...a week's worth of fighting off tendency to self-harm. Which could have been entirely let to be, if I'd given it all to the Lord and just let it be, rather than engaging in the battle.
There's still the tendency to want to slip back into more of the strain. But, no. Back with the whole idea of thinking oneself into a corner, is that. Whereof there used to be so many warnings given that my tendency to over-analyze would lead to a break-down. "You think too much," has always been a commonly received epithet...from most all with whom thoughts have ever consistently been shared--fairly sporadic, that last, except as in varying places online, since 2002.
It doesn't matter, really. Yes, I suppose many of the nervous breakdowns might have been avoided if not for the tendency to whittle myself down to absolute shreds, incessantly. But that tendency came and went, over time. Living in Christ has made it a different experience.
Just...when it gets to a point of breakdown, there's a place of safety to retreat to, in prayer. In reading Scripture. All of which goes so much further than anything ever before experienced. Even as, still, there's a choice.
Inasmuch as there's ever such a thing as choice, really. Ofttimes, it never even becomes apparent that options exist. As with this, with Christ. I'd had no idea, before...I really hadn't been aware it would be as it is. No matter how people described Christianity--I'm not sure if I didn't hear what they were saying, or if they just weren't describing Him in terms which were adequate to even begin to relay the nature of the experience.
Probably both.
If I'd known. If I'd had any idea, truly, I wonder if I'd have gone through with all the other things I'd sought as answers. I'd like to think not, but... ...probably so, still. Just to spite myself.
He knew. He knew, even through all that. And it just breaks my heart, looking back, to think of what it must have been...what it must be like...to see those beloved hurt themselves and refuse to be comforted. Not just refuse to be comforted, even, but effectively lash out against He who would be the comforter. If it weren't for such rebellion, such blasphemous hearts. Such rage against our Maker which does distance us from Him, as we harm ourselves and flaunt it to Him. We break ourselves and one another, time and again, and thumb our noses at Him.
The idea that He loves me is still very difficult to accept, but those moments of clarity...wherein it's most stricken my heart to consider my own depravity...the pain incurred, the repentance wrought, the grief incited is in realization of the pain caused. At which point, in openly considering, there's yet a drawing away from the idea of His love. Because I'm not worthy, and that makes me want to reject love, outright. Not just His love, either. Anyone's. Everyone's.
He's going to have to help with that, so much. I can't do anything with it. I don't even know where to start, at this point--the only success ever had with the idea of even addressing my aversion to receiving love has come by way of finally coming to terms enough as to cease running from it, literally, whenever it's expressed. Because...love is pain.
Love hurts. And not just hurts, it absolutely devastates.
The bag I used to carry around very much proclaimed that belief, "Love Kills Slowly."
That was life. So, at the core of all my efforts to heal, to grow, to thrive, to prosper...lingered that belief, as continually reinforced by experience. Longing for love, longing for acceptance, longing for stability and security, but having begun to believe the only course by which those could be experienced on any count was as internally derived and maintained directives--as even the love of friends somehow couldn't adequately satisfy a yearning for some inexplicable companionship which was only known as necessary per a longing for fulfillment.
There was just a desire for something more. Something else. And I expected it be love, in some capacity.
Long story short, on that count...it didn't work out. Loving friends got me so far, but there was always something more--some deeper level of companionship, yet untapped. Time and distance from friends has yielded to a slow, sorrowful distancing...such that, even now, except for the fellowship of the Holy Spirit, there'd be a great deal of remorse. Loving my mother and losing her fed into the fear of love, except as to now have experienced the peace which the Lord has given throughout the loss of my grandmother.
But...there was just...before now, before knowing the Lord and experiencing His companionship...
...love was pain. Love was loss. Loss by either time, space, or choice. No one, none of us, was capable of maintaining the same degree of attention and camaraderie as ever had been begun. So, each new meeting was...and, in many ways, still is...met by a certain degree of sorrow.
For, another friendship wrought entails another beloved one eventually lost to time and distance.
Even now, that tendency lingers. In the friendships forged recently, there's a tinge of sorrow in interactions, on my part--ever believing, partially, that at some point this all will come to a close...the fellowship, so treasured, will come to an end far sooner than would be desired or preferred.
