So many very trying matters at the moment, I've been battling despair and despondency and the like, all day. Right now there's concern of typing, but this is too much a means of coping, to bring matters publicly before the Lord. I need some solace in these matters.
And to bring all back into right perspective.
The nerve injury last June has resumed creating difficulty. I'm having to again forego guitar playing (which means singing, also, in large part), writing, and soon most likely typing. The activities which are most used of the Lord to bolster and uplift. The last time this happened, I took a nosedive. Again--either press into Christ in the midst of pain, or the alternative is sin...step by step. And I don't want that. I want to be well before the Lord in this, rather than malcontent or bemoaning my circumstances or any other such nonsense as is not befitting of anyone who's come to know the salvation of God in Christ. We suffer, yes, but He is our strength. The joy of the Lord is our strength.
T-Rex-style typing may again make this marginally maneuverable. I hope and pray. It's not aggravating too much, at least.
There's the temptation to look into the future and see myself disqualified and abandoned and bereft and wholly cast off--an invalid, invalidated by inabilities. Or alternately, in these moments where others now again seem far from me, once more, when the lights are not on, and there are no responses, as those who were near seem far off (and some indeed are)...there's sometimes a sense of abject desolation and oppressive judgment as having been seen insufficient and unworthy, finally found out as a wretch, and turned from. But I know that even if the Lord has chosen to momentarily turn the hearts of some (which He perhaps has not, at all), that's not significant in light of the fact that He is ever present and will never forsake.
So as much as there are many fears, and even potential for rejection and further griefs and further incapacitations...I know the need to humbly submit to the Lord in all this. He is sovereign. And He knows my frame. And He will be glorified regardless of my insufficiencies.
So, I confess my confusions and my temptations to despair, but in context of confessing His love and strength and goodness. And though my heart is weary and heavy-laden, He bids me come to Him and keep coming to Him, to cast my burdens on Him. These which are decimating to me are of nothing to Him, and His burden is light, His yoke easy. Just one step at a time, in the strength of His power, by His Spirit, and according to His wisdom--not my own, on any count.
I can't do this. Period. Complete stop. Cannot. But He is able.
And I'm done. Utterly done. Far more than ever before. All the many times I think to have an inkling of what He's doing and why He gives certain graces and removes others?--I know are so far from seeing the breadth of the scope of His will in effect in me and my life and the lives of others surrounding, and unto a thread in the tapestry of all of creation from eternity to eternity...such that, especially as matters are all the more confounding even on the utmost surface level, I dare not even attempt to think them through apart from contemplating Scripture. I will walk one step at a time, toward Him. And will keep my eyes on Jesus. Not because I am strong or able to do so, but because He is with me, and He will continue to soften my heart toward Him in all this temptation to harden, and will continue to turn my eyes toward Him, once more.
Indeed, Lord, please do help my unbelief. I've got nothing, Lord, absolutely nothing to help me in all these matters. I can't bear up. I can't bear through. I haven't the strength of mind, heart, or will to even begin to plot a course from this miasma unto what best will honor You. But I do know that love covers a multitude of sins. And I know that all things are possible for the one who believes, and that with You, all things are possible. And that, even as Paul said, I can do all things through Christ, through You. So, You are all I have Lord, at base, fundamentally. Yet with so many blessings You have allotted, too.
And so that is a turning point, also. I do need to be thinking on those things which are good, right, pure, honorable, of good report, and so on. And to have my mind again fixed on heavenly things. Rather than the pain and the uncertainties in life.
Pain is so tricky, sometimes. Sometimes, the Lord readily uses it to humble and to draw nearer. But sometimes there's the temptation to despair, as though apart from Him--to fixate on the pain as a point of fear and uncertainty. It is sin. And I have been doing that, this evening. So I ask His forgiveness and guidance in this.
There's just fear of losing the use of my dominant hand. Finding it weaker today, and that fine motor skills are reduced, even if marginally still enough to be noticeable. That was the thing which was more than could be borne, today. In the midst of all else, to face this sort of incapacitation.
I don't like being incapacitated. But this does again evidence how much I think of my strength as my own, and how much my strength of will especially is viewed as a paramount strength. Rather than being continually submitted as from Him. Pride is so insidious.
Everything we have is a gift. From the hand of a loving, just, holy Father, of those in Christ Jesus.
...
I redacted some of the less conservative writing from a recent post. There's such a tendency for matters of the sort to end up being weirdly interpreted and even discussing such things...is not usually profitable. Last night, I had thought to write more regarding my upbringing and why such matters aren't something I consider irregular, but only needing the same strict discernment according to the Word of God as all else. But in the midst of the writing, I realized and remembered again that even to speak of such things can be a course unto sin for so many. Was for me, as a child. Even in context which is in some capacity purporting to honor the Lord.
If I speak of such matters, it needs to be privately, according to discretion. Not here, I think.
All in all, just seek Christ. Press into Him, period. That's the answer to all quandaries and is the utmost good for us all, in any case.
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