My Utmost, Nov 30

By The Grace Of God I Am What I Am

His grace which was bestowed upon me was not in vain. — 1 Corinthians 15:10 The way we continually talk about our own inability is an insult to the Creator. The deploring of our own incompetence is a slander against God for having overlooked us. Get into the habit of examining in the sight of God the things that sound humble before men, and you will be amazed at how staggeringly impertinent they are. “Oh, I shouldn’t like to say I am sanctified; I’m not a saint.” Say that before God; and it means – “No, Lord, it is impossible for You to save and sanctify me; there are chances I have not had; so many imperfections in my brain and body; no, Lord, it isn’t possible.” That may sound wonderfully humble before men, but before God it is an attitude of defiance. Again, the things that sound humble before God may sound the opposite before men. To say – “Thank God, I know I am saved and sanctified,” is in the sight of God the acme of humility, it means you have so completely abandoned yourself to God that you know He is true. Never bother your head as to whether what you say sounds humble before men or not, but always be humble before God, and let Him be all in all. There is only one relationship that matters, and that is your personal relationship to a personal Redeemer and Lord. Let everything else go, but maintain that at all costs, and God will fulfil His purpose through your life. One individual life may be of priceless value to God’s purposes, and yours may be that life.

Each individual life, though. Yet not in such a way as esteems self, apart from His work in and through us.

He empowers. He molds. He shapes. He gives hearts to serve Him, out of love and desiring obedience. He conforms, transforms, and delivers. And allows the privilege of yet choosing His will.

I don't understand the symbiotic nature of this all. But it's definitely something of conjoined effort. Perhaps looking to the matters He's ordained as representative types of how this all works might give a clearer picture. Yet...we've so degraded ordained order.

John 14:2-3 records that He said:

In My Father’s house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and welcome you into My presence, so that you also may be where I am.

That's something of Jewish marriage tradition, from what bits have been traipsed through over the past year. Was very intrigued by an entire sermon devoted to the custom of the day, much earlier in the year--so vastly different from our current traditions. There's departure from the betrothed, as the bridegroom goes to make an addition to his Father's house. She waits in anticipation of his return, not having any clue when it'll be. Preparing herself, nonetheless, while he goes and prepares the addition to his family's house, then to bring her to be with them. And there's a grand and elaborate celebration, at his return, before he takes her from her family's house to his own, thereafter to live.

How it accords with mention in Genesis is a slightly deeper consideration of relation rather than custom, perhaps. And yet our Bridegroom, Himself, has made it known He will bring us to be where He is. Returning for us.

He endured and paid a high price, to prepare us for eternal communion with Himself. And He will come back--He's promised.

So, yeah...it's definitely not good to undermine Him by verbally contradicting what He's said to be His work in us, unto us.

Songs: Let It Be Jesus, Spirit

...consistently, an anthem.

...continually, a prayer.

Much love to you all, in Christ.
Grace and peace.

May He draw and keep You near, today--lavish His love upon You. 

Guarding your thought, instructing and molding your heart.
Guiding your hands, giving you words of loving truth and grace to speak.

He is so good. So intimately involved with us, whom He loves.
His love is beyond compare. 

That the Light Would Shine In

Just given to ponder the bits where Paul discussed giving individuals over to darkness, so that the flesh might be destroyed--even unto their salvation. That's not a lighthearted matter, by any means.

Obviously, but...yeah..

It was a thing. So, it is.

I was reminded that the Lord allowed me to wander, for a while. And reminded of how near (and far into) death things went, before I turned back to seeking Jesus, away from defiance and despising.

He gives us over to delusion, when we exalt our own desires and understanding above Him.

When there comes a point of such willful defiance that external attempt to restrain from harming oneself is blatantly scorned and despised, what else is there to do?

And, yeah, there's a definite difference between rebellion borne out of neglect, even striving to prompt involvement...and between a rebellion that refuses to acknowledge or heed the constant admonition and continual loving attention of One who never wavers in intimate involvement and concern.

Vast difference, there.

With the former, further retracting from involvement only effectively formalizes the prior neglect.

With the latter, retraction is apparently out of desire to allow the consequences of defiance to have fuller expression unto prompting awakening to truth.

Of the latter, what parent wouldn't grieve to withdraw protection?

But when willful neglect of erstwhile sound and true guidance has even entailed actively and blatantly acting against good will--even harming the dejected, downcast, and oppressed--when part of ever-prior explicit directions require especially protecting and defending the least of these among us?

He allows the choice.
As, "They may have what they will."
Doesn't mean it's not grieved.

I'd never been prevented praying for anyone, before.
A gut-wrenching, grievous, shocking thing.

Heartbreaking.

How much moreso, for Him?

He will guard, shield, and protect those who are His. He loves us. He humbled Himself unto flesh and bore our penalty, to redeem us into His love, even per His love.

But those who actively defy Him, while otherwise proclaiming Him? Hurting and despising and shaming and attacking the ones they were given to protect?
What a fearful thing, then, to fall into the hands of a living God.

Oh, that the truth would come out, undeniably!...beyond all possibility of plausible deniability. Beyond all possibility of discounting or subtle countermanding.
Beyond contradiction, entirely. Entirely undeniable and irreducible.

