Along the lines of development.

Everything is still, and presumably will evermore be, completely suspended. Even in the midst of "crisis," there's still some sense of everything being in the midst of transition, anymore.

Sensing, perceiving in an ineffable way, that everything going on is held completely aloft by an unseen force which is holding back various objects and circumstances and individuals from coming to blows with one another, again and again, without much provocation except as merely per course of what would occur unrestrainedly.

Sensing God's presence in the midst, according to another way of putting it. Whereas, before knowing Christ personally (a statement which feels as thought it always needs to be elaborately qualified according to lengthy disclaimer), everything seemed to continually operate according to varying elements of chaos. My other, previously dominant G+ profile still bears the testimony whereby I considered myself someone who "direct[ed] the flow of chaos."

Everything seemed to be completely unhinged, in ways. Life in New Orleans brought that observation to ever-sharper relief, in contrast with prior assumptions that everything in nature operates entirely according to stringent laws which are inerrantly efficient and orderly in their processes. Not so, there. Nor even prior, according to the way of the few years' time spent living in Pinellas County, Florida.

In Florida, though, there was still some semblance of order (granted, in the midst of circumstances which in retrospect were completely chaotic). Go to work (between 65 and 80 hours a week), come home (receive abuse in whatever form manifested), communicate online. Repeat. Escape.

And on.

Generally, the entire process of day-to-day life was completely taken for granted as inalterable and unwavering. One day into the next. No changes. Even in the midst of the abuse, it was still just a "normal" thing. There was no surprise there. There was no sense of potential for change. It just was.
And it was accepted as routine.

Until a point was reached wherein a precipice had been reached, beyond which the abuse could no longer be tolerated. Death became preferable to continued mental, emotional, physical torment. Rather to be ended than to continue in such abject misery.

I ran away. Prepared for one of the two jobs, having snuck a few things into the trunk of the car over the brief time prior. A college-edition Merriam's Webster dictionary, a copy of Kahlil Gibran's The Prophet, and Anne Rice's Memnoch the Devil. No food, no water. Just over $100 cash, from cashing the paycheck received on-site as going in to work, cashing the check, then telling them I had to leave town. No cell phone. Just a decision to leave without telling anyone, desperate to escape, not knowing what to do...not having any idea of anything as an alternate course--nothing even occurred to me, and I'd really not thought about it before now, in the years since that June, 2003..
..maybe there were other courses.

Either way, I went to New Orleans. Arrived after 10pm, on June 9, 2003. And went to the river. Walked to the river. Running through options, as to what to do. Sell the car, start over. Sell the car, buy enough of anything which would dull senses enough as to jump.

But, walking there...having come to a point of deciding on that latter course, then enduring the dullness and the weight of horror settled on...staring mindlessly into space, just breathing in the ominous lethargy encroaching evermore.. ..as trite as it sounds.. ..I started to hear a song. As trite as it seems, in retrospect, in the telling.. ..Journey's Don't Stop Believin' was playing somewhere, the chorus, and it caught me unawares for a moment. Just listening, in the midst of horrified revelation of my own darker designs.. ..drawn out of them, for just a moment, by that song.

Then, to reject it, to shake my head and shake off the implications of the idea of hope. And the song faded, and a desperation arose anew, within. Just to hear the song again, straining against the sound of the water, the obliqueness of the despondency within, and the unknown breadth between the source of the song and my location.. ..to hear it again..

..and I did. Somehow. Despite that it had faded entirely, a moment prior. I heard it, again, and listened--giving my all to just listen, just to experience that distant hope, vicarious of such a nebulous strain of melody as momentarily transfixed, entirely.

Losing myself, utterly, in that moment. The horror lost its hold.

And coming free, to walk. By the aquarium, descending. Then to be stopped short in my tracks, transfixed again...as the crowd evaporated.. ..looking up to see the very form of death, sought to meet--the very reason for having come..

...immobilized, except to stand in wonder and realization. Seeing death pass right before me, in those moments. And yet immobilized from approaching any further. Immobilized perhaps only by the lingering echo of a distant hope, so unfamiliar yet so utterly yearned for.

I went back, then. I called. And called others at one of the jobs--the job which hadn't been notified out my emergency exit.

And slept. Such a sound, yet broken sleep--full of the vision and conversation with a death so beloved, as sought across so many miles. Yet, blessedly restricted from consummation therewith as would dislodge return unto eventual salvation. The torment, though, which lingers vaguely still on that point is there remains an unmistakable lingering regard for the other which is beyond the pale as acceptable. Much prayer persists on that account, in so many ways.

Prayer, and prayer alone. The Lord is faithful to deliver. He has and will, evermore.

Just... ...through all those many hours, through all those many moments of shocked horror even unto coldest depths of resigned despondency...

...there was still a sense of everything being entirely contained and entirely ordered. There was a sense of relentless continuity, a sense of everything being firmly fixed in place according to conceivable order.

Despite that, looking back, I see that there were so many things taken for granted as inalterable which just...weren't. Merely, my own stance was just so unyielding as to prevent even preliminary consideration of alternate courses. Whatsoever was decided upon would be accomplished, regardless of what actions (even unto self-sacrifices) were required in order to proceed.

So many assumptions. Assuming, always, that no matter what, no matter what happened, everything could thus would succumb to will and determination.

Period.

Which, in terms of those darker thoughts...that was a relatively contorted bit of mental gymnastics, having ever devolved to that point: Simultaneously a matter of maintaining the illusion of control and of having reached a point of complete despondency.

Just, there was still a sense of immediacy. A sense of inalterability. Of being in a fixed point, and being restricted to a limited number of responses in tandem with the stance maintained.

New Orleans changed that, somewhat.

A particular of my best friends and I used to discuss it, fairly regularly--everything seemed to operate according to different principles, in New Orleans.

I wish there were something substantial to given in explanation, but she was always the more detail-minded of us two, on that account. Mostly, it was just a matter of somehow always finding oneself with one's head above water, despite ever drowning--simultaneously being completely overwhelmed by everything going on, yet always constantly experiencing moments of abject, unexpected, inexplicable wonder which somehow would make it all wholly seem worthwhile...as beautiful. In suffering, even...just prismatic--shades of experience ultimately constituting the inexplicable wonder of existence.

Like watching an elderly man stop feebly in the middle of an intersection, specifically to pop a passing bubble with his cane...even as pausing momentarily longer to watch others drift, iridescent, by on the wind...before continuing the halting, somewhat pained pace alone the way.

Observing that precisely, along an evening of solitude spent at a sidewalk table in the French Quarter, has seemed still to best epitomize life in New Orleans.

Drifting, iridescent beauty ever inexplicably, seemingly randomly interspersed along the overall struggle. Throughout.

So, even as every day was much a matter of going and doing the seemingly same things over and over again, along a somewhat fixed course, there was always an element of the unexpected--never knowing what might happen. To the good or bad, really. Just knowing that, at any moment, something completely and wholly unforeseeable might occur.

As those such things were only consistent in fact of their random interjection along the while.

But there was such a darkness to the way everything coalesced, on the whole. I see it now so very clearly, even looking into current matters. There's a persistent decay inherent of all. ...and there's a word for it, yet it's evading me entirely right now. The overall, continual process of decomposition into other states.

...either way, there's that.

It's inherent of the all.

So, in that sense, even as there was a seeming element of "chaos" which interspersed itself amongst the all...still, the ultimate course was entirely fixed, regardless. As ever from a single point of progress, wheresoever one's stance remained or drifted unto--from that point, alone. Along natural courses which were yet inherently degrading, even if as only a matter of the nature of temporal decomposition according to "laws of natural decline." There was a sense of decline, always. Even in moments of absolute revelry...a sense of being completely bound by circumstances. Even as those circumstances inherently yielded to completely unforeseen events, there was still a sense of the inevitable concurrent and thereabouts.

Everything was still entirely tangential, in terms of whatsoever response might come. Responses were inherent of circumstances, wholly contained thereby.

The scene in the last Matrix movie comes to mind (and it irks me to use this as an example, but I have to get over myself)...where Neo has come into a room with "The Source" and there are monitors on every surrounding surface. And every screen shows one potential for response, to every bit of dialogue...and the implication is that there are an entirely finite number of responses, thus that they're all to varying extents likely to be the one expressed as chosen. Bound, in that sense.

Bound, fixed, in the sense that any given response was only possible according to given perspective at any given moment and the inclinations prevalent thereof and thereby. Uninterrupted continuity along a particular course, even as that course might be altered into varying directions at particular points--varying dependent upon predilection for amusement, research, study, devotion, religious affiliation, social inclination, occupational pursuits, scholastic designs, and whatsoever else ever had or could be opted toward, even still in accordance with predilection and predisposition. Not as though, at one particular moment I was a devoted member of church, and in the very next instant I was bartending on Bourbon Street. Not as though I was bartending on Bourbon Street and in the very next instant was a full-time college student.

Not that there aren't folks whose individual paths have entailed seeming drastic alterations in mode of comportment within immediately brief spans of time; not as though there aren't people whose involvements aren't seemingly contradictory within a single span of time...just that, even then, there's yet an inherent order to those developments which is completely in accordance with whatsoever that person's individual perspective on life is and in direct accord with what they conceive of as "normal" or "acceptable" or "reasonable" or even just "desirable."

Like, as further instance...someone who absolutely loathes shopping isn't going to have an preference to work at a mall, although other factors involved in a decision to do so may hold sway over that aversion enough as to warrant devotion to so seeking employment thereabouts. Unless, alternately, that person has an innate tendency to do things to spite themselves. Which, even in such an instance, there's still a sort of logical procession to the choices and responses to circumstances and opportunity--no matter what the mechanism for the order, there's still order.

Even with the perceived chaos...that was our accepted order for progression. And it was very difficult to leave that seeming disorder in favor of more orderly social circumstances. Because there's generally a desire to be able to find some sort of accord with others, in terms of "how things should be," as to have a common point of perspective enough as to be able to encourage and support one another's hopes, dreams, and desires.

I'd never realized before quite how self-idolatrous it all is: making plans, forming goals, striving according to self-implemented directives, reinforcing and seeking support in others according to the same dynamic..

...all, according to a belief in one's own perception of what's best. Best in terms of "progress." Best, in terms of "success." Best...in terms of response and direction.

Even for Christians there's usually a disconnect, thereabouts, in terms of our relationship with God. I've been struggling with it to all manner of self-discouragement and frustration and grief, for months.

There's a line, though. Wherein it seems as though there's perspective that God expects us to take care of ourselves, yet that He doesn't really get involved in the details--not in the planning stages, nor in execution. Or maybe in one, but not the other. Or maybe passingly in each, but only as someone giving approval of our plans, as opposed to someone in complete authority who directs each step.

The technical difference between a supervisor and a manager, according to the terms themselves. One oversees duties, the other actively directs activities.

...superficially, same as the difference between deism and theism, according to present-tense understanding of the terms.

Only...in terms of the way Christian life is described in the Bible, theism's general definition of God's involvement still falls a bit short.

Like, for those who have had any semblance of a "normal" family...any involved, caring parent..

...would you call them your managing supervisor and consider that a sufficient description for their involvement in your life when you were yet elementary school-age?

