Friends Go the Extra Mile (By Grace, Alone)

Three things, tonight. Jesus's friends, the Good Samaritan, and going the extra mile.

What does it mean to do something "as unto the Lord?" If He calls, foremost, for love--self-sacrificial love toward Himself and others--then what is it to do anything as done unto Him, except in this spirit. By His Spirit, then. Love.

I'm not going to presently research again the practice of Roman rule wherein soldiers (or perhaps any Roman official?) could require a person to carry their belongings, their gear moreover, for a mile. Feel free to check it out, because my recollection may be a bit hazy. But from what I recall, the practice was one not only generally extremely degrading, debasing, and oft-accompanied by mockery and torments, but it was exceedingly laborious--a heavy burden. I'm not sure how much a soldier's gear weighed, but not light at all. (Otherwise, why even bother someone else to carry it?)

Romans were permitted to require someone to carry their gear for up to a mile, per person, from what I've understood. Under such conditions as, again, perhaps entailed mockery and torment along the journey. We might contemplate Simon of Cyrene, along this, in terms of being required to carry the Lord's own burden by soldiers attending Him. Consider, though, if our foremost call is to love, then what spirit are we called to carry such burden in? And by which spirit are we called to offer and to go a second mile?

Not out of spite. Not to esteem ourselves. But further subjugating ourselves--counting another more esteemed, counting our own trials light, and calling it joy to suffer to serve: In love. With love. Out of love. Or otherwise, turned our heart is against the God who calls us to love, foremost (out of which arises obedience, even as obedience signifies love's presence).

Enduring and surrendering self-will to God's call to serve others as He has served us is our calling. He came as a servant. And by His work, we're now free to likewise serve. By His Spirit dwelling in us, we're able.

The root Hebrew word used in Genesis 2:15, translated various ways as work, cultivate, till, and so forth...is in other places written and translated "serve." Even also sometimes written as signifying slavery, being in bonds. And with particular context, particular cognate interprets as "perform acts of worship." An action of service, working, tilling, cultivating, as in bonds...worshipping.

Why not?

Our spiritual act of worship: Setting all we are before Him--every broken shard of our being, shattered bit of our heart, each aching limb--as to do the work of service, as worshipping Him.

He didn't resent nor despise nor turn away from His disciples, knowing they didn't understand Him and were intimidated by Him--sometimes outright terrified of Him. Not even knowing they'd turn their backs on Him, at various points, betraying Him with words and with actions. No, He didn't turn from them at all--never loved them any less. Instead, He called them friends. He loved them no less, knowing their fickleness and sometime duplicity.

Jesus still laid down His life for them--for us. And we have none been kind to Him, on the whole. We've all despised Him and betrayed Him and scorned Him and spurned Him and looked askance at His mercies, at His grace, at His love. But He loves us, still. No less than He ever has or will. Constant. And He bids us come to Him and lay down our burdens: take up His yoke, which is easy--for His burden is light. Meek and lowly of heart, He said. And He didn't esteem Himself. The Father has exalted Him. And He bids us come to Him. Lay down our lives and give them up to Him. Even as giving them up, as He leads, unto one another.

No matter the grief. No matter the pain: He bore it and will carry us through.

He bids us come.

So to be able to go the extra mile. And to pray blessings on our enemies--not so that they'll have brimstone rained down, but so that the warmth of stoked coals will be a blessing to warm their thoughts, their own hearts. That warmth come to mind, then to heart, may be carried home unto quiet moments alone with God--so may they carry the warmth of His love home with them to their own hearths, that He might stoke a fire unto reconciliation and redemption.

Forsaking care for self, then, we serve with great love--self set aside in compassion for the battered lives of those around us. No matter despising, no matter pain, no matter what's to come. Just to love and serve, as He bids and permits and ordains. Like as the Good Samaritan, who cast aside any thought of his own danger in approaching the wounded man. And who further cast aside care for himself by entering forbidden territory to seek the care of the one he carried. I'd heard his entering the inn compared to an Indian finding a wounded American in the "pioneering days"--casting aside care for himself and what would likely be assumed, carrying him into a saloon and begging help. Without regard for what happened to himself, on all fronts--moved wholly by compassion for the one found wounded. He, in essence, laid down his life for that man.

And said he'd return to settle accounts for anything lacking, thus ensuring a second chance at his own loss of wellbeing...per entering hostile territory, yet again.

And much the same, what would it have meant socially for a Jew to go out of his way to carry a Roman's burden twice the distance required by law, and to do so out of charity?: Much despising, at the very least. If not ostracism from those nearest him, ultimately.

To act in these ways without ulterior motive--moved only by love and compassion, though? That's of the Lord.

What is love, though, but laying down one's life for others--even moment by moment in service, in solidarity, in compassion, in prayer? Howsoever the Lord leads. No matter the circumstances. But it must be His leading, or otherwise goes amiss: Otherwise, worldly ideologies attempt to spring up in the heart and machinations may begin to hold sway--doing something to earn favor, rather than out of love of God and love of others.

That would only sow disease into the mix. Self-will cannot effect good, being inherently self-seeking.
Love does not seek its own.

To the altar, then, with hopes, with dreams, with the longings of a restless, broken heart. He wounds to heal, and His salve soothes beyond reckoning, though grief lingers still.

There's much to grieve in this world. So much to grieve, even seeing the pain of others.

And I wonder: While He grieved in the garden, what of it was for the pain to come and to be borne, and yet what of it was over all which required His work be done at all: From a pure heart, whatever arose. Full of love, abounding in mercy. Grace and peace, to us all.

Self-Will vs. Waiting

God's Spirit and guidance are unto loving obedience--not control, shame, and the weight/guilt/burden of disapproval, unto complacent, cowed, rigid, or fearful adherence. Obedience along latter is like the servant who hid his master's money because he "knew his master to be a ruthless man who gathered where he did not sow." Not necessarily malicious obedience, but completely in that direction as not  loving obedience. His obedience was driven by fear and self-interest. And there is something of contempt for his master in the way he calls him a "hard man," discounting any kindness and further undermining the master's right to gather where does not sow.

Maybe we get confused around the point of fear, as part of the problem: God is fearful in majesty and power. His strength and wisdom are perfect, unassailable and are terrifying to consider. And to know who He is sufficient to fear Him is the beginning of wisdom, of understanding, of knowledge. But it doesn't end there: His greatest commandment to us isn't that we fear Him and cower before Him, obeying. His greatest commandment is not that we submit to Him out of awe-struck terror at His power and worthiness of obedience. No.

His greatest commandment is that we love Him. With everything we are. And Jesus said everything else depends upon whether we love Him as such: all things else are built upon, rest upon the fulfillment of this commandment. So if we're not loving Him and obeying out of love, then we're not being obedient on any front, because obedience to any other law can only occur as arising out of and solidly upon obedience to any law upon which it rests and from which it derives: He isn't interested in sacrificial obedience full of obligatory concession or resentment or desire to gain His approval or engendering self-accomplishment for having attained to the "letter of the law." It's not the letter of the law which is unto obedience, but the Spirit of the law which is: Even as writing the law upon our hearts. Not merely our minds. Our minds are being transformed by His Word, by His Spirit...but it's the law written on our hearts which is His teaching unto obedience. And that is of love: Casting down idols and everything that would exalt itself against Him, loving God first and with everything.

