Self-Will vs. Waiting

God's Spirit and guidance are unto loving obedience--not control, shame, and the weight/guilt/burden of disapproval, unto complacent, cowed, rigid, or fearful adherence. Obedience along latter is like the servant who hid his master's money because he "knew his master to be a ruthless man who gathered where he did not sow." Not necessarily malicious obedience, but completely in that direction as not  loving obedience. His obedience was driven by fear and self-interest. And there is something of contempt for his master in the way he calls him a "hard man," discounting any kindness and further undermining the master's right to gather where does not sow.

Maybe we get confused around the point of fear, as part of the problem: God is fearful in majesty and power. His strength and wisdom are perfect, unassailable and are terrifying to consider. And to know who He is sufficient to fear Him is the beginning of wisdom, of understanding, of knowledge. But it doesn't end there: His greatest commandment to us isn't that we fear Him and cower before Him, obeying. His greatest commandment is not that we submit to Him out of awe-struck terror at His power and worthiness of obedience. No.

His greatest commandment is that we love Him. With everything we are. And Jesus said everything else depends upon whether we love Him as such: all things else are built upon, rest upon the fulfillment of this commandment. So if we're not loving Him and obeying out of love, then we're not being obedient on any front, because obedience to any other law can only occur as arising out of and solidly upon obedience to any law upon which it rests and from which it derives: He isn't interested in sacrificial obedience full of obligatory concession or resentment or desire to gain His approval or engendering self-accomplishment for having attained to the "letter of the law." It's not the letter of the law which is unto obedience, but the Spirit of the law which is: Even as writing the law upon our hearts. Not merely our minds. Our minds are being transformed by His Word, by His Spirit...but it's the law written on our hearts which is His teaching unto obedience. And that is of love: Casting down idols and everything that would exalt itself against Him, loving God first and with everything.

Even as the next greatest commandment is still of love: Loving others. And it doesn't matter if we give absolutely everything we are and have to actions which benefit others, if we don't love, it's empty, lipservice.

Jesus says everything depends on those laws, though. All the law and the prophets. So, again, if everything depends on those two commandments, then without fulfilling them--no matter how conformed things might seem to the letter of the law, obedience is lacking.

And we know, according to what's written, that neither do we know our own hearts nor can we change them (except if hardening them, moreover): David asked again and again for the Lord to test his heart and thoughts and asked Him to create a new, clean heart in him. If David were capable of doing these things, himself, why ask God? Knowing he couldn't, he asked the One who can.

It's written that God Himself is the one who puts a new heart in us: Hearts of flesh for hearts of stone. Yet I find myself continually tempted back toward that same hardness, tempted to engage in the ways of the world as are unto hard-heartedness. Self-will being of the utmost of that. Even still, now, of having no idea how to bear up, still, how to bear the grief and the shame and disgrace. How to continue. And still to know things will be worse before ever better. There's such temptation to do as I used to do, to turn away from truth for the sake of living with a delusion that makes it easier to pretend wellness as not to discomfit anyone and as to have an easier time going forward. But I won't forsake the Lord. I love Him.

Yesterday, the Lord turned thoughts to Saul. Discussing my sin and wanting to turn away and do things according to what I want, according to what would be easier...because I don't see what's wrong with the plans I've presented to the Lord, of evading all matters present and going off into obscurity and abject isolation. But unto serving Him more freely, you see.

But to mind came the conversation between Samuel and Saul after Saul had for the second time seriously disobeyed the Lord by refusing to wait for Samuel to offer the offering to God. Saul felt justified in going before God's ordained time, against express direction: Samuel was supposed to be there at a particular time but wasn't, things were pretty intense in terms of time being of the essence so to move forward, and Saul apparently believed the primary matter of importance was to fulfill the external actions required by God (making sacrifice to Him) without concern about the spirit in which sacrifice in required (as heartfelt trust in and reliance upon God, outwardly evidenced per loving obedience and waiting upon Him for guidance). Saul deviated entirely from what was intended by refusing to wait on God per refusal to wait on Samuel...per taking matters into his own hands rather than trusting in and waiting upon God.

He reasoned that as long as the external actions required to "appease God" were fulfilled (this course of action evidences such ideology), it didn't overtly matter how they were completed nor by whom. He apparently reasoned that as long as he had a good reason for not waiting, it wouldn't matter if he did what he thought was best--time was of the essence, after all. He reasoned it was more important to be externally complicit than undertake difficulty of trusting and waiting in obedience. In so doing, Saul's "obedience" was unacceptable to God, come out of a heart of rebellion, stubbornness, self-will, impatience: Saul made it clear he had decided he knew better than God did what needed to be done, and he enacted that decision by fulfilling the letter of the law which God had codified as Scripture while his heart was turned so far from God that (as Samuel let him know) he then and thusly was entirely rejected as king.