...so as to expect the pain, then. Loving, but losing all the while. Loving, counting all lost, all the while.
Not knowing when to expect to be shut out. But expecting it, nonetheless.
Just...the Lord isn't like that. He's not going to just abandon me, some day. If I were too much trouble for Him, He would have let me die all those many times when it was eminent. If I were that much of a nuisance to Him, He wouldn't have saved me.
I had ever been looking for someone to save me from myself. I am my own worst enemy, in so many ways.
There just...He will help, too, with this difficulty in regard to love. To be humbled by love is one thing. But to fear it? To reject it outright, because it's not deserved? To run from it, given a misplaced belief that it's better not to receive than to receive and then be rejected?
No. Just...no.
I have to surrender that fear...and surrender rejection of love founded upon unworthiness. Whichever way things go, He won't abandon me, so while other things may still hurt...He will be there. He will bolster me. He is my rock. He is my shelter. My tower. My refuge. My keeper. My King.
...
things are so very strange. I've been listening to a Carmen playlist for the past 15 minutes or so, and...just so many memories. I remember listening to these songs. Being so very moved by all of them. I'd expected, listening again, now...to be struck with a sense of absurdity, over how dated the material is...or to be struck with a sense of shame, in considering how I could ever have been so taken with the music. But...honestly...it glorifies Christ.
Maybe not as eloquently as did Charles Wesley...nor even as reverently as, say, Chris Tomlin..
...but the music glorifies Christ. And I'm enjoying it. Not saying it's not...overdone?...cheesy?...
I dunno. But...it glorifies Christ.
He's going to be less than two hours from here, in two months. Trippy. Dude is touring.
$10, general admission.
I really don't know what to think, on that count. There's still...so much prayer, on that front.
Wanting always to have an explicit course for determining the "rectitude" of a person's message or method of worship. It's just...like as with all the churches I'd been attending...having begun to pray for discernment prior to leaving WV in 2013.. ..and then beginning to attend all the many churches. And certain things said, certain statements proclaimed...would be like nails across a chalkboard, to the point that I'd catch myself physically cringing and withdrawing. Worst of which was the instance of running, wailing from a church.
...which...yeah. Blasphemy in the pulpit.
If I'd had any idea that sort of response would be forthcoming...I'd have not gone. But for three weeks, there'd been warning. And I didn't heed. So, yeah. That was...entirely traumatic. And avoidable, had I listened.
Much, much prayer though. Because, still--the Lord has been making it entirely apparent that it's not my place to judge on any such accounts. Not MY place. Period.
And I keep asking...rather abashedly...whether it's anyone's place, here and now, so to do. I really don't feel like it's my place to even ask that, honestly.
The only thing I'm pointed to, in regard to all that...
1 Corinthians 1:10-13
10Now I beseech you, brethren, by the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that ye all speak the same thing, and that there be no divisions among you; but that ye be perfectly joined together in the same mind and in the same judgment. 11For it hath been declared unto me of you, my brethren, by them which are of the house of Chloe, that there are contentions among you. 12Now this I say, that every one of you saith, I am of Paul; and I of Apollos; and I of Cephas; and I of Christ. 13Is Christ divided? was Paul crucified for you? or were ye baptized in the name of Paul?
I've also been rebuked multiple times, this past week's worth of time in keeping with the following:
John 21
21Peter seeing him saith to Jesus, Lord, and what shall this man do? 22Jesus saith unto him, If I will that he tarry till I come, what is that to thee? follow thou me.
...I keep asking why it is that certain folks have things a certain way, why they have a particular walk with Him, whereas I'm just a complete basketcase if the stuff that others are able to do is so much as considered, let alone even attempted.
So, that's been kind of humbling. It's not my place to ask why they have a different walk. I follow Him, so it's not any of my business in what capacity others follow Him. Seriously. Terrible, really. But, all week, that bit of Scripture keeps coming to mind...every time I start questioning why things are they way they are for me, as compared to whosoever else is being considered at a particular moment. I'm neither to covet their walk, nor to be concerned with how theirs differs from my own. Period.
