Friday, September 30, 2016
Thursday, September 29, 2016
My Utmost for His Highest, Sept. 30
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Just been sharing them lately because...yeah--just, wow. Indeed.
Just been sharing them lately because...yeah--just, wow. Indeed.
Reinforcement is Nice
All these images were taken across an area spanning perhaps 15 miles, over an hour and a half's time this afternoon...there was one more, too, but it's so faint in the picture, I'm keeping it (and a few other things, similarly) to myself.
Also, it's possible the last two photos are of one which was becoming brighter, unto the extent of the last image--not sure, but it's in the same area...about 10 minutes' loss of sight of the phenomenon, between images...and a different perspective, too. So, maybe?
Regardless--every time one disappeared, another appeared. the entire drive back to garage at end of workday. And I stopped for a few minutes seeing the first double (I'm permitted 15 minute break). And stayed until the last ones had all but entirely disappeared. Otherwise, it wouldn't have been nearly an hour and a half's time.
But, then, if I hadn't waited a while with the first one, perhaps the others would not have been as they were. And if it hadn't taken so long inside the garage, and to get to the rooftop...maybe I'd have missed that one, too.
I almost didn't go onto the rooftop, yesterday afternoon--didn't even think twice, today. Told the Lord He could show me on the drive, yesterday, though--I didn't feel like going up there. Didn't want to. Too dejected and just done. But, turned around and went back up, anyway.
Glad of it. Glad of taking the time, today, too.
I really need to calm down and just trust the Lord, already.
It's the little things, sometimes. Because, seriously, unless things are spelled out in explicit detail, I will doubt my interpretation to the extent that anything perceived loses meaning with a quickness unless it's overt. That tendency to discard perception partially is due to tendency to also discount a good deal of what's perceive just because it's not necessary to take to heart as constituting a passing thing, not representative of general being. Just "chance" or "passing" things, in other words. Between the two--doubting interpretation when there's any leeway for multiple and discarding what's not blatantly obvious as intended...tends to make for a lot of uncertainty. So, getting an hour+ worth of continual, following, visible reminders that He remembers all the many things--really, a visible, present-tense reminder of His love? That seriously helps. And if I were less of a wretch, such things would probably entirely cinch me to a place of utmost trust and abject reliance. Rather than still continuing to fear.
I do believe, Lord--please help my unbelief.
Whatever comes or goes, He won't forsake.
I know this. I rest in it, in the midst of uncertainty.
He will do the things. He will work the change.
It's His will that matters--howsoever He wills.
Then, so be it.
I'm probably not going to continue to share the things He gives, such as these. It's not generally a right or good thing to do, being so sacred and utmost precious. But for the moment, though. Just for the moment. Then, to whatever end He wills.
There's definitely a weird sort of line to walk, in sharing so relatively openly--not wanting to devalue or undermine or unduly exalt or the like. There's enough tendency toward arrogance and self-congratulatory speech and regard, in general, so sharing at all openly here...is a tightrope walk. And I fail sometimes.
But I trust the Lord to do as He will, regardless. This space has been a place to share what He's given, without self-conscious restraint. And self-consciousness that gives toward restrictive anxiety has definitely taken a stand, time and again...but it doesn't win.
Because I want to glorify Him, and tell of what He's done for me, tell of who He is. And even when that means making in-any-way-plain my own wretchedness, then may His mercies and love be magnified for being lavished on such as wretch as me.
Jesus is my reason for getting up in the morning. He's the reason I leave the house. He's the reason I love others, even if so imperfectly still. And He's the reason I want to become more gracious and gentle and loving and kind.
I want to be like Him, because He is so absolutely wonderful and it makes my heart thrill just to think of being nearer Him. But, between the here and now and the eventual complete conformation...there's a lot of ick.
Just...will keep striving toward Him. And whatever He would will, as means to draw out of sin--all the while seeking He would shed light on what there is which doesn't please Him. Because I don't know, unless He makes it clear through His Word and by His Spirit. It doesn't compute, until He sheds light.
He will. He does. And I'll keep waiting, in the meantimes.
By grace and through faith.
But getting reinforcement from Him, receiving encouragement and confirmation--yes, please.
So, thank You, Lord. Thank You. =)
I will tell of the things that You have done for me.
Thank You.
A Song: Gold - Ronnie Freeman
Would perhaps have been slightly more quirkily appropriate to post this with the pic taken yesterday evening...
But, regardless:
And I could probably post the Utmost for His Highest daily devotionals every day without feeling terribly out of place...but, eh. Not today.
Need spend slightly more time reading, then go do the things...whatever they are. I only know one upcoming, so far. So, should be interesting. Or, wait...no, I know three of the things. Okay. Maybe four. And, oh yeah...I forgot about the rest which is known, too. So, yeah. Many things. Much with driving and music, too. =) Yay for driving! Visiting a neighboring county most of the day, as far as presently aware.
But, regardless:
And I could probably post the Utmost for His Highest daily devotionals every day without feeling terribly out of place...but, eh. Not today.
Need spend slightly more time reading, then go do the things...whatever they are. I only know one upcoming, so far. So, should be interesting. Or, wait...no, I know three of the things. Okay. Maybe four. And, oh yeah...I forgot about the rest which is known, too. So, yeah. Many things. Much with driving and music, too. =) Yay for driving! Visiting a neighboring county most of the day, as far as presently aware.
Wednesday, September 28, 2016
Monied Things: To Honor Him with Finances?
Revelation 21:4-5
And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away. And he that sat upon the throne said, Behold, I make all things new. And he said unto me, Write: for these words are true and faithful.
We are new creations in Christ Jesus. Being born again into life in Christ means that we become new wine skins that can receive the new wine that brings courage to live for Him! It's not just the earth and heavens that pass away one day, it is also pain and suffering. Our experience as residents of God's Holy City, the New Jerusalem, will be completely different than our experience on earth. 1 Corinthians 13:12 says, "For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known." (NIV)
Verse/Commentary courtesy of 'Verse-A-Day' app.
http://www.verse-a-day.com/
...
So...in lieu of continuing to grieve something which hasn't even come to pass...and rather than continuing to berate myself publicly for things otherwise grievous...
...another thing which has been on my mind, lately, still: finances.
For the past few weeks, there's been something of God-honoring financial responsibility. To such extent that the Lord has even restored the joy of giving (*insert happy dance*).
Sometimes, I think it would be nice to be able to just give everything. But some things are useful, still, in seeking and serving the Lord. And He hasn't recently prompted me to give most things away.
Like this computer I'm using, for instance--a few months ago, He prompted me to give it away and I prepared to...then, after making all the accommodations necessary for giving, He let me keep it. And made it clear that I'm not to look to it as a lifeline or cling to it as a means to an end, in itself. If it becomes an idol, He will take it.
And there've been a couple times when He's asked me to give the car away, but then made other provisions for people and allowed me to keep the vehicle. This also effected the understanding that the car is His and if He asks it be given, then ultimately it will be. And I've had more than a suitcase's worth of clothing for a little over a year now--some bit of varied clothing has proven very useful for daily life in the work He's given me to do. And there are numerous other bits and pieces, odds and ends, which are presently fine to retain for use.
So there are a numerous things I don't presently feel prompted to give.
But it's always such a blessing to be able to offer anything before the Lord, for love of Christ and of others whom He's graced me with the privilege of being alongside in any capacity.
Clinging to things just gets messy and destructive and icky and leads to all sorts of financial mismanagement, for me--clinging has continually led to reaching out to clutch onto even more things. Problem is, I tend to cling to things instead of the Lord.
Along which lines, I'd really like to not have control of the money that comes into my possession. Which is not at all realistic--but I've been asking about it for a few months, now, regardless.
So...rather than being realistic, I'm going to write that all out as it's been loosely considered for the past many months, and increasingly, still:
Before starting my present ministry to the Lord (Every job is as such, even if it's not formal employment--we're called to glorify God and do things as unto Him, regardless what we're doing. He places us where He would have us...and it's always possible to praise Him for the ability and opportunity and results, if nothing else. Whatever we do, then, is a service--a ministry--to the Lord.)...
...yes, so...
...before being placed in present position, I'd started experiencing some pretty intense longings to be quit of handling money and just have what need be, so to live on a day-to-day basis.
Then, starting the present position, I learned there are actually people who do that for folks--for folks who've been deemed incapable of responsibly and safely handling their own finances (I nominate myself, wholeheartedly, but it would be kind of awkward to ask my boss if I could receive services--still praying about it, for real, but coming to terms with that being a wholly unacceptable scenario).
Payees, though.
I keep thinking about how awesome it would be to have a Payee--someone who was in complete control of any money that comes to me. I only need enough for daily provisions and monthly bills--of which, there's a not-insubstantial but not-crippling amount of credit card debt which could be cleared out within less than two years, at present rate--but, the rest could just go wherever. Some small bit toward savings, perhaps, for instances such as need for tires or other irregular expenditures.
But even paying things adequately well...thing is, if I use monies responsibly, there'll still be additional funds, given present income.
And I just don't want to save it, is the thing. It doesn't line up with certain things, and I don't have peace with it, personally.
So I should be giving some regular amount to churches? Serious conflicts over this, and I've fallen out of practice--still praying for guidance. But Paul seemed most concerned about sharing with those who had need rather than sending a set amount toward the place of congregation, is all--"those who gather much have none left over, and those who gather little have enough"...although Paul did also mention giving money toward supporting those who live per preaching Christ, too. But, eh. Things. Prayer.
Unfortunately, part of my problem has been that as long as I have access to monies, I tended to abuse access (for reference, see: credit card debt).
That's not good. So, I'm continuing to pray for help. And the "envelope system" just doesn't appeal--I lose things too easily. Debit cards and the like can be replaced, at least.
I've just been failing on all fronts with finances, for life. So, although the idea of having someone else help is ultimately unrealistic (given my circumstances, at least), it remains a very hopeful notion. Especially having found out there are folks who actually do provide that sort of service. I'm going to keep praying.
And as far as what to do with "excess" monies--however the Lord leads would be fine.
Like, there's one lady I know who needs a car, and that may be a thing. Who knows? It probably won't be mentioned again. And for having been mentioned, there's a good possibility it won't be something I have anything to do with, whatsoever. But I've been asking the Lord about it--if not me, then someone. But, if me, then I would seriously need the Lord to help in saving to that end. If it were His will, He'd have to orchestrate the entire process--I am wholly incapable, and "good intentions" are destructive apart from God's manifest grace, regardless.
I'm just done, though. My finances are as much a wreck as is the rest of my life.
The Lord now holds the pieces, at least--an incalculable difference from life prior.
It's unrealistic to hope to avoid having control of the cash I get through employment, though. I know that. But I still want it, regardless.
That would be a whole other level of surrender, for reals, though.
Part of what troubles me most about my finances is knowing that I've been buying things which aren't necessary, when there are greater needs (like...even paying off debt). That doesn't mean there's call to be tightfisted or stingy and never use funds for enjoyable or uncommon uses, though--it's good to get music which glorifies God and draws nearer Him through worship, for instance. Very good use of funds, periodic.
And art things would be, too. And books. And visits to park. And whatsoever else would be a means of enjoying the blessings He's bestowed in a way which doesn't dishonor Him and which still constitutes reasonable stewardship.
But not constantly going out and getting cheese-sticks and pizza. Not buying a new pair of shoes every week. Not any similar-type excessive, utterly reckless spending.
Eh.
I'll continue praying for direction and for help. And I'm going to keep asking this all: I would like someone to hand my money over to, in full, but regardless whether that's a thing He's willing to orchestrate and lead me into, I need Him to seriously help me do the things, myself, in a way which honors Him. Even, rather, I need Him to continue helping me do the things in a way which honors Him, as have gone the past few weeks (for the most part).