Think of it even along this line:

Granted, it's not actually possible to compare any given human (or even the entirety of humankind) to God, in terms of wisdom, knowledge, and ability. Not possible. We are, ever have been, and will continue to be constrained to our individual (even as collective) understandings, in terms of our ability to know and understand anything..
..so, given that, we as individuals and as a species really aren't more than swaddled babes, in terms of our comprehension of anything, as compared to God's knowledge. And that statement is even greatly, vastly, infinitely overestimating our ability to understand things.. (Compare any fixed point, or even an endless line proceeding from a fixed point to infinity...and how much difference exists between the two?)

So, in terms of what you would have considered a loving parent's/s' role in the life of their beloved toddler, in regard to provision, direction, and authority...? Planning everything, laying everything out in order only as it needs to be done, ensuring all the proper tools and provisions are available as they become necessary, and basically just doing everything, providing everything, showing everything...and the child trusts and does as they're told, when they're told, trusting and obeying. Loving, as being so loved. And obeying.

In keeping with Jesus calling God our Heavenly Father, then...as those who are led by the Spirit of God are the Sons of God... ...where would you expect God to be involved in your life?

Just making Himself known in the precise places where we ask for approval? ...or directly planning, outlining on a step-by-step basis, and guiding us in our activities and pursuits?

I mean, goodness--we, none of us, know whether we're going to live through the night. Let alone whether we'll be alive in 20 years, or 30 or 40.

There seems to be a vast amount of ambiguity along those particular lines, from what's evidenced in general practices. On the one hand, it seems as though people "trust God to take care of the things they're not able to" (which is another borderline mentality which absolutely confounds--praise the Lord for deliverance!)... ...and they just expect His providential will is implicitly entailed in whatsoever manner goes by way of the things they do take care of. A vast assumption.

Many, many discussions overheard (and directly experienced) in terms of the express difference between God's permissive and providential will. And we all generally assume, just as being Christians, that we are thus therefore automatically walking in providence, all along the while.

Despite that numerous examples exist in the Bible as to how God's people erred greatly along that very same assumption. Being His isn't a free pass to do absolutely anything and consider it having been in accord with God's will. Otherwise, sanctification wouldn't be a Thing. And we wouldn't need to pray. And we wouldn't be pressing onward, because we'd have already arrived. We are ever arriving, and must ever press onward.

Reconciliation is a process. Concerning things which are disparate and pursuing meaningful alignment. Coming into accord.

This, with the Lord, is like that. Continually having to assess and reassess. Because there's more good in remaining in accord with Him than in allowing myself to wander back into wholly selfish and willful, untrusting territory.

Just, one of the major differences in how things are now really is summed up in that sense of living in a perpetually suspended state--ever remaining somewhat aloft from being entirely certain of what will be next, as a matter of coming to rely upon Him to reveal what need be done. Even if and when what need be done is precisely the same thing done yesterday. Perhaps moreso then, even, as the amount of dependence upon Him required as to continually move nearer to Him in the midst of circumstances which don't remarkably change daily... ...is humbling.

But as with all the other, so long as I relied upon my own understanding there were only a fixed number of possible developments and responses in any given circumstance. I could generally only respond in the same ways I'd ever responded, even if actively adapting toward different means of response (as in terms of cognitive behavior modification). I was still limited by what was natural to me.

Now, it's not like that. I still am greatly tempted to the same rash responses, sometimes...still am greatly tempted to the same rash behaviors, sometimes... ...but, prayerfully abiding in Christ makes it such that I'm free from being bound by that same behavior, by the same emotions.

I can still give into it, yeah, and do still... ..but the more I depend upon Him, the more I trust Him, the less I perceive myself as "obligated" to otherwise inborn and instilled patterns of response and behavior.

So, it's in that sense that things are "suspended," on one level. Like being in a suspension which never settles. Held aloft, always, as everything continues to move...even unto learning new ways of moving, myself, as a part of being freed from the otherwise overwhelming gravity of any given circumstances.
This is the same sense along which trust and obedience have been most apt to manifest, evidence, and thrive. When everything is considered as being explicitly in His control, and is viewed as wholly His domain. And it's my place to just obey.

Just...we're not to be anxious. We're not to worry. We're not to take thought for tomorrow, but to trust Him. And even as that seems to manifest somewhat differently in different people's lives, along these preceding lines has it manifested into mine. For which I'm grateful.

All, in all. To the exclusion of none.

Two currently noted points of disagreement persistent between various parts of the Body of Christ:

Satan either can or cannot "read minds."

People who are converted either can or cannot "be possessed by demonic entities." (...whereof distinction has generally been made as pertains to distinctions between "possession," "oppression," and whatsoever else sort of distinctions are presumably apparent to those discussing the topic.)

..

Which, personally, I'm still struggling over the idea that it should even be necessary to be concerned enough with those such things as to even consider. Just...I keep hearing those things. And I keep hearing argument made that Christians need to know how Satan operates.

I'm not convinced. It seems like a distraction. Entirely a distraction. From Christ.

And everything which distracts from Him seems to end up eradicating peace.

Perhaps to back up a little further, then, in regard to that. There's been such a desire to somehow outlay a distinction realized this past week, in regard to general perception of the Lord within the church. As regards and sometimes opposes knowledge of Him in terms of a living relationship with Him.

Much was all the more clearly evidenced over the course of memories dredged up for perusal, last night. In those days, mid-80s through the early 90s, of listening exclusively to "Christian music," and attending church constantly, unto feeling as though it was a requirement to begin to tell people about their need for salvation.. ...I had never come to a point of actually regarding Christ as more than an idea. I believed in the idea of Him, and had some life-altering encounters with the Holy Spirit (in terms of receiving direct confirmation of the truth of the supernatural, privately outside of the confines of church)... ...but, somehow, the idea of Jesus never parlayed unto an actual direct relationship with Him.

As an example of one aspect of the state of things...

...once, while staying at my Grandma's, some uncle I wasn't entirely familiar with came to visit. Without actually really laying eyes on him, just seeing him coming into the house, hearing him talking to my grandmother...I ran in terror, and hid from him for the entire duration of his visit. They tried to cajole me, tried to console me, tried to lovingly entreat me to come out of hiding to just meet him. But I refused. I was terrified, beyond reason, without reason...and adamantly refused. I heard his voice, knew he was just on the other side of the door from me (I locked myself in the bathroom), could not deny the fact of him being there. Had never laid eyes on him before, and to this day--I really don't know who it was who was there. Nor do I know why I was so abjectly terrified of him--makes no more sense now than it did, then. So, ultimately, I only ever experienced the idea of my uncle, by refusing to actually come into a direct relationship with him. And...again--I still don't know who it was. And my Grandma died last month, so it's too late to find out, now (funny, how it never occurred to me before now, that I could have asked her who that was).

That's precisely what my relationship with Christ was like, back in those days. I experienced His presence. He had made Himself known to me. I'd even, in very definite ways, declared myself to Him in moments of abject worship...wholeheartedly willing myself into His service. But...when it really came down to brass tacks...I did NOT know Him. I could feel His presence, and heard about who He was and is and knew it was true, but when it came to a point of actually facing Him...I adamantly refused. I wanted to be His, called myself His, and for all intents and purposes...generally acted in ways which were allowed for a clear conscience, even periodically thinking myself repentant given guilt over acts of sin..such that I tried to act in ways which I believed He wanted me to act..

...but I refused to actually face Christ. I refused to actually directly approach Him, so as to come to know Him personally. Even thinking I'd done so, so many times...then, as soon as each moment had passed, I would again retreat behind a wall of restraint. I would talk about Him, around Him, and in regard to Him...but not to Him (except for twice--once out of desperation, the other out of consternation--both times He directly, immediately responded...and I refused to speak to Him, regardless). So I definitely didn't abide in Him, whatsoever. He was right there--closer than my family--and I refused to directly acknowledge His presence. Refused. I knew of Him, having spent time continually in His presence and having heard His voice, but on the whole I refused to acknowledge Him directly.

Same as with my uncle.

And, just as with my uncle...when it came to a point where I was no longer actually in his presence, actively in the same building, I no longer thought about him. Because he wasn't a part of the group of people I regularly interacted with. And he wasn't a direct acquaintance. Even as he had been, in a way--just, I had refused to meet him face to face, when he tried. Which makes him no less my uncle, yet means I have absolutely no idea who he is, to the extent that if we were to pass one another on the street it would be without either of us knowing the other.

My relationship with Christ was that way. As soon as I was no longer around the same people...I forgot about him, nearly entirely. It breaks my heart to admit, to think on. How...He stayed right there, for so long...saved my life, multiple times...even answered my questions, the two times I did talk to Him. But the moment things had started getting difficult in life, I completely shut Him out. Completely turned away from even thinking of Him. Except for passing remembrance which was generally very...contorted. I just walked away from Him, though.

That's so very grievous to consider, in terms of who He is and how He loves. I want nothing more than to not grieve Him, now. Except just to want Him, to want to know Him more...to know Him better. Just...not to grieve Him.

I just wonder, now, at how many people may be in that sort of an in-between place. I don't even know what to consider it. Given the depravity which filled my life beginning in the mid-90s and only recently renounced...

...just, to look back on that knowledge of Christ and see that it wasn't salvation? It makes me very concerned and prayerful for so many. His relationship with each of us will be different, given we each are different... ...but, I just wonder.

That we all can have a direct relationship with Him. Isn't that how it should be?

My own personal experience has been that having that direct relationship with Him has brought about conversion, in terms of actual salvation. And I just fear for others. I want so desperately for as many as can be brought, to come to a knowledge of Him--there is no other joy, there is no other hope. There is no other love, really.

He's as close as your next breath, and more deeply intwined with who you are than your heartbeat. His love is more distinctly responsible for your well-being than your ability to wake up in the morning, even as there are many which perpetually refute that reality. It's no less so, for having been argued against.

He's just...here. Yet we don't seek Him. As we ought.
Seek Him while He may be found.

When you seek me with all your heart, you'll find me, He told us. With as much as we plunge ourselves into, to distract, thinking it all necessary to our "well-being"...it takes seeking Him with all our hearts, just to be able to discern His nearness as existent. He's there, we just don't seek Him.

How terrible is that? Really. Seriously.

As my dad pointed out the other day, in terms of someone asking whether they could ask him a question, His response to them was: "The answer is Jesus, now what's the question?"

He is the answer. Period.
Or, rather, He is the resolution. He is the restoration. He is deliverance. He is life. He is love. He is hope. He is joy. He is truth. He is all which is good.

Looking to Him brings whatsoever relief or hope or help as is necessary, in a given situation. He will reveal what is necessary--He always does. He directs the steps of those who depend upon Him, explicitly. We are not to concern ourselves with even what we must say, just that He'll give as we need.

And guide every step. That voice behind us which tells us to turn to the right or the left. Every step.

He does that, when we maintain our focus on Him.

And He knows far, far more than we could ever begin to, regarding everything which is going on in any particular circumstance. He knows precisely where the people around us are coming from and where they're going. He knows not only their tendencies, but He also knows the forces which are acting upon them and apt to act through them, in a given instance.

And He knows precisely how people will respond. He knows.

