(...fine, the title is changed. It's increasingly been a point of concern, given vast potential for offense. Perhaps entirely warranted as such. Still praying about that. Glibness is so common, though...is it truly not acceptable? And if unacceptable as directly pertains to the holy, then what is there which the Lord has approved which had ought not also be so reverenced?)
The past week and some has been chock full of distractions. Holidays (blessedly) included. Also, many random "necessities" entailed utterly demanded attention beyond my capacity for restraint, and so it was given. As with watching a presumably-live, televised broadcast of the midnight mass in Saint Peter's Basilica.
Entirely distracting, yet "necessary."
So, much prayer and reading again, now. Seeking the Lord again, even more ardently perhaps, for having become lax. Lax, even unto temptation.
There's a book by Andrew Murray started a week ago--not the one linked on the blog, here, but another one...the subsequent book, it seemed--which seems to speak entirely to present circumstances, only the time isn't yet to read. Instead, the books presently linked are ones of necessity, and given the Murray book linked is a 21-day devotional...
Yeah.
I removed the book which was aspired to, and put on the ones which are actually presently being read.
..
Discipline is something which has increasingly become a point of note. Both in regard to personal matters and specifically in regard to that practiced within a church body, unto the laity (even as discipline regarding leadership has also been a focus, it's not presently as much a point demanding attention).
There's such a need for discipline, on all fronts.
And, yet, as grace applies to the working of salvation wholly...discipline is a strange thought.
But...as James pointed out the necessity for works as a proof of faith, perhaps discipline is similarly a proof of salvation? Ever so much as love is, for sure. John talked about that sort of stuff, really.
The Murray devotional has given a lot to think about, in terms of the effective working of salvation--reminding that it's wholly a supernatural, miraculous work of God, thus not something we have control over...to will or to do, really. Which is wherein "Waiting on God" comes in. Diligently applying ourselves to Him, waiting on Him...and He will work in us and through us that which is to His glory.
Trust is such a big factor there, for me. It's absolutely horrendous to continually realize how very untrusting I am...how untrusting of God...of our Lord...
Completely shameful. Disgraceful. Blasphemous, in ways.
And I want nothing more to do with failing to trust God. I want to trust Him completely, in all things. Always. Because there is no other way. There is nothing else. He is all, in all. And so, what else is there...really? He is all that is good, and all in which the world and all creation subsists, so how could it be that I would lack trust in Him? Were it not for Him, I wouldn't have breath, I wouldn't be alive (many times over).
Just, even on that front, it's not within me to be able to trust Him except that He instills that trust in me. How depraved a creature is that, truly, which can't even bring itself to trust that very source of life and sustenance and goodness and joy and peace which gladly showers all love upon it?
Seriously.
He is worthy of trust. He is worthy of all love. He is worthy of complete obedience, as it works to glorify Him by ultimately benefitting His creation in whatsoever work and fruit is yielded.
If there were anything else as to do, then it would ought be done, but there's not. There's only Him, in all things. Always.
The point of distinction whereby faith becomes a matter of division, though, is along these lines. True faith appears complete insanity to the world. Once, it worked as a stumbling-block and seemed foolishness.
Now, it seems insanity.
In my case, however, consensus that I'm insane has been a long-standing accoutrement of life, so it's not new--not a hurdle, as such, so long as I keep it in proper perspective. Moreover, now, I can rejoice in knowing any claims of that particular sort are for a completely different matter (id est, for His name's sake), as Christ wholly delivered me from the rest.
I would have died by my own hand many times over, except that the Lord prevented death. He spared me more times than is necessary to divulge--no alternate explanation for survival holds up, especially now being able to testify as a firsthand-witness that, even unto the most wretched of creatures, His grace and mercy endure forever.
So, doesn't it then make sense to give all, in all, to Him? Knowing He's the sole source of my life, and knowing that there is no life (even as I found none worth living) apart from Him?
Knowing, especially, that there's no joy, nor meaning, nor fulfillment, nor peace, nor progress, nor truth, nor love, nor hope, nor anything truly good and desirable apart from dwelling in Him?