We so rarely have any idea what we're doing, even gladly pursuing the minutiae given to constitute our involvement in His work--at home, amongst the world, and abroad. But to contradict and despise His heartfelt, express expectations...blatantly, to His face?

Lord, have Your way.
Make Your case.
Deliver us from evil.

Have Your way, Lord.

You don't take lightly the oppression of those who are precious to You.
And You are the ultimate authority.

Spiritual darkness is no small matter. Being given entirely over to the spirit which otherwise has been holding court is even more dire, now.

He had been pleading with them, though. Entreating. Chastising.

Rebuking openly, quite frankly. Matters made formal had ought been sufficient rebuke, given in addition to Scripture as a present, living testament of truth made blatantly manifest regarding circumstances. Even as to correct and admonish from oppression.

Rather, there's been further oppression. Further giving over to evil, per refusal to heed His will.

Such darkness.

So, Lord, Your will be done.
Protect, guard, and guide Your beloved bride very closely, as is Your wont.
Hold back the darkness. Further break its hold. Make it known for what it is.

Break its hold, Lord. Let Your love reign, Father.
In our hearts and minds and souls. Let the light of Your love become so bright even shadows flee in terror.

Secure our steps and guide our speech, Lord.
And provide people to assist who are led by Your will.

Jesus...soothe hearts, heal minds.

You have made it known that You will rescue the needy when they cry for help.
And also the abused and neglected, and those who have no helper.
Jesus, You have compassion on the poor and needy, You save their lives.
You redeem their lives from oppression and fraud and violence. You count their very present lives as utterly precious to You, beloved in Your sight.

So, Help, Lord. To Your glory.

Bring reinforcements, Lord. Send in reinforcements.
Even as You have done, Lord, yet let ordered steps proceed unto deliverance.
Ordered by Your Spirit. Directed by Your good will.

Father, let it be enough. Please. Just let what's been already be enough.
Let this be done. Let it be finished, even in the here and now.

Not my will, though, Lord. Let Yours be done.
I know You are able. The darkness flees at Your Presence. It must.
Nothing can stand against You.

And there is nothing and no one, apart from You, to defend.
So, Jesus, intervene--drive away the waterless clouds, the wild waves foaming up their own shame.

Your Spirit does come in like a flood when the enemy attempts to overwhelm, You do drive out the enemy. So, drive them out, Lord. Please.

The words of the whisperer have been feasted upon like dainty morsels, feeding the darkness. And it's written that although hatred may be cloaked in guile, his wickedness will be revealed before the assembly. And also that the very pit been dug will be fallen into, and the stone rolled uphill will fall upon those who endeavour thusly--destruction intended for others will fall upon the schemers.

It's heartbreaking, all the same.

But...Lord, please, no matter what--Your will be done in the here and now.

Living the Resurrection?

Things 'bout to get real interesting again, apparently.

For one: Saturdays have to change, now.

No idea what the Lord intends me to do, other than what I had been doing. But He's not permitting continuation of what has been the case. That was made very clear today, without a single word being necessary.

And, as before, there was the option to not heed. But that never goes well, although He does redeem through discipline.  

I asked for help in howsoever He would have me communicate the matter, and found it done before a thought had ever entered my mind to contradict the given direction.

Then proceeded to return to home-space and nearly incited an argument with one of the ladies that stays in the same house as me, entirely unintentionally. Just per random conversation. Just because words sometimes come across differently.

I did ask Him for this, though. And I'm grateful.
Being alive in Christ and alive to Christ does mean being dead to the world.

Not merely dead, in terms of being insensate to the things of the world. But being, as Paul put it, of an aroma of death to those who are in the world.

Both.

Good times.

So, work promises to become increasingly interesting, too.
Not that it hasn't been. Continued submission, loving obedience, and circumspection. Continued resting in the love of Jesus, abiding in His constant presence.

Nothing to dread, in other words. Jesus has got this--He's got me well in hand. He's the one who put me there, and here. He's the one who lines out every day. He's the one who gives what need be said, when it need be said (and has me bite my tongue--sometimes literally, though not hard--to keep me from varied impulse to speak without His prompting).

Not that I am perfectly aligned to His will or heed Him perfectly.

Oh, no.

I long for that.

But there's constant faltering. And even two moments of being very blatantly given over to impatience and harshness on Friday, alone. Apologies and grief. Prayer continues.

Terrible.

But I trust Him to continue His work in me--I'm not capable in any way of making myself conform to His image, apart from His intervention. It's His life in me, through me, or nothing but dross. Either He tests and transforms, or I won't change.

So, church might be pretty interesting tomorrow, too. We'll see.
Hopefully no ominous threats. Hopefully no attacks.

As, seriously--we, none of us, sometimes know entirely what spirit we're giving over to.

They try to get sneaky, too, even. Try to do stuff in a way that seems godly, even gently prodding. Which has been the most insidious, especially when coming through beloved brethren.

And I'd really still rather He would move this other church where I'm living than move me. But, I'm awaiting direction, either way--doesn't matter what I want, but what His will is.

