1 Timothy 2: Thoughts

Discussion tonight, of 1 Timothy 2. And I sincerely doubt there will be much time given to writing this evening, for so many reasons...but the nature of thoughts regarding particular facets of the matter latterly discussed in that chapter..

...have been much on my heart.

Why does it rankle so much, to submit to authority? Because, quite frankly, that's not a matter restricted to women. I've been recently grieved in interactions with a coworker, for his statements of utter defiance against all authority--grieved at what this indicates of the depth of his deception and distance from God, as gladly defiant against Him. So very lost. And glib.

Same as I had been, at various points.

But the notion of women submitting to the God-given authority of men, taken specifically in context of marriage and within the church as being an archetype of the church's submission to Christ--of all our needful submission to God's own authority?

This isn't a small matter. Not to be taken lightly.

And coming from where I've come, by God's grace at work in my life and heart, I've run the gamut of resentments against and rationalizations counter to submission as a woman--particularly as restricts against teaching and being in leadership over men. As such, I'm familiar with many (though surely not all) common "reasons" for the pushback.

For one, I had a personal stake in believing otherwise--to do so undermines the desire to exalt my mother's memory, as beyond at least particular sorts of reproach. She was an ordained lay-minister in the Methodist Church and was given pastorate of three churches. Up until the time of her suicide, in 2007, she pastored these churches. Perhaps 10 years. Begun after my father left her. Or left us, I suppose. Just me and my mom. My sisters were in cahoots with him. My youngest sibling was dragged along with them--we'd just returned home from my high school graduation ceremony. My brother was completely side-lined and so were my mom and I. But my sisters immediately began tossing my brother's clothing in a bag, while my dad outlined to my mom and me the terms of his separation having been completed and the divorce paperwork being processed for delivery at her workplace tomorrow.

After this, or maybe it was in the midst just prior, she pursued ordination.

To consider that we, as women, as called not to preside over men, called not to teach them...pains my recollection of her. I don't want to think of her as being in blatant defiance of the very Word she set out to teach and preach.

And built upon that, upon initially coming to know Christ I also fancied myself destined for being in the spotlight. And I've been tempted many times to exalt myself, quite frankly--again and again, in particular churches, there's always come a point of realizing that if I proceed along a course that is agreeable to those around me...they had begun and would continue esteeming me ever more highly in their ranks. And in particular of these such places, there seemed acceptance of women as preachers and pastors and leaders. Or at least as prophets and apostles.

For a very brief period of time, I wanted to be the next Kathryn Kuhlman, thinking that course and public esteem in the eyes of the world was what God's very will would be for those who love Him and seek Him with utmost diligence. As though, if I served and sought most ardently, then I naturally would end up in a public position of esteem, like many of the preachers I then revered most highly espoused and taught...providing themselves as examples.

But the problem with all that was and is that I did continue to seek Him. And continued to pore over His Word, as Living Water to a thirsty soul. And continued to spend time alone with Him, at length, desiring to know and understand Him. All, by grace. And the more I came to know Him, the more I came to receive light from His Word, the more I realized that all these things are diametrically in opposition to what He actually has said will be the case for those who are His disciples--for those who love Him, who know Him, and who seek to learn from Him, by grace of His Holy Spirit led along the while.

In this world we'll have troubles, He said. Period. But we're to take heart because He's overcome. Period. Not because we'll gain dominion over all the realms of the earth and attain all wealth so as to prepare the way for His return to reigh, no.

But we'll have trouble. But we can rest assured, if we know Him, because He's overcome.

And at that point, there's need to look at what that entailed.

He set aside His glory for a time, to walk amongst us as a servant. God Incarnate--He who deserves all obeisance and praise--walked as one with no place to lay His head, demanding nothing for Himself. But deferring always to the Father. Doing only what was given unto Him by the Father. Walking in complete submission, perfect obedience. Perfected...most exquisitely exemplified...in His suffering the shameful death of the cross. God's wrath poured out on Him--the only one of any of us who could never deserve wrath or punishment, took it all on Himself anyway. Willingly. So that justice could be satisfied where a debt is owed, but being willingly paid by one who did not Himself owe it in order to extend mercy to those who do not deserve it.

He submitted to all that.

Jesus Christ, our God and brother. Redeemer king.

As the point of Jesus's own submission was brought up by one of the church elders tonight, I have indeed grasped a larger picture of this in terms of what it means to be a representative member of His own body who is ordained to present that image to the world. The rightful submission to authority, quietly and graciously, gladly choosing to enter into right relationship with creation's authority structure.

Same as we are all called to submit to God, then as women are called to submit to church leaders and to husbands, we are presenting the world with a portrait image of what it is that all creation does submit to He who spoke it into being. And that the precious bride of Christ--for whom He set aside His own glory, becoming a suffering servant so to save--defers gladly and lovingly to Him, who purchased our love and deliverance with His own lifeblood.

These aren't small matters. That the world would see that there is a goodness in submission? This is a high calling, still, same as is leadership.

And then, there's the matter of what godly leadership is to entail. From what I've been told this evening, the ordained intent for men to care for the earth was one of protection. Not forcible subjugation.

On this front, the desire not to submit arises out of a multifaceted fear. Having long been the recipient of many abuses, I had long believed self-exaltation was an unavoidable necessity in order to preserve my life and make my way in the world. I have had no protector, aside of God. And I did not turn to Him for protection--instead, I spurned and resented His "interference" in my life. Until relatively recently (four and a half years). So I spent the majority of my life in positions of vulnerability and abuse, coping by the means which I considered to be the only viable ones at any given instance--basically, whatever got me through yet did not entail turning to God (except for while falling of the balcony--He stripped away all delusions of being able to help myself, in that instance, and so I did call on Him).

By and large, there seems to be a lot more abuse in the world than protection:
We tend to commoditize one another--people viewed as means to ends rather than as precious image-bearers for whom Christ died, whom He loves, and who need Him desperately.
Self-indulgence, as such, prevents compassion to the extent present--we can't simultaneously be self-consumed and sincerely moved by the plight of another. These are experiences in opposition to one another.

And that point could be belabored for a while, but enough.

The problem is the response to abuse, wherever turning to God for aid and strength and whatever else He, in His wisdom, would grant--at least His peace...wherever that doesn't happen, the turning which occurs as response is thus away from God. In my own experience, the extent of the initial travesty was unto a likewise extent of turning to depravity to compensate...since I didn't turn to God, I turned all the more violently away from Him.

We're designed to act and interact and respond to what we experience, is the thing. Wherever there's an action, there's a reaction--a principle not restricted to physics. So sin unto me affected me and as I didn't turn to the only one who could deal with it, I turned away from Him instead, under force of doing something to deal. I chose the path which required less confrontation with reality, as another way of putting it. Problem is, that made problems so much worse.

Along these same lines, I'm considering that as someone who wasn't and hasn't been protected, long after the initial grief and pain are numbed, I eventually succumbed to the worldly proposition of self-preservation by whatever means necessary. I'm grateful I was preserved, yes, but am grieved to reflect on many of the things I chose instead of God's grace. Each made the pain worse, ultimately, each drove me further from ability to cope with reality on the whole. Each left me just slightly more callous and cold to the actual plight of others. And along the course of the way, self-preservation morphed into self-exaltation more blatantly--seeking esteem, loving the praise of others, wanting to be noticed, and so on.

Coming to Christ, though, one of the hard matters to come to terms with has been the idea that I don't defend myself. Doesn't mean I willfully place myself in dangerous and abusive situations, in order to "die for a cause"--emotionally, mentally, spiritually, or physically... No, doesn't mean that. But it does mean that where Jesus leads me, I follow and defer foremost to Him. And where there's been abuse, I defer to Him in love and grief, praying and trusting He will line things out in His own time.

I don't have to defend myself, and am called not to do so. And I don't have to preserve myself either, then.

The prevalent notion that if we don't assert our own rights, we'll be trampled on?...which drives us all to strive to assert ourselves more boldly in instances where "we have the right?" That's not of God.

And I err on that so frequently still--particularly driving, where there's law involved and also laws governing right-of-way and where refraining from endeavoring right-of-way when it's appropriate...reinforces illegal and dangerous behavior? It's difficult not to be excessively assertive. As an extreme alternate example, though, is the compulsion to stop in the middle of the road when traffic is flowing in order to let someone else immediately onto the road rather than allowing them to wait (even if impatiently). This latter is dangerous, too. And illegal, to some degree--obstructing the flow of traffic isn't supposed to be arbitrarily done, as accidents happen. So, all the more unreasonable when the whole situation is a matter of assisting someone indulging impatience or anxiety.

Just to say that there is authority over all these matters, and it's only by deferring to Christ that we can actively and continually do what's right and most loving in each instance. And sometimes that may entail abuse. But that's a completely different matter from actively, willfully seeking it out in ways which can harm self and others. Because that latter example of the traffic...while it may seem kind to the extreme, it effectively endangers many people potentially thereafter as well--including the person permitted to abruptly defy order, as there might become a sense of entitlement to do so which thereafter results in harm.

Any way. The whole idea of this latter contemplation of protection being men's calling and submission women's is that it's a scary thing to be so vulnerable to someone else. Especially when the potential for harm is known. And all the more when abuse is blatant, continual.

But I don't believe that lets us off the hook, as far as remaining submissive to the ordained authority paradigm--this, coming from someone who has been in many abusive situations and relationships. However...that doesn't mean silence, either. Doesn't mean refraining from getting out of the line of fire, as the Lord gives peace to do so. Life is precious, after all. And a gift to be cherished.

