Through the Mirror.

So, the past week has been completely revelatory.

I have to give the glory to God, for all which has happened. None of it's me. For goodness sake, I'm still struggling not to freak out in the middle of a CVS for being unable to gain immediate access to a bathroom! I am not capable, on my own.

Mercifully, the past week has allowed for much time praying and studying. Reading the Bible. Reading works by or about spiritual leaders--those who have anointed ministries, like Kuhlman, Hagin, Hinn, and (passingly still) Wigglesworth.

Seeking the face or form of God, in all. Speaking with Jesus. Yeshua.

And, with the Holy Spirit. Ruach Elohim.

And just reveling in the Presence, through it all. There's been so much to learn, and so many things taught.

Three times last week, I had pastors lay hands and pray for my baptism in the Spirit. After having prayed to God for it, myself, for however long it's been.

Three different churches I regularly attend.

Slain in the Spirit, taken with Holy Laughter, on the first and third night. The second night, I was told it would likely "hit me" in about 15 minutes. And I just went on my way, driving and praising and praying. And, sure enough...I had a revelation, that night.

And was struck with tears of gratitude, immediately followed (coexisting with) Holy Laughter. Needless to say, I had to pull over for a bit. Much praying.

But, yeah--Wednesday was like receiving approval, for a moment. Just felt like I was being smiled upon, and felt so full of just overwhelming joy--I couldn't keep it from spilling out. And I felt so very, very complete. Just full. Wholly satisfied and humbled. Stricken from moving for a bit, was awesome to rest in the Lord.

Thursday, I still wasn't sure...because I hadn't spoken in tongues, the New Testament sign of being Baptized in the Spirit. So, given an opportunity to discuss some things with the pastor and his wife, I told him I had been researching the occurrence. He asked me if I wanted it, I said yes, and he immediately laid hands on my head and prayed for it. To which his wife told me about the time-thing.

Friday, I attended a revival night at my Dad's church. And went for prayer, telling them I wanted the Baptism in the Spirit (still hadn't spoken in tongues, after all). They laid hands and prayed. Then, after a while, one of the elders told me to hold hands with a particular parishioner as they laid hands and prayed again. Slain again, laughter. After all of which, the elder who had the "special directions" told me that I shouldn't let doubt claim my experience. So, yeah.

Either laughter is my heavenly language, or something else is going on with that.

Either way, really not pertinent to present development, otherwise I'd know.

I've had three revelations since Wednesday.

Thursday night, prior to being taken with the Spirit, I was talking to Jesus about all the things which have been going on, and just thanking him. And, suddenly, I realized that all the recent things I'd been praying for had been answered in ways completely unexpected and beyond my hopes.

I was just so overcome with the magnitude of how thoroughly and inexplicably my needs had been fulfilled, so overcome with absolute gratitude, so humbled by the depth of the provisions...I wept wholeheartedly. Praising wholeheartedly. And the tears merged with an overwhelming joy which just bubbled up within me, to laughter.

Saturday night came the second revelation, while reading a Kenneth Hagin mini-book gifted from the pastor on Thursday night.

Maybe it is the preliminary bit of discerning of spirits, spoken of, as read. I really don't know yet.

All I know is that I was suddenly stricken with a blatant and mind-altering realization of the depth of truth to the texts I was reading. And of the vast difference between the clarity of this abject truth, as opposed to the vague fugue which generally perpetuates within the whole of the world. In general, people have absolutely no idea what's going on.

I still known next to nothing, basically. But I've seen the Truth, and it has set me free. It has.

Seriously, though. It's just completely mind-boggling to me--all the many things which we of Christian faith study and purport to believe, and yet, for the most part...it's no more substantial to us than a bus route pamphlet. ...which, yeah--sure, you can totally pick one of those up to carry around with you as to be able to navigate a city in a timely and efficient fashion. Can totally come in handy. Or, even just read the signs or ask folks as you walk around. But, it's no more than an idea, in that capacity. And the bus is only a vehicle from one stop to the next.