There is some seriously fearful stuff hereabouts, though. Just being immediately adjacent really is enough to be odd, at times. Seriously odd. If the Lord hadn't prepared me in the way He's done, I'd constantly be in a state of terror.

God is greater, though. And He's faithful. Totally faithful. And He loves me, more than I could ever manage to fall out from.

So, when I have been wrapped up in anxieties--when I've been distracted by fear's slithering whispers, when my attention falls from praising my Maker to considering the things of this world overmuch: He doesn't let go.

He may permit me to fall a bit, learning and being cleansed through the fires of trial...but He picks me back up and dusts me off. Kisses my wounds, cleans them, and bandages them with His healing love.

Every time, He's done this.

And that's been a lot--I've dived headlong into every single major error I could manage to find, online and elsewhere. Either per actual interaction or per immersion through total mental consumption.

Because...that's what sort of wretchedness I perpetuate. I have to know the ends and depths and breadths and widths of everything. A really ungood compulsion.

Which...He's bringing to heel. I hope. I believe.

I'm so grateful. I'm tired of running. Sick of it, really.
So, Lord willing, there'll be no more for a while.

I did get a pack of cigarettes yesterday, though. Still not entirely sure of why (...willfulness?, ...testing?, ...publicly mourning the state of the world openly?, ...becoming an object of scorn more tangibly while proclaiming Christ, as to perplex the wise who would be further confronted by their own futility of heart and mind?--so concerned with the keeping of the flesh while scorning the life of the spirit given through Christ, alone?), but He'll line it out.

There was brief opportunity to give (unintentionally and unexpected) witness, over course, last night. So, regardless that it may not be optimal?...He's still using the situation to some good.

Compared to going walking through the neighborhood after midnight, cigarettes seemed a slightly more reasonable course. I just get so sick of being hounded by fear, sometimes. The Spirit of the Lord does come in like a flood when the enemy attempts to blatantly overwhelm. Every time.

Eh. Things.

I am going to continue, hopefully, to not go walking at night right now. The cold weather does help check that impulse.

But for now, to go silently mourn.
And talk with the Lord.

Or just sit with Him.

It's been too long. Every moment not spent in solitude with Him...too long apart.

I want to listen better, again. Rather than only talking.

Song: I Am Free

Songs and Thoughts on Order and Calamity

Have been remembering.

The people, the places, years ago. Broken-hearted, even then, longing for some way to bring peace, hope, and heal through love. Apart from directing to Christ, though, each bit given was just a bit of faltering solace in a sea of pain.

Each time returning to a point of any perceived strength, striving and giving again to a point of collapse--again and again, unto so much self-destruction. Even when errantly succumbing to the need for companionship--in desperation, clinging to whatever scraps of compassion could be found.

I remember, numerous people tried to keep me from going back to New Orleans after Katrina. Even with an offer from one for a job working support with legislature at Charleston, WV--accommodation somehow provided, as well, just to keep me from going back. Everyone knew it would be unto death. I did, too.

I had to go back, though. There was no alternative. None which would have allowed anything akin to piece.

My actions weren't holy, by any attempt. My thoughts and tendencies weren't given to obedience to God or reverence for Him, despite erstwhile and continued calling myself seeking to know Him according to my own understanding.

But, still, somehow...in some way I'll probably never understand, the Lord was still making some way. The first private conversation ever had with a new friend, there, at first meeting and being alone with her, was concentric about making the case for Jesus. For His divinity. His resurrection.

Apart from providing some partial witness that was given to me, when He brought me to surrender--at the last conversation via phone, a year ago...she'd still been completely unwilling to even acknowledge Jesus is truth. She'd convinced herself for many long years that He was a fable which mimicked the traditions of so many other religions.

That conversation didn't continue until just after Easter of this year. She contacted me online to ask where His body is--she'd been going through resources, searching the available information on the internet...trying to find out where His body rests.

I told her.

And as part of her questioning, searching, she apparently also went to another of our mutual friends, one known to "know things." He directed her to me. I believe he knows. He's running, too, though.

It's in the Lord's hands. She was so kind to me, always. I miss her. There were so many people who tolerated my presence and even welcomed me, so often, if most did so without concern or compassion.

I'm nothing, less than a grain of sand, and yet He does use us.

Despite us, often.

I don't understand these things. Especially given the utmost wretchedness of so many things endeavored and undertaken. He could have delivered me from sin, so many years ago. He could have broken me under the weight of it all, back then. I was in defiance. I was trying to do things and help people my way...even striving to know God according to my own pursuit, rather than according to His revelation of Himself.

He gave once, just under two years ago, that it was according to His design. Permitted, so to enter preparation. He wasn't complicit in my sin. He was grieved. Sorely grieved. But He allowed my wandering, yet restraining me from greater evils which would have been, so to allow for now and whatever comes.

And it's weird to talk on things in such a way, because there's a lot of aggrandizement in a sense. But...this is all in context of knowing He's far more vast than is conceivable and all of His will and thoughts and ways are so infinitely higher than passing consideration of any of man's scheming could even begin to aspire unto, as being independently or individually impactful unto the all which is. But He is so gracious and intimately involved as to work through us, each unto the next, according to His will.