But in the right context, with the right leadership, submitting to authority can be a portrait to the world of the worthiness of God, the joy of Christ's love, and the blessedness of being cherished and safeguarded as one who is precious. I know this, from knowing Christ.

And from being kept by Him.

Just...where there's an abuse of leadership, sin turns to self-exaltation. Because otherwise, we have to submit to God and trust Him to deal with the things.

There's so much brokenness. So many things are not as they ought to be, due to sin's workings. Abuse should not happen. But neither should defiance of authority. And of the sins, that is what came first.

The deceitfulness of sin, enticing us to exalt ourselves and our own understanding--enticing us to defy God. Then isn't the way to evade temptation to submit to God? How much more a grace to be called continually to submit, to be that much nearer to deliverance all the day.

Vision Casting as Acceptable Christian Witchcraft?: Considering Fruits & Roots of Carnal Ecumenicalism

I am going to continue to pray about this, for sake of further clarity regarding God's word on the matter. But coming from 20 years of being steeped in occult, esoteric knowledge and practice--20 years of honing witchcraft, ignorantly "pursuing God according to my own understanding" (thus rejecting Him out-of-hand by refusing to meet on His explicitly revealed terms)?...hearing about people casting and catching visions is a walk back through that particular flavor of deviance.

Because that concept constitutes the underpinning premise of much of witchcraft: You pick something to focus on, build up increasingly clear and concerted definition of that desire, and increasingly hone your will for it to manifest--whether as an individual or a group. Putting this sort of effort into practice alongside a few Bible verses and prayers doesn't alter the fact that the whole process defies even a pretense of submission to God and submission to His intimate, Scripture concording guidance.

The entire idea of "casting visions" ultimately refers to reliance on human reasoning, no matter how "theologically informed" that reasoning might conceive itself to be: The fundamental premise is one wherein one's own understanding of matters and of needs is considered sufficient to aptly conceive of and manifest whatever's determined appropriately desirable.

I've yet to hear anyone cite "casting a vision" wherein people grasp deeper knowledge of the truth of their sinfulness and the exceeding enormity of God's grace in Christ, as unto a more wholehearted and utter despair of self and submission to Him in repentance. No, there's usually something about "casting vision" which seems--on the surface and according to societal norms--"good" and "personally or societally beneficial." Freedom, maybe. Or...dominion. Or...even saying repentance, but meaning something different than coming to Christ and submitting to Him and His Word, deferentially.

"Good" intentions which don't lead us lovingly and straight to the foot of the cross, speaking truth with compassion and like-minded contrition of awareness of each our need for mercies untold, though...?

Those are not quite good, at the very heart of the matter. And that's what makes the difference, where the same terms are increasingly used for differing matters.

God, alone, is good. What He wills, alone, is good. Deferring to Him is the only way, then.

We are defiant and fickle, apart from deference to Him. Our very best guess at what is good for one another--unless it be solely informed by a right, Holy Spirit interpreted assessment of Scripture--is just going to miss the mark, in some fashion or other. Which is only unto further consequence. Because sin always yields consequence...breaking things has a way of breaking things.

Likewise, the idea that there will never be a point necessitating separation from intimate fellowship with others if only others profess "Christianity" is entirely unscriptural. "Setting aside differences, for the sake of just agreeing on Jesus"...if that were all it truly were, would be something else entirely. But, it's not what it seems. It's a gradual decline to eventually "embracing all faith traditions as equally valid." That's where it goes. Because we can agree to disagree, yes, but that does not mean someone isn't wrong. And pretending otherwise isn't loving, given the consequences due to each and every one of us who contemns Christ by refusing to defer to Him and plead for His offered  forgiveness and mercy.

Jesus outlined a matter of difference in relations between reconciled and unreconciled, recorded as Matthew 18:15-17, specifically in context of directing us to lovingly plead with one another against sin. And Paul called specific people out as being given over to Satan, even, in context of having abandoned a right deference and submission to the truth--abandoning, making shipwreck of faith in God. And Paul's statements weren't malicious, but only a statement of fact which serves as a warning to us all. And we can know Paul's words weren't coming from a place of contempt and malice, given what has also been recorded of the fruits of the Holy Spirit at work in Paul as unto inspired writings preserved by God for His purposes. And given that we've been instructed to put away such things.

We have many warnings, is all. Many. Many dire admonitions, also, specifically not to be deceived. Direly warned that even the very elect would be deceived, if possible (Matthew 24:24). This isn't a small thing. And I'm reminded now of what was said nearing the end of CCEF conference a couple weeks ago: when we read warnings in the Bible, we are in danger if we think or attempt to convince ourselves they aren't for us.

As a means of stressing that point, the fellow speaking told of a time when he was working a locked floor in a hospital where fire alarms were routinely, falsely tripped by residents. One day he heard an alarm and just decided it must be another false one. He decided against being inconvenienced by the warning, decided it didn't mean anything for him personally, and just continued doing paperwork. Until firemen in full gear came and quickly ushered him out of harm's way, during which time he encountered smoke and knew the fear of realizing how utterly foolish he had been.

In a similar fashion, we all tend to become accustomed to rationalizing away the dangers of this world--the pitfalls of our own shortcomings and tendency to falter to temptation (conceived of our own lusts, even). And this, in regard to our faith. Not in terms of threats to body--vast as those are, yes. Rather, real threat to our faith is daily encountered, unless we actively battle against unbelief and strive to know Him more intimately in spirit and truth. For the deceitfulness of sin is vast. It blinds slowly, very gradually encumbering clarity of heart and mind. Cajoling with a false promise that "just a little won't hurt," or "it's not that big a deal," or "these things aren't problems for me." So many siren songs, yet the result is only the same. Shipwreck.

Such snares are nebulous at outset, in a society where we're vaguely in a state of somnambulance (Eph. 5:14-15) alongside the many who relativize all things unto being equally acceptable, thus equally valid, thus none definitive, so that nothing may be deemed divisive as absolute truth cannot help but to be. Dividing asunder even as between bone and marrow. (Hebrews 4:10-12)

Put another way, in the Western world we inhabit society which professes a need for unity at all costs--deeming all things which seek common or individual "good" to be equally justifiable and equally valid. For the sake of peace. For the sake of bettering the world. For the sake of bettering our societies. For the sake of bettering our communities. For the sake of bettering our families. For the sake of bettering the lives of those who are suffering. For the sake of being better people, ourselves.

Despite that there are inherent contradictions rife on all levels of this stance--being sustained by only a glance toward "entitlements" to fair treatment such as nonetheless simultaneously redefines "fairness" at every turn. All under guise of believing that "if we have equality, then we will have peace and good will come to us in the land." Again purporting that if we are all "treated fairly," then we will all "succeed." But these terms are never fundamentally, thus meaningfully defined. They each change in every given context, depending upon the temperament and priorities and values of the audience. Yet this is never questioned (or, at least, I've yet to hear it done). And this does not work: Pursuing nebulous concepts which have no substantive anchor in reality inherently precludes attainment of meaningful or lasting "good," as none such has actually been agreed upon, effectively. Thus, none such is actually being pursued.

Put another way, slightly--apart from reference and submission to God, all aims are falsely skewed toward further defiance against Him. Which, really, this constitutes the basis of the united front being fostered internationally. Which is inherently skewed unto further falsity, as arising from error at the most fundamental of all levels: a foundational departure from reality cannot but yield to further dissonance throughout a dependent system. Fundamental denial of utmost reality cannot sustain solidarity of purpose, as the foundation upon which any such striving rests is itself truly insubstantial.

If we aren't gathering unto truth, we're scattering from it.

The heart of the matter is that there's resentment of God's sovereignty: much of the age-old desire to be "as" the Creator, to act "as" Him in our own lives and so dictate our own fates. But there's simply no human equality with God. We cannot uncreate and recreate ourselves. We can't be unborn as to designate our own birth. And no matter how deeply we may come to understand His creation and the intricacy of wisdom displayed, resonantly throughout...we cannot become reality's creator.

That's just not a thing. He's the Creator and Owner of us all. Period. He speaks things which are not into being. We simply just can't. Whatever we have, we've received--whether talents, strength, intelligence, loving families, abusive families, disabilities, education, employment, unemployment, and all else. We didn't create ourselves. We didn't create the world we were born into. And we can't dictate our genetic make-up, nor our societal endowments. We aren't the gods of our own fate, nor the determiners of our own future, ultimately. We don't even control our own lives, though we may deceive ourselves very deeply otherwise. He allows us to make decisions. He has endowed us with the ability. Even that...is given, where it does persist. So we also only have limited choices, according to His ordained design and order. And due to the fabric and nature of creation and our Creator, where we do decide we also reap the fruits of our decisions. Whether curses or blessings. Serving God or self. One or the other.

But we'll never be God. We're either slaves to Christ or to sin, then. He is our Creator and our Master, ultimately. And either we submit to Him and continually present ourselves as a living sacrifice or we remain under the wrath we've earned, eternal.

And I know how much the idea of deferring to Christ's rightful Lordship over us rankles the chains of those who still refuse to acknowledge His rightful dominance--that utterly caused me irritation and (more deeply than I even permitted myself to realize, generally) resentment, until He brought me to the point of realizing it was true whether I wanted to accept it or not, and the only difference was which consequences would be borne (here and now as satisfied by Christ, or hereafter and unto eternal hell).

The fleshly spirit which isn't in submission to Him wants to assert its own rights and dominance and capacity for doing right and accomplishing good, all by its own interpretation and means, is all. Sometimes though that is presented under false pretense of striving to please Him. Problem is, without faith we can't please Him. Period.

No matter what we might try. Scripture attests that as being impossible.