Even as the next greatest commandment is still of love: Loving others. And it doesn't matter if we give absolutely everything we are and have to actions which benefit others, if we don't love, it's empty, lipservice.

Jesus says everything depends on those laws, though. All the law and the prophets. So, again, if everything depends on those two commandments, then without fulfilling them--no matter how conformed things might seem to the letter of the law, obedience is lacking.

And we know, according to what's written, that neither do we know our own hearts nor can we change them (except if hardening them, moreover): David asked again and again for the Lord to test his heart and thoughts and asked Him to create a new, clean heart in him. If David were capable of doing these things, himself, why ask God? Knowing he couldn't, he asked the One who can.

It's written that God Himself is the one who puts a new heart in us: Hearts of flesh for hearts of stone. Yet I find myself continually tempted back toward that same hardness, tempted to engage in the ways of the world as are unto hard-heartedness. Self-will being of the utmost of that. Even still, now, of having no idea how to bear up, still, how to bear the grief and the shame and disgrace. How to continue. And still to know things will be worse before ever better. There's such temptation to do as I used to do, to turn away from truth for the sake of living with a delusion that makes it easier to pretend wellness as not to discomfit anyone and as to have an easier time going forward. But I won't forsake the Lord. I love Him.

Yesterday, the Lord turned thoughts to Saul. Discussing my sin and wanting to turn away and do things according to what I want, according to what would be easier...because I don't see what's wrong with the plans I've presented to the Lord, of evading all matters present and going off into obscurity and abject isolation. But unto serving Him more freely, you see.

But to mind came the conversation between Samuel and Saul after Saul had for the second time seriously disobeyed the Lord by refusing to wait for Samuel to offer the offering to God. Saul felt justified in going before God's ordained time, against express direction: Samuel was supposed to be there at a particular time but wasn't, things were pretty intense in terms of time being of the essence so to move forward, and Saul apparently believed the primary matter of importance was to fulfill the external actions required by God (making sacrifice to Him) without concern about the spirit in which sacrifice in required (as heartfelt trust in and reliance upon God, outwardly evidenced per loving obedience and waiting upon Him for guidance). Saul deviated entirely from what was intended by refusing to wait on God per refusal to wait on Samuel...per taking matters into his own hands rather than trusting in and waiting upon God.

He reasoned that as long as the external actions required to "appease God" were fulfilled (this course of action evidences such ideology), it didn't overtly matter how they were completed nor by whom. He apparently reasoned that as long as he had a good reason for not waiting, it wouldn't matter if he did what he thought was best--time was of the essence, after all. He reasoned it was more important to be externally complicit than undertake difficulty of trusting and waiting in obedience. In so doing, Saul's "obedience" was unacceptable to God, come out of a heart of rebellion, stubbornness, self-will, impatience: Saul made it clear he had decided he knew better than God did what needed to be done, and he enacted that decision by fulfilling the letter of the law which God had codified as Scripture while his heart was turned so far from God that (as Samuel let him know) he then and thusly was entirely rejected as king.

Through Samuel, God called this rebellion witchcraft. And said refusing to obey is idolatry--being no different from worshipping a statue, as disobedience breaks God's Word when taking matters into our own hands, per being so self-willed as to believe we're capable of knowing right and wrong without waiting upon God's revelation of His Word, His will, His ways, Himself...His guidance. Stubbornness, in all. Arrogance. Defiant hearts. Even if offering lipservice to him--bringing offerings of praise and having his Word sharply in mind and at the ready all while engaged in worship which only superficially hearkens to His Scripture, His laws--if hearts aren't driven by love of Him and loving desire for His will no matter the cost to self, we rebel. No matter the pain, and even requiring Him to help bear up, we must wait without regard for the amount of time required for our Father to make clear the way before us. Saul failed this--he esteemed and conceded the letter of the law, but because he believed God had not acted when he was supposed to (Samuel was late, Saul needed to offer the offering and get on with business), he took matters into his own hands, which was rebellion. Saul was refused by God for refusing to submit to the ever-present call to wait upon God's direct intervention and guidance. He adhered to the letter of the law but did not wait upon God, Himself.

So Saul deviated from God's direct guidance direly--Saul deviated from seeking God's will, instead seeking his own. And not for the first time. He'd refused to obey God's direction to put to death all those at a previous site of attack, specifically all cattle and rulers. Whether Saul was telling the truth about "saving cattle to offer to Samuel's God" is very doubtful but ultimately irrelevant--Saul had already lied by saying he was going to do obey God. then doing what he thought best, instead. Saul just refused to submit his heart to God. He refused to obey, but walked in the way that seemed right and seemed best to himself--even attempting to try to weasel out of guilt by saying he had disobeyed because he wanted to honor God in another way. But a way of his own choosing, rather than God's way. That's not what God requires of us. So, Saul erred against God despite God's blessings. And with flagrant disregard of them, moreover, as having disregard for God. If we are to know God and walk with Him, we do so on His terms and not on our own terms. Period.

Saul's heart was so hardened against God that he didn't even care he'd been defiant, at the last--didn't care he was rejected by God after refusing to wait for Samuel to make the offering. His only concern was that no one know about God's decree--He didn't want to be publicly shamed and humiliated. He wanted to maintain an image. He wanted to continue to pretend things were fine. Other than that, Saul expressed no serious concerns.

And he did pretend things were fine. He was all sorts of delusional and self-deluded: All through the rest of what's spoken of Saul, there's no apparent dis-ease between himself and his people until things really get heated over David.

Well, if you don't count the fact that the entire Israeli army refused to stand against Goliath, out of fear of man...
And if you don't count the fact that the entire nation was fine with going on a rabid man-hunt for a single individual who had not ever actually erred against the king...
And whatever else along these lines. Which, really, are all signs of serious disease, socially. Politically.

Which should probably count the conspiracies and plots and the like which started to arise in the ranks, too, as Saul maintained his delusion that things were well and that "his kingdom" was his own to defend against David (including one which resulted in the slaughter of so many priests). Saul's attempt to defend the kingdom against David was an attempt to prevent against God's will, thus against God Himself, moreover. And the more clear it became that David was Israel's king, the more Saul raged against the truth. Only in brief moments of clarity regarding God's sovereign provision for himself--as wherein David had Saul's life in his hand and did not take it, did not dishonor God--did Saul have anything akin to an awakening to truth of God's present keeping and sovereignty despite his willfulness and rebellion. But Saul returned to his plotting and defiance, still. Even becoming so double-minded and delusional as to take on a disguise to seek the counsel of a necromancer, ultimately, in the guise of seeking God as attempting to speak with Samuel. Rather than actually turning to God, though superficially "turning toward God" by "seeking Samuel's counsel" Saul was effectively actually turning so much further away from Him. He was acting with utmost defiance against God and acting as though he could hide himself in the process. So deluded, so hardhearted. So blind. Though still considering himself well.