Even being so far beyond us that it's not possible to comprehend. He knew the end from the beginning, including each and every single instance unfolding in the midst. Without effort, He knows. Simply is.

So individual contemplations of life are only relevant in as much as I know Him and trust Him. And see, in a very tiny way, that He uses the weak to shame the strong. And uses the foolish things of this world to confound the wisdom of man. 

Even individually. Pondering all these things, wondering at His involvement despite my utmost wretchedness. Nothing good which came through me was of me, merely He restrained and manifested grace despite me.

This is so especially evident in those moments where my patience runs thin, even now. And when impulsivity is heeded, even now, rather than continual seeking of His will, entire. Catering to self rather than Christ, though more now of something habit still to be disbanded as a vestigial, dead remnant from life and ways prior.

My heart grieves to grieve Him, and yet I do. But for grace. But for knowing the truth of who He is, even in such small measure as is possible at any given instance while yet robed in this flesh which has so long been suffused by preference for delusions exalted against Him.

He provided me with people, though, all the while. People who didn't seem to have dark ulterior motives, despite not honoring God. People who were grateful for companionship for the sake of companionship, in the midst of utter chaos.

Being buffeted on all sides, continually. Mercifully, really.

Had things gone smoothly, easily, well all the time, the delusion that it's possible to know God on any terms but His own may not have come crashing down, eventual. Although...still...He could do these things by any means which He chooses. Yet, sin and idolatry aren't without consequences--whether present or eventual, eternal.

I'm just so grateful to have experienced the consequences and been chastised all the while, in present state. Even with so many times of sinning unto death, then still He has had such mercy.

All the more to honor Him now. Desiring perfection, yet falling so short. Except for Christ, Himself, this would be enough to drive to absolute despair.

I will trust Him. He was doing the things before I ever began to strive to honor Him, out of love desiring obedience because He's worthy and due and...is everything good.. He was preserving and somehow still directing, despite me, all the while. Prevenient grace is what the Methodists call it, or something.

But either way, His grace is manifest to all--rain falls on the just and the unjust.

I don't need to understand. He's God. He's Lord of us all, regardless whether we acknowledge the truth of it (though we all know Him, in our deepest of hearts--despite that He gives us over to delusions of our choosing, as we suppress the truth). So, He can do what He wants. His will is good, at least. Otherwise, we'd all be in a mess.

A total mess. Rather than the one which is, with such pain, disease, brokenness, distress, and death as already seems intolerable. Which, of that--we see this and despair of it, yet still refuse to turn to Him.

How's that for insanity?

We see death, we see disease, we see poverty and destruction and hatred and wickedness and drought and starvation and suffering...and lament it, to some extent even attempting to put temporary fixes...yet we still refuse to do what would address the issue: Repent of our wickedness and turn to God for healing.

That He would heal the land and us all.

If His Word can be believed (Spoiler: It can be. He's God, and as one of the teachers recently perused so well described it--given He was able to create the universe, He's totally capable of dictating/writing a book to effectively communicate with His created beings.)...then, the only healing to come is by tearing down the idols in our hearts and minds, to turn to Him.

Just is. Turning against Him is what reaps the consequences: Broken order of operation? Disjointed function results.

Except that He is so merciful and gracious as to still preserve us, despite our treasonous proclivity for self-exaltation (I mean, seriously, what are we really worshipping, if we esteem anything other than Him?--these other exalted idols are esteemed unto worship as according to our understanding, after all...just as varied manifestations of self worship, then.)

Gratitude is so much different from worship. Being grateful implies a higher esteem as unto a gift giver. Worship implies thus-limited regard for the object of focus--as an end, itself.

There can be a fine line, sometimes, when it comes to necessities for this life, where the objects of usefulness themselves become a point of too ardent focus, seeming entirely means to the desired end, in themselves. Money, for its own sake, is empty of prosperity. Food, for its own sake, is void of substance. Shelter and comfort, for their own sake, are absent security. Fellowship, for its own sake, lacks edification unto meaningful progress. Love, for its own sake, destructively self-consumes rather than proffering any sustenance.

Apart from reverence to God, the giver of all things good, all the benefits of His creation unto us work varied measures of indulgence unto destruction. We aren't capable of prospering apart from Him. We aren't created in such a way as to be capable.

It really is a matter of design. If a machine is made to process grain, and you try to use it to process walnuts, there are going to be problems...if it even works to that end at all. And that's not even a good example, because sin is entirely against created order. Not something that's even remotely akin to designed function, but an absolute deviation. Such that the order is broken.

Calamity is an ordained result. And yet we proceed without attempting to submit to Him, regardless. Trying even further to esteem ourselves as part of addressing the results of our sinfulness--trying to "design" or "plan" out ways to "fix things" ourselves.

There is no recovery on the whole, apart from returning to proper function. Additional errant abuse of liberties isn't going to correct the ills wrought by initial abuse. Further complication of brokenness is all that will and may result, except that He so graciously restrains, so very often.
What, though, when He withdraws His hand of protection?

From personal experience, I can attest that what happens is utter chaos, death, brokenness, and breakdown of all ability to function, whatsoever.