And if we don't even know or acknowledge who and how He is, we really are in a position of being unable to honor Him--faith entails rightly knowing and acting in accordance with submission to the knowledge that He's God and we're not. Faith sees the truth of His rightful sovereignty and thus repents in dust and ashes, for also seeing the travesty and tragedy of sin. Faith entails rightly assessing reality and truth. A valid faith perforce thus acts upon truth. So, if we aren't honoring Christ as God and Master in our hearts' desires and intentions and our actions----we don't possess faith. Instead, we pursue idols.

And this is all not nearly as precisely relayed as I would deeply desire, but the thread of reasoning is here, nonetheless. I'm just despairing in the Lord's direction over these matters, for love of the church and for love of God. I am sincerely hoping and praying for His mercy for us all--myself much included, as I have no idea how to proceed or what to do except pray and wait and trust He'll guide.

These types of idols are utterly beguiling, is all: To "please Him" by "walking in the authority and power He has given?" To "please Him" by "believing who we are, and acting like it?" To "please Him" by "doing what He called us to do?" All of it presents a vague, overarching sound of seeming legitimacy. Who among us who seeks Christ and wants His forgiveness would not want to please God? And who among us who actually loves Christ doesn't want to please Him?

But...there's a sort of shifty guilt as an implicit motivating factor--guilt, in that the inherent implication is that if we otherwise do less than or otherwise than these things we are "letting God down, since we're not doing what He wants us to do by using the gifts He's given and also walking in the authority He wants us to have." But God isn't a manipulator. Jesus is our righteousness. Period. What the Father has ordered is that we believe on/in/unto the One He sent. And love God with everything we are, also loving others as ourselves. If Christ Himself did only as the Father presented to Him, why would we do other than just...be led by His Spirit, deferentially and as continually seeking Him in Scripture?

He doesn't have to make empty promises and wheedle people into doing what He would have them do, is all. He's not a petulant overseer who's disappointed but resigned to just bear with us sadly, when we don't "live up to our potential." He prepared good works for us beforehand, that we would walk in them. As we complete the sufferings of Christ. For our God is one who has bled and died for us on a cross--becoming a curse for us, so that we might be forgiven for the very sins which are due the very wrath He drank to the dregs for us. Our God walked amongst us as a servant--a suffering and despised servant whom we crucified. Our God wept when He encountered the death of others, and wept when He was faced with enduring our due wrath and suffering and rejection and shame and pain and torture and death, though being the very God of life. Our God--the author and sustainer of life--died. So that He also would overcome death. So that by His self-sacrificial death we would be redeemed, and through His resurrection we stand justified.

Sometimes only by looking full on the truth of what Christ has done and who He is does the strangeness of other doctrines become apparent when there's "seeming goodness" inherent those doctrines.

All the more to remember that the God of all Creation--Christ Jesus, our Savior and King--assured us we must take up our own cross in this world, if we are going to follow Him. He also assured us that we would not be greater than Him--we will not be exempt from His sufferings, if we are His (one of two options--His or not--He delineated and defined these categories)--for the servant isn't greater than the Master, as the student is not greater than the Teacher.

He assured us we will have trouble in the world, if we are His. But He also assured us that we need not be concerned, because He has overcome the world. And He reigns, now. Though things haven't all been wholly brought into subjection, as of yet. Though the kingdom is coming, even now, in those who are His.

Just as He said, for we can do nothing apart from Him. Like as He didn't do anything apart from the Father, yes? So, either we must abide in the True Vine or be cut off from Him. These are the only options.

So I'm not sure where the good news is, in this:  thinking we have to save the world and/or take possession of it, ourselves, because we have power? As I've read, we've been told to expect rejection and persecution, instead of victorious dominion on this earth (until He returns, at least)--such that the best-case scenario is to walk in such a way that there's not knowing offense come through us, and as that we do such good that people who despise us and God will nonetheless give glory to God due to our lives. We walk as strangers, sojourners, and the despised of the world if we are Christ's. And of this lattermost though, I see good news: Being Christ's, being forgiven sin and imputed His righteousness. So that even enduring rejection and pain and suffering in this life will work a greater glory, in eternity. Such that the joy of His fellowship now persists in the midst of sufferings, and His guidance is steadfast and ongoing. His Spirit leads, as the flesh is put to death. Walk by the Spirit and you will not fulfill the deeds of the flesh, perhaps? Even as those who are led by the Spirit of God are adopted. Sons of God. By His stripes, we're healed--righteousness which isn't our own is given to us, so that we are made accepted and acceptable in the Beloved. This pleased God. And the glory of His grace will be praised.

So, then--by what means and on what grounds ought we contrive to figure out ways to unite society and overcome adversity and squelch poverty and suffering? Jesus grieved these things, yes. And if we love Him and love one another so shall we... But if we know Him, we know that He is the one--the only one--who can or will right these travesties of brokenness. And, further, if we know Him well enough even as to know ourselves to some extent truthfully, we'll know we don't even fathom the depths of the darkness in our own hearts. So, too, we'll be increasingly humbled to realize that similarly as we aren't capable of even knowing ourselves except for by His light, how much less are we capable to know--independent of deference to Him--the means by which to "heal" others and the world?

Put another way, we cannot heal ourselves, how then are we undertaking by our own understanding to heal the church, society, the world?

All to say--as best I know from Scripture and from knowing Christ and walking with Him step by step (I should be dead so many times over--He has been very merciful again and again, and increasingly to my awareness is this so)--no matter how good our intentions, we haven't any righteousness which is truly beneficial, apart from submitting to God's leading.

Which...isn't to say that we do absolutely nothing and stop caring and serving and interaction. He doesn't lead that way. Antichrists, however, do. But not Christ, Himself: He leads to selfless devotion to whatever is placed before us, for the sake of love and the love of truth: For the love of God and man. Counting others far more worthy than ourselves, we will press in to Christ so to serve more selflessly and more wholeheartedly, knowing we cannot do so otherwise.

All of which runs counter to fleshly reason, is the reason--the carnal mind is enmity against God. Such as requires death to one's own sense of independent capacity, significance, understanding, righteousness, and justification--incrementally accomplished by God's merciful interventions in our hearts as we draw nearer to Him. For when we deeply believe we comprehensively know things, we are seeing all so much more only the smallest part of reality. (1 Cor 8:2). ...or otherwise, we would yet realize something about how little we actually know, because of understanding some honest degree of the exceeding further greatness and incomprehensibility of God's own wisdom.

Thus we are better suited to defer to the One who knows all. Let Him lead. Seek that He will do so. Plead that He will. Rather than dredging up ideas which seem righteous and profitable, and mindlessly attempting to spread them. (Just to consider: Prov. 16:25, Prov. 19:21, Prov. 21:2, Prov. 24:12) Because the problem isn't a desire to "do good"--the problem is that our very ability to actually "do good" necessarily is solely predicated upon an actual deference to that which is Good. To Him who is good. Our best intentions are otherwise unavoidably deviant, as it goes.

He does lead us to serve others, though--just to note again, this isn't exempted. There will be widows comforted, homeless clothed, orphans adopted, and the starving will be fed. We will desire justice and mercy. And will lament lack. Just...not on the sole basis of our own understanding of what's right and good, rather as a deferent, manifest worship of Christ and love of Him overflowing unto love of others.

All of which is not to say that He doesn't ever work via self-serving, self-gratifying acts endeavoring mercy. He's so gracious that the sun shines on the righteous and the evil and rain falls on the wicked and the just. He is very merciful.

Something that I'm driving at is just of the nature that there's a type of purported kindness and love and peace which is common today which forsakes and abnegates truth for the sake of "brotherhood," and "kindness," yet there's something of what's at the heart of these which is also at the heart of this other: Idolatry, of each, yes. There's something specific regarding perhaps an unspoken agreement amongst many to worship one another?--as: "so long as we each remain accommodating to the unstated agreement to worship one another at least by refraining from questioning one another's beliefs, then no dissent against one another from outsiders will be granted credence." It's a solidarity, of sorts, but with a faulty foundation. There's false peace, then. A false love. Allotting false hope. And preserving hollow joy. Part of this all arises from and remains concentric about the sheer refusal to define terms of interaction and intent--so long as there's an element of the nebulous, then truth can be "accommodated" and deviance "denied."

Casting visions and seeking to establish and maintain a unity which forsakes truth...all arise from departure from an  actual submission to God which yields unto striving to intimately know Him and serve Him foremost as life's intent and core desire. But we need His help, even for this. Period. Just as we need to know Him, we need His help as to do so--His Word grafted on our hearts by the Holy Spirit, yet we need His Spirit to reveal Him per His Word. That has to be the foremost cry of our hearts, always--to walk in step with Him and know Him ever more deeply. By His Word. For otherwise, we're actively stepping further into distraction, unto delusions.

Jesus pleaded with the Pharisees, regarding thinking they had life in the Scriptures without ever actually coming to Him: He's a person. A living God. Active. Period. So we can come to Him, or continue to do things our own way. Not an option to do both--mutually exclusive. (John 5:39-40)

All of which to say that if we're not actively directing ourselves and one another unto Christ, we're directing away from Him. Which latter...is neither loving nor good.

Such is the flesh and the spirit of man that if we aren't actively bringing all things into subjection to the truth of God's sovereignty and presentient mind...we are actively forgetting His wisdom exceeds our own, beyond measure. So, yeah. Let's not cast visions, please? He's merciful, but we're better not to test Him.

Lets turn our eyes to Jesus, instead. And not to a "vision" of Him, even, but to an increasing consideration of all He's revealed in Scripture, so as to know Him more accurately in spirit and truth. May we desire Him above all things, else. (1 Tim. 1:5) Let us turn to Christ.