That's what Christianity is to most folks. A vehicle to get from one stop to the next. And the tenets thereof are of no more vitality, in general, than a corresponding bus map.

BUT THERE IS SOOOOO MUCH MORE>

Seriously.

It's all true. And--yeah, maybe some of it is metaphorical, as it was written. I don't personally know. And, really, that's not as relevant as is the fact that the whole of the underpinnings are quite accurately represented.

You know...the whole deal about what basically (in more modern terms:) equates to a parallel dimension which overlaps yet generally remains undetected, wherein spiritual beings are manifest and run rampant to varying designs.

Oh, you know. Satan. That whole deal? All the many demons all over the place? Yeah. Everywhere.

EVERYWHERE.

Worse than fleas, really.
Or maybe ticks. Fleas are an uber-nuisance, but they don't generally burrow in as much.

Or, maybe...maybe powers are like fleas, principalities are like ticks, are rulers of the darkness of this world are like spiders. Only, you know...fleas, ticks, and spiders have a higher purpose of sorts, in the food chain.

Any which, that's something I've got to spend some serious prayer on, because I really don't understand the deal with them.

Okay, so it all started with Lucifer going more or less AWOL from sensibility. He was, like, some sort of precursor to humankind, in some capacity...as to be capable of even having emotions as to begin to feel pride and ultimately rebellion?

I'd really like to see some scripture on that bit. Seriously.

So, I guess he just went on a full-scale attempt at mutiny?

I'm just having a hard time envisioning why someone would, with full knowledge, turn away from God. Why all the many would do that.

Anyway...

But, yeah. It's real.

Completely real. And, for the most part, we're all just in the middle of all the many things without any awareness of what's going on around and within us. Seriously.

Which, tonight, I was listening to a sermon series by Hagin and afterwards had a third revelation which follows the last precisely. Folks have absolutely NO IDEA what's coming. None. Zip. Nada.

Not only are we blind to what and who and where we are, but we don't see the gaping hole ahead which we're running full steam toward, lemming-style.

There is only one way to avoid it, and it's supernatural. Spiritual.
Only the Word is sharp and quick enough as to cease such a thing.

ONLY the Word. Id est, the Son of God. AKA Jesus.

Dude is seriously on-point. And cares more than anyone could even begin to imagine.
Wants desperately to help us, but we won't listen.

Kinda the equivalent of someone inside a burning building fighting off the fireman who's attempting to rescue...only worse, in that we spit in his face and yelled at Him to get Him to leave us alone. So, He's waiting for us to take His hand. Desperately pained for us.

And we just stare into the flames, bemoan the increasing pain, and claim that we don't believe there's such a thing as a house. Let alone fire. So what in the world is a fireman??? And what was that force that just tried to get us to move off the couch? No way.

No more of that. Seriously. If you only knew. So many cultures conceived glimpses, in visions, and worshipped the visions. The entities constrained by physical observations. And the misdirected thoughts which came diluted by way of the dark ones.

So Many Things...

Today was difficult.

The culmination of a week and a half's worth of slipping out of joint, but still difficult. I didn't know when or how things would go, but knew of some likely developments--I knew the relative probability of a couple of potential paths things could have taken. And this was one, even if I didn't have any idea of exactly how things would play out. I just knew there was a decent possibility that I would start to fall out of step with the absolute base necessities of my survival, as a matter of course, if those I was around the most weren't in some fashion keeping step alongside my path to progress.

Because I'm really not strong in this. Like what-with Romans and Corinthians, I'm one of the ones that "don't eat meat." (Only I DO eat meat--just not a lot of other stuff.) There are a LOT of things which are stumbling blocks to me. A LOT.

And being around some of the things which are most insidious, nearly day-in, day-out, for the past month? Yeah. That hasn't gone very well.

