So maybe the longing to go to Israel will return, now, and I'll begin attempting to study Hebrew again. I didn't expect it to ebb last summer, so maybe it will return, now. Josh and Grace are the only two I'd told about it: longing to be with His people and plead with them. Knowing I'd be all the more rejected, for being an outsider. But longing to do so, nonetheless. Josh told me I'd die if I went. I told him I knew. It's very likely at least. But what is death, except the final call home?
I put off getting my passport all year last year, because I feared I wouldn't be able to resist the urge to book a trip to the Middle East if that one detail was secured. Despite wanting to visit Grace. And I told her exactly why, too. Because of the longing to go to Israel and plead with them, and because it was such a consuming yearning, wholehearted. But if it's to be done, it will be done in a way that doesn't dishonor God per abandoning or neglecting responsibilities He's allotted.
My interaction with the Hebrew university in Jerusalem, year before last, didn't temper the urge to go although it did serve a healthy dose of reality in terms of the spiritual climate there. They do fear Him, but it's so suppressed that there's overt denial. Testing Him. Almost taunting Him, trying to get Him to evidence Himself. And just blatant mockery, too, as with us all. Loathing, as with us all. Rejecting and despising Him, despite lip-service.
The Lord had also to deal with my proclivity to worship His people, last year. For a brief moment I was sure Grace had given indication she was from a Jewish family, and I became very overwhelmed with worshipful regard for her--even feeling as though I was no longer worthy to speak with her, becoming cowed and obsequious. (Same has been the case with his saints as a general rule, time to time.) I didn't ever discuss these matters overtly, but things were decidedly uncomfortable during interaction for a while, as result. The Lord brought all that to light within me unto repentance though, so He did deal with it.
Just as many months prior, through interaction at an interim church I was confronted with the contempt many who are Christ's hold against those who are Jewish, or Israeli, moreover. And simultaneously confronted by a sense of entitlement retained by many who are of God's chosen nation, per that esteemed position. He did entrust His oracles to them. And He did enter the world as one of their own. These are privileges. And He has promised to redeem them, as Paul wrote.
But entitlement and resentment were all confronted at once. And I was tempted to resent knowing I would be viewed as lesser, treated as a lesser. But who am I, after all, to even think I deserve some sort of accolades or esteem or even "fair treatment?:" Christ, Himself, didn't aspire to nor insist upon these things--although He is God and was worthy of them all the more than anyone--so if He is my Master and Mentor, how dare I esteem myself above Him by considering I'm due "fair treatment" and respect and esteem which He didn't even grasp at, though being due them?...why especially would I grasp at these things, though, when He made it clearly known that I'm to expect debasement and mockery and ill-treatment like as He received, per course of being His own. If He was mocked and mistreated, even counted as one of satan's, then how much more will we be, as we cleave to Him?
And of that lattermost, I've often wondered that people expect always for matters of persecution to be utterly forthright, when it's a spiritual battle. It's as though unless people are screaming "Christian!" at us, with malice, then matters being endured surely aren't part and parcel of enduring suffering for His sake, for the sake of pursuing His kingdom and righteousness. More often, there's been the experience of being slighted by others as a result of their unconscious determination of character, unto resentment and despising and loathing at what's discerned thereabouts: As the aroma of Christ is one of death to those who are not His, that fragrance arouses discomfort, unease, disgust, resentment, loathing, malice unto rejection and maltreatments in proportion to the extent of one's heart being turned away from God, Himself. Unconscious spiting of Him is aroused, over course of being confronted by Him through another. And to be silently endured, then--not seeking to justify self nor avoid the rejection or pain or despising or malice, but loving and praying for them all the while, while thanking God to be so privileged as to suffer silently on His behalf per simply pursuing Him and loving Him amidst others who are to-varied-extents-openly enraged against Him.
I've experienced that particular course with people who are themselves downtrodden and abused, particularly often: Where there's not a simultaneous surrender to Christ, that is. Because being rejected and maligned and despised and abused in this world yields to further indignation against God, unless He's being sought and clung to all the while. Yielding to the enemy's lies about God as to begin to be hard-hearted and angry against Him while enduring suffering...also yields to this effect. And when opportunity arises to mete out anger against Him, despising another, "lesser" person--especially one of God's own--such persecution as undue resentment, disgust, loathing, unto varied bits of maltreatment does occur.
But we don't often perceive these such "slights" as being part of the warfare we endure as those who walk with God.
But that just reveals a further light on matters: Whatever the enemy can do to attempt to unseat us from rest and dependence in and upon Jesus is undertaken. The more subtle and ceaseless the onslaught, the more effective, as incrementally and cumulatively undertaken by the enemy in Western society, though. Simultaneous pressure to seek one's own "rights" while simultaneously being subjected to constant pressure of others to assert their dominance and will, to the exclusion of our own "right to fair treatment" creates a vortex of self-seeking and other-diminishing that utterly distracts from Christ. Like as in the environs of fast food restaurants, while in line at grocery stores, of waiting for interminable lengths in doctor's offices. And even as navigating the odd machinations of others in traffic. In these situations, there's temptation constant--rather than counting it a privilege to submit as unto God while being consistently slighted and snubbed and derided, as others assert their dominance as superiority--rather than esteeming them more highly than self and submitting gladly to being counted worthy to continually be able to do so, to be able to serve others as unto God by submitting to them--there's constant temptation to similarly assert one's own "privilege" and "rights" as being justifiably due us, rather than gladly submitting to Christ those others He's placed before us to serve and submit to, in love and as to share His love in so many small ways, ongoing. Instead of thanking God for the privilege of being consistently undermined, thus being allowed to afford others the preference of privilege and given ability to make accommodations continually rather than seeking one's own accommodations...there's constant temptation to assert one's own "right" to be accommodated, to be first, to be preferred, to get to go in "right order."
