Committing to the Lord is a huge matter. My life isn't my own. None of ours is, truly--idolatry paints a different picture, is all. We're called to take up our cross and follow Christ, though. If we would have life. If we would walk in the light--the realization of and recognition of and deference to truth.
Much lately has been concentric about the idea of what walking in the light means, versus the darkness. Having minds darkened, et al? (Ephesians 4:18, and surrounding verses)
The deceitfulness of sin is unto delusion, regarding the reality of God's sovereignty and our sufficiency and satisfaction being found in truly worshipping, submitting to, and honoring Him...and honoring others from that position--foremost, of deference to the reality of God's preeminence.
I have circumstances at present which are utterly beyond my ability to even conceive of how to navigate in a way which is honoring to God and all parties involved. His Word is straightforward, or at least seems straightforward on the matters at hand...but when I've sought counsel, I've received conflicting interpretations. So, I'm waiting upon the Lord for guidance. While knowing my own insufficiency keenly, especially as matters could easily turn horribly badly quite quickly apart from God's ongoing deliverance. I am not sufficient, on any front. If I were foolish enough to think myself strong to withstand the temptation to capitulate to sin, I would fall entirely and quickly.
As it is, I've been on the edge. And I don't like it, one iota.
I want to just run away from everything on all fronts, entirely. So that at least the present circumstances would no longer be a trial.
But I keep praying, because having received conflicting interpretations of God's Word and being in the throes of temptation, myself...I don't know what else to do but continue submitting my heart and my thoughts before the Lord, asking for deliverance and for correction and for Him to guard and guide me.
One of the temptations (of all so many) involves the idea that I can just "toy" with the thoughts of re-entering old patterns of act and thought without that being detrimental. As though if I only seriously consider re-entering modes of being which are detestable to the One whom I love above all...then somehow that wouldn't be a stumbling block in my relationship with Christ. As though I could think on and desire and contemplate "the utility and the benefit" of matters which intrinsically drive a wedge between me and the Lord, within my own heart, yet without that being problematic.
No. Just no.
The reality is that if I give my heart and mind over to dwelling continually on even just the possibility or desirability of returning to practices and modes of being which are in opposition to the Lord, then my heart turns colder toward Him, my mind less attuned to the truth of His far greater desirability for all matters.
Yet temptation insists that other matters would be desirable. By insisting that matters such as that of a false union based on some shared ideology (which intrinsically sets aside the Word of God) consisting, to some degree, of a passionate pursuit of shared understanding and thereupon exalted commonality of human interest (eg., humanitarian aid: good works unto peace, justice, wellness of all members of society by any human means)...comprising an ardent pursuit of some agreed upon matter which itself seems righteous and good...that surely the "good" that would be wrought would justify the means, the compromise of truth, the refusal to submit to God's edict that we are not to be unequally yoked.
Likewise...such temptations as this also insist that surely God would not be too dishonored, if I resolved to quietly pray for Him to work in the midst of circumstances while nonetheless proceeding in unhindered interactions with those whom I know profess Him as God while otherwise refusing submission to His sovereignty over their lives, while refraining from speaking up to remark upon the disparity between profession and relationship with truth.
I've been sorely disturbed over this. Over insistence that charismatic ideology allows for soundness on any front--especially when, in context of my discussion with those who inspired deepest concerns, the doctrines of Word of Faith and Prosperity Gospel ideologies were yet again identified as core components of charismatic practices.
Soothing words and good intentions have been internally heeded many times to reconstitute and marginalize my concerns and conviction of truth to the point that I have increasingly continued to compromise, internally, on what it means to pursue and love Christ...and others...by contending openly for truth before God and man, for the sake of loving each.
[various statements redacted to attempt to retroactively honor more wholly]
It's not possible to compromise on one front without that edging in elsewhere, also.
Please pray for me, that I would honor the Lord in these matters. I do not want to dishonor the elders nor those others involved in leadership, nor those involved in the group. And yet my concerns have been effectively set aside, again and again, apparently perceived as being divisive to otherwise address them.
And again, having continued in prayer and waiting upon the Lord in this matter...with continued involvement in the group, having not consistently publicly addressed concerns...I find myself increasingly also compromising in other areas of life--to extents which would end up being vitally destructive unless culled.
So I am asking mercy from the Lord in this matter and pleading His guidance yet again in how to proceed honorably before Him and man.
I have just realized the havoc wreaked in myself and my walk with the Lord, from these matters. And I do not want to continue down this path away from Christ. Perhaps now is the time to write a letter, as such.
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