Various Thoughts on Emotional/Mental Healing

Wow. I am just so overwhelmed by the Lord's mercies, right now. There's still so much brokenness and chaos in my life and self and relationships right now, but there's healing too. And I keep being utterly taken aback by the realization that I really had not believed that healing was possible. 

And I don't mean that in a blatant, defiant sense--as though I had considered the possibility of healing and discounted it as unavailable and improbable. But, rather, that I had been living and comporting myself and considering reality in such a way that I had been utterly blind to the brokenness, having been long accustomed to living by means of adaptation and adoption of unconscious coping strategies. To the exclusion of awareness of the pains, having long been accustomed to their presence.

You cannot put faith in what you refrain from acknowledging, put another way. So, as such, I did not believe in the possibility of healing. Emotionally. And mentally. And physically, to a much lesser extent. ..as physical pains are all the more lingering, in consciousness.

As the Lord seems often wont to relay via multiple, parallel means...to put another way, I have also experienced recognition of awareness of the extent of physical healing recently, too. Which has and does reinforce the emotional and mental healing also become recognized.

Of the physical, I was utterly and unexpectedly caught by surprise in realizing a pain I'd been long accustomed to enduring and accommodating for...is no longer present. I am still taken aback by this to such an extent that I'm confused by the absence and keep altering my posture to the prior accommodations for pain.

I'd visited a friend whom I'd used to visit weekly, last Wednesday--for the first time in many months. And twice got up from the chair I was sitting in, to walk across the room. Each time, I caught myself rigidly holding my spine in a contorted fashion--marginally consciously aware of the expectation of pain regardless the stance...and that's when I realized what I was doing, because I found myself unexpectedly shocked each time. Because the pain did not come. And I hadn't known or realized I'd been expecting it, so wholly had I been accustomed to marginalizing, accommodating for, and minimizing its presence.

I didn't realize until being shocked that it didn't come.

Similarly, healing that has been given--emotionally...mentally--has not been expected or believed in because I've been a life-time in practice of actively deluding myself regarding the severity of incapacitation and pains. Largely for having no context by which to otherwise understand, except that which was broken and pain-wracked.

I have been so wrong about so many things. Utterly deluded. And He still hasn't brought me to the end of matters, regarding the extent of my self-delusions.

There's something about experiencing what is right and good and true and well...which provides anchor unto correction. Jesus, Himself, provides means by which to know truth and seek to yield to Him, as unto reconciliation to truth. Which is healing.

And by part and proxy of like mannered things and circumstances and relationships which also are reflection and manifest Him...then there becomes means of knowing what has been wrong per light of experiencing what is right. (Like as per reading Scripture.)

Someday, perhaps, the Lord will afford time here and means for open reflection regarding more of the specifics of some of these matters--the posts of recent have touched on many of these things, now that they no longer hold sway over me and thus can be openly regarded in light of the fact that Jesus has freed me and borne the shame and wrath in my place. For these things are shameful. And deserve wrath, punishment, eternal.

But God...He intervened. He bore my consequences and my shame. That in coming to Him, in submitting to the truth of Jesus Christ's sovereignty and power and forgiveness and mercy...I am free. Free to love Him. Free to love others, as He has loved. Free to be reconciled in body and soul to truth and wellness. Bit by bit. Image to image, glory to glory.

And so, I'm utterly confounded (ie, I don't know what's going to happen, and thus consider myself confused per such awareness as of my lack of foreknowledge). And yet at peace. I trust God. He has been good to me.

...and this next will seem like a completely random change of topic, perhaps, but I'm not going to clarify for the moment...

I don't have to watch movies. I don't have to listen to secular music. I don't have to watch the news. I don't have to participate in politics (though I will pray...and vote for Jesus--though He's already in charge, anyway). I don't have to do the things that will distract me from Him. Including art. Including further schooling. Including music (though I do want to worship more, and that is a blatant avenue of doing so, for me...but...learning instruments is so time consuming, when I could otherwise be devoting the energy and thought toward His Word or writing of His kindness or all so many things). And I'm still uncertain of social media. But that's fine too--the uncertainty, prayerful.

I don't have to do things which make sense to people. I can follow Christ.

And though I equate uncertainty often with being confounded that certain matters which appear so clear to me, in Scripture prayerfully perused and meditated upon at length (though not comprehensively, as that will be an infinite thus eternal thus never completed matter)...being utterly strangely practiced by many...then, still, I don't have to set aside my own convictions for the sake of being more socially acceptable. Not so long as I walk humbly with God, lovingly beside others. Seeking justice, loving mercy, and walking humbly with Him.

Now...there's still brokenness and pain. But I know there's healing. And there's a certain hope which hadn't been present before in the way it is, now. So I long for more healing, for the sake of more wholeheartedly following Christ and glorifying Him without regard for self. I don't know what His will is, with certainty, yet. But I will continue to submit to Him. Because He's my Lord and Master. Amongst many things. And because I trust Him beyond all things else. And whatever He would have for me, I know is good. Whereas also I know that whatever I would choose for myself, apart from submission to Him...is not wholly good.

So I'll trust, too, that He will help me walk in submission on these matters. Because I can't do that, either, apart from His help.

I keep remembering too, something made apparent two years ago. Around the idea of walking on water, convergent with following Him and walking by the Spirit--at the shoreline, the prospect of doing so is not nearly so offensive to fleshly reasoning, because the reality of plunging isn't dire since fleshly abilities are still considered adequate to wade the depths of that terrain. But the further from shore, the more vital to trust Him wholeheartedly (ever more so), as not to plunge into the murky depths of all which would seek to encompass and overwhelm. Being led, then, in circumstances which are utterly foreign except that the One leading knows their height and breadth and depth and width to the measure of all knowing, whole. And His guidance is utterly precise and unerringly wise. No matter the grief or pain endured in the passage, each is unto a weight of glory incomparable with the present sufferings. For we do have that hope: Christ, our God, will be glorified. Period.

So, though I oft and always have been utterly blind on matters romantic...He's restored to me vision. How complete, I have next-to-no idea, for having been prior unaware of even being blind. But enough to know that I just don't know, now. Except to know I need Jesus, first, foremost, and all in all.

I'm not going to try to figure things out, in other words. Because He's helped me know enough to know I'm not truly capable. And I'm strangely okay with that, somehow, but just because I trust the One to whom I defer.

I'm just caught reeling, though. I have been so completely deluded. So completely wrong. Flummoxed at the completeness of delusion. And deeply grateful to be gifted sight, even especially as not having had ample sense as to detect the prior lack. Then, further, utterly uncertain of what to do or how to proceed, being entirely on unfamiliar territory.

I'd once written, years ago--in a blog which I'd deleted shortly after coming to know Christ (of which such there were multiple, each with varying degrees of anonymity and depravity)--of feeling a stranger wandering from my own land into the realms of others, just to bear company for mere moments at a time. Though each time falling short of finding fulfillment, feeling the call of my own realm too powerful once more, despite the relative isolation. Seeking solidarity, yet finding none. Meeting on many grounds, yet never ones familiar or at home. Thus always having to turn back, turn away, for sake of the relative comfort of reclaiming some degree of integrity. For sake of returning to truth which would not bear silence or suffocation. Though alone, seeking solidarity of self if none else. Thus referred to as my own "land."

I'm not going to follow through on completing the thoughts later expressed in that prior posting, except to note that the sum of all those desires were fulfilled in Christ, ultimately. When I came to know Him, myself. And to walk with Him. And I posted that revelation, at length, and left it for a time before doing away with that hollow and strange cavern of mislaid dreams and desires.

But I'm reminded of that, now. Of the desire not to need to forsake truth merely so as to bear companionship. Because the whole point of that passage was just the notion that in order to be alongside others, there seemed again and again requirement to suppress varied aspects of my own reality in order to be acceptable and accepted.

And I had been carrying that same mentality and approach to relationships, still, unbeknownst to me. I am still so confounded by this, and still keep contorting myself back into that same stature, afraid of the pain that will come otherwise.

Yet for the past couple weeks, the pain hasn't come. Instead, there's been peace. And hope and joy. In Christ, my Savior.

What I'm finding though, is that as I straighten, other pains are beginning to cross into awareness. And I haven't idea how to deal with them either. But I know the one who can.

I had no idea healing was even possible. Or so vitally necessary to walking in the light of truth. Surrendering to and submitting to Jesus yields unto freedom from all that ails.

Thoughts on Clarity, Coming to Christ, and Commoditization of the Ineffable

The wonders of His goodness never cease. And may they never grow dim for you, dear friends.

Sin does indeed darken our vision--making our awareness of reality become obscured by the gaudy haze of delusion wrought to even enter willingly into sin as though it could fulfill. We have to entertain and live lies in order to opt for sin, rather than opting for obedience.

And this isn't a matter of rote, mechanical submission. But a matter of delighting in Him, delighting in His law. And not as a matter either of submitting to the Levitical code.

There is a way that seems right to a man which leads unto death. Obedience for the sake of completing a task isn't loving endeavor to please one's Beloved. And we know that the system of law was outlined to be a schoolmaster leading to Christ, whereas the sacrificial system was likewise--as the blood of beasts cannot take away the sin of man. But the sin of our faithful, perfect elder brother and God, Christ...His blood atones. Once, for all.

Yet we have to come to Him. To Him. Not merely and only to His Word, the Scriptures, which speak of Him, testify of Him, and direct us toward Him--we must go to Jesus. Himself. Seeking, asking, knocking. Ongoing. Not a solitary instance of turning, but a reorientation unto Him which ever further  and more completely aligns one unto Him more completely.

