The past fews days would almost seem a dream, so serene, except that there's been continued assault on so many sides. And maybe that's how things were last week, too, in part.
Just not thinking so much, but trusting the Lord. Still, and for the past year+ have been praying about being crucified with Christ. Dead, since He died for all. Alive only in Him.
I want Him and have been asking Him for many months, intermittently, to let me see things as they are. There'd been times in the past when sight cleared for just a moment, only without having been sheltered in the Lord. So, utterly terrifying.
The way our lives go in this society is really, seriously strange, is all. We all take things completely for granted as being "normal," but without contemplating the truth of who God is. There's so much rushing around, so much pushing for various things that aren't needful, so much meaning given to things which aren't meaningful. So much and increasingly more distraction away from God. More and more focused on self.
It sounds as though things go this way, though. Being blessed and becoming prosperous in things of the world somehow tends to leave room for falling away. God's people did it, prior to Christ's coming, over and over.
I don't understand why, still..
...it is heart-breaking, then, that He lets us have what we will. When our hearts turn to things other than Him, and He lets us have them even as it means losing focus on Him for having become more focused on something else.
I'm just going to trust Him.
It's not as though I can do anything, anyway. And for all intents and purposes, it is written that I'm effectively dead, except for being alive in Christ. So anything that's trying to exalt itself against the knowledge of Christ isn't of Him and need not be heeded (moreover, ought not be heeded).
Slight different way of looking at things, along that line of thought. I have utterly no idea how He works through things, without us all being aware the process (probably has something to do with the fact that none of us exalt Him as He's due, thus insensate to discerning His ways to sufficient extent as to rejoice in seeing and knowing His work). But He does. All things, always. All things subsist in Him.
Also means, though, that nothing happens apart from Him. Even as, like with sin, He doesn't ordain all things...there are some which He permits. Still, only as He allows or directs.
Just wondering though, on what it would be to conform to His will, to be conformed to His will. Because there's something of that in being made His child, adopted through Christ. We're still being conformed, but yet He lives in us and is always with us, too. He directs our steps.
That's been largely a blind process. No idea what's going on, but as with the past couple weeks of resting in His sovereignty, His love, His peace...I know He's pleased with me, through Christ. And I know He directs my steps. And know He guards me from accidents (except for those which will be used by Him to varied ends), and He preserves me from my enemies (except as likewise to His purposes, which are good toward me).
Just...none of us who are His truly, even knowing we aren't our own...He will have His way in and through us, without our interruption.
I just come back to this odd bit of thinking, is all, whereby there's this sense of self-exaltation that arises enough again to have me begin believing I'm somehow capable of ousting or countermanding God's will, when I have asked Him and have wholeheartedly wanted to do His will. As though, somehow, despite that He has changed me I'm somehow capable of overpowering God.
This isn't to say I didn't try. That's the whole sin dilemma.
And the crux of that dilemma is precisely that it's not possible to countermand the will of God, effectively. He allows certain leeway, but there are well-defined consequences. Yet, still, He made way for us to be reconciled to Him, despite our willful defiance (defiance, to our own detriment).
And maybe that's the core of this, now. What is reconciliation with Him?
If we are reconciled to God through Christ Jesus, then what does that mean in terms of what we were restored into? As far as I can still tell, it's to fellowship, love, loving obedience, absolute and total conscious dependence. This, as being opposed to what the status quo is outside Christ--defiance, rebellion, hatred, disobedience, willfulness, self-exaltation as believing self capable of being as God (being able to discern right and wrong, primarily).
So, if the one is delusion and the other truth, then where do I stand in Christ? And what does it look like, in terms of daily life?
I'm just really dragging my feet about presenting the particular idea that's been going around, because it's so...simultaneously humiliating to sense of self while also causing to bow my head in reverent, stricken wonder that God would use such broken vessels.
There are two pictures of missions which had been the only I'd ever considered as existent (even considering there to be offshoots and variants from each type).
One, characterized by overt, dogmatic "going" and much activity geared toward "doing" and "being" as God would have--whether driven per what's revealed in His Word and by His Spirit or driven merely per an understanding of His Word:
International missions. Inner-city missions. Street preachers, for that matter. Just, particularly identifiable per blatant and obvious reaching out to others.
Secondly, as an initially or always quieter response--per practice of waiting upon God. Going and doing as He directly leads, per His Spirit and as confirmed by His Word. Whether into acts or works which are never seen nor heard nor known of by anyone apart from God, or into acts and works which eventually are built by God to a point of international impact. Either way, concerned with personal direction, though as seeking God to directly lead every step.
But it seems like there's a third "type" descriptive of all who are His: Unbeknownst us, we're being moved and used according to His Almighty, sovereign will. He leads without our awareness, directs our words and works without our knowledge. And even as He may prompt us to pray when we arrive somewhere or encounter someone or a circumstance, then for Him to've even seen fit to interpose one who is His--He's already actively involved Himself. Even as in the entire world.
It's a matter of perspective, is the point: I'm very big in my own eyes, except that I look at God and forget myself to some real extent.
Ultimately, living in Christ means I'm not my own anyway.
And there was a very minor battle over that, a few days ago. Something still wanted to argue there's something worthy of retaining and defending and coddling, of self...something of self worth being pursued: something worthy of justification apart from Christ moreover.
Which is a lie. Just took a few moments to remember what sin is and what it wrought, even as my Lord sacrified Himself to save me out of sin, then everything I was and am which was or is prone to sin is wretched and worthy of being put to death.
So anything which ever was or could be good in or of me, then, ultimately is only because of His mercy, His love for me, and is grace. Meaning, overall, that there's nothing of self worth salvaging, nothing of self which warrants justification, and nothing of self capable of doing anything good, except the Lord has intercede to redeem and transform into His likeness.
He's even been merciful enough to let me see how quickly I stray, even after having come to know and love Him...except that He continually intercedes and intervenes, mercifully, I would still be utterly lost as totally incapable of doing actual good apart from Him.
Seriously. I can't even manage to read Scripture consistently except that He directly intervene. Just haven't the will to do so--despite wanting to; haven't the strength--despite being given to things like this, here; and, the worst of all is that when He allows me the strength and will apart from also simultaneously keeping me humble, that which is of the flesh then begins seeming-immediately to become smug with self-satisfied self-righteousness for having done something "right." It's horrible.
So, there's nothing except to trust Him.
He does all the work which is good, in us and unto us and through us, otherwise no good would come. It's not just a matter of only being "partially" bad, but of matters which aren't wholly good only being redeemable as fit for His use as He redeems.
Anyways. Words.
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