I'd prefer He provide me with both, though. But that's not up to me.
Money is just so weird, though. It comes and goes--ebbs and flows. And when it's all gone, at some point more comes. And when all of that's gone and only credit remains, then credit has been used, and eventually money comes again. Which--yeah, employment for pay is the largest source of flow in that process, but it's not been the only source. And it has been difficult to trust for sufficiency sometimes between experiencing lack and receiving provision--oh, indeed, that's sometimes been a trial--but the Lord has been faithful again and again and again.
All my life, He's been faithful--even while I was living in utter depravity, still He provided for me in so many ways. Devastating, to learn about that, in particular.
But He's been faithful. He is faithful. And I want to be faithful with what He allots to me. But I'm often not, which is both frustrating and upsetting.
The past few weeks, though--the temptation to go shopping for needless things has been replaced with other activity. And with a lot of praise, and just spending time with the Lord.
Like today, I had it out with the Lord over another old habit. And He responded to my capitulation to self-destructiveness in a way that made it far more desirable to stop--for the sake of love of Him, desire not to grieve Him.
So, no more.
If and when I do grieve, I'll go to Him and He'll endure with me.
That's more than enough.
And along that same line, maybe the biggest part of financial mismanagement is needing to remain more keenly focused on loving the Lord and striving to please Him, continually. Though there's definitely something about remaining inclined to share the blessings He's lavished which makes that all the easier.
Either way, I'm not going to worry about this all, right now--I've got far more distressing things to worry about which I'm just not right now, because it's far beyond enough to just be here, alive and blessed to know Christ, right now. And when worry comes again, then He'll get me through. I can't, after all.
I can only deal with anxiety for so long before I just give up, is all. That's probably really where I should stay--but I so fail at trusting the Lord. For which reason, I am sooooo sooo glad Jesus is patient. And so grateful He's faithful. I'm so glad He's my Shepherd.
Oh, yes.
And I'm so, so exceedingly glad He understands. I'm glad He doesn't condone, but that He leads me to change...in His strength, though--not mine. He is my strength.
I'm just so glad He's longsuffering toward me and so grateful His mercies are new every day.
Do not want grieve Him, is all. And yet, again and again, it happens.
And not only Him, unfortunately.
All I can do is give up and ask forgiveness.
And trust the Lord to keep me, whatever comes.
Even when that works out as failing at life in general, and starting over every few minutes by asking His help to just survive the moment. Then, well enough.
I am supposed to rest in Him, though, as it goes.
So, Lord?...help, pls?
I no good at this.
Yet, You--You are capable of all things.
Hlp pls?
And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away. And he that sat upon the throne said, Behold, I make all things new. And he said unto me, Write: for these words are true and faithful.
We are new creations in Christ Jesus. Being born again into life in Christ means that we become new wine skins that can receive the new wine that brings courage to live for Him! It's not just the earth and heavens that pass away one day, it is also pain and suffering. Our experience as residents of God's Holy City, the New Jerusalem, will be completely different than our experience on earth. 1 Corinthians 13:12 says, "For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known." (NIV)
Verse/Commentary courtesy of 'Verse-A-Day' app.
http://www.verse-a-day.com/
...
So...in lieu of continuing to grieve something which hasn't even come to pass...and rather than continuing to berate myself publicly for things otherwise grievous...
...another thing which has been on my mind, lately, still: finances.
For the past few weeks, there's been something of God-honoring financial responsibility. To such extent that the Lord has even restored the joy of giving (*insert happy dance*).
Sometimes, I think it would be nice to be able to just give everything. But some things are useful, still, in seeking and serving the Lord. And He hasn't recently prompted me to give most things away.
Like this computer I'm using, for instance--a few months ago, He prompted me to give it away and I prepared to...then, after making all the accommodations necessary for giving, He let me keep it. And made it clear that I'm not to look to it as a lifeline or cling to it as a means to an end, in itself. If it becomes an idol, He will take it.
And there've been a couple times when He's asked me to give the car away, but then made other provisions for people and allowed me to keep the vehicle. This also effected the understanding that the car is His and if He asks it be given, then ultimately it will be. And I've had more than a suitcase's worth of clothing for a little over a year now--some bit of varied clothing has proven very useful for daily life in the work He's given me to do. And there are numerous other bits and pieces, odds and ends, which are presently fine to retain for use.
So there are a numerous things I don't presently feel prompted to give.
But it's always such a blessing to be able to offer anything before the Lord, for love of Christ and of others whom He's graced me with the privilege of being alongside in any capacity.
Clinging to things just gets messy and destructive and icky and leads to all sorts of financial mismanagement, for me--clinging has continually led to reaching out to clutch onto even more things. Problem is, I tend to cling to things instead of the Lord.
Along which lines, I'd really like to not have control of the money that comes into my possession. Which is not at all realistic--but I've been asking about it for a few months, now, regardless.
So...rather than being realistic, I'm going to write that all out as it's been loosely considered for the past many months, and increasingly, still:
Before starting my present ministry to the Lord (Every job is as such, even if it's not formal employment--we're called to glorify God and do things as unto Him, regardless what we're doing. He places us where He would have us...and it's always possible to praise Him for the ability and opportunity and results, if nothing else. Whatever we do, then, is a service--a ministry--to the Lord.)...
...yes, so...
...before being placed in present position, I'd started experiencing some pretty intense longings to be quit of handling money and just have what need be, so to live on a day-to-day basis.
Then, starting the present position, I learned there are actually people who do that for folks--for folks who've been deemed incapable of responsibly and safely handling their own finances (I nominate myself, wholeheartedly, but it would be kind of awkward to ask my boss if I could receive services--still praying about it, for real, but coming to terms with that being a wholly unacceptable scenario).
Payees, though.
I keep thinking about how awesome it would be to have a Payee--someone who was in complete control of any money that comes to me. I only need enough for daily provisions and monthly bills--of which, there's a not-insubstantial but not-crippling amount of credit card debt which could be cleared out within less than two years, at present rate--but, the rest could just go wherever. Some small bit toward savings, perhaps, for instances such as need for tires or other irregular expenditures.
But even paying things adequately well...thing is, if I use monies responsibly, there'll still be additional funds, given present income.
And I just don't want to save it, is the thing. It doesn't line up with certain things, and I don't have peace with it, personally.
So I should be giving some regular amount to churches? Serious conflicts over this, and I've fallen out of practice--still praying for guidance. But Paul seemed most concerned about sharing with those who had need rather than sending a set amount toward the place of congregation, is all--"those who gather much have none left over, and those who gather little have enough"...although Paul did also mention giving money toward supporting those who live per preaching Christ, too. But, eh. Things. Prayer.
Unfortunately, part of my problem has been that as long as I have access to monies, I tended to abuse access (for reference, see: credit card debt).
That's not good. So, I'm continuing to pray for help. And the "envelope system" just doesn't appeal--I lose things too easily. Debit cards and the like can be replaced, at least.
I've just been failing on all fronts with finances, for life. So, although the idea of having someone else help is ultimately unrealistic (given my circumstances, at least), it remains a very hopeful notion. Especially having found out there are folks who actually do provide that sort of service. I'm going to keep praying.
And as far as what to do with "excess" monies--however the Lord leads would be fine.
Like, there's one lady I know who needs a car, and that may be a thing. Who knows? It probably won't be mentioned again. And for having been mentioned, there's a good possibility it won't be something I have anything to do with, whatsoever. But I've been asking the Lord about it--if not me, then someone. But, if me, then I would seriously need the Lord to help in saving to that end. If it were His will, He'd have to orchestrate the entire process--I am wholly incapable, and "good intentions" are destructive apart from God's manifest grace, regardless.
I'm just done, though. My finances are as much a wreck as is the rest of my life.
The Lord now holds the pieces, at least--an incalculable difference from life prior.
It's unrealistic to hope to avoid having control of the cash I get through employment, though. I know that. But I still want it, regardless.
That would be a whole other level of surrender, for reals, though.
Part of what troubles me most about my finances is knowing that I've been buying things which aren't necessary, when there are greater needs (like...even paying off debt). That doesn't mean there's call to be tightfisted or stingy and never use funds for enjoyable or uncommon uses, though--it's good to get music which glorifies God and draws nearer Him through worship, for instance. Very good use of funds, periodic.
And art things would be, too. And books. And visits to park. And whatsoever else would be a means of enjoying the blessings He's bestowed in a way which doesn't dishonor Him and which still constitutes reasonable stewardship.
But not constantly going out and getting cheese-sticks and pizza. Not buying a new pair of shoes every week. Not any similar-type excessive, utterly reckless spending.
Eh.
I'll continue praying for direction and for help. And I'm going to keep asking this all: I would like someone to hand my money over to, in full, but regardless whether that's a thing He's willing to orchestrate and lead me into, I need Him to seriously help me do the things, myself, in a way which honors Him. Even, rather, I need Him to continue helping me do the things in a way which honors Him, as have gone the past few weeks (for the most part).
I'd prefer He provide me with both, though. But that's not up to me.
Money is just so weird, though. It comes and goes--ebbs and flows. And when it's all gone, at some point more comes. And when all of that's gone and only credit remains, then credit has been used, and eventually money comes again. Which--yeah, employment for pay is the largest source of flow in that process, but it's not been the only source. And it has been difficult to trust for sufficiency sometimes between experiencing lack and receiving provision--oh, indeed, that's sometimes been a trial--but the Lord has been faithful again and again and again.
All my life, He's been faithful--even while I was living in utter depravity, still He provided for me in so many ways. Devastating, to learn about that, in particular.
But He's been faithful. He is faithful. And I want to be faithful with what He allots to me. But I'm often not, which is both frustrating and upsetting.
The past few weeks, though--the temptation to go shopping for needless things has been replaced with other activity. And with a lot of praise, and just spending time with the Lord.
Like today, I had it out with the Lord over another old habit. And He responded to my capitulation to self-destructiveness in a way that made it far more desirable to stop--for the sake of love of Him, desire not to grieve Him.
So, no more.
If and when I do grieve, I'll go to Him and He'll endure with me.
That's more than enough.
And along that same line, maybe the biggest part of financial mismanagement is needing to remain more keenly focused on loving the Lord and striving to please Him, continually. Though there's definitely something about remaining inclined to share the blessings He's lavished which makes that all the easier.
Either way, I'm not going to worry about this all, right now--I've got far more distressing things to worry about which I'm just not right now, because it's far beyond enough to just be here, alive and blessed to know Christ, right now. And when worry comes again, then He'll get me through. I can't, after all.
I can only deal with anxiety for so long before I just give up, is all. That's probably really where I should stay--but I so fail at trusting the Lord. For which reason, I am sooooo sooo glad Jesus is patient. And so grateful He's faithful. I'm so glad He's my Shepherd.
Oh, yes.
And I'm so, so exceedingly glad He understands. I'm glad He doesn't condone, but that He leads me to change...in His strength, though--not mine. He is my strength.
I'm just so glad He's longsuffering toward me and so grateful His mercies are new every day.
Do not want grieve Him, is all. And yet, again and again, it happens.
And not only Him, unfortunately.
All I can do is give up and ask forgiveness.
And trust the Lord to keep me, whatever comes.
Even when that works out as failing at life in general, and starting over every few minutes by asking His help to just survive the moment. Then, well enough.
I am supposed to rest in Him, though, as it goes.
So, Lord?...help, pls?
I no good at this.
Yet, You--You are capable of all things.
Hlp pls?
My Utmost for His Highest, Sept. 28...and Stuff.
