Return to the Valley?

To my knowledge, no one I know personally comes here. I've told people about it at times, but there's been no regard. And I've counted that as of the Lord.

Things are so especially odd right now. For everyone, right?

I'm reminded so much, at times, of the experience of being in New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina--society in a state of suspension. So few people around. Normal daily life completely out of the question--border checks, to enter the Parish. Military patrols. Curfews. And general unease.

So surreal.

But then I didn't know the Lord. I didn't follow Him.

I remember one day, shortly after returning to New Orleans (Oct 1)...walking down the street, talking with my sister, and it was going through my mind, "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times..," and having an actual appreciation for that seemingly contradictory statement. The camaraderie and sense of communal support was so present. We were soldiers-in-arms, in the trenches together--battling toward some sense of normalcy, against the reality of having our lives and everything we'd taken for granted as being normal shattered completely.

But it wasn't actually a war. There was a sense of battle. But it was internal. Our circumstances were desolate, different from what we were accustomed. But we weren't battling some external force which was our equal as humans. We were battling our own fears and the experience of abject uncertainty of a touchpoint for security in life.

We banded together without respect for person, for a brief while. Or, at least, that's the way I saw it. As someone who was living in abject defiance of God's pre-eminence and sovereignty.

I didn't recognize that human banding as a further stance against God--a statement that we would find our solace and security and provision in ourselves, against any odds. To overcome any adversity in our own strength and through social cohesion.

To regain normalcy. Fighting against our own internal turmoil to re-establish what we deemed desirable in the world. With no regard for truth or justice or righteousness.

I've fallen so direly this last year's worth of time. One small step at a time, rationalizing myself capable of standing firm, independent in my own strength and prayers, apart from being open with others.

Really, though, that wasn't the problem. The core of the problem was that I rationalized setting aside acknowledging God in all my ways, under weight of the concern for acceptance. And from the outset of having begun that course, each further rationalization was a step further away from seeking God's approval--instead, increasingly seeking man's approval. And I had at the outset had an idea of being an agent of God's mercies being extended--that I could share the love of Christ by being selfless, even unto death if necessary. But...that was corrupted, having lost primary focus on Christ.

The Lord let me see my own wretchedness. Apart from His deliverance, I would have gone so far. I know this. To have erred at all is so grievous and blatant an example of the reality of my lack of righteousness, apart from Christ. Wanting approval and acceptance, at any cost.

It's what it is, now. I know far better that I have no room, in my own space, to condemn others or view them as lesser or other than me. I'm all the worse than others for knowing Christ and yet faltering. Thankfully, He convicted me increasingly. Unrest. Absolute unrest. And so many things which passed.

Ultimately, drawing back, confessing to brothers and sisters who know Christ and love to honor Him. And they directed me, oh so lovingly, to Scripture and to the Lord. And God did work repentance in me. So many griefs. Such unwarranted mercy. I don't deserve forgiveness.

He is faithful and just to forgive.

The blood of Christ is enough. How horrible though, to know what my sins wrought of His suffering every ignoble rejection and pain.

I've grieved Him. And yet He loves me. This...is devastating.

I don't think it signifies, to directly discuss the exact nature. Just that it was against the Lord, as all sins.

The other matters of late...I'm seeking His guidance in. I have no idea whether it's truly viable, to have met someone who has thoughts toward possibly getting to know me to pursue God's will whether we should marry. I've been open with him, a bit moreso than here, about my faltering and the process of repentance which God has worked in me. And I've been increasingly open with him about so many of my concerns and struggles. But especially of the need to be continually, consistently directed to Christ. Period.

I don't know what's going to come. I know that I've been very surprised by who he is. And that I've come to care deeply for him in even a brief time. But, I don't know what the Lord's will is.

One consideration is that there's need to directly discuss with the people of my previous place of fellowship the many concerns which had been a part of experience there.

