There's always been "leeway" to contemplate perceived possibilities and potential developments. Which...is all completely wrong-headed.
Trusting implicitly denies the option to contemplate alternatives as a perceived means of mitigating potential damage or preparing for possible eventualities.
Or, at least...apparently, sometimes it definitely precludes that from being permissible.
This has been really weird. Seriously.
Not picking things apart from end to beginning, and back again, is entirely foreign. But it's better and more in keeping with what the Lord's will is, as corroborated per Scripture.
But...I'd apparently still been very deviant on this point. Had no idea it was possible to not attempt to understand the end from the beginning. Thought that was right and good.
I thought of it as a kind of due diligence. And being confronted with what seems like reality of that not being the case at all...is kind of disorienting.
No, actually, it's absolutely disorienting. I'd been totally oriented to that sort of state of being: Continual attempt to perceive and be aware of whatsoever was going on related to my circumstances, attempting to remain cognizant even if no longer overtly attempting to influence (such restraint has been per God's gracious, continual, direct intervention).
It's just not possible to live divided and be well. Either I'm going to trust the Lord, or I'm going to trust myself. And the latter of those never worked out.
Ever. Except maybe in regard to...I don't know?--deciding to trust God.
Which...in reality, He pretty much (completely) orchestrated that, too.
So. yeah.
A lot of this boils down to the fact that attempting to think things through in any direction at present has led to incapacitating anxiety. Which. Yeah. That's a pretty effective blockade.
Especially given that every time that's started to happen, there's been the option to just say, "Lord, help. Father, help. Jesus...help." And He has, and there's been peace, and inclination to just trust Him. And wait.
I'm pretty slow on the uptake with these things--this is all pretty much what I've been getting for...couple, maybe few weeks, now? And I keep pressing the issue.
And keep being cut off by anxiety.
And keep receiving direct assistance and direction to Scripture, even. And prayer and praise.
And just...Trust. Just trust.
Which does not mean I'm going to openly discuss things, at this juncture. Especially since even thinking about the all in any way except to just ask the Lord for help, surrendering it all into His hands--to whatever end He wills, period... ...given that level of continual surrender has been the only means of pressing onward, then I'm not going to unduly upend that by dare attempting discussion of my own volition or anyone else's. Only as the Lord leads.
Which is also peculiar, in ways. I've really been struggling with the idea and right practice of discretion. Which is apparently...central and vital to much, much more than I'd realized prior to this very moment. Had no idea.
Okay, well. That makes much more sense, now.
Asking the Lord whether I've entered a parallel universe, somehow, where these sorts of things happen to me--may well represent how totally disoriented I feel. Completely out of my depths, in terms of anything even remotely familiar. Which...is actually pretty good, it's turning out.
Especially given that this is all in context of a previously unfamiliar way of "practicing His presence," in a sense. Trusting openly--from one moment to the next, aware of Jesus being present and enjoying His presence without expectation or attempted requirement regarding circumstances. Just longing for His will to be done, while relishing His love.
Just "being small"...is unexpectedly wonderful.
Too many words, from my direction. Again.
Except to consider: Who am I to undermine the Lord's work? I have done so, all my life. I've continually found fault with myself, rather than accepting God created me and fashioned me as He would have me be. And if I'm good enough for Jesus, then life is complete. So, well enough. I can cherish what I will without having to expect myself to be different than who the Lord would have me be, without wanting to be something other or lamenting perceived shortcomings...which are false, entirely false. Better to cherish the Lord's work and thank Him for what talents He's bestowed.
I don't have to be other than what I am, and I thank the Lord for that. Which also means I'm free to truly appreciate the gifts He's given to others, too.
He's lavished such love on me these past many days, and I am so overwhelmed with gratitude and love and joy and just a longing to remain in such sweet fellowship with Him and to enter more deeply, and even with those whom He has been so gracious, so absolutely gracious as to have allowed me the privilege and severe blessing of at least momentarily being alongside (with hope for additional interaction, in context of waiting upon the Lord's will), in His Presence and sharing in reverence of Him.
I'm in a bit of shock, still. Well, "a bit" is a gigantic understatement.