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He knows what's right and good to have. And He won't allow anything to come in the way of His work, ultimately.
Otherwise, Paul couldn't have said that He will complete the work He's begun in us.
And there's whole debate about whether salvation can be "lost." If it is in fact salvation in Christ, then He is the keeper. It seems the truest test of this is whether we're brought into His presence, blameless, at the end time--brought as one made acceptable in Christ, Himself.
Do we trust Him, though? Or ourselves?
That continues to be my biggest battle, especially when painful things come which make absolutely no sense--whether come of sin or of unforeseen circumstance. Do I trust the pain, which claims I had ought allow resentment and hardness a place in my heart to protect against further damage? Or do I trust the Lord, whose constant comfort seeks to soothe in the midst of the pain--all the while lifting my chin and reminding of the song in my heart? He draws me to rejoice, singing with a song made richer for resounding of His goodness in the midst of grief. But do I sing?
Or even praise quietly, yet weeping? And learning to be still.
I am so confused. On so many fronts.
I have been so very accomplished at being wrong.
Lord, have mercy.
Tuesday, September 27, 2016
My Utmost for His Highest - Daily Devotion, Sept. 27
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Monday, September 26, 2016
Loosely Considering the Ravages of Fear
Fear is more problematic than previously realized. Not only does it inspire running away, but also strange responses. And strange interpretations of events.
Fear doesn't respond nor perceive through love, is the problem. Fear responds hastily, expecting difficulty and pain and suspicion. Fear strikes out, self-defensively, pre-emptively...expecting harm. Fear is self-preserving, wretchedly.
And fear casts a pall of suspicion over all things. Fear is suspicious of self as well as others--incapable of discerning what's right or good, of either, as inherently not focused on the Lord.
Fear started at home, for me. Fear is what first inspired desperation to respond to others in any way which was most likely to please--as to avoid pain. Fear inspired that sort of duplicity and manipulation, initially as a child. And what started at home was continued in public.
I kept quiet to avoid ridicule or pain. Conforming to perceived expectations, out of fear of derision, harm, and to avoid mockery. I got to a point of mocking others, even...to be part of the "crowd" when possible, to avoid being the object of mockery.
And I also lashed out on my own--especially hurting the people nearest to me, out of anger, confusion, and pain. As a child, initially. Being abused, I became abusive.
And I don't remember how young I was, when I resolved never to have children--just so they'd never have to go through what I did, especially seeing how much I hurt my siblings, already. Better never to have children than put them through that. In my own strength, I'm not capable of refraining from being harmful.
And marriage was never even seriously considered an option--inconceivable. But the couple times it had been passingly mentioned as a possibility...taken seriously enough to prompt me to leave the abusive, destructive situations surrounding.
I never stopped hoping for companionship. I just stopped hoping to actually find any which wasn't inherently destructive. The thought on the whole deal, a couple months ago, was "no one in their right mind would have anything to do with me." And, that...in context of also appreciating that Jesus wants me, regardless.
He just happens to have more grace, love, and patience than anyone on earth. I mess up a lot. And if He counted all the times I've been straight up harsh with Him--out of fear, impatience, willfulness, and even (shamefully) testing the limits with Him to see at what point He'll lash out, in return...if He held all that against me, there would be no hope for me.
Problem is, I've still got it ingrained that at some point, harm will come and keep coming. So, in my warped mind, it's better to have it all out from the outset. So, I've pushed the Lord. He's let me. And He hasn't treated me harshly or turned His back on me, as part of it all. If He had, I would have been destroyed. But since He hasn't, I've still been devastated--just in a different way, learning to trust again, and to hope in Him.
Part of the problem has also been that when circumstances or relationships with other people haven't been actively harmful--I tend to take the liberty of harming myself or actively seeking out damage, just to maintain the "status quo." So I don't get used to not being in pain, you know? It's a lot more difficult going back to pain, having experienced a moment of peace. And it's a lot more difficult returning to isolation, having experienced a moment of fellowship (in itself, almost enough to prompt not to continue fellowship--just as not to go through the process of becoming accustomed again, over and over).
Used to be a joke to me, though, that I "excelled at bad decision-making--if it's a bad idea, then I'd do it."
I sought out destruction. I was self-destructive, accustomed to harm, and so all my relationships with other people were destructive--they supported me in my tendency to harm, enabled me at the very least. And even the ones which were mercifully interspersed to "pick up the pieces" every time I fell apart? Still, inherent destructive as not directing me to Christ but only enabling me to continue destroying myself. And pretty much all of my acquaintanceships centered around drinking alcohol or around that particular lifestyle. It was the go-to means of numbing the pain. Crippling.
I really considered myself "principled," too, all the while. That's one thing that's been most painful to come to terms with, in realizing the Lord has been aware of all my deeds, in process. I have grieved Him, so many times.
And it absolutely destroys me, to think on that. Especially now, in terms of present interactions. I know I'm accepted in Christ. I know I'm made acceptable in Him. Yet, I still do grieve His Spirit when I listen to and act out of fear rather than love, to the harm of others. And even to the detriment of myself.
All I know to do is throw myself on His mercy, again and again. And beg that He'll lead me in how to proceed. More time with the Lord again--seems to be what He's indicating. And all or any else only beside that. Balance.
And I keep wondering about when the first I'd come under suspicion of lying was, and accused of being manipulative. When I answered, yesterday, it was in terms of since having come to know Christ.
But it really started with my first romantic relationship. There were harsh consequences for suspicion, and eventually I stopped even trying to correct against misperceptions and just endured the pain--it came more quickly that way, but at least the buildup was briefer, less painful.
Being suspected of things which aren't true and told you're a liar, continually and for years, with harsh punishments for telling the truth and suspicion continued regardless...eventually does have a way of making even the truth seem suspicious. I don't trust myself, in other words. And it doesn't help that when I get anxious (which is still pretty much always--but especially when interacting with people I care about), I have a hard time processing and remembering details. Which, I just don't know what to do. I could go back, after the fact, continually...and correct myself when additional details come to mind. Or just wait for another moment, and hope to be able to remember, then.
Anyways. I don't know.
But as goes the aforementioned relationship--again, I was duplicitous and manipulative, per attempt to control my emotions and actions and speech sufficient to maintain an image of wellness enough to deflect ridicule, pain, and the like, under regular interrogation. Plus, part of the reason for maintaining certain relationships for as long as they lasted was with a false hope that time and continued care would be sufficient to break the cycle of abuse and neglect--a mentality which, itself, seems at least passively duplicitous. Loving for something other than who a person is?, expecting and wanting them to change?
I was wrong. Many times, on that front. I couldn't change them.
Interactions, mostly from time in New Orleans onward, were also manipulative--geared toward "helping people" in such a way as prompting others to do things which were "good for them" without them necessarily being aware of the process. Positive reinforcement, subconscious suggestion per guided questioning, and so on. It was pretty crude, all in all, but it was entirely manipulative.
Freelance psychology, basically. And I'd started pursuing it after making decision to study psychology, as a means of "helping people" who came to bars for all their emotional and mental and social needs--for those who were hurting and had no idea where else to turn and no will to do so, regardless. For those who were desperately in need of help.
I wanted to help them. I wanted to save them.
And I didn't really ever consider that it wasn't my place to do so. Nor did I consider that I was destroying my own life, all the while.
But it was those things, which have been manipulative and duplicitous, lies--as a means of image control, in a sense. So to maintain plausible deniability, as a matter of self-preservation. And entirely wrong-headed attempt to "help" people. On those three fronts, all.
And all of that was wrapped up with the occult practices, too. So, worse than just being superficial, overt. And I thought it was all "to good effect"--attempting to do things which were "good," helping people get what they wanted and helping them see things as they wanted to see them.
It's just so bad. And given the extent to which things used to go--so much had reached a point where it wasn't conscious, anymore, only perpetuated as part of normal/regular interaction--the Lord's been very merciful for having me be as dependent on Him as I am. It keeps me in check.
All my madness is just next to nothing, in the scheme of things, though. And realistically, everyone who is His apparently does depend upon Him to increasing degrees of conscious surrender, over course of life--until entering into a place of being consciously aware of and glorifying Him for the case of absolute dependence for all things.
Here and now, though, anxiety has a way of forcing me to return to a more conscious dependence upon and fellowship with the Lord. And anxiety gets bad enough in the presence of others (especially those I care about, which is especially the church) that He's also so merciful as to prevent others from being able to long-endure my presence (so far).
All of that forces me to return to the Lord.
Which is where I need to turn, anyways.
Nobody else can line all this mess out. And given the extent of the damage which need be worked through, it's really not possible for me to openly and continually interact with others who aren't very near to the Lord.
So, given the scope of all these things and considering the nature of what's already being endured by so many I care about, I'm still mostly convinced it would just be better for people not to be around me. There's already too much.
I forget things are as bad as they are, sometimes, just not being confronted with it all--I don't usually spend time with people and have been pretty much isolated for...a while. Years. Even before beginning to walk with Christ. And it's lonely, but the Lord has been very merciful--He gets me through and helps me rejoice, and He doesn't hold it against me when I go through bouts of difficulty, longing for fellowship.
It's just what it is, though. I haven't known what else to do, and the few times I've attempted relationships with people...have not gone well.
But I know the Lord can redeem and is wont to redeem even the worst.
I also know how wretched I am, to some extent--still being stricken, every moment He draws me nearer, to see how much worse I am than I'd had any idea. I know I don't deserve redemption. I don't deserve fellowship.
But for grace...which allows me to hope, still.
Because I know Jesus loves me, despite all my wickedness and wretched failings. And I know it's His will to heal me and keep me from walking in the old ways.
And I know He can do it.
There just hasn't been space to see it through, and still...I'd rather be alone than hurt people I care about. Because the far side of that is still the tendency to hurt myself, so to punish myself for hurting others.
Which, running is even that, in effect.
So, just a mess. A total mess.
And I could give character references, if that would help.
No idea what they'd say, but I don't know if it would even matter. Especially since most folks who have known me haven't known me for a while.
I've been running from pretty much everything for a long time.
Maybe a trip to McDowell is in order.
Or to Tazewell, at least, to see Theresa.
I just don't even know, anymore.
There's not quite anywhere where I belong.
But Jesus has become my home.
And someday...someday, all this will be over. And I will get to be with Him, and will be home, truly. In the meantime, I want to do whatever I can to bring a smile to His face, to please Him. Not as though I have to do anything, to accomplish that--He did everything that was required. And He's pleased with me, because of His own works.
But I want to do what He would have me do, too.
There's nothing quite like making Him smile to brighten even the darkest night.
It's a lot easier to think of things in terms of serving Him. It's much easier to look at all the mess which I am, emotionally and mentally, when considering who God is, and what His will is toward me...and toward others I love.
He's omnipotent.
And if He even briefly allows me a moment alongside others whom He loves, then I know He'll keep them, too. It's not chance. It's not something that "just happened."
It's just still too much to hope for more than a momentary interlude of fellowship, with as large as fear looms on the constant horizon. And with as broken as I am.
Movie last night, dude left because he was too broken. He went, did heroic deed and then came back. I don't have a heroic deed to accomplish that would assuage the parts which are most problematic, though.
But I do have a Savior who cares for me and who wants to heal me, increasingly, and to transform me to His likeness--a higher esteem than could be conceived of.
All this stuff, though--all these pains, fears, and self-concerns--why is it that they can stay so dormant when there's no interaction? How is it that, only now when attempting to interact with others...all this stuff really becomes apparent?
Cause, apparently, this is all a lot of the actual reason I avoid interaction with others. I think. Just as not to have this stuff dredged up--especially since I can't do anything in my own strength to undo the damage.
