When All Seems Pain

Things feel particularly chaotic right now. For various reasons, some of which I'm aware.

I'm presently injured. Not desperately or irretrievably or even for an extended term. No. Mercifully not.

But pain still has a way of doing the same as all else--either inciting one to press into the Lord or dive into sin...either of which in a seemingly direct proportion to the level of pain. Trauma incites this course within us.

I've lived it and seen it, again and again. And I'm not sure but that whispers of it aren't also evident throughout Scripture...

...the Israelistes hungering and thirsting (presumably so?) in the wilderness, rather than casting themselves on God they cast themselves against Him by complaining. Instead of turning to the One who provides, they turned to self-pity and castigated God's role in their perceived predicament.

...Job enduring losses and losses and suffering beyond measure--even that godly man whom the Lord, Himself, looked upon favorably questioned God's wisdom in the midst of abject suffering and perplexity. Rather than continuing along the course he began when saying "the Lord gave and the Lord has taken away, blessed by the name of the Lord."

It's very human. To turn to sin--to turn to self and against God--in the midst of pressing circumstances. Or even in the midst of ones which are pleasant, which is a different sort of strain on our affections.

Either way, it's of our fallen nature to exalt self and pander to self rather than pressing in to submitting to God's will, trusting His provisions, and crying out to Him all the course of life for deliverance and strength.

Yet He chooses us in the fires of our afflictions.

And refines us, our faith, as silver is refined.

In dire circumstances, it often seems, we're broken apart at the seams. We're reduced to our utmost nature, more clearly. And we end up seeing the wretchedness which remains. If we know Him and cherish the Lord, we see that for what it is. If we don't, we delve more deeply into that darkness most oft. And become all the more accustomed and desirous of it, as perceived shelter and refuge as self defining.

I've been so moody in these pains--emotional, spiritual, and now physical pains. Familial longings which are not to be met, or at least not with any immediacy...yield again to a deeper grief of separation, knowing more keenly the depth of that divide between us. Socially, as well, with ones who have been beloved along the course of life--I cannot heal, I cannot save, I cannot provide that which is most needful. I can only direct to Him, and love by what means He gives. Chastely.

Yet, the grief, still. Anguish of knowing that divide unbreached by faith in the only Healer who never fails.

And there's love, in the midst. So impossible. All the more to grieve. I cannot breach the divide.

I cannot place the hands of those whom I love in the hand of my Deliverer, my most deeply Beloved--He who shed His blood for them, as well as me, that they too could receive forgiveness and be reconciled with their Maker.

So my heart's been heavy with the burden (so I've been told it is) of loving particularly some who absolutely refuse Him and desiring above all that they would come to Christ, because I know too the peril they remain in if they don't. Solace is found in knowing Jesus is far more concerned than I am, far more invested in their salvation than I am. And He drew me out of circumstances as bad as and some worse than those presently considered.

This pain, too, though: The anguish of loving people who remain at odds with me by remaining at odds with Christ...

...it also is one which can result in turning from Him, or in having dross skimmed.

The pain is wearying, even turning to Him continually. Trusting Him, weeping. Pleading again and again.

I have to give it to Him, constantly. The grief, the pain, the concern. I can't carry it myself, alone.

Yet even then, there's the temptation to despair wholly. There's temptation to seek distraction. Even to seek distraction in community and engagements which would not honor God. For the sake of fleeing the pain, seeking panacea apart from God's own love.

Though that would be unto bitterness, as turning away from God in the midst of grief. It would not heal, but further harm me.

Like as with this arm injury. If I sought to run from the pain too much, obscure it by false means...I could complicate the healing process by obscuring the given sign that something's wrong. Rather than heeding the pain, wading through it and enduring by God's grace...

I could mask it and incur further injury.

Or in the midst of it, as I've battled out (and failed so many times) against self-pity and discouragement...I could despair. And that despair could turn me to my own devices, bitter against the Lord.

In the wake of griefs and pains and injustices (my injury was incurred as part of medical procedures, thus huge temptation to bemoan injustice, unfairness, etc)...there is such a temptation to justify self, apart from God. Which is turning against Him.

We have no justification apart from Christ.

We just don't. We're all standing in position of having erred against God, and He's perfect and holy and our life-giver and sustainer. We're completely botched everything, ever having been inclined to just think ourselves independent and act as such.

We have too low a view of Him to realize how utterly horrific that actually is. Otherwise, we would realize that we truly deserve eternal damnation, eternal death, eternal suffering. Because we--created, finite beings...fickle in all our affections and actions--ever dared assert ourselves against as though equal to the infinite, holy, unassailably good and wise Creator who ordained our existence and maintains our being.

We are exceedingly ignorant.

And in our pain, we often use pain to justify further defiance. It's not justifiable on any count.

Ever.

But in Christ, we can find mercy. If we just turn to Him, deal with the reality of His pre-eminence and sovereignty, deal with the reality of our sins' deserved punishment and how atrocious it truly is...and ask Him sincerely for forgiveness and submit, desiring He would lead us in the right way. And He will.

He doesn't turn away anyone who submits to Him as God, dealing with reality sincerely.

And then the process will continue. Pressures, pains, evidence of wretchedness, turning to Him for mercy, and being forgiven.

I just can't do the things, myself. I can't be long-suffering as He is. I am too prone to complaint, to despair, to self-pity, to diversion.

And I want love and compassion, rather than to endure suffering. Which...He lavishes love and shows compassion on me in so many ways, in the midst of suffering. I've been overcome in the past week, recognizing some of His provisions to me in the midst of this present increased trial.

Just, in the midst of it all, I am dealing again with the desire for a husband, for a family. Dealing again with what it is to long for that sort of companionship, present. But I'm not able to manifest it, rightly. And I can't just align myself with someone--no matter how fascinating, no matter how I may adore them, no matter if I love them...apart from God's guidance.

And especially when there are glaring deviations from what it is to serve Christ. Because I cannot in good conscience considering aligning myself covenantally with someone whom I am sure is not in position to lead me, spiritually...which, foremost, requires they are following Christ, themself.
And if evidence establishes that as not being the case, then there's no ability to consider otherwise.

I'm not my own, to give. I belong to Christ, who bought me with His blood. My life is His. The life I live is His. And that were true even if it weren't the case that I, by all rights of nature and humanity, should be deceased physically so many times over--from the fall from a balcony and numerous suicide attempts and total recklessness and danger again and again, over the years of my defiance.

Lord, I am broken. I can't do the things set in front of me, Father.
I can't love, rightly and purely and without qualms or complaint.
I can't bear through, Father, without continuing to crumble.
I can't do this.
But I trust You. You have guarded me.
You have preserved me, despite my efforts otherwise at times.
You have many times given me strength and wisdom when I was incapacitated and blind.
And even lately, You have provided for my needs in ways which I never could have anticipated or so aptly planned for had I even known the need to try.
I know You are with me. Your peace is all which keeps me from despairing utterly.
Your lovingkindness and mercies evidenced in so many little ways all the day are what give me the joy to have strength to continue.
Lord I love You, and I am sorry for being so faithless and so fickle and so inconstant and easily distracted from You--the only One who is able to keep me and who loves me beyond measure.
Please help me to turn to You continually in this all.
When I don't understand and when I think I do, Lord let my praise still be only of You.
Help me love those You've set me near, in ways which are upright and which direct to You.
Help me Father, to do Your will. To walk in a manner worthy of You.
Lord I trust You. I can't do this. Give me strength, guide my steps, guard me, give me speech Lord.
Help me. I love You.

Thank You, Lord.

Storming the Gates

Matthew 16:15-19
He saith unto them, But whom say ye that I am? And Simon Peter answered and said, Thou art the Christ, the Son of the living God. And Jesus answered and said unto him, Blessed art thou, Simon Barjona: for flesh and blood hath not revealed it unto thee, but my Father which is in heaven. And I say also unto thee, That thou art Peter, and upon this rock I will build my church; and the gates of hell shall not prevail against it. And I will give unto thee the keys of the kingdom of heaven: and whatsoever thou shalt bind on earth shall be bound in heaven: and whatsoever thou shalt loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven.

Matthew 7:24
Therefore everyone who hears these words of Mine and acts on them is like a wise man who built his house on the rock.

Matthew 4:23
Jesus went throughout Galilee, teaching in their synagogues, preaching the gospel of the kingdom, and healing every disease and sickness among the people.

Luke 4:14-15
And Jesus returned in the power of the Spirit into Galilee: and there went out a fame of him through all the region round about. And he taught in their synagogues, being glorified of all.

Matthew 9:35-36
And Jesus went about all the cities and villages, teaching in their synagogues, and preaching the gospel of the kingdom, and healing every sickness and every disease among the people.

But when he saw the multitudes, he was moved with compassion on them, because they fainted, and were scattered abroad, as sheep having no shepherd. Then saith he unto his disciples, The harvest truly is plenteous, but the labourers are few; Pray ye therefore the Lord of the harvest, that he will send forth labourers into his harvest.

Acts 20:28
Keep watch over yourselves and the entire flock of which the Holy Spirit has made you overseers. Be shepherds of the church of God, which He purchased with His own blood.

Ephesians 2:8-22
For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: Not of works, lest any man should boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them.

Wherefore remember, that ye being in time past Gentiles in the flesh, who are called Uncircumcision by that which is called the Circumcision in the flesh made by hands; That at that time ye were without Christ, being aliens from the commonwealth of Israel, and strangers from the covenants of promise, having no hope, and without God in the world: But now in Christ Jesus ye who sometimes were far off are made nigh by the blood of Christ. For he is our peace, who hath made both one, and hath broken down the middle wall of partition between us; Having abolished in his flesh the enmity, even the law of commandments contained in ordinances; for to make in himself of twain one new man, so making peace; And that he might reconcile both unto God in one body by the cross, having slain the enmity thereby: And came and preached peace to you which were afar off, and to them that were nigh. For through him we both have access by one Spirit unto the Father.