That tendency to covet what another believer has, in their walk with the Lord...spiritual jealousy is what one of my sisters has called it... ...is insidious. Because, superficially, initially...there's almost a seeming godliness in a perceived desire for a deeper walk with Christ...but...then, there's the jealousy which springs up. Either jealousy or idolatry, equally likely, when looking to someone else's walk with Christ. I've been guilty of both. (Still praying about having properly reverent, yet neither covetous nor idolatrous regard for my spiritual elders.)
It detracts from humility and appreciation in my own knowledge of the Lord, is all. As though, somehow, my walk with Him is lesser than that of someone else just for being less broad in outreach or scope of influence or realm of consideration. But it's not like that. And I've been shown as much so so many times, these past many months.
He desires obedience. We are to love God. We are to seek Him. And we are to obey. Faith is what is required as to even be able to please Him, whatsoever. But we are to love Him with our all, seeking Him first in all things, depending wholly upon Him, following Him.
And it's no less a thing done, of all that, for one to be obedient in so doing all that in course of raising a household of children, over course of volunteering internationally for missions, throughout course of engaging in a lifelong street ministry, by way of handing out Gospel tracts to folks, per the course of walking with Christ along one's career as a janitor, over the course of whatsoever...it doesn't matter, just so long as there's obedience in all those things which He requires. Whether an international ministry or a silent witness over the course of one's career--obedience is better than sacrifice, to Him, as we seek and love Him...so, just to be who we are, wherever He leads, however He leads. Not coveting the positions of others.
Being fulfilled, through abiding in Him. Period. Whether that's as a drifter, a street preacher, a housewife, an employee at McDonald's, a lawyer, a football player, a preacher, an evangelist, a prophet, a missionary, or whatsoever a person's calling in life or at a particular moment over the course of their life may be. Just being led by the Holy Spirit, in whatsoever.
Something shared as a point of discussion at one of the churches in Tampa, on that point...which still convicts me...
Are you satisfied serving the Lord where you are, or do you feel like you deserve to be doing something bigger?
Ouch.
Seriously. I took that to heart, back in May. Because it's true. The Lord wants obedience, not glory-seekers. Not power-mongers. Not legalists, either. Children. Obedient children.
There just seems to be a bit of a disconnect sometimes, though, talking about my walk with the Lord. Wherein--yeah, there are a lot of things I'm still learning, and will ever continue to learn.
1 Corinthians 8 ESV
2If anyone imagines that he knows something, he does not yet know as he ought to know. 3But if anyone loves God, he is known by God.
...for real.
Just, it's possible to have a deep relationship with Christ without ending up traversing the globe. It's possible to have an entirely revolutionary relationship with the Lord without ending up in work in the church. It's possible. Entirely. We each are to have a personal relationship with Christ, as even ever implied in the pursuit of salvation. Salvation is the beginning of that personal relationship.
So, my relationship with the Lord is what it is. He's taught me a lot, and is still showing me a lot. And will continue to do so. Because nothing will dissuade me from pursuit of Him, ultimately--for which I have to thank Him, even, because it's beyond me to even be able to be faithful. But He will keep me near Him. He will help me to seek Him. For which...oh, such gratitude.
Because there are so many things to learn. So, so many things to yet surrender. And to repent of--even unaware, just knowing it's so, and seeking further revelation.
There are so many things. My mind is still so very ...fractured, right now. Moreso than ordinarily the case.
So many things have been concerning, lately, in terms of being called to task over my tendency to judge the practices of others. What place is it of mine, so to do..
And that tendency persists on an interpersonal level--varying between a stance of covetousness, idolatry, or criticism--same on a church level, too. And it's not to be so.
If I had listened to the prompting to refrain from attending the one church which I ended up running out of, at the point I'd been prompted to so do...then that wouldn't have happened. But, it turned into an opportunity to pray...and, still, to pray.
But, still, is it yet my place to even "place judgment" on them, now? In any capacity? I'm a servant, same as they are...whether the other stance is one purported or one in truth is not my business. My place is to follow Christ, and do as He bids me. Whether that's serving Him in private worship and devotion, through service of others, through interacting randomly to testify, through blogging oddly about the whole process, or eventually to doing whatsoever. It doesn't matter what the process is, except that the acts are in obedience. Then, whatever they are, there will be His peace. And His fellowship. And love.
