migraine the other day--casting myself wholly upon the Lord, having to drive home despite the pain which made it difficult to sit up, to have my eyes open, to focus...and yet being strengthened by His Spirit and His peace present with me, as has been the case so many times in the midst of my abject devastations of heart and body...

...what would it be to have to depend upon Him daily in the midst of such pain? I truly hoped He wouldn't give that, as it is so sweet to have rest and comfort and to feel well, too...but what would that be?

There've been times--spans of years actually--where chronic pain was a fact of life. And it was a matter of becoming acclimated in ways, learning to move in ways which didn't aggravate, as to mitigate to whatever degree possible. And yet all the while, oft increasing the damage by not actively seeking healing. Letting injury accumulate, instead. Through practices long accustomed, through stubborn unwillingness to alter eating and thinking and interpersonal habits, through stubborn unwillingness to learn of what caused or how to correct the emotional/mental/spiritual and physiological processes gone awry. So much easier to just consume anything, always...to just continue pretending everything is well...even to just cower always before terrors rather than resolutely submitting instead to Christ and yielding to His strength to address matters as necessary. Confronting those matters most dire is needful, even without understanding, but asking God for guidance and wisdom and in humility waiting upon Him while doing whatever is next necessary, as become known.

There is a point of capitulation available, in other words--whereas fears and pains were cast upon Christ, being held still within thrall of His love and sovereignty and solidarity...leaning all upon Him, as is unto receiving His strength and help...then, unto healing. And the pain becomes something else, then. Something clarifying. Something redemptive. Something of a sweet solidarity with the Lord. He bears up, in the midst of the suffering. Even as He brings about and leads unto healing, which for me was neither expected nor known possible.

Holiness and faith are forged in the fires of trial, I just heard.

...Pains, there: Fire is painful, searing. Even as grief is a suffering.

Yet there's such a joy in surrender in the midst. And the joy of His presence is purifying, clarifying, above all other goods, desirable and fulfilling.

...

[redacting content due to various concerns, for private reference only]

I will be praying and fasting, still: Seeking the Lord, yearning after His will, and continuing to strive unto Him, which is to strive after the strength to deny myself in the midst of all this. The love of Christ and of those for whom He died compels me.

He has humbled me in so many ways this past year. I have fallen, in so many ways. But, mercifully, He has purified me through being so abased as seeing more abjectly my utter wretchedness and unworthiness, all the more clearly. I have submitted myself wholly to Him for judgment, receiving mercy in Christ.

I do so want someone to walk with in these matters, though. Someone present to encourage and be encouraged by. That...is what was so especially sweet to me, of recent fellowship. My nearness to Christ and my yearning for Him and love of Him and conviction of sin and repentance worked per the glorious grace of His kindnesses lavished on me...has all been so manifest and encouraged through this recent friendship. And I know that has been mutual, even as evidenced by the turning toward seeking Him again, the more wholeheartedly and convinced of need.

I so want that. And the Lord knows it. But He knows my needs better than I. And I trust He will provide. I just long for that sort of fellowship, of a nearness. What must it have been, to be Peter's wife? With him or other apostle/s cited by Paul, who traveled with their wives...I've never heard other mention of these women, except where Jesus healed Peter's mother-in-law, and then Paul's argument with the church of how others have their wives who travel with them...

What happened to them, though? We know the fates of many of the apostles. But what, of those who lived and loved alongside them, sisters in Christ, wives of men seeking and serving God, walking in step with them as they proclaimed the Gospel to the world.

And I think on that, and of the desire for nearness. And of that which is most needful, in providing for one's own household. These men and their wives perhaps worked together, unto the Lord...or at the very least, they were not separated.

I will be fasting and praying.

1 Corinthians 9:5 

Do we not have a right to take along a believing wife, even as the rest of the apostles and the brothers of the Lord and Cephas?

Pulpit Commentary

Verse 5. - To lead about a sister, a wife. There can be no doubt that this represents the true reading, and that the meaning is, "We have power to lead about, that is, to travel in company with, some Christian sister to whom we are married, and who is supported at the expense of the Church." This plain meaning, however, involving the assertion that the apostles and desposyni ("the Lord's brethren") were married men, was so distasteful to the morbid asceticism which held celibacy in a sort of Manichaean reverence, that the scribes of the fourth, fifth, and later centuries freely tampered with the text, in the happily fruitless attempt to get rid of this meaning. They endeavoured, by putting the word in the plural or by omitting "wife," to suggest that the women whom the apostles travelled with were "deaconesses." Augustine, Tertullian, Ambrose, and others explain the verse of "ministering women" (Luke 8:2, 3). The false interpretation avenged itself on the bias which led to it. Valla adopts the wilful invention that the apostles, though married, travelled with their wives only as sisters. Such subterfuges have eaten away the heart of honest exegesis from many passages of Scripture, and originated the taunt that it is a "nose of wax," which readers can twist as they like. It was the cause of such shameful abuses and misrepresentations that at last the practice of travelling about with unmarried women, who went under the name of "sisters," "beloved," "companions," was distinctly forbidden by the third canon of the first Council of Nice. Simon Magus might unblushingly carry about with him a Tyrian woman named Helena; but apostles and true Christians would never have been guilty of any conduct which could give a handle to base suspicions. They travelled only with their wives. A sister. A Christian woman (1 Corinthians 7:15; Romans 16:1; James 2:15, etc.). A wife; i.e. as a wife. Other apostles. This is a positive mistranslation for "the rest of the apostles." It might be too much to infer positively from this that every one of the apostles and desposyni were married; but there is independent evidence and tradition to show that at any rate most of them were. The brethren of the Lord. They are clearly and undeniably distinguished from the apostles. According to the Helvidian theory (to which the plain language of the Gospels seems to point), they were sons of Joseph and Mary. This is the view of St. Clement of Alexandria in ancient times, and writers so different from each other as De Wette, Neander, Osiander, Meyer, Ewald, and Alford, in modern. The theory of Jerome, that they were cousins of Jesus, being sons of Alphseus and Mary, a sister of the Virgin, is on every ground absolutely untenable, and it was half dropped even by St. Jerome himself, when it had served his controversial purpose. The theory of Epiphanius, that they were sons of Joseph by a previous marriage, is possible, but incapable of proof. It comes from a tainted source - the apocryphal Gospels (see my 'Early Days of Christianity,' 2). Cephas. St. Paul also uses the Aramaic name in Galatians 2:9. Peter's wife is mentioned in Matthew 8:14 and in the tradition of her martyrdom (Clem. Alex., 'Strom.,' 7. § 63).