Now therefore ye are no more strangers and foreigners, but fellowcitizens with the saints, and of the household of God; And are built upon the foundation of the apostles and prophets, Jesus Christ himself being the chief corner stone; In whom all the building fitly framed together groweth unto an holy temple in the Lord: In whom ye also are builded together for an habitation of God through the Spirit.

...

I can't remember which teacher or preacher or philosopher or apologeticist or howsoever else, of the man's mettle, discussed a prior-unconsidered, yet wholly basic implication around hell's gates not prevailing...in such way as completely altered my understanding of the concept.

I had been always considering the idea as our positions in Christ being predominantly defensive, in the midst of the world. But that is not the case.

Nor is it, I believe, the case that we're supposed to strategize ways to "take strongholds," as goes (what I consider to be) a heretical modern movement's stance. We don't set up nights and plan it out. We don't stake out territory. We submit ourselves to God and do as He leads. Abiding. Led of the Spirit. Not directing the course, ourselves, according to our limited, fallible intellects and understanding.

But led into battle. For love of the Lord, for love of others. Continually being reminded of His lovingkindness and mercies toward us each, loving Him all the more...then, we do dare tread where He leads--though it be into the furnace.

This isn't a course of self-exaltation, following Christ. But of increasing humiliation and deference.

Continually being confronted all the more blatantly with our own impotence and insufficiency, in the face of impossible odds. Trusting Him to guide and guard and redeem, where we tread. Even redeeming our own failures, as we're led to repent in the wake of them--grief-stricken, though knowing He will have mercy.

All the while, storming the gates of hell, nonetheless. Boldly, in Christ. Yet not arrogantly--for knowing no power rests in oneself, but only in Christ. Also knowing He knows exactly what needs to happen to effect His desired end--whether we are crushed over the course of the process or delivered from death and reviling many times. Either way, knowing He will be glorified in and through us, we may find solace there, find contentment and resolve in reflecting upon His sovereignty.

Submitting increasingly to His leading, if ever imperfectly. Being all the more devastated of one's own wickedness and flaws, but always in the glorious light of becoming more aware of God's redemptive mercies and grace being that much more consuming that could have been conceived. Humility unto gratitude. Casting oneself then upon Him in mercy with ardent relief and abject thankfulness. Gratefully submitting all the more wholeheartedly, having been all the more deeply stricken with realization of the magnitude of His forgiveness and provisions:

He can be trusted to guide, to guard, to direct, to correct, and to provide whatever is needful. To thus increasingly be aware of and deeply convinced of the reality of who and how our God is...is a blessing beyond measure: By grace of His Word, His Spirit, the testimony of Christ's work in us and through us as we are led by Him, intimately.

We are not self-exalted, then. But increasingly abased, in favor of flinging all cares and concerns upon the One who is more Beloved than any else could ever dare to be. For sake of knowing Him, loving Him, and desiring His fellowship and to honor Him and serve Him uprightly...and to serve those whom He loves--all the world, for whom He died. This, while knowing that those who reject Him choose condemnation. While still, the Word says Christ did come because God so love the world, died for the sins of the world...

...though it also says not all come to Him, accepting these terms. Many reject His mercy.

But infinity is not marred nor displaced by rejection, by any count. All is all--never any the less, nor any the more. Whether apportioned or not, as to each which refuses, refusal of such an extended offer is not aggregated toward some greater whole than had already consisted.

Regardless, though, of that...

...this idea again, of storming the gates of hell. As He leads...

One of the demonic threats I'd received a few years ago centered around the idea of their dogged refusal to be cowed and that they would not be exhausted, but would use every bit of even my own intellect against me to foil whatever good might be pursued, effected [this is significantly paraphrased, detailing a primary facet of the threat]--such that there would be nothing I could do without it being known and countered, upon my very inclination (and ultimately also with the threat to my well-being and life, constituent).

But the thing is, if we walk by the Spirit and submit to God (reverse the order, there, though both sequences are applicable)...He guides in ways which we aren't even aware of occurring. This is evident. We don't know tomorrow. He does. And as it's His Spirit which guides those who are His, then He guides in such a way that we "walk in the good deeds prepared for us," basically.

So, as far as attempts to counter what the Lord intends...?

...the only one who knows the finer points of how He will do things is God, Himself. That's not really open to being countermanded. He's above all.

To consider, as even prophecy goes, He reveals matters in such a way that He has said that once the prophecy is fulfilled, then we will know that it was Him who did it. Meaning, while it's even going on we won't comprehend that it is in effect a fulfillment of what had been revealed by Him in ages past. Not until after it's done. Then, it'll be obvious. Afterwards. Not before. Not during.

This is evidenced throughout Scripture. Starting, at the very latest, with the protoevangelium in Genesis 3.

Regarding which--I don't know about you all, but I didn't even recognize that passage as a foretelling of the Gospel of Christ until years after having known Him. But now that I do recognize it as such, it's just so utterly simple--absolutely clear, in terms of what did happen when Christ came. And of how things are, now that He has overcome the world.

Likewise, of so many other prophecies. All the prophecies given to Moses regarding the fate of the nation of Israel?--blessings and curses, particularly. They're pretty straightforward, in many ways--and still playing out in the world, as we defy God in so many different ways. And these have been fulfilled as even more explicitly literal than the protoevangelium might be seem to be.

But there are even more (quantitatively speaking) literal (vs metaphorical--though also many metaphorical) revelations regarding Christ Jesus. Things about His birthplace. About being called "out of Egypt," and so many other things. Some of which the Gospels note were recognized as describing the experience and life of the coming Messiah, but still...apart from perhaps the wise men (who weren't even Jewish, from the sounds of it)...many folks didn't recognize the fulfillment of prophecy until after the fact (many still haven't; see: majority of God's people, those entrusted with the oracles of God; i.e., the nation of Israel). Again and again, there are disclosures that Jesus made or things He did which the disciples didn't understand or connect explicitly with prophecy until after He had died and ascended. And He'd even been explicitly clear about particular things, like His death--but folks just didn't grasp it. Until after the fact--after He'd resurrected, when everything changed. Then, it seems to have suddenly clicked into place. Eyes were opened. Like on the road to Emaus--did our hearts not burn within us?

Same deal, as that. Eyes and hearts blinded. Until suddenly, the veil is rent.
Then, clarity comes that God has been moving in ways which He has said He would.

The gates of hell did not prevail against Jesus. Tried, but did not. Tried to kill Him, then to tempt Him, then ultimately did kill Him--all without realizing that over course of the all, God's redemptive work for humanity was being accomplished. What a foil of the enemy's plot to oust God!: The greatest seeming victory was that which ultimately constituted defeat: Christ's heel was bruised, but the enemy's head was crushed.

He sent His disciples out, at one time, telling them to be wise as serpents and harmless as doves.
Which, the more I pray about--in context of very trying situations--the more I am convinced indicates there's awareness of the dangers, realization of the complexities of circumstances, honest appraisals of the impossibilities and willingness to conscientiously deal diplomatically and with great discernment...all while understanding that the only way through is under the hand of God, keeping one's head down, bowed low in humility and surrender to the reality of neediness: hoping and praying all will go in a way which honors God and draws others to Him, in love. Not striking out at others, then, but submitting desperately to God and trusting Him to guide. Even through impossible, difficult, painful, terrifying terrain.

And in the the face of impossibilities and terrors, for the love of God and of man, going in anyways. As and when He leads. Then, trusting His hand to continue to guide. And trusting Him to give words of loving truth, even though they may be very bold and forthright, or even seeming harsh--yet without rancor, malice, vindictiveness. But speaking truth lovingly, desiring reconciliation, instead of any harm. For all.

Ultimately unto God.

All this, knowing God alone can effect such changes of heart unto changes of circumstance, though. By the Gospel of Christ, which is the power of God unto salvation.

He is so kind, though. He continually gives glimpses of His work going on. In the midst of discouragement and despair and uncertainties--all of which are turned unto Him, in His direction pleading mercies and trusting He will provide, despite the heart's darkened state of mourning all it sees...

...in the midst, He is so gracious as to offer unexpected glimpses of the reality of His work, ongoing. Succor. Manna in the wilderness. Living water to a parched soul, to know He is near. Never far. Always with us.

And He will guide. So, the gates of hell will not prevail against us.

When All Else Fails, Christ Never Will

There are times when darkness seems so vast. So encompassing.

Times when that which is oppressively opposed to the truth of the Lord seems to be closing in, on all sides--to crush, consume, and destroy...

Times, also, when even my own heart and mind seem bent upon betraying love of the Lord--every thought and desire seeming utterly convoluted, as though intent upon diverting from both retention and pursuit of holiness...destroying from within--calling all which is true and holy into question...
Along such lines as: "Surely truth is relative. And if truth is relative, then what does any sort of exaltation of one truth above any other equate to, except a sort of moralizing judmentalism?...and what purpose does that even serve--except perhaps constituting some surely-pretentious exercise in what could only be considered self-exaltation?"

There are times, then...when I despair that I may become so shaken as to turn away from the Lord... Unto sin. Unto the domain of darkness, once again. Unto death. As in: "It's all relative, anyway--right?"

At times, when this all seems to be the case--my every act and word seems baseless, seems unfounded, seems even sometimes corrupt and profane, just for being proposed to counter those notions of demoralizing relativity. Sometimes it seems best, then, to revert to silence...all while clinging to remembering the Lord.

And there's much prayer, prior to acting along such lines--of times when circumstances have been personally dire, conviction has persisted to speak up for conscience's sake--again and again, I ultimately find myself at a loss to defend myself for even doing so. I again find myself unable to defend both to myself and then also to those who interpret my actions and ideas in ways which deviate so completely from initial, prayerful discussions of concerns. All while knowing I never go about such things perfectly, at all--which makes such situations all the more prayerful and heart-breaking.

All the more, now--enduring what seems an extended and more expansive period of going back and forth between these varied aspects of encountering darkness...and, especially encountering this lattermost on a larger scale--where sometimes people openly denounce actions and speech (though, at present, this is still not being done as openly as could be the case, as perhaps will eventually again become the case)...