It's all like a lot of what's going on in all of us, really. In our countries, fellowships, lives. We're really unwell, at this point. We killing the unborn as though with total impunity. We institutionalize and excuse sin, likewise. We slander the innocent and are rationalize oppressing the outcast as acceptable behaviors. All of which constitutes esteeming ourselves and our plans, expecting God to bless them if in accord with His will or make them fall to pieces if they're not. We do what we do and expect Him to be okay with it, or otherwise let us know. Rather than waiting on Him to guide. We're afraid He won't lead us, it seems. Or maybe just really don't want Him to, because we know it does actually mean having to submit to Him whether we like it or not--through the fires of affliction, through the valley of the shadow of death, through persecutions and shame and torment within and without.

But we do so many things in such a way as though we believe God truly doesn't see or care.

But He does. On every count. And He's not mute and incapacitated from guiding us. He's not incapable of interacting with us and guiding us each, personally. Otherwise we'd be in a sore place.

Just, the world is wholly set against that reality--denying the truth of His direct, individual involvement allows us to rationalize not waiting upon His guidance, allows us to rationalize planning according to our own understanding, allows us to be ruler of our own lives and hearts so long as we maintain external appearance of complicity to His will as revealed in Scripture. He's so merciful, though. So merciful. He doesn't out and out destroy us for these things, whereas He would be justified in doing so. And He doesn't leave us to our own devices, either. He leads, despite them. Or none of us would be led, moreover, because we're all a work in progress.

Rather, those who are His own, He continually cleanses, chastises, and corrects. Helping to see more clearly the need to draw near to Him and rest in Him for all direction and sufficiency. Finding instruction by His Word, per His Spirit and not per our own understanding. He leads, though.

Submit to God, Choose to Remember, Seek Justice

Writing helps. Remembering the Lord openly and sharing what He's showing me, what He's revealing, what He's teaching...helps. These past couple days, there've been so many things become more clear, in terms of the parallels of modern society with what He describes of His people's straying...and of their faith. I haven't written it all down, and so much of it has come and gone in the haze that's continued. But I've been grateful for His fellowship.

He has been allowing me insight regarding delusion and hardheartedness which arises from refusing to endure grief, sorrows, hardship, suffering, and confusions--from refusing to submit them to Him and walk through, with Him beside. Instead, we choose lies instead of holding onto truth so very often. Lies unto delusion, unto hardheartedness. Lies unto bitterness. Lies, unto a lack of keen feeling. Such delusion seems less painful. Is less of a struggle to endure. Lies also allow for less disagreement between opposing views. Lies allow for avoiding disapproval. And especially when the disapproval is come from others we esteem, lies to ourselves and to others permit us to have a false sense of approval and security in the company of others: Supervisors, parents, bosses, mentors, spiritual leaders.

So not only can lies "help us escape" from pain and suffering, there's ofttimes less friction in social circumstances if we choose lies rather than submitting to truth. Because truth is unwavering. Truth is unyielding. Truth can be shared with the utmost love, but if something is truth, then it cannot compromise or otherwise it becomes something other than truth. In a world where we sinfully determine our own course--believing ourselves capable of discerning right and wrong without waiting on God's guidance--refusing to give in to the pressure to yield (especially when openly waiting on and submitting to God) especially infuriates.

Like of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. They honored the Lord in their hearts and thus weren't able to bow to Nebuchadnezzar (or his statue, moreover) as god. They couldn't bow to his statue. Not out of defiance, but because of their love for and worship of the Lord.

And when they were taken before the king to answer for their lack of worship, they spoke very simply. Not out of defiance. They didn't boast that God was going to certainly deliver them out of the hand of a tyrant. They simply acknowledged that God was God, alone, and they couldn't bow to another. And they acknowledged that God was capable of saving them, while simultaneously acknowledging that He is God, alone, even if He chose not to deliver them.

In the face of death--in the face of the king so proud and haughty and domineering that he had a kingdom bowing to a statue of him as their god, at intervals--they submitted to God, honored God, and even attested they whether He saved them or not He was the only true God.

They committed themselves into God's hands, doing so--cast themselves wholly on His mercy, out of loving devotion. And I know it was loving devotion, because the Lord calls the greatest law to be that we love Him--and He has honored the devotion of these men for all time by recording this instance of their submission to Him and His deliverance.

So there wasn't a disagreement and unwillingness to yield borne out of defiance of self-assurance. These men wanted to be obedient to God. And obedience is of the heart, or it's not obedience (Isaiah 29:13): So, their refusal to worship was borne out of love, desiring God's will be done, casting all else upon God's discretion, casting themselves wholly upon His mercy and loving Him no less whether He allowed them to perish in the fire or delivered them. Yet doesn't He say He will be with us in the fire--He joins us therein, allows our bonds be disintegrated, and delivers us to a greater freedom than before.

Thinking on all this, as I'm really struggling not to be taken by bitterness, really struggling not to give in to willful forgetfulness. Uncomfortable truths are true, regardless how uncomfortable. And I'd rather rest in the Lord and suffer grief, clinging to truth, than allow comforting lies to arise in my heart. Lies don't help anyone, ultimately, but at least the Lord is faithful to forgive us when we return to Him and ask. And He will deliver those who are His, and teach us how not to do these things.

Just...He's teaching me how to go about not lying to (id est, deluding) myself in order to avoid pain, right now. Suppressing memories just because they're painful, pretending things never happened, isn't something that allows for picking and choosing what stays and what goes. And while it's been my only means of continuing to function through much life, I have the Lord to help me, now. And He has been. He's been carrying me through, as well as literally, for a week now. And still. If people had any idea the extent...

He's teaching me to be able to endure grief and unfairness and being wronged without seeking my own way or seeking to otherwise assert myself. Teaching how to trust Him in the midst, showing His faithfulness and His sufficiency. And He's showing me all the ways I'd been surviving which were damaging me and leading to damage unto others. So, although I would prefer to hide my shame and pretend it doesn't exist and hasn't happened, let alone the heartbreak and grief of loss, ever so much the pain then there's all the more reason not to hide nor repress these things because doing so is unto delusion, unto hardheartedness. Thus allowing the pain to otherwise fester, less openly, become something that offers a foothold to the enemy.

They enemy is having enough of a heyday with my grief, right now, as it is. I haven't the energy to give in to shame, and the Lord has borne my shame anyway. So, the temptation to give in and suppress memory is such an open door for the enemy. If I give into the temptation to deny truth, unto temptation to suppress or repress memory, I give room for bitterness, for anger, for resentment, for self-seeking, for pity, for all many things more to come in. I'm so grateful Jesus is so faithful and constant. He even let me lose the pack of cigarettes I had, a few hours ago. No idea what happened to them. Still not even sure they're lost. But I couldn't find them and haven't the strength of will or mind to continue searching. So that's done again before even really starting. I'm very grateful.