He's merciful that way.

May He help us learn, may He draw us back to Himself, despite ourselves.

Song: Draw Me Close

Perception vs. Reality?

Appreciating the idea of a person is not the same as knowing them:

There are a lot of people who love the idea of Jesus. Love the idea of who He is and what He's done, but don't actually want to know Him or love Him.

It's not as though there's not a path between--to make it so that love for the idea of Him transitions to love for Him. But He's the only means. His work. Counting the cost. Surrender. Carrying the cross.

Living unto Him.

A big difference from empty praise, though.

But He's not a magic word. He's not an empty idol. He's not a construct of man.
He's not a means to an end. He's not a lucky charm. He's not absent the room.

He's the living God. He's a loving Savior who extends scarred hands to those whom He loves, entreating us to turn to Him for salvation. He's either presently reigning in our lives, hearts, and minds, or we are, to our destruction.
And He's ever present.

And knowing Him constitutes a relationship--an experience unique and individual or not at all. Even as also a collective experience, it's foremost individual, or not at all.

There's a big difference between the idea of loving Christ and actually loving Him, though. Loving an idea requires no commitment, no effort, no consistency. Loving a living, present God implies relationship, which entails interaction and devotion to some, if varied, extent.

I used to only love the idea of Him, before ever coming to know Him.
The reality of who He is used to scare me beyond a willingness to know Him: I ran from Him, when He revealed Himself to me. But still loved the idea of Him, despite I wanted nothing to do with Him. For a long while.

He's patient, though, and long-suffering. He's full of mercy and grace. And love.
Otherwise I wouldn't still be alive. Otherwise, none of us would be.

I'm now grateful there's the opportunity to continue to seek Him, to increasingly come to know Him better. All despite my running, despite tendencies to attempt to destroy relationship with Him: I've railed against Him so many times, expecting Him to smite me or write me off as too much trouble. Expecting He'd get tired of me, very quickly. And expecting He'd walk away and not put up with me, at all.

He hasn't left me. And He's very gently guided me back to Himself, or even waited very patiently for me to finish running and return (usually after making a particularly nonsensical move which was certain to dissuade Him from continuing to attempt to bother with me). He's been very patient.

He's been that way, too, through certain current friends who know Him. Like one in Canada, whom I was sure would run entirely the other way after being confronted with some bits of the madness and darkness and inconstancy which used to be so much a rule of life, prior to coming to know and love Christ. I was absolutely certain disgust and revulsion would dissuade her from further interaction. She directed me to Christ, though, instead.

We discussed Him, then. Talked about the work He's doing in us, what He's showing us, and sharing of Him with one another. Along which course, the rest fell away under the weight of His presence. Gradually, increasingly.

Because He's not uninvolved. He's intimately involved. And although I do trust Him, I'm still learning to trust.

Though there's a part of me which still clings to fear, expecting I'd still rather have Him just abandon me now than wait to do so past a time when I've loved Him long and trusted Him deeply--to then leave utterly bereft and completely destroyed.

But I know He's not like that. I know it, and yet...I'm still learning to embrace the reality of who He is. I'm still getting to know Him. Time has helped, significantly. So have trials. Scripture. Prayer.

Ideas don't equate to experiential knowledge, is all. I may know various things about the Lord, but it's only through increasingly knowing and understanding Him that fears are seriously unseated and defeated. He overcomes those things, per the sheer weight of His presence, as I draw nearer to Him. As He draws me nearer. Such that a weight of my belief in Him rests upon accurate knowledge of Him and upon the intimacy of my relationship with Him. Otherwise, ideas about Him are empty.

Objective vs. subjective experience. Really makes a difference.
And...sleep.

Song: Thank You God for Saving Me

Want to write, but alone time at home means singing. Must...do...

Ah, priorities! XD

Very Briefly...

So...so grateful for what He did yesterday, of healing. I have been marveling at what it is to move freely, breathe freely, and without that pain. There's soreness, but not the pain.

Beyond it all, to be able to lift my hands in praise and surrender and supplication to the Lord, without pain. I am completely undone at this mercy.

And beyond that, especially as longing not to have any relief make way for sin, given tendency to become self-congratulatory is so utterly vast...

...I am so grateful for His keeping. He shepherds me so lovingly. And yes, there's pain, but part of the process of being kept and sanctified. Willingly endured, then. Gratefully.

And even in addition, He's granted such sweet fellowship, even particular. i haven't words

May the Lord bless you with His presence and abundant knowledge of the graces manifest through His love, unto You each, on this day of remembrance.

Much love.
Peace and grace.

A Living Sacrifice?

Still walking utterly blind. And often deaf, too.

Funny, how sometimes the Lord restrains particular sight and hearing--from seeing what displeases Him, hearing what dishonors Him. And other times, restrains according to other intentions, too. I've seen and experienced each, many times--but by grace.

And then, it's interesting to remember--the Lord, Himself, disappeared in the middle of many a crowd who had convened solely around Him.

I just fail and fall prey to dishonoring Him so often. Like, even being once and many times grieved at the callousness and wretched degradation done per frivilous words and careless actions, then I'm still no less subject to falling into the very same mire except that the Lord continually rebukes and restrains.

