Remembering Sin?

Still so confused.

I will trust the Lord, He will lead. That's what He does.

Long days, yesterday and Tuesday, but the Lord was so gracious in so many ways. He made Himself known as companion and shepherd throughout both days. Directed me in so many ways.

Still discussing what discretion means, and what its place in life is. I'd rather do as before, and just hand over absolutely every piece (bit by bit, as they're recollected to mind--it takes a while and is very piecemeal, given the way memory works at this juncture). Let them fall where they may.

But I don't think that's the way the Lord would have done.

I don't have an issue with talking about the wretched things I did, before Christ changed me and began to sanctify me unto Himself. Recounting every single instance of sin seems excessive, though. Furthermore, recounting every temptation to sin seems as though it would be destructive, even--bringing temptation to mind, to be fought again.

I still don't quite get what that fine line between acknowledging God's mercy and glorifying Him per giving testimony of how His grace extended to such a sinner...and where it becomes worship (even as giving worth) to sin.

Kind of like--in times past--when sharing would occur between people attempting to prove victorious as the one who'd been most reckless with their life: That glorified the sinfulness of sin. It was a relishing of evil, a public rejoicing in it. It was wickedness. And it doesn't honor God.

Similarly, when recounting emotional pains--past what point does the recollection of an instance of mockery or rejection go from being an expression of pain for sake of letting it go more fully, surrendering as accepting...then, past what point does it become gossip? It seems, in retrospect, a matter of heart. But I'm not entirely sure. And only the Lord really clearly sees our hearts.

So, it seems like there's a very, very fine line. And I think I have a tendency to cross it, still. So...as goes discretion (assuming this is the way it works, since it's the way everything works)...I'm going to just trust the Lord to guide my speech. And when I err, I'm going to trust Him to correct me and lead me to do what pleases Him.

Interacting with people for extended spans of time, recently, I've really begun to feel as though I needed a notebook, so to write down all the particular things which needed to be apologized for as they come to attention--of tone, thoughtless speech, and ungracious humor. I can't remember every instance, now, but when attempt to apologize most recently occurred, only two instances were recollected in specific.

I remember two more, now. But unless I write them down, it's very likely I won't remember them sufficient to actually apologize. And I'm not even sure if it's right and good to interject all interaction with constant apology. That did pretty much used to be a thing, too--constant apology, just for being present really.

So, on that count, as well--I'm going to just trust Jesus to lead me, moment by moment. Rather than keeping a notebook of sins, which even sounds wretched.

I don't know that anything else would work, anyway. Christ alone really knows what's up, on the whole.

So, though I'd be willing to sit down and recount every single sin, I'd rather wait for the Lord to direct in terms of whether it's right or good to actually do so. And I'd have to trust all such things would actually come to mind, anyway--my memory is much like swiss cheese, as it goes.

So I'm not sure that's right or good to discuss all the wretchedness of life outside surrender to Christ. The Lord said He's thrown my sins in the sea of His forgetfulness--so, while things do come to mind to remind of my lack of righteousness outside of Christ, when I reach points of becoming self-righteous in thought... Really, it's generally only the accuser who reminds me of my sin and asks me to dwell on it.

I defer to Christ, though. Not the devil. So Jesus is going to have to line me out. I'm not capable of unraveling myself.

And since He's not letting me run away, at present...
...I'm going to keep trusting and praying for help on all sides.

Prayer and fasting have been overdue for a number of weeks, now. I know a lot of folks don't have much regard for fasting, these days...but I don't even care. The Lord's let me approach in that way, to much benefit.

Very glad of protein powders and shakes, though, because I'm not trying to incapacitate or literally kill myself. Just to overwhelm the flesh--seeking Christ more whole-mindedly as requiring His assistance more fully, moment by moment, to endure and thrive in the midst.

Yup.

Navigating shared meals in the midst of those such things...never fun. I will trust the Lord to lead.