...all the more, now...I only know to cast myself on the mercy of God.
While remembering who He is.
And remembering who I am, in light of that greater reality. 

He is good. 

He is faithful. 

He is merciful.

He is kind.

He is forgiving.

He is love.

He is holy.

He is just.

His wrath is on sin.

His will is done in all the earth.

He will by no means clear the guilty.

He will avenge Himself, including injustices and grievances committed one man against another.

He came in the flesh to reiterate these truths and so many likewise.

He was despised, rejected, counted as smitten by God.

He was numbered amongst the transgressors.

He was crucified, becoming a curse.

He bore the sins of the world, in His crucifixion and death.

He died, and in that He did...all died.

He resurrected, that we may have life in Him.

All have sinned. All have gone astray. None seek God. None do righteousness.

All our righteousness is as filthy rags, before our holy and just God. 

Christ, alone, lived a sinless life. He alone, among all mankind, is righteous.

He is God, incarnate. Born of woman, Son of God. 

I have sinned. I deserve His wrath. Completely.

I deserve eternal punishment. Completely. Irrevocably.

It would be righteous on His part for God to set me in my place in the lake of eternal fire.

In Christ, alone, I have forgiveness. 

In Christ, alone, my sins have been atoned for.

In Christ, alone, I can simultaneously become more deeply aware of the absolute wretchedness of my sins--being driven to greater grief and despair and horror, in light of more deeply realizing the reality of what it is to sin against God, and to sin against those He loves, becoming also more deeply humbled by realization of my utter, wholehearted guilt which continually drives me to Christ, shamefacedly pleading for mercy--while being more deeply devastated by the encompassing glory of His love and forgiveness.

And I can accept I have no justification for myself. Only Christ is my justification. Period.

And I can know this does not excuse evil-doing, does not excuse sin. And His indwelling presence provides hope that I will not continue in sin, indefinitely. He will continue to give strength, to grant repentance, to provide a means of escaping temptation.

And with deep lamentation over the horror of continuing to sin, I can still find some measure of grief-stricken relief in knowing that He will have mercy...even to redeem the depravity of actions in defiance of Him and others. While still needing to confess and seek forgiveness, all the while. 

And so He redeems, despite me...making all things work to the good, for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. So, I will not rejoice in my own perceived goodness--knowing whatever there is which is good in me, is there by His mercies and not per my own striving--so I only rejoice in His grace and mercy toward me and others. 

I can continually surrender, then, presenting myself a living sacrifice to Him--as is only right and proper, suitable action, unto the One who is my sovereign and redeemer. 

And I can trust Him in any darkness--though I may walk haltingly as though blind. Though I may fear at any moment to falter fully or to fall--fearing to dishonor Him and make a byword of His name (not as when honoring Him, when those who despise Him use any cause to mock both Him and those who love Him and follow Him...but fearing to bring mockery by my own disservice to His good name).

Though fearing to falter in the darkness, I will still walk by the light of His love and the desire to honor Him and others--though I again and again despair of how imperfect and incomplete is my own...

I then must look to Him--the author and perfecter of my faith--knowing I am insufficient for all tasks at-hand. I must look to Jesus, who has gone before me, entering into the veil, who remains steadfast as my anchor. I must look to Him, who did not falter even though the darkness pierced Him with nails, affixing Him to that horrid, glorious cross...on my behalf...in my place..

I must look to Him, whose love did not falter, even being crucified. Who, instead, cried out for mercy on the very ones--even all of us--who crucified Him. By our sin, by our defiance, by our love of the darkness. 

Thusly looking unto Jesus--though the darkness surrounds me and seeks to entreat and consume and suffuse and overwhelm and mock and crush and devastate and destroy...by any means--still, I will look unto Him...

And I will love Him, all the more. Him, who first loved me. Who gave His life for me--even me.

So, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will not fear.

For, to Him--darkness is as light. He has overcome the world. And He is with me.

Though I may not see the path afar off, He will guide my steps.

And when I do fall. I will get back up. And His guidance will continue: A voice, saying this is the way--walk in it...turning me to the right, or to the left. 

And I will trust Him. Him, the One who has delivered my soul from death, hell, and the grave. The One who has given me new life and the light of hope to bear along the way.

Him--whom I love, though I have not yet seen.

I will look to Him.

And He will never leave nor forsake me.

And though I am faithless, He is faithful. For He will not deny Himself.

And He will complete the work which He had begun.

And He is preparing a place for us. That where He is, we may be also.

That we may behold His glory.

For every knee shall bow, and every tongue confess...Jesus Christ is Lord. 

These are the things which I need, to survive the onslaught.
I need to be in His Word. Continually.
I need His Word to live in my heart and mind. Moment by moment putting all things into subjection to the truth of Christ. That I may be still, knowing He is God.

And I need to pray. I need to give thanks. With song.
And I need to love Him and others, as He has loved me. Laying down my life, day to day.

Yet except that He be merciful and give grace, by His Spirit, to empower the pursuit of each of these, according to truth and not some carnal flight of fancy? I know I am inept and incapable.

For my best efforts according to the flesh would and do only amount to further defiance against Him. Except that He is merciful to intervene, consistently--to redirect to Himself, to redirect to truth.

And so His Word reminds me of Him and my need of Him. And His Word reproves, and corrects, and encourages, and builds up, and sanctifies. I need His Words. I need Christ, Himself. I need to know Him and to know of Him--to have my mind continually renewed and washed in the pure water of His Word. And even cleansed by the fear of the Lord, which is clean. Holy. And to spend time with Him, in prayer and the fellowship of His Spirit. Even amongst the brethren.

The Lord be with you, wherever you are.
We are battling, here, in this world. Christ Jesus came, and the lines were drawn distinctly.
Though there is continually an attempt to erase those lines--now, same as ever has been--truth is unassailable.

God is true. Though every one of us be liars.

If are to grow to the measure of maturity--our discernment exercised as to know between that which is good and evil--we must know Christ, Himself. This comes by His Spirit, as we call out to Him for mercy, continually dwelling in His Word, walking by the light of our faith in God--knowing Him, trusting Him, resting in Him, our every thought and pursuit increasingly fixed on Jesus Christ, Himself. All of which is a work of the Lord, indeed: Set apart for Him. By Him: Working in us the will and the ability to do His will.

That we would evermore be testing all things, to see if they are of God.

Entering His rest, we have the peace He has given us in Christ--not a peace as the world gives. Though the storm rages. Though we are destroyed. Though our very lives are taken.

Still, we may be still--resting in Him and trusting Him. Because we know Him and are able to reflect upon the reality of who He is in the midst of it all.

He is present with us. May His Word abide in us richly.

I am reminded that every time I have encountered death--thinking of those instances, particularly, which were unexpected--His mercy has been exceedingly unexpected and great. His peace has consumed the fear which accompanies entering that moment. And also eclipsed the pain. And after coming back to life, what pain remained as a result of the instances with injury...was endurable, by His grace.

He will give grace as necessary, in each moment. Whatever we face.

Though Death, Satan, all the Legions of hell: Whatever we face, God is greater.
Always has been. Always will be.

Submitting to Him, then, we overcome and may remain in his rest:
His name is a strong tower. He is our refuge, our shield and defender.

Submitting to Him, humbly acknowledging our abject insufficiencies--trusting the outcome will be according to His will, whatever it be...no matter the pain, incapacitation, fear, death...

...even loving--with an absolute abandon--foremost in the direction of the Lord, then unto others, thereby...trusting Him with all the pieces of our shattering hearts and lives, however they may fall: Entrusting Him with our entire heart, yes--our whole being, with all we are--for knowing He is worthy, knowing He is trustworthy: Knowing all this, living all this...for knowing Him...

...Our rest will thus ever be in Him, in the midst of any darkness.
No matter how deep the darkness. His love is deeper still.

(Betsie Ten Boom, "There is no pit so deep, that God's love is not deeper still.")

So may we forge onward, grabbing hands along the way with one another and others with whom we plead--that they would seek the light of Christ, which we know and follow. Though we may not see His light fully, all the while. Whatever it costs, may we press on. Even for just one, beloved. For the love of Christ, for the love of those others for whom He died (for whom He now also lives).

John 15:13-19 

Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends. Ye are my friends, if ye do whatsoever I command you. Henceforth I call you not servants; for the servant knoweth not what his lord doeth: but I have called you friends; for all things that I have heard of my Father I have made known unto you. Ye have not chosen me, but I have chosen you, and ordained you, that ye should go and bring forth fruit, and that your fruit should remain: that whatsoever ye shall ask of the Father in my name, he may give it you. These things I command you, that ye love one another. 

If the world hate you, ye know that it hated me before it hated you. If ye were of the world, the world would love his own: but because ye are not of the world, but I have chosen you out of the world, therefore the world hateth you.

Dear Lord, guard us and guide us. By Your Almighty hand, Father, keep us from evil. Deliver us from temptation. Let us love, purely and completely as You have done. Purify us, Father, by Your Word. Purify us, by Your Spirit. Lord, give us strength to follow with boldness and clarity of speech and heart, no matter what assails. Help us to honor You with our thoughts, hearts and lives. And Lord, forgive us for stumbling. Over ourselves and others. Lord, forgive us for failing You again and again. Cleanse us. Search our hearts and minds and reveal whatever wicked ways are in us, and deliver us Lord. Into Your hands we commit ourselves. Help us honor You with discerning, bold speech, that we would share the Gospel--the power of salvation--to all those with whom You would give the grace so to do. Lord, help us. And send many more, also, to share Your Gospel of grace, in Christ Jesus. Amen.

Truth: Reality of Eternal Consequence

So much in my present reality has had to do with the very nature and fabric of truth. As even of whether it exists. And whether anyone is "entitled" to claim their own perception of truth as being more valid than another's. And if so, by what means--according to which distinctions? What makes truth true? And if there is absolute truth, why or how does that even matter? And should it matter? Why?

And how do you know truth? How do you discern one truth as being distinctly different than any other purported truth? And, again--why even do so?

