I am powerless to change myself. My only deliverance and keeping is Christ, Himself. Resting in Him. Drawing nearer Him, ever nearer.
Which may seem somewhat contradictory--to be "in" and yet "draw nearer." But it's a matter of being pressed in on all sides by the world, by the flesh--by internal and external forces, physical and spiritual, mental and emotional.
Recently, the battle was too much and I succumbed to so many horrible tendencies. I was mean to people I care about--suspicious, clingy, as overall, fractious, self-righteous, and unstable. When the flesh rules in times of stress and trial, this has cyclically been how I'd acted out. Either that or simply broken, shattered emotionally, and so anxiety-ridden speech is nearly impossible. Or despairing unto death. Or perhaps other things--none of them good, none of them arisen out of nor founded upon a grasp on truth.
The truth is what frees. Truth frees from offense, from fear, from self-righteousness, from anger, from anxiety, from obsession, from despair, from lust, from greed, and from any and all else which binds us up and inspires so much self-exalting (or debasing--either way, self-focused) and destructive behaviors.
Jesus is truth. He is that which binds everything together and sustains everything in creation and existence. Going far enough in any sincere pursuit of understanding will lead to Him, because He is the ultimate. God is all, in all.
And we're all His creatures, His creation. We exist because of and depend upon Him, wholly. Whether we like it or not. Yet the further that is from conscious regard, conscious acknowledgment, the further we are from truth, the more bound by lies. Absolute truth is such that deviation or departure is a turning unto something else.
So, being distracted from Him again, in the midst of all many circumstances pulling at emotions and hopes and dreams and memories and concerns--learning to love others and stumbling along the while as being confronted by my own brokenness and sin...
...has mercifully come to another point of humble remembrance of His kind shepherding, in context of yet again being confronted with my own aptitude for wandering and my own obliviousness to what in truth is good for me, daily and circumstantially and in the midst of learning even to love and regard others well. Rather than still in a way which is so unhealthy and broken.
Which is part of being confronted with my fleshly tendencies, apart from constant conscious reliance upon Christ, of interaction--as unto the meanness which occurred.
Same as with every other sphere of life, I cannot interact with others without depending upon Him. There's no sphere of life which remains untouched by need of conscious dependence upon Him, surrendering consciously to the knowledge that the life I now live I live by faith in Him, having been crucified with Him (as Paul wrote), as it's not I but He who lives, now, having loved me and given Himself for me. Wholesale deliverance into His keeping, into His life.
And it comes that sanctification continues to be a progressive surrender of all the varied aspects and facets of self and life which, in fact and truth, are already fully His. But consciously surrendered, as unto walking in unity with Him and others.
There's been much, lately, about His desire that we would love one another as He has loved us. And He's again let me see that I am patently incapable of doing so, except through continual conscious surrender to Him, even as unto others at times, in love. Just, however He leads. Moment by moment.
So many things. And yet He never changes. He never leaves. Though my attention wanders, my heart strays...He is steadfast and I am so grateful Jesus keeps delivering me further and further. I miss Him, still. And yet He's not gone. He's gone nowhere. His Spirit is present, still, and His love. It's my own heart which has grown slightly harder again perhaps, more insensate against Him perhaps, for having lingered too long on other things, without surrender to Him. Wanting to grasp and cling and know and hold things for myself, rather than as unto Him. Rather than as seeking Him foremost and first, still, even in the midst.
So, I faltered. And hurt people I cared about as part of faltering, yet again.
Some of the blessed ones He's gifted me with current fellowship, ongoing, have again reminded me that He calls us to bear with one another in love. Because we do hurt one another, and yet are to love one another and forgive. And I've been told that I have to also surrender unforgiveness of myself in these matters to Him, too, as part of the process. The whole deal surrendered to Him. All of life, daily, then. And all of life and heart and soul and mind and strength, too, though it's beyond me to do so. But He works to will and to do His will, and He has let it be known that He continues His work until the day of His return, once begun. So, I will keep trusting Him and keep turning to Him with this. Grateful, though grieved. Confused, yet certain He'll guide.