Yeah, though--it's all still there, apparently.
Lord, help.
I got nothing.
Nothing but sin. And the more I look, the worse it gets.
Help.
So much for "not thinking." That lasted for all of...half a day, maybe?
Was pretty nice, though, while it lasted.
Fear doesn't respond nor perceive through love, is the problem. Fear responds hastily, expecting difficulty and pain and suspicion. Fear strikes out, self-defensively, pre-emptively...expecting harm. Fear is self-preserving, wretchedly.
And fear casts a pall of suspicion over all things. Fear is suspicious of self as well as others--incapable of discerning what's right or good, of either, as inherently not focused on the Lord.
Fear started at home, for me. Fear is what first inspired desperation to respond to others in any way which was most likely to please--as to avoid pain. Fear inspired that sort of duplicity and manipulation, initially as a child. And what started at home was continued in public.
I kept quiet to avoid ridicule or pain. Conforming to perceived expectations, out of fear of derision, harm, and to avoid mockery. I got to a point of mocking others, even...to be part of the "crowd" when possible, to avoid being the object of mockery.
And I also lashed out on my own--especially hurting the people nearest to me, out of anger, confusion, and pain. As a child, initially. Being abused, I became abusive.
And I don't remember how young I was, when I resolved never to have children--just so they'd never have to go through what I did, especially seeing how much I hurt my siblings, already. Better never to have children than put them through that. In my own strength, I'm not capable of refraining from being harmful.
And marriage was never even seriously considered an option--inconceivable. But the couple times it had been passingly mentioned as a possibility...taken seriously enough to prompt me to leave the abusive, destructive situations surrounding.
I never stopped hoping for companionship. I just stopped hoping to actually find any which wasn't inherently destructive. The thought on the whole deal, a couple months ago, was "no one in their right mind would have anything to do with me." And, that...in context of also appreciating that Jesus wants me, regardless.
He just happens to have more grace, love, and patience than anyone on earth. I mess up a lot. And if He counted all the times I've been straight up harsh with Him--out of fear, impatience, willfulness, and even (shamefully) testing the limits with Him to see at what point He'll lash out, in return...if He held all that against me, there would be no hope for me.
Problem is, I've still got it ingrained that at some point, harm will come and keep coming. So, in my warped mind, it's better to have it all out from the outset. So, I've pushed the Lord. He's let me. And He hasn't treated me harshly or turned His back on me, as part of it all. If He had, I would have been destroyed. But since He hasn't, I've still been devastated--just in a different way, learning to trust again, and to hope in Him.
Part of the problem has also been that when circumstances or relationships with other people haven't been actively harmful--I tend to take the liberty of harming myself or actively seeking out damage, just to maintain the "status quo." So I don't get used to not being in pain, you know? It's a lot more difficult going back to pain, having experienced a moment of peace. And it's a lot more difficult returning to isolation, having experienced a moment of fellowship (in itself, almost enough to prompt not to continue fellowship--just as not to go through the process of becoming accustomed again, over and over).
Used to be a joke to me, though, that I "excelled at bad decision-making--if it's a bad idea, then I'd do it."
I sought out destruction. I was self-destructive, accustomed to harm, and so all my relationships with other people were destructive--they supported me in my tendency to harm, enabled me at the very least. And even the ones which were mercifully interspersed to "pick up the pieces" every time I fell apart? Still, inherent destructive as not directing me to Christ but only enabling me to continue destroying myself. And pretty much all of my acquaintanceships centered around drinking alcohol or around that particular lifestyle. It was the go-to means of numbing the pain. Crippling.
I really considered myself "principled," too, all the while. That's one thing that's been most painful to come to terms with, in realizing the Lord has been aware of all my deeds, in process. I have grieved Him, so many times.
And it absolutely destroys me, to think on that. Especially now, in terms of present interactions. I know I'm accepted in Christ. I know I'm made acceptable in Him. Yet, I still do grieve His Spirit when I listen to and act out of fear rather than love, to the harm of others. And even to the detriment of myself.
All I know to do is throw myself on His mercy, again and again. And beg that He'll lead me in how to proceed. More time with the Lord again--seems to be what He's indicating. And all or any else only beside that. Balance.
And I keep wondering about when the first I'd come under suspicion of lying was, and accused of being manipulative. When I answered, yesterday, it was in terms of since having come to know Christ.
But it really started with my first romantic relationship. There were harsh consequences for suspicion, and eventually I stopped even trying to correct against misperceptions and just endured the pain--it came more quickly that way, but at least the buildup was briefer, less painful.
Being suspected of things which aren't true and told you're a liar, continually and for years, with harsh punishments for telling the truth and suspicion continued regardless...eventually does have a way of making even the truth seem suspicious. I don't trust myself, in other words. And it doesn't help that when I get anxious (which is still pretty much always--but especially when interacting with people I care about), I have a hard time processing and remembering details. Which, I just don't know what to do. I could go back, after the fact, continually...and correct myself when additional details come to mind. Or just wait for another moment, and hope to be able to remember, then.
Anyways. I don't know.
But as goes the aforementioned relationship--again, I was duplicitous and manipulative, per attempt to control my emotions and actions and speech sufficient to maintain an image of wellness enough to deflect ridicule, pain, and the like, under regular interrogation. Plus, part of the reason for maintaining certain relationships for as long as they lasted was with a false hope that time and continued care would be sufficient to break the cycle of abuse and neglect--a mentality which, itself, seems at least passively duplicitous. Loving for something other than who a person is?, expecting and wanting them to change?
I was wrong. Many times, on that front. I couldn't change them.
Interactions, mostly from time in New Orleans onward, were also manipulative--geared toward "helping people" in such a way as prompting others to do things which were "good for them" without them necessarily being aware of the process. Positive reinforcement, subconscious suggestion per guided questioning, and so on. It was pretty crude, all in all, but it was entirely manipulative.
Freelance psychology, basically. And I'd started pursuing it after making decision to study psychology, as a means of "helping people" who came to bars for all their emotional and mental and social needs--for those who were hurting and had no idea where else to turn and no will to do so, regardless. For those who were desperately in need of help.
I wanted to help them. I wanted to save them.
And I didn't really ever consider that it wasn't my place to do so. Nor did I consider that I was destroying my own life, all the while.
But it was those things, which have been manipulative and duplicitous, lies--as a means of image control, in a sense. So to maintain plausible deniability, as a matter of self-preservation. And entirely wrong-headed attempt to "help" people. On those three fronts, all.
And all of that was wrapped up with the occult practices, too. So, worse than just being superficial, overt. And I thought it was all "to good effect"--attempting to do things which were "good," helping people get what they wanted and helping them see things as they wanted to see them.
It's just so bad. And given the extent to which things used to go--so much had reached a point where it wasn't conscious, anymore, only perpetuated as part of normal/regular interaction--the Lord's been very merciful for having me be as dependent on Him as I am. It keeps me in check.
All my madness is just next to nothing, in the scheme of things, though. And realistically, everyone who is His apparently does depend upon Him to increasing degrees of conscious surrender, over course of life--until entering into a place of being consciously aware of and glorifying Him for the case of absolute dependence for all things.
Here and now, though, anxiety has a way of forcing me to return to a more conscious dependence upon and fellowship with the Lord. And anxiety gets bad enough in the presence of others (especially those I care about, which is especially the church) that He's also so merciful as to prevent others from being able to long-endure my presence (so far).
All of that forces me to return to the Lord.
Which is where I need to turn, anyways.
Nobody else can line all this mess out. And given the extent of the damage which need be worked through, it's really not possible for me to openly and continually interact with others who aren't very near to the Lord.
So, given the scope of all these things and considering the nature of what's already being endured by so many I care about, I'm still mostly convinced it would just be better for people not to be around me. There's already too much.
I forget things are as bad as they are, sometimes, just not being confronted with it all--I don't usually spend time with people and have been pretty much isolated for...a while. Years. Even before beginning to walk with Christ. And it's lonely, but the Lord has been very merciful--He gets me through and helps me rejoice, and He doesn't hold it against me when I go through bouts of difficulty, longing for fellowship.
It's just what it is, though. I haven't known what else to do, and the few times I've attempted relationships with people...have not gone well.
But I know the Lord can redeem and is wont to redeem even the worst.
I also know how wretched I am, to some extent--still being stricken, every moment He draws me nearer, to see how much worse I am than I'd had any idea. I know I don't deserve redemption. I don't deserve fellowship.
But for grace...which allows me to hope, still.
Because I know Jesus loves me, despite all my wickedness and wretched failings. And I know it's His will to heal me and keep me from walking in the old ways.
And I know He can do it.
There just hasn't been space to see it through, and still...I'd rather be alone than hurt people I care about. Because the far side of that is still the tendency to hurt myself, so to punish myself for hurting others.
Which, running is even that, in effect.
So, just a mess. A total mess.
And I could give character references, if that would help.
No idea what they'd say, but I don't know if it would even matter. Especially since most folks who have known me haven't known me for a while.
I've been running from pretty much everything for a long time.
Maybe a trip to McDowell is in order.
Or to Tazewell, at least, to see Theresa.
I just don't even know, anymore.
There's not quite anywhere where I belong.
But Jesus has become my home.
And someday...someday, all this will be over. And I will get to be with Him, and will be home, truly. In the meantime, I want to do whatever I can to bring a smile to His face, to please Him. Not as though I have to do anything, to accomplish that--He did everything that was required. And He's pleased with me, because of His own works.
But I want to do what He would have me do, too.
There's nothing quite like making Him smile to brighten even the darkest night.
It's a lot easier to think of things in terms of serving Him. It's much easier to look at all the mess which I am, emotionally and mentally, when considering who God is, and what His will is toward me...and toward others I love.
He's omnipotent.
And if He even briefly allows me a moment alongside others whom He loves, then I know He'll keep them, too. It's not chance. It's not something that "just happened."
It's just still too much to hope for more than a momentary interlude of fellowship, with as large as fear looms on the constant horizon. And with as broken as I am.
Movie last night, dude left because he was too broken. He went, did heroic deed and then came back. I don't have a heroic deed to accomplish that would assuage the parts which are most problematic, though.
But I do have a Savior who cares for me and who wants to heal me, increasingly, and to transform me to His likeness--a higher esteem than could be conceived of.
All this stuff, though--all these pains, fears, and self-concerns--why is it that they can stay so dormant when there's no interaction? How is it that, only now when attempting to interact with others...all this stuff really becomes apparent?
Cause, apparently, this is all a lot of the actual reason I avoid interaction with others. I think. Just as not to have this stuff dredged up--especially since I can't do anything in my own strength to undo the damage.
Yeah, though--it's all still there, apparently.
Lord, help.
I got nothing.
Nothing but sin. And the more I look, the worse it gets.
Help.
So much for "not thinking." That lasted for all of...half a day, maybe?
Was pretty nice, though, while it lasted.
...
Must take up the cross. Wherever He leads.
Jesus will line out the details--He, alone, can. He'll eradicate impurities, in the fires of affliction.
There's no other way. He, alone, can do it.
I forget so quickly that Christ owns me. I'm His. To do with as He will. Period. I surrendered choice, surrendering to Him--He's sovereign. It's His will I want, not my own. Doesn't mean I always jump quickly to do what He asks, unfortunately...but He has a way of drawing me through.
And, still, I can tell Him the things I want--I can ask Him for anything my heart desires--but, like a good Father, He'll only allot what's right and good for me and for others. No matter whether perceived lack hurts, in the process.
Again and again, though, there's continual message that it's suicide to go it alone, as a Christian. No lone wolves.