Is there such a thing as being right? And what entitles any given stance that force of insistence as being preeminent and prevalent? For claiming to be right wholly entails distinguishing opposing interpretations or views or beliefs or acts as wrong.

Truth divides according to that very principle--that which is in opposition cannot also be true.

The finer points of distinction are what have comprised the more devastating and difficult of interactions: As with a pilot whose trajectory is off course by a quarter-degree only, still he will not arrive at the intended destination upon flying hours in such direction.

Some larger matters of deviation from truth are easier to discern, for so rapidly and obviously leading to shipwreck of faith (to a deviation from and overturn of recognition of God and His Word, thus defying the Gospel). For instance, twice within the past few months, I've encountered folks who are knee deep and content to claim as "true" some deviant beliefs which (when followed to marginally further logical conclusions) entail discounting the entire New Testament.

Both these conversations have entailed variations on "Hebrew-roots"/"Sacred name" ideologies--these are not really disconnected from one another, as ideologies go. They constitute just one fraction of the numerous demonic doctrines which are prevalent in the world and which manifest and spread just per fixation on certain verses of Scripture to the exclusion of the whole of God's Word: Without need for "external" influence, apart from a driving fixation which is not imparted by God's Holy Spirit.

I had very nearly been consumed by the Hebrew Roots deviance at almost the outset of coming to know Jesus, so am fairly familiar--had gone in some directions even almost to the Sacred Name sect. All arising from a misguided impulse to want to please Him more completely and distinguish myself to Him, by having laws to obey which would "allow" these things. It's very tempting to the flesh--wanting to be more accepted to God by my own works?, rather than wholly resting with and humbling content to know that we're "accepted and acceptable in the Beloved?" Such things are especially tempting when there's also a notion of attaining a sort of higher knowledge of His ways than "most people," too--such that there's a luring pretense of potential for continually deeper, richer, more hidden stores of knowledge which will further and further esteem self above others, though with God, the further one goes in pursuing such matters. Elijah was a man of like passions as we are. Doesn't exalt us, to reflect on this. Doesn't debase him. But that makes it clear none of us is able to be any higher than another, by strivings according to our intellect and abilities. What was treasured of God was the humble, the ones who sought Him and believed Him. Not those who sought to build themselves up in the eyes of others and Himself, as though we could be profitable servants to the One who sustains our very life.

I don't remember precisely how the Lord delivered me from Hebrew Roots notions, except I know it had to do with the Gospel. Because that always constitutes the dividing point between delusion and reality, between error and correction. Jesus paid my debt. He reigns. I love Him dearly, though I once hated Him. I owe Him my all. And I long to give Him my all. But...this means becoming ever more surrendered to the reality of the righteousness of God's wrath against my sin and the incomprehensible mercy extended to me through the cross...even more humbled by the reality of who I am and who God is, and the reality that I could never approach Him nor would ever dare do so...except that He has made a way for me to be forgiven by the atonement come through Christ's self-sacrifice. And I can rest ever more completely assured of knowing He is true to His Word and will deliver even me, as I am led to walk in the light of reality more wholeheartedly--when I reflect upon the reality of Jesus's resurrection, and the truths regarding Himself and His will in His Word. To know that He reigns, still, yields peace. And we can know, too, that He will assuredly also accomplish all other things which He has said, as well as what He has already accomplished.

But again--of those false doctrines noted: one regarding a particular twist on "Sacred Name"-things, the other of "Hebrew Roots"--the thing which both recent proponents of these false doctrines failed to realize is that the natural end of their purportedly Christian beliefs requires that the New Testament Scriptures ultimately all be excluded as false. Which is problematic, period: Dismantling God's Word is...what Satan has done from the beginning, as it were. And one cannot claim demonic inspiration for parts of the New Testament without likewise condemning the while, which is ultimately claiming the same of God.

 So, to further specify--to make an argument that the Greek word for Jesus's name is not a transliteration of His Hebrew name (which is the case)...but instead is a reference to pagan idols--saying that the texts were corrupted and "Jesus" is actually a demonic being/pagan idol who is thus not actually God (not as He's presented in the Greek texts, at least)--further, claiming that only calling Him by His "true name" is correct or otherwise you're worshipping a false God--entails that all the Greek texts simply must be corrupt, since they all transliterate His Hebrew name in the same way as is then (later) transliterated to our English "Jesus:" Claiming the very name and nature of God has been misrepresented that significantly in extant texts entails implying perversion of the entire text, per association. "Problem" is--our (thousands of) surviving manuscripts are primarily Greek (from what I know--which is somewhat marginal, yes...but not entirely ignorant: those manuscripts which aren't in Greek still primarily accord with the Greek...which would by inference indicate they must also be corrupt).

All of which means that if you are going to attest that beliefs and maintain logical consistency, you ultimately will have to discount as demonized the entirety of what we have of the New Testament if it accords with the Greek manuscripts. And as it stands, Greek was the lingua franca of the age when Christ walked the earth--thus the most reasonable, as the most commonly accessible language, for relaying missives to the world. So, that means you have to set aside the New Testament, realistically.

Which is unavoidably problematic for anyone who wants to authentically claim to follow Christ. In sum, discounting God's preserved Word on the basis of saying it's a demonic matter that Jesus is called Jesus and not Yeshua, or Yehoshua, or however the person's bent happens to be blatantly denies His Word from the apostles and of the Gospels, too, which ultimately derails faith and opposes the Gospel of Christ.

Likewise, the "Hebrew Roots" movement opposes the Gospel of Christ. In order to truly embrace the idea that the only way to truly serve and know God is to return to "our Hebrew roots, and learn Torah and obey the law," you have to initially do away with many of the apostles epistles. Particularly Paul. Especially due to his letter to the Galatians: Because he flat out says we aren't saved nor sanctified by the law, period, and could not be. That entire epistle discounts the notion of needing to submit to the Torah as a follower of Christ--actually says that to do so means Christ is of no avail to us.

Hebrew Roots ideology and offshoots thus confound the Gospel of Christ entirely, confusing the purpose and accessibility of the law--in ways I'm not going to specifically delineate at the moment (read the epistle to the Galatians). But the point is, if someone believes they must be keeping the law in order to honor Christ, they have to deal with the letter to the Galatians. What seems to happen is that Paul is demonized. Literally--again. But...if you do away with Paul by saying he deviated from Jesus's teachings and opposed Him, you have to do away with Peter, too. Because Peter mentions Paul and upholds him. And...it just continues to snowball.

I've now been confronted by someone believing Hebrew Roots ideologies who has gone a step further than just discounting Paul's epistles: in order to maintain logical consistency at all...you really have to reinterpret Paul's experience on the road to Damascus. Thus, I was told it was not Jesus who appeared to Paul. Believing otherwise--believing what Acts records as occurring (that Jesus did appear to Paul)--would only validate what Paul wrote in his epistles. So, in order to maintain logical consistency while discounting and discarding Paul's epistles as demonic...Jesus has to be reinterpreted as well. I was told it was the "angel of light"--Satan--who appeared to Paul on the road to Damascus. That is blood-chilling.

The person who spoke this latter point has not yet come to deal with the reality that Luke wrote Acts. And that this same Luke wrote a Gospel. Such that, if logical consistency continues to be pursued...then if Luke has lied by representing Satan as Jesus in the Acts of the Apostles...what, of his Gospel?

And past that point, what of the points in the other Gospels which accord with Luke's--primarily the synoptics? But the Gospel of John does share similarity with the synoptics--not a stretch to say it would have to be ousted at some point too. Thus John's epistles and Revelation go, too.

One bit of deviation ultimately ousts the New Testament.

If you're going to be logically consistent, at least.

Although...in order to wholeheartedly go along with either of those errors, or any other...there's inherently been a compromise against sound reasoning, already.

Which leaves the Gospel in the dust, as insufficient...

...by entering into philosophizing, rationalizing, seeking to find esteem according to a return to heritage (genealogies being esteemed highly and contended for)--rather than marveling at the truth of who God is, what He's doing, what He has done, and humbly regarding ourselves as recipients of His mercies--grace unto us being to His glory.

Similar process of deviation from reliance upon Christ, when it comes to any teaching which does not retain focus on God's grace--teaching which, instead, tells us to start focusing elsewhere for power, for deliverance, for esteem, or to please God or heal ourselves or one another or society. Many deviations from the truth just don't manifest as drastically, as quickly, in deviating from God's Word and opposing Him, blatantly.

What is it that was written: "Would the LORD be pleased with thousands of rams, with ten thousand rivers of oil? Shall I present my firstborn for my transgression, the fruit of my body for the sin of my soul? He has shown you, O mankind, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you but to act justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God?"

And, "Behold, as for the proud one,
            His soul is not right within him;
            But the righteous will live by his faith."

"For the gospel reveals the righteousness of God that comes by faith from start to finish, just as it is written: "The righteous will live by faith."

Abraham believed God. Noah did, too. So did Moses. They believed Him. They took Him at His Word. Placed their trust in Him. And Jesus said the thing we must do is believe in the One whom God the Father sent.

That's what we must do. Believe in Him. Believe Him.

We must know Him, ourselves. We need to come to Jesus, to enter right relationship with Him as our Savior, God, Master, King. Our Great Shepherd and dearest Friend.

We must abide in Him, also. Not out on a limb of our own conceiving. But in Jesus, the true Vine. Anything else we attempt will be nothing good...we have fallen from that, apart from Him.

And God is the ultimate reality, the only one who is good. He existed before time came into being. He created all things which exist, and He sustains all which is. He is all-powerful over His Creation, as the Creator and Sustainer of it all. He is not disconnected. His is not a course of ambivalence or apathy.

Yet those who have defied Him and turned from His goodness enter that which is the natural consequence, as though stepping from one room into the adjoining--if not in the one room, then in the other--entering His wrath. A long-suffering active displeasure which will enact justice at an appointed time, each to each.