Which is all that was ever wanted, really. So, obedience is desired on my end, too.
Being obedient means I'm conforming to His providential will. And as His will is that I seek Him first, in all things, then there will always be fulfillment found in so doing--regardless of what the process before me, in which to so seek Him. Sometimes seeking Him is seeking Him primarily in prayer. Sometimes it's in study. Sometimes it's in conversation unto testimony. Sometimes it's in worship. Sometimes it's in service. Sometimes, in working. Doesn't matter, except to seek Him.
Which is wherein, too, I'm not so sure about this whole tendency and desire to go around seeking to denounce various forms of ministry and worship and practice... ...He's moreso been leading me to just pray when there are things which are seen and heard to be off-kilter. Ultimately, He has to be the one to align, anyway. If He were to choose to provide rebuke through me, then...that would be one thing. But--again--that's not my place.
Whether it's not my place now, or will never be my place is irrelevant in terms of just knowing it's Him I follow.
All I do know is that I'm given to be able to share that, as there may be some who are trapped in that mire who had similarly ought not be. Because it does offer a sense of power, in having allowed a person to, in one capacity or another, purport to exert dominance over another. Rather than to love, in humility, then to claim superiority.
We must be so very careful of that, all of us. ...there's a temptation, also, to want to believe there's a "corner on the truth," in walking with Christ. But...we're blessed. As was so very wonderfully described to me a couple weekends ago (one weekend?)...we who are saved and who know Christ, of all people, should see how much more indebted we are to all those around us--just given that we, same as all others, are sinners saved by grace into love...and that this love we know, in Christ...we must share, as others have been blind to even the possibility of such a thing for having never known Him. We don't nor ever could deserve His love, but we have it. And, so knowing, so experiencing, and knowing how horrid life without love is...we are utterly indebted for having so received, and are thus that much more indebted to those around us as to share what we have received.
...not nearly as well described as it was initially, but the gist is there.
So, as far as that goes...I just can't reconcile that with going around pointing fingers at people.
Two things:
First off, it's only by grace that any of us know anything of Truth. ...that any of us know Christ, whatsoever--purely grace. So far as time, place, and whatsoever else the Lord used to bring us into knowing Him. As in my case, I wasn't physically in a church when He converted me. I'd been in attendance of five different churches, plus other services...prior to being converted. My family raised me in church, and I still ended up pagan, periodically agnostic, and all sorts of blasphemous and idolatrous. And, I wasn't physically in a church nor anywhere near anyone when He converted me.
...when He showed me what my sin had done, as I was crushed by the vision of how perfectly precious He is and how absolutely wretched are my sins. I remember it, now. I still haven't quite recollected where I was driving...but I was driving. And everything changed, I just loathed sin, then. For the first time.
A strange position to be in, though, given that happening outside of church and outside of fellowship with anyone. It means there's not been a false attribution to either church or man, for my salvation. And, all the more humbling, to have to attribute it solely to Christ. Nothing by man, not by my will, nor by anyone's might. Grace. Same as all the many learnings.
So, if someone doesn't realize something is so very wrong or even blasphemous... ...it's only by grace that I do realize it's against the Lord's teachings. ONLY by grace. So, in those instances there is prayer, now, as to whether I can say something to help shed light...whether it's my place to be able to say anything at all...or otherwise to just pray, plead with Him to open eyes, hearts, ears, and minds. Rather than to pray for the fire of God to rain down.
Seriously.
You remember what the Lord told James and John about that, don't you, as to when they wanted to have judgment immediately called down on an area that wholly rejected Him? They weren't operating in a good spirit, basically...not of God...
...which brings to:
Secondarily, as was mentioned in one bit of teaching listened to today...further reinforcing the idea, as a confirmation...it's not the person we're actually contesting. It's the spirit they're operating under/in. Either the Spirit of God or not. And, if not, then that alone is call for prayer. Not necessarily for public decrying of all which the person is...but prayer.