Just...He's faithful.

I trust Him.

Another thing about bringing light into a situation full of shadows is that those things which lurk in darkness tend to get pretty angry. Violently angry, sometimes. Like Nebuchadnezzar did. He was so infuriated that people were effectively murdered just per course of enacting the punishment he decreed upon those who dared defy him. That's pretty angry. But, again, the thing is--they weren't acting against Nebuchadnezzar in concerted defiance against him, rather their submission to God was unto inability to submit to Nebuchadnezzar. Which...effectively meant they defied Nebuchadnezzar's decree, but out of submission to God...not out of a spirit of defiance against Nebuchadnezzar. And that's vital. They submitted to God, so their actions were as unto Him. So He was the defense they sheltered under, as such.

If we're acting simply on our own merit, according to our own understanding, by our own strength, we have no defense or justification for ourselves. We can call various things to mind, but we can't ultimately defend ourselves. God is the only actual defense. Submitting to Him. And that arises simply out of the fact that He is truth, and He is just. And all justice and truth are of Him and from Him or they aren't justice, they aren't truth. No matter what anyone says or does, otherwise. Things and matters might otherwise call themselves truth and justice, but unless they arise as a matter of a heart being submitted to Him and His ways, there's deviance from God's law at the outset, thus from His ways and nature, then deviant from truth and justice too. He's the one who, in His wisdom, created these things. He is the one who orders them. And He's the one who calls their limits. Of all law, of all truth, of all justice. And He is concerned with out hearts, not merely our actions.

So, to whatever extent we've deviated from God, we've effectively deviated from truth and justice, too. And as best I can tell from what I read and from what He's revealed to me, even of myself, I don't ever have the faintest clue how far that happens to be except to note that the last time He allowed me significant insight into my sinfulness--as an overview of my "sanctified self"--I am so utterly wretched and sin-stained and marred that it's all I can do to collapse on Him in wonder that He would even entreat me, let alone love me and call me His own. Just...yeah--we don't know our own hearts. We don't know our own minds, either, though. The intentions of our hearts and our most well-intended plans all are so convoluted and twisted and influenced by all the many years of sin and deviation that we just don't have clarity at all. We just don't. He, alone, gives us bits and pieces of it, over time. Revealing, as we seek. But all the further we stray from Him, the more deluded we become. And if we choose to actively refuse to retain truth in our hearts and minds, then how deep that darkness becomes...while all the while, we're fed on our own delusions, believing our own lies.

Just, if we don't actually know where we stand--whether feasting on lies unto unknown depths of delusion or seeking truth yet still being delivered out of the delusions wrought per sin--how could we hope to defend our position?...moreover, defend it as relative to what? Whereas, we know God is perfectly just and we know He is wholly true. He is unassailable. While our positions are wholly indefensible, comparatively. And our positions are otherwise ultimately undeterminable if only viewed as relative to varied, similarly shifting others--but God's position is wholly unwavering. He is the only true defense, as such.

There has to be a fixed point from which one can build a defense, in order to defend anything, is all. Otherwise, defense is merely relative to the perspectives of others, which shift dependent upon varying interpretation or mood or relative determination of what justice even means. In situations as such, there can be no true justice. Just as there can be no truth without an absolute from which it arises, no justice can come except that there is an absolute ideal from which it is being derived and according to which it is being sought.

And this lattermost is all very piecemeal, and I still don't entirely understand it. I really didn't intend to write about justice and except for reading Isaiah and...well, there are things which are seriously unjust which are going on. But these are things I generally tend to just cast upon the Lord, entirely, because I'm so bereft of all things meaningful to the world. And all the moreso, now. But this is here for now. There's something still which is missing, regarding attempt to defend oneself apart from God. Rather than submitting to Him, and trusting Him as one's defense. Which is a very solemn path. Very solemn. Or maybe it's here, now. I'm not sure. I'm just done right now. Maybe to walk, now.

Seek justice, love mercy, walk humbly with your God.
(Michael 6:7-8)

Psalm 37 & Safety in Surrender

Do not worry because of evildoers,
Nor be envious toward wrongdoers;
2 
For they will wither quickly like the grass,
And fade like the green herb.
3 
Trust [rely on and have confidence] in the Lord and do good;
Dwell in the land and feed [securely] on His faithfulness.
4 
Delight yourself in the Lord,
And He will give you the desires and petitions of your heart.
5 
Commit your way to the Lord;
Trust in Him also and He will do it.
6 
He will make your righteousness [your pursuit of right standing with God] like the light,
And your judgment like [the shining of] the noonday [sun].

7 
Be still before the Lord; wait patiently for Him and entrust yourself to Him;
Do not fret (whine, agonize) because of him who prospers in his way,
Because of the man who carries out wicked schemes.
8 
Cease from anger and abandon wrath;
Do not fret; it leads only to evil.
9 
For those who do evil will be cut off,
But those who wait for the Lord, they will inherit the land.
10 
For yet a little while and the wicked one will be gone [forever];
Though you look carefully where he used to be, he will not be [found].
11 
But the humble will [at last] inherit the land
And will delight themselves in abundant prosperity and peace.

12 
The wicked plots against the righteous
And gnashes at him with his teeth.
13 
The Lord laughs at him [the wicked one—the one who oppresses the righteous],
For He sees that his day [of defeat] is coming.
14 
The wicked have drawn the sword and bent their bow
To cast down the afflicted and the needy,
To slaughter those who are upright in conduct [those with personal integrity and godly character].
15 
The sword [of the ungodly] will enter their own heart,
And their bow will be broken.

16 
Better is the little of the righteous [who seek the will of God]
Than the abundance (riches) of many wicked (godless).
17 
For the arms of the wicked will be broken,
But the Lord upholds and sustains the righteous [who seek Him].
18 
The Lord knows the days of the blameless,
And their inheritance will continue forever.
19 
They will not be ashamed in the time of evil,
And in the days of famine they will have plenty and be satisfied.
20 
But the wicked (ungodly) will perish,
And the enemies of the Lord will be like the [c]glory of the pastures and like the fat of lambs [that is consumed in smoke],
They vanish—like smoke they vanish away.
21 
The wicked borrows and does not pay back,
But the righteous is gracious and kind and gives.
22 
For those blessed by God will [at last] inherit the land,
But those cursed by Him will be cut off.

23 
The steps of a [good and righteous] man are directed and established by the Lord,
And He delights in his way [and blesses his path].
24 
When he falls, he will not be hurled down,
Because the Lord is the One who holds his hand and sustains him.
25 
I have been young and now I am old,
Yet I have not seen the righteous (those in right standing with God) abandoned
Or his descendants pleading for bread.
26 
All day long he is gracious and lends,
And his descendants are a blessing.

