Right Relationship: I Am NOT a Man

 We live in a world tainted by sin. And even aside of that, there are specific ways which God has ordered for matters to operate--when they do so rightly, there should be no surprise at that.

Interaction between men and women is so fraught with difficulty at this point. Frankly, I don't know that matters are the same for all, but based on what I read in the Scriptures, noting even how Scripture makes sense of my experiences and observations...I have to conclude that it is, and various of us are just aware to varying degrees. 

Going to start with this--one of the largest fundamental matters the Lord has been helping me to learn is this: men and women are not the same. Period. Both human, significantly different. 

Even saying that sounds weird, though--the fact that men and women are different should go without saying. And maybe at some point in history that was so, but it's not the case now. 

The Downward Trend of Delusion

 The world is so opposed to God. He gives us over to judgment, then--we effectively reject reality, and He allows that up to a point. Which is judgment, moreover.

To be allowed to have what we want, when what we want actively destroys us...is judgment. Mercy is entwined in that, in the sense that the grief that's wrought, the suffering experienced, and the devastation observed--all these are a stark warning to us to turn from that course of self- and otherly-destruction and toward what would aid. 

We are so far at this point, though, that our world has become a parody: people in some fringe groups at this point are actively cutting off healthy body parts because they identify with being disabled. We are actively maiming ourselves and literally sterilizing ourselves and committing genocide on ourselves--wholesale slaughter--and calling these things freedom. 

Figments of Fidelity: On Attempted Reconciliation and Communication in the World

And, as with my family, if I can't have interactions founded upon and centered in truth...but only ones which are destructive...then, except the Lord were continuing to hold me still in the midst of that utter discord...I've pleaded for truth, I've pleaded for reconciliation, I've pleaded reconciliation with God above all. And have found no room. 

The Lord described explicitly the course of steps to take in seeking to make amends when someone has wronged us, in Matthew 18: we go to them privately. Then, if they won't deal forthrightly, there's the discussion with another present. And ultimately, if that's not received honorably, elders are also informed and brought into discussion. If there's still no honest reconciliation, the relationship has been lost: all space for intimacy and trust has been eroded and ultimately denied, the bond of perceived fidelity has been broken without recourse. We no longer continue in close quarters, but are made strangers.  

For Freedom to Obey, We are Set Free

Genesis 19:20, Genesis 19:22

Don't ask to go to Zoar [fixed link 11/13/21]. When the Lord directs, follow. 

2 Peter 2:7-9

Galatians 5:1

God is Great

 

God indeed is great, dear friend. ❤️ He is the Great Redeemer…and so much more.

19How great is Your goodness, 

Which You have stored up for those who fear You, 

Which You have performed for those who take refuge in You, 

Before the sons of mankind!

…

24Be strong and let your heart take  courage, 

All you who wait for the LORD.

Demoralization of a Culture

 There will not be time to outlay this significantly right now. The night is too far spent, too much grief already, and even joys. 

Many times recently, the Lord brings to mind the passage/s about folks crying out for rocks to hide them. In the midst of sore judgment, rather than cry out to God for mercy and aid, the hardness of hearts and the depraved excesses of pride yield over to crying out for the inert to shield against the infinite, sovereign, majestic, Omniscient One. Such blatant delusion. Such absolute dereliction of duty, moreover--rather than the worship the One we were created to worship, there's a hardening all the more against Him. 

Spitting in His face, again and again, moreover. And the more He presses the issue, the further the driving of one's heels into the ground in defiance--asking even nearly for death to hide one from His sharp focus and heavy hand. Rather than submit to God. 

He will not be mocked. Though for a time, things may seem otherwise, and lasciviousness and lewd speech and all manner of evil and lawlessness reigns--every bit as much in speech, then so as effected in heart and thought...depravity unto depravity, spewing forth madness unto damnation. Despising all good, defiling all which is pure, and degrading the most sanctified of all matters...as an outworking of absolute malice toward the One who reigns, untouched by all. 

We cannot unseat Him. We cannot throw off His chains of right order and morality, no matter that we turn our courses solely to evil and think only what is defiling and detrimental and destructive unto ourselves and all others, having so set our faces as flint to attempt to degrade Him and denude His status. 

Collateral Damage

 There are times when all of life seems as a great grief and pain. There has been one after another, I can't even track them all now. Continually for months, I think. One right after another. 

Death, death of another yet spared miraculously, and such pain: emotionally, physically. Relationally bereft. 

We are in the midst of a war right now. For all the world. For all our souls. 

I continually hear people striving to come to the end and means of what is at play, of who holds the strings of all these machinations. No one ever goes far enough. 

Friends, my dear friends. God is sovereign, even over all this. And He has judged us, and given us over to the wickedness in our own hearts. What we see on all sides is a reflection of ourselves. 

That is what grieves beyond measure right now, that this would be so...and I cannot plead strongly enough, I cannot muster words with enough fervor and import as to clarify these vital and eternal matters. And I would die of grief, even for that, except that I know He will have His portion. Those for whom Christ died will be saved. There are none who can stay His hand from saving. None. 

Not even my ineptitude and gracelessness. 

The Storm Enshrouding

Peter's Confession of Christ
…17Jesus replied, “Blessed are you, Simon son of Jonah! For this was not revealed to you by flesh and blood, but by My Father in heaven. 18And I tell you that you are Peter, and on this rock I will build My church, and the gates of Hades will not prevail against it. 19I will give you the keys of the kingdom of heaven. Whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven.

