"This hymn was written as a testament to a difficult time in John Newton's life. He and his friend William Cowper had embarked on a project that was to become the Olney Hymns Collection, but not long into the project, Cowper went insane.
Newton wrote that it seemed as though God was going out of his way to make life difficult for him then realized that even through adversity, God continues to work."
I still maintain that the only person who has ever been truly sane is Jesus, Himself. If insanity is disconnect from reality and attempting to proceed in ways which have again and again proven faulty, yet expecting a different result "this time," He really is the only one who's really known and lived and walked on this earth with total regard for reality.
The rest of us walk with varying degrees of delusion impacting our perspective and actions. Especially of those who are His and who do know Him, there's a weird sort of disconnect we traverse.
The summer before the Lord brought me to surrender, He allowed me to come to a point where there was no longer a conscious disconnect between awareness of the spiritual and the physical. Prior, I'd go through bouts of ardently pursuing one while ignoring the other--having no means of reconciling the two as truly one reality. I'm not presently going to discuss the particular matters which were ones developed of spiritual awareness, over many years...except to say that even I at times wondered at the truth of perception, as to whether I was really experiencing and witnessing what seemed the case. Which is why the pursuit was particularly laborious--reaching a point, observing and experiencing results, then attempting by any means to determine whether what was observed was actually so, per duplication of situation and per blind tests involving (uninformed) others.
And there were two especial instances where physical, visible markers of experience were otherwise unexplainable and which came about without any direct personal intent or expectation.So, while delusion was a large part of ever attempting independent pursuit of spiritual matters, as perceived to be "apart" from God...still, the experiences were validated and duplicated and progressed consistently. As He permitted...which makes the grief in recalling this all even worse. Even perhaps especially regarding trafficking with spiritual entities--some of whom I didn't seek out, but came of their own volition. One particular revisited thrice.
The first time, offering assistance with anything--carte blanche. All I had to do was ask. And that was many years into already trafficking with one particular entity. And years into having pursued all this rebellion against the Lord. Even having once and for many years loving Christ, I still walked away into all this madness.
I'd experienced the truth of Jesus's existence and active involvement in the world, per His direct assistance to me and per the joy of His presence and per sharing in His grief, at times. But I was so blind. (I still am, except that He leads me by the hand.) When the church turned me out, the first time, and first began looking upon me as some odd sort of distasteful, foreign, potentially harmful creature...I was heartbroken. I was devastated. And especially as this happened in context of a deeper experience of the truth of God's existence, there was quite a tailspin.
No one to talk to, except God. And given the giving over to Him is what led to being literally cast out of the church (set out on the sidewalk, during an evening service--I was 12, I think...or maybe younger, but I think 12). So, though I'd not really been on speaking terms with Him, prior, I effectively turned even further away. Some weirdness came in, as far as a giving over to temptation to seek Him on my own terms, since it had proven so painful to find Him or knowledge of Him at church.
My parents had been obsessed with the Trinity Broadcasting Network for a while, at that point. I know now that part of the reason my dad was especially interested in all the many books and videos warning against and preparing for discerning children's involvement in the occult was because he'd been involved in the physical summoning of a demon as a teen. And as much as he was still terrified, telling me about the experience in attempt to warn me off from that-such pursuit...knowing what I know now, that sort of thing isn't something that "just happens." High level practitioners don't generally approach that level of involvement...it's not at all wise, for one thing.
But my mom had her own things, too. My mother's side of the family was much into reading signs, expecting and heeding premonitory dreams, and using "intuition" as means of knowing and controlling people and circumstances.
Given all that, though, they continually watched and collected materials regarding "signs your child may be involved in the occult." One of which was basically a primer on every prevailing pagan religion of the time. All the introductory materials you could hope for--general practices, the general precepts of beliefs, the general materials utilized as part of practice, and a run-down of the basic rituals. You know--so the person reading the book could tell whether any of those things were being done, given evidence of such materials, times of "unavailability," or evidence of particular-type ideological expressions.
No, though. It was a primer on the occult, just sold under the guise of Christian-watchfulness. We don't need to know these things, though. We're actually warned against seeking to understand evil just for the sake of understanding.