I am very grateful He corrects me, is all. Even as it's so much better to be utterly humiliated in the presence of beloved others than to end up continuing in a path of mockery or depravity or deceit or any else, unchecked, unawares.

And mockery is every bit as ruinous as all the rest.

Even as:

Proverbs 17:5

He who mocks the poor taunts his Maker; He who rejoices at calamity will not go unpunished

...which goes much further than mere mockery, yeah. Even especially if you take a broad survey of quite all the many things which constitute poverty: financial, circumstantial, spiritual, intellectual, physical, or any matter in a state of lack. There are even who are poverty-stricken as regards fellowship or as regards understanding. And, personally, I'd far and entirely rather remain financially strapped by the western world's standards than live in abundance and be poverty-stricken of conscious reliance upon my God and Savior. There's no contest.
And if it would so simply gain me greater knowledge of and intimacy with Christ--then, dear Lord, let me possess ever less of the world's favors.

...and of the latter part of that verse?

So much--so many things: woe unto us who are esteemed in our own eyes.

Yet of the other:
There's a weird sort of balance with humor that honestly still scares me, when it comes to personal endeavor--probably because of how far I'd fallen in regard to humor, prior to surrender to Christ: Humor so depraved that people (one in particular, though it had distancing effect on others) stopped speaking to me as a result of particular "jokes."

That's bad. Although I experienced remorse, even then, all the more is my current desire to completely avoid such a wretched, latent tendency--it's assuredly still there, within in some way.

Which...along that line: I'm so very, very confused about how things work regarding tendency toward particular sins. The whole "new creature" thing is totally legit. And yet, somehow, I'm still tempted by things which used to rule my life--even if the temptation itself is now deplorable, then there's still somehow, somewhere in me a part which is tempted. Despised as sin, and yet still tempting. How does that even work?

And I've been attempting diligently to ignore my body for...oh, going on three years, now?...but there are still sinful impulses--like to overindulge in food, to smoke cigarettes, and so on, as from before--which manifest unto temptation, still. And unto faltering, lamentably. But the Lord increasingly gives ability to ignore temptations while becoming more desperate to honor Him--unto an increasing sort of deliverance. Just, the presence of these temptations is a point of despair. I do not want to be tempted. Yet I can't run away from everything and become a nun and expect that would put an end to temptation (though I have been tempted to attempt that route, for sure--even unto research).

My relationship with the temple has never been so good, is the thing. Before, there was a lot of abuse along all sorts of lines. Wretched, horrid, deplorable--both endured and willfully entered.

And except that Jesus bore my shame, took my sin, made me clean...I would still and continually castigate myself, endlessly.

But He's been working on that, lately, too....much to my consternation: I haven't wanted to cease despising myself and loathing this body given unto death. Which...is all entirely wrong-headed.

(And in the midst of this, please excuse me for being contradictory while taking a moment to thank the Lord for assisting and directing in means by which to somehow release a point of nerve...occlusion comes to mind, but that's weird...nerve-whatever that's been present for maybe ten years?--since the fall from the balcony? In process of releasing this whatever it was, numerous other things have been relieved: I can breathe freely again, my inner ears are unstopped for the first in at least four years, my range of motion has been increased, and I have a very strong impression vertigo and other matters related are going to clear up significantly. I'd had no idea how much my range of motion had been impacted, no idea how much my breathing had been influenced, no idea I'd been so restricted for so long. I'm so grateful. It doesn't even seem real. Oh, thank You, Lord!)

So, yeah. Pain had been a thing pursued, even willingly endured. If nothing else, even, pain and death were continually entreated per such reckless living as had been the case prior to surrender to Christ. That lifestyle was a matter of trying to control things, despite being so out of control. And rather than constituting any actual attempt to do right or good by myself or anyone else, life as it was before--including attempts to do "penance"--was always only varied methods and manners of despising God: Continually abusing and defiling the gifts He's given.

I don't want that, though. I don't want to dishonor Him: not per interaction, per humor, per the way I carry myself, nor per the way I regard and care for the gifts He's given given. I do not want to defile, degrade, abuse, despise, or even neglect the gifts He's lavished. So there's a deep contradiction in the way I've been regarding myself which need be brought into the light, unto subjection to His will:

If the body is His temple, and if I revere and love Him, then I'll cherish His earthly dwelling place and care for it as a cherished blessing. And though I have no real context for even knowing how to proceed comprehensively, the Lord has codified His Word...and given His Spirit to guide and teach...and also given fellowship with others who know Him, to help.

So, although I'm really struggling with this one--I'm confronting a lifetime's worth of delusion concerning doing things utterly wrongly and destructively as pertains to caring for myself...I trust Jesus to help me navigate these strange waters.

This, now recognizing that part of my disdain against the temple comes from being incapable of either counting myself truly separate from the flesh or of bringing it into absolute conformity to God's will. As I've not been capable of exacting my will in full, expecting somehow my own will to be right or good or sufficient still, in this matter, I've instead continued to subtly despise my body, even per attempt to totally ignore my own needs.