Just as He knows how that response will affect each one of us, and what our temptations will be, in terms of response. And He knows whether we'll succumb. Even as we don't have to, those who are His. We aren't bound by sin. We aren't bound by temptation. We aren't bound by our own flesh.

So long as we draw near to Him, the rest will go. It has to. There's no place for it, when a person is so fully enveloped in His presence and love.

Just...the rest of the stuff can't get past that.

So, yeah. People have continually tried to create fear and vigilance in regard to Satan and his modus operandi. They continue to try to conjure that up. In Christians, even.

Christians even so doing--I've been guilty of it, both giving and receiving.

But the Lord made it really plain, a few weeks ago, over course of conversation with a family member. Our ability to overcome is entirely wound up in our complete reliance upon Christ, as resting in Him. ...resting in His presence, in His love. Fellowshipping with the Holy Spirit.

Drawing near to Him is our deliverance. Drawing ever nearer to Him works greater degrees of deliverance. Because the rest has to go. Period.

So, in terms of those points of conflict initially mentioned...and in terms of people focusing on those sorts of studies..

..they don't matter, in terms of realization that Christ's grace is sufficient. And in terms of realizing that drawing nearer to Him is what has us in position to overcome those each particular thing.

Think of the Jewish fellows who were casting out demons using Jesus' name. They were experiencing success, going along the process of an "established methodology" as is construed in the process of exorcism according to using Christ's name as the determining factor for success. That's a methodological approach to overcoming. It ended up with them being beaten and stripped, thrown out on the street bleeding and naked by a demon-possessed man.

So, yeah. Go right ahead with learning the ways of the devil, with studying up on how he operates. That's precisely what those guys did--they concerned themselves with established methodology.

As opposed to actually having a living relationship with Christ. Who...truth be told...guides explicitly through those such situations, even.

In other words, I'm not studying up on any of that sort of stuff for the sake of expecting it will somehow empower me to be more effective, in any capacity. It won't. In and of itself, knowledge is empty. Without Christ, all pursuits are ultimately empty and without impact.

I've been on both sides, now, as to be able to say that assuredly and vehemently. Even in terms of having been one of John Wesley's "almost Christians" for a good long while--even to such an extent of having experienced the supernatural, having actually experienced revelation from Christ over the course of that portion of life...without having experienced salvation.

So, knowing Christ and coming to know Him more intimately according to revelation of who He is...is everything. He is everything. That is all.

Once more.

So...

...a week's worth of fighting off tendency to self-harm. Which could have been entirely let to be, if I'd given it all to the Lord and just let it be, rather than engaging in the battle.

There's still the tendency to want to slip back into more of the strain. But, no. Back with the whole idea of thinking oneself into a corner, is that. Whereof there used to be so many warnings given that my tendency to over-analyze would lead to a break-down. "You think too much," has always been a commonly received epithet...from most all with whom thoughts have ever consistently been shared--fairly sporadic, that last, except as in varying places online, since 2002.

It doesn't matter, really. Yes, I suppose many of the nervous breakdowns might have been avoided if not for the tendency to whittle myself down to absolute shreds, incessantly. But that tendency came and went, over time. Living in Christ has made it a different experience.

Just...when it gets to a point of breakdown, there's a place of safety to retreat to, in prayer. In reading Scripture. All of which goes so much further than anything ever before experienced. Even as, still, there's a choice.

Inasmuch as there's ever such a thing as choice, really. Ofttimes, it never even becomes apparent that options exist. As with this, with Christ. I'd had no idea, before...I really hadn't been aware it would be as it is. No matter how people described Christianity--I'm not sure if I didn't hear what they were saying, or if they just weren't describing Him in terms which were adequate to even begin to relay the nature of the experience.

Probably both.

If I'd known. If I'd had any idea, truly, I wonder if I'd have gone through with all the other things I'd sought as answers. I'd like to think not, but... ...probably so, still. Just to spite myself.

He knew. He knew, even through all that. And it just breaks my heart, looking back, to think of what it must have been...what it must be like...to see those beloved hurt themselves and refuse to be comforted. Not just refuse to be comforted, even, but effectively lash out against He who would be the comforter. If it weren't for such rebellion, such blasphemous hearts. Such rage against our Maker which does distance us from Him, as we harm ourselves and flaunt it to Him. We break ourselves and one another, time and again, and thumb our noses at Him.

The idea that He loves me is still very difficult to accept, but those moments of clarity...wherein it's most stricken my heart to consider my own depravity...the pain incurred, the repentance wrought, the grief incited is in realization of the pain caused. At which point, in openly considering, there's yet a drawing away from the idea of His love. Because I'm not worthy, and that makes me want to reject love, outright. Not just His love, either. Anyone's. Everyone's.

He's going to have to help with that, so much. I can't do anything with it. I don't even know where to start, at this point--the only success ever had with the idea of even addressing my aversion to receiving love has come by way of finally coming to terms enough as to cease running from it, literally, whenever it's expressed. Because...love is pain.

Love hurts. And not just hurts, it absolutely devastates.

The bag I used to carry around very much proclaimed that belief, "Love Kills Slowly."

That was life. So, at the core of all my efforts to heal, to grow, to thrive, to prosper...lingered that belief, as continually reinforced by experience. Longing for love, longing for acceptance, longing for stability and security, but having begun to believe the only course by which those could be experienced on any count was as internally derived and maintained directives--as even the love of friends somehow couldn't adequately satisfy a yearning for some inexplicable companionship which was only known as necessary per a longing for fulfillment.

There was just a desire for something more. Something else. And I expected it be love, in some capacity.

Long story short, on that count...it didn't work out. Loving friends got me so far, but there was always something more--some deeper level of companionship, yet untapped. Time and distance from friends has yielded to a slow, sorrowful distancing...such that, even now, except for the fellowship of the Holy Spirit, there'd be a great deal of remorse. Loving my mother and losing her fed into the fear of love, except as to now have experienced the peace which the Lord has given throughout the loss of my grandmother.

But...there was just...before now, before knowing the Lord and experiencing His companionship...

...love was pain. Love was loss. Loss by either time, space, or choice. No one, none of us, was capable of maintaining the same degree of attention and camaraderie as ever had been begun. So, each new meeting was...and, in many ways, still is...met by a certain degree of sorrow.

For, another friendship wrought entails another beloved one eventually lost to time and distance.
Even now, that tendency lingers. In the friendships forged recently, there's a tinge of sorrow in interactions, on my part--ever believing, partially, that at some point this all will come to a close...the fellowship, so treasured, will come to an end far sooner than would be desired or preferred.

...so as to expect the pain, then. Loving, but losing all the while. Loving, counting all lost, all the while.

Not knowing when to expect to be shut out. But expecting it, nonetheless.

Just...the Lord isn't like that. He's not going to just abandon me, some day. If I were too much trouble for Him, He would have let me die all those many times when it was eminent. If I were that much of a nuisance to Him, He wouldn't have saved me.

I had ever been looking for someone to save me from myself. I am my own worst enemy, in so many ways.

There just...He will help, too, with this difficulty in regard to love. To be humbled by love is one thing. But to fear it? To reject it outright, because it's not deserved? To run from it, given a misplaced belief that it's better not to receive than to receive and then be rejected?

No. Just...no.

I have to surrender that fear...and surrender rejection of love founded upon unworthiness. Whichever way things go, He won't abandon me, so while other things may still hurt...He will be there. He will bolster me. He is my rock. He is my shelter. My tower. My refuge. My keeper. My King.

...

things are so very strange. I've been listening to a Carmen playlist for the past 15 minutes or so, and...just so many memories. I remember listening to these songs. Being so very moved by all of them. I'd expected, listening again, now...to be struck with a sense of absurdity, over how dated the material is...or to be struck with a sense of shame, in considering how I could ever have been so taken with the music. But...honestly...it glorifies Christ.

Maybe not as eloquently as did Charles Wesley...nor even as reverently as, say, Chris Tomlin..

...but the music glorifies Christ. And I'm enjoying it. Not saying it's not...overdone?...cheesy?...
I dunno. But...it glorifies Christ.

He's going to be less than two hours from here, in two months. Trippy. Dude is touring.
$10, general admission.

I really don't know what to think, on that count. There's still...so much prayer, on that front.

Wanting always to have an explicit course for determining the "rectitude" of a person's message or method of worship. It's just...like as with all the churches I'd been attending...having begun to pray for discernment prior to leaving WV in 2013.. ..and then beginning to attend all the many churches. And certain things said, certain statements proclaimed...would be like nails across a chalkboard, to the point that I'd catch myself physically cringing and withdrawing. Worst of which was the instance of running, wailing from a church.

...which...yeah. Blasphemy in the pulpit.

If I'd had any idea that sort of response would be forthcoming...I'd have not gone. But for three weeks, there'd been warning. And I didn't heed. So, yeah. That was...entirely traumatic. And avoidable, had I listened.

Much, much prayer though. Because, still--the Lord has been making it entirely apparent that it's not my place to judge on any such accounts. Not MY place. Period.

And I keep asking...rather abashedly...whether it's anyone's place, here and now, so to do. I really don't feel like it's my place to even ask that, honestly.

The only thing I'm pointed to, in regard to all that...

1 Corinthians 1:10-13 

10Now I beseech you, brethren, by the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that ye all speak the same thing, and that there be no divisions among you; but that ye be perfectly joined together in the same mind and in the same judgment. 11For it hath been declared unto me of you, my brethren, by them which are of the house of Chloe, that there are contentions among you. 12Now this I say, that every one of you saith, I am of Paul; and I of Apollos; and I of Cephas; and I of Christ. 13Is Christ divided? was Paul crucified for you? or were ye baptized in the name of Paul?

...which, apparently there are other verses in the New Testament which address spirits of divisiveness. As that they're untenable.

I've also been rebuked multiple times, this past week's worth of time in keeping with the following:

John 21
21Peter seeing him saith to Jesus, Lord, and what shall this man do? 22Jesus saith unto him, If I will that he tarry till I come, what is that to thee? follow thou me.

...I keep asking why it is that certain folks have things a certain way, why they have a particular walk with Him, whereas I'm just a complete basketcase if the stuff that others are able to do is so much as considered, let alone even attempted.

So, that's been kind of humbling. It's not my place to ask why they have a different walk. I follow Him, so it's not any of my business in what capacity others follow Him. Seriously. Terrible, really. But, all week, that bit of Scripture keeps coming to mind...every time I start questioning why things are they way they are for me, as compared to whosoever else is being considered at a particular moment. I'm neither to covet their walk, nor to be concerned with how theirs differs from my own. Period.

That tendency to covet what another believer has, in their walk with the Lord...spiritual jealousy is what one of my sisters has called it... ...is insidious. Because, superficially, initially...there's almost a seeming godliness in a perceived desire for a deeper walk with Christ...but...then, there's the jealousy which springs up. Either jealousy or idolatry, equally likely, when looking to someone else's walk with Christ. I've been guilty of both. (Still praying about having properly reverent, yet neither covetous nor idolatrous regard for my spiritual elders.)

It detracts from humility and appreciation in my own knowledge of the Lord, is all. As though, somehow, my walk with Him is lesser than that of someone else just for being less broad in outreach or scope of influence or realm of consideration. But it's not like that. And I've been shown as much so so many times, these past many months.