It's like inviting a disease into your body--opening your mind to the ways and workings of such things, except that the Holy Spirit preserve and guide and protect all the while. Except that He be leading the process, entirely.
And even then, that can't be a thing as self willfully seeking to attain understanding, or otherwise it's not given as prompting by the Lord. This isn't to say He may not use some sort of otherwise-unrecognized and unbidden pressure to learn by His leading. But even then, still--unless the whole proceeds in such a way as honors Him, it's very likely just confusion as this all sort is a very dicey subject at best...
Really, best to step away.
And trust He'll lead in what's necessary. While remaining immersed in Scripture as means to attain unto knowledge of Him and His creation. Not commentaries, not expositions, not doctrines. Scripture.
It's given for all instruction--His Spirit leading the all.
Anyway, point being--they need not have gotten such books, but rather need have been surrendered to the leading of the Lord and He would have preserved, directed. Our knowledge--anyways regarded apart from honoring Him--works disobedience as furthering pride.
And that particular availability of "knowledge" worked temptation for me--to have such materials at hand, while experiencing rejection from the church.
((As a side-note, my second deck of tarot cards was a Christmas present from a priest. He's still a priest--I looked him up a few months ago.))
The thing with spiritual stuff, though--it's largely walking blind. Without surrender to God, there is only delusion in terms of what's actually going on. And all the more, the deeper the rebellion on any front. But witchcraft is a rebellion--seeking to manipulate the spiritual and engage with the spiritual, apart from surrender and honor to God.
Something that comes to mind of that, though, regards the prophet Balaam. He was definitely someone who "dabbled" in the spiritual without regard for God's sovereignty. Yet he heard God, too. And in some legitimate, though utterly short-sighted capacity--Balaam did recognize God as the God. Enough so as to heed what was revealed to him, the three times he was entreated to curse Israel--blessing them, instead.
Such things are more about God than it about the man, always. God uses even the most broken, wretched vessels, as He sees fit. He loves, nonetheless, and has made way for salvation for any who would turn to Him. And nothing exists apart from Him, regardless of the depth or seeming extent of rebellion. No one alive is too far gone into sin to be forgiven through Christ's sacrifice and made reconciled to God.
He has lovingly created all who have ever had life, despite that the ravages of sin affect and impact us all to varying extents. The curse of sin is still in effect.
So God spoke to and through Balaam despite Balaam's otherwise absolute wickedness and defiance.
And there was Simon, too, of the more recent records. He performed various things, various matters of the spiritual. But was all the more awed at what the Spirit of God worked in and unto others. He recognized the significance of the Holy Spirit's work in some strange capacity, per a mind still warped by years of self-indulgent defiance against God.
There was involvement with spiritual entities, for these men. But such involvement wasn't described as contingent the matters undertaken and routinely practiced.
So, an option but not a necessity.
And either way, such acts are utter wickedness, depravity, and active evidence of despising God. Despising Him because we're dependent upon Him, wholly: Despising Him for being unavoidably sovereign over us, and over all our circumstances and abilities. Despising Him even to a point of attempting to convince ourselves of independence from Him.
Attempting physical, mental, and spiritual independence. Which, all is of the same, only worked out in externally differing ways. CEOs who strive to build up companies without regard for God's sovereign will are on equal footing with Simon--entirely utilitarian, pragmatic, grasping desires for self-exaltation and the manifestation of one's own will by any means, no matter the cost and by any means possible.
There's much to grieve of knowing I turned against the Lord so wholeheartedly--Knowing I tried to find Him only on my own terms, for so long, and acted in so many ways which were so utterly wicked and defiant along the while.
I am so grateful for Jesus's mercy. For His longsuffering. For His patience.
And above all, for His love. Love which doesn't falter in the midst of being despised and abused and ignored and even mocked. He turned from me for a span, beginning the latter of my time in New Orleans, and I found myself finally bereft and desperate. So many years of despising Him, mocking Him, defying Him. And many more, even past that point--still resenting Him, resenting His sovereignty.
But truth is, He owns me.
He owns all of us, actually.
We will all acknowledge the truth of His sovereignty, someday--whether here and now or hereafter. He will be acknowledged for Who He is.