[And I have been chastened by the Lord of the need to extend grace and mercy, even as I have received these. There is none perfect, apart from Christ. And we must forebear in love. I don't know entirely the way forward, but I know now with some degree of clarity that I'm not innocent in the matter...and a lot of it has to do with stumbling forward, each to each. Edit: 4/12]

From what I read, the preaching and teaching are given to build up the body of Christ, so that they are fitted and empowered for ministry. As we're all called to ministry.

[Further edits]

Paul was utterly despised and rejected. He pleaded with folks, but with great love. Not mockery and condescension. [Edited \ self-pity::bitterness]


[Edit: 4/12. As] the Lord wills it, I will [go-\]. I will face death[, but my own--taking up my cross...being humbled as is necessary.] And all that I know is that I will have to completely and continually surrender to God in the midst of this all, to have any chance of enduring. [And because of the wretchedness of my sin and the depths of my idolatry, it turns out--not because of others, but because of my own sin.]

I know, along all the while, my sin has definitely contorted my perceptions. [...]

[N]othing ever can be [enough], as reciprocal action for the salvation found in Christ. Trying to reciprocate is like attempting to use a thimble to drain the Pacific Ocean. Impossible. Utterly impossible. And ultimately defeating. Wholly soul-crushing. Because nothing will ever amount to a single effect worthy of that gift which was given. So responding to salvation in Christ with any effort out of a sense of obligation...is self-centered, man-driven, blasphemous. He exalts those who humble themselves, rather. And His strength in us is perfected in the abject knowledge and experience of our weakness.

[...] Everything which comes -of us and our strength- is trash, regardless, except that God would have mercy and restrain the consequences wrought by our self-righteous attempts to please Him and justify ourselves in our own eyes and the eyes of others through "good works" considered prescribed by Scripture. No, obedience is of the heart or not at all. Compulsive obligation which doesn't arise out of desire to just be His and be led of Him...is sourced elsewhere. (Fence laws.)

Obeying the Ten Commandments isn't about external obedience. As external obedience doesn't cause the heart to conform. Only God at work in us makes any sort of obedience possible. Period. Nothing good lives in us. If Paul said that of himself, how much more is it true of us?

So then how would we go about justifying ourselves through works as a response to salvation? There may be the desire to honor Him--but He works these things out in us and through us, or we're just spinning our wheels in place or, worse, digging pits which we walk into. Deeper and deeper. Further and further from His light and life.

I pleaded with [others.] Pleaded the love of God in Christ. Pleaded the freedom in Christ, from anxiety and from the law. That He works in us salvation and sanctification. And we can't justify ourselves, on any front. But there [is much]sorrow and despair, [and other matters]. [I found myself continually] seeing self, only, and either justifying self according to the works perceived as accomplished, or seeing one's unworthiness are forefront...[and that, I don't understand...but it is idolatry, my own sin. ]

But then...so what, if [all this] does destroy me? I am nothing, except the Lord's. If He would [that be so], what is it to me? I'm on standby for His directions at any instance, anyway. And so what, to love and lose in this life? There is the excruciating devastation of loss. But You are my sustenance, Jesus. And I don't understand what all this is.

I can't deliver. I can't stand firm in my own strength. I can't even speak boldly of Your truths, unless You give me strength and desire to do so. But I will go, where You lead.

Lord, I trust You.

Humble Beginnings

There's wisdom in discretion. Even as we aren't to cast our pearls before swine, as would trample them and turn and rend us. That's been hard bought, to learn the reality.

These past many months have wrought some really painful, hard lessons. Humiliating realizations about my own insufficiencies. And yet even more devastating recognition of the greatness of grace. 

There truly is no pit, as Corrie's sister said, so deep that His love isn't deeper still (terrible paraphrase, I'm sure). And I know she wasn't referring to the depravity of man, explicitly, so much as the depths of suffering and trial and destitution and pain. But aren't these effectually consequences of sin, ultimately, though used by God to refine our faith and sanctify us?--brokenness in this world and suffering are the curses of sin.  

His love is consuming, though. I am so grateful. 

Lord willing, I am now at liberty to return to writing here. Much abased, though still too proud. But trusting Him more completely.

And in the midst of international terror, even. Would we have ever thought such a thing?
Death is real.

All the more to seek Christ.