He desires obedience. We are to love God. We are to seek Him. And we are to obey. Faith is what is required as to even be able to please Him, whatsoever. But we are to love Him with our all, seeking Him first in all things, depending wholly upon Him, following Him.

And it's no less a thing done, of all that, for one to be obedient in so doing all that in course of raising a household of children, over course of volunteering internationally for missions, throughout course of engaging in a lifelong street ministry, by way of handing out Gospel tracts to folks, per the course of walking with Christ along one's career as a janitor, over the course of whatsoever...it doesn't matter, just so long as there's obedience in all those things which He requires. Whether an international ministry or a silent witness over the course of one's career--obedience is better than sacrifice, to Him, as we seek and love Him...so, just to be who we are, wherever He leads, however He leads. Not coveting the positions of others.

Being fulfilled, through abiding in Him. Period. Whether that's as a drifter, a street preacher, a housewife, an employee at McDonald's, a lawyer, a football player, a preacher, an evangelist, a prophet, a missionary, or whatsoever a person's calling in life or at a particular moment over the course of their life may be. Just being led by the Holy Spirit, in whatsoever.

Something shared as a point of discussion at one of the churches in Tampa, on that point...which still convicts me...

Are you satisfied serving the Lord where you are, or do you feel like you deserve to be doing something bigger?

Ouch.

Seriously. I took that to heart, back in May. Because it's true. The Lord wants obedience, not glory-seekers. Not power-mongers. Not legalists, either. Children. Obedient children.

There just seems to be a bit of a disconnect sometimes, though, talking about my walk with the Lord. Wherein--yeah, there are a lot of things I'm still learning, and will ever continue to learn.

1 Corinthians 8 ESV
 2If anyone imagines that he knows something, he does not yet know as he ought to know. 3But if anyone loves God, he is known by God.

 ...for real.

Just, it's possible to have a deep relationship with Christ without ending up traversing the globe. It's possible to have an entirely revolutionary relationship with the Lord without ending up in work in the church. It's possible. Entirely. We each are to have a personal relationship with Christ, as even ever implied in the pursuit of salvation. Salvation is the beginning of that personal relationship.

So, my relationship with the Lord is what it is. He's taught me a lot, and is still showing me a lot. And will continue to do so. Because nothing will dissuade me from pursuit of Him, ultimately--for which I have to thank Him, even, because it's beyond me to even be able to be faithful. But He will keep me near Him. He will help me to seek Him. For which...oh, such gratitude.

Because there are so many things to learn. So, so many things to yet surrender. And to repent of--even unaware, just knowing it's so, and seeking further revelation.

There are so many things. My mind is still so very ...fractured, right now. Moreso than ordinarily the case.

So many things have been concerning, lately, in terms of being called to task over my tendency to judge the practices of others. What place is it of mine, so to do..

And that tendency persists on an interpersonal level--varying between a stance of covetousness, idolatry, or criticism--same on a church level, too. And it's not to be so.

If I had listened to the prompting to refrain from attending the one church which I ended up running out of, at the point I'd been prompted to so do...then that wouldn't have happened. But, it turned into an opportunity to pray...and, still, to pray.

But, still, is it yet my place to even "place judgment" on them, now? In any capacity? I'm a servant, same as they are...whether the other stance is one purported or one in truth is not my business. My place is to follow Christ, and do as He bids me. Whether that's serving Him in private worship and devotion, through service of others, through interacting randomly to testify, through blogging oddly about the whole process, or eventually to doing whatsoever. It doesn't matter what the process is, except that the acts are in obedience. Then, whatever they are, there will be His peace. And His fellowship. And love.

Which is all that was ever wanted, really. So, obedience is desired on my end, too.

Being obedient means I'm conforming to His providential will. And as His will is that I seek Him first, in all things, then there will always be fulfillment found in so doing--regardless of what the process before me, in which to so seek Him. Sometimes seeking Him is seeking Him primarily in prayer. Sometimes it's in study. Sometimes it's in conversation unto testimony. Sometimes it's in worship. Sometimes it's in service. Sometimes, in working. Doesn't matter, except to seek Him.

Which is wherein, too, I'm not so sure about this whole tendency and desire to go around seeking to denounce various forms of ministry and worship and practice... ...He's moreso been leading me to just pray when there are things which are seen and heard to be off-kilter. Ultimately, He has to be the one to align, anyway. If He were to choose to provide rebuke through me, then...that would be one thing. But--again--that's not my place.

Whether it's not my place now, or will never be my place is irrelevant in terms of just knowing it's Him I follow.

All I do know is that I'm given to be able to share that, as there may be some who are trapped in that mire who had similarly ought not be. Because it does offer a sense of power, in having allowed a person to, in one capacity or another, purport to exert dominance over another. Rather than to love, in humility, then to claim superiority.

We must be so very careful of that, all of us. ...there's a temptation, also, to want to believe there's a "corner on the truth," in walking with Christ. But...we're blessed. As was so very wonderfully described to me a couple weekends ago (one weekend?)...we who are saved and who know Christ, of all people, should see how much more indebted we are to all those around us--just given that we, same as all others, are sinners saved by grace into love...and that this love we know, in Christ...we must share, as others have been blind to even the possibility of such a thing for having never known Him. We don't nor ever could deserve His love, but we have it. And, so knowing, so experiencing, and knowing how horrid life without love is...we are utterly indebted for having so received, and are thus that much more indebted to those around us as to share what we have received.

...not nearly as well described as it was initially, but the gist is there.

So, as far as that goes...I just can't reconcile that with going around pointing fingers at people.

Two things:

First off, it's only by grace that any of us know anything of Truth. ...that any of us know Christ, whatsoever--purely grace. So far as time, place, and whatsoever else the Lord used to bring us into knowing Him. As in my case, I wasn't physically in a church when He converted me. I'd been in attendance of five different churches, plus other services...prior to being converted. My family raised me in church, and I still ended up pagan, periodically agnostic, and all sorts of blasphemous and idolatrous. And, I wasn't physically in a church nor anywhere near anyone when He converted me.
...when He showed me what my sin had done, as I was crushed by the vision of how perfectly precious He is and how absolutely wretched are my sins. I remember it, now. I still haven't quite recollected where I was driving...but I was driving. And everything changed, I just loathed sin, then. For the first time.

A strange position to be in, though, given that happening outside of church and outside of fellowship with anyone. It means there's not been a false attribution to either church or man, for my salvation. And, all the more humbling, to have to attribute it solely to Christ. Nothing by man, not by my will, nor by anyone's might. Grace. Same as all the many learnings.

So, if someone doesn't realize something is so very wrong or even blasphemous... ...it's only by grace that I do realize it's against the Lord's teachings. ONLY by grace. So, in those instances there is prayer, now, as to whether I can say something to help shed light...whether it's my place to be able to say anything at all...or otherwise to just pray, plead with Him to open eyes, hearts, ears, and minds. Rather than to pray for the fire of God to rain down.

Seriously.

You remember what the Lord told James and John about that, don't you, as to when they wanted to have judgment immediately called down on an area that wholly rejected Him? They weren't operating in a good spirit, basically...not of God...
...which brings to:

Secondarily, as was mentioned in one bit of teaching listened to today...further reinforcing the idea, as a confirmation...it's not the person we're actually contesting. It's the spirit they're operating under/in. Either the Spirit of God or not. And, if not, then that alone is call for prayer. Not necessarily for public decrying of all which the person is...but prayer.

Sometimes...sometimes the Lord will allow for direct confrontation of those such things. But...it has to be as He leads. Needs to be, rather. Because, ultimately, even if they're operating out of their own spirit, rather than the Spirit of God...it's still not well, entirely.

The lattermost of this such point is why "New Covenant" prophecy is supposed to be judged by the prophets. Not because prophecy is somehow different, as far as God's inerrancy...as far as God's consistency...but because of people's tendency to speak out of the flesh, rather than according to the prompting of the Holy Spirit.
I struggled with that one for a few days, really. Hearing of how some folks apparently consider modern prophecy as...dubious, in contrast with "Old Testament prophecy," which was considered inerrant. But, no.

The test of prophecy, as from whence it hast derived is that it does come to pass, if it were of God. Otherwise, it wasn't of God.

I struggled with that for a good long while, too. But... ...that's largely because there's a serious disconnect in what the flesh wants prophecy to be, as opposed to what God provides it for.
Yes, it is to edify...in Christ...yes, it can be predictive...as a method by which the Lord sometimes chooses to reaffirm that He is who He says He is...thus revealing Himself...and, yes, it can admonish...as to restore to and edify in Christ.. ...but... ..it's not about satisfying desires for attention, esteem, entertainment, establishing dominance by expressing wrath, nor any other sort of self-edification. It's not supposed to be any such sort of bandaid, but is a balm. Prophecy has ever been intended as a curative, not a tonic. Seriously. As goes all the gifts the Holy Spirit gives.

But, on that point...again, it's a wrong spirit even if done as a "tonic," as in the flesh. Still, prayer, though.

And whatsoever the Holy Spirit leads into, of course. But prayer seems something that's always acceptable. The one instance in which I got carried away for a moment, speaking out of turn to rebuke in accordance with Scripture...I'm still humbled over. It was made very clear to me that, for me at least, that approach isn't appropriate. Doesn't matter how "errant" a thing is...still, it's my place to pray. Not to decry. But to pray.

And something listened to today shed a lot of light on the "why" of that restriction. Which ties in quite well in accord with the consideration of there being a wrong spirit in operation..

...yes, Jesus rebuked certain people very strongly. But He loved to a degree which is inconceivable to us, throughout all the rebuke. Same as the message today included mention that the children of the speaker were the only ones he had rebuked entirely strongly--not the children of others, even...just his own children...because the rebuke was sourced from a love so deep that harm was not in any way entailed as underscoring the process. Strong rebuke, then, only as sourced from the deepest of love--desiring wholly a restoration of the person so rebuked, not desiring their destruction.

As considered multiple times last week, personal experience has been that...receiving admonishment that isn't couched entirely in love yields further declension. Because whatever's there, already--whatever wrong spirit (whether of the adversary or of flesh)...it will bristle at anything resembling ire or mockery or derision or criticism. Or even love...although love has a way of crossing barriers which otherwise are entirely unbroachable, even if not with utmost visibility immediately. Still, it gets through where naught else can even tread.

So...love.

It's really all about love.

Really.

Loving God, learning His love...receiving revelation of His love...more and more...being completely transformed by His love.

And spreading that joy. Loving others as He loved us.
Chaste, unconditional, all-consuming, all-encompassing.

One of the pastors in Florida always spoke of love in terms of this:

Your capacity for love is no greater than your ability to love the person whom you like the least.
There's a certain degree of truth there. Whosoever it is which grates on your nerves, irrationally so, beyond reason (if there is such a person)...your ability to love only runs as deep as your ability to love that person. Going around pointing fingers at folks and talking about how doomed they are, taking any amount of pleasure in the idea of their judgment? ...evidences not only shallowness of love but a lack thereof. All the more need for prayer, evidenced.

We so need to pray for one another. Seriously.