And I know this, and I know fellowship is right and good and necessary. But I'm so neurotic that anything less than constant redirection to Christ ends up allowing for all manner of anxiety to manifest, while yielding space to other problems, too. So being constant--even regularly--alongside others is not a thing that's easy, in a world where so much else constantly demands attention.
And it's not right or good to just be alongside absolutely anyone, either--that's proven very destructive in the past. I just have to trust the Lord will line it out, and in the meantime will be the iron to sharpen.
Yet, I need to be careful in coming alongside, even momentarily. It may hurt others that I would run away, again and again--something I'd never considered before...just...
Lord, help.
I can't do this.
I can't be with people without completely spazzing out, especially if I care about them. And especially experiencing something akin to what seems like it would be to have family, again, or for once, or however.
I just can't do this, Lord. I don't have the strength.
And if it were only of family, then maybe it would be easier.
Lord, all things concerned need be acknowledged in some capacity. And I don't have the strength to do it. But it has to be done. Everything has to be brought into the light and kept there, regardless how terrifying, regardless consequences.
Lord, if You lead me, I will do what You would have me do. You direct my steps and my speech, and I will stop running. You hold me still, and I will endure.
Because that has to be done. And a particular conversation has to occur. But I can't do it, in my own strength. It's too much to acknowledge, openly.
You direct. Make clear the way, I'll go.
But I won't do it alone--not in my own strength.
You have to lead, Lord.
You have to.
Because I can't do this.
But I can't keep running from what scares me.
People are hurt that way. And that's unendurable.
Jesus will line out the details--He, alone, can. He'll eradicate impurities, in the fires of affliction.
There's no other way. He, alone, can do it.
I forget so quickly that Christ owns me. I'm His. To do with as He will. Period. I surrendered choice, surrendering to Him--He's sovereign. It's His will I want, not my own. Doesn't mean I always jump quickly to do what He asks, unfortunately...but He has a way of drawing me through.
And, still, I can tell Him the things I want--I can ask Him for anything my heart desires--but, like a good Father, He'll only allot what's right and good for me and for others. No matter whether perceived lack hurts, in the process.
Again and again, though, there's continual message that it's suicide to go it alone, as a Christian. No lone wolves.
And I know this, and I know fellowship is right and good and necessary. But I'm so neurotic that anything less than constant redirection to Christ ends up allowing for all manner of anxiety to manifest, while yielding space to other problems, too. So being constant--even regularly--alongside others is not a thing that's easy, in a world where so much else constantly demands attention.
And it's not right or good to just be alongside absolutely anyone, either--that's proven very destructive in the past. I just have to trust the Lord will line it out, and in the meantime will be the iron to sharpen.
Yet, I need to be careful in coming alongside, even momentarily. It may hurt others that I would run away, again and again--something I'd never considered before...just...
Lord, help.
I can't do this.
I can't be with people without completely spazzing out, especially if I care about them. And especially experiencing something akin to what seems like it would be to have family, again, or for once, or however.
I just can't do this, Lord. I don't have the strength.
And if it were only of family, then maybe it would be easier.
Lord, all things concerned need be acknowledged in some capacity. And I don't have the strength to do it. But it has to be done. Everything has to be brought into the light and kept there, regardless how terrifying, regardless consequences.
Lord, if You lead me, I will do what You would have me do. You direct my steps and my speech, and I will stop running. You hold me still, and I will endure.
Because that has to be done. And a particular conversation has to occur. But I can't do it, in my own strength. It's too much to acknowledge, openly.
You direct. Make clear the way, I'll go.
But I won't do it alone--not in my own strength.
You have to lead, Lord.
You have to.
Because I can't do this.
But I can't keep running from what scares me.
People are hurt that way. And that's unendurable.
Saturday, September 24, 2016
Rambling
Battling so many accusations, right now. Sleep has even been difficult.
Things regarding interaction, especially, have been points of accusation--reminded how often words bring pain. Unintentional hurt. Thoughtlessness leads to offense. And innate lack of ability to control for every possible interpretation necessarily entails wrong interpretation, at times.
Accusations, still, are with attempt to convince me I need to remove myself from the company of others. Period. For the well-being of others. Even with the coup de grace of accusations that, "if [I] really care, [I'd] leave them alone and get away from them before [I] really hurt them."
If the Lord wills it, then so be it. He'll keep me, through anything, as it be His will...He has been. He will. Grievous, though much has been--still, there's been rejoicing to know Christ.
I don't want to move an inch unless He directs, though. It's bad enough to want things, let alone admit it in any capacity regarding hope for interaction--admitting it to myself is just slightly less difficult than admitting the same to others. Insufficient reason to run away, though, just to avoid the difficulty of being honest about wanting fellowship, just to avoid the potential pain of rejection.
And, besides--making myself into some pariah capable of harming everything in my path does a disservice to the Lord's ability and desire to work good even through the worst circumstances and people. He's capable of preserving and of turning what the enemy would have be for evil into greater good. And I've yet to experience an instance wherein some moment of pain hasn't been turned toward further deliverance, deeper rejoicing. He redeems even the worst moments and gaffes. Mercifully. Graciously. He uses pain as a means to draw me nearer, so often.
Not to justify self-centeredness which works harm toward others nor to establish any means of avoiding the grief of knowing pain has come to others beloved, unintentionally...but, Jesus is able to redeem, and it's more to His glory that He's so willing to do so. He works through the strangest of things, it seems.
I'm only an imperfect vessel, which even that is entirely by grace. So willfulness and selfishness are still too frequently interjected into actions. But the Lord isn't finished with me.
And He's merciful to redeem my errors in ways which show Himself great and loving...despite my inconstancy. For the sake of His own faithfulness.
Current internal struggle is also taking place along the front of renewed expectation that people will recoil away from me--at some point realizing my wretchedness and lingering flaws, withdrawing from interaction. To some extent seeing how broken and wretched and...dark my heart is, still, there's ongoing struggle with the idea that rejection would be rightful, seeking to preserve and guard the relative innocence of others.
That's been an ongoing battle--that my mere presence is enough to endanger others and harm them.
So, I'm battling that. Battling that expectation of harm and of rejection. Because the Lord is able to preserve and to redeem. He's able to salvage even me, so He's certainly able to preserve anyone whose presence He happens to allow me to enter for a time.
And even if rejection were to happen, Jesus would keep me and draw me nearer to Himself through the process.
Moments like this, it feels shameful to even use His name. He's given me freedom, He's borne my shame. I want to live like it. And to trust Him more fully.
One of the most difficult things for me to learn, as a child/adult--one of the things which has been most difficult to bring to the Lord for clarification, now--was how to control my emotions and stop myself from speaking my mind. These things, so as not to unintentionally offend anyone with either--Mom was constantly telling me, "think, before you speak," and the emotional regulation was more self-directed as a means of attempting to avoid pain by restricting the experience of hope or devastation.
Which all made for so much anxiety.
And that anxiety precludes ability to think or feel, now.
It only used to prevent ability to speak and feel.
Now it prevents both thought and speech and feeling.
That level of anxiety makes it often seem better to just say absolutely nothing at all rather than suffer through potential for error. Except that the Lord lead, things turn out really destructively anyway...and except that He is able and willing to redeem errors.
I'm going to keep fighting this battle, though.
I'm going to keep asking the Lord to clarify what His way actually is, in terms of controlling emotions and regulating speech. Controlling emotions has always seemed led to a hardening of my heart, is what confuses me--that can't be right, it isn't good.
So, if attempting to control the way I feel then becomes something else, something false and hollow--something the Lord has had to deliver me from, again and again, even if sometimes only to deeper degrees--that's not right. Which doesn't mean that all feelings are God-honoring. Doesn't mean that every emotion needs to be pursued for full expression (anger, especially is a "no"). What it does seem to mean is that even my feelings need to be brought to the Lord, examined in light of Scripture, and surrendered to Jesus--prior to anything else.
Trying to "decide" how to feel has continually led to mental breakdowns.
But refraining from ongoing surrender of emotions to Christ has meant being overwhelmed by feelings, to a point of going into a sort of shock--again and again--which has also been really trying.
So it seems the better way is to go to the Lord with them. Prayerfully.
And not to speak lightly of emotions, either.
The Lord feels, He experiences emotion. It's so difficult to accept that it's okay and right and good to do likewise, but I will trust that He's both willing and totally able to help with these, too.
I won't be ruled by emotion, but I'm not going to rule it out, either. I'm going to trust the Lord to lead and to preserve. Including trusting Him to keep me from going around crying all day. Because...yeah--that wouldn't necessarily be helpful or beneficial.
Has to be tempered by joy. Even Jeremiah had a moment of rejoicing in God's compassion and faithfulness and mercies in the midst of his lamentations--right center of them, actually, in chapter 3. Rejoicing to know God and understand Him was still at the heart of all grief.
I'm just another sinner, saved by grace.
And the Lord's grace is sufficient to continue keeping me and others who are near me.
Running away from feelings has so much appeal, though. Wanting to avoid anything which elicits emotion?--so much a compulsion. Consider that I did work from home for two years. For many reasons, really.
But even here--being on computer, with access to so much of the world's doings--emotional, to learn of what goes on in the world. Yet the sharing of emotions with others is more fearful than even to bear them alone.
So what--there are many things I'm just not doing well. At all. Even having some "logical" idea of how things are "supposed to" look/work. The Lord's going to have to help, because I just can't. Just not in me.
And I keep remembering that the alternate, was even consciously attempted for one brief moment last year (grievous to admit). Shameful and there's continued remorse (really need to let it go, having been forgiven)...
Just being entirely forthright has always been sufficient to alienate and drive people away. So, being entirely forthcoming with thoughts--presenting all confidence and boldness, despite not often feeling it--has in the past been an intentional means of driving people away.
At this point, I'm just done.
There are moments, like Thursday evening and somewhat Friday morning, when the joy of knowing the Lord is enough to make me want to shout from the rooftops of His goodness and love...sincerely. Only my version of that takes digital form.
But more often, the battle rages as attempt to refrain from giving in to seeing myself as more than I am. I'm really much of nothing, so any "effect" I might have on people is permitted by God, hopefully directed by Him, but definitely will be redeemed by Him despite my wretchedness. Just because He's good. Not as something to be self-congratulatory about. Not as something to make for lack of concern in interactions with others.
I need to go walk. Drive.
Something.
Yes.
Things regarding interaction, especially, have been points of accusation--reminded how often words bring pain. Unintentional hurt. Thoughtlessness leads to offense. And innate lack of ability to control for every possible interpretation necessarily entails wrong interpretation, at times.
Accusations, still, are with attempt to convince me I need to remove myself from the company of others. Period. For the well-being of others. Even with the coup de grace of accusations that, "if [I] really care, [I'd] leave them alone and get away from them before [I] really hurt them."
If the Lord wills it, then so be it. He'll keep me, through anything, as it be His will...He has been. He will. Grievous, though much has been--still, there's been rejoicing to know Christ.
I don't want to move an inch unless He directs, though. It's bad enough to want things, let alone admit it in any capacity regarding hope for interaction--admitting it to myself is just slightly less difficult than admitting the same to others. Insufficient reason to run away, though, just to avoid the difficulty of being honest about wanting fellowship, just to avoid the potential pain of rejection.
And, besides--making myself into some pariah capable of harming everything in my path does a disservice to the Lord's ability and desire to work good even through the worst circumstances and people. He's capable of preserving and of turning what the enemy would have be for evil into greater good. And I've yet to experience an instance wherein some moment of pain hasn't been turned toward further deliverance, deeper rejoicing. He redeems even the worst moments and gaffes. Mercifully. Graciously. He uses pain as a means to draw me nearer, so often.