Knowing Him. Walking in submission to the truth that He is God, come incarnate, who was born as the Passover Lamb which would take away the sins of the world. And yet for those who don't come to Him, who reject what has been said of Him, and who reject Him and His salvation throughout this life--whether pushing out of mind as to deny need or overtly and consciously rejecting Him?...He said they have already been condemned (John 3:16-18), that their sin remains (John 9:41). He died for the sins of the world, and yet in order to be cleansed and redeemed, we must come to Him in spirit and truth and receive of Him forgiveness and righteousness which isn't our own.

Pondering this just a bit ago, with what limited understanding I have of these things, I was reminded of something learned while studying hospitality management regarding perishable commodities. There are some commodities--like hotel rooms, airplane seats, event seating--which each have perishable states of availability. A room in a hotel for tonight will either be "sold" tonight or it won't--once tonight has passed, the room will never again be able to be "sold" for tonight. Same of an airline ticket for a particular flight, or seating for a scheduled event--once that flight has gone, once that event has taken place, it's not possible for revenue to be gained for that instance of prior availability. Future dates, future events--yes, so long as still in operation. But this is all just to give example of something which is a tangible commodity which has intangible properties related to time and space.

What Jesus has done for us isn't a commodity. Who He is cannot be comprehended utterly. He has given us His Word by which we can come to know Him--seeing of Him, learning of His nature: learning who He is, what He's done, how He's interacted with His creation in the midst of our rebellions and our fidelity. He has revealed His heart to us, and His thoughts, in so much of what He has given. That we may know Him, intimately, by coming to Him via His Word--on His terms, yet in our terms...He has made Himself accessible. And He will give His Spirit, too, that we can understand. And that we can be united to Him, in truth and Spirit.

None of this is precisely quantifiable, though He has distinctly described many of the aspects of the nature of how this passes. Precisely in that it's coming to Jesus Christ, Himself, which makes the difference in being able to know God, period. And not just coming to Him, but coming to Him with a contrite heart, knowing our guilt in the presence of a holy, sovereign God. And further, seeking mercy. Not with a hardened heart.

And this isn't a completed thought right now, but I need to go to sleep. The Lord bless you and help you to seek to know Him more deeply and revel in Him more wholeheartedly. He is good and kind and loving. And He is ever enough. Beyond all imagining.

Submitting to Truth: Knowing Christ

Drawing near to Christ is the only thing. He has been so gracious. I keep wanting to qualify that statement with "over the weekend," when in truth...it's always. Merely, I've been particularly aware of His graciousness this recent weekend--time spent in worship and studying His Word with a 1,000 or so other saints in attendance at a conference to study the Scriptures. A foretaste of what it will be to praise Him in heaven, continually, and to ever be coming to know Him and love Him more acutely.

What a blessing, though, to have been granted opportunity to spend something of 72 hours in devout pursuit of Him in conversation, study, and praise--concerted, collective pursuit, with each and all truly directing each and all to Him, continual. Oh, how great a blessing.

If only we all were always apt to turn one another's eyes to Christ, no matter the circumstance--that all our conversations would strive, concertedly, to glorify Him by turning all thoughts and experiences out only in context of the truth of His sovereign majesty and unfathomable mercies. He is merciful--God is.

Our continued existence attests quite clearly to that fact, for those with eyes to see and a heart to know.

The long and short of the entire weekend is that His Word is living and active. Given to us by a God who has spoken. Who speaks. And who will speak. Via His Scriptures. All of which is utterly enough for our every need. And if we doubt that or feel inclined to be opposed to the sufficiency of Scripture, we need pray that He will help us to rest in knowing that He has spoken, and it is enough.

His self-revelation to us through the prophets and in Christ is so much more than we could ever exhaust, over a lifetime's pursuit of understanding. "New" revelation is a strange thing, then.

Which...isn't to say that He doesn't guide, individually. But...according to His Word. Not ever in contradiction to it.

And the point which is most difficult, of that, is to realize that there are some matters which require a significant amount of prayer and study to comprehend--and some matters which seemingly truly are beyond human grasp. These seem to be the matters which end up being the most divisive amongst brethren, as there are proof-texts which each side of any given such divide can cite to establish and maintain their stance. But proof-texts fall short of determining definitive understanding of His ways, when they fall short of consistently accounting for the entire revealed counsel of God.

Where there are seeming contradictions, as one of the teachers I've learned from has noted, this indicates deeper theology. Something much more intricate than can be grasped by a superficial assessment of apparent statements, but which requires ongoing pursuit of understanding the Lord's nature as revealed contextually and comprehensively regarding such seeming contradictions.

Like as not, his nature's complexity isn't something which can be easily grasped, given He is simultaneously one and three. Three in one. In a way which I am still humbled to even attempt to grasp, for fear of misrepresenting Him--though I know God the Son walked amongst us, in submission to God the Father, and empowered by God the Holy Spirit. All one sovereign Being, though three Persons. That...is beyond me to entirely grasp, though I see it as apparent in what has been revealed and sovereignly ordained as codified Holy Scriptures.

These things are mysterious. Though, recently, I'd heard the ancient connotation to that word--mystery--isn't present in modern interpretation. Mystery had some implication of a thing which was once hidden but which is increasingly revealed, unto increasing depths of knowing and understanding.  Not something which is ever and always wholly unknown. Not wholly unknowable, just requiring diligent pursuit of understanding in order to grasp.

He's said that those who seek (and continue to seek) will find.

The end of this weekend was very graciously concluded with dire warnings not to take lightly the Word of God nor to presume that we are (any of us) exempt from the warnings clearly given through the New Testament epistles. Rather, we should take all the warnings to heart. Primarily, those which Jesus directly gave, recorded via the gospels.

Like as with John 5:39-40. Salvation in not in the Scriptures, themselves, not in anything we say or do. Not in our desires. Not in ourselves, at all. We all are sinners. Salvation is in knowing Jesus, period.
Those who know Him, personally, are the ones receiving His forgiveness and being imputed the righteousness which is necessary to escape the wrath to come. There's no other way.

We must intimately know Jesus Christ, Himself. In Spirit and truth. And the whole of Scripture speaks of Him.

Apparently, Martin Luther called the Bible as a whole the cradle of Christ--something in the nature of presenting Him to the world, from start to end, while also revealing the law (which is a schoolmaster pointing to Christ) and revealing ourselves and our wretchedness to us (which directs us entirely to the need for Christ's salvation--His redeeming sacrifice on our behalf and the subsequent imputation of His own righteousness to us). The whole of the Scriptures point to Him. That we may wholly, with all our beings love God (Jesus Christ, who died for our redemption) and love others (those for whom He also died). And live in entire submission to Him, as such.

Which is only possible as we walk by His Spirit, not by our own private understanding nor solely by the thusly directed means of our own fleshly abilities (though overt ability be God-given). Salvation is only to be known as by knowing Him, though. And we can't dredge up an understanding of these matters by mere logic, no matter how we might try.

So there's the call to repent, for the Kingdom of God truly is at hand. God has come, in the flesh. He has paid the price of our redemption: living without ever erring, satisfying the debt of punishment due us by enduring it Himself, overcoming death as thereafter to impute to us the righteousness required for us to dwell in God's presence. He triumphed over all, that we can have victory in Him. Jesus Christ is our own and only means to enter God's presence, after this life on earth. He is our salvation, our redemption. He is. Unification with Him is all which allots victory. And, as He is also the ultimate Judge and King of all...He is the one with whom we will all have to do, at the final call.

So come to know Him, now, as King and Master...as to receive deliverance from sin, death, and the wrath to come. Turn to Him now, to receive His eternal life. For He is life. In His presence is fullness of joy. Heaven is thus to be in His presence. Nothing higher. Nothing other.

His is the eternal weight of glory. Someday to enter His presence with singing, with praise, with prostration in reverence will be all which could ever be desired by those who love Him, in truth. To fall at His feet in abject and utter abandon and submission will be the sum of all desire, knowing the truth of sin's wretchedness, His mercy, and His absolutely unfathomable grace toward sinners such as we.

Someday. Someday we will all enter His presence. Best to make peace along the way.

Haphazardly Reflecting Upon the Journey Prior

Regarding this weird process of healing which includes remembering horrors, the present difference has largely arisen out of being able to survey traumatic instances without reliving them to such extent as to be wholly overwhelmed and left in a state of perturbation for days. Having peace in Christ and remembering the safety of being sheltered and kept by Him has made all the difference.

Which isn't to say I'm not still utterly panic-stricken a vast majority of the time, on a level which doesn't generally register consciously. I am. Today constituted the first day in...a very long time...wherein I became aware of that particular aspect of my personal reality without simultaneously being utterly gripped by the terror simmering just beneath the surface of all my goings-on.

Prior to Christ, I had some very and extremely unhealthy "coping mechanisms" for dealing with that terror. The most "effective" of which was whiskey. Some of the other sort dealt primarily with suppressing awareness of reality by entering into situations which were oppressive or so overwhelming or otherwise unsettling and false as to permit suspending reality for varied periods of time. Pretending. Another way of phrasing that same avenue for suppression of terror would be to remark that I sought out the most compelling distractions I could find and utterly gave myself into them. Romance was a big one, on that front--whether novels or experience. I used to sarcastically, yet honestly state it was the "ultimate distraction." For myself, at least.

So, as far as sin goes, I heaped upon heaps in attempting to flee from the pains of reality. And this, even having been confronted with God in my youth. And having been confronted with Jesus's provision to those who call on Him in sincerity. Still, I would not turn to Him.

Especially not after being rejected by those whom I considered His people.