...does it not then make sense to finally give up on doing whatsoever a person is (literally) hell-bent on doing, and giving in to Him? Then, upon giving in, realizing the peace thereby and the hope...when there had been none else, prior, excepting of fleeting mirages...yet upon realizing the joy in being with Him, what else but to then give wholeheartedly all the more toward seeking Him in all things, in all ways, always? Devotedly, to the sheer extent of one's capacity.
How would that not make sense? It's complete and total sense.
But, yet, I know there are those who would consider my stance total insanity, if I were even to be more blatantly honest at times of greater clarity. Because people have a way of explaining everything away. I know, I used to be among such a number--laughing at the idea of my then-present insanity as acceptable, yet scorning those with any religious bent as absolute reprobates...wholly oblivious to my own complete delusion.
I explored every religion which caught my eye, caught my attention, piqued my interest, all along that while of living. I sought relief from periodically near-crippling anxiety in any manifest number of secular means. I sought alleviation for the ever-present burden of an unpenetrable depression in all manner of ways which ever crossed my mind as to doggedly pursue. All, and each to no avail--each of all other paths always led to a point of redundancy, from which no further progress could be made, no further change could truly come. Not a matter of there coming a point whereby observable developments would absolutely cease, no, just that any sort of transformative, thus truly effective, progress was entirely limited to initial levels of mastery, then those particular levels were only increased in their degree of expression. Revelation was limited within a particular scope, always. Now, not so. Which would seem contradictory, given the narrowness of such a pursuit...but such is in being with One who is all.
The Lord, He transforms. And it's not even a matter of there being a perceived need for continued transformation, as there's known a need for further renewal, given the ever-present contrast to His absolute perfection...as will ever remain, so long as life-temporal persists. Just, to love Him more, to know Him more, to be more like Him...and, in desiring and striving for these, then so to love others and to do His will in all things!
Rather than becoming more of the same, as is the case through all other courses--the same as I ever was, merely honed further and further unto an exponential expression of whatsoever the essence which began first sought..."enlightenment" of one's own mind, one's own self, through self-effort...
Instead...this, with Christ, is a process of being irreconcilably, thus the more ineffably, transformed into one such as Him--the One who is and ever was and ever will be incorrupt, in all ways.
That's a vast distinction, and it lies as the core distinction between true Christianity and all other pursuits. The gospel is the core. The power unto salvation. Transformation of one's very spirit into a completely new creation.
Nothing else has the power to transform. Completely transform. Not just modify into a different conformity, as increasing varying perceived capacities for thought, understanding, and/or ability...no, but to transform.
Which is wherein one of the lies of the adversary is yet such an absurd, howbeit insidious, perturbations of the walk, many days...per the insistence that there's been no change, that there is no change...that there will be, can be no change. Such blatant lies! So easily discarded, if clearly viewed!
And yet I know others of the faith who stay somewhat hindered thereby, even as I battle the same front, myself, as to even know the depths of such malignity upon God's glorious work unto salvation!
It's like...I always took such pains to note the variest degrees of nuance in all the minutae of "progress"--checking, double-checking...doubling back, going through again to compare...then discussion for outside perspective on the process, and on and on...
...so, it's very strange, now...not...strange, per se, really...just inexplicable in ways which confound entirely... ...to still be able to kind of reflect upon the state of mind which existed prior to knowing Christ so intimately as Lord, and in having increasingly (gratefully!) come to know Him as Lord, Master, and all in all, over these past many months... ...reflect upon, yet not approach those same states of mind--they're all so foreign, now...and blessedly so--I was yet so terribly bound and stricken, and thought myself wholly free, throughout the all!
...just...even as, in so reflecting, I can thus still tell there are areas which yet linger in need of complete exposure to His sovereign hand unto fuller revelation, deliverance, and sanctification. I have to release them to Him, as He reveals them to me...areas of my heart which have been without light.
Patience has never been a forte.
I want it all finished, yesterday. I want to be completely sanctified and glorifying Him in all ways, in everything, 20 years ago. I want to be wholly devoted and completely conformed to Him and His will and working His Great Commission, many months ago.
But, again...the initial phrasing for each such statement really reveals the heart of the matter--there's need for further humility and subjugation unto His divine will, appreciation for His mastery.
