Resolving distinctions.

This is all so different. There's still that voice of doubt which tries to overwhelm faith--nowhere near as loud, nor as persistent...actually losing strength, continually fading evermore into silence... ...that voice is still there, to a degree. But, yeah--in a quiet way, comparatively.

Something will happen, and that voice will try to assert itself in some capacity. But there's peace which overwhelms.

So, even as the temptation to doubt is still there...given the voice of doubt still attempts to take precedence...there's not the inclination.

Still, I'll pick at things. There've been a couple of points which caught attention, this past week, yet without dire consequences. Followed so far, but not to an extent which entailed abandonment of reason.

For instance, one fear which the Lord has further quelled this week regards still the stance which was once so violently maintained. There had been such a fear that immersing myself into any further learning regarding scientific or medical or social progress would be to yield into prior aspects of abominable thought. Completely absurd. Same as that merely studying Christianity isn't sufficient for someone to be saved.

Just...all things in their proper order. And Christ is supreme. Period.

Moreover, these past many months that fear has been very much tainting so much of what's been rallied for or against, in terms of thought and study. But fear is never well-placed, in regard to worldly matters.

The call to defend the faith is one which has very much persisted, and there's been this ongoing fear nipping at the edges of my consciousness in regard to feeling completely incapable. Wholly incapable.

So, rather than acknowledging that (mostly per being largely unaware), I tried to rationalize why theology wasn't necessary. I've tried to rationalize all the many things. Doctrine. Theology. Church attendance. Socialization. Fellowship. Marriage. Family. ...everything.

Rather than trusting the Lord. Rather than just following Him.

So strange, really, that even when you're not aware of movement, it's still possible to become staunchly opposed to the experience...to rail against it.

 The main thing is...I don't know what He has for me. I have no idea what the work is. Or whether it's going to take me anywhere aside of where He has me, now.

Being fulfilled in doing the seemingly mundane is a necessity and a major blessing, though. I've been taking it far too much for granted. In my attempt to rationalize and conceive of what might be in progress or in store, so much has been compromised and overlooked and needlessly complicated.

Seriously. And that all has yielded into bits and pieces of frustration, fairly evident time and again, I know. And I'm exceedingly humbled into gratitude for those whom I've interacted with--those brothers and sisters in Christ--along this while, and surely to continue...who've borne the brunt of that frustration, even if seemingly "mildly" outlaid...for, they've none been harsh in rebuking. But gently.

I've been struggling so much, these past few months, with reconciling myself to an acceptance of the cause of apologetics, moreover. Which is horrible to note, now. The Lord uses whatsoever He wills, and for me to question any degree, any venue, any dialogue...which He has and does use to bring people to a saving knowledge of His love, sacrifice, and redemption? It's terrible.

Just...it doesn't have to be "either"/"or." There really can completely be both, and all. I don't know what all the Lord has going on, and it's ludicrous to try to comprehend the all of His workings. He can and does use everything to good, for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. Everything.

And there are a lot of folks who are necessarily going to be far more equipped for and advanced by the study of apologetics or systematic theology than would be suited to going about things in quite the open-ended manner which mine has been, thus far.

It comes to mind that there are seasons. So, even as things have been as they have, there's still other to come and differentiation beyond present means to conceive.

That was kind of a big thing, though, this week--having that fear finally quelled into submission...the voice of doubt further silenced. Just, when everything comes down to the line, there are only two courses--belief or unbelief. God is who He says He is, and either I believe it or I don't. And I do believe Him. So, why continue trying to build boxes for things which don't need to be hemmed in?

There's just so much fear-mongering in the world, as it is--even less needful for those of us who are the Lord's, then, to walk that line. He said nothing could snatch us from His hand, and He is faithful and true. So, the course is then to believe Him...knowing He meant what He said.

And maybe there will come times where I'll do some serious, abject research into some of the details which have so fascinated me, in regard to the history of the Lord's nation, in regard to Him, and in regard to the history of the church. Because, thus far, I've only really read summations of such bouts of research as compiled by others. Which...that's generally been the beginning for socio-historic-type research, regardless--survey the field for summaries of findings, gauging for adequate primary sources and for directions in which to begin looking.

Josephus. Eusebius. And whoever else.

I take the Lord's word, first. Over and above all. Just, maybe what that means for everyone can be construed through varying assorted means and methods of interpretation wholly suited to the individual. Just as it has utterly perplexed me, recently, to hear of someone contemporary with Jonathan Edwards who was a well-known church leader and a staunch opponent of belief in the supernatural.

I can't conceive of that. Not only given experience, but just in terms of comprehending the Bible. But, then, perhaps it's a matter of interpretation is all. Perhaps that fellows interpretation of "supernatural" entirely contradicts my own. Whereas mine is more literal, in terms of the word itself--conceiving of the super-natural as anything which exceeds strictly natural (i.e., wholly logical or empirical) means of discovery, detection, observation, experience, comprehension, and manipulation...maybe that fellows conception of "supernatural" just describes something existent beyond one's ability to experience directly in some capacity both meaningful and rational.