Relishing the idea of someone's misfortune is a dire state of lovelessness. No matter how desperate their crime. We have all sinned horribly against God. All of us. Period.

I'm just so terrible at loving. But the Lord will help.
Just...seeing these things, hearing them...empowers to pray.
He is helping. His love is beyond comprehension, and even to be able to accept such love...

...to receive, as to be able to share, then. By grace, all

To love.

And, another thing:

Yes, so as the Lord guides, I'll humble myself as to learn doctrine (to whatsoever degree He enables).

But I will not be dissuaded from walking with God. I don't care who else wants to tell me I'm wrong for seeking Christ wholeheartedly to the exclusion of whatsoever else there may be.
I don't care what else it yields in others, so far as random attacks go.

The Lord has let me see that, generally speaking, the stuff that folks have been flinging at me in such anger, with such vehemence and vitriol...it's not really them, per se.

Which is a very strange space to be in, realizing that. The implications, so far as refraining from answering "in the same spirit" are that much more sincerely embraced, now. As is the necessity of love, in response. There is no law against love. Nothing can come against it, to conquer.

The love of God does ultimately conquer all. Not my love, nor any individual's love, per se...but the love of God.

Christ conquers all.

So, that's the whole of the law. Love God with everything within me, and love others to such an extent as God provides me capacity.

There's no law against that. It is the whole of the law.

So, it kind of trumps whatsoever else sort of "card" is played. Love is your Ace.
Only...abiding in Christ, so long as we truly do, we're to play that Ace every time.
Trusting that, ever so many times as we throw it on the table, we've still got that many more in our hand.

Because, when you're dealing in terms of the one who Created probability and statistics...

...you're not exactly bound by the so-called laws of nature. You're bound by His laws. Which equates to being freed from pretty much all else. Given that the whole of His law is love.

Just try it. Seriously.

I'm learning how to love, even now. I'm terrible at it. Absolutely horrible at loving.

It's easier for me to tell people "Jesus loves you," than for me to tell them "I love you," and look them anywhere near in the eye for hours thereafter. I would rather run away. Would rather "act it out" in completely inconspicuous ways which are completely untraceable back to me (difficult to find such things, thus far).

Even family. Which is where the Lord has begun my education on that count.
Learning to love them. And not just to say it, but to actually express it...openly, even. Like, by hugging and stuff...eventually, probably.

It's humiliating to admit that I don't have any clue how to love my family.

Love isn't picking apart things and trying to figure out how to assemble them for more efficient operation.

Love isn't retreating into a corner at all hours, and ardently but only praying for them but never interacting.

Love also isn't hyper-analyzing every single instance of interaction as to determine motive, intent, and derivatives of perspective. Definitely not.

It's not really viewing everything as a "them" and "me" scenario, either.

So...I've wound down what it's not...

...what is it, then?

Listening. For the sake of being able to share a moment.
For the sake of enjoying someone's company and being able to be there with them.

Without experiencing a compulsion to "fix" them in some way, no matter what seems off-kilter (just a tad with the beam in my own eye, eh?). No. Because that tendency...oh, so very obviously is shameful and I'm utterly ashamed of myself for having dwelt in that land so very, very long.

I couldn't even fix myself. I mean, seriously. The Lord did everything which is now good and all whatsoever is stable.

How absolutely wretched it has been, for me to judge and to look for things which need help. I mean, seriously. Yeah, so there's the tendency to want to justify myself, justify my existence--let alone my presence, anywhere I happen to be...apologizing for just existing... ...which must be released to the Lord, because it does tend to give way into all the rest of this horrendous madness concerning the judging of others. The Lord is the only one who can justify any of us--and we're justified in Him, even then...not in ourselves. So...yeah.

It's as a bunch of servants running around, each trying to act as though we're truly situated in the authority of our Master... ...bossing one another around for the sake of expressing dominance, so as to perceive our own closeness to the Master per our "similar" superiority. When He is not like that, at all.

He simply is sovereign. He doesn't have to exert His dominance openly, as to express the truth of it being so. He is completely superior...supremely above all...and, yet, He doesn't have to flaunt it in ways as to mock our inferiority--pointing our deficiencies out, in opposition to His complete sufficiency, in order to ever assert the truth of those things. He doesn't need to do those things. He doesn't do them. He can do as He will. And He seems oft to just love--without even crushing us all into extinction, despite the atrocities we continually commit as scorning His infinite goodness... He allows us to do those things, loving seemingly nonetheless...yet drawing some to Himself, as to openly evidence His mercy, His goodness, His glory, His love...in being exceedingly good to those who are called...because He can. And so, resting in Him, trusting in Him... ...the One above all, who is good and loving and merciful and just. Resting in Him, then, can we love one another, too. Rather than continuing to rush around attempting to exercise authority in His name... ...which is not as He does... ...then, we can do as He does do--we can love.

Love has a power which has only just begun to even nudge its way into my awareness.

Unadulterated love. The love of God. As God loves. Chaste, pure, holy, unequivocal, unconditional, all-consuming, all-encompassing love. Yet not mindless. Entirely individual, entirely personal, and yet completely non-exclusive.

It's just beyond my comprehension, to think of such love.

Yet, love is the thing. Love conquers all, somehow.

Whereas... Hate (and all its permutations) distorts. Hate contorts. Hate decomposes. Hate destroys. Hate kills.

Love heals. Love conquers even through surrender. Love edifies. Love magnifies. Love gives life.

But only the love of God. Christ's love, in us. Through us.

So, we must love. We must all learn to love. As God loves.

I pray the Lord opens all our hearts, our minds, and our eyes and ears, to the desperate need for love in the world, to the blatant practicality of love, and to an ardent desire for greater capacity to receive His love and thus a resultant expansion in our capacity for yielding to the expression of love to all those whom we encounter; all, through the empowerment of the Holy Spirit as our guide in so seeking and doing, according to Christ's love for us all, and I believe the Father will open these pathways in and through us. Praise the Lord for His goodness and mercy, forever!

Various points of frustration. Much to tend.

He who is the One True and Living God is good. He always provides what is necessary, at the perfect time.

Always.

In the moment necessary, the provision is there. Precisely as needed, in precisely the right moment, to an extent beyond anyone's ability to have conceived of anywise apt request as would yield such encompassing fulfillment as He yet ever provides. Over and beyond our ability to conceive.

I must obey the Lord. In the small things, even as eventually unto the big ones. No matter the reproof. No matter the reproach. No matter the indignation. Nor the offense.

Not willingly nor willfully inviting any such things, nor entering under them intentionally. But accepting them without ire or indignation or resentment when they do arise. As they do. Par for the course, is all. And even without expectation, yet just to note the frequency of occurrence.

One thing, however, that has been duly noted as increasingly brought to my attention...it's not in and of the one who so responds, most generally. We oft know not which spirit we are of...often, we don't. Except as we entirely rely upon Christ, abiding in Him unceasingly...unceasingly. ALWAYS abiding in Christ, without ceasing...ever. Not for a single second, nor for a fraction of a second.

Who, of any of us, as achieved that point? How many truly aspire to? How many are as yet even come to a point of realizing it something to be aspired unto, let alone as to even so venture?

There persists that odd disconnect, within so many of us...wherein we believe in the existence of God, believe in the existence of Christ, and thereabouts have a loose belief in the existence of a"spiritual" beyond our sight...one in which God dwells, and in which Christ is literally enthroned, and in which angels do tread as well as demons. But.. ...there's a disconnect.

We believe in the existence of all else which is, yet which we don't physically observe (generally speaking)...but we have a hard time accepting that all those such things are continually involved in the perpetuation of all which passes, visibly, around us.

Believing God is sovereign, yet having a difficult time conceiving of Him actually being in any way involved in things sovereignly...let alone sovereignly involved in everything which happens. There's yet a spattering of that tendency in me, too, and I have to repent every time it arises...most generally, at present, evidenced in a persisting tendency to want to become apologetic over the state of certain things in the world, in terms of God being sovereign and "yet things are this way."

That's blasphemous.

Horrendous.

God IS sovereign. Nothing happens except through Him or by His will. He has allowed us to exert our own wills. We...allowed Satan to usurp our authority by succumbing to his temptation into self-idolatry. And we yet perpetuate that tendency. Which is the why of the state of things. God allowed us to rebel against Him. He permitted it. And rather than destroying us at that very moment. Rather than destroying Satan at the instance self-idolatry arose and was indulged in his own heart...God has allowed his and our continued existence. Despite it being in defiance of Him. Despite it being in rebellion of Him. He's permitted us to live. And, not only to live, but to experience moments of goodness, regardless. Grace, y'all. The rain falls on the just on the unjust, alike.

Some things even just have to be accepted. As what-with God admonishing Moses, when he started forgetting the distinctive holiness of God in truth, during discourse...He will have mercy on whom He will have mercy. He's supreme Creator and Ruler of the Universe...it's entirely His prerogative to refrain from allowing us to know anything in regard to why He does anything He does, and yet He has let us know some things. Because He is good.

I just...I keep thinking, too...some of the things...maybe I do sort of invite derision, sometimes. Confessing things to folks which are derived from my own tormenting judgments of myself--given that such things are points of internal conflict only ever settled into peace by very prayerfully discerned consideration of the Bible, as opposed to emotional snap-judgments of snippets of text (as ever begets anxiety unto self-torment)--would perhaps mean that the confession itself is made in such a way as to imply judgment as necessary. And tendency to torment myself yields to preference to receive the brunt of expected judgment from others up-front, rather than to then allow myself to construct greater and greater expectations of seething derision festering over the course of an acquaintanceship, without such a point of initial focus. Exorcising my own demons is trying enough, without having to deal with the ongoing possibility of those of others randomly slashing out in rage, wholly unexpectedly. Which...there's no guarantee that anyone would actually "judge" or "attack" according to the standards expected. But...it's expected. And has happened, many, many times without my pre-emptive confession of all my perceived ills. So...must get past that tendency...

All, by the grace of God.

...we all struggle with so much, is all. And I'm just not oft capable of much any more than precisely what the Lord has allowed onto my plate at any given instant (even so "limited" as what-soever I'm "dealing with" may seem to someone else). So, trusting Him, I generally speak whatsoever feels urgent toward maintaining internal peace. Which somehow often tends to incite external attack. Just, such attacks are always most difficult to bear when couched in Biblical terms. Because so very, very much along those lines is yet so very emotional--so much is yet so very tentatively grasped, having only been barely perused for comprehension. I have the most difficult time refraining from not responding in a wrong spirit, in those instances because those such attacks are still the most violently unsettling, persistent internal attacks (thus, instance of attack by others means the attack is perpetuated simultaneously internally and externally). Plus, the direct correlation with pursued knowledge of Christ means a the topic is ever that much closer to my heart, thus more potentially painful...and thus the most apt to yield unto rage rather than continuation in love.

I've never received a rebuke from the Lord which was mocking, though. Mockery isn't something which He does, from what I can tell. And...I'm not easy to deal with, when I'm wrong and need correction. I'm just not. I will not be moved by mockery. Not even if it's only of a single word given in along the whole, through such a spirit...then, still, the entirety is rejected, as in a false spirit.

