...

Must take up the cross. Wherever He leads.

Jesus will line out the details--He, alone, can. He'll eradicate impurities, in the fires of affliction.

There's no other way. He, alone, can do it.

I forget so quickly that Christ owns me. I'm His. To do with as He will. Period. I surrendered choice, surrendering to Him--He's sovereign. It's His will I want, not my own. Doesn't mean I always jump quickly to do what He asks, unfortunately...but He has a way of drawing me through.

And, still, I can tell Him the things I want--I can ask Him for anything my heart desires--but, like a good Father, He'll only allot what's right and good for me and for others. No matter whether perceived lack hurts, in the process.

Again and again, though, there's continual message that it's suicide to go it alone, as a Christian. No lone wolves.

And I know this, and I know fellowship is right and good and necessary. But I'm so neurotic that anything less than constant redirection to Christ ends up allowing for all manner of anxiety to manifest, while yielding space to other problems, too. So being constant--even regularly--alongside others is not a thing that's easy, in a world where so much else constantly demands attention.

And it's not right or good to just be alongside absolutely anyone, either--that's proven very destructive in the past. I just have to trust the Lord will line it out, and in the meantime will be the iron to sharpen.

Yet, I need to be careful in coming alongside, even momentarily. It may hurt others that I would run away, again and again--something I'd never considered before...just...
Lord, help.

I can't do this.

I can't be with people without completely spazzing out, especially if I care about them. And especially experiencing something akin to what seems like it would be to have family, again, or for once, or however.

I just can't do this, Lord. I don't have the strength.

And if it were only of family, then maybe it would be easier.
Lord, all things concerned need be acknowledged in some capacity. And I don't have the strength to do it. But it has to be done. Everything has to be brought into the light and kept there, regardless how terrifying, regardless consequences.

Lord, if You lead me, I will do what You would have me do. You direct my steps and my speech, and I will stop running. You hold me still, and I will endure.

Because that has to be done. And a particular conversation has to occur. But I can't do it, in my own strength. It's too much to acknowledge, openly.

You direct. Make clear the way, I'll go.
But I won't do it alone--not in my own strength.

You have to lead, Lord.

You have to.

Because I can't do this.

But I can't keep running from what scares me.
People are hurt that way. And that's unendurable.