Being God means exclusive domain, dominion--total authority:
comprehensive and individual sovereignty.
So, Jesus holds us all in His hands, at His mercy.
As our Lord-Master and Creator. Our God.
Whether we presently honor Him as such or not.
After coming to a point of desperation--blindly seeking, not knowing quite for what or to what end--yet, actually desperate to return to Him...there were still numerous years of pain and defiance endured before He brought me into a place of willingly, eventually gladly, now lovingly surrendering to His control, will, and direction. Even if yet imperfectly, then still seeking Him to purify.
And He made a way for all of us to be reconciled into right relationship with Him. We've all earned wrath, by attempting independence. We weren't designed for independence. It's actually impossible. We were designed for loving awareness and subjection to our dependence upon God--consciously deferring to Him for all direction and loving entreating, expecting, and pursuing His will in all matters. Even being given such a great gift as to enjoy this world He's placed us in, we're simultaneously being given to enjoy Him, through worship and fellowship and obedience.
Not per ritualism. Not rote dogmatism. Not methodological pursuit of right living. Not conformation to the expectations of what society deems necessary to a practical existence in its midst. All these things glorify man's perceived, asserted ability to know and do right.
Nope. That's defiance, attempted independence.
Seeking His guidance, will, and direction in all things--moment by moment. And even as this will and apparently does entail entering and proceeding along courses which are externally parallel to those which the world pursues--of work, of service to others, of community involvements, of varied likewise pursuits...even of finances and such...then, the point of absolute departure is prior to even entering unto such: Rather than doing and pursuing each as a point of perceived necessity according to the world's tenets, we enter each per loving surrender to God, being led in His will along each front, thus giving thanks to continually receive direction...such as actually constitutes actively seeking Him along any path He leads.
So, as such, work isn't work--it's seeking and serving and honoring God, being strengthened and preserved by Him along the whole. Even as that specific results in financial means of meeting the financial needs of oneself and others. Still, the satisfaction of those such needs may be an act of loving obedience and gratitude--praying for His direction on each front, all the while.
He has to direct our every step, otherwise we're acting solely according to our own fleshly understanding, which is innately defiant against Him.
But as with what He'd revealed over last week--He gives direction and leads without our awareness of it being the case, for those who are His. He leads us, despite us. We're still defiant on so many fronts.
Which again, is that point of departure from Him in terms of a dualistic--actually duplicitous--kind of perception of our reality...even as Christians.
Being in the world yet not of it isn't about partaking and proceeding along practical courses while remaining cognizant of God's sovereignty, only. No, it's a matter of beginnings, a matter of the heart's desire prior to even entering into interaction and service and action. And a matter of the heart's desires all the while of such matters. To be able to enter any arena and expect the Lord will lead, because He does...and to give thanks all the while. Remaining aware He will lead, and waiting on Him to do so.
And if He doesn't lead, then waiting for Him to direct. Even painfully enduring the waiting, through uncertain and fearful times. Even having all which otherwise seems necessary to entering/accomplishing what would seem the most practical course of action--having pertinent means already at hand and available for devotion to that end...but, still, refraining. Until He says go or redirects to another course, which He sometimes does.
A desperate sort of urgency to act isn't of Him. Not if fearful, fear-based, anxious. And He's merciful, and He understands our frame--we're but dust. Plus, He understands our temptations, having been tempted in all ways such as we are--yet, without ever sinning.
He understands that we act without seeking His will, ofttimes out of fear, lack of trust in Him. Doesn't excuse it. Doesn't make it less than sin--to act independently, according to our own ideas of what's good and right.
But He's merciful and gracious. So, He restrains the consequences so often (otherwise, we'd not be alive).
But that's not optimal. It's not what we're intended for, as indwelt by His Spirit. He lives in us to teach us and direct us in the ways we should go, even as in accord with and also per His Word.
A relationship.
Not a routine. Not a progressive approach to conformity, intending to imitate Him per our own understanding.
But a fellowship with Him that increases in intimacy, as any good relationship would--pure and holy, unto our sanctification, transforming us as we draw nearer to Him, transforming us into His likeness.