The Lord knows how to correct me, and He does. Often. To the extent that grief beyond comprehension is periodically yielded for the depth of regret and of grief over having so erred. For having been brought to contrition.

...but He gets me to that point through love.

Not through mockery. Not through pointing out how utterly worthless I am. Not by bringing my attention to how completely errant I am, exclusively according to delineated standards as interpreted by man (as opposed to revealed by the Holy Spirit).

But by bringing me into a deeper realization of His love, of His goodness, of His righteousness, and of His holiness...thus casting into a sharper relief particular aspects of my wretchedness, unto repentance for deepened love for Him and desire as to be conformed to Him.

I had really thought that so much of my tendency to self-mockery and self-derision and self-torture had been eradicated. But, now... ...if the doubts I battle, when shared with others, can then yield to mockery...?

...being mocked is never pleasant--whether internally or externally perpetuated. Just all the more prayerful, then, so as to open to further flaying.

But rather to get it out in the open, than to allow festering, usually.

And I've mocked others, too, is all. Not aware until much later how entirely hurtful, senseless, and malicious were my words. ...if and whenever such revelation has come. How many times have I been so needlessly hurtful of others, without even knowing, ever? ...and so thinking, periodically did I perpetuate a needless tendency to "keep myself in place" by continually mocking myself, internal. "Keeping myself in my place."

How twisted is that? I rationalized it as healthy, for so many years. Past the point where I had ceased receiving the mockery, external, I continued the derisive diatribe internally, so as to keep myself from becoming hopeful or happy or expectant or proud or...howsoever else built up into thinking myself good or worthy or worthwhile. To the extent that, at one point, when everything in life had just become wholly uncertain...I clung to someone who began to be that voice, externalized, again. He mocked me, openly, in front of his friends. Telling me and them how worthless I was, while he ordered me around and kept me in perpetual silence under perpetual threat of verbal or physical reprisal, should I speak or even give the appearance of response. It helped, receiving it externally.

Rather than continually internally.

Not that I in any capacity recommend that course. Abuse is abuse, whether internal or external, and it's not tenable. The Lord did not and does not intend for us to be so bound. Surrendering to Him is the only peace I've ever known, of those voices...to any degree.

Just, I was so lost, back then. That relationship lasted from the time I was 16 until I was nearly 22. And it did become increasingly violent, as such things are wont to do. I know what it feels like to be tazed. I know what it feels like to get to the point where having someone scream over you that your life is in their hands, and no one would stop them from killing you should they so choose...as a large, blunt instrument is held suspended over you, with threat further implied as per the words...and to feel absolutely nothing, then. To have been choked so many times, threatened so many times, hurt so many times...that it no longer mattered. Death was just accepted, staring it in the face as it screamed and railed and threatened to strike with further pain.

I thank the Lord for having been spared. I know I wouldn't have been, even as by my own hand, had He not been with me, even then.

Just...still, to now detect that same voice of mockery in myself to any extent, as evidenced by others, then still lingering, still dogging my trail..? The Lord will deliver.

Lashing out at others usually does indicate pain. Unsurrendered pain has a tendency to yield to various bits of malice. The Lord has to take it over, otherwise pain becomes a playground for dark influences.

A foothold.

No more. By the grace of God, then no more. Just...it's amazing how much love can do. The love of Christ. In us, through us. Love delivers...covering a multitude of sins, even.

There are just so many ways of looking at the same thing, is all. According to psychological tendencies, according to sociological principles, according to neurological bases, according to personal predilections, according to social precepts, according to Biblical standards, according to general tendencies, according to personal motivation, according to spiritual concepts, according to overall design, or howsoever. Point being just that there are fairly endless numbers of ways of understanding the very same thing, even beyond taking into consideration that each individual is going to have a slightly different perspective on each and every of those such understandings.

We all always assume that anything which is "straightforward" can only be interpreted one particular way.

...for instance.

You know what they meant. They meant that the Lord can help us, that we need to surrender our worries to Him, rather than allowing them to bring us to a point of complete collapse. And given that the words were actually put on a sign-board, given that the most ready 'misinterpretation' is so flagrantly derogatory of the church...it's obvious there was no awareness of that blatant dual potential for interpretation. They obviously didn't intend to say to passers-by that the church would gladly help kill folks.

Communication is like that, though. All the time, there are shades of meaning which are just wholly lost to one another, which we're completely incapable of even conceiving of as being existent...differing interpretations which are so innately different from our own that we can't even begin to comprehend their possibility. Assuming that our own interpretation is wholly valid, and the only one which could readily be reached...because "it makes sense," and whatsoever we were interpreting was just so "completely straightforward" that there's "no other logical interpretation."

...just, no.

As another instance, in regard to hearing...just spoken on the radio: (and initially misinterpreted) "Gilead was supposed to have a 'bombed hill'"

...or, more correctly: a "balm to heal"  ...discerned as the proper interpretation given the incomprehensibility of a "bombed hill" in context of a Biblical discussion regarding Gilead, as otherwise generally referenced for having a balm which is healing.

But...for someone unfamiliar with any reference to a "balm in Gilead?" The prior interpretation may have been the only one which remained--never understood, thus all else said would have been overshadowed by confusion.

And, had it been in context of a conversation, rather than as overheard on a radio program...who's to say how long it might have taken either party to have discerned that fundamental misunderstanding which would have likely built into a complete disagreement? Might there have ever come a point of realizing there was a point of misunderstanding?

Often there's not a point of realization. Often, there's a perpetual assumption that all terms spoken are understood according to their intent, without regard for the other person's differences in perception thus understanding. And, in matters such as Scripture...where multiple applications can aptly be derived from particular individual passages, or to even vaster application as taken in tandem with whatsoever correspondent passages are suited to an instance... ...who's to say what would be apt or errant application, ultimately, except for the author?

Which, again, comes back down to a twofold application: Scripture to interpret Scripture...and the teaching of the Holy Spirit, who indwells and leads believers (as according to Scripture). Three testify on earth--the Spirit, the water, and the blood.

1 John 5:5-8

5Who is he that overcometh the world, but he that believeth that Jesus is the Son of God? 6This is he that came by water and blood, even Jesus Christ; not by water only, but by water and blood. And it is the Spirit that beareth witness, because the Spirit is truth. 7For there are three that bear record in heaven, the Father, the Word, and the Holy Ghost: and these three are one. 8And there are three that bear witness in earth, the spirit, and the water, and the blood: and these three agree in one.

So, even taking into account a "principle of first mention" to a passing degree...as within this bit of scripture... ...water is birth, renewal, and otherwise mentioned as the Scripture elsewhere in the Bible... ...blood is life, deliverance, and that which purifies us into Christ--by His blood... ...and the spirit has always been the Holy Spirit, as I'd read it. Even as our own conscience, our own spirits do testify to Christ, upon conversion. But perhaps before, as well, even in opposition then also drawing attention to the Lord by the course of being opposed?

Just...it's still a tripartite nature of witness. It's not restricted to the Bible, exclusive unto itself...as the three agree, in one.

What methodology takes God's nature wholly into account, is what I'm asking. By what course can man fully accommodate for any potential interpretation which the Lord might designate for a given instance, as to have adequately permitted for discernment of the Holy Spirit's directive through methodology, so as to have then remained valid exclusive of actually relying upon the Holy Spirit...as we are so continually wont to proscribe and prescribe so as to "interpret" and "apply" Scripture?

I have just been trying to comprehend, for the past many months...how to account for doctrine, in terms of interpreting and applying Scripture according to the Biblical necessity of being "led by the Spirit." And, again--as of last week(?), I've come to terms with the fact that doctrine does certainly have a place and inherent utility (come to terms with the fact that God will use whatsoever He will, when and howsoever He will, as to manifest His will...and that those ways and means are inclusive of varying things which are yet, in and of themselves, inherently restrictive)... ...but I'm still struggling with a means of bridging the gap between a complete reliance upon doctrine which inherently restricts ever-adaptive application of Scripture within the whole of Its own context as more aptly is described in "being led by the Spirit."

Because, to look at one point exclusively as applicable to a given instance necessarily, by explicit implication, excludes other points which are simultaneously potentially applicable yet counter-indicative. One point of example along this line would be given in consideration of the offices and gifts given by the Holy Spirit.

They're in the Bible. So, if you believe in the Bible...if you're taking God at His Word...those things are inherently implied as relevant points of process in the due course of discipleship under the Holy Spirit...regardless of whether they make you uncomfortable in terms of exceeding "natural" reason...in terms of exceeding the bonds of what can be explicitly described according to our own methodology, without overstepping the bounds of our place as subjects to God (as to this latter, this is precisely concerned with folks taking on the mantle of having begun to decide who receives which office and to whom is given any particular gift, as "methodologically determined according to some natural means of determination"...which describes a method in opposition to the idea of the Holy Spirit ordaining such things, ultimately, as a pre-emption of His own designations).

In other words...

...why are we so utterly opposed to actually "letting" God be God?

He is, regardless of what we do. So, why do we continually decide to pre-empt and attempt to describe Him better than He described Himself? ...why do we continually attempt to pigeonhole Him?

He is perfectly capable of doing everything He ever said He had done, does, or will do...and He will ever do the things which He so does. Regardless of what terms we attempt to describe for Him, so as to operate in accordance with. Methodology does and always will describe some aspect of that very nature and tendency, as within us.

To any extent which it attempts a personal note upon interpretation, any amount of doctrine has and always will also wholly entail a certain attempt to put one's own fingerprint upon the very nature of God, also.

Which is what so confounds me, and why I struggle to read doctrine. I understand it, but...and this is pride which I absolutely must be rid of, as the Lord helps..

...doctrine enrages me with indignation, in many instances.

Not all doctrine, no. But...some things...

...some things are absolute joy to read, as such blatantly humble attempts to approach God in terms which attempt to, in such feeble-minded and worded ways, just approach His glory as a means of trying to further glorify Him in the lives and minds of all who so desire, seek, love, and long for Him.

A lot of doctrine, though, is just "I understand all of these things, and so this is my far superior means of relaying them so as to delineate in an utterly stringent and encompassing way things which far exceed the common man's ability to even begin to comprehend these such things, such that as the Bible is beyond their comprehension, then so they may read my means of having construed it in more linear terms as to allow the application of these terms according to what had ought be most generally known and applied, to each and to all."

Which...I will learn doctrine. Not that I want to. Because I don't. But...I have to get over feeling that I need not learn those such things. Pride is such a nefarious nemesis. Loathesome.

Just...knowing for the sake of knowing. Understanding for the sake of understanding. So as to broaden the scope of potential dialogue. Being humbled in such a way as to be able to do so.

I'm not good at being wrong. I'm not good at being right, either.

But the Lord will help me. He'll continue to humble me. Necessarily so.
We all need humility. Love dwells there.

Love is everything.
The more He shows that, the more the wonders thereby become evident.

Love heals, where naught else can even tread.

...which is wherein I so desperately need the Lord to further humble me and keep me humble. My tendency toward myself...and thus to others, too (which is perhaps moreso a problem)...

...is to rush in where errancy dare make itself apparent and go all "HULK SMASH 'WRONG' THINGS!!!" on the person.