27 
Depart from evil and do good;
And you will dwell [securely in the land] forever.
28 
For the Lord delights in justice
And does not abandon His saints (faithful ones);
They are preserved forever,
But the descendants of the wicked will [in time] be cut off.
29 
The righteous will inherit the land
And live in it forever.
30 
The mouth of the righteous proclaims wisdom,
And his tongue speaks justice and truth.
31 
The law of his God is in his heart;
Not one of his steps will slip.
32 
The wicked lies in wait for the righteous
And seeks to kill him.
33 
The Lord will not leave him in his hand
Or let him be condemned when he is judged.
34 
Wait for and expect the Lord and keep His way,
And He will exalt you to inherit the land;
[In the end] when the wicked are cut off, you will see it.

35 
I have seen a wicked, violent man [with great power]
Spreading and flaunting himself like a cedar in its native soil,
36 
Yet he passed away, and lo, he was no more;
I sought him, but he could not be found.
37 
Mark the blameless man [who is spiritually complete], and behold the upright [who walks in moral integrity];
There is a [good] future for the man of peace [because a life of honor blesses one’s descendants].
38 
As for transgressors, they will be completely destroyed;
The future of the wicked will be cut off.
39 
But the salvation of the righteous is from the Lord;
He is their refuge and stronghold in the time of trouble.
40 
The Lord helps them and rescues them;
He rescues them from the wicked and saves them,
Because they take refuge in Him.

...

Blessed to spend time discussing recent events, then praying, with a sister in the Lord. One thing she remarked the Lord's recently been working in her heart has also been something He's worked on me regarding. There's the tendency to "give Him options" when requesting prayer.

But that's not the way of things. He knows what He's doing. We don't. He doesn't need us to tell Him how to do what needs doing, nor to give Him insight on what might be best suited to effect a particular desired end. As unto salvation, even.

He knows what's necessary. And she pointed out that He never goes with one of her options. Same, here. Though there've been a couple times when it's almost seemed like He had, and then other times when a longer-range view of things included particular desired ends. But not apparent from the outset, whatsoever.

Things with family have been of this, though there's still such brokenness and distance that to say it's in process is beyond me. Except that I know the Lord. And I know He's capable of all things. And no matter what a circumstance looks like, I know that He's faithful and just to answer those things as requested according to His will. Though it looks like things are utterly and horribly at an end, on all fronts--same as it has, but increasingly so for a while--I walk by faith, not by sight.

So effectively losing them, of a sort, per pursuing Christ and being called out of darkness, out of compromise with sin...has meant grief. But I trust Him. I don't have to know how He's going to work things out. But I know that the judge of all the earth will do what's right.

And in midst of that, His help and rescue from the wicked hasn't looked like what I'd want nor like what I had hoped. But rescue and help, nonetheless, and unto a greater trust in Him. Rather than continuing in ways I'd thought would be "better," but which wouldn't have required my dependence upon Christ and deepening love of Him, per relative isolation with Him.

Forsaking all else, then I realized myself in other darkness, still. Which again was delivered unto isolation--leaving behind everyone I cared for, effectively, again. But unto cleaving to the Lord as stepping out in faith, having prayed over all the matters to a point of receiving confirmation again and again.

I refused to move from family at first. I was so uncertain of what His will was, I insisted if He would have me move then for the sake of ensuring obedience I longed not to desire to move nor seek to move nor plan to move nor hope to move. Forsaking these things, in favor of submitting to Him and waiting upon Him. And He had to work surrender in my heart, unto acceptance of the circumstances. But once He did, then He moved me. Just per walking in truth and surrender--trusting and surrendering the entire situation to Him.

I resigned myself to whatever He would allot, trusting He would keep me in the midst of it all. And once I did so, once it was wholehearted, He delivered me. Trusting Him all the while, though.

Same it was for the odd place landed, next. Public proclamation that I would have Christ, no matter the cost, even if to lose absolutely everyone dear to me. Even if it meant walking away from everyone, again, for sake of honoring Him. And trusting Him, still, to direct.

And He did. And as oddness became more apparent, as His preservation of me through the midst of the strangeness being taught became less present...I cast myself on His mercy, and did leave. Though He led me to speak to a handful of people, at the going, as to discuss reason for leaving.

Deliverance is through surrender. His rescue seems to come as He's sought as the sole refuge, forsaking all else. Doing whatever He sets before us, along that while. But casting all cares and hopes and fears upon Him--embracing whatever His will may be--all the while. No help comes, apart from Him.

And help certainly hasn't looked like I've wanted it to, in terms of family. I thought rescue would come through being justified by Him, in the midst, as unto repentance and solidarity in His Spirit. Which...looking back on it, that is so self-exalting. I'm glad He didn't yield that. It would have puffed me up all sorts.

But that result is what I expected. I expected rescue to come per way of letting truth be known to be truth and no longer denied. Rather than they would continue to consider me demon-possessed, "turned against them" as no longer utterly complacent. I expected He would rescue by changing the situation per changing others, rather than taking me out of the situation and changing me.

He knows what's best, though. And, ultimately and truly, knowing Him and loving Him and submitting to Him, as we were created to do, is what's best: As unto reconciliation with right order. Unto true healing. Unto true peace, even in the midst of whatever other storms come. Even when He has to carry us over the waves, as we've not retained strength enough to hold His hand and walk beside.

Another thing discussed was distinction between religious affectations and actual service of God. As from last night's reading, even. We can pretend all sorts of things, in terms of following the letter of the law, in terms of adapting our lives to reflect what we read in Scripture. But it's the heart that is God's concern, foremost. The right actions come out of a wrong heart are still wrong. A bad tree can't produce good fruit. Just can't. No matter what it looks like.

And there's an underlying ideology inherent that approach to the Lord which is unconsciously remarking, "I'll submit to You, but I'm doing it my way--according to how I understand You intend me to do things." That's an attempt to maintain sovereign right to one's own life, heart, and understanding. It is an attempt to be co-regent of one's life, alongside Christ: Refusing to concede to His sovereignty, moreover.

We all have that in us, which is sin. We all do it. He has to deliver us out of these things, out of the sinful, fleshly tendencies to believe we know what's right, to believe we are capable of discerning right in our own strength by our own means, by testing according to our own minds and hearts. But that's dark waters--believing we can know right and wrong according to our intellect: No one knows their own heart, it's written. So, only the Lord knows our hearts and our thoughts, truly. And if we don't know the depths of the darkness within our hearts and minds, how could we expect light will arise from them apart from His active work?--how could we expect to discern right and wrong merely according to our own understanding and intentions?

That was the original temptation--to know good and evil, as to become independent of God in discerning matters. To be as Him.

Instead, we're called to wait upon Him, to seek to know who He is, to seek to understand His ways, and just to trust Him to guide in what's right and instruct in His truths/precepts/laws all the while. Through surrender, we are guided. In rest is our salvation. Producing fruit through our union with Him, His laws written on our hearts.

And then He exalts us to a position of absurd heights, but at the point of our abject surrender: As we seek His will, alone, He makes us coheirs with Christ. Which isn't ever unto seeking our own will, but loving His law and will, entirely submitted and surrendered to Him. Someday. He will complete the work He begins in us.

