Craving Light

Particular restraint from social media remains effective. And may continue indefinitely. Not up to me. But He's letting me return to the blogs. For the moment.

Got to pray with my friend Grace, today. We discuss circumstances, talk about what the Lord is doing in each of our lives, talk about where we've seen Him working around us and in the lives of others, discuss the state of matters and whatever new international and national needs are noted, if He's brought anything to either of our attention, and then we thank Him for all the many things and also ask for His help in the lives of others, the lives of one another, and the circumstances He's brought to our attentions.

I am so grateful for my sister, Grace. Our Father has given us one another to encourage toward Him and His ways. To rejoice together and to grieve together. And it's a blessing. And so much a blessing to see Him working in her life--like paying for her schooling (after getting her into the school, from the outset--all odds against it happening, and utterly "last minute" too). And so many things. But even the practical things are so wonderful to note.

One of the things He's been reminding of this past week is that nothing is beneath His notice and His concern in our lives. Absolutely nothing too "trivial." I mean, seriously, if He's concerned enough about the number of hairs on my head as to know how many there are, then what would be beneath His concern? Like, for real.

I mean--as much as I'm grateful for having hair and do the (basically bare minimum, by God's grace) to take care of it--I don't even care how many hairs I have. But He does. So He's concerned about the things pertaining to me, to us, which are even "beneath" our notice. How much more, then, is He concerned with the things which we do pay any attention to, whatsoever?

So, no, despite what someone has told me to do recently, I'm not setting a goal to save money. I'm going to trust the Lord to direct me in the way I should go, with finances. Period. And I'm going to stop freaking out about my wretched stewardship of funds and just continue giving Him thanks for what He gives, trusting Him for provision when there's lack, and trusting Him to help me honor Him with what I do have. And that means trusting Him to help with the debts, too--remaining faithful with payments, so to honor Him, and continue to slowly work toward paying things off, hopefully.

But I will trust Him.

He chose not to deliver me from cigarettes in the same fashion as He delivered me from alcohol. The craving, the urge to smoke, didn't disappear in a day, as it did with the overwhelming and uncontrollable urge to drink. I smoked and quit, and smoked and quit. And may yet do so, though I hope not. In fact, I gave in to the urge to buy another pack, yesterday. And couldn't smoke one, today. Not even one. I don't like the taste, I don't like the way it feels. It's moreso something of expression of grief, of deep lamentation of the state of all affairs. Sitting publicly, smoking. Rather than pulling out my hair, throwing dust, and covering myself with ashes. Instead, I breathe noxious, toxic smoke (at least the "healthiest" toxic smoke available as far as I'm aware) and cover myself with small bits of ashes, as they burn off.

A silent cry.
Lamentation, none the less.
Every time it's happened that smoking has become a thing, for the past few years, I think.

He hears, He sees. He knows. He is sovereign in might, in power, in wisdom, and in justice. And of the prayers, tonight, there is ongoing plea that the designs of the enemy as worked out through particular others will be brought to nothing. Or turned to good, moreover.

On which count, the difference between plotting and planning was broached. I hadn't even thought to realize it as a distinction the Lord might care to make.

I'm not innocent of those sorts of things--before surrendering to Christ's sovereign order over my life and my ways, I had all the best of intentions toward others, knowing what they "needed" to help them have a good life. And pushing so subtly toward those designs that it wasn't detected, too. Unto "good" things like self-confidence, strong work ethic, peace with circumstances, direction in life, relationships. Rationalizing it all as entirely good. Because these were all things that would "benefit" the people involved, helping them get from some "point A" to "point B." But my influence was entirely out of place. It wasn't surrendered to God and didn't urge toward seeking His will, so only drove people further away from Him.

The one time I was at least forthright was in regard to talking someone into dating a friend. She was very much taken with him, but he was vacillating because of another somewhat relationship (which I didn't realize then was a marital engagement rather than just a mere dating arrangement--I ended up finding this out from the woman he for-many-years jilted, years later). His other was out of town, maybe not coming back...or at least no time then-soon. So I talked him into exploring other options. Because he wanted to, anyway (or otherwise he wouldn't have capitulated, I reasoned), and because there was no certainty of the other. Better to go with what was in front of him, then. And the present friend was much younger than his intended spouse, too.

All of that, as an evidence how wretched I was, prior to submitting to Christ...of how merciful He's been, to deliver me. But also to evidence the way the world's reasoning works, while pointing out that this sort of reasoning isn't absent from the church, when we're walking by sight and not by faith. This sort of reasoning isn't good, isn't of God. It constitutes plotting--people covertly deciding a course of action in secret, then going forth to subtly enact it. Which is manipulation. And it's wicked. No matter how good the intentions. No matter whether in regard to marital arrangements or career choices.

I've had many attempt to likewise influence me, even. Especially where goes career paths and relationships. But I can't sustain anything, apart from Christ's ongoing support and direction. And I'm very grateful that is and has been the case. Otherwise, I'd be either a doctor or a lawyer, full of arrogance and malice, or would have married into one of the soul-crushing situations pressed upon me, for the sake of submitting to what was expected. Which...the Lord still can and does extend mercy into those sorts of situations. He does still deliver into His love, turning misery into sanctification, bringing light in nonetheless. But it's definitely not a course which honors Him, from the outset.

Would prefer to just wait on Him to direct, rather than succumb to any sort of pressures. Satan rushes us, with urgency to act that's unwell. The Lord is in charge of time, though, so He doesn't need to pressure us to act.

Along which lines, there was something read the other day about tactics manipulators use, wherein rushing someone to act creates an urgency that pushes reasonable thought to the side. And something about how "If the answer has got to be now, the answer has got to be no."

True dat.

It's just so distressing to have all sorts of weirdness on so many sides, is all. I know the Lord will have His way, ultimately, and I'm trusting Him to guide me through the shadows that seek to overwhelm and distort and distract. He has to--I'm just not capable of discerning what's right and good, unless He guides me and preserves me. We aren't capable of knowing good, unless He directly and continually opens our eyes to it, in truth. Attempting to use His Word as a codex, apart from realizing we can't know anything of Him unless He reveals Himself also by His Spirit...isn't beneficial. Merely reading the words isn't what does the work in us, it's His Spirit at work pressing upon us the truth of them, actively, which does so. Otherwise the many atheists who read the Bible and walk away further indignant against Him would have instead been drawn nearer Him rather than finding further cause to deride, mock, and despise.

We can't know truth, except it's revealed.

Prooftexting, then, is such an odd attempt to piecemeal things to particular ends. Which isn't to say that He doesn't give particular passages and writings to encourage and edify and instruct and chastise, specific to each. But by His will, not by ours. Arising of His Spirit, not drawn out by mere human intellect.

These are matters which have been revisited, unexpectedly, recently. And others, likewise, which are so distressing, grievous. But prayed about, tonight. And He'll continue to clarify and direct. Giving a great deal of peace, this week,  just through reminding that the things which are concealed will be revealed, and those things hidden will be made known. Because it's so unwell to hide things, plotting. Gives room for the enemy to have a field-day.

Just, no.

There's too much madness right now, already. Without needing add to it. So, bit by bit, as the Lord allows and directs, I'll do as He gives in order to address and make known some of what's concealed. Hiding makes things worse. Even if being forthright can be so scary and painful. Dealing with disappointment, misunderstanding, rejection, disgust, or whatever ends up being confronted, is far better than being influenced unduly by the enemy.

Better to get it over with as soon as the Lord allows. Hiding things makes them seem wrong, even when they're not. Because the act of hiding, itself, justifiably arouses suspicions.