The duplicity of mind arises along those lines, is all. Expecting somehow for our own understanding of Scripture and our own pursuit of knowledge of His ways to be sufficient to allow us to draw near to Him and accomplish His will, externally in ways which are actually ordered with a likeness to the ways in which the world proceeds to act and plan: According to limited understanding, along lines which make sense wholly in the natural.
Rather than acknowledging continually that we're presently seated with Christ in heavenly places. And have all spiritual blessings in Him. And that it's His will to guide us, step by step, on the steep places. Making even the most treacherous terrain seem wide, as our steps are made so secure that the place seems utterly easy to traverse.
He teaches us, He leads us, He is our Shepherd.
Yet we're continually assaulted by all the ideologies the world espouses as vital to practical living. Ideologies which, at their core, are in utter defiance against God--working according to wholly natural, ultimately self-exalting principles. Rather than trusting Him. Rather than seeking Him. Rather than submitting to Him.
Rather than waiting upon Him.
And the thing is, we've got it so entrenched in our minds that if we wait for Him and He doesn't act or direct within a short span...that we'll somehow then be failing to heed Him commands, somehow then be failing on all fronts...that we've redoubled the resistance to waiting upon Him, almost to a point of entirely refusing to do so.
Because "someone's got to do 'it'," "we can't just do 'nothing,'" and "it's not right to have all this which we have and not do 'something'," while simultaneously and inherently denying that God is involved in all which goes on in the world, already, and that seeking Him for direction is doing the utmost which need by done by anyone...as simultaneously trusting He will lead into actions which are good and which honor Him.. Somehow we don't expect Him to lead us to do things, despite that His Scripture records so many instances where He'd led even the early church into actions which were explicitly intended to help others.
And along lines of waiting, also consider that Jesus was, by most accounts, at least 30 before He started preaching repentance, upon having been baptized into public ministry. If He lived in our society, and folks had any idea who He was prior to Him beginning to preach...how much pressure do you think would have been on Him to go out and preach, prior to that age?
The actions of most all of us--insisting upon action prior to waiting for God--call Him into question for "not acting" prior to that age. And would further call into question that His ministry spanned "only" three years, according to present standards.
And according to our current methods of perceiving and discerning and contemplating service unto God, how well organized was His ministry?
Did He sufficiently plan for particular effectiveness along particular lines, unto particular demographics?
Thinking about things that way seems absurd, or it should.
God knows what needs to happen, how it needs to happen, when it needs to happen, and by what means...in order to accomplish His will. Our will isn't good. We're to seek His. Not even according to our understanding, but according to His Spirit's revelation.
We're too limited in perspective to be able to fully comprehend His will, is all. Bits and pieces, yes, but still too limited in scope to be able to properly perceive any best course of action.
The world as a whole considers itself otherwise able and responsible for determining those-type courses of action, though--delineating the best jobs, the best community programs, the best educations, the best neighborhoods, the best pets, the best families, ad nauseum. With utmost energy given to ensuring no thought whatsoever is given to honoring God, along such lines.
Actively, intentionally, if unconsciously, suppressing the truth of God by increasingly loudly and boldly insisting upon self-reliance on all fronts...as whatever best concocted plan or most convoluted procedure seems most expeditious to exalting man's sense of self-reliant capacity for growth and independent success. Apart from God. Intentionally.
So, proceeding along those similar-type lines as one who is Christ's is inherently duplicitous, contradictory. We can't imbibe the world's rejection of God's supremacy and sovereignty per our tendency to make plans and attempt to determine "the best courses" according to our understandings, while still claiming we are submitted to God's will. The two are innately contradictory.
He gives us a capacity for understanding, but to any extent it's exercised apart from submission to Him...it's deluded by sin, into confusion at the very least. Self-exalting. The original sin was of seeking independence in understanding and comprehension, as ability to know good and evil, right and wrong, apart from deference to God.
Argue it any way you want to, except that we're acting in response to His direct guidance--per His Spirit's guidance and confirmed by His Word as a whole--we're acting apart from Him, against Him. It's the nature of the flesh to do so. And except that Christ is who He is and has done what He's done to redeem us and is so merciful toward us all...there'd be no hope, because that tendency is so rife.