In the meantime there are already active, natural consequences besides. As constituted by natural outworkings of any deviation from what is correct orderliness and function, the results are unto increasing fragmentation within the fabric of our existence--the weft and warp of the whole of our physical, mental, social, emotional, spiritual reality becomes disordered, increasingly. Unto ever increasing disjointedness, fragmentation within ourselves and around us on all sides. As each deviant weave further corrupts the extant corruption. Though in His mercy, He long-sufferingly preserves us, despite our defilings.

He is not ultimately avoidable, though. And if we would have any dealings with really knowing truth, then we will have to deal with Him in the here and now. But this whole world has constructed such beguiling and compelling distortions of truth, besides--as we, ourselves, had ever turned from Him we did indeed turn toward such delusions as are common parlance, oft come de rigeur, yet many quick to become passé in favor of any next most alluring distension of reality possessing just enough conceivability and relevance to remain palatable for even a brief amount of time: 

We build castles in the sky. While He sits in the heavens and laughs, the earth His footstool--all per se. Yet reality.

Of which, since knowing Him and dealing in truth...one of the utmost painful encounters is with someone...anyone...beloved--loving them and finding they do not care to know truth. Do not want truth. Actively choosing other things. This, despite even being willing and able to discuss so many things--anything, even. But yet, lacking desire for truth. I would die a thousand times to know the Lord would in His mercy light that spark which would draw such ones into fellowship of right dealings with Him--to submit to truth, to the reality of dire need for repentance in humble contrition before our God and King...seeking forgiveness...just to know that even not knowing them here and now as brethren and sisters in Christ, I would in eternity...

...but I'm nothing but another sinner, I have nothing to offer the Lord so to bargain with Him for the life of anyone. Not even for my own. I am a recipient of great mercy, only: A gift--His grace.

And I do not deserve to know Him. I do not deserve His forgiveness.

But Jesus has been merciful to me. And continues being merciful. Even in that all the more it breaks my heart to encounter ones beloved, finding hearts numb and cold and insensate and apathetic to the reality of our condition.

What is it, then--seeing and cherishing in those around me traits and characteristics which are admirable and which are delightful and which warm my heart to see, of compassion and kindness and charitability and contentment?...and to cherish and love people?...even while knowing that apart from their turning to Christ, all these mercies and blessings and kindnesses will profit them nothing?

The situation is dire. My heart breaks. And there is a hand extended in mercy, pleading to be permitted to rescue. Yet I cannot join their hand to Christ's. Though I may plead, I cannot change a heart of stone. He reaches out and they refuse. And I grieve. And I don't know His grief on this, but I know He shed His own blood to be able to extend His pierced hand in mercy...so His love is far beyond anything I could ever own..

So, then--what is truth, and why does it matter?

God is true, though all men be liars. And He has presented us with His own Son--who walked amongst us and was rejected...who died to atone for our sins, satisfying the wrath against us. So that we may be forgiven and receive mercy. This...is of eternal consequence.

Anything that would undermine or detract from or truly distract from Christ and keeping course unto Him...is thus of eternal consequence. Not small matters. Gangrenous: Killing part, then the whole.

In scope of this, concern over being right or wrong seems paltry: We are all wrong. God, alone, is wholly right. He, alone, is truly just. We will come to terms with this fact, whether here or hereafter: We have the choice to believe in Jesus Christ for our salvation, our redemption, our deliverance, for eternal life...here and now, coming to Him for forgiveness. Or we have the choice to remain under God's wrath and endure due penalty as consequence of our transgressions against God...eternal, in full, ourselves.

He has given us the choice. He has done everything necessary to our salvation and sanctification.

We have to deal with Him, directly. Not by proxy. Not as a cultural tradition.

We have to reason with God, ourselves. Through Christ. Ask Him. And search His Word, to know of Him. We'll come to terms with Him one way or another, we just get to choose something of the circumstances of that meeting.

Personally, I prefer dealing with the pain of humbling myself here and now, rather than it no longer being an option but instead a direct consequence of stepping into the full, crushing Presence of a no-longer-avoidable reality.

Discerning Falsity by Light of Truth

The sufficiency of Christ is supreme. The truth of the Gospel is sufficient to bear us through on every hand. Just to remember what He has done for us--for us, who defied God's sovereignty in order to do what's right in our own eyes...thus stepping under His righteous wrath wholly, deservedly, incontrovertibly, and eternally? To the praise of the glory of His grace, we who were far off and in the kingdom of darkness have been brought near, translated into the kingdom of light. Into the love of God in Christ Jesus.

Remembering the Gospel is vital to clarity--remembering who Jesus is and what He has done for us--meaning everything to those who know Him and love Him, who are called by Him, "Beloved."

Even in remembering this--reflecting upon the fact that God did not spare His own son but gave Him up for our redemption--we may be comforted in knowing that all things else which are necessary to our salvation, our lives, and our walk with Him in this world will also be given. All the more to realize that the Gospel is unavoidably central for those who would walk in truth and serve God. Christ is our focus, and the transformative simplicity of reflecting upon Him and drawing ever nearer to Him in thought, heart, word, and deed--by the grace manifested in and through us by His Spirit, even through His Word--is a joy far beyond anything we could ever ask or hope: To know Him is to have life, and to have it abundantly. And to have peace, beyond measure: Not as the world gives, but secure and pervasive and unwavering despite grief, despite devastation, despite terrors, despite confusions, despite anything which may arise around or even otherwise within, attempting to unseat the security which we have in Christ Jesus. None can dissuade, ultimately. He overcomes. He is greater than our hearts.

To have peace with God through Christ--to have the peace of Christ ruling in our hearts--is beyond comprehension, beyond all hope, and gracious beyond belief.

He is so kind. So kind.

So when it comes to confronting false teachings, false doctrines, false ideologies, false prophets, false apostles, false Christs, and false Gods...the point of ultimate discernment is not merely concerned with proof texts from the Scriptures, nor with spiritual or experiential proofs (as there are many false spirits gone out, claiming themselves of God and even to be Christ), nor even with manifest acts of seeming righteousness. But where is the Gospel of Christ, in matter? Where is love of Him? Where is love of His Word, as a whole?

Do we not see, again and again, in the apostles' epistles, and the records of Christ Himself, that the centrality of purpose and hope regards our need to repent in honest humility before our holy God, and come to Jesus Christ who is our Redeemer and King. We must humble ourselves and sincerely call out (and keep humbling ourselves and calling out) to our God and Sovereign Lord, so to receive mercy from His very hand--that very hand which was pierced, for our transgressions...coming to Him whose blood was shed, to cover our iniquities and transgressions...Him, whose death on the cross yet atoned for our sins, while His resurrection stands eternal testament that those who do come to Him pleading forgiveness stand justified before God. And thereafter, we live surrendered to Him for having come to terms with the One who created us and has granted us mercy. So our lives will consist of lovingly seeking out His will, as desiring Him above all things, then also desiring to know Him more intimately and understand His ways more completely--all for increasingly grasping the magnitude of that which was accomplished by Him for us, and as knowing Him who did this work on our behalf and loved us while we still hated Him...we will long to share this good news of repentance unto redemption through God's own Son, with all the world. Seeking Him to guide in this. By any means He ordains.

So much writing in His Scriptures attests to the need to hold fast to the faith, to the knowledge of truth. Remembering the work of God in Christ, as the revelation of the mystery of redemption come through the very blood of the Son of God--though His incarnation, His suffering, His death, and resurrection.

These things completely overturn seeming righteousness and the actual import of other ideals. Because all else is lesser, whenever detracting from or distracting from pursuit of this One whom we owe our eternal lives and hearts to...

All to say:
If proof texting is the course which is attempted to justify or overturn a doctrine, and not a centrality of focus on the Gospel--that, of itself, may constitute "proof in the pudding" that there's something off kilter. Especially given that so many false ideologies have no compunctions against agreeing with standard, orthodox doctrines and creeds. But just add to them, unofficially. And depart from them, practically speaking--all a matter of what words actually mean, ultimately. And if someone has a different interpretation of the very same word and yet continues using that word as though meaning hasn't changed...

...only practical outworkings of the underlying ideology are going to evidence the distinctions. Fruits, in other words.

Our intellect doesn't bring us to God, though. Christ does. And thereafter He redeems even our minds, then still...it's to His glory and not our own: Unto a greater deference to and reverence for Him. Unto a greater clarity of the whole of His ordained creation, and of right order.

Of which the Gospel of Christ stands forefront to the glory of our Creator, that He would have such long-suffering, merciful grace toward those in His creation who have defied Him at every turn. And being transformed and renewed in our minds as such would give us over to desiring all the more to share this fundamental, transformational, redemptive truth with those others around us who are still laboring under delusions, slaves to sin, and remaining under the wrath of God. For love of Him and what He has done for us and them, in Christ, and for love of them who are our brothers and sisters according to the flesh.

But by His grace, alone, we plead and present reasoned arguments for the faith--for the knowledge of and truth of and glory of God revealed in Christ, and in His Word, and resonant throughout creation. For the sake of the hope that we have in Christ.

Know Him. Know of Him. And be led of Him.

Truth is a narrow gate. And a strait way. To God, through Christ, alone. Few there be who find it. Press on.

Grace to Praise

Grateful for the Lord's faithfulness. And His nearness, always. But especially poignant in the midst of griefs, in the midst of trials of faith.

Too many other things draw attention and focus when everything in life seems to be going smoothly. Comfort holds sway, ease sets in, and suddenly the spiritual equivalent of spending time staring at walls seems somehow satisfying rather than ardently pursuing the joy of Christ's presence and the marvel of His Word.

I continue asking Him to help me to be long-suffering, as He is, though. Because ordinarily in grief, after so many hours of pain there comes a point where I begin to cry out against it and seek any and all mindless distraction as a means of "coping." Rather than to bear in silence with pain, ever with the Lord--remembering who He is and what He has done and continuing to bring before Him the matters of heartache and utmost concern.

Fasting helps. As a requirement of dependence upon Him is entailed--turning to Him with all within, denying even the utmost needs of the flesh for the sake of more ardently crying out to Him, wholly. But this isn't as a self-castigation. This isn't a penance. No. But a crying out before the Lord of abject and utter need of Him in the midst of devastation--acknowledging there is no hope nor help apart from Him. Not as a means of testing Him, either, then--not to any extremes as would conceivably risk death. But wholeheartedly as a declaration of the insubstantial nature of food in contrast to utter requirement of Manna from on high...which is to say, the requirement of Christ, Himself: Any less than Him would be not enough.