I am not separate from my body, nor am I independently capable of initiating absolute conformity to God's ordained uses. Yet, being Christ's, nothing which I am is my own--all which has been given me is only given as unto Him:
A living sacrifice, now. All things. And He will complete the work He began.

He has purchased me with His blood:
A holy, incomprehensibly merciful transaction--taking my filth and depravity upon Himself and paying the penalty which I never could have satisfied, paid in full...while giving me His own righteousness and counting me justified before God--once, condemned by my own actions...now, a child according to His own good will and love toward me, through Christ.

Incomprehensible. He has done this. For all who receive Him. For all who will.
And yet, for all who would.
For the sins of the world, John transcribed.

So, given what Jesus has done to save me and make me His own...plus, given my love for Him...

....who am I to despise anything of myself--whom He has loved unto death, so to make clean and pardon?
And who am I to despise any of that with which He's blessed me?--even now, His Spirit has made this body His own temple, ever remaining with me.

Would I despise Him, still?

No, never again. So, all I have is to throw myself completely on His mercy, yet again--having no idea how to proceed, no idea of a way through, but knowing He's capable where I'm completely bereft and where there are no ways through. He is the Way.

I've spent so long living as unto death. Wouldn't it be far better to increasingly recognize my own death completed with Christ's, thus to ever more completely now embrace the life He's so graciously given?

He's been my only reason and means of living, whatsoever. But living at a bare minimum for survival isn't what He's ordained: living without rejoicing isn't what He's called me into.

He's called me into a life of rejoicing in His love, relishing His gifts, and embracing His purpose--one step, one moment, one breath at a time. Always only one at a time, to rejoice. As never, then, to esteem the gift over the Giver, but to continue to walk in the light of recognizing His glory revealed per each gift and unto each moment--ever growing into a deeper and more complete (though eternally pursued) knowledge of Jesus Christ and His love toward those who have received Him.

I can't make this to be so. I can only recognize He's calling. And upon that awareness of the matter, He thereafter supplies realization of the need to make my requests--even with rejoicing.

Without such prompting from Him, though, I'd still be entirely bereft and utterly blind even to my own need for His ongoing deliverance. And I'd still be utterly deaf to the cries of others beseeching me to seek Him. Except for grace, except for His continual intervention.

He is so gracious, though. Exceedingly. Incomprehensibly.
And if I were to think on some of the things it seems He's maybe, somehow, kind of, possibly?...orchestrating...I wouldn't be able to think at all.
Just incomprehensible.

And yet His mercies are new every day.

Much love to you, in Christ our Lord.
Grace and peace.

My Utmost for His Highest, Nov 23

Donate Distraction Of Antipathy

Have mercy upon us, O Lord, have mercy upon us: for we are exceedingly piled with contempt. —Psalm 123:3 The thing of which we have to beware is not so much damage to our belief in God as damage to our Christian temper. “Therefore take heed to thy spirit, that ye deal not treacherously.” The temper of mind is tremendous in its effects, it is the enemy that penetrates right into the soul and distracts the mind from God. There are certain tempers of mind in which we never dare indulge; if we do, we find they have distracted us from faith in God, and until we get back to the quiet mood before God, our faith in Him is nil, and our confidence in the flesh and in human ingenuity is the thing that rules. Beware of “the cares of this world,” because they are the things that produce a wrong temper of soul. It is extraordinary what an enormous power there is in simple things to distract our attention from God. Refuse to be swamped with the cares of this life. Another thing that distracts us is the lust of vindication. St. Augustine prayed – “O Lord, deliver me from this lust of always vindicating myself.” That temper of mind destroys the soul’s faith in God. “I must explain myself; I must get people to understand.” Our Lord never explained anything; He left mistakes to correct themselves. When we discern that people are not going on spiritually and allow the discernment to turn to criticism, we block our way to God. God never gives us discernment in order that we may criticize, but that we may intercede.

Hebrews 2:10-13...and Stuff.

10 For it became him, for whom are all things, and by whom are all things, in bringing many sons unto glory, to make the captain of their salvation perfect through sufferings.

11 For both he that sanctifieth and they who are sanctified are all of one: for which cause he is not ashamed to call them brethren,

12 Saying, I will declare thy name unto my brethren, in the midst of the church will I sing praise unto thee.

13 And again, I will put my trust in him. And again, Behold I and the children which God hath given me.

KJV

10 In bringing many sons and daughters to glory, it was fitting that God, for whom and through whom everything exists, should make the pioneer of their salvation perfect through what he suffered. 11 Both the one who makes people holy and those who are made holy are of the same family. So Jesus is not ashamed to call them brothers and sisters. 12 He says,

“I will declare your name to my brothers and sisters;
    in the assembly I will sing your praises."

13 And again,

“I will put my trust in him.”

And again he says,

“Here am I, and the children God has given me.”

NIV

10 For it was fitting for Him, for whom are all things, and through whom are all things, in bringing many sons to glory, to perfect the [k]author of their salvation through sufferings. 11 For both He who sanctifies and those who are [l]sanctified are all from one Father; for which reason He is not ashamed to call them brethren, 12 saying,

“I will proclaim Your name to My brethren,
In the midst of the congregation I will sing Your praise.”