Regard for the spiritual is something often assaulted by awareness of the physical, is all. All the years of seeking spiritual awareness, desiring deeper awareness of things spiritual in context of reality as a whole--while there was definite delusion, in terms of denying God's sovereign right to decree the right way to approach Him--did allow for definite realization of the truth of the spiritual, as spiritual experiences were incrementally realized and determined actual.
There'd be periods of primarily pursuing seeking spiritual awareness, though--experiencing the truth of such reality, attempting to discern as much as possible and walk in awareness of realizations--until a point would come, again and again, where the weight of tangible circumstances would gradually occlude the awareness of spiritual reality. Unto eventual regard for only physical circumstances and philosophies as prevalent reality, until unavoidable dissonance arose (having realized there was and is more than merely the physical), in response, inspiring further pursuit of awareness of the spiritual.
But for so long, awareness was always either one or the other--seemingly exclusive of one another. Either I could be maintain awareness of and pursuit of spiritual reality or awareness and regard for visible, tangible, philosophical circumstances...but to attempt both was "too much." So, the two were actual, simultaneous aspects of reality, but perspective was imbalanced per my imbalanced regard for each.
Until the final summer before surrender to Christ, in spirit and truth. Seeking Him for a few years already, at that point--no peace except for in His presence, but He'd still been allowing me to largely live in the same manner as prior. I'd been trying to live life according to the world's tenets--seeking to establish a life that would be externally honoring to God, also acceptable before the world, and seeking to establish a means of proceeding in life which would allow me to do the things I expected and understood were honoring to God. I wanted to be in a position where I could help others and be self-reliant and self-sufficient. Independent, while seeking to give and serve.
I thought it was honoring to God. So I proceeded with what was given, and asked Him for the strength to go. Asked Him for the strength to do what seemed right. Didn't ask Him for direction.
Still was giving precedence to circumstantial understanding, rather that seeking His guidance. Still wasn't surrendered.
But that last summer, something did start to slide into place, as far as being able to simultaneously regard the spiritual as existent with the physical. Neither exclusive of the other, neither superimposed. Simultaneous. As they are.
We are with Christ, by our spirits, even being physically present on earth.
Just as He is with us, by His Spirit, even being physically enthroned in heaven.
The disconnect that still seems so prevalent, though, comes in terms of considering matters which the world is particularly concerned with--finances, business plans, insurance, education, families, and the like.
One I'd still been disconnected regarding was over family things, especially of children and...well, family. As though, somehow, despite that the Lord has made it very clear He intends to guide and guard my steps in regard to work, church, social interaction, and the like...somehow, still, if ever such things as family and such were part of my life, per His will...then somehow I was still under the delusion that I would be responsible for charting that course.
No.
Every single moment. Every single interaction. Every single intervention. Every single conversation. Every single act of discipline and love. Still, every single thing would and is to be would be directed by the Lord, per continual conscious dependence upon Him for all direction.
The same type disconnect had previously made it impossible to simultaneously walk in light of the truth that reality is physical and spiritual. And the same disconnect is what makes room for anxiety and doubt, in terms of "life plans," "business plans," and all the rest.
Either we proceed according to natural understanding, or according to spiritual deference, in terms of honoring God explicitly, is the thing. These realities are simultaneous and true, and yet if we proceed according to carnal understanding, we act apart from His leading--again, except that He lead despite us. Which He is most merciful to often do, otherwise we'd be more a wreck than we are, as a society and church.
We can walk in the light of the truth, though, without fear. And this, coming from someone who is often assaulted by fears of all sorts, even as to run from speaking to people out of fear of rejection and pain, still.
I just know that we can. In Christ. Abiding in His love. Abiding in awareness of the truth of who He is. He allows me to do so, at times, and keeps me in that place.
Pain has helped with that, though the lessening of pain over the past couple days (even less today, yet gratefully) has again made room for energy given toward fears and anxiety. Rather than remaining consciously dependent upon Him.
But I remember, in part. And I'll trust Him to keep me, still, though I flounder.