Unto humility, then. Abject humility.
He alone can work this out in us. Any attempt otherwise is inherently self-exalting.
But even to truly desire humility is a gift from Him: We wouldn't truly think to desire humility, let alone sincerely desire it, unless He caught our heart and thoughts on the matter.

I'm just praying for a friend who has recently expressed desire for humility.
The Lord is gentle. He is kind.

Manipulations of the Heart vs. Submission to God

After posting this last night, I was convicted regarding the seeds of bitterness which had been permitted the beginnings of root, along bits of the contemplations. Thus, to more prayerfully revise. I used to ask Him whether to write, at all. Now I trust Him to help, along the while. And still lack so much, still falter so much. But He'll guide and guard and keep us each, or otherwise we'd have no hope at all.

The battle is impossible, except the Lord restrain and constrain and deliver and keep...and direct thoughts, speech, actions, and all else. Just, there seems no place quite like suffering and grief where He does the work He does, of provision and cleansing and clarifying, but where also the enemy attempts to run rampant and wreak complete, constant havoc.

Not a moment passes without temptation to turn toward hardening my heart (in a variety of ways, temptation to this effect) even unto succumbing to willful forgetfulness and denial of what's passed, so to lessen the pain. It would be "easier," in terms of lessening pain at present, to give into the pressure to believe I've been mistaken in assessing circumstances, prior, of express intent. Rather than to bear brunt of pain of being lied to, even if the one lying believes it's so, having succumbed to these very same temptations. Either way, then, an end. Just one without abandoning truth, despite the pain of not understanding and of having to bear the brunt of loss entirely alone. Versus giving into lies which would delude and thus offer a temporary solace of...delusion, yeah. It eases present pains. Delusion makes it easy to accept anything, because nothing is sacred and everything can be rationalized as potentially correct. But unto further hardness of hard and turning from God, moreover.

To remark thus without bitterness is not of me, but trusting the Lord with these things. And praying all the while for the other, seeing myself so easily falling prey to the very same. A constant battle, and I'm not under near as much pressure.

Rejection isn't easy, wherever it comes, though. No matter the reason.

And there is the ongoing cry that arises both of the flesh and also from the enemy that "it's not fair," which seeks to get me to assert self as unto grasping at "what is mine"--of emotional matters (like unto resentment, defiance), of perspective (as unto what would permit seeking my own will rather than God's, like unto running rather than bearing through). These things unto bitterness against others, ultimately. And I falter on that line more than any other, maybe (I falter on so many lines, it's hard to tell which is the most common fault). I falter in wanting to not esteem others as more valuable than myself, in the midst of pains which can be twisted to inspire self-seeking self-exaltation, as pain is twisted very often--unto giving in to the temptation to falsely believe I have attained a right to do else that submit to the Father, still, and seek His guidance in all things, including of the heart. Still.

I accept His will in all this. I don't understand, but I don't have to. Trusting Him means surrendering to whatever comes, accepting what is present, and waiting upon Him to guide each step hereafter without attempting to dredge up my own plan of action. Even asking others for counsel in what to do next, at this juncture, would equate to giving in to temptation to seek anything but to endure.

Spending time with my Father, though. He helps.

There's such a weird matter of avoiding pain, avoiding grief, avoiding feeling. Society counts it uncomfortable, doesn't know what to do with it, feels as though something needs to "be done" about it, rather than enduring silently alongside. Feeling at a loss to do anything, because nothing can be done is not something the world nor the flesh can endure. Feeling is tricksy business according to the world. We want emotions that are clinical--observed and only experienced to the extent they're comfortable to endure. We want to be in control of our emotions, as much as we want to be in control of everything else, including finances, lifestyles, plans, goals, marriage partners, and all else which is of life. We want to be in control. We're fine with conceding to adhere to guidelines others have proposed, if they are helpful, but we're pursuing life still on our own terms. Still without surrendering.

I'm still not sure how things go, if we don't ask for direction on these fronts. Whether maybe it's just that He leads blindly, unawares, despite our lack of expectation or desire for His guidance. I mean, He does keep us all alive, despite our general obliviousness to the fact. He does sustain our strength, to be able to do what is required of a day to gain provisions, despite that we don't necessarily consider the fact. So it makes sense that those of us who desire Him and love Him and yet aren't continually resting in awareness He's the One from whom all guidance and ability comes, instead still seeking to manage per our own strength and understanding to please Him...that He would and does and is nonetheless guiding, despite our somewhat faithlessness and misunderstanding of Him.

None of us understand Him perfectly, after all. That's impossible. So we're all operating to some extent under delusions and doubts regarding His will and ways and our relative place and responsibilities, otherwise we'd be perfectly obedient, as Christ is.

Yesterday was difficult--it wasn't tuned to the course of Scripture throughout, per bluetooth. He still carried me through and ultimately drew me to fellowship with Himself, even per prompting to reach out for prayer given particular distress of temptations. After reaching out, He reminded me to go and read.

Multiple things over course of the day, though. Foremost and constant was temptation to slip into oblivion, to deny grief, to turn aside and suppress truth. All day, that temptation stood fore, by varied means. Ultimately culminating in such temptations as to flee to another state, cross country. Even tempted to just leave and not return. He did not permit.

And I asked for prayer, which is not something easy. And thereafter came to mind the need to turn to Him in the Scriptures. And after time in His Word, time in prayer.

Time with Him cleanses, clarifies, soothes sufficient to allow breath. It's still a battle--thoughts still try to distract and dissuade and assault with all manner of ill, but when the desperate need to return to Him overwhelms to extent that He constantly returns thoughts to Himself, fixed upon simply receiving His Word rather than attempting to make anything out of it, there's help.

Remaining distant from Him allows only further distance to press in, though, until incapacitation of emotion gives way to temptations toward varied lies. Unto bitterness, unto hopelessness, unto anger at God, even. Either flee temptation or fall prey, it seems. But He is where we must turn to, submitting to Him, if we are fleeing temptation. Otherwise, we're only falling into another temptation. We have to turn to Jesus, return to Him, just to avoid the machinations and snares of the enemy and of the flesh.

Temptation upon temptation is all that awaits otherwise, when hearts and thoughts turn away from remembering and resting in who He is. Which is slipping away from the Lord, even being incrementally turned away by temptations not to endure grief.

And there've also been varied bits taunting and mocking, thus a different tack for attempting to sway unto delusion by attacking the legitimacy of grief, by attacking my own person and attempting to get focus to turn to self, unto pity or self-loathing or howsoever else--all effectively constitutes temptation to refute and disown truth, moreover. Which is blatantly a temptation unto delusion, as any sin is. But in these circumstances, forsaking clarity of memory and giving into temptation to turn away from truthfulness and sincerity would only further the cause of the enemy. Whatever it is, specific, it's just to steal, kill, and destroy, in general. And shadows are still lurking in so many corners, already.

No, then. Just no.