I had been drawn into the spiritual as propagated at Benny Hinn "crusades," when I was perhaps 12--my mom chartered a bus, to go. And when those same experiences followed me back into the solemn Methodist Church of my youth, I was set on the sidewalk in the throes. And never spoken to about the matter. I felt anathema. Literal.

And, as taken in conjunction with having come to believe that repentance is an expiring offer--that somehow we only get so many chances, and after we've used them, we won't be able to repent again...and the only way to know if I'd repented was if I had stopped the sin being repented of? Well, I found myself tacitly incapable of ceasing the sin.

...so between thinking I only had a limited number of chances to repent remaining--whereas I hadn't figured out a means of ceasing sin yet so to repent rightly--and also being so stricken with the sense of being anathema due to my own experiences...

...I stopped with church. Still attended. Because that wasn't an option.
Still went to the youth group, because...it was a means of being away from home for a while, out of the grip of fear and anxiety and insufficiency for a few moments...and nearly accepted...at least, until I started practicing some of the occult matters I'd learned in midst of fellowship.

Because part of the turning away from church was a "turning to seek God on my own terms," as mentioned in the prior post.

And He's dealt with me on these matters--both regarding being unable to divorce pursuit of Him from love for His church (broken as she may oft be), and also regarding His sovereign prerogative that we must seek Him on His terms if we're to truly know Him.

I learned a lot, seeking to know of Him and of reality and of spirituality on my own terms. But the premises upon which all that learning rested were flawed, false, and thus so goes the knowledge, corrupt. Which, again, is wherein we aren't capable to rewrite reality according to our preferences--in attempting to do so, we're merely obfuscating yet never obliterating truth.

Of which, at one point the only means seemingly apt to discern was to study the all of history and philosophy, so to attain sufficient breadth of knowledge as to gauge. But the whole was deemed too vast, so I settled on religion. Having stepped apart from the One True God, I started with pantheons.

And honed down through many, over many. To the point that none seemed fruitful, despite that in light of the reality of existence a Creator is implied. Yet, how to know Him? Knowing about Him became a thing, instead, based on assessing the nature of consistency within reality's constraints--pattern upon pattern, allowing extrapolation upon extrapolation in many instance, unto loose comprehension of multi-varied facets of systemic operation. Parallels on varied fronts, from physics, to maths, to biology, to sociology. All so orderly.

But I was so focused on the trees that I still refused to want to know the forest. I wanted, instead, to know on my own terms, still.

All the while refusing to acknowledge the fears and griefs and rages and lusts that compelled me, in life. Refusing to acknowledge them, largely because there was no safe context in or from which to assess such things as not to be wholly consumed by them. As attempted suicide was an ongoing part of the process, too, in those moments when I ceased successfully suppressing the all--largely driven by a mixture of pride (ie, self-consumed, self-loathing), frustration with my own inability to do all things (unto rage-fueled, defiant self-destructiveness), and despair of my powerlessness in the grip of grief, pain, and all else.

Pride. I would not turn to Him.

And it did not help that I experienced spiritual reality independently of submission to God. That further fueled my defiance and willfulness.

But of knowing Him, now, He is helping me to deal with the reality of my own sinfulness--both of the sins against me and of my own rampant transgressions. Unto deeper submission, in light of an incrementally expanding realization of the reality of my own wretchedness, brokenness, and helplessness taken in context of the also burgeoning awareness of Christ's mercy and love, of His grace toward me. Such that I can increasingly more forthrightly speak with greater acuity of the wretchedness of what I had lived, against Him and all Creation. Same as any of us who aren't walking in conscious, glad submission to the truth of His sovereignty and our need for mercy through Christ.

There are so many things. So many things which I once gloried in, seeking self-fulfillment, happiness, and "self-actuation," as it were...which, now, are solemnly, sadly remembered. So much brokenness and sin, unto further brokenness and sin--and for all those around, too. Of which, I have been increasingly grateful to have never achieved a place of high social standing for the fact of knowing how many all the more whom I would have harmed had that been the case. Except for the rare few whom the Lord nonetheless blessed me, even then, through companionship and kindness...for whom I have and will continue to pray. And interact, if He gives.

To be able to remember without being overwhelmed with shame or fear, though? To be able to openly remark, in light of grieving the sins of my life while yet rejoicing in my Savior's mercies? To be able to no longer feel as though all life prior must never be remarked, for fear of falling prey again to those compulsions and desires?...or worse yet, to then discover them still lurking and only awaiting the next moment of consumption? To speak without any longer fearing that I must hold it all at arms' length and somehow nearly pretend my life wasn't what it has been in order to honor His salvation--fearing that there need be quietness which may imply that struggles aren't still ongoing and battles sometimes lost (while yet acknowledging that struggles have vastly changed from what once was life's norm)?

I can only increasingly attest my own wretchedness because of the grief which sin yet inspires under weight of the desire to honor my gracious God and King with my all, while ever realizing and embracing His mercies and salvation all the more. And I do not want to dwell on these things, and will not do so, either.

But there is a time for remembering Egypt. And it's cyclic. And an ongoing part of being humbled. While also an ongoing part of being healed, per coming to terms increasingly with reality of circumstances...while increasingly finding that those prior effects and circumstances have less and less a claim on present life. All in light of coming to know and cherish Christ more wholly.

So, that's where healing has arisen. And that's why it's possible to more forthrightly acknowledge these things, as the charred carnage which has been laid again and again on the altar of my devotion to Christ. Until it's consumed by His encompassing love, wholly.

And the thing is--I will forever be shaped by these matters. But these scars will increasingly converge to tell a story only of my Savior's love, as He tends the wounds more deeply. His grace has ever been sufficient, and the more clearly aware I am of how truly just He is and of how completely I deserve His wrath, the more gratefully I bow before Him in recognition and rejoicing of His merciful atonement. He paid the debt He didn't owe to give us the life we don't deserve, truly.

All these bits and pieces of the past aren't intended to congeal wholly to represent the entirety of what life was, just enough to clarify my own manners of deviance, of some the paths sought and found false. Leading to Him, ultimately.

Brokenness, Sexuality, Attraction, and the Greatness of Grace

The Lord is teaching me a lot about right relations.

I had not known how very dysfunctional my understanding of and ways of interacting have been. Walking in submission to Christ changes things, seeking direction. Though I fail so often, too, getting caught up in things going on around me or distracted by the very fears or desires of my own fickle heart. Rather than to just walk in remembrance of Christ's love and mercy, walking in the peace of submission to Him and thus in the joy of His presence.

Most formatively, as go conscious-ish things...there's been a preoccupation with romance. I was exposed to and drawn into things which many young children now are, unfortunately and destructively, from the age of three. Sexuality. Incited by an encounter with a family member, at the age of three. Then again with another family member not long after. Then, with other youths who were also obviously also damaged by likewise illicit interactions, at about six and nine. And ongoing, thereafter. All of which was coincided by initiation into an obsession with pornography from the age of three. Which continued until the Lord set me free, June of 2014.

Something of Thomas Payne, I think?, about a "long habit of not thinking a thing wrong gives the superficial appearance of being right:" That well-describes the normalization of consumption of pornography and erotica in my life. And also, as some of the illicit abuses were homosexual in nature, they were all the more destructive. It is only by the grace of God that I never wholly entered into that lifestyle, having begun an incremental initiation at the age of either four or five.

All of which was evil. Outside the context of marriage, period. And the bottom line of these things is that sexuality doesn't ultimately define a person, no matter how much it may elicit various responses from others. Gender...is a different matter. And converse to what society now claims, gender is the one genetically determined and unchangeable, while sexuality is a matter which is only rightly expressed as done so in alignment with God's express will. Which means within context of the marriage created as a unification of the two genders unto one flesh. A greater whole, as the sum of diverse parts. A unified diversity. He said He made man in His image--male and female He made them, in His image. So there's something to that which is distinctly ordered to represent God, of that which was ordered unto unity.

I've heard argument from someone professing Christianity who simultaneously attested that witches and various other groups who don't submit to Christ are just as entitled to their own beliefs, their own salvation, as anyone who professes Christianity. But the thing is, we don't get to define God. He is who and how He is, regardless our desire to remake Him in our image. And the problem with seeking Him on our own terms--as I once professed to do, when initially steeping myself in the occult--is that He's the one who has revealed the terms by which we are even able to know Him. If we want to know Him, we may do so. On His terms. Through Jesus Christ, alone.

Point being, no matter how convinced we may feel or claim to be of various matters related to life and godliness, unless we're in alignment with the ultimate authority on these matters, we're deceived.

So even as much as sexuality may seem something that's all-encompassing and all-consuming, it's only a part of the whole which is a human being. Because attraction doesn't indicate suitability or rightness of relationship. I have been learning this the hard way all my life, having been initiated to destructively by family members and same-sex cohorts into the matters. And thereafter having been so utterly consumed with the idea of romance being defined by sexuality that I forsook all reason under the weight of Disney-fueled, erotica-laced hopes for fulfillment in finding a companion.

Of this latter, I have apparently rewritten the narrative of "how that works" so many times and to such extremes under weight of such extreme dysfunction that I can't even discern what the truth is any longer, regarding my own actions and motivations and standards and habits. Except to note very distinctly that they have been wrong. Because--again--not one whit had been endeavored with any actual submission to God or acknowledgement of His actual will.

And I'm still so very confused, of this lattermost--there are so many Christian writings I've perused over the last few years where people have written to the effect that God doesn't directly lead when it comes to a spouse. As somehow, that's something which can't be discerned from Him. So, we just have to do something like "do our best, and hope for the best, and just try to follow Him" despite all the apparent uncertainty when it comes to "choosing a spouse."