He, alone, is the Word, our Life. In His presence is fullness of joy.

In the midst of all this, still seeking to honor Him and others regardless of all the weirdness. And He's even allotted a glimpse of grace, and grace again: Solace upon solace, in the midst of weariness--that no matter whether circumstances would turn to total opposition, as has been the case at times (unexpectedly, completely unexpectedly)...then, given any knowledge of hope that matters need not be as such...

...and may not be as such...

...that there is grace in all this toward me, too?...is reminded. Such mercy.

So, still--whatever comes or goes.

However things proceed.

The cry of my heart to Him remains a cry for mercy upon us all.

Though especial cry is for mercy unto those who are nearest, thus dearest for being most familiar to my own heart and soul. While there's grief of knowing others whom I don't know are refusing His mercy, unto their condemnation...desperation on this matter is deeper and far beyond keen regarding those of whom I have acquaintance, personal.

But He is the One who alone is Savior, Redeemer, and King. And I can only cry out to Him, knowing all the while that I can only strive for my own part to walk uprightly before Him. I cannot move the hands of another, nor incline the ears of another. No matter the opportunity which Christ provides to discuss the Gospel and the truth of His preeminence...I cannot capitulate another's heart unto His possession, become desirous of serving Him.

I can pray, though. I can still plead with Him.

So even then--no matter the grief, there's joy in being reminded yet again that He does hear.

I've been reminded often, lately, that the men who were called to spread His Word and plead His case with Israel prior to Christ's incarnation...many were rejected, outright. And some--like Jeremiah and Isaiah, particularly--were nearly entirely opposed and rejected and increasingly defied, throughout the entirety of their service to God and man.

So how great a mercy is it, that He would allow glimpses of grace?--that He would permit us at times to see His work progress in the lives and hearts of others? Hopefully unto witnessing His work of regeneration come to a fruition, even?

How gracious that though ears may sometimes become deaf, eyes blind, and hearts cold...then at times, otherwise, He may allow to see the opposite unfold--by His grace and power, alone?

What hope we have, in this God of ours!--who rules and reigns in the heavenlies and in our hearts, though yet He is also sovereign of all His creation? He came for us. He took on flesh, yes. And bled and died a horrific death to atone for our sins, that we would be redeemed...that all would have access to mercy, if we would but desire and seek for it...that we would find Him?

How great and kind our God is! This King who reigns and yet also gently shepherds us--lovingly as a Father, yet intimately as a Brother.

How marvelous, that this God of ours--the only living God--would condescend to intimately know us and draw us into fellowship with Himself by preserving a Word toward us in language, that we would have means to know Him?! On His terms, and yet...revealed in ours?! So gracious. So merciful. So inconceivably kind!

Lord, bless Your holy name. You are to be praised in all the earth! Your works are beyond comprehension and compare. Your wisdom is unattainable to us, and yet You have made yourself known! And have given us life, in Your son. Oh, Blessed, Holy Father! Thank you. Praise Your name, forever. Give us grace to seek Your face. And let us rejoice in Your mercies every day.

Dear Lord, thank You.

Silent Assent and Dangers of Forsaking Truth

If I had acted upon first being convicted of the need to do so, rather than waiting to the point where potential dire events were about to unfold for having compromised against Christ's leading and keeping...

...things perhaps would not be so abrupt. And realistically, yesterday's departure was not as abrupt as it seemed to most--the process occurred over months' worth of private conversations and discussions, and even included a conversation a few weeks back which began with detailing my belief I could not continue involvement. So, though most didn't have notice, it was not entirely absent. But this still hasn't gone in as honorable a way as would have been desirable.

Hopefully, someday I'll be less idolatrous than now, and more quickly heed the Lord's conviction to uphold truth. Though at least this time, there's somewhat less sway to the temptation to be ruled by terror of man.

By grace, only. Trusting matters into the Lord's hands, even when not handled necessarily as well as might have been done...but presently by what feeble, desperate means available I've sought to return to Christ with haste as not to falter further.

And in general besides, I cannot afford to not be well in the Lord--though especially at work...which begins Tuesday, most every week.

Matters there (everywhere) are too dependent upon walking with Christ closely, so not to continually falter nor be consumed and overwhelmed and swayed by various chaos: All's well while walking in the peace of the Lord, with a clear conscience. Not so, otherwise. My role is to be stable in the midst of absolute, ever-shifting uncertainty and sporadic, yet consistent trauma along with engendering an ongoing unveiling of varied darknesses of experience and plight...with the hope of inspiring hope, because there is hope to be had for any of us.

In the midst of chaos, though Christ is often merciful to preserve me despite my distractibility and constant flightiness of heart...turning away from Him for wisdom and strength and peace and guidance is not something to knowingly perpetuate:

Turning from Christ substantially by rationalizing against His conviction...quickly becomes very dangerous, in many ways.

For one, Jesus keeps me from being continually assailed by the encompassing sense of meaningless which compelled toward death that accompanied most of my waking life, prior to coming to know Him as my Lord, guide, shepherd, companion, and Savior King. Prior to wholeheartedly turning to Him and following Him, my life was constant chaos without any stronghold nor hope.

Now, chaos is endured only from within the grasp of my Master's sure, steady hand. He holds me still in the midst of the storm, though it rages and would destroy me if it could. Thoughts of death and of futility which otherwise still would assail...?--all are stricken into abject silence and revealed as the lies which they truly are in light of continual remembrance of Christ, the ongoing joyful fulfillment of His presence, and the wonder of being loved and forgiven and delivered and kept by Him.

So to turn away from Him even slightly, unto relativistic ideas which afford purchase toward that same sense of meaningless which once consumed me?--turning even slightly away from truth opens the door to all those lies, yet again.

Rationalizing away from truth constitutes turning from it, unto lies--no matter how seemingly slight or benign the rationalization. This, as there's only two ways about truth, when it comes to God--there's no false dilemma there. Christ, the authority on all which exists, spoke on these matters--He is the only way, Truth, and Life. Knowing Him, personally, coming to Him, personally...is the only, only way to have forgiveness and life in God. Knowing Him and walking with Him is the only way to experience vital fulfillment, since He is our source of life and meaning...being the fount of all which is good.

Finding fulfillment in Him entails coming to terms with reality, and staying in touch with reality.

Alternately, turning away from Him entails turning toward delusion. The delusions which held me most securely were unto death, so I would rather not turn away from Him.

There are folks I think who would recommend medications for this, instead of directing me to walk uprightly before Christ. Such recommendations come as with limited knowledge of the efficacy and effects of medications: Know little about the neurological and physiological damage associated--unavoidably, as part of the mechanisms involved. Know little or nothing about the "trial periods" which are undergone to find something which "works"--because it's all educated guesswork. All of it is. Even knowing that some medications may work for a while before randomly ceasing to do so, at any instant, without notice, without knowledge of why (understanding of how and why the meds work at all is extremely limited, in context of realizing the limited knowledge of our brains' workings). And...side-effects which are wholly difficult to bear (or deadly) are likely to arise at any point--whether development of seizure disorders, liver or kidney disease, pseudo-Parkinson's disorder, or any manner of things which also may include random death.

And some research is beginning to establish long-term brain damage associated with ongoing use of psychotropic medication as prescribed (not unknown, just hadn't been "established" per research).

Point being, there's often pressure to deal with matters of emotion and temptation and the like by means which don't entail the difficult work of dealing with sin and emotion.

Because that's messy.

Repentance as a primary means for managing "mental illness," though?
Effective, but "messy."

Personally, I'll take it any day over compromising the ability to emote and think clearly. Even if needed alongside variable doses of time in the Bible, time in prayer, time praising, time spent seeking and receiving counsel, time spent under preaching, time spent studying apologetics, time spent pondering the Word of God, time spent witnessing, time spent reflecting on what the Lord has done, and time spent serving according to His guidance.  ...all which constitute my "personal medicine."

Jesus is my recovery. And when I start stepping against Him, that is compromised.

Which means that things which have to be kept out of life are also just as vital to my wellness in the Lord as those things which must be a part of my life. For instance--I can't do movies or tv. Periodically, taking a client to a movie retains enough a boundary constituted by a restriction to very infrequent exposure that it's not too overwhelmingly upending or consuming. But Tv?--avoided as best as possible. Otherwise these things consume me to the exclusion of those involvements which keep me well.

Likewise, of secular music--takes me down dark paths, generally. And Secular writings do as well, except perused very passingly as part of research in context of considering the Lord's work and our condition.

Interaction with those who do not know the Lord is a heart-breaking endeavor. It must remain on terms which don't otherwise do damage to my wellness in Christ by distracting from Him...at this point only within very strict domains. So, no bars. No movies. No group, secular entertainments. Maybe someday He'll lead otherwise, but for now?--no.

Also, no alcohol--period. Because I have been delivered from alcoholism--previously, one of the most consuming influences of my life.  I will not tempt that--but by grace. The Lord keeps me in this, because I know I haven't the sense to keep myself...except to be reminded again and again what indulging the littlest bit of temptation can do in terms of largely capitulating into a full-blown consumption.

Likewise go matters of involvement in affairs which constitute or entail rationalizing against God's Word (not as though I've been fully conformed to His Word, but am striving toward Him--by grace, if oft haphazardly).

Which doesn't make sense to many, maybe.

And this recent matter has been concerning on multiple fronts--not only rationalizing against His Word. I've also been failing those whom I've been asked to lead by leading them into error per my own, silent acceptance of publicly espoused falsehood (no matter how briefly).

One of my direst pitfalls again and again has been to honor the word of men whom I respect above the Word of God. The previous church was as this--I was very near to the point of needing hospitalization before finally committing before the Lord and man that it was my heart's desire to pursue Christ at any cost, even if it meant everyone mocked me or considered me unsaved.