 As opposed to...oh, say...loving the Lord, loving the person, and just listening? ...and letting the Lord lead thereby, thereabouts, and ever onward? Period.

Given that...experience has shown, both on the giving and receiving end...that no matter who is "right" and who is "wrong"...no matter the Scriptural foundation of such assertions unto rectification of perspective or action... ...the "HULK SMASH"-technique is not effective. (Except as the Lord may choose to use it, in instance, as is wholly His prerogative...granted...but, as a general rule...or...  ...okay:) as pertains to myself, that technique is not workable. Neither given nor received. What it tends to, when received, is to remind me of how absolutely atrocious I am and how deserving of utter turmoil...which is all entirely self-centered, ultimately, thus detracting from any growth or deliverance by directing my eyes away from the Lord...as it takes me further back, then into the tendency to try to "keep myself in my place," which is always under someone's thumb. Or, under everyone's, really.

Because, then it becomes a point of course that given everyone else is so far superior to me, I am obligated to injure myself further, emotionally, as to remain entirely subjugated to the will of others, thus adequately subservient to them. As completely demeaned beyond the point of being worthy even of consideration, let alone worth being spoken to...and doing whatsoever mental gymnastics are required to remain in that position of subjugation.

Completely demented. And it's still pride, just turned in upon itself...because it keeps focus entirely on self. Torturing self, granted. But, still...wholly focused on self.

So, being mocked lends itself toward reigniting that tendency, in earnest. Being scoffed at and derided--in any capacity--catalyzes that process unto explosion, unless shelter in the Lord is sought at the outset and ardently retained.

Just...for having lived many years constantly attacked on that such front, as a personal attack, unto completely being stripped of personhood (you know, restricted from tending to personal necessities which make one "socially acceptable" just as a means of exerting dominance, for one thing--restricted from personal hygiene, in other words...and, further, rebuked even unto physical injury for daring to so much as speak--not even to speak in defense, or in opposition...just to speak, whatsoever...attacked at random times, for just being so foolish as to draw attention to oneself by making noise...thus, leading to perpetual silence, rather than to invite the potential for attack, knowing it always possible...knowing it always forthcoming, just never knowing when or on what count...or even whether anything will have even been a trigger, as attack might just randomly occur, as it often did, without warning).

Why did I live with it for over five years? ...even moving cross-country into a point of further seclusion, under those conditions, knowing it could only get worse in so doing?

Looking back, I know I just didn't see an alternative.

I'd been so used to random verbal and physical assaults, already...though to lesser extents, honestly, (except for the ones perpetuated against myself--I was much more brutal than anyone else, until finding that relationship...it was almost a relief, having the voice externalized, rather than having to continue to perpetuate it within). Being "kept in my place." Which was always such a strange thing, given a simultaneous, non-negotiable, external expectation that I must excel beyond all of my contemporaries.

So, on the one hand: Don't dare speak: to be noticed is akin to begging for punishment.
While, on the other hand: You must outdistance the successes of all those around you. Period.

Living with that dichotomy of thought, ever-present and increasingly persistent? Being able to finally reach a point of externalizing it was a blessing. He took things to a point where all I had to do was exist. And barely even that. Just work, do whatsoever was required of me--whatsoever new machinations of subjugation were wrought, submit to them silently no matter how degrading...believing they were all deserved, utterly. And naught else. My grandmother was the only one I was allowed to maintain regular communication with. Everyone else was off-limits, except for irregular points of contact which were generally also reason for punishment.

That was living in terror, most days. Going to work, never knowing when he might show up, but knowing it always a possibility...and that if I was observed talking to anyone I'd ought not, or smiling to anyone it was deemed wrong so to do, then there'd be punishment waiting. He did tell me he'd find me and kill me, if I ever tried to leave him. He told me that, so many times. And that if he ever saw me talking to another man, he'd kill him, too.

That was kind of a daily thing, for a while. And never knowing when he might show up. I worked two jobs to support the two of us and his best friend. And took care of the housework. And usually did whatever cooking was required. ...although there wasn't a lot of cooking. But, then again, I don't really remember a lot, either, as to what went on. Just that it was an every-day thing. Every day.

And I got wrapped up in some serious bad business through various connections forged over the internet. But, then--again, spending a few years developing means of communication which was entirely encoded? When your life depends upon secrecy, as far as even being able to communicate whatsoever...that position affords a depth to necessity which takes the entire schematic to a different level entirely. Both wrought of the immediacy of need for so doing with utmost brevity and also unto multiplicity of meaning quickly conferred along indeterminate layers, yet as jointly determined and comprehended, thus ever to further degrees of freedom of expression as the manner of coding developed with continued use, as to allow for ever broader realms of expression betwixt the never-broken lines of multifarious, interwoven and interweaving connotation. A single, unending, unbroken, ever-deepening conversation, in other words.

Whereas some folks have "inside jokes?" ...which beget inside jokes... Or, as with twins having their own language, wherein presumably it operates along the same lines--they determine their own meanings both of words, syntax, and reference. Thus using the "same language" as everyone around them, but in such a different way as to be completely incomprehensible to anyone else.

There was so much. So many things.

I just... ...I can't talk about some of the things I've seen. I can't talk about some of the things I've experienced. For a variety of reasons.

I used to. I used to speak fairly indiscriminately, sharing certain things with folks who were confindants/es. Which, given what may have happened had I not shared certain of those prior things...I thank the Lord I was indiscriminate to that such degree as to have shared, whatsoever. Even as it did entirely bring home the point that certain things just must not be indulged into confidence with another.

Which, with as open as I have generally been on here, that may seem a strange notion...that there are yet other things, beyond those shared, which are beyond the pale for any disclosure.

*sigh*

I'm still coming to terms with the fact of that. Just...sharing certain things ends up inciting responses which aren't pleasant. Perforce of what the nature of the disclosures are, if for no other reason.

Same as with sharing the Gospel, along one vein. To do so completely indiscriminately, without the prompting of the Holy Spirit and the guidance in speech...is to not only open oneself to disdain, derision, mockery, and abuse...but almost to invite those such things.

this world and much of WHAT is in it...not "who"..."what"...

DESPISES Christ.

Utterly despises Him. Flagrantly, unabashedly, wholeheartedly and with every ounce of their such spiritual being.

Because He is who He is. He is Lord of all. He is King of Kings. Nothing can change that. Period. And certain entities utterly loathe that fact. To the extent that the mere mention of His name is enough to incite the deepest rage unto verbal and even physical assault. ...the thing is, though...unless the Lord allows those such attacks, they can't even touch you. Period.

And if He were to allow those such attacks, there is assuredly some higher purpose to them, to His glory and our good (in terms of, say, stuff like Paul being martyred: not only did that mean he was immediately present with Christ--such a blessing!--but his martyrdom, and the martyrdom of other apostles, is actually present-day used by some as a means of establishing unquestionable logical proof of the truth of the Gospels).

The only safe place is in the Lord, is all. The only peace is in Christ Jesus. The only deliverance is in His unwavering, infinite love. He IS all, in all, and there is no place else for peace or hope or joy.
There is no other salvation.

There is no other power, ultimately. ...no other authority. As, ultimately, it all derives from Him.

So, those who would prefer to be gods in their own right do despise Him for their sheer inability to be separate from Him, ultimately. They resent His sovereignty, as they covet it for themselves and yet can do nothing to gain it.

Same as I loathed the thought of Him being Lord. I despised even the consideration of it.
The point which ultimately, finally, given through grace, came to realization of through revelation of the Holy Spirit, as to be free from that...was that HE IS LORD, regardless of how I would feel about it. Resenting it was pointless, and yet there was that which remained...that voice which was full of loathing, speaking so boldly against Christ's Lordship...despising it...

...without ever even beginning to allow for consideration that, regardless of how it might be resented or coveted...

...that still, small voice whispered "Christ is Lord, regardless."

And that still, small voice makes sense. He always makes sense. And any time there's question, any time the discussion concerns something which requires testing, for requiring action and requiring commitment...beyond the norm...then, that still, small voice gladly refers to Scripture, comprehensively. Not just one passage, generally. Not exclusively to one idea, but to a variety of them.

I used to spend hours, quizzing...just so fearful and afraid to trust. Putting everything through the utmost rigor of examination and cross-examination and re-examination, again and again. Not willing to accept anything except that it be taken forwards, backwards, up, down, sideways, and through the wringer over and over and over again, without any deviation whatsoever and unto further breadth of encompassing message which consistently referred to Christ as Lord, prior to accepting even the most minute idea. For months. And, even now, in so many ways.

Always asking. And always asking for further reference. And always asking for cross-reference. And requiring that they all align, referring to Christ.

Even as I've wandered more now, too, these past few months--looking into a broader scope of ideas and ideologies again, yet through the new scope of recognizing Christ as sovereign, through the new lens of having received deliverance into His kingdom. And increasingly coming to trust Him to keep me, as I learn everything, again...all of it new, as recognizing everything in terms of how it relates to Him.

He prepares us each, is all. Allowing us to go through whatsoever we go through, as to be drawn to Him, then to be empowered for His work, to His glory.

Just...I still don't know what I'm doing, whatsoever, except seeking Him. I'm so weak, in terms of what the world views as strength. It's a good day when I can be in public for any amount of time without having to literally flee to solitary prayer, as to evade sheer panic. ...despite that, somehow, for years I'd worked myself up to the point where being in public didn't result in panic attacks...that, for years, I'd even gotten to the point where I would intentionally go to be amongst crowds as with Mardi Gras, just to disappear in their midst. Same as walking down unlit streets at 3am, by myself.
Being one with the darkness, becoming a part of it. I was more comfortable in the shadows than in the light. More comfortable with the things that hide in shadows than those which hid in the light. To a certain point, the things which hid in the shadows ran from me...although that edge was almost never pressed. Yet, it was so.

Same as, even with the fellow who beat me. Twice, over the course of the relationship...I got to the point where I was sick of it, and overpowered him, and just held him down until even the rage abated in the face of his being completely incapacitated from motion. Twice. The second time, so much more obviously done that the first. The second time, I completely pinned him to the ground. After he'd attacked me, I flipped him onto his back, and pinned him. Much less muscular than I am now, even. Not even outweighing him, then. Just...I did it, regardless. And held him down, as he further raged at being held captive.

The adrenaline which a person gets when they're backed in a corner is usually something to behold, really. Completely unleashed, unreasoning...rage beyond reason. Unchecked by the constraints of logic, freed into the sheer strength of absolute reckless desperation as to regain freedom.
He couldn't move.

So, how twisted of me, then? To have continued in that situation.

For as strong as I was then, in dominating whatsoever realm experienced, all the weaker now...for seeing and having known the things. For having only made ways as to cope through means which were ultimately destructive. For having made compromises of self to whatsoever was necessary just to survive a moment, without thought for the impact on anyone around, self included.

To hospitalization, after hospitalization, after hospitalization.

Just...it's all the more humbling to look back, seeing how utterly reckless and self-destructive and arrogant and inconsiderate and thoughtless I've ever been...to see all the pride and the anger and the lust for power and the self-idolatry and all else which drove me...even seeing the attempts at love, the striving for peace, the desire for truth, and the yearning for fulfillment... ...all so misguided, so utterly, completely oblivious.