For instance--I can't do television.

Period.

Just being in the same room as a TV that's turned on completely alters my ability to focus and process. It derails me in such a way that I end up shutting down. Shutting down is fairly quickly followed by a nervous breakdown, as it goes.

Within a couple weeks, at least.

Unless I get away from the influence.

Most folks--tv is no problem, whatsoever. Didn't bother me in the past, even.

But, yeah--no. Increasingly severe mood swings, over course of the past week. Culminating in difficulty sleeping, compounded by a resulting 24-hour migraine which fairly necessitated simultaneous bed-rest (read: 24-hours in bed), then awakening to physically expressed symptoms of panic, today.

Yeah.

I knew it was a possibility that things might take this course. But, that's why things have been so touch-and-go, or tentative. The idea of living with them has and has always had merit. I love them. They love me. I love being with them, and having opportunity to interact with my nieces at all hours.

But complications arise when considering the mental state I'd been in at the beginning of the year, the mental state I'd been in prior to that (and for the years preceding), and the fine line it's been to maintain deliverance from these things.

As to that last--don't get me wrong, it's not that God makes it difficult to be delivered. Not at all.

My nature makes it difficult--I have to struggle against the compulsion to wallow in misery. I have to offer a sacrifice of praise, even on the days when I feel like lashing out at everything around me...and not for just a minute or two, no--until the sense of oppressive irritability is obliterated.

So, I'm my own worst enemy on that count. How much more difficult, then, when it's ALREADY a struggle for me to overcome my own tendencies, and then to be daily confronted with things that are absolutely toxic to my ability to function?

If there were any way for me to pray it away, it would've already been gone. But...seems that some things are meant to be thorns in our side. To keep us closer to God, from what Paul said.

Best I can figure, anyway.

I all but had a nice bit of a meltdown today, though. Same as Tuesday, although I got some time away that evening--made the difference.

Living full-time in that mentality would be a quick death, though. I have things I need to do, so it's not an option. Seeing the end result as what it is and knowing there are things I have to do...means I had to get out. Not that I won't still be visiting, yeah. With regularity.

But I cannot be drawn in, to the point that I'm utterly consumed.

We all have our own paths to take, even as they'll each necessarily be narrow, to salvation. The circumstances which make me completely break down, someone else would likely consider absolute paradise in which to thrive.

I know that. I know it's not the circumstances, really, so much as it is how they affect me, personally. Or, rather, what they bring forth in me.

Without there being a united front battling against those things which seek to overwhelm, my only recourse is to exist somewhat apart.

Not for a lack of love, so much as for an abundance of one. I refuse to let myself be cut out as a part of the good, so easily. No. I refuse to let myself get to the point where I'm no longer capable of being a point of light.

To do so would be to the detriment of myself and anyone to meet or encounter me. Which, if it were for my sake alone--what would it ultimately matter? But it's not. 

I'm finally getting to the point where I really don't give a hoot whether folks think it's completely insane. Faith is personal.

By the grace of God, I'm alive, having died multiple times. And I don't take that lightly. Rather, I finally take it seriously.

I can't hand anyone else faith, though, or belief. No matter how much I wish I could. It's just too personal.

I can remember the moment I first realized I believed, though--when I first measured faith. No idea how old I was, but young. Pre-teen. Pre-adolescent, most likely. In a church, alone. Just thinking about things.

Wondering about the existence of God. And I got bold for a second. And just asked Him, "God, if you're real, move..."something in front of me...something which wouldn't otherwise move.

Instead, a thought came to me:

"...if I'm[God's] not real, who are you asking?"

So, rather than seeing anything move, I just got this really strong conviction which humbled me utterly--the sense in which the thought struck was really what was so much more convincing than the thought, itself. I think. Or maybe in conjunction.

It completely freaked me out, either way.

...

Maybe I can sleep now. I'm going to try.

Missing the munchkins, but gotta be what it is.