Paul's Apostolic Authority
…3For though we live in the flesh, we do not wage war according to the flesh. 4 The weapons of our warfare are not the weapons of the world. Instead, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. 5We tear down arguments and every presumption set up against the knowledge of God; and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.…

Sometimes, there's a very real sense and experience of so much of the forces of hell mounting an assault on all the world. Right now, it's as that. 

Of the Chosen?

How life could have become any more intense than it had been two months ago escaped my wildest imaginings--I was so far beyond my abilities, in July: my sister was dying, the Lord delivered her from death. And the ensuing and surrounding circumstances were wholly incomprehensible.

That, immediately preceded by an intensity of exchange which I can't recall except to remember that this has been the way of things for many months. I've often reflected in moments before the Lord that it's amazing that He has His people in such a frenzy right now, flitting about doing so many manner of things, so rapidly and yet so thoroughly and diligently and fervently, with His love and power. 

I am grateful. 

At His Mercy

 And so...

...the Lord is guiding, still. I am in position to potentially be terminated from employment in a matter of weeks, for my convictions.

The choice is to sin against God or to remain an employee of the state, in good standing and good favor with all, recognized by God's grace for exceptional abilities. Exceptional, yesterday, was the commendation. 

And it's all only as God gives grace. Everything we are each able to undertake is only as He empowers, having gifted. Everything we are skilled in, a matter of ordination. Just as our limitations are also divinely ordained. That we glorify Him both through our abilities and through our need, dependent upon Him for all, and then all the more conscious of that total reality. 

Jesus entered this world to redeem. God the Son added to Himself a human nature. He united Himself, in that moment, forever-after with us, as our kindred. 

Briefly

 Things are picking up pace again, maybe?

In any event, trusting Christ is the only option. He keeps reminding me, too, that I can’t depend on my own understanding—defer to Him, don’t defile my conscience, and continue to seek Him. 

He will lead, and He will provide. 

That is everything. 

Emotional Falls

There is a not-insignificant amount of time spent praying about and meditating upon right relationships with others, particularly men. I do still hope to marry someday, although recognizing that's in God's hands--grateful to know compromising what's important will not be permitted. 

How is it that we are supposed to interact, honorably, though? I falter, again and again--eventually realizing I've entered situations (so, my own fault) where I've inappropriately shared of myself: saying too much of too intimate a nature, for being outside the bonds of a committed relationship: To forge a significantly private, exclusive emotional bond with someone of the opposite sex without intent except to know them deeply is a degree of intimacy which really belongs in marriage, in my estimation. And yet, that's not something I had really recognized before. 

Under the Mighty Hand of God

As sent elsewhere, but amended somewhat to share more generally here for prayer also:

Very trying week here, and just praying through present circumstances it occurred to me to share for prayer. 

We didn’t do much to compare notes on the present social climates and the current circumstances regarding progression of the past year’s globally emerging ideologies, through strictures and regimented narratives…I just kind of assumed things were more or less as they had been last we discussed: woefully tense, deeply illogical, and mindlessly oppressive. I assume the continuation of these matters along the recognized trajectory we have previously discussed.

I don’t generally feel a need to discuss details of such matters, as it’s all more of the same, progressing anyways—Romans 1 in sharper, and still sharper, relief. 

When It All Caves In

 This won’t be long, likely. A migraine is attempting to settle in—exhaustion, allergies, and dehydration (not sure if crying is a factor). My woes are still far lesser than those of many. But each man knows his own griefs.

These past weeks have presented a rapid-fire assault of fears, griefs, uncertainties, and heartbreaks. Life, no? 

One small explosion to the next, seemingly with no end. What’s next? I’m overwrought and overwhelmed. 

If it were not for Jesus’s faithfulness, interventions on so many fronts and in so many ways—small reminders of His love, continual, I would be wholly consumed.

He is always gracious. Sometimes His grace is more apparent than at others. But particularly when all the world crashes in—sometimes in larger ways, and also for standard measure, in those things which are also just pain and loss: for instance, I hang my hopes too freely. He seems intent to get that to stop.

Lord, I can’t do this. Help, please. I will trust you. Though You slay me, I will praise you…if You will but give me grace to do so. I am wholly at Your mercy. Please help.

Committed

I have faltered so much under the weight of difficulty lately, particularly in the past two days. All that remains is to commit this too to the Lord, being humbled once more by the reality of my own weakness and utter dependence upon Him. Were He not merciful and long suffering and faithful to uphold His will, all would have ever been lost. I would have no hope for deliverance or righteousness, to please and honor Him.

But Jesus overcame and He will transform me, even if He desires to do so very gradually that I may be the more aware of His all-sufficiency and mercies and of my absolute lack, apart from Him, unto praise. He will be glorified regardless what sometimes seems the case, when my own wretchedness and the wretchedness of all mankind looms large.

Briefly: Mercies in the Midst of Trial

Grief upon grief, once more. Yet the Lord carries me. Because I can't right now: one onslaught after another, wave upon wave.

And yet, by His grace, then don't cover my head to drowning. Rather, they do, as Spurgeon attested, throw me up against the Rock of Ages. 

Seeing God's kindnesses in so many ways, in the midst of all this, has indeed been such a blessing. I wish I could recount them all here. I've shared bits and pieces with those nearest me