I've been wrongly counseled multiple times over course of this all, toward hardening my heart and attempting to determine the course by my own understanding rather than trusting the Lord. Even tempted to outright act in my own will, rather than submitting to God. All, to feed myself on lies just so as not to feel and as not to trust and obey. Temptation has been to return to manipulating my emotions, per distancing myself from feeling. Rather than submitting emotion to the Lord, asking Him to search my heart and cleanse of what displeases Him. And walking in submission to Him, rather than turning my own way--turning from Him by setting my mind and heart toward what "should" and "shouldn't" be felt, how things "should be" rather than trusting Him to guide and preserve.

I don't have to understand what's happened in order to see His grace in the midst. I don't have to be constantly at ease and without pain, in order to trust Him with all my heart and soul. I don't have to have the slightest idea what's to come, in order to rely upon Him for guidance every small step along the way.

Emotion doesn't rule, in Christ. He does, and He brings all things into subjection to Himself...of sincerity. So neither is emotion a realm allotted well toward further rebellions, unto delusion. He created us to feel. It arises. It's not ungodly to have and to develop affection. Even just to submit to Him, all the while. Just as it's written that we may become angry, but we're not to sin. And we know our foremost call is love--love God and love others. Period. Emotion is a matter which He created as part of our beings. He feels deeply. He grieves. He loves. He laments. He becomes angry. He is jealous, even. And zealous. And He rejoices, even singing over us whom He loves.

And our emotion isn't to be apart from submission to Him, is all--man's anger doesn't work the righteousness of God. And yet there is such a thing as holy zeal and passion for His glory, for the sake of His name. But it's not arisen apart from loving Him and loving others, in the midst.

I've heard multiple attempts to rationalize that love doesn't require emotion, these past couple years. Heard love consists and is expressed of doing things that are helpful and beneficial to others, and doesn't necessarily entail emotional involvement. I've got a Bible with commentary that says this, even--throughout the New Testament, the commentary makes this claim again and again. But the writings come through Paul clearly attest that love is emotional, not a matter of works:

 If I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body [b]to be burned, but do not have love, it does me no good at all.

So, that's pretty clear--explicitly distinguishes between works and love, as distinct. Makes it clear that even the most seemingly loving works toward man and toward God are empty, without love. The act itself isn't love and doesn't constitute love, though it might be viewed as such in the eyes of the world. But not so. It's hearts which matter. And when you consider what it is to "do oneself good," as far as God goes...this is a significant statement recorded per Paul. But wasn't so much of God's lamentation with Israel that their hearts were far from Him, though they still esteemed themselves His servants? Much of what's recorded by Him through the prophets makes this lamentation, this heartache, plain.

We have been told, though, that as the days progress, people will lose the ability to love. And we will love the ability to have "natural emotion." I know I'd forsaken and unconsciously lost both, before submitting to Christ. One of the pleas toward Him, prior to submitting to His ownership and direction as Lord of my life...was regarding His revealing to me the coldness of my heart. Despite that I'd considered myself very compassionate and feeling, up to that very moment. I believed I felt very deeply. But my heart was like a stone, even that the despair over finding it so was barely felt.

I had believed I was very loving, though. I believed I was very caring. Giving so many things, sharing what I had (not perfectly but continually), reaching out to others who were hurting. And I wanted to see the "best" for others--even discussing church and God with people to varied, very limited degrees.  I even worked on influencing others toward "happiness," somewhat despairing to see despair and hopelessness in them.

But I was completely blind to the fact that everything I felt was filtered through a long-standing lens of delusion, having honed myself only to feel what seemed best, what seemed appropriate. Controlling every feeling, to varied extents, though some did overwhelm me still--those, I brought to heel using alcohol. And people considered me sincere. And good. And kind. And unassuming. And all sorts of things which were just patently false, at core. Even people in churches, of this.

And I still am learning, now, how to accept and not manipulate and subvert emotion--nor even to sublimate as to attain some "better" end. Still, I'm surrendering to Him and pursuing greater clarification and deliverance from all the wealth of lies and delusion I'd feasted on, prior. So I don't want to turn away, because things are difficult, because they hurt.

All the more not to return to the practice which got me in that initial predicament. "Controlling" and "adapting" one's emotion is a really dicey prospect. And I'm not sure it's ever right, given that it's not submitting to God for help but determining one's own "righteousness."

He has changed my heart and continues to do so, is all. But it's not something I drum up. It's not cognitive behavioral (replacement) therapy. It's being brought to a realization of the condition of my heart, of my emotions, in the light of remembrance of God--unto submitting to Him whatever arises.

And I'm so new to this, having only really begun to be aware of how dire a state it is within the past few years, and increasingly aware even over these recent months. Even now, all I can do is lay my heart before Him and ask Him for truth, for guidance, for direction, for deliverance as He wills. Or even for help, ongoing help, just to bear through in the midst. Rather than turning away, waiting upon Him and trusting Him.

After Job, there's now Psalm 119 and Isaiah. And of the initial half of Isaiah, the recurrent theme is of turning back to Him rather than continuing to rely upon idols, rely upon man, rely upon man's understanding, rely upon works. At one point, He said He would turn His own instruction toward telling people to do the same as the false teachers were doing--do and do, rule on rule, this and that--so that people would fall into their own pit. But that's what people had been devouring, per teaching of their spiritual guides and mentors.

The works He had called for were of repentance. Unto upholding and seeking mercy and justice. Securely built from a foundation of continual turning to Him, trusting in Him, relying upon Him, realizing salvation is in rest. Faith, though. Faith. Not works. The works arise out of faith, not out of man's understanding. He leads. Otherwise, we're acting apart.

We can't seek and know and pursue justice and mercy, lest we seek and know Him, is all. Otherwise, we end up calling evil good and good evil. He makes this clear: He's the sole foundation and source of knowledge of these things, and as people turned away from loving Him--as seeking and resting in Him and relying upon Him--though they believed they were still well, they were so sick they didn't even possess the insight to acknowledge their dire state of distress.

He said they paid Him lip service, but their hearts were far from Him. And as their hearts were far from Him, so became their actions. Rationalization upon rationalization, turning away from Him.

Jesus's condemnation of the Pharisees and the Scribes should especially give us warning, in terms of what seems like a general tendency to rely upon piecing together bits of Scripture unto righteous living. Rather than resting in the whole, as unto knowledge of God and trusting Him and seeking Him to guide through it all, change us through it all.

The Pharisees were paid the respect of Christ's noting they obeyed the letter of the law, yet they were blind and sick guides--obeying the letter of the law still left them wholly under the wrath of God. And the Scribes studied Scripture as their lifework--they knew it. Period. And yet He also called them out as people especially to beware.

Are we better than they are? If we think so, we're every bit the man standing before the altar praising God that he's not like other men. He's let me get to that point, before--I'm not far from there, still, except He continually reminds me of my baseness and inability apart from His constant keeping. For which I'm grateful, on both counts.

None of us is exempt from these things, though. None of us is better than another. We are all sinners in need of constant keeping, constant correction, constant direction, constant provision. Constant grace.