...and the rest of this is going to be pretty sporadically interlaced, perhaps:
Still asking the Lord for a time to go through all my things and get rid of the rest of anything which doesn't honor Him. Deleted so many things, couple days ago. Still need to do another run through to fine tune. Just...I'm probably going to end up writing out some kind of run through of my past, before coming to know Christ and just as general overview of who I am and have been, where I come from...probably, maybe--praying, still.
But I'm not clinging to the past any more. I'm done. And I don't know exactly what all that's going to look like. I don't know what all it's going to mean.
But I was willing to go on the road, live in my car, and/or appropriate means of becoming a wanderer (tent, sleeping bag, etc.) as a means of serving the Lord and pursuing Him wholeheartedly, numerous times over course of past couple years...and that's not changed, only He hasn't asked it of me...but if I'm willing to do that, then it stands to reason that I truly need to let go of what He's forgiven and freed me from. I shared of Christ with them all, in varying ways, to varying extents, and with numerous approaches--from stark clarity to nuanced reasonings. I've done as He's directed, and I'm not going to be shamed for not seeing "results."
Doesn't matter. He'll do what He'll do, I did what He directed, and that's all.
Obedience out of love for Him and others. That's enough. Even being a trial, still. It's been enough.
I may still need to apologize to one person--just crossed my mind. But the Lord will direct. Been praying about that possible necessity, for over a year now. Not dragging feet, but awaiting direction.
And the rest...eh. I'll trust the Lord.
I'll wait on Him to direct...rather than continuing to delude myself that I can somehow "figure things out" on my own. (Yes, it's about time--I know.)
I love His sense of humor. It's absolutely glorious. =) I spoke harshly of it, a few nights ago...but, reality is--just shaking my head in wonder. He is wonderful.
And it's really not humor, in the sense the world goes. No. Just...clarification according to principles which are so unique as to pleasantly shock with the utterly unexpected. He's so forthright. And clever. Absolutely clever.
Witty, in a way which isn't harsh or demeaning--rather, delightful.
Maybe there's more, too--something in Isaiah once struck me as being rife with ironic wit, too. Such a humorous way of putting things in perspective, He has--bringing the irony of our absurdity (as idolatry, in that instance) into high relief against the truth of His absolute, vital, sovereign reality.
Offered to sit alongside and listen--wait, alongside those worshipping them, for the idols to speak and to move. That is an absolutely absurd image...God sitting next to a man with an idol, waiting alongside the man as the man waits for the idol to speak--God, waiting with Him. Waiting, even, for the man to realize the absurdity of the situation.
I mean, seriously--God, Himself, sitting next to You...talking to you about the absurdity of idols (making furniture with wood, cooking for with it, then using a part of the same tree to build and idol that you worship as a god)...and going even further in to the idea of how absurd the situation is by offering to sit down alongside, and wait with us while we wait for our idols to speak.
How blind could we be, after all? Make the idol, then God reveals Himself to us, as rather than recognizing Him...we are oblivious to Him and allow Him to sit alongside while we wait for an empty, dead chalice to pour forth living water.
Seriously.
I love His humor. It's heart-breaking, too. But...endearing, at the same time.
Anyway, though. Just, as His humor goes--mine's still in recovery, so talking about His sense of humor with sarcastic, wry tone...is entirely unworthy, and was fear speaking. Not worthy, at all.
One of these days, I will explain what the irony was, regarding a serious misinterpretation of something which had seemed utterly vital, the first year and a half of walking with the Lord. Lord willing. I hope that'll come, at least.
If not, it'll be forgotten. So, either way.
And, what else?
Things have been interesting at work, still. It's some seriously dicey business, some of the things--not in terms of the world's ideas, but in terms of spiritual reality. Been having to wade through a lot of old, familiar...notions, we'll say.
The Lord is keeping me.
Really makes me wonder what the world of Biblical counseling is like--whether there's any more open confrontation of the spiritual aspect of some of what goes on, in terms of oppression/possession/whatever is a more apt term. Going to keep asking about that.
Really dicey, though. Which, I told people before even going in--the Lord had made it very clear that this job would require a much deeper, more total reliance upon Him than anything experienced prior.
And I'm only at the tip of the iceburg, perhaps.
Not crushed, though.