...it's all the more humbling, to see all that, and have been blessed to receive Christ's love.

To have gone from the unbroken mentality wherein the unspoken was "so, you think you can break me?...well, watch and see how much better at it I am, than you--I'll break myself into a million pieces before you've even thrice stabbed my heart"...to have gone from that to one wherein, yes, there's still pride which need be further surrendered and eradicated, as the Lord provides...and, yes, there are still moments given to self-torment, as the Lord yet guides me out of that prideful, defeatist mentality...but, now, given moreso to love and desire to see others delivered further into His love, even as desire to further know His love continues.

There are so many, many things. So I can't, thus I won't be anyone except who I am. Even as I can't entirely explain myself. And won't. Despite that many times it may seem as though a ..fair to middling job of that's somewhat accomplished.

The Lord will do as He will with me, as with you, and with any of us. So, even as I'm yet struggling to surrender some of these long-persistent, baser tendencies...just to see them, to have been reminded of them...is such a blessing, as knowledge of their presence does empower to pray for, thus receive, deliverance.

The Lord will use whatsoever He wills, as to bring each of us to that point. In whatsoever capacity, in whatsoever instance. To each our own, as the Lord leads.

I'm always rather astounded at how things which are intended to very specific ends are taken by the Lord to yield completely different results. And, just always to further surrender to His good and gracious will and being and love.

Surrendering to love is so completely difficult. Refusing it because "I don't deserve it" is every bit as prideful as would be refusing it because "I don't need any more than I've already received," though, so I'd rather go forth with surrendering ever more fully to His love. It heals.

Nothing else did.

Years, years, decades of therapy and dedicated self-analysis according to such principles as are the norm in psychological circles, unto "healing" did not yield the wellness which less than a year of time spent ardently pursuing Christ has so done.

Even as that's not pridefully said, given that I'm well aware that, except that He keeps me...except that He sustains me, moment by moment...I would be less than a quivering mess in the corner, yet still.

Just...those are the options. It doesn't seem like most folks end up in that particular position, wherein it's either "seek the Lord first" or "live in a hospital, because it's not possible to even make it through a shopping trip without having a nervous breakdown." Which...if it weren't for the stark clarity of having realized that latter eventuality a couple years ago, I'd not have been considering willingly becoming homeless, as to hitchhike the country. ...when you get to the point where, no matter what you do, everything falls apart...and no matter what you try, you just aren't capable of keeping yourself "together" for more than six months at a time (unless massive quantities of alcohol are being consumed, which then extends the span to anywhere between one year and 18 months--no more, though)...

...when you get to that point, in any capacity, and then find something which not only promises peace but actually provides it, in good measure, continually?

It kind of changes everything. Including all perspective of what "normal" is. And of what "sensibility" is.

To the extent that, even over this such short span of time as it's been, walking with the Lord...I've already, time to time, taken it for granted that "stability" is a thing in my life. Because it's become so "normal" to be able to just be okay, no matter what is going on.

Despite that my youngest sister--the one person who was able to talk me out of a suicide attempt, year before last (although she wasn't entirely aware that being on-call, 24-hours a day for three weeks was precisely accomplishing that end)...the one person to whom I'd been able to turn, emotionally and spiritually and mentally, since and even somewhat during the abusive relationship, continually as life fell apart over and over and over again, for the past 15 years...the person who, yes, there has been some turmoil with before, but who has been the continual family in my life aside of my grandma, since mom died.. ...despite that my youngest sister started flinging malicious insults at me, without any natural cause and without any natural explanation, entirely randomly in other words, this past summer. After the point at which we had all finally come to be in a place, living near enough to one another whereas we could finally spend time together regularly again... ...then, without warning renounced all family.

Despite that happening this past summer. And being unable to talk to any friends from New Orleans, really, given that my relationship with Christ has now made it impossible to be able to be completely open without completely offending them... ...and yet being open with them, regardless, perforce of the abject necessity of proclaiming the Gospel to them, explicit, as knowing they must come to know the Lord somehow or be lost forever (yet refraining from saying everything I wanted to every single time, just so as not to completely invite absolute rejection of the all)...

So, despite all that...

...and then, having family completely become anxious over everything with my sister, to the extent all and sundry were terrified to their core of what was going on, terrified utterly--with good reason, in all honesty...

...and simply having to remain steadfast in the face of knowing the justification of their terror yet refuting its stake. Having to boldly profess the Lord, regardless of appearances, knowing it the only way to maintain sound life and limb of those concerned...

...and going to church, to any church which the Lord allowed, every night of the week when possible...so as to just be able to maintain any semblance of sanity, in the midst of complete chaos--no one to speak to, nor to turn to, except the Lord. Doubt on all sides, else, and what attempts were made to consult with pastors yielding little else than being referred back to the Lord.

...and having begun much of all this course in May, having been struggling for months over not having an apartment nor even a room of my own, continually battling the indignation, the fear, the self-loathing over the state of such a thing, while having Matthew 8:20 become persistently obnoxious (after having lived an entire life without ever having heard the verse, then to just wander across it and become wholly unable to get away from it--even now)...while knowing the need to "Wait...just wait..," despite wanting "stability." Then, to hear my grandmother had been placed on Hospice care, with the expectation of her passing within days...

...so, rushing cross country, to find the first degree of persistent, all-encompassing peace in nearing the area. Despite circumstances. Peace. Even as the trip somehow was made to coincide with my sister's first visit to the area since having left in 2008, and to hear her family profess the same peace--then, so deciding all to move, if the Lord willed. To retreat to our respective states, prayerfully agreeing to move, if the Lord willed.

...then, to return to Florida for two hectic weeks of ridding nearly all my earthly possessions in various directions (some of which, most of which, to my sister). As to return to prepare the house for my sister. Then, so beginning, to have traveled with my dad to Kentucky upon having lost a cousin to suicide...and assisting in all as possible, even unto prayer.

...then, returning to Virginia, to learn my sister's husband had lost his job the day of return, and they were without transportation and means to even get groceries. So, then to prayerfully drive to Louisiana, thanking the Lord for His great goodness in allowing for the perfection of timing! And, then returning altogether to Virginia and West Virginia--border-counties. Then, within a month and a half, the prior mentioned account of her...random declension..unto a month and a half of abject terror for family, prayerfully attending all. And, even now, prayerfully attended...only noting that  renunciation of family yielded to an off-kilter "peace" (Mexican stand-off?) which persists...

...then, immediately followed by near-loss of my grandfather. Day and night in the hospital, that first week. And he went into seizure after he came out of dialysis--the first dialysis in two years. I touched him, and he started having a seizure. And the doctors came, saying there was nothing they could do...touching him, praying for him, being ushered out of the room--everyone speaking as though he was already dead... ...having to get my stepbrother from school, returning to find him still alive, despite what everyone else believed. And the doctors absolutely baffled that no brain damage had been incurred. Everyone sitting around, joking with one another, as he yet lay there...on the cusp of death... ...having to go pray, and as part of leaving, being derided...

...then, praying...

...returning to others, even more preachers...a roomful of preachers, and they all sat, laughing...joking. No prayer. Then, to sit reading Scripture quietly aloud, in the floor beside his bed.
So torn, so very exhausted, but knowing the Lord's will be done.

And he awoke. He spoke..even if so very weakly. And more, of the remaining awake to tend to whatsoever need arose--he was too weak even to reach for the call button, so every need had to be recognized by someone else as to even be tended. More of a delirium than a sleep, so constant watch had to be maintained to insure he didn't injure himself--so many times, he went to try to pull at tubes.. ..not understanding what they were, just reaching in delirium. And yet, still, the Lord allowed me to go to church that week's end. He kept me awake for the drive up and back, despite the lack of sleep for a week. He kept me awake and blessed me so soundly in the words which poured forth from His ministers. He provided comfort through those who are His.

And allowed me to begin also seeing to my grandmother more directly, that next week. The next to last week of her life.

For hours a day, that last week. By his grace.

Even as my grandfather regained strength, my grandmother lost consciousness.

And I'd let off on prayers for my sister, over the course of the crisis with my grandparents. Despite hearing of things yet falling further apart, now, with my sister...still, I pray.

Still, I pray. And my grandfather comes home, tomorrow. After complete kidney failure, a month and a half ago, his kidneys are restored sufficiently as to not require dialysis. And, despite having gotten to the point, a month and a half ago, that he couldn't lift a fork...he can walk. Despite that doctors considered him dead, and couldn't comprehend how he hadn't suffered brain damage...he's well.

By the grace of God. And by the will of God.

So, so-what if I've not been able to do anything with work, yet? So what if my first priority, right now, isn't getting a job. If I'd had one, I'd have quit it in favor of being there for family. And the one I did have I let go, and am glad to've so done as not to've had that commitment hanging over my head as a constant burden in the face of all else which has transpired. Any additional stress was not necessary. Personally, I'm confounded that the Lord has done such a work in me that I've been able to be there for family without having succumbed to what stresses there have been and are in just by-proxy experience, over all these months. Even, perhaps especially, in regard to grief over my grandmother...I miss her, but I know she's in a far better place now. And that gives me peace, in itself, even beyond the love the Lord has showered on me as to so allow me the time with her which, had I remained in Tampa, would not have been so.

The thing is...I can't do any of the things I've done, these past months. I'm not capable of making it through a month on my own, with any of this stuff...or even a day. Let alone to have had peace. And to have had peace which abides, so long as I remain obedient to the Lord.

And right now, I'd rather that. I'd rather have peace than be accepted. I'd rather have the Lord's love than be exalted by men. I'd rather do whatsoever He wills me, even knowing persecution comes.

If He can keep me from having a nervous breakdown after having been threatened with 10-days' jail-time for insisting upon leaving prior to a deposition, as to make it to church (in the midst of some of the worst of all which has gone on)...thrice told I'd be jailed, praying all the while to the Lord that--whatsoever He wills, accepting He'd get me through without church if it were necessary but relying upon Him either way...and having peace tend with the thought of going to church, still...despite the terror, then shielded from it at the point of accepting it in favor of being obedient...
...just insisting that the judge be told why I had to leave...
...then, to have the judge accommodate me, apologizing for the wait--he'd been in church, when he was summoned...as he even reassured that jail wouldn't have been a possibility, as I'd not signed the form but was present as a willing witness.

...but, still, the sheer stress alone...were it outside of the Lord...of being presented with the choice of "jail, if you go to church" or "no church=no jail=no peace." ..despite that it turned out to be an empty threat. Still. That epitomizes the past year, in so many ways.

So, really...it's in the Lord's hands. I'll do as He wills, because He keeps me safe no matter what's raging around me. No matter.

And if He would use anything I do or say to His glory--with as horrid as I've ever been, and as faulty and weak, even now...then He could use anything. And, so, doctrine is something of curiosity. Because He does use doctrine to bring men into a deeper knowledge of Himself. And, as such, it's desired to know whatsoever more can be gleaned of Him through such a venue, even as to then be familiarized with one other means of being able to translate Him and His goodness unto others, to His glory and their good.

Many, many words.
tldr: Life has been (and is) much madness. Jesus brings it all into submission. Submit to Him and be delivered unto salvation and peace and love, no matter the storms which rage.