Not long back, a precious sister mentioned that impatience is pride (which, ultimately, is self-idolatry).
So, yeah. That.
It's a matter of trusting Him, is all--to deliver from each and every. And in all things, in all ways, unto all ends, for all things. For everything. Relying upon Him completely, wholeheartedly, to such an extent that there's nothing else even conceived of as possibility.
Knowing that means being empowered as to pray for it.
And, you know what? ...another thing which came to mind earlier in regard to that sort of thing, as praying for blessings of the Lord, yet doing so with a fearful glance at how they may come to pass...
Yes, it has been my personal experience that praying for patience has entailed going through various trials which required patience. That is a blessing, though! Not to be ill-regarded!...nor gainsaid!
For others, perhaps there's not a need for such a trial! Just, with as ungodly, demented, and depraved as i have been...what sort of purging might ought be entailed as merely to bring my attention to the Lord? Having been effectively spiritually deaf, blind, dumb, and idiotic...naught else but the miraculous could have worked acceptance and desire and love for the Lord, in me.
Just...in my case, the miraculous also entailed numerous physical, mental, emotional, social, financial, spiritual trials which were fairly readily observable from even an outsider's perspective--and all to His glory! Some folks, though, He works differently with--there are even some who've been saved as He's appeared to them individually...personally...in dreams. And that was that, and they were converted...transformed, to His purpose, to whatsoever end He desires of them.
Really, what I'm saying here is...my problem has been that I've been caught up in thinking that I need to be careful what I pray for. There's increasingly been the whole--"this is desired beyond anything which could be hoped for, oh Lord, please!"...then immediately followed by a tremor of fear at how the particular prayer will be answered, for not knowing how God will choose to work that particular work in me, thus not knowing what will be entailed for trial and testing as to come through to that position so desired...
Which...is terrible.
Seriously.
And I'm sick of it, and I know where it comes from. Ultimately, from Satan himself. Because, if he can keep folks from realizing God's goodness and how loving God Almighty truly is (as that we would all seek the Lord so wholeheartedly as would then be our wont, if we only knew!, just to be nearer to One so glorious and wonderful and holy...!!!)...
...then, that means there's one less in the mix, doing the work of God. Because, knowing God is loving Him, and loving Him is being irrevocably changed by Him unto His image, and being changed unto His image means wholeheartedly producing whatsoever fruit and works are thereby naturally yielded...
Which is unstoppable and unpredictable and uncontrollable and immeasurable, once the process is truly begun. And yields to all manner of bounteous and unforeseeable wonders to His glory...
Because not only is God good. God's also completely sovereign, yo.
You can't stop the Creator of the universe, when He wills something. Just not possible.
Period.
For even as He doesn't force nor coerce us to know Him, neither will He be either coerced or forced on any count. Ever.
Yet He does answer prayers. Faithfully. Mercifully. With great grace and love and goodness. Sovereignly does He so choose and stoop to do so, when as in accordance with His will, to His glory.
Because He is good.
Yet He doesn't force goodness upon us. Just look at the state of the world, of society, to be able to realize how well we've done in historically refusing to seek and accept His goodness...in how horrid various states of affairs yet are is evidenced the chasm which exists between worldwide reliance upon God and our own attempts to reign in His (inexpressibly, infinitely superior) stead.
But, even still, He yet makes for the sun to rise and for the seasons to change and, largely, for us to be capable of doing "well" howsoever as we will. Unfathomable goodness, that He would do such a thing, with as depraved as we are (many don't even acknowledge Him! and others even mock His name!).
But this other, then, of devious designs to detract and distract and distance...
...even whereof there was warning given to me by multiple people when I initially became set to the Lord... ...people tried to warn me... ...warn me...
Does that not strike you as exceedingly perverse?
They tried to warn me against seeking the Lord!?!
I mean, I don't know about how your Bible reads, but mine has that as pretty much the base underlying theme all throughout, from beginning to end: Fellowship with the Lord...seek the Lord...seek to commune with the Lord...go to Him for all things...seek Him first...require Him...seek the Lord..
And, again, I don't know about you, but I kinda'-sorta' take seriously the stuff that absolutely impacts me beyond comprehension, especially as read within that such Holy Tome. And that message has.