Not to justify self-centeredness which works harm toward others nor to establish any means of avoiding the grief of knowing pain has come to others beloved, unintentionally...but, Jesus is able to redeem, and it's more to His glory that He's so willing to do so. He works through the strangest of things, it seems.
I'm only an imperfect vessel, which even that is entirely by grace. So willfulness and selfishness are still too frequently interjected into actions. But the Lord isn't finished with me.
And He's merciful to redeem my errors in ways which show Himself great and loving...despite my inconstancy. For the sake of His own faithfulness.
Current internal struggle is also taking place along the front of renewed expectation that people will recoil away from me--at some point realizing my wretchedness and lingering flaws, withdrawing from interaction. To some extent seeing how broken and wretched and...dark my heart is, still, there's ongoing struggle with the idea that rejection would be rightful, seeking to preserve and guard the relative innocence of others.
That's been an ongoing battle--that my mere presence is enough to endanger others and harm them.
So, I'm battling that. Battling that expectation of harm and of rejection. Because the Lord is able to preserve and to redeem. He's able to salvage even me, so He's certainly able to preserve anyone whose presence He happens to allow me to enter for a time.
And even if rejection were to happen, Jesus would keep me and draw me nearer to Himself through the process.
Moments like this, it feels shameful to even use His name. He's given me freedom, He's borne my shame. I want to live like it. And to trust Him more fully.
One of the most difficult things for me to learn, as a child/adult--one of the things which has been most difficult to bring to the Lord for clarification, now--was how to control my emotions and stop myself from speaking my mind. These things, so as not to unintentionally offend anyone with either--Mom was constantly telling me, "think, before you speak," and the emotional regulation was more self-directed as a means of attempting to avoid pain by restricting the experience of hope or devastation.
Which all made for so much anxiety.
And that anxiety precludes ability to think or feel, now.
It only used to prevent ability to speak and feel.
Now it prevents both thought and speech and feeling.
That level of anxiety makes it often seem better to just say absolutely nothing at all rather than suffer through potential for error. Except that the Lord lead, things turn out really destructively anyway...and except that He is able and willing to redeem errors.
I'm going to keep fighting this battle, though.
I'm going to keep asking the Lord to clarify what His way actually is, in terms of controlling emotions and regulating speech. Controlling emotions has always seemed led to a hardening of my heart, is what confuses me--that can't be right, it isn't good.
So, if attempting to control the way I feel then becomes something else, something false and hollow--something the Lord has had to deliver me from, again and again, even if sometimes only to deeper degrees--that's not right. Which doesn't mean that all feelings are God-honoring. Doesn't mean that every emotion needs to be pursued for full expression (anger, especially is a "no"). What it does seem to mean is that even my feelings need to be brought to the Lord, examined in light of Scripture, and surrendered to Jesus--prior to anything else.
Trying to "decide" how to feel has continually led to mental breakdowns.
But refraining from ongoing surrender of emotions to Christ has meant being overwhelmed by feelings, to a point of going into a sort of shock--again and again--which has also been really trying.
So it seems the better way is to go to the Lord with them. Prayerfully.
And not to speak lightly of emotions, either.
The Lord feels, He experiences emotion. It's so difficult to accept that it's okay and right and good to do likewise, but I will trust that He's both willing and totally able to help with these, too.
I won't be ruled by emotion, but I'm not going to rule it out, either. I'm going to trust the Lord to lead and to preserve. Including trusting Him to keep me from going around crying all day. Because...yeah--that wouldn't necessarily be helpful or beneficial.
Has to be tempered by joy. Even Jeremiah had a moment of rejoicing in God's compassion and faithfulness and mercies in the midst of his lamentations--right center of them, actually, in chapter 3. Rejoicing to know God and understand Him was still at the heart of all grief.
I'm just another sinner, saved by grace.
And the Lord's grace is sufficient to continue keeping me and others who are near me.
Running away from feelings has so much appeal, though. Wanting to avoid anything which elicits emotion?--so much a compulsion. Consider that I did work from home for two years. For many reasons, really.
But even here--being on computer, with access to so much of the world's doings--emotional, to learn of what goes on in the world. Yet the sharing of emotions with others is more fearful than even to bear them alone.
So what--there are many things I'm just not doing well. At all. Even having some "logical" idea of how things are "supposed to" look/work. The Lord's going to have to help, because I just can't. Just not in me.
And I keep remembering that the alternate, was even consciously attempted for one brief moment last year (grievous to admit). Shameful and there's continued remorse (really need to let it go, having been forgiven)...
Just being entirely forthright has always been sufficient to alienate and drive people away. So, being entirely forthcoming with thoughts--presenting all confidence and boldness, despite not often feeling it--has in the past been an intentional means of driving people away.
At this point, I'm just done.
There are moments, like Thursday evening and somewhat Friday morning, when the joy of knowing the Lord is enough to make me want to shout from the rooftops of His goodness and love...sincerely. Only my version of that takes digital form.
But more often, the battle rages as attempt to refrain from giving in to seeing myself as more than I am. I'm really much of nothing, so any "effect" I might have on people is permitted by God, hopefully directed by Him, but definitely will be redeemed by Him despite my wretchedness. Just because He's good. Not as something to be self-congratulatory about. Not as something to make for lack of concern in interactions with others.
I need to go walk. Drive.
Something.
Yes.
Friday, September 23, 2016
A Song: Desert - Ronnie Freeman
Desert - Ronnie Freeman
He is God of the unexpected
Often does the unanticipated
So surprising, yet so perfect
Always good
Always faithful
Whoever said that He would never lead us to the desert?
We could feel the scorching sun beat hard upon our face
and find that in a dry and barren land there is no other
to give us living water so we'll never thirst again
Into green pastures
The Lord is our Shepherd
He won't leave us
Because He loves us
The ways He shows it
Sometimes are mysterious
Using pain to
Make us desperate
To see Him
To know Him
Whoever said that He would never lead us to the desert?
We could feel the scorching sun beat hard upon our face
And find that in a dry and barren land there is no other
To give us living water so we'll never thirst again
Into green pastures
The Lord is our Shepherd
So let us trust Him
Then let us seize Him
Though it's a place where
We never dreamed we would be
Whoever said that He would never lead us to the desert?
Whoever said that He would never lead us to the desert?
We could feel the scorching sun beat hard upon our face
And find that in a dry and barren land there is no other
To give us living water so we'll never thirst again
Into green pastures
The Lord is our Shepherd
He is God of the unexpected
Always good
Striving After the Simplicity of Christ
Been contemplating allusions, metaphors, and allegory.
Someone I'd listened to, somewhere...at some point in the past year...said Scripture includes use of every literary device known to man. Maybe it was Missler.
Paul chastised the church at one point (such that the Lord did, moreover) for departing from the simplicity of Christ. Not simplistic...actual simplicity.
He's God. He loves us. He sacrificed Himself, to make us His own. He's alive, He's in control, and He will return for us, someday. And in the meantime, He's going to keep us and direct us through storm and through battle. And we can rest in knowing that whatever comes is through Him, and working a weight of glory which eclipses any potential for comparison against the light afflictions we endure.
And...yeah. I struggle with simplicity. Long for it, but just...it's not usual, for me.
Which might be part of the reason people have feared me, too. I really don't know, but do remember than certain aspects of general nature of being have apparently been very intimidating. In general.
Talked with someone I work with, earlier in the week, about that. He has people who just flat out walk away from him, when he speaks the truth as he knows it without apology (not harshly, for sure--just without filter).
Whereas, they back away slowly from me--as though it were a bad idea to turn their backs, even? Very strange.
My friend in Canada did tell me she believes that people are very much distressed by the light of truth, if they've imbibed and are taking sustenance from any darkness. Truth causes them to flee.
I'm not bold, though.
Or, at least...if the Lord has done that in me, through me, then He's blessedly kept me ignorant. Usually. For a time.
I love the simplicity of Christ, though. And even the way He presents Himself to us--there are layers and layers of meaning which can be pursued, given desire. But there's the potential for finding meaning, blatant meaning, in even a very superficial survey of what He's shared of Himself.
I am absolutely awestruck, when reading with an open mind and heart.
And especially with how His words speak to me in different ways at different time, despite not having changed.
Simplicity is amazing that way. Absolutely amazing. And I've longed for it, but it's beyond me. So, well enough just to be however I am--even nearly needing an interpreter just to translate my version of "Good morning."
All the more call to seek the Lord, is all. And to trust Him.
Anyway. Time to go do all the things the Lord has lined out, today.
Much love to all of you.
May the Lord smile upon you today, as you abide in His love.
May the blessed peace and wonder of His presence guard your hearts and minds.
May He keep thoughts fixed on Him, rejoicing to know Him who loves you best.
May His grace and peace abound to you.
And may the love of Christ keep you, drawing you ever nearer His heart.
Someone I'd listened to, somewhere...at some point in the past year...said Scripture includes use of every literary device known to man. Maybe it was Missler.
Paul chastised the church at one point (such that the Lord did, moreover) for departing from the simplicity of Christ. Not simplistic...actual simplicity.
He's God. He loves us. He sacrificed Himself, to make us His own. He's alive, He's in control, and He will return for us, someday. And in the meantime, He's going to keep us and direct us through storm and through battle. And we can rest in knowing that whatever comes is through Him, and working a weight of glory which eclipses any potential for comparison against the light afflictions we endure.
And...yeah. I struggle with simplicity. Long for it, but just...it's not usual, for me.
Which might be part of the reason people have feared me, too. I really don't know, but do remember than certain aspects of general nature of being have apparently been very intimidating. In general.
Talked with someone I work with, earlier in the week, about that. He has people who just flat out walk away from him, when he speaks the truth as he knows it without apology (not harshly, for sure--just without filter).
Whereas, they back away slowly from me--as though it were a bad idea to turn their backs, even? Very strange.
My friend in Canada did tell me she believes that people are very much distressed by the light of truth, if they've imbibed and are taking sustenance from any darkness. Truth causes them to flee.
I'm not bold, though.
Or, at least...if the Lord has done that in me, through me, then He's blessedly kept me ignorant. Usually. For a time.
I love the simplicity of Christ, though. And even the way He presents Himself to us--there are layers and layers of meaning which can be pursued, given desire. But there's the potential for finding meaning, blatant meaning, in even a very superficial survey of what He's shared of Himself.
I am absolutely awestruck, when reading with an open mind and heart.
And especially with how His words speak to me in different ways at different time, despite not having changed.
Simplicity is amazing that way. Absolutely amazing. And I've longed for it, but it's beyond me. So, well enough just to be however I am--even nearly needing an interpreter just to translate my version of "Good morning."
All the more call to seek the Lord, is all. And to trust Him.
Anyway. Time to go do all the things the Lord has lined out, today.
Much love to all of you.
May the Lord smile upon you today, as you abide in His love.
May the blessed peace and wonder of His presence guard your hearts and minds.
May He keep thoughts fixed on Him, rejoicing to know Him who loves you best.
May His grace and peace abound to you.
And may the love of Christ keep you, drawing you ever nearer His heart.
Thursday, September 22, 2016
Whatever Comes: Trust?
I'm not sure I've ever confronted something that's put thought to rest, as a point of surrender to the Lord.
There's always been "leeway" to contemplate perceived possibilities and potential developments. Which...is all completely wrong-headed.
Trusting implicitly denies the option to contemplate alternatives as a perceived means of mitigating potential damage or preparing for possible eventualities.
Or, at least...apparently, sometimes it definitely precludes that from being permissible.
This has been really weird. Seriously.
Not picking things apart from end to beginning, and back again, is entirely foreign. But it's better and more in keeping with what the Lord's will is, as corroborated per Scripture.
