Rambling

Battling so many accusations, right now. Sleep has even been difficult.

Things regarding interaction, especially, have been points of accusation--reminded how often words bring pain. Unintentional hurt. Thoughtlessness leads to offense. And innate lack of ability to control for every possible interpretation necessarily entails wrong interpretation, at times.

Accusations, still, are with attempt to convince me I need to remove myself from the company of others. Period. For the well-being of others. Even with the coup de grace of accusations that, "if [I] really care, [I'd] leave them alone and get away from them before [I] really hurt them."

If the Lord wills it, then so be it. He'll keep me, through anything, as it be His will...He has been. He will. Grievous, though much has been--still, there's been rejoicing to know Christ.

I don't want to move an inch unless He directs, though. It's bad enough to want things, let alone admit it in any capacity regarding hope for interaction--admitting it to myself is just slightly less difficult than admitting the same to others. Insufficient reason to run away, though, just to avoid the difficulty of being honest about wanting fellowship, just to avoid the potential pain of rejection.

And, besides--making myself into some pariah capable of harming everything in my path does a disservice to the Lord's ability and desire to work good even through the worst circumstances and people. He's capable of preserving and of turning what the enemy would have be for evil into greater good. And I've yet to experience an instance wherein some moment of pain hasn't been turned toward further deliverance, deeper rejoicing. He redeems even the worst moments and gaffes. Mercifully. Graciously. He uses pain as a means to draw me nearer, so often.

Not to justify self-centeredness which works harm toward others nor to establish any means of avoiding the grief of knowing pain has come to others beloved, unintentionally...but, Jesus is able to redeem, and it's more to His glory that He's so willing to do so. He works through the strangest of things, it seems.

I'm only an imperfect vessel, which even that is entirely by grace. So willfulness and selfishness are still too frequently interjected into actions. But the Lord isn't finished with me.

And He's merciful to redeem my errors in ways which show Himself great and loving...despite my inconstancy. For the sake of His own faithfulness.

Current internal struggle is also taking place along the front of renewed expectation that people will recoil away from me--at some point realizing my wretchedness and lingering flaws, withdrawing from interaction. To some extent seeing how broken and wretched and...dark my heart is, still, there's ongoing struggle with the idea that rejection would be rightful, seeking to preserve and guard the relative innocence of others.

That's been an ongoing battle--that my mere presence is enough to endanger others and harm them.

So, I'm battling that. Battling that expectation of harm and of rejection. Because the Lord is able to preserve and to redeem. He's able to salvage even me, so He's certainly able to preserve anyone whose presence He happens to allow me to enter for a time.

And even if rejection were to happen, Jesus would keep me and draw me nearer to Himself through the process.

Moments like this, it feels shameful to even use His name. He's given me freedom, He's borne my shame. I want to live like it. And to trust Him more fully.

One of the most difficult things for me to learn, as a child/adult--one of the things which has been most difficult to bring to the Lord for clarification, now--was how to control my emotions and stop myself from speaking my mind. These things, so as not to unintentionally offend anyone with either--Mom was constantly telling me, "think, before you speak," and the emotional regulation was more self-directed as a means of attempting to avoid pain by restricting the experience of hope or devastation.

Which all made for so much anxiety.
And that anxiety precludes ability to think or feel, now.
It only used to prevent ability to speak and feel.

Now it prevents both thought and speech and feeling.

That level of anxiety makes it often seem better to just say absolutely nothing at all rather than suffer through potential for error. Except that the Lord lead, things turn out really destructively anyway...and except that He is able and willing to redeem errors.

I'm going to keep fighting this battle, though.

I'm going to keep asking the Lord to clarify what His way actually is, in terms of controlling emotions and regulating speech. Controlling emotions has always seemed led to a hardening of my heart, is what confuses me--that can't be right, it isn't good.

So, if attempting to control the way I feel then becomes something else, something false and hollow--something the Lord has had to deliver me from, again and again, even if sometimes only to deeper degrees--that's not right. Which doesn't mean that all feelings are God-honoring. Doesn't mean that every emotion needs to be pursued for full expression (anger, especially is a "no"). What it does seem to mean is that even my feelings need to be brought to the Lord, examined in light of Scripture, and surrendered to Jesus--prior to anything else.

Trying to "decide" how to feel has continually led to mental breakdowns.
But refraining from ongoing surrender of emotions to Christ has meant being overwhelmed by feelings, to a point of going into a sort of shock--again and again--which has also been really trying.

So it seems the better way is to go to the Lord with them. Prayerfully.
And not to speak lightly of emotions, either.

The Lord feels, He experiences emotion. It's so difficult to accept that it's okay and right and good to do likewise, but I will trust that He's both willing and totally able to help with these, too.

I won't be ruled by emotion, but I'm not going to rule it out, either. I'm going to trust the Lord to lead and to preserve. Including trusting Him to keep me from going around crying all day. Because...yeah--that wouldn't necessarily be helpful or beneficial.

Has to be tempered by joy. Even Jeremiah had a moment of rejoicing in God's compassion and faithfulness and mercies in the midst of his lamentations--right center of them, actually, in chapter 3. Rejoicing to know God and understand Him was still at the heart of all grief.

I'm just another sinner, saved by grace.
And the Lord's grace is sufficient to continue keeping me and others who are near me.

Running away from feelings has so much appeal, though. Wanting to avoid anything which elicits emotion?--so much a compulsion.  Consider that I did work from home for two years. For many reasons, really.
But even here--being on computer, with access to so much of the world's doings--emotional, to learn of what goes on in the world. Yet the sharing of emotions with others is more fearful than even to bear them alone.

So what--there are many things I'm just not doing well. At all. Even having some "logical" idea of how things are "supposed to" look/work. The Lord's going to have to help, because I just can't. Just not in me.

And I keep remembering that the alternate, was even consciously attempted for one brief moment last year (grievous to admit). Shameful and there's continued remorse (really need to let it go, having been forgiven)...

Just being entirely forthright has always been sufficient to alienate and drive people away. So, being entirely forthcoming with thoughts--presenting all confidence and boldness, despite not often feeling it--has in the past been an intentional means of driving people away.

At this point, I'm just done.
There are moments, like Thursday evening and somewhat Friday morning, when the joy of knowing the Lord is enough to make me want to shout from the rooftops of His goodness and love...sincerely. Only my version of that takes digital form.

But more often, the battle rages as attempt to refrain from giving in to seeing myself as more than I am. I'm really much of nothing, so any "effect" I might have on people is permitted by God, hopefully directed by Him, but definitely will be redeemed by Him despite my wretchedness. Just because He's good. Not as something to be self-congratulatory about. Not as something to make for lack of concern in interactions with others.

I need to go walk. Drive.
Something.

Yes.