Through Samuel, God called this rebellion witchcraft. And said refusing to obey is idolatry--being no different from worshipping a statue, as disobedience breaks God's Word when taking matters into our own hands, per being so self-willed as to believe we're capable of knowing right and wrong without waiting upon God's revelation of His Word, His will, His ways, Himself...His guidance. Stubbornness, in all. Arrogance. Defiant hearts. Even if offering lipservice to him--bringing offerings of praise and having his Word sharply in mind and at the ready all while engaged in worship which only superficially hearkens to His Scripture, His laws--if hearts aren't driven by love of Him and loving desire for His will no matter the cost to self, we rebel. No matter the pain, and even requiring Him to help bear up, we must wait without regard for the amount of time required for our Father to make clear the way before us. Saul failed this--he esteemed and conceded the letter of the law, but because he believed God had not acted when he was supposed to (Samuel was late, Saul needed to offer the offering and get on with business), he took matters into his own hands, which was rebellion. Saul was refused by God for refusing to submit to the ever-present call to wait upon God's direct intervention and guidance. He adhered to the letter of the law but did not wait upon God, Himself.

So Saul deviated from God's direct guidance direly--Saul deviated from seeking God's will, instead seeking his own. And not for the first time. He'd refused to obey God's direction to put to death all those at a previous site of attack, specifically all cattle and rulers. Whether Saul was telling the truth about "saving cattle to offer to Samuel's God" is very doubtful but ultimately irrelevant--Saul had already lied by saying he was going to do obey God. then doing what he thought best, instead. Saul just refused to submit his heart to God. He refused to obey, but walked in the way that seemed right and seemed best to himself--even attempting to try to weasel out of guilt by saying he had disobeyed because he wanted to honor God in another way. But a way of his own choosing, rather than God's way. That's not what God requires of us. So, Saul erred against God despite God's blessings. And with flagrant disregard of them, moreover, as having disregard for God. If we are to know God and walk with Him, we do so on His terms and not on our own terms. Period.

Saul's heart was so hardened against God that he didn't even care he'd been defiant, at the last--didn't care he was rejected by God after refusing to wait for Samuel to make the offering. His only concern was that no one know about God's decree--He didn't want to be publicly shamed and humiliated. He wanted to maintain an image. He wanted to continue to pretend things were fine. Other than that, Saul expressed no serious concerns.

And he did pretend things were fine. He was all sorts of delusional and self-deluded: All through the rest of what's spoken of Saul, there's no apparent dis-ease between himself and his people until things really get heated over David.

Well, if you don't count the fact that the entire Israeli army refused to stand against Goliath, out of fear of man...
And if you don't count the fact that the entire nation was fine with going on a rabid man-hunt for a single individual who had not ever actually erred against the king...
And whatever else along these lines. Which, really, are all signs of serious disease, socially. Politically.

Which should probably count the conspiracies and plots and the like which started to arise in the ranks, too, as Saul maintained his delusion that things were well and that "his kingdom" was his own to defend against David (including one which resulted in the slaughter of so many priests). Saul's attempt to defend the kingdom against David was an attempt to prevent against God's will, thus against God Himself, moreover. And the more clear it became that David was Israel's king, the more Saul raged against the truth. Only in brief moments of clarity regarding God's sovereign provision for himself--as wherein David had Saul's life in his hand and did not take it, did not dishonor God--did Saul have anything akin to an awakening to truth of God's present keeping and sovereignty despite his willfulness and rebellion. But Saul returned to his plotting and defiance, still. Even becoming so double-minded and delusional as to take on a disguise to seek the counsel of a necromancer, ultimately, in the guise of seeking God as attempting to speak with Samuel. Rather than actually turning to God, though superficially "turning toward God" by "seeking Samuel's counsel" Saul was effectively actually turning so much further away from Him. He was acting with utmost defiance against God and acting as though he could hide himself in the process. So deluded, so hardhearted. So blind. Though still considering himself well.

It's all like a lot of what's going on in all of us, really. In our countries, fellowships, lives. We're really unwell, at this point. We killing the unborn as though with total impunity. We institutionalize and excuse sin, likewise. We slander the innocent and are rationalize oppressing the outcast as acceptable behaviors. All of which constitutes esteeming ourselves and our plans, expecting God to bless them if in accord with His will or make them fall to pieces if they're not. We do what we do and expect Him to be okay with it, or otherwise let us know. Rather than waiting on Him to guide. We're afraid He won't lead us, it seems. Or maybe just really don't want Him to, because we know it does actually mean having to submit to Him whether we like it or not--through the fires of affliction, through the valley of the shadow of death, through persecutions and shame and torment within and without.

But we do so many things in such a way as though we believe God truly doesn't see or care.

But He does. On every count. And He's not mute and incapacitated from guiding us. He's not incapable of interacting with us and guiding us each, personally. Otherwise we'd be in a sore place.

Just, the world is wholly set against that reality--denying the truth of His direct, individual involvement allows us to rationalize not waiting upon His guidance, allows us to rationalize planning according to our own understanding, allows us to be ruler of our own lives and hearts so long as we maintain external appearance of complicity to His will as revealed in Scripture. He's so merciful, though. So merciful. He doesn't out and out destroy us for these things, whereas He would be justified in doing so. And He doesn't leave us to our own devices, either. He leads, despite them. Or none of us would be led, moreover, because we're all a work in progress.

Rather, those who are His own, He continually cleanses, chastises, and corrects. Helping to see more clearly the need to draw near to Him and rest in Him for all direction and sufficiency. Finding instruction by His Word, per His Spirit and not per our own understanding. He leads, though.