Seriously.
So, after the fact of already having declared myself as seeking the Lord...
Period. Nothing else.
Just seeking the Lord.
And, literally, nothing else.
...after the fact of that, I started getting warnings.
Up to which point, it had been the furthest thing from my mind to even be remotely concerned about whatsoever would come of commitment and ardently unbending passion to seek, find, and know the Lord, at any cost...except just to know that it was possible, thus it was and is the only thing worth anything in this life, so there's nothing whatsoever which is going to keep me from going on and doing so, for so long as the Lord allows me to continue to live and glory in increased measure of His presence and knowledge of His wonderful person and in working of His will!
So, yeah.
Warnings.
I don't even remember where the first one came from. Probably church. Yeah, I think so. The first and the second warnings (and others, past the third) were in a church, during the sermons.
I mean, seriously. That... Okay, whatever.
The third warning is the one that rattled me. In August. I called someone who had been considered a mentor, of sorts, whom I'd not spoken with since a visit in May to touch base.
For context, he's one who lead a group in college which was involved in quasi-political, national debating, in which I took part. He makes a point of counseling college kids who are out of sorts. He attends church. And there are various other things which aren't necessary to note, so much as these, and that we'd had conversation about the Lord during my visit in May. Given which, I'd assumed he would be happy to know I'd increasingly come to a point of abject devotion unto life.
However, I'd completely forgotten his penchant for "playing" devil's advocate (horrible, horrible thing, which I don't entirely understand...largely because I'm still so utterly revolted at how much it used to utterly transfix me, so to do)...
The moment I told him my present course, and all intents and purposes...
>>>"Well, you know this means..."
...that I'm now a prime target for satanic attack, and he even went on to briefly expound upon the sheer impossibility of my desired course, and at how it would be so much better for me to just let things be, that I didn't have to go all out...and it would be okay, would be better not to...
...
I mean, seriously.
How..
That just...
I was momentarily, entirely speechless. And, when it's someone I know well, that's fairly an impossibility!
Just...the audacity!
I mean, half a year prior to this conversation with this particular fellow, I'd contacted him about a completely opposite, then-immediate course being seriously considered for pursuit: I'd received an offer to trek the desert in Texas with an acquaintance...then, to hitchhike howsoever far was decided else.
I was/am in the position to be able to do such a thing. Which, prior to moving from New Orleans to WV, was the major alternate temptation for pursuit--just let everything go, and travel the country by train, as did a handful of the folks I'd known in the Quarter.
An absolutely rock-bottom, bare-bones, hand-to-mouth existence, beyond anything which is generally known in this country. But, they called it freedom, and it called to me. Briefly dating one such fellow prior to making any decisions, he told me stories of the serious trouble he'd had with folks on the trains--him 6'4", built like a linebacker. But I wasn't about to travel with him, yet had no one else to travel with. So, WV, it was. College. Family.
Rather than ignominy and fair-certain death...and, oh, having to daily confront complete uncertainty.
But, yeah, having given up on that temptation, then--largely for not having anyone knowledgeable and trustworthy to travel with... ...then with job gone from January (complete mental breakdown thereby), uncertainty on all fronts (despite having realized that God's way was the only way, still hadn't given up on trying to make my own plans), and fellow asking if I wanted to join him in his travels...? ...oh, the temptation!
I was well over half-decided to go, before even writing to said "mentor" and another fellow considered a likewise "mentor."
The first of which responded, basically, that I needed do as my heart willed. Find fulfillment. Just take care. (Really, they both basically said that.)
Which--well and good, as his input wasn't really intended to either make or break the case, so much as desired for any particular further insight which might be proferred. Which...same, in many ways, as in August.
Just...I'm well aware, again, of what my penchant for all things had been at the time of considering that venture into the desert and cross-country. It would have, again, meant fair-certain death. Not knowing when or exactly how, but knowing it pretty much a short-term certainty, were that course to have been taken.
Needless to say, I ended up refraining, the Lord has saved me, and I'm no longer (literally) hell-bent on discerning new and more efficacious, creative routes unto overt self-destruction. No. Now, I'm constrained by the love of Christ, and I want to glorify Him with my life and with whatsoever death He wills me, should I die before His return. (Hallelujah!!!)