Just...we can and are called to walk in awareness of the truth that He is God and He intends to lead us. He designed us for conscious dependence upon Him for direction and instruction. Defiance, rebellion...sin...attempts to assert otherwise, doubting His goodness and sovereignty. We're all guilty. Christ has made way, though.
And it's not about doing, still. It's about trusting Him. About knowing Him.
Not just knowing about Him. But knowing Him.
Give Him no peace until He answers, is all. Harass Him.
Ask and keep asking. And trust He'll answer. In due time.
If you're anything like me, there may be periods of desperate pleading followed immediately by total distraction with what appears in front of me to do. But, then, the very same pleas return to mind in what seems like a kind of routine fashion, again crying out for mercy. Again pleading with Him. Even if, again, being directed to other matters at hand, very quickly.
But, still, I'm not going to stop pleading with Him. Because He's going to keep reminding me to do so. And I'm very grateful for every opportunity thus provided.
Of the all, though, the main point of despair has been over seeing in myself and others a fundamental denial of the truth of our simultaneous reality. The same existence is true for all, but the delusion of sin has worked deeper and further denial of the truth--suppressed in unrighteous exaltation of false independence of mankind. Even unto denying spiritual reality, per unwillingness to submit to Him and to wait upon Him.
And even besides all that--He hasn't ceased the miraculous. He hasn't changed. Reality hasn't suddenly changed. We're His, still. He still delivers food via birds, for some.
And there is still some, if perhaps rare legitimate inspiration to speak in tongues. Though most may be demonic or a work of the flesh. It does happen as a work of God, too. But not without orderliness.
And He does still heal the incurable. He does still cast out demons--they flee at His voice. He does still preserve from poison, that it wouldn't even cause illness. And He does still raise the dead.
But when it's of Him, it's entirely directed and manifest by Him. Not to the glory or understanding or expectation of man.
But of God, alone.
There are some who claim to know Christ who blatantly scoff at and mock the idea of manifest expression of God's power through such acts, these days. Which...scares me. I have literally run from some, as such. And, otherwise, unless He so directs...there's no call to speak of such things.
And, regardless, I'm still bad about trying to tell Him what He needs to do and how He needs to intervene, too.
Rather than asking Him.
God is far more terrifying in His majesty than we could ever conceive. It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of a living God. And yet He loves us so much He took on flesh and endured the punishment due us, so that we could be restored to right relationship with Him.
So, why is it so difficult for us to only accept Him on His terms, when He was willing to make a way to return to Him by meeting us on ours?...and why is it so utterly avoided (not even considered, most often) that we would also wait for Him to direct us? I mean, yes, all those things go against the flesh in all ways. Requiring acknowledgment of the truth of who He is, and requiring patience and trust. And all these things do result in mockery, misunderstanding, and persecution...by the world and by those who ascribe to the tenets of the world's machinations.
But we're called to abide in Christ's love. Knowing the Father loves us even as He loves Jesus Christ, the son. We're called to surrender to Him, as trusting Him to lead and provide. Knowing He knows our every need, we're to seek Him first and acknowledge Him in all our ways...knowing He will and does provide and direct. Even as in differing ways, He provides--like with Paul learning to abide and thrive in both abundance and physical lack--learning through these seasons that he and we can do all thing in Christ, who strengthens us. He provides our spiritual needs as well, is all--in the midst of all.
So...
If His grace is sufficient and He is good and loves us, why do we fear?
If He leads us into and in all righteousness and truth, even for His name's sake, why do we strive to know good and evil per our own limited understanding?
If He is ever the voice telling us "This is the way, walk in it," why do we attempt to chart our lives and our steps?
Psalm 37:23
The steps of a man are established by the LORD, And He delights in his way.
Proverbs 16:1
The plans of the heart belong to man, But the answer of the tongue is from the LORD.
Proverbs 16:8
Better is a little with righteousness Than great income with injustice.
Proverbs 16:9The mind of man plans his way, But the LORD directs his steps.
Proverbs 19:21
Many plans are in a man's heart, But the counsel of the LORD will stand.
Proverbs 20:24
Man's steps are ordained by the LORD, How then can man understand his way?
Jeremiah 10:23
I know, O LORD, that a man's way is not in himself, Nor is it in a man who walks to direct his steps.
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