Whatever's Next

I am super struggling, right now. Have to keep taking things back to the Lord. As even my protests and requests for prayer at this point are rife with pain edging toward bitterness, which grieves me all the more.

The Lord knows my needs. Intimately. Better than I ever will. And He tends to them. Better than I ever could.

I'm scared. And I hurt, in so many ways. And I don't understand. And I am desperate not to dishonor the Lord again, and that scares me absolutely more than anything and hurts more than any of the rest. And that's the hardest part of recent changes, having been given and then deprived of a source of continual edification and exhortation unto Christ, and care besides.

But the return from that, at least, seems to be repentance on a deeper level than I'd had any inkling was coming, in directions which I have yet to truly begin to realize the extents. Many others taking the place of the one, even. Which, is better.

I know this.

There's a temptation to bemoan the recognition, now, that were I not so dreadfully solitary, recent developments with the fellow who was pursuing me may not have terminated as they did. Were I more socially connected, there wouldn't have been availability of all hours of the day and night. Were I more accountable to more people in life, surely someone would have indicated how unwise it was to proceed so heedless of restraint (well, the Lord did indicate as much, but I opted to continue anyway...because I fail).

So, he's away now. I'm not even sure if we can actually be friends. I would like that, but I just feel like it's an imposition at this point, since I'm no longer viewed as a potential candidate for pursuit and he's moved on to seek out and pursue others. I hope just being disqualified as a romantic partner doesn't disqualify from a desire for friendship, but it might. My presence might be repugnant at this point. Which...makes me sad to consider as a realistic possibility, especially in context of how much the opposite was true just a couple weeks ago.

I don't want to be a nuisance or a burden, if that's the case, being present. But at this juncture, I need more people in my life, and there are no other spaces or avenues I know of to pursue. I wouldn't have even considered this one, had he not been so adamant..which is what's so absolutely ironic about the whole.

I was convicted of my sin of hardheartedness and else, against prior place of worship and brothers and sisters there, through interaction with this one. And entreated again and again to come, as part of being pursuit unto marriage. And I dug my heels in, against the idea of it. Until past the point of reason, and now...it's too late, with him. But in the wake, I've been humbled to the reality of my sin. And in the wake, I've realized something of the depth of the wrong I've done against folks who were once...and realistically still are...dear to me. And I have embarked upon a course of reconciliation. And have thus far been embraced, forgiven, welcomed.

And I need this, like I need air. I don't want to be so alone.

I don't know what else to do. The alternative I'd been presented with in February was to join small groups at other churches. Which...I looked into, and have been praying about. I started attending an evening service at another church, was invited to a singles group. And I'm going to keep attending the church and will go to group events when possible. Last one I was invited to...was a movie. And I would have even gone, if I hadn't been so ill with a respiratory infection.

This other place, my former church...there are more folks at my stage in life even than at the place I just had begun attending. More ministry opportunities, more continually. And social groupings, too. More than where I currently attend, though the place is larger. I just...I'm not a take-charge sort of person. If I lead, it's through serving. And through prayer--I had been so desirous of so many of the sorts of ministry opportunities which are now a part of normal operations at this place I've been asked to return, by the new friend.

I wish things hadn't gone as they did. I wish I'd had better boundaries. I wish I'd been more restrained in the amount of time allotted. But it was such a joy being in fellowship unto Christ, so much. And such a joy having someone to talk with, so much, to communicate with--rather than it primarily being me and the Lord, alone.

I do enjoy being with the Lord, alone. In my little (luxurious) cave on the mountain. But someone once told me that you have to come down from the mountain to serve. And I hope to meet with her again, sometime soon. I keep gravitating to caves on mountains, though the actual isolation is a snare to me.

Which is sin. I just...Lord, You know. There've been seasons of joyful isolation unto You. Seasons where I would have no other companion, at all. And delighted in Your fellowship solely and wanted only to ever and always be alone with You. Reveling in the truth and love of Christ--who He is, what He's done, and learning of Him. But I do feel an impulse to connect, now. Lord, You've healed so much in me which was utterly shattered. You've knit me back together in love, a vessel fit for wrath recast as one to bear forth Your glory to the world, incomprehensible that the Gospel would be unto me and through me to be passed. You've crushed me, to rework me.

I am so sorry for all this, Lord. All this brokenness. And my wretchedness. I am such a mess. And I'm not fit for marriage, either. I know this. I still need to heal a bit more. I need not to rush in, headlong, to interaction. I am afraid to get to know people, but I will trust You with my heart and to guard it. And help me not be a nuisance or a burden to my friend, Father. I've wreaked so much havoc.

I will wait, and will press on unto Christ. And I will grieve so many things, not least of which are the dreams which my own sin-stained hands have shattered so recklessly and heedlessly, on impulse. And all of it is in Your hands, Father. I have not done as much damage as I could do, but I've done so much. And I don't know how to stop. I feel as though even trying to be amenable and agreeable as part of establishing a new norm of some sort, wanting to continue interaction on a different level...has still been damaging. But I don't know. I have no way to know, apart from being told. And that door...I don't think it's open. I've tried today to ask, but too late. If I'd messaged yesterday, that wouldn't have been any better.

The airing of my dilemma regarding marriage, though...? It's what it is. One of my mentors questions the wisdom of having written in such a way as to make myself sound utterly impossible. But the thing is, I feel as though interaction has proven so much of its own. But maybe even writing as such...says another thing, if even it's been perused. Who knows. I certainly don't.

But I keep vacillating--between committing the course of marriage entirely to the Lord, and still holding it up as a desire. Maybe really the middle ground is the way through, always. I do desire marriage, and I believe it may be in His will for me...but maybe I should just continue to present my heart to the Lord, openly entirely. He knows my desire. And I've asked Him again and again, to prepare me.

The things I know I need to do, I am undertaking. And those matters which He has yet to work though, some I am aware of as upcoming. But I don't know.