And again, that had been the case last year with a couple who very graciously welcomed me to their home for prayer, then for fellowship, then for camaraderie--gradually opening up to me about their theology and pursuit of new apostolic teachings, unto the point that I was being blatantly tempted to re-enter occult practices. My point of capitulation in returning to the Lord was against my high regard for them and love for them and respect for their kindness toward me, especially. I was both terrified and utterly destroyed to finally be compelled by love of Christ and of them to discuss the nature of the theology being espoused--being in contradiction to the Gospel, for exalting man and exalting spiritual power above submission to God. And I pleaded with them multiple times, as concisely and coherently as the Lord gave grace for me to do. But no receipt.

So this, now. Yesterday's email. Following conversations of weeks ago. And prior.

The Lord started more openly convicting me of these recent matters a few months ago--prior to attempts to privately address concerns, blatantly.

Conviction came in the presence of a woman who openly professes Mormonism yet claims Christianity, while with children who are her kin and who attend an evangelical church for now. I found myself in a position before God and those children of upholding Mormonism as Christian per my silence on the matter when it was being discussed as being a Christian equivalent to the evangelical church they were attending. I was simultaneously being identified as Christian to these children. All of this constituted an evidence that Mormonism is Christianity, being expressly acknowledged as true per the non-dissenting silence of a professing believer. My silence constituted assent. And I was bereft.

I wanted to weep, on the spot. But the Lord gave grace to have at least one small matter of dissent stated, otherwise, for the consideration of all present.

Of this present matter dealt with so abruptly last night...it's been the same.

I don't like these things.

I don't like them one bit.

I would rather go crawl under a rock.

But there are bugs there. And I don't care for the idea of being surrounded by bugs. Because they creep, and they crawl, and they bite. So I won't. Though I would want to do so.

Just...when the choice is between defying God and defying man...though I haven't the strength apart from the Lord to proceed, still I would defer to Him and trust Him to guide and guard me from whatever comes. It's only cost me physical assault once. And the Lord gave grace to endure that, so the hatred and mockery that has otherwise sometimes come...though it hurts, too, is also under His guard.

For love of the Lord and love of others, there's no other good way. Though I don't know well how to proceed or what to do, I trust Him. And though things at present might seem rash to many, they aren't aware of the months of prayer. Nor aware of the multiple conversations. Nor aware of all the times I've sought counsel.

So, it's what it is. I entrust these matters and dear people to the Lord. I can't do otherwise. I haven't wisdom or ability to effect any good. The Lord alone does. And it's by His Word alone that truth will be cherished as known. Knowing Him.

Just hoping and praying He has mercy on us all and will convict of truth and of sin and of righteousness. That's enough. More than. For He delivers.

Concerning Compromise and Destruction

Committing to the Lord is a huge matter. My life isn't my own. None of ours is, truly--idolatry paints a different picture, is all. We're called to take up our cross and follow Christ, though. If we would have life. If we would walk in the light--the realization of and recognition of and deference to truth.

Much lately has been concentric about the idea of what walking in the light means, versus the darkness. Having minds darkened, et al? (Ephesians 4:18, and surrounding verses)

The deceitfulness of sin is unto delusion, regarding the reality of God's sovereignty and our sufficiency and satisfaction being found in truly worshipping, submitting to, and honoring Him...and honoring others from that position--foremost, of deference to the reality of God's preeminence.

I have circumstances at present which are utterly beyond my ability to even conceive of how to navigate in a way which is honoring to God and all parties involved. His Word is straightforward, or at least seems straightforward on the matters at hand...but when I've sought counsel, I've received conflicting interpretations. So, I'm waiting upon the Lord for guidance. While knowing my own insufficiency keenly, especially as matters could easily turn horribly badly quite quickly apart from God's ongoing deliverance. I am not sufficient, on any front. If I were foolish enough to think myself strong to withstand the temptation to capitulate to sin, I would fall entirely and quickly.

As it is, I've been on the edge. And I don't like it, one iota.

I want to just run away from everything on all fronts, entirely. So that at least the present circumstances would no longer be a trial.

But I keep praying, because having received conflicting interpretations of God's Word and being in the throes of temptation, myself...I don't know what else to do but continue submitting my heart and my thoughts before the Lord, asking for deliverance and for correction and for Him to guard and guide me.

One of the temptations (of all so many) involves the idea that I can just "toy" with the thoughts of re-entering old patterns of act and thought without that being detrimental. As though if I only seriously consider re-entering modes of being which are detestable to the One whom I love above all...then somehow that wouldn't be a stumbling block in my relationship with Christ. As though I could think on and desire and contemplate "the utility and the benefit" of matters which intrinsically drive a wedge between me and the Lord, within my own heart, yet without that being problematic.

No. Just no.

The reality is that if I give my heart and mind over to dwelling continually on even just the possibility or desirability of returning to practices and modes of being which are in opposition to the Lord, then my heart turns colder toward Him, my mind less attuned to the truth of His far greater desirability for all matters.

Yet temptation insists that other matters would be desirable. By insisting that matters such as that of a false union based on some shared ideology (which intrinsically sets aside the Word of God) consisting, to some degree, of a passionate pursuit of shared understanding and thereupon exalted commonality of human interest (eg., humanitarian aid: good works unto peace, justice, wellness of all members of society by any human means)...comprising an ardent pursuit of some agreed upon matter which itself seems righteous and good...that surely the "good" that would be wrought would justify the means, the compromise of truth, the refusal to submit to God's edict that we are not to be unequally yoked.

Likewise...such temptations as this also insist that surely God would not be too dishonored, if I resolved to quietly pray for Him to work in the midst of circumstances while nonetheless proceeding in unhindered interactions with those whom I know profess Him as God while otherwise refusing submission to His sovereignty over their lives, while refraining from speaking up to remark upon the disparity between profession and relationship with truth.

I've been sorely disturbed over this. Over insistence that charismatic ideology allows for soundness on any front--especially when, in context of my discussion with those who inspired deepest concerns, the doctrines of Word of Faith and Prosperity Gospel ideologies were yet again identified as core components of charismatic practices.

Soothing words and good intentions have been internally heeded many times to reconstitute and marginalize my concerns and conviction of truth to the point that I have increasingly continued to compromise, internally, on what it means to pursue and love Christ...and others...by contending openly for truth before God and man, for the sake of loving each.

[various statements redacted to attempt to retroactively honor more wholly]

It's not possible to compromise on one front without that edging in elsewhere, also.

Please pray for me, that I would honor the Lord in these matters. I do not want to dishonor the elders nor those others involved in leadership, nor those involved in the group. And yet my concerns have been effectively set aside, again and again, apparently perceived as being divisive to otherwise address them.

And again, having continued in prayer and waiting upon the Lord in this matter...with continued involvement in the group, having not consistently publicly addressed concerns...I find myself increasingly also compromising in other areas of life--to extents which would end up being vitally destructive unless culled.

So I am asking mercy from the Lord in this matter and pleading His guidance yet again in how to proceed honorably before Him and man.

I have just realized the havoc wreaked in myself and my walk with the Lord, from these matters. And I do not want to continue down this path away from Christ. Perhaps now is the time to write a letter, as such.

Loving Truth, Instead of Love

Continuing in prayer (and seeking that others near and dear would pray, and you all as well), the Lord has graciously allowed me to regain further perspective on circumstances in light of truth and per another honest appraisal of aspects of my prior, sinful tendencies.

A form of love and the expressed desire for power are presently, to some degree being intermarried in realm of a blatantly trying present circumstance. Being able to discern and prayerfully address various unacknowledged reasonings behind such matters encountered has come and will only come by way of the Lord's gracious allowance of further deliverance--having submitted more fully to Him, casting myself continually upon His mercies.

He does not put me in situations I'm able to independently maneuver and navigate, of an increasing complexity. He leads me in ways which require I reflect upon who He is and what I know of Him and His ways--reflecting again and again upon His Word to us all, the Scriptures, for guidance and comfort and clarification. Prayerfully embarking to act and speak, again and again. All while requesting prayer and seeking accountability (whether overtly intending to do so or not--often as part of the course of seeking to honor Him and be led of Him in His will)...so, also does He encourage and edify and guide and reprove and rebuke through His own people, too--ever directing to His Word.

And of this lattermost, there are many who attempt reproof or encouragement or correction in sometimes blatant but nonetheless concerted deviation from His Word--while simultaneously intimating that such efforts are God-honoring. This, too, is a trial. And a grief. And I do as the Lord leads in gently (and sometimes eventually, ardently--passionately) pleading from His Word in context of the whole to the best of His giving insight and guidance...

...yet all in all, each situation and circumstance of life increasingly requires a deeper dependence upon God for moment-by-moment guidance. Reliance upon Christ, my King and Savior, to lead. By a right knowledge of Him, though, and a testing of guidance against His Word moment-by-moment--not as something founded on wishful thinking and pop-psychology, but an ardent, heart-aching, soul-searching, desperate desire to know & honor Him which culminates again and again in turning to the Scriptures and crying out to Him perpetually for understanding of what is there to be understood. Because these things are far from me, except that He gives insight.

I've read the epistles of John recently, as an instance. And though...the concepts presented seem so straightforward and are...the intricacies of what's presented in scope of the whole of the text of our Scriptures as impressed upon our hearts to be kept...

...is beyond measure. And I long to understand more of what it is which He has revealed of Himself, therein, and of our relation to Him and to one another and to sin. And love. 

I'll be meditating on these epistles for the rest of my life, as God be willing to graciously preserve me evermore for Himself (I trust Him)...and I know I won't come to an end of clarification of my understanding of Him and all the rest of reality, still.

All of which brings me back to saying that trusting Him increasingly and ever more wholeheartedly is a worthwhile life goal, as I see it--Christ professed this roundabouts the ways of what we regard as Matthew 6:33. Yet seeking Him and His kingdom and righteousness?--that's according to rightly handling His Word, which only comes by His Spirit giving understanding of the truth. Seeking and requiring Him as fundamental to all of life and being and wellness only arises out of rightly understanding who He is and who we are in relation, as received through Christ's atoning sacrifice.