That is absolutely mind-boggling. And ridiculous. Of all the things that He would neglect to lead explicitly, regarding?--I'm not sure why or how that which is most explicitly integral to representing Himself and Christ's relationship with His bride would be on "that list." Makes the opposite of sense.

Especially given context of remembering that He leads in paths of righteousness for His name's sake. And, again, explicit context of remembering that this particular relationship is the one ordained to foreshadow and archetype that of Christ and His beloved church. And, again, the becoming of one flesh...makes me pretty sure He'd been deeply involved, as a loving Father, in those with whom His beloved, blood-bought adoptive children align themselves unto such mysterious unity.

But...the whole thing of seeking Him, submitting to Him, trusting Him?: I mean, that's life. Setting Christ apart as Lord, in heart. Thus, Lord of all things which move us and matter to us: Lord of all things which we hope or desire or may ever thus do. Knowing Him is life. Period. He said it. And we're supposed to live in unity, just as a branch on a vine. That's pretty tight.

And walking with Him as thus--depending upon Him, for all things--we may trust He will indeed bring all things within us into subjection to Himself. From image to image we receive of insight into His nature and being and glorious goodness, then thus are we transformed from glory to glory into the beloved image of our blessed Redeemer and King. For even as we see Him, we will then be like Him, for so even as to see Him as He is. And some day, no longer as through a glass darkly, but face to face. Though we have loved Him, even Him whom we have not yet seen.

But He's the one that changes us. Seeking Him, we find Him. And are transformed. The ingrafted word? Dividing asunder. He has to do the things, is all--by His Spirit. But if we are walking according to the flesh, and not the Spirit, we are going to fulfill the desires of the flesh. It's been told us. It's only in walking by His Spirit, setting aside the deeds of the flesh, that we are led by Him. How can we discern spiritual things, then, if we are long accustomed only to heeding the flesh on matters of heart?

I am very deeply convicted on this point, lately. Having never realized the matter, before, that feelings nor attraction equate to godly direction, and heeding either apart from totally submitting to God is not only unwise but an apt means of going astray. Yet these things are compelling. I'd not realized until a week or so ago that I'd spent all my life prior accustomed to believing that romantic feelings or impulses--particular as and when mutual--indicate the right course or direction. This is a lie from the devil, himself. Yet even seeing this and knowing it's so, I know also that it's wholly beyond me to do anything other than seek the Lord's help in the matter. Because such things are utterly consuming, still. Utterly beyond me to resist. Has been, will be.

But Jesus changed my heart, constituting the moment of turning to Him and away from sin, and He has continued to do so ever since. And I trust He will continue to do so, now.

And I did not know the wretchedness and the loathsomeness of sin until the moment when His love became known to me. Cast into sharp contrast by the the light of His being, I saw myself as could only be reflected darkly per the blinding light of grace extended as His presence upon my cross. And seeing how horrific a penalty was meted upon the only one who could never warrant such a thing--for sake of His intent to extend mercy to me?...I loathed sin in that moment, also despairing of all which I was. Never before that moment had I known what it is to truly despair: of sin, of it's utter horror, it's complete--I don't even have words..: Just, to see that which is truly and wholly good and perfect and loving-- Utterly beautiful and desirable of all things which are glorious, above all things else-- Wholly pure-- wholly, wonderfully compassionate and wise and all-knowing?... ...sin is the abject opposite of all those things, and so much worse.

Horrified, in that moment. I was destroyed. Utterly devastated. Completely decimated, to see the wretchedness of my own ways and life and self, under light of love and truth, as to see what my own willfulness and self-indulgence wrought: seeing that His suffering was so to extend me mercy: In that moment, He who is most Beloved was reviled, stricken, and utterly abused so that I--the most wicked and defiled and defiling and craven and despicable of creatures--might receive mercy. By His compassionate self-sacrifice--His knowing and wholly aware self-sacrifice unto satisfying my debt---such an unwarranted and wholly incomprehensible travesty...He would extend--to me?--such unwavering love as mercy?

I was destroyed. Everything I was, was destroyed by the greatness of His love.

And, so, I loathed sin. And despair of it, still. Despairing to grieve the most Beloved and to ever grieve those whom He loves. Despairing to fall so short of Him. Oft due to distraction.

And this whole, grand corner of life which is considered romance is a vast mine field of distraction for me. For so, so many of us, though. Thus to be despaired of in the light of knowing His mercies and seeking His help. So, He's been teaching me, despite myself.

And the most recent, blatant realization is that attraction or developing feeling for someone neither one constitutes a reason for romantic relationship: These matters of heart or flesh don't constitute justification for acceptance/encouragement of a romantic pursuit, nor do they constitute justification for pursuing someone romantically. These things do not indicate God's will in a matter. Nor give justification for actions on any such matters. All of the which has sub-points which have been painfully extrapolated.

Being pursued by someone attractive doesn't constitute reason for a relationship. And I'm not limiting attraction to merely physical--many things are attractive to many people, to varying extents. Intelligence is a commonly touted point. Humor is often remarked. And so on, and so forth. Superficial details don't indicate compatibility, regardless of "feelings" of affinity for a person. Feelings are weird: They're fickle, and they can often obscure pertinent details per light of what would be preferred to be believed. But the thing is, we are feeling beings. But we're also sinful, so things aren't operating without impairment.

I used to manipulate, suppress, and manipulate my emotions unto "optimal" blankness...all of which is madness. Truly. Leads to some serious problems. Coming out of that, to a point of feeling without expecting to feel...has been very disconcerting. So much has seemed utterly overwhelming, so I had taken to the opposite extreme wherein I've been equating the mere experience of "feeling" to indicate significance of a godly sort. No. Feeling, itself, doesn't equate to direction.

Feelings in and of themselves need to be brought to the Lord--and how quickly I had forgotten that in initially walking with Him, it was a feeling of urgency and fear which often attempted to compel me toward particular actions and particular interpretations of Scripture which so often eventually served as indication, themselves, of propulsion unto error.

So emotions are to be brought unto the Lord seeking subjection to Christ, so to be renewed every bit as much as the mind. He reveals and clarifies our hearts motions, unto repentance and conformity to Christ.

So...I had still been very much living under the light of the world's wisdom regarding romance, blindly so until very recently. I had been attempting to cast a godly light on such matters by prayerfully desiring God's will be done along the course, rather than submitting wholly from the outset and asking Him to change my heart so that I would sincerely desire for Him to conform my desires to His will.

Because Christ comes first. Period.

Because even as much as being pursued by someone with whom there is attraction isn't indication of rightness or of God's will, then neither is pursuing someone, likewise. And this latter is still a particularly sore point: I have been very self-deceived on this particular, thinking myself free from the modern error of initiating pursuit as a female. That is not God's will.

Of which, there's the fact of the matter that sowing error in from the outset will surely reap erroneous results. Not that the Lord might not redeem and have mercy--He is so very merciful--but adding brokenness from the outset as the fundamental operating dynamic of a matter is not at all even remotely beneficial.

So thirdly, it doesn't really matter if there are either attraction, "feelings," or both, if there's not compatibility as regards the most fundamental and primary values and principles. Most specifically, as a foremost matter for myself--as this is the core desire of my heart, thus constitutes the foremost of all points when prayerfully seeking the Lord's guidance of whether to encourage pursuit--If I am living life as a disciple of Christ and trusting Him to guide and lead, moment by moment, then there's a fundamental incompatibility of morality and values when compared to someone with a five-year plan which hasn't come from God, Himself. Even if they do know Him. Or just claim to know Him. As even of anyone who is not actively seeking and trusting that the Lord will lead. While all the while knowing the need to work out salvation with fear and trembling and to hold fast to pattern of sound words. Even knowing that He who has called us is faithful and will continue the work in us until the day of Christ.

There are so many points of division, is the thing. But that's the foremost, of myself, and where I've faltered a few times already since walking with the Lord--thinking that merely meeting a professing Christian who seems to be pursuing me, then it must obviously be the Lord's will. All the while ignoring constant distractions from Christ. And ignoring encouragement unto things which, for me, are sin. Yeah, no. There's probably some leeway for doctrinal beliefs, but fundamentals which are utterly imperative to me...unless two be agreed, how can they travel together?

I am grateful the Lord has made me odd enough that I'm not equipped to easily fall into a relationship with just anyone who would pursue me--whether due to unthinkingly sabotaging things or simply not knowing or understanding how to rightly proceed. Because as many attempts as I've made, there's never been successful long-term interaction.

So, I'm trusting the Lord that if or when He does ever intend for me to actually marry, He'll line things out. Because I'm entirely incapable of proceeding wisely or with any reasonable idea of how to navigate the course.

Except...that I do now know that emotion isn't the gauge of all things, and I do now know that I would not dare attempt to align myself with or entertain pursuit from someone whose walk with Christ would be a stumbling block to me. These probably seem like pretty simple things, but...for me, they haven't been. And part of that has to do with being a woman, too--we do seem much more given to emotion, and especially the whole deal of romance. That whole "your desire will be for your husband"-proclamation? Yeah, I may have been trying to deny it for a long while, and may have been in a long habit (still am) of believing myself wholly unsuitable for and unsuited to and ill-equipped for and utterly unmarriageable...but I'm also coming to terms with Jesus being Lord of that area, too.

Which means trusting Him with all my brokenness and insufficiencies, all my ineptitude and inability. And trusting Him to guard and to guide me in these matters too, though they terrify me perhaps beyond all things else. If for no other reason than perhaps the depth of emotion and the certain vulnerabilities of intimacy.