Point being, though: ...of the mentor--he bid me well on a course that would have damned my soul to hell and made it a very quick trip there, but when I then spoke to him about having come to devote my life to Christ in such a way that there's no conceivable alternative but to seek Him first in all things, in all ways...he told me (point-blank) not to do it, and then told me "why."
(My response was fairly brief--entirely Spirit-led. It completely acknowledged that there's nothing in me which will do anything, that I trust the Lord to get me through whatsoever any-thing which may come, as His grace is sufficient to all things.
I basically got an "..oh, really? Well..we'll see," in response.)
All that, then hearing it in church again and again, how..."now, you know, when you do start really following the Lord, the devil will attack you"...sorta' stuff, again, and again, and again...and in the testimonies of people, too...
...in such ways as gave precedence to the devil, rather than to the sovereignty of Christ?!?
It did all color my vision, and I didn't even realize, until now.
As bad as it's been...so bad...! ...I'd listened to them to the extent that it had distanced my heart from the Lord, to a degree which allowed this truly depraved, blasphemous, horrendous misinterpretation to manifest in regard to His good will, as that I'd started to look at things as though I needed to be careful in how I pray.
And not "careful" in the sense that the Lord God is awesome and to be reverentially feared and respected with all due honor... ...but "careful" in the sense that, if I wasn't careful about what I asked for, I might end up getting burned.
That...is complete blasphemy. Seriously.
And it's rampant. (Seriously.)
Even last week, heard the same sentiment shared in the hushed tones of a rather fearful aside, hastily interjected upon someone's mention of their need to pray for patience.. ..upon which point, many then also joined in assent at the need to be careful of praying for such things. Self included! Guilty... guilty
Wow. Lord, I am so sorry.
That is terrible.
It's been bothering me all week--and even then, and I didn't understand why. Now, I do. I am so...oh..
No more.
The realization came earlier that the whole is akin to viewing the Lord God as
like unto such a terrible, terrible abomination which
is of the older stories of jinn.
Seriously.
And that is apparently the modern Christian's conception of God, in so many ways, because evidences of that sort of perceived need to proceed carefully in approaching Him with prayer...abound--pastors, laity...again, I've been so guilty, myself...wondering at the conviction, not understanding (even as i know there are those who aren't as this, many are, and we have to stop..we must pray for one another!)
Can we just think about how utterly horrendous that is, for just a moment, though...really?
God is good. Period.
Beyond comprehension, ineffably good.
I don't even want to write about this, but it need be elucidated at least for my own sake as to realize the sheer terror and horrendously grievous nature of this, so as to more fully refrain, evermore..
Thinking of Him, the Lord...
...in terms of approaching prayer as though whatsoever comes will ultimately entail fearful suffering or destruction--as like with the occult story, "the monkey's paw"...?
That's just...
and
...djinn are demons. Period.
So... Thinking of God as being in any way, shape, or form...akin, even remotely in His essence or nature, to any of all that?!?, in regard especially as to how He answers our prayers...???
Oh, that's just so far beyond horrible it's warrants immediate condemnation, really. Yet He's suffered me to live, and so many others, too. Such grace...! ...and mercy!, to forgive such a thing!: For to confess and ask forgiveness, is to be forgiven!
And that is wherein not trusting Him is so much an abomination! Precisely thereby! Therein! Thereupon!
I am just so, so grateful that He's allowed me to see this horrendously grievous flaw which has crept in and overcome my regard for Him...for One who is so flawless and blameless and perfect in His absolute goodness, righteousness, and love!
Tragic, so tragic! That even those of us who are His can labor under such cruel delusions! And they be spread between us each, even within the church!
So, no...no--people need to know who the Lord is. We need to know who God is. What His nature is, and truly understand that (insomuch as is even possible!).
THAT is the answer.
Knowing Him is loving Him, even as it's trusting Him in all things.
I pray that He guides each of us into a deeper knowledge of Him and His loving-kindness, so as that we can increasingly please Him by our faith, in our correspondingly increased conformity to His will, and in the resulting glorification which He does work to Himself through us each, thereby.
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