13 And again,

“I will put My trust in Him.”

And again,

“Behold, I and the children whom God has given Me.”

NASB

10 For it was an act worthy [of God] and fitting [to the divine nature] that He, for Whose sake and by Whom all things have their existence, in bringing many sons into glory, should make the Pioneer of their salvation perfect [should bring to maturity the human experience necessary to be perfectly equipped for His office as High Priest] through suffering.

11 For both He Who sanctifies [making men holy] and those who are sanctified all have one [Father]. For this reason He is not ashamed to call them brethren;

12 For He says, I will declare Your [the Father’s] name to My brethren; in the midst of the [worshiping] congregation I will sing hymns of praise to You.

13 And again He says, My trust and assured reliance and confident hope shall be fixed in Him. And yet again, Here I am, I and the children whom God has given Me.

AMP (Classic)

...still, just the idea of Him singing. And in our midst, no less. Mind-boggling.

And the idea of being perfectly equipped in His service to God, through suffering?
Hm. Many things. 

Colossians 3:16 NLT

Let the message about Christ, in all its richness, fill your lives. Teach and counsel each other with all the wisdom he gives. Sing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs to God with thankful hearts.

More Songs: Breath of Heaven, Your Love is Better...and Some Thoughts

So weird, right now. The strange physical things that were going on cleared up over course of a roughly 24-hour spot of fellowship. The Lord does that, though. There've been many times when toothaches, migraines, earaches, and such were driven away under weight of praise and regard for Him.

Still working on spinal alignment, but nothing major at this point. So grateful.

And still grateful for the dependence forged, in the midst. It's fairly impossible to maintain an incapacitating level of self-conscious anxiety when pain is in any way sufficient to force dependence upon the Lord just to be able to function. One or the other.

He's teaching me. He does restore strength. He does renew.

I'm still entirely scared and overwhelmed, but I trust Jesus. He will lead me, He will sanctify me, He will direct me. He will bless me.

Just knowing Him is a blessing. And especially, to become more acquainted.
By whatever means, being freed to walk in truth.

Yesterday and last night and all...has been such a blessing.
I will trust the Lord.

And as an aside, the lattermost portion of this passage has been going round in mind for the past many months. Many months. And it seems like there's a Psalm somewhere that mentions Him singing, too, but I'm not finding it right now.

Parallel Verses New International Version The LORD your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing." New Living Translation For the LORD your God is living among you. He is a mighty savior. He will take delight in you with gladness. With his love, he will calm all your fears. He will rejoice over you with joyful songs." English Standard Version The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing. New American Standard Bible  "The LORD your God is in your midst, A victorious warrior. He will exult over you with joy, He will be quiet in His love, He will rejoice over you with shouts of joy. King James Bible The LORD thy God in the midst of thee is mighty; he will save, he will rejoice over thee with joy; he will rest in his love, he will joy over thee with singing. Holman Christian Standard Bible Yahweh your God is among you, a warrior who saves. He will rejoice over you with gladness. He will bring you quietness with His love. He will delight in you with shouts of joy."  International Standard Version The LORD your God among you is powerful— he will save and he will take joyful delight in you. In his love he will renew you with his love; he will celebrate with singing because of you.

The Lord...singing. I mean, it's not something you hear spoken of in church very often (...ever?). But yeah. And a quick Google yielded this: 

Jesus Sings

I mean... That's just... I can't even fathom.

There are so many things, of singing. It's a fearful thing to sing, openly. Terrifying. How to sing without heart, after all? Then, so vulnerable. So open.

Someday without fear.
He's helping me.

Songs: I Surrender, Lead Me to the Cross

Song: Be Still My Soul, You Are My Hiding Place

My Utmost for His Highest, Nov 16

Still Human!

Whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God. — 1 Corinthians 10:31 The great marvel of the Incarnation slips into ordinary childhood’s life; the great marvel of the Transfiguration vanishes in the devil-possessed valley; the glory of the Resurrection descends into a breakfast on the sea-shore. This is not an anticlimax, but a great revelation of God. The tendency is to look for the marvellous in our experience; we mistake the sense of the heroic for being heroes. It is one thing to go through a crisis grandly, but another thing to go through every day glorifying God when there is no witness, no limelight, no one paying the remotest attention to us. If we do not want medieval haloes, we want something that will make people say — “What a wonderful man of prayer he is!” “What a pious devoted woman she is!” If you are rightly devoted to the Lord Jesus, you have reached the sublime height where no one ever thinks of noticing you, all that is noticed is that the power of God comes through you all the time. “Oh, I have had a wonderful call from God!” It takes Almighty God Incarnate in us to do the meanest* duty to the glory of God. It takes God’s Spirit in us to make us so absolutely humanly His that we are utterly unnoticeable. The test of the life of a saint is not success, but faithfulness in human life as it actually is. We will set up success in Christian work as the aim; the aim is to manifest the glory of God in human life, to live the life hid with Christ in God in human conditions. Our human relationships are the actual conditions in which the ideal life of God is to be exhibited. *mean: as used here, something or someone ordinary, common, low, or ignoble, rather than cruel or spiteful.