I just don't really understand how these things work, still, is all. I'm wrestling them out, before the Lord, by His grace. My ability to discern how to interact with others has been impacted by sinful interactions in youth, and though I've been enlightened to some of the impact as become able to prayerfully walk more healthily...and "normally"...amongst others...I still don't know the depth or end of the dysfunction which remains.  But the Lord has been and is my sanctuary, in the midst of these terrors of life. And in the safety of His presence, I have been and am able to lay down my weapons, have bared my wounds, and seek He reveal the wickedness in me as He tends and heals me. And He has been healing me, is what is so unexpected. I truly didn't know He would. I didn't know healing was possible--and this, as someone who's been in and out of psychiatric and psychologic and social work offices for 20 years.

Thirty-some odd years of damage, none of which was healed by "modern medicine," yet Jesus has enacted so much healing, already. So, I shouldn't think of this as slow-going, to have already experienced any healing. But, there's the desire for completion and total deliverance, unto Him.
Such that any waiting seems long. But I trust Him. And He leads.

So I know He'll line all this mess out. And not just for the sake of preparing me for whatever sort of relationship He would have me enter, but for the sake of bringing Himself glory per being so utterly gracious to me. Me--even me, who so despised Him in so many ways, even by despising myself.

So, I'm very prayerfully considering these things openly here in the midst of seeking greater surrender to God's will as regards someone with whom I have recently been...impressed with, regarding relationship with the Lord and desire for knowledge of Him, even as unto sharing with others.

And I apologize that this post is at the outset full of so much reference to darkness and the workings of sin. I hope and pray that whatever resounds of those matters will lead to seeking Christ for deliverance, yourself. Because He's finally bringing me to the point where shame's grip is loosening enough that I can mention such things--without graphic detail so not to encourage sin--but as to acknowledge sin for what it is. And as to acknowledge that it's utterly horrific and wrong, all of it. And as to acknowledge that the penalty due as consequence is wholly just. While also acknowledging that Jesus Christ, Himself, willingly endured that penalty for me and for whoever else would turn to Him in surrender, seeking forgiveness and mercy. Because He who did not deserve wrath endured it, entering death. And He has overcome. Resurrected to reign, forever. And His offer of salvation remains extended to all who would seek Him, in spirit and truth and sincerity of repentance.

And He's actively still leading me to acknowledge and confront and repent of sin. Unto forgiveness, deliverance, healing. And He'll do the same for all who turn to Him in spirit and in truth.

For as long as we all shall live.

Which reminds me. I was listening to something the other day, can't remember what--some sermon or other, or maybe a snippet during the brief instance of perusing the local Christian radio broadcast...random mention of marital vows, as never before overheard. Apparently, the marital vow is not, "I do," as such indicates an immediacy to the vow particularly inherent that specific moment, but the vow is "I will," as indicates intended ongoing commitment to enduring within the covenantal relationship being entered...such as constitutes the nature of God-given marital covenants: Not a solitary instance of openly acknowledged commitment, but an openly acknowledged commitment to ever endure.

I still maintain that I've erred too much, but I keep being reminded that His grace is greater than all my sin. And that His grace is sufficient. God is the far greater prize, and He's given Himself to redeem me. So self-berating and the like has to end. Not in exchange for self-exaltation, but in exchange for living in the light of loving Christ and being grateful for what He's done and is doing.

So many things. He is good. And however goes or whatever comes, Jesus is enough. Far more than.

Apologetics, aka Giving Reason for the Hope that is in You.

Why do you believe what you believe? Are you able to clearly explain the reasons for the hope that is in you? Are you able to enunciate that hope, itself?

The Lord has helped me to be better equipped to do so through study of His Word, time spent in fellowship with Him, time spent in fellowship with other believers, and through the work and ministry of those whom He has equipped to speak on these matters particularly well and clearly: teachers and evangelists. So grateful for this man's ministry, and for the ministry of others likewise whom the Lord has equipped to speak clearly on the wonder of grace and the marvel of God's word, works, and wisdom.

Every time, though, there's prayer. Every conversation there's longing to speak openly yet held in tension with the weight of fear of knowing the possibility of reviling and rejection. And every time He gives grace to submit to Him and ignore the fear, there's gratitude. All the while as He helps to speak well and clearly.

Because without the Lord's active work in directing speech, my own logic is flawed and faltering, constantly. And when He lets me only rely on my own strength, then words are weak and messages mixed.

Prayer is the largest part of this all. Even as is seeking to know Him better, seeking to understand more clearly who and how He is. Seeking to dwell on His word daily, praise Him continually.

If only sin weren't a part of the mix, requiring ongoing repentance and cries for mercy. Despising to do that which is grievous, yet again and again faltering. I trust Him, though. And will trust Him to help me, to deliver me, to give strength and further deliverance.

All the while seeking to know Him better and walk more closely with Him. Jesus is everything. My Savior, and my God. Friend and Master. The only wise God.

So I trust Him. Even seeing greater depths of my own depravity and insufficiency, but all the more to see greater need of Him while turning all the more to rely on Him for every need.

And in the midst of all that, longing for others to also turn more completely toward Him and surrender to Him wholeheartedly. I haven't the wisdom or the strength to plead with them cogently, except that He gives grace to do so. And I haven't the insight of knowledge or understanding to address heartfelt contentions, except that He likewise gives grace and wisdom so to do.

And through lectures like the ones above linked, He's calmed my heart and prepared me for many conversations. All while still the need to depend on Him in the midst of those conversations is prevalent, then still He does use His word and wisdom to direct.

He uses us wherever He places us. And calls us to be prepared for whatever He would have us put our hand to, as laborers in the field.

And this is a joy, too, though--to plead on His behalf, with those who yet refuse Him. This is an honor, even met by reviling.

Present Thoughts on Justice vs. Fairness

Been prayerfully considering the unfairness of Jesus’s crucifixion, especially in regard to God’s ability to hold in perfect tension perfect justice and perfect mercy per that Crux in historical events. Because it is wholly unfair that the most perfect, blameless, loving, kind, wise, and only good man to ever walk the earth should have endured our rejection, persecution, reviling, and torture unto death. Let alone that He would bear the consequences due US all per such a course.

Going further back, though, perhaps illumination begins to arise in remembering that the unfairness did not initiate at His public trial unto execution. Unfairness unto Him began at His being humbled as to come in the flesh. That God would set aside anything of His glory and majesty for any span, humbling Himself, as to walk alongside us...there’s nothing small of unfairness of stance in His having taken the form of a servant. And also in His long-suffering toward us all, still, of and in mercy. He opted to do things which were very unfair to Him.

Fairness and justice aren’t necessarily equatable terms, it has begun to seem.

I heard someone discuss fairness in terms of equality, once, where it regards the demands of children to receive entirely equal treatment from parents. But there’s a big difference between allowing a 16 year old to use a vehicle and permitting same of a 12 year old. Standards of maturity and aptitude prevail when making such distinctions—some of which exist as standards of law, yes.

But the 12 year old could still as easily call it unfair, as a perceived unfairness in treatment that is “ageist.” Doesn’t mean it’s unjust, though. Doesn’t mean there ought to be amendments to law to approach greater “fairness.” But rather such instances evidence the standard of justice doesn’t rest in wholly equal treatment of all parties concerned. Justice to varied extents considers aptitude and comprehension, intent and ability—again, justice is not merely concerned with sameness of apparent treatment of parties. Justice doesn’t necessarily entail equal division of culpability or consequence. But justice appropriates matters rightly, with consideration of all involved factors. We wouldn’t have use for judges of the law, if consideration of events, intent, and ability were exempt from legal considerations.

So why then wouldn’t it be just (though admittedly unfair) for an aggrieved party to opt to endure consequences due the guilty party, so to enact a caveat that those who choose reconciliation would be granted pardon per having their offenses reckoned amongst an infinite debt satisfied per a likewise infinitely valuable propitiation. Seeking reconciliation rather than punishment of the offender. With all who would humble themselves to reckon with their culpability and the actual cost of satisfying the consequences. All who are remorseful and repentant. The Judge has mercy.

God Himself is the aggrieved party. If He has chosen to endure unfairness while enacting justice, as the aggrieved party and the only just judge, He has prevailing prerogative. And He provisioned means for mercy, at His own expense. Willingly enduring. Satisfying our debt, Himself. Jesus endured, for the sake of the joy set before Him.

He alone truly knows justice. We usually opt for seeking perceived fairness, instead. And there has been recent shift toward seeking public acclaim by vociferously decrying perceived unfairness toward any-other-party-than-self. Unless one’s own perceived rights are seen as having been infringed so often as that ongoing victimhood then is also perceived as a justification for being offended. So the idea of someone willingly surrendering their rights for the sake of another and enduring suffering for the sake of another...is that much more incomprehensible and offensive. All the more does it fly in the face of modern ideals of self-righteousness and public crusades for individual equality (without regard to standards of right or wrong, only of perceived entitlements to “fairness”).

This especially is a point of convolution when it comes to the idea of self-righteous crusades for one’s own (or others’ own) “rights.” Because if God, Himself, has humbled Himself for the sake of others rather that seeking His own esteem while walking amongst us, He has entirely put all rebel powers to shame by making apparent that we are wholly unjustified in seeking to exalt our own or others rights as being entitlements. The only one who truly IS entitled to seek His rights amongst us all did not do so, this we are truly relieved of any right to do so apart from submission to His pre-eminent will and sovereign provisions to us all.

Which again flies utterly in the face of modern (not new) ideology. It isn’t just to seek individual rights apart from submission to God. It is not fair to insist upon personal preference, in context of all reality, either.