But...I'd apparently still been very deviant on this point. Had no idea it was possible to not attempt to understand the end from the beginning. Thought that was right and good.
I thought of it as a kind of due diligence. And being confronted with what seems like reality of that not being the case at all...is kind of disorienting.
No, actually, it's absolutely disorienting. I'd been totally oriented to that sort of state of being: Continual attempt to perceive and be aware of whatsoever was going on related to my circumstances, attempting to remain cognizant even if no longer overtly attempting to influence (such restraint has been per God's gracious, continual, direct intervention).
It's just not possible to live divided and be well. Either I'm going to trust the Lord, or I'm going to trust myself. And the latter of those never worked out.
Ever. Except maybe in regard to...I don't know?--deciding to trust God.
Which...in reality, He pretty much (completely) orchestrated that, too.
So. yeah.
A lot of this boils down to the fact that attempting to think things through in any direction at present has led to incapacitating anxiety. Which. Yeah. That's a pretty effective blockade.
Especially given that every time that's started to happen, there's been the option to just say, "Lord, help. Father, help. Jesus...help." And He has, and there's been peace, and inclination to just trust Him. And wait.
I'm pretty slow on the uptake with these things--this is all pretty much what I've been getting for...couple, maybe few weeks, now? And I keep pressing the issue.
And keep being cut off by anxiety.
And keep receiving direct assistance and direction to Scripture, even. And prayer and praise.
And just...Trust. Just trust.
Which does not mean I'm going to openly discuss things, at this juncture. Especially since even thinking about the all in any way except to just ask the Lord for help, surrendering it all into His hands--to whatever end He wills, period... ...given that level of continual surrender has been the only means of pressing onward, then I'm not going to unduly upend that by dare attempting discussion of my own volition or anyone else's. Only as the Lord leads.
Which is also peculiar, in ways. I've really been struggling with the idea and right practice of discretion. Which is apparently...central and vital to much, much more than I'd realized prior to this very moment. Had no idea.
Okay, well. That makes much more sense, now.
Asking the Lord whether I've entered a parallel universe, somehow, where these sorts of things happen to me--may well represent how totally disoriented I feel. Completely out of my depths, in terms of anything even remotely familiar. Which...is actually pretty good, it's turning out.
Especially given that this is all in context of a previously unfamiliar way of "practicing His presence," in a sense. Trusting openly--from one moment to the next, aware of Jesus being present and enjoying His presence without expectation or attempted requirement regarding circumstances. Just longing for His will to be done, while relishing His love.
Just "being small"...is unexpectedly wonderful.
Too many words, from my direction. Again.
Except to consider: Who am I to undermine the Lord's work? I have done so, all my life. I've continually found fault with myself, rather than accepting God created me and fashioned me as He would have me be. And if I'm good enough for Jesus, then life is complete. So, well enough. I can cherish what I will without having to expect myself to be different than who the Lord would have me be, without wanting to be something other or lamenting perceived shortcomings...which are false, entirely false. Better to cherish the Lord's work and thank Him for what talents He's bestowed.
I don't have to be other than what I am, and I thank the Lord for that. Which also means I'm free to truly appreciate the gifts He's given to others, too.
He's lavished such love on me these past many days, and I am so overwhelmed with gratitude and love and joy and just a longing to remain in such sweet fellowship with Him and to enter more deeply, and even with those whom He has been so gracious, so absolutely gracious as to have allowed me the privilege and severe blessing of at least momentarily being alongside (with hope for additional interaction, in context of waiting upon the Lord's will), in His Presence and sharing in reverence of Him.
I'm in a bit of shock, still. Well, "a bit" is a gigantic understatement.
...and the rest of this is going to be pretty sporadically interlaced, perhaps:
Still asking the Lord for a time to go through all my things and get rid of the rest of anything which doesn't honor Him. Deleted so many things, couple days ago. Still need to do another run through to fine tune. Just...I'm probably going to end up writing out some kind of run through of my past, before coming to know Christ and just as general overview of who I am and have been, where I come from...probably, maybe--praying, still.
But I'm not clinging to the past any more. I'm done. And I don't know exactly what all that's going to look like. I don't know what all it's going to mean.
But I was willing to go on the road, live in my car, and/or appropriate means of becoming a wanderer (tent, sleeping bag, etc.) as a means of serving the Lord and pursuing Him wholeheartedly, numerous times over course of past couple years...and that's not changed, only He hasn't asked it of me...but if I'm willing to do that, then it stands to reason that I truly need to let go of what He's forgiven and freed me from. I shared of Christ with them all, in varying ways, to varying extents, and with numerous approaches--from stark clarity to nuanced reasonings. I've done as He's directed, and I'm not going to be shamed for not seeing "results."
Doesn't matter. He'll do what He'll do, I did what He directed, and that's all.
Obedience out of love for Him and others. That's enough. Even being a trial, still. It's been enough.
I may still need to apologize to one person--just crossed my mind. But the Lord will direct. Been praying about that possible necessity, for over a year now. Not dragging feet, but awaiting direction.
And the rest...eh. I'll trust the Lord.
I'll wait on Him to direct...rather than continuing to delude myself that I can somehow "figure things out" on my own. (Yes, it's about time--I know.)
I love His sense of humor. It's absolutely glorious. =) I spoke harshly of it, a few nights ago...but, reality is--just shaking my head in wonder. He is wonderful.
And it's really not humor, in the sense the world goes. No. Just...clarification according to principles which are so unique as to pleasantly shock with the utterly unexpected. He's so forthright. And clever. Absolutely clever.
Witty, in a way which isn't harsh or demeaning--rather, delightful.
Maybe there's more, too--something in Isaiah once struck me as being rife with ironic wit, too. Such a humorous way of putting things in perspective, He has--bringing the irony of our absurdity (as idolatry, in that instance) into high relief against the truth of His absolute, vital, sovereign reality.
Offered to sit alongside and listen--wait, alongside those worshipping them, for the idols to speak and to move. That is an absolutely absurd image...God sitting next to a man with an idol, waiting alongside the man as the man waits for the idol to speak--God, waiting with Him. Waiting, even, for the man to realize the absurdity of the situation.
I mean, seriously--God, Himself, sitting next to You...talking to you about the absurdity of idols (making furniture with wood, cooking for with it, then using a part of the same tree to build and idol that you worship as a god)...and going even further in to the idea of how absurd the situation is by offering to sit down alongside, and wait with us while we wait for our idols to speak.
How blind could we be, after all? Make the idol, then God reveals Himself to us, as rather than recognizing Him...we are oblivious to Him and allow Him to sit alongside while we wait for an empty, dead chalice to pour forth living water.
Seriously.
I love His humor. It's heart-breaking, too. But...endearing, at the same time.
Anyway, though. Just, as His humor goes--mine's still in recovery, so talking about His sense of humor with sarcastic, wry tone...is entirely unworthy, and was fear speaking. Not worthy, at all.
One of these days, I will explain what the irony was, regarding a serious misinterpretation of something which had seemed utterly vital, the first year and a half of walking with the Lord. Lord willing. I hope that'll come, at least.
If not, it'll be forgotten. So, either way.
And, what else?
Things have been interesting at work, still. It's some seriously dicey business, some of the things--not in terms of the world's ideas, but in terms of spiritual reality. Been having to wade through a lot of old, familiar...notions, we'll say.
The Lord is keeping me.
Really makes me wonder what the world of Biblical counseling is like--whether there's any more open confrontation of the spiritual aspect of some of what goes on, in terms of oppression/possession/whatever is a more apt term. Going to keep asking about that.
Really dicey, though. Which, I told people before even going in--the Lord had made it very clear that this job would require a much deeper, more total reliance upon Him than anything experienced prior.
And I'm only at the tip of the iceburg, perhaps.
Not crushed, though.
And...I forgot that fasting could also entail matters other than only food. So, is good. ^_^ I haven't been totally lax, after all--He works these things out, too.
He knows what I need, even if I'm not necessarily able to embrace it without His help in doing so. And even then, I don't know what His will is except that it's for good, and that He will continue to prosper me in His fellowship. Even in the fellowship of His sufferings, as need be.
So, to whatever end and by whatever means He deems fit and good--and with no regard for pain, except as one means by which He draws to fuller dependence, then rejoicing for such an opportunity...by whatever means, to Him be the glory.
I will trust. No matter what.
There is absolutely nothing else which matters.
That's a really strange but interesting way to go through life, really. Makes suffering a matter of rejoicing. Makes trials less daunting. Makes Christ more accessible as a present and eternal friend.
So many things.
But not a denial of reality. No attempt to pretend it's other than what it is, merely taking it in context of the larger reality in which it actually rests.
That's the part I struggle with--seeing something which is distressing, troublesome, absolutely impossible...and knowing that somehow, though it looms larger than daily life, it's still absolutely tiny and unworthy of notice in context of the truth of who God is and who we are in Christ.
Maintaining that perspective in the midst of a world full of hustle, bustle, self-importance, and self-seeking--all concerned with the absolutely finite, the immediate, and disposable convenience...? That requires God's intervention.
He's willing, though. Which--I forget that, a lot. I forget He's willing to keep my eyes fixed on Him, keep my heart tuned to sing His praise, and keep my mind alert to His leading rather than carnal response to physically apparent pressures and influences.
Keep thinking about a story told my David Pawson in one of his sermons from Jeremiah--can't remember which chapters...but of meeting a farmer, seeing a dog with leg braces, and concluding that for such a one to have received such special care...must be such an animal. Such an animal.
Pawson made it clear he didn't intend to offend anyone, but that he did feel as though he saw a reflection of the Father as that farmer spoke of the dog, telling him what had happened. That he was such a good dog, and he didn't realize what was happening--he told the dog to sit, stay. Couldn't see or hear around whatever building or so the dog was next to...noted his dog kept looking, anxiously as though he wanted to move, but refused to because he'd been given the order to stay. Let a tractor run over him, to obey his master.
Said the man cried, saying of course he had his legs fixed. He was such a good dog. Such a good dog.
Obedient unto death. As we're to be.
As our Lord was.
For the joy set before Him, which wasn't a joy visible to the carnal mind. Wasn't a joy which took stock of the impossibility of the situation, in the physical.
No, He endured for the eternal joy set before Him. His eyes fixed on heaven and on us, His beloved bride.
So, if I'm not to continue getting lost in thought, as to evade anxiety and enter trust, surrendering all to Him, whatsoever be His will.
I don't care. And that's not a disenfranchised or unimpassioned statement, but one willing to endure both joy and suffering, for the sake of Christ's love.
I don't care. And I'm going to learn how to more fully surrender.
I want to forget myself entirely, in context of who Christ is. But, instead, just be who He would have me be. Who He's made me to be.
He does answer prayers. So, ask and keep on asking. Just as He's said.
His will is good, and He will not contradict anything He's ever said. I can and will wait for Him. And He will lead. And He will direct. And He will teach.
He has, and He will. He is.
I trust Him.
And I will trust Him more.
He will help me.
There's always been "leeway" to contemplate perceived possibilities and potential developments. Which...is all completely wrong-headed.
Trusting implicitly denies the option to contemplate alternatives as a perceived means of mitigating potential damage or preparing for possible eventualities.
Or, at least...apparently, sometimes it definitely precludes that from being permissible.
This has been really weird. Seriously.
Not picking things apart from end to beginning, and back again, is entirely foreign. But it's better and more in keeping with what the Lord's will is, as corroborated per Scripture.
But...I'd apparently still been very deviant on this point. Had no idea it was possible to not attempt to understand the end from the beginning. Thought that was right and good.
I thought of it as a kind of due diligence. And being confronted with what seems like reality of that not being the case at all...is kind of disorienting.