Sometimes...sometimes the Lord will allow for direct confrontation of those such things. But...it has to be as He leads. Needs to be, rather. Because, ultimately, even if they're operating out of their own spirit, rather than the Spirit of God...it's still not well, entirely.
The lattermost of this such point is why "New Covenant" prophecy is supposed to be judged by the prophets. Not because prophecy is somehow different, as far as God's inerrancy...as far as God's consistency...but because of people's tendency to speak out of the flesh, rather than according to the prompting of the Holy Spirit.
I struggled with that one for a few days, really. Hearing of how some folks apparently consider modern prophecy as...dubious, in contrast with "Old Testament prophecy," which was considered inerrant. But, no.
The test of prophecy, as from whence it hast derived is that it does come to pass, if it were of God. Otherwise, it wasn't of God.
I struggled with that for a good long while, too. But... ...that's largely because there's a serious disconnect in what the flesh wants prophecy to be, as opposed to what God provides it for.
Yes, it is to edify...in Christ...yes, it can be predictive...as a method by which the Lord sometimes chooses to reaffirm that He is who He says He is...thus revealing Himself...and, yes, it can admonish...as to restore to and edify in Christ.. ...but... ..it's not about satisfying desires for attention, esteem, entertainment, establishing dominance by expressing wrath, nor any other sort of self-edification. It's not supposed to be any such sort of bandaid, but is a balm. Prophecy has ever been intended as a curative, not a tonic. Seriously. As goes all the gifts the Holy Spirit gives.
But, on that point...again, it's a wrong spirit even if done as a "tonic," as in the flesh. Still, prayer, though.
And whatsoever the Holy Spirit leads into, of course. But prayer seems something that's always acceptable. The one instance in which I got carried away for a moment, speaking out of turn to rebuke in accordance with Scripture...I'm still humbled over. It was made very clear to me that, for me at least, that approach isn't appropriate. Doesn't matter how "errant" a thing is...still, it's my place to pray. Not to decry. But to pray.
And something listened to today shed a lot of light on the "why" of that restriction. Which ties in quite well in accord with the consideration of there being a wrong spirit in operation..
...yes, Jesus rebuked certain people very strongly. But He loved to a degree which is inconceivable to us, throughout all the rebuke. Same as the message today included mention that the children of the speaker were the only ones he had rebuked entirely strongly--not the children of others, even...just his own children...because the rebuke was sourced from a love so deep that harm was not in any way entailed as underscoring the process. Strong rebuke, then, only as sourced from the deepest of love--desiring wholly a restoration of the person so rebuked, not desiring their destruction.
As considered multiple times last week, personal experience has been that...receiving admonishment that isn't couched entirely in love yields further declension. Because whatever's there, already--whatever wrong spirit (whether of the adversary or of flesh)...it will bristle at anything resembling ire or mockery or derision or criticism. Or even love...although love has a way of crossing barriers which otherwise are entirely unbroachable, even if not with utmost visibility immediately. Still, it gets through where naught else can even tread.
So...love.
It's really all about love.
Really.
Loving God, learning His love...receiving revelation of His love...more and more...being completely transformed by His love.
And spreading that joy. Loving others as He loved us.
Chaste, unconditional, all-consuming, all-encompassing.
One of the pastors in Florida always spoke of love in terms of this:
Your capacity for love is no greater than your ability to love the person whom you like the least.
There's a certain degree of truth there. Whosoever it is which grates on your nerves, irrationally so, beyond reason (if there is such a person)...your ability to love only runs as deep as your ability to love that person. Going around pointing fingers at folks and talking about how doomed they are, taking any amount of pleasure in the idea of their judgment? ...evidences not only shallowness of love but a lack thereof. All the more need for prayer, evidenced.
We so need to pray for one another. Seriously.
Relishing the idea of someone's misfortune is a dire state of lovelessness. No matter how desperate their crime. We have all sinned horribly against God. All of us. Period.
I'm just so terrible at loving. But the Lord will help.
Just...seeing these things, hearing them...empowers to pray.
He is helping. His love is beyond comprehension, and even to be able to accept such love...
...to receive, as to be able to share, then. By grace, all
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