But God Himself accommodates those who are His. And we don't deserve His mercies nor His goodness and kindness to us. How much less do we deserve any good, then? But yet He's so gracious to us, so kind and faithful, so loving. How can we do anything other than gladly submit to one another and prefer one another over ourselves? Extending mercy and grace and love and forgiveness even as we have received and constantly receive these things?
He makes way for us. Even allotting us the privilege of being mistreated by others (just as we mistreat Him, moreover, by asserting our presumed right to assert ourselves--despising Him, moreover)...which is opportunity to be merciful and gracious and loving, again and again. Even as He has been, unto us. Even in the most seemingly minute of ways, yet done with love and not with resentment or out of sense of obligation: Making way, provision, accommodation.
He does so. Continually, for us. What privilege to be able to extend that same mercy, even in such small ways as being alert to ways to accommodate others who are even a tiny bit the same toward us as we are toward God (except that He mercifully draws and delivers us from self-exaltation, continually, we would all still utterly despise and malign and reject Him). To yield, out of love of Him and love of others. Seeing and embracing that others are more esteemed than self, accepting that God will provide our own needs and thus we need not seek after them ourselves but instead should seek the welfare of others whom He provides encounters with.
He does accommodate us, is the point. I struggled for a long while, still residing at my dad's house, with the idea and reality of having to surrender seeking my own in preference to submission to others and submission to God's sovereign prerogative and ordained will for my life.
All my life, I'd been accustomed to the belief that unless I stand up for myself and make sure my needs are met and make sure I'm taken care of and make sure I'm not being abused...then I would be utterly demolished and wouldn't have my needs met and would just be completely destroyed. I had become accustomed to believing I had to stand up for myself, or no one else would.
But the thing is, while that has appearance of superficial truth...it's not substantially true. Because God does take up for us, as we seek Him and trust Him. Even as giving the desire and boldness to have conversations which bring to light matters that must be addressed so to destroy a stronghold of the enemy in our minds. Even in making way for us to spiritually prosper in the midst of a society which essentially and truly despises us due to our affinity with God. Though we are counted as sheep for the slaughter, we are victorious through Christ, in Christ.
I don't have to stand up for myself, though. I don't have to defend myself. I don't have to attempt to justify myself. And that was impossible to accept, from the outset. It goes against all worldly reasoning. Especially was it impossible to accept, in the midst of enduring the hatred and malice and loathing of my dad and stepmom, turned wholeheartedly against me because of the confrontation of sin and my refusal and inability to continue to partake in it, alongside them. They had assumed I was like them, up to those points in time. And I had assumed the same of them, too, until the day came where the Lord convicted me sorely for my behavior and made it so that I couldn't do anything except plead truth with them while asserting that I could not continue to engage in the same. While defending the person being mocked, which enraged.
And for those six months of terror, I vacillated regularly over belief that I needed to stand up for myself and assert my right to "fair and humane treatment" rather than continuing to endure loathing and intimidations per course just being convicted to speak forthrightly and refrain from what actions the Lord had convicted me regarding, specific. I argued with Him that if I didn't assert myself, if I didn't seek my rights, if I didn't take that stand...I'd be utterly destroyed, bowled over, wouldn't be able to survive. And however many other rationalizations there were, attempting to get me to capitulate and seek my own "rights" and "privilege"...I tried to reason with the Lord that I needed to be able to assert myself as equally viable, due respect.
But He reminded me of the cross. And reminded me of its cause. And never wavered in reminding me that He is my only defense, my only justification. Apart from Him, I have neither. So to seek those things and to seek to assert myself apart from Him is to assert myself against Him per seeking my own will, my own way, my own provision. Instead of graciously submitting to whatever comes by His hand--trusting and knowing and resting in the fact that He knows my needs ever better than I do and that He is utterly capable and will indeed fulfill them as is fitting. And He could have had a legion of angels to deliver Him from crucifixion, and yet didn't beckon. So, who am I to decry suffering and loss in my life?
Yet He goes so far beyond merely giving what's merely necessary, fairly always.
Like the place I live now. I've never lived anywhere so nice. So roomy, so airy, so full of light, and yet affordable. Except that there are other elements which have increasingly become apparent, unto the need to move--the Lord is no longer shielding me as He had been. He's directing unto relocation. Otherwise, I would camp here for longer. But where the shelter of His light is being removed, then so follow I. Despite that I don't like change. Despite that I still fear every change. I trust Him, though.
I never wanted to move in the first place. Ever, in my life. Yet that's been utterly destroyed so many times over, at this point I'm finally pliable--even to the point of going to opposite extreme, asking Him to allow me to become entirely transient, fully homeless. But it's not as I will. I'm not my own.
None of us are, truly. Some are just still in flat-out denial.
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