Battling things from within, this past round. The Lord has kept me. Mercifully.
So many temptations.
Food has been the big one. Tentatively, hoping and praying that the Lord truly has granted me repentance, on that count. Even as it means completely restricting diet, in ways, so as to "flee temptation." Still, rather that...being so weak-willed...than allow that sort of idolatry to continue to derail pursuit of the Lord. And desire for deeper relationship with Him. Greater depths of subjugation of self, into humility, so as to serve more readily and with less hindrance to obedience. Increasingly less hindrance, moreover.
Don't presently recall which of the recent preachers mentioned this, as analogy, but...it's so apt.
Fellow talked about the danger of sin. How it's like having a hole in a bucket containing oil. That...it won't necessarily happen overnight, but...so long as that hole's there, the oil will drain out. Maybe so slowly it's nearly indiscernable. But the oil will drain, until the bucket is empty.
The oil, in this case, being representative of a person's desire for God.
Either it was Zac Poonen or Carter Conlon. One of those two brothers.
But, yeah. It's been like that, with food.
Just as a self-indulgence. Increasingly rationalizing that "it's not a big deal," to indulge my flesh just a little bit, with foods that are more tasty than nutritious (think...ramen noodles, popcorn, potato chips, bread--oh, so much bread--and any sort of dessert). Problem was, after a bout of fasting (which continually has been absolutely necessary to seeking the Lord more ardently...and for recovering my awareness of and desire for Him, while all this food indulgence has gone on outside of fasting)...after a bout of fasting, I'd start eating small portions of foods which were more of an indulgence than they were true sustenance. Starting with, say, sandwiches (and bread is seriously a major indulgence--it makes me feel kind of drugged, really, so deep is the effect which it has on my system, as if some sort of depressant), then potato chips with the sandwich. Then within a week, I'd have rationalized getting a burger/pizza/etc. at some fast food place. Then within another week, a burger/pizza/etc., plus fries/breaded-whatever. Then within another week, all of that, plus a milkshake or pie, or whatever else.
So, one right after the other. Snowballing, until it's just a matter of making plans around what sort of meal might result.
Constant indulgence, in other words.
Living to eat. Rather than living wholly for Christ.
My belly is not my God, so it's not acceptable. And I don't care what sort of heckling I get for it, this time around, I'm going to rely on Christ to strengthen me to refrain from giving in to the peer pressure to eat just whatever, because it's convenient and less "fussy" and "respectful," or whatever else.
If everyone else in the world can eat anything they want, in moderation or however, and still have the absolute most close walk with God, growing ever greater in sanctification unto His likeness...then, seriously--I am happy for them. But I can't.
And trying to live that way, because of external and internal pressures to do so, as to conform to the will of the world and the will of my flesh...?
Yeah, no.
The Lord forgave me and delivered me from porn, fornication, lustful thoughts, and all the many other physical things thereabouts and thereby. And He has forgiven me and will again deliver me from this lust of the flesh, desiring gratification in whatsoever food it desires, at all hours and quantities.
Even with as wretched as I've been, allowing doubt about "starvation" and "malnutrition" to creep up, as fears which have colored my openness to the Lord's direction, in this sector of life.
Hunger in the flesh isn't the end of the world, is the thing. What very few times, in the past, I'd "gone hungry" were by my own fault, entirely--spending all your money on alcohol, cigarettes, rent, and car expenses, to the exclusion of considering food...as a prioritized listing of finances...is not representative of good financial management, by any stretch of the imagination (unless you're an alcoholic {or, as it was then commonly touted amongst all: "I'm not an alcoholic, I'm from New Orleans"} who's addicted to nicotine--in which case, it's the only logical order of financial priority). But, yeah. Even then, I didn't starve. I worked food-service, even in the bar I (unofficially) helped manage. There were always abandoned left-overs, plus a shift meal.
But that was always about indulgence of the flesh, too.
And first thing, last year, when the Lord regenerated me...I started "doing the paleo diet," having for years wondered if it would live up to claims for reduced joint inflammation, increased clarity of thought, decreased fatigue, and overall increased joie de vivre. I started that "diet" without a second thought, though somewhat marveling at the fact that I was actually able to stay on it, per "my own will," given that years and years of attempted diets had always prior failed the instant they were begun (within a week). (Excepting the time in high school, which wasn't a diet but a blatant devastation of my body, even resulting in weight loss--90 pounds within...6...8?...months?...so, yeah. Big, bad. No.)
But there wasn't that same sense of self-indulgence while doing the paleo eating. I did feel more energetic. I did seem to have less pain (may have had something to do with being outside, too, though). But, mostly...there wasn't a constant sense of egregious self-indulgence.
And it was no problem to keep up, despite years of previous failure in all such attempts (always previously completely unable to refrain from any self-indulgence which seemed "reasonable"). Until moving back to VA/WV. And being constantly tempted. Not just by being around foods. But by being told how tasty they were, repeatedly asked where I was sure I didn't want any. With all the "Mmm, this is so good! Oh, wow!" and all such as would generally be depicted to accompany that sort of sentiment, regarding food indulgence, in the last bits of tv commercials viewed as advertising foods for self indulgence.
With all the madness of the latter portion of last year, and given my then-unquestioning assumption that the ones tempting me so boldly were my spiritual superiors...I ended up caving in, rather than praying about it. Rationalizing it as temporary.
One day turned into two, then a week, then a month. Fasting became required, as to maintain focus on the Lord, even apart from fasting as to seek Him in regard to circumstances and intercession. And now, it's been...eight months, perhaps? Nine?
And I've still been struggling. Against the idea of restricting my diet, again. Because it's so much more pleasurable to eat whatever I want. Only, that never pans out as being in any way manageable.
So, for the sake of continuing to grow in the Lord, that has to go.
Again.
And I regret ever going back into that place of allowing my flesh to make an idol of food, unto self-idolatry per such self-indulgence.
But it's been a learning lesson.
Now confessed, even as those things which have been brought to my attention by the Holy Spirit have been confessed when repentance has come forth.
Knowing, still, it's not my strength that will make this go. As abhorrent as the idea of continuing in such a way now is...still, I don't trust myself. But I trust Christ. He will carry me through this.
Same as with other sins.
Which there wouldn't have even been awareness of, except that He convicted me of them, too. And brought me to a point where those, also, were reprehensible. Unbearable, even.
So, I'm not perfect. He is. I'm not.
While being under conviction for this, though, in the midst of praying through it and obtaining counsel...focus has been restrained. Weakened, by known sin.
Maybe to write of something else, tomorrow, if the Lord wills.
But this has needed to be confessed, first.
And I'm just sincerely praying that He gives grace to keep me through whatsoever difficulty of temptation arises in the days to come.
All that comes to mind is...His grace is sufficient.