Which, if so...man has never fallen short in the way of finding ways to rationalize even the most transcendent matters. Perhaps not aptly, nor correctly done...perhaps.. ...but, that's never stopped us from proceeding. Still, just, taking that in mind...if that were the fellow's conception, then it would be oddly possible to have a very open, yet distant acceptance of the all of the Bible as not being supernatural in the least. Because, if nothing else--even if man's attempt to rationalize weren't entailed whatsoever--God is rational, and has reasons for all which He does. His ways and thoughts are higher than ours, yet they are assuredly there behind every single going in the universe.

So, according to seeing God as wholly natural, then there is no call to consider anything supernatural. Period.

Which is wherein, again, it all just comes back to differences in interpretation of a single word.

An epiphany on that count, a couple years ago, completely changed my approach to considering how to talk to people about going to church (yes, that was prior to my conversion--I was a regular church-attender...but also a regular bar patron...and Jesus soooo wasn't "Lord" in my life...I just believed He was who He said He was, but didn't know Him, yet knew a desire to talk to folks about church whenever they were willing). Talking with someone about religion, something seemingly minor yet wholly pivotal just clicked--the very way the word "religion" was said by the person evidenced all sorts of unexpected shades of meaning, per tone and body language, which weren't even nearly on the radar in my own comprehension of the word. Religion was viewed as equating to a political entity, thus something cold and unfeeling and entirely remote and undesirable, for being distant and condescending. Whereas,  I was in the throes of a border-line "spiritual, but not religious" stage of seeking Christ which had completely reshaped the way I conceived of religion, as something enlightening, desirable, and up-lifting.

Same as...you could randomly walk up to various people and say, "I need a book," yet every single person you say that to would have a completely different thing come to mind--many of which such thoughts would likely not even be in relation to the idea of "book," so much as in response to who or what they perceive you or your question to be, in context of their own conception of the world...even subconsciously done.

Point being--we're all coming from completely different places. We've all had completely different experiences, so despite perhaps vast similarities, those differences are going to have shaped our comprehension of the world to exceedingly varied degrees. Incomprehensibly so, given a persistent assumption that others are either more alike or different from us than is ever truly the case.

Each of us is, nonetheless, wholly supported by grace as to even be alive. Just, as we've all come through such different things, each relationship with the Lord will be different--same as the differences between each son and daughter's relationship with an earthly father. To come into that relationship, then, each of us will be drawn from some different approach also, being led perhaps by different means into different functional, experiential knowledge of Him. (Even as Jude spoke of some being saved through compassion, and others through fear.)

Christ is always the central figure, is the main thing, though. The Gospel of all which He is, of salvation, of repentance, of His death and resurrection and reign as sovereign King of Kings, as God the Son...all of that is, of course, the same. Because He is always the same. So the Gospel has to be. Christ is our only way to know the Father. He's our only way to the spiritual rebirth which makes possible a direct relationship with the one true, living God of all creation.

We're each somewhat shades of different, is all. He's infinite, though...all encompassing. Each of us receives gifts according to our calling in the body, it would seem. Perhaps He prepares us each for our own distinct ministry, according to our prior tendencies--our most shameful, debasing acts and prior predilections...He so gloriously delivers us from that we can proclaim His goodness to those still mired, still trapped...being able to approach with compassion those who were once bound as we were bound, and approach with the good news of who Christ is and the blessedly good news of what that means for sinners who are yet lost, as He has delivered us so graciously and mercifully..

...speaking with one of my blessed sisters in Christ a couple weeks ago, that came to mind while we were discussing Hebrews, of how Jesus is able to completely come to our aid in any situation, as He was tempted in all ways while on earth. That, as we're each pressing on to be conformed fully into His image, perhaps that's one way in which He is set to glorify Himself in each of us--as we were delivered from temptations dire and deadly, from bondage which kept us in shame unto death...then we can each have a greater degree of empathy for those yet bound, as to minister to them in Christ's name, bringing the Gospel as a firsthand witness to the Lord's saving grace and power.

I just need to be more focused on His pre-eminence and complete self-sufficiency...above and beyond any details which might take up focus for a moment at a time, is all. Because those details are merely details. He is all, in all. Meaning that no matter what's learned, no matter what's sought, so long as it's pursued with Him as the focal point...

...and, then, that's all that matters.

Rather than being tempted into some emotional blustering over the indignity of offense or absurdity or whatsoever other nonsense tempts to become undone.

Last week, one point a pastor made in regard to 1 Thess. 4:13 was in terms of the emotional response which the congregation was engaged in...that it had perhaps crossed the line into sinfulness. As, emotion in itself is God-given and well, but that when emotion is indulged through blatant ignorance of something we should know of the Lord, in flagrant disobedience of the Lord's commands, or as outright rebellion against what we do know of the Lord, then it's become sin. They were grieving-- somewhat in refutation of the goodness of God, as not grieving the actual loss of their friends, but grieving a perceived loss to their friend's later experience of the Lord. So, they'd kind of made up something to grieve, rather than resting in the Lord, was the thing....they were sorrowing "as others which have no hope."

The anxiety that overcomes me when I end up traipsing into certain intellectual terrain, these days...is precisely that sort of mental abnegation of my trust in the Lord. He is sovereign, He is sufficient, and He is faithful. So, there's no call for anxiety in terms of anything which allows me to further seek Him and seek means by which to approach His Commission. So, rather than any further anxiety...repentance and further surrender are in order. I'm grateful just to realize that, because as realized by grace, so accomplished by grace. Ever onward, to the mark.

God bless you all.