And...I forgot that fasting could also entail matters other than only food. So, is good. ^_^ I haven't been totally lax, after all--He works these things out, too.
He knows what I need, even if I'm not necessarily able to embrace it without His help in doing so. And even then, I don't know what His will is except that it's for good, and that He will continue to prosper me in His fellowship. Even in the fellowship of His sufferings, as need be.
So, to whatever end and by whatever means He deems fit and good--and with no regard for pain, except as one means by which He draws to fuller dependence, then rejoicing for such an opportunity...by whatever means, to Him be the glory.
I will trust. No matter what.
There is absolutely nothing else which matters.
7We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves.8We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. 9We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed.10Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies.11Yes, we live under constant danger of death because we serve Jesus, so that the life of Jesus will be evident in our dying bodies. 12So we live in the face of death, but this has resulted in eternal life for you.13But we continue to preach because we have the same kind of faith the psalmist had when he said, “I believed in God, so I spoke.” 14We know that God, who raised the Lord Jesus,will also raise us with Jesus and present us to himself together with you. 15All of this is for your benefit. And as God’s grace reaches more and more people, there will be great thanksgiving, and God will receive more and more glory.16That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. 17For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! 18So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.
2 Corinthians 4:7-16These afflictions, perplexities, and confusions are temporary. They are only related to the present circumstances of our broken world. In context of eternity, these brief years of trial will seem nearly nothing, though our salvation and progressive sanctification throughout life will forever be to the glory of our God who brought us through. We are to fix our eyes on Jesus and keep on minds on things eternal, that which is above.
That's a really strange but interesting way to go through life, really. Makes suffering a matter of rejoicing. Makes trials less daunting. Makes Christ more accessible as a present and eternal friend.
So many things.
But not a denial of reality. No attempt to pretend it's other than what it is, merely taking it in context of the larger reality in which it actually rests.
That's the part I struggle with--seeing something which is distressing, troublesome, absolutely impossible...and knowing that somehow, though it looms larger than daily life, it's still absolutely tiny and unworthy of notice in context of the truth of who God is and who we are in Christ.
Maintaining that perspective in the midst of a world full of hustle, bustle, self-importance, and self-seeking--all concerned with the absolutely finite, the immediate, and disposable convenience...? That requires God's intervention.
He's willing, though. Which--I forget that, a lot. I forget He's willing to keep my eyes fixed on Him, keep my heart tuned to sing His praise, and keep my mind alert to His leading rather than carnal response to physically apparent pressures and influences.
Keep thinking about a story told my David Pawson in one of his sermons from Jeremiah--can't remember which chapters...but of meeting a farmer, seeing a dog with leg braces, and concluding that for such a one to have received such special care...must be such an animal. Such an animal.
Pawson made it clear he didn't intend to offend anyone, but that he did feel as though he saw a reflection of the Father as that farmer spoke of the dog, telling him what had happened. That he was such a good dog, and he didn't realize what was happening--he told the dog to sit, stay. Couldn't see or hear around whatever building or so the dog was next to...noted his dog kept looking, anxiously as though he wanted to move, but refused to because he'd been given the order to stay. Let a tractor run over him, to obey his master.
Said the man cried, saying of course he had his legs fixed. He was such a good dog. Such a good dog.
Obedient unto death. As we're to be.
As our Lord was.
For the joy set before Him, which wasn't a joy visible to the carnal mind. Wasn't a joy which took stock of the impossibility of the situation, in the physical.
No, He endured for the eternal joy set before Him. His eyes fixed on heaven and on us, His beloved bride.
So, if I'm not to continue getting lost in thought, as to evade anxiety and enter trust, surrendering all to Him, whatsoever be His will.
I don't care. And that's not a disenfranchised or unimpassioned statement, but one willing to endure both joy and suffering, for the sake of Christ's love.
I don't care. And I'm going to learn how to more fully surrender.
I want to forget myself entirely, in context of who Christ is. But, instead, just be who He would have me be. Who He's made me to be.
He does answer prayers. So, ask and keep on asking. Just as He's said.
His will is good, and He will not contradict anything He's ever said. I can and will wait for Him. And He will lead. And He will direct. And He will teach.
He has, and He will. He is.
I trust Him.
And I will trust Him more.
He will help me.
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