If I had acted upon first being convicted of the need to do so, rather than waiting to the point where potential dire events were about to unfold for having compromised against Christ's leading and keeping...
...things perhaps would not be so abrupt. And realistically, yesterday's departure was not as abrupt as it seemed to most--the process occurred over months' worth of private conversations and discussions, and even included a conversation a few weeks back which began with detailing my belief I could not continue involvement. So, though most didn't have notice, it was not entirely absent. But this still hasn't gone in as honorable a way as would have been desirable.
Hopefully, someday I'll be less idolatrous than now, and more quickly heed the Lord's conviction to uphold truth. Though at least this time, there's somewhat less sway to the temptation to be ruled by terror of man.
By grace, only. Trusting matters into the Lord's hands, even when not handled necessarily as well as might have been done...but presently by what feeble, desperate means available I've sought to return to Christ with haste as not to falter further.
And in general besides, I cannot afford to not be well in the Lord--though especially at work...which begins Tuesday, most every week.
Matters there (everywhere) are too dependent upon walking with Christ closely, so not to continually falter nor be consumed and overwhelmed and swayed by various chaos: All's well while walking in the peace of the Lord, with a clear conscience. Not so, otherwise. My role is to be stable in the midst of absolute, ever-shifting uncertainty and sporadic, yet consistent trauma along with engendering an ongoing unveiling of varied darknesses of experience and plight...with the hope of inspiring hope, because there is hope to be had for any of us.
In the midst of chaos, though Christ is often merciful to preserve me despite my distractibility and constant flightiness of heart...turning away from Him for wisdom and strength and peace and guidance is not something to knowingly perpetuate:
Turning from Christ substantially by rationalizing against His conviction...quickly becomes very dangerous, in many ways.
For one, Jesus keeps me from being continually assailed by the encompassing sense of meaningless which compelled toward death that accompanied most of my waking life, prior to coming to know Him as my Lord, guide, shepherd, companion, and Savior King. Prior to wholeheartedly turning to Him and following Him, my life was constant chaos without any stronghold nor hope.
Now, chaos is endured only from within the grasp of my Master's sure, steady hand. He holds me still in the midst of the storm, though it rages and would destroy me if it could. Thoughts of death and of futility which otherwise still would assail...?--all are stricken into abject silence and revealed as the lies which they truly are in light of continual remembrance of Christ, the ongoing joyful fulfillment of His presence, and the wonder of being loved and forgiven and delivered and kept by Him.
So to turn away from Him even slightly, unto relativistic ideas which afford purchase toward that same sense of meaningless which once consumed me?--turning even slightly away from truth opens the door to all those lies, yet again.
Rationalizing away from truth constitutes turning from it, unto lies--no matter how seemingly slight or benign the rationalization. This, as there's only two ways about truth, when it comes to God--there's no false dilemma there. Christ, the authority on all which exists, spoke on these matters--He is the only way, Truth, and Life. Knowing Him, personally, coming to Him, personally...is the only, only way to have forgiveness and life in God. Knowing Him and walking with Him is the only way to experience vital fulfillment, since He is our source of life and meaning...being the fount of all which is good.
Finding fulfillment in Him entails coming to terms with reality, and staying in touch with reality.
Alternately, turning away from Him entails turning toward delusion. The delusions which held me most securely were unto death, so I would rather not turn away from Him.
There are folks I think who would recommend medications for this, instead of directing me to walk uprightly before Christ. Such recommendations come as with limited knowledge of the efficacy and effects of medications: Know little about the neurological and physiological damage associated--unavoidably, as part of the mechanisms involved. Know little or nothing about the "trial periods" which are undergone to find something which "works"--because it's all educated guesswork. All of it is. Even knowing that some medications may work for a while before randomly ceasing to do so, at any instant, without notice, without knowledge of why (understanding of how and why the meds work at all is extremely limited, in context of realizing the limited knowledge of our brains' workings). And...side-effects which are wholly difficult to bear (or deadly) are likely to arise at any point--whether development of seizure disorders, liver or kidney disease, pseudo-Parkinson's disorder, or any manner of things which also may include random death.
And some research is beginning to establish long-term brain damage associated with ongoing use of psychotropic medication as prescribed (not unknown, just hadn't been "established" per research).
Point being, there's often pressure to deal with matters of emotion and temptation and the like by means which don't entail the difficult work of dealing with sin and emotion.
Because that's messy.
Repentance as a primary means for managing "mental illness," though?
Effective, but "messy."
Personally, I'll take it any day over compromising the ability to emote and think clearly. Even if needed alongside variable doses of time in the Bible, time in prayer, time praising, time spent seeking and receiving counsel, time spent under preaching, time spent studying apologetics, time spent pondering the Word of God, time spent witnessing, time spent reflecting on what the Lord has done, and time spent serving according to His guidance. ...all which constitute my "personal medicine."