And on the flip side of becoming a Pharisee or Scribe, mentally, is tendency to idolize and worship others who seem especially saintly, especially godly, rather than remembering we're all creatures, we're all fallen. We're all on the same ground, lives fleeting. And He gives each of us gifts to serve Him and to minister to one another. So although we are to give honor and respect especially to those who serve us as ministers unto Him, that doesn't entail worship which esteems as though beyond faltering. Paul rebuked a church for that tendency, of people starting to go around identifying themselves with his teaching, versus that of others. As though he was perfect and as though he was the One who had saved them and was giving them guidance. We have to test all things, because it's the Spirit of Jesus which is who guides and yet there are many which would lead us astray, slyly.

We all fall prey to this, to varied degrees. But Jesus warned against it. We have one Teacher. One Rabbi. One Father, even, as it were.

Peter reiterated it, as well, even as Paul did in so many ways. And maybe we tend to fall prey to that mentality so easily because Western society is so fixated on heroes, as perhaps other societies are given to worshipping and idolizing their elders. Either way, it tends to allow for faltering per failure to test everything, versus just finding encouragement toward Christ even while realizing common sinfulness, shared faultiness. As unto testing everything. Everything. Every time. Constantly. Even (maybe especially) our own thoughts. Constantly.

Which is bringing all thoughts into submission to Christ--even those thoughts we have about others and about counsel. Bringing things to bear under the light of who He is, as part of being led of Him.

Much of Psalms are riddled with request for Him to lead, for Him to teach, for Him to correct and guide. To test heart and mind, so revealing what's hidden, and to acquit and lead instead in His righteousness. He uses His Word for this, but we can't manufacture understanding of a passage, unto conviction. Even if someone were a thief and they read passages about ceasing to steal, unless the Lord soften their heart to realize what it is to steal and convict them to turn from these matters, the human tendency is to be blind to the very words spoken as they actually apply. We rationalize our way into sinning, as it goes, by turning away from truth. So trying to assume our understanding is sufficient to go in reverse, putting pieces together unto determining the course of righteousness...is unto confusion. And confusion isn't of Him.

Confusion arises though, in the midst of deep waters. But where confusion is, rest has to reign, trusting Him to make the way straight, trusting Him to keep our heads above water.

I'm reminded again and again, though, of the regular response to these things. That it's as though you end up not doing anything, as though you end up not changing nor being inclined to change unless you specifically seek these things out. But that's not at all the case. Seeking Him, these things arise. Loving Him, there's conviction of what is not like Him, increasingly. All the while, then He directs. He cleanses. He changes us. He transforms.

I'm similarly reminded of the case made against grace: If salvation is such that it's received and not earned, and such that grace given is sufficient to cover all sins, then what would ever prompt anyone to do anything of good and what would be the reason not to continue in sin? That's a pretty sound argument, too, if you look at it all in worldly, fleshly terms. But as Paul was given to point out--if we are indeed covered by His grace, then does sin abound? As Paul said, God forbid! No, indeed.

God does as much as forbid sin to abound under grace. Not as a matter of restriction, but as a matter of course--receiving such love, such as per His grace, is unto inspiring and deepening a love of Him which ever prompts toward desiring to please the Beloved, thus unto desiring His righteousness, unto asking Him to lead in it. Knowing and being humbled to realize that though we falter, He is faithful and just to forgive as we turn and ask forgiveness. He leads in paths of righteousness for His name's sake, as it were.

That's what I read, at least. Faith, not works. Though faith is unto works, and thus not apart from them--but arising as fruit borne by healthy branches affixed to a thriving Vine. Not a matter of calculated risk and pursuit.

We tend to fear not doing, though. We tend to feel as though we have to do something. As though His work wasn't and isn't sufficient, as though we can add anything to Him or ourselves or others by attempting to strive according to our own understanding. Rather than waiting for direction, trusting Him to guide. There's temptation to assume that if we wait upon His guidance, we'll somehow miss His direction, His prompting, His lead.

Waiting, though, is a trial all its own, requiring trust of Him and rest in the knowledge of who He is. He works in us so many things, in the waiting: Confronting doubts and revealing uncertainties about who He is, confronting faithlessness and our tendencies to rest in our own strength rather than in Him. It all comes down to who He is, though, and whether we take Him at His Word.

Waiting has a way of bringing these matters of heart to light, as anxieties and fears arise, too. If we believe He will lead us in the works prepared for us, then we don't give way to feeling anxiously, fearfully pressured to grasp for works. Rather, in rest we will find ourselves in the midst of varied pursuits and acts. Even if passing, and bit by bit, then still. Sometimes just one conversation at a time, encouraging in Christ and speaking truth. And still, there are also times of rest, unexpected, in the midst. And so many things endeavored, along the while.

But these endeavors are not at all like the ones in life, before submitting to Christ: Always busy, but never satisfied with completion. Always occupied, but never at peace with the work. And in times of recurrent collapse--listless and bereft of desire to even live--bereft of movement, altogether despairing.

Now, not at all. There are things to do, and He walks alongside through them daily. And there are often times of busyness, but endeavored per Him and trusting Him all the while. And sometimes just to be available, sometimes just to be able to sit with Him alongside others. Just to be present. In a world of busyness.

But these last few months, I've been distracted from His sufficiency in the midst of varied turmoil, and beginning to feel at a loss for particular fellowship. It's His fellowship I've missed. He's given me fellowship with others, fairly regularly. So there isn't a lack of companionship. There's just been a lack of fellowship with Christ, Himself.

Which He has let me realize, last evening. So I can't but throw myself on His mercy again, and ask Him again to help me be faithful. It isn't of me, to manage to do so: I could aspire to maintain the sort of rigid discipline as once attempted, without help prior to coming to Him for assistance. But it was draining and unto further despair and distraction. Yet when it's been love of Him and longing for Him driving my devotion times and affording me the desire to cleave to Him, the times were sweet and rich and blessed.

So, while asking Him to help me prevent from denying truth and hiding from emotions that are painful, I'm so grateful He's turning me back to Himself in the midst. Even being more clearly reminded it's His fellowship I miss is unto asking Him to help, which is unto receiving. So I'm trusting Him to help me turn all the more toward Him.

I don't want lies. I don't want distraction. I don't want delusion. I don't want to dredge up my own righteousness, but want to walk in the righteousness which is my Lord's own work in me. I want Jesus, Himself, moreover. And I want to honor Him in the midst of everything.

And I can't muster up the ability to be good and do what's right without divine intervention. But He's shown me again and again that He's willing to give that gift, leading in His light, as it's requested. Working so many things, all the while.

I trust Him, though. He is trustworthy. He alone is fully trustworthy. None of us are, ultimately--having ever failed God, we have proven otherwise. And failing Him is evidence of failing one another. So if we believe ourselves trustworthy, we're deluded by sin. If we try to be trustworthy, apart from remaining submitted to Christ's constant leading, we're deluded. But He is trustworthy, so (as Oswald Chambers noted) as we walk alongside one another aware of the effects of sin and the presence of sin in one another--surrendering it all, all the while to the Lord--we can have fellowship in the Spirit, which is in the light of truth, in the light of His love.