But something a friend shared has had me wondering what it really must be, to have a godly marriage. Getting a glimpse of what may go for a godly man, from the outset, I've been wondering and asking the Lord what it is for a woman.
All this sort, still in context of surrender to Christ--I don't quite have the strength to hope for such things as seem so far beyond me, at this point. But curiosity is what it is, so I've asked the Lord to clarify some aspects of the way He's intended things. Then well enough to share, since He has been so kind as to elaborate particular points of importance (more even than has been shared here.... but for brevity's sake).
There are so many things which are necessary, right, and good for a woman become a wife(--yeah, Proverbs 31 stuff).
Respect which plays out as ardent support and unwavering belief in ability, is vital, for one. Utterly sincere in acknowledging God's work in and through, rejoicing to see God glorified in the beloved--no matter trials, whatever they may be. Heartfelt and active support, then. Steadfast. And incorporating ongoing, ardent beseeching the Lord for favor and blessing, direction and strength to the one beloved.
Humility would also be foremost. Just as with Christ, realizing and embracing that He is rightly the lead, then same of the beloved--no matter what a moment's pride might attempt to assert, in arrogance, instead deferring gladly to authority given by God. As Christ is the head of the church--he determines direction and plans the steps--then so is a godly husband head of the family.
Even as the Lord does enjoy that we come to Him in love and speak our minds (even pleading with Him, at times), then still--He will do what He determines right. He doesn't use His authority as a sledgehammer to destroy, and it's not haphazardly wielded, abusive. Not at all--so, all the more to be absolutely cherished and heeded. His word stands supreme.
The same deference due Christ is similarly due to anyone He's placed as head of a family, is a major point.
That's not a trivial matter, on any side. So, all the more reason to respect and to pray.
On that point I received the greatest shock, today--I've often struggled (and still do) with a "desire to assert myself and be seen as right." That's totally out of place in any fellowship, but would be especially horrific and disgraceful and hurtful in a marriage. It's been slow going, learning to deny pride's desire to assert self. And I still fail so miserably on that front, so often--I'm still learning to discard so many things long-believed in total error. But His grace is sufficient. I don't have to be arrogant, I can be full of grace and mercy and love and submissiveness. Even as Christ submitted to the Father's will, so has He been leading me in how to submit to Him. And then to others.
One of the things that's struck me most deeply, in terms of discussing all these matters with the Lord again--there's something of being given a husband after God's heart which would be receiving a direct representative of the Lord's own love, just in earthly terms.
Which...would make for an absolute longing to be submissive, to be obedient, to walk in a way which honors--same as with the Lord. None of which is because of subjugation or out of a sense of duty. Not at all. No. But out of love.
And--as with the Lord--out of ardent desire to do whatsoever would bring a smile or be pleasing.
These things have struck as true from the outside, at least--peering through the lens of Scripture and of experience with Christ through prayer and the fellowship of His Spirit. These bits recounted are things which have resounded most solidly.
I still struggle sometimes with the idea that the Lord loves me, though. Even after seeing His love displayed, first-hand, and even given that He's shown me in so many other ways, all my life--still I struggle. Again and again, I reach a point of suspecting it's absolutely not possible that He would love me, given all I've done to spite Him. So, I have to hear it from Him again. And again. And He hasn't despised me for needing reassurance. And as time has passed...I've begun to believe more deeply and with less doubt, gradually.
Same goes for those He sends more direct, too, though. Friends, especially--as though, past a certain point, I expect I'm only being delusional in thinking people want me around. Expecting I'm actually a nuisance, at best, and a pariah in general. There are very, very few people who don't lose patience with me. And some of the more recent friendships I'd had turned out very duplicitous and manipulative.
So I'm just expecting rejection in general, at this point. I do try people's patience, unintentionally but apparently a lot. And acknowledgement of sincere care doesn't equate to acceptance, unfortunately. Plausible deniability has been a way of life for a long, long time.
None of that is good. It's still rooted in fear, so is self-preserving rather than truly loving Christ or others--although there's a negative self-view represented, that's still prideful.
The Lord has been chipping away at that, progressively, for a while.
He'll continue. And it was really helping to read the reassuring words of a friend, recently, on that account. Maybe should reread some more.
Things were absolutely wonderful until I started analyzing things, today, actually. Praying was fine, asking the Lord questions was fine. Then, I had to go and try to pick things apart. Rather than just continuing to trust the Lord.
Please bear with me. Things right now are very peculiar.
And the friends I'd like to see tomorrow...I may not. Not as much because of fear as for beginning to feel slightly unwell mid-afternoon. Mild fever-type unwell. And not for the first time, this week.
And the friends I'd like to see tomorrow...I may not. Not as much because of fear as for beginning to feel slightly unwell mid-afternoon. Mild fever-type unwell. And not for the first time, this week.
I'd rather not bring an epidemic, despite longing for the fellowship.
Short of God intervening and preventing (which He does, sometimes--just usually not in regard to this)...I'm not going to miss church on Sunday, though.
a Dieu vous comant
No comments:
Post a Comment