No, actually, it's absolutely disorienting. I'd been totally oriented to that sort of state of being: Continual attempt to perceive and be aware of whatsoever was going on related to my circumstances, attempting to remain cognizant even if no longer overtly attempting to influence (such restraint has been per God's gracious, continual, direct intervention).
It's just not possible to live divided and be well. Either I'm going to trust the Lord, or I'm going to trust myself. And the latter of those never worked out.
Ever. Except maybe in regard to...I don't know?--deciding to trust God.
Which...in reality, He pretty much (completely) orchestrated that, too.
So. yeah.
A lot of this boils down to the fact that attempting to think things through in any direction at present has led to incapacitating anxiety. Which. Yeah. That's a pretty effective blockade.
Especially given that every time that's started to happen, there's been the option to just say, "Lord, help. Father, help. Jesus...help." And He has, and there's been peace, and inclination to just trust Him. And wait.
I'm pretty slow on the uptake with these things--this is all pretty much what I've been getting for...couple, maybe few weeks, now? And I keep pressing the issue.
And keep being cut off by anxiety.
And keep receiving direct assistance and direction to Scripture, even. And prayer and praise.
And just...Trust. Just trust.
Which does not mean I'm going to openly discuss things, at this juncture. Especially since even thinking about the all in any way except to just ask the Lord for help, surrendering it all into His hands--to whatever end He wills, period... ...given that level of continual surrender has been the only means of pressing onward, then I'm not going to unduly upend that by dare attempting discussion of my own volition or anyone else's. Only as the Lord leads.
Which is also peculiar, in ways. I've really been struggling with the idea and right practice of discretion. Which is apparently...central and vital to much, much more than I'd realized prior to this very moment. Had no idea.
Okay, well. That makes much more sense, now.
Asking the Lord whether I've entered a parallel universe, somehow, where these sorts of things happen to me--may well represent how totally disoriented I feel. Completely out of my depths, in terms of anything even remotely familiar. Which...is actually pretty good, it's turning out.
Especially given that this is all in context of a previously unfamiliar way of "practicing His presence," in a sense. Trusting openly--from one moment to the next, aware of Jesus being present and enjoying His presence without expectation or attempted requirement regarding circumstances. Just longing for His will to be done, while relishing His love.
Just "being small"...is unexpectedly wonderful.
Too many words, from my direction. Again.
Except to consider: Who am I to undermine the Lord's work? I have done so, all my life. I've continually found fault with myself, rather than accepting God created me and fashioned me as He would have me be. And if I'm good enough for Jesus, then life is complete. So, well enough. I can cherish what I will without having to expect myself to be different than who the Lord would have me be, without wanting to be something other or lamenting perceived shortcomings...which are false, entirely false. Better to cherish the Lord's work and thank Him for what talents He's bestowed.
I don't have to be other than what I am, and I thank the Lord for that. Which also means I'm free to truly appreciate the gifts He's given to others, too.
He's lavished such love on me these past many days, and I am so overwhelmed with gratitude and love and joy and just a longing to remain in such sweet fellowship with Him and to enter more deeply, and even with those whom He has been so gracious, so absolutely gracious as to have allowed me the privilege and severe blessing of at least momentarily being alongside (with hope for additional interaction, in context of waiting upon the Lord's will), in His Presence and sharing in reverence of Him.
I'm in a bit of shock, still. Well, "a bit" is a gigantic understatement.
...and the rest of this is going to be pretty sporadically interlaced, perhaps:
Still asking the Lord for a time to go through all my things and get rid of the rest of anything which doesn't honor Him. Deleted so many things, couple days ago. Still need to do another run through to fine tune. Just...I'm probably going to end up writing out some kind of run through of my past, before coming to know Christ and just as general overview of who I am and have been, where I come from...probably, maybe--praying, still.
But I'm not clinging to the past any more. I'm done. And I don't know exactly what all that's going to look like. I don't know what all it's going to mean.
But I was willing to go on the road, live in my car, and/or appropriate means of becoming a wanderer (tent, sleeping bag, etc.) as a means of serving the Lord and pursuing Him wholeheartedly, numerous times over course of past couple years...and that's not changed, only He hasn't asked it of me...but if I'm willing to do that, then it stands to reason that I truly need to let go of what He's forgiven and freed me from. I shared of Christ with them all, in varying ways, to varying extents, and with numerous approaches--from stark clarity to nuanced reasonings. I've done as He's directed, and I'm not going to be shamed for not seeing "results."
Doesn't matter. He'll do what He'll do, I did what He directed, and that's all.
Obedience out of love for Him and others. That's enough. Even being a trial, still. It's been enough.
I may still need to apologize to one person--just crossed my mind. But the Lord will direct. Been praying about that possible necessity, for over a year now. Not dragging feet, but awaiting direction.
And the rest...eh. I'll trust the Lord.
I'll wait on Him to direct...rather than continuing to delude myself that I can somehow "figure things out" on my own. (Yes, it's about time--I know.)
I love His sense of humor. It's absolutely glorious. =) I spoke harshly of it, a few nights ago...but, reality is--just shaking my head in wonder. He is wonderful.
And it's really not humor, in the sense the world goes. No. Just...clarification according to principles which are so unique as to pleasantly shock with the utterly unexpected. He's so forthright. And clever. Absolutely clever.
Witty, in a way which isn't harsh or demeaning--rather, delightful.
Maybe there's more, too--something in Isaiah once struck me as being rife with ironic wit, too. Such a humorous way of putting things in perspective, He has--bringing the irony of our absurdity (as idolatry, in that instance) into high relief against the truth of His absolute, vital, sovereign reality.
Offered to sit alongside and listen--wait, alongside those worshipping them, for the idols to speak and to move. That is an absolutely absurd image...God sitting next to a man with an idol, waiting alongside the man as the man waits for the idol to speak--God, waiting with Him. Waiting, even, for the man to realize the absurdity of the situation.
I mean, seriously--God, Himself, sitting next to You...talking to you about the absurdity of idols (making furniture with wood, cooking for with it, then using a part of the same tree to build and idol that you worship as a god)...and going even further in to the idea of how absurd the situation is by offering to sit down alongside, and wait with us while we wait for our idols to speak.
How blind could we be, after all? Make the idol, then God reveals Himself to us, as rather than recognizing Him...we are oblivious to Him and allow Him to sit alongside while we wait for an empty, dead chalice to pour forth living water.
Seriously.
I love His humor. It's heart-breaking, too. But...endearing, at the same time.
Anyway, though. Just, as His humor goes--mine's still in recovery, so talking about His sense of humor with sarcastic, wry tone...is entirely unworthy, and was fear speaking. Not worthy, at all.
One of these days, I will explain what the irony was, regarding a serious misinterpretation of something which had seemed utterly vital, the first year and a half of walking with the Lord. Lord willing. I hope that'll come, at least.
If not, it'll be forgotten. So, either way.
And, what else?
Things have been interesting at work, still. It's some seriously dicey business, some of the things--not in terms of the world's ideas, but in terms of spiritual reality. Been having to wade through a lot of old, familiar...notions, we'll say.
The Lord is keeping me.
Really makes me wonder what the world of Biblical counseling is like--whether there's any more open confrontation of the spiritual aspect of some of what goes on, in terms of oppression/possession/whatever is a more apt term. Going to keep asking about that.
Really dicey, though. Which, I told people before even going in--the Lord had made it very clear that this job would require a much deeper, more total reliance upon Him than anything experienced prior.
And I'm only at the tip of the iceburg, perhaps.
Not crushed, though.
And...I forgot that fasting could also entail matters other than only food. So, is good. ^_^ I haven't been totally lax, after all--He works these things out, too.
He knows what I need, even if I'm not necessarily able to embrace it without His help in doing so. And even then, I don't know what His will is except that it's for good, and that He will continue to prosper me in His fellowship. Even in the fellowship of His sufferings, as need be.
So, to whatever end and by whatever means He deems fit and good--and with no regard for pain, except as one means by which He draws to fuller dependence, then rejoicing for such an opportunity...by whatever means, to Him be the glory.
I will trust. No matter what.
There is absolutely nothing else which matters.
7We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves.8We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. 9We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed.10Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies.11Yes, we live under constant danger of death because we serve Jesus, so that the life of Jesus will be evident in our dying bodies. 12So we live in the face of death, but this has resulted in eternal life for you.13But we continue to preach because we have the same kind of faith the psalmist had when he said, “I believed in God, so I spoke.” 14We know that God, who raised the Lord Jesus,will also raise us with Jesus and present us to himself together with you. 15All of this is for your benefit. And as God’s grace reaches more and more people, there will be great thanksgiving, and God will receive more and more glory.16That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. 17For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! 18So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.
2 Corinthians 4:7-16These afflictions, perplexities, and confusions are temporary. They are only related to the present circumstances of our broken world. In context of eternity, these brief years of trial will seem nearly nothing, though our salvation and progressive sanctification throughout life will forever be to the glory of our God who brought us through. We are to fix our eyes on Jesus and keep on minds on things eternal, that which is above.
That's a really strange but interesting way to go through life, really. Makes suffering a matter of rejoicing. Makes trials less daunting. Makes Christ more accessible as a present and eternal friend.
So many things.
But not a denial of reality. No attempt to pretend it's other than what it is, merely taking it in context of the larger reality in which it actually rests.
That's the part I struggle with--seeing something which is distressing, troublesome, absolutely impossible...and knowing that somehow, though it looms larger than daily life, it's still absolutely tiny and unworthy of notice in context of the truth of who God is and who we are in Christ.
Maintaining that perspective in the midst of a world full of hustle, bustle, self-importance, and self-seeking--all concerned with the absolutely finite, the immediate, and disposable convenience...? That requires God's intervention.
He's willing, though. Which--I forget that, a lot. I forget He's willing to keep my eyes fixed on Him, keep my heart tuned to sing His praise, and keep my mind alert to His leading rather than carnal response to physically apparent pressures and influences.
Keep thinking about a story told my David Pawson in one of his sermons from Jeremiah--can't remember which chapters...but of meeting a farmer, seeing a dog with leg braces, and concluding that for such a one to have received such special care...must be such an animal. Such an animal.
Pawson made it clear he didn't intend to offend anyone, but that he did feel as though he saw a reflection of the Father as that farmer spoke of the dog, telling him what had happened. That he was such a good dog, and he didn't realize what was happening--he told the dog to sit, stay. Couldn't see or hear around whatever building or so the dog was next to...noted his dog kept looking, anxiously as though he wanted to move, but refused to because he'd been given the order to stay. Let a tractor run over him, to obey his master.
Said the man cried, saying of course he had his legs fixed. He was such a good dog. Such a good dog.
Obedient unto death. As we're to be.
As our Lord was.
For the joy set before Him, which wasn't a joy visible to the carnal mind. Wasn't a joy which took stock of the impossibility of the situation, in the physical.
No, He endured for the eternal joy set before Him. His eyes fixed on heaven and on us, His beloved bride.
So, if I'm not to continue getting lost in thought, as to evade anxiety and enter trust, surrendering all to Him, whatsoever be His will.
I don't care. And that's not a disenfranchised or unimpassioned statement, but one willing to endure both joy and suffering, for the sake of Christ's love.
I don't care. And I'm going to learn how to more fully surrender.
I want to forget myself entirely, in context of who Christ is. But, instead, just be who He would have me be. Who He's made me to be.
He does answer prayers. So, ask and keep on asking. Just as He's said.
His will is good, and He will not contradict anything He's ever said. I can and will wait for Him. And He will lead. And He will direct. And He will teach.
He has, and He will. He is.
I trust Him.
And I will trust Him more.
He will help me.
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