Which is life--to thus know Him.

All the rest in the world and our hearts is only ever a pale, destructive imitation which never satisfies.

But He does. And knowing Him means knowing that all this world really and truly is opposed to Him. So it shouldn't surprise us to find out that institutions of learning espouse philosophies which demonize Christians and refuse to even acknowledge God. Shouldn't surprise us that defying God is increasingly being celebrated and honoring Him is increasingly openly despised. It should not surprise us that even in the fellowship of those who profess to worship and adore and know the Father through Christ Jesus, there are many who instead are professing a false Christ and a false God, having feasted at the table of demons by receiving and devouring false Gospels which exalt self--excusing sin and denigrating Christ's work on the cross.

From the very outset, though, Jesus let it be known that there would be such deception as even to overwhelm and lead astray His very own people if it were possible: So very compelling, so very beguiling. Yet, instead, we are just as the disciples were--sent wise as serpents and harmless as doves into the thick of the darkness, where the gates of hell are not prevailing against us. We are sent to be salt and light in the world--a city set on a hilltop, for all to see. And whereas even as our Master was accused of being a demoniac, we should expect no less amongst the "religious elite" who do not know Him despite professing to live lives of devotion to a godliness which is yet without power. This, we can know from what He said and has recorded for our posterity. Even while reflecting upon the truth that though these same deceivers, who are themselves deceived, may perform many signs and wonders in Christ's name--even casting out demons, healing people, and who knows what all else?--that still, they do not know Him. Though they call Him Lord, it's actually a false Christ of their own heart's imagining that they worship, willfully.

I had been such a person. Consistently across my 20 years of mostly quiet occult pursuit, practice, and increasing involvement...(mostly quiet: given the one time it got back to me in high school that, "Neil said you could move things with your mind," I stopped blatantly incorporating others during my practices, until years later when my sister Amber came to me in Florida, unfortunately...)...I considered myself ardently seeking God, having "only" rejected the church. I was just seeking Him on "my own terms." Seeking to understand all of reality by attempting to discern the spiritual via any means which seemed to provide any solid foothold. Mysticism was second-nature. One of the latter pinnacles was to begin walking in open, non-conflicted awareness and practice of spiritual matters while in the throes of engaging the physical. Effectively and consciously engaging the spiritual according to my own understanding.

That's not a thing which ever is of God. The approach is defiant, at core and at every point thereafter.

Jesus made it explicitly, absolutely clear that no one...which means, "no person"...can come to God the Father except through Himself. Period. No two ways about it.

I didn't like that. And though I don't remember going through any direct rationalization against that statement...I effectively did so by choosing to pretend it was irrelevant to me. Just as we all see ourselves as "special exceptions," or "special cases," at times, don't we? Though on varied levels and by varied means expressed, I'm certain this isn't exclusive to Western ideology, since it's the very nature of sin--along the lines of, "Yes, I believe laws should basically apply to everyone, everywhere--to keep us all safe and well...but...right now, that's just so much of a burden to me. And maybe it doesn't mean quite what I think it would--surely that law isn't that strict. So it's probably okay if I just 'cut corners' right now--because, after all, I have very good intentions and I do have a lot of respect for the law, in general...so this should be totally fine."

Yeah, that's not realistic thinking when it comes to God's ordained order and sin's defiance of His will: We don't get to categorically pick apart the Bible and choose which verses apply at which times to which people, as though we don't also sit under the weight of the consequences of all the sin of those which have preceded us, as though the consequences of our own sin won't mar us and all those around us...all though defying God at any point by any one has somehow been excusable as a rational choice. Please don't misinterpret me on this--I am not saying this means that the Levitical code is something which God has called us to explicitly adopt for life, nor any other similar distortion of what Christ clarified during His earthly ministry leading upon to His self-sacrificial atonement for our sin. No, I am not saying that. For the whole of the Word needs to be taken in context of the whole of the Word, prayerfully, to see what it is which He has said about who He is and who we are and what that means.

Which recognition and understanding only comes prayerfully, along one's desire to know truth and His good gift of giving such a thing. This, as an open-handed perusal of His Word--rather than grasping to find means to justify the things our carnal, sinful natures want to do...like grasping for power, grasping for authority, grasping for esteem, for money, for love, for worship, for whatsoever else would put self or other human in the place of seeking and love and submitting to God.

He brings us to repentance though, if we desire Him, and delivers us increasingly to a clearer knowledge of His truth--which isn't unto position of greater self-exaltation. But of greater humility and submission: For knowing more clearly how utterly deserving of destruction we are, for feeling more acutely how sinful and fickle are our hearts, for knowing more clearly the abject truth of His purity and holiness, for recognizing more wholeheartedly the encompassing weight of His omnipotence and omniscience, unto also recognizing in context of these all that we are exceedingly  less wise, less knowledgeable, less powerful, and less entitled to any good thing than ever we may have begun to imagine prior to such burgeoning realizations of the import of His glory and our defiance. Yet in context of reflecting upon Christ's full-atonement for us--remembering His mercies, which are new every day, and that despite the horrors of our defiance He is yet forgiving and interceding for us, too? More clearly recognizing this lattermost, above all--His faithfulness and lovingkindness and long-suffering graciousness to those for whom He gave His own life and resurrected to redeem out of our very defiance against Him--we would ever increasingly be destroyed of ourselves repenting in ashes as did Job, while all the more setting aside whatever might beguile and enchant us in favor of deeper devotion to the One who has secured our allegiance, our redemption, and our hearts for all eternity by His own blood, death, and resurrection, and who yet will deliver us into His presence at the end.

So...looking at what His love has been toward us--and that He desires truthfulness within us and amongst us, as we've been reconciled to Him in and through Truth...

...we can reflect to see that love doesn't turn away from or discard truth. Love does not choose to live in lies, knowing that deception was part of what cost our Beloved the cross He bore, to redeem and free us.

Many other things delight in deviation from truth, though: Imitations of love: Perversions and distortions of it.

But...I remember again more clearly, one of the endeavors I'd repeatedly undertaken over my prior course of defying God was to pursue what I considered "romantic love" as an ideal which purported vast potential of providing some lifelong personal fulfillment: Romance novels I read and Disney movies and fairy tales I cherished promised this, and held it out continually as a panacea for whatever ailed. And not only as panacea, but that someday, someone would esteem me above all others and would propel me to greater heights of self-fulfillment than ever I would have achieved alone. And I didn't care whether those heights consisted of pursuits along my occult lines as gaining deeper insight, power, wisdom, experience, and prestige spiritually, emotionally, and socially...or even if propelled as eventually considered: unto greater financial achievement, more esteemed social standing, or so on..

...regardless, the core desire in such pursuit of so-called "love" was all about self--to be exalted above all others, to be made more than I was alone, to be given greater power, stability, esteem, or to have greater means at my disposal for pursuing my own goals. As part of a duo. All of which is inherently opposed to God's love, thus is not in fact love.

Something which calls itself love yet which is wholly self-exalting and other-debasing--viewing other as a mere commodity--is diametrically opposed to the love Christ showed His bride. Which point of consideration alone indicates that any pursuit along such lines as those ones I had endeavored...is rife with sin--as leads ever unto consequences spiritual, social, interpersonal, and so on: Search the Scriptures to see all the many "case studies" we have regarding what sin reaps. One particular that has come to mind many times recently regards David's son, Amnon. We are told in the Scriptures that David's adultery with Bathsheba and murder of Uriah had fairly direct consequences in the way his children behaved.

As natural consequences.

Israel and Judah's captivities were also natural consequences--specified as curses, such matters were recorded in the Bible's books of Law. We have been given a fair overview of how moral law keeping and breaking impacts us and our society and world, in other words. So again, the core of every matter's course is truly concentric about where our hearts and minds are in relation to God. As even the Levitical codes indicate the destructiveness of sin, distinguishing its deceitfulness and our total inability to be self-righteous--all pointing to Christ and our need for God's grace and mercies in light of the reality of our condition.

Jesus said all the law and prophets can be summed in saying that we are to love God with everything we are. And love our neighbors as ourselves--thinking more highly of them than ourselves, even.

Again--all of which is only possible when we uphold truth, as loving God means desiring to honor and obey Him such that we won't delight in things He cannot even look upon, such as sin. And dishonesty is something He does hate. Which includes pretending to be things we are not and pretending to believe things we do not believe, in order to achieve some self-determined desired effect. Trusting Him in the midst of confusion and proceeding regardless is a different thing. Trusting Him to guide and preserve and restrain oneself in circumstances which are fraught with potential for devastation and which are overwhelming--all while keeping in mind who He is and what He's said and praying He would help us to love those others He's placed us near in ways which honor Him, while seeking to honor Him all the while, as an active walk in faith as trusting He will do the things He has said He will--even if that He will be glorified as we believe Him? That is not walking in hypocrisy, because inherent that is the willingness to humble self as to be honest about such a vulnerability and trust in God. But determining some role to present of oneself--in order to attempt to do something we think a situation may require just to effect a particular, desired change in the situation or in people we're interacting with?--that's still another matter, entirely, since the reference point for all actions and thoughts are one's own understanding perception.

Just...love doesn't deceive. It submits to God and trusts Him for the answers. Love delights in the truth.
Love doesn't seek its own. But for the good of others. Love does not exalt itself and own desires for comfort, ease, security, worship, affection, or any else...but seeks that others would be served according to God's will for them, and not one's own transference of sinful desires onto another person.

So there is love for those who are not the Lord's. Yes, indeed. He loved us and gave Himself for us. While we were yet sinners He loved us and died for us. What and who are we to think we know better than Christ what other people deserve, of our time and lives?

If He ever leads us to lay down our lives for the sake of another, may He give us a heart full of love for Him and compassion toward them that would drive us to call out to Him for their forgiveness even as we perish, even as we also with our final breath would plead with them to turn to Him and be delivered from the wrath to come.

As He said...

“This is My commandment, that you love one another, just as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends." John 15:12-13