Jesus is my recovery. And when I start stepping against Him, that is compromised.
Which means that things which have to be kept out of life are also just as vital to my wellness in the Lord as those things which must be a part of my life. For instance--I can't do movies or tv. Periodically, taking a client to a movie retains enough a boundary constituted by a restriction to very infrequent exposure that it's not too overwhelmingly upending or consuming. But Tv?--avoided as best as possible. Otherwise these things consume me to the exclusion of those involvements which keep me well.
Likewise, of secular music--takes me down dark paths, generally. And Secular writings do as well, except perused very passingly as part of research in context of considering the Lord's work and our condition.
Interaction with those who do not know the Lord is a heart-breaking endeavor. It must remain on terms which don't otherwise do damage to my wellness in Christ by distracting from Him...at this point only within very strict domains. So, no bars. No movies. No group, secular entertainments. Maybe someday He'll lead otherwise, but for now?--no.
Also, no alcohol--period. Because I have been delivered from alcoholism--previously, one of the most consuming influences of my life. I will not tempt that--but by grace. The Lord keeps me in this, because I know I haven't the sense to keep myself...except to be reminded again and again what indulging the littlest bit of temptation can do in terms of largely capitulating into a full-blown consumption.
Likewise go matters of involvement in affairs which constitute or entail rationalizing against God's Word (not as though I've been fully conformed to His Word, but am striving toward Him--by grace, if oft haphazardly).
Which doesn't make sense to many, maybe.
And this recent matter has been concerning on multiple fronts--not only rationalizing against His Word. I've also been failing those whom I've been asked to lead by leading them into error per my own, silent acceptance of publicly espoused falsehood (no matter how briefly).
One of my direst pitfalls again and again has been to honor the word of men whom I respect above the Word of God. The previous church was as this--I was very near to the point of needing hospitalization before finally committing before the Lord and man that it was my heart's desire to pursue Christ at any cost, even if it meant everyone mocked me or considered me unsaved.
And again, that had been the case last year with a couple who very graciously welcomed me to their home for prayer, then for fellowship, then for camaraderie--gradually opening up to me about their theology and pursuit of new apostolic teachings, unto the point that I was being blatantly tempted to re-enter occult practices. My point of capitulation in returning to the Lord was against my high regard for them and love for them and respect for their kindness toward me, especially. I was both terrified and utterly destroyed to finally be compelled by love of Christ and of them to discuss the nature of the theology being espoused--being in contradiction to the Gospel, for exalting man and exalting spiritual power above submission to God. And I pleaded with them multiple times, as concisely and coherently as the Lord gave grace for me to do. But no receipt.
So this, now. Yesterday's email. Following conversations of weeks ago. And prior.
The Lord started more openly convicting me of these recent matters a few months ago--prior to attempts to privately address concerns, blatantly.
Conviction came in the presence of a woman who openly professes Mormonism yet claims Christianity, while with children who are her kin and who attend an evangelical church for now. I found myself in a position before God and those children of upholding Mormonism as Christian per my silence on the matter when it was being discussed as being a Christian equivalent to the evangelical church they were attending. I was simultaneously being identified as Christian to these children. All of this constituted an evidence that Mormonism is Christianity, being expressly acknowledged as true per the non-dissenting silence of a professing believer. My silence constituted assent. And I was bereft.
I wanted to weep, on the spot. But the Lord gave grace to have at least one small matter of dissent stated, otherwise, for the consideration of all present.
Of this present matter dealt with so abruptly last night...it's been the same.
I don't like these things.
I don't like them one bit.
I would rather go crawl under a rock.
But there are bugs there. And I don't care for the idea of being surrounded by bugs. Because they creep, and they crawl, and they bite. So I won't. Though I would want to do so.
Just...when the choice is between defying God and defying man...though I haven't the strength apart from the Lord to proceed, still I would defer to Him and trust Him to guide and guard me from whatever comes. It's only cost me physical assault once. And the Lord gave grace to endure that, so the hatred and mockery that has otherwise sometimes come...though it hurts, too, is also under His guard.
For love of the Lord and love of others, there's no other good way. Though I don't know well how to proceed or what to do, I trust Him. And though things at present might seem rash to many, they aren't aware of the months of prayer. Nor aware of the multiple conversations. Nor aware of all the times I've sought counsel.
So, it's what it is. I entrust these matters and dear people to the Lord. I can't do otherwise. I haven't wisdom or ability to effect any good. The Lord alone does. And it's by His Word alone that truth will be cherished as known. Knowing Him.
Just hoping and praying He has mercy on us all and will convict of truth and of sin and of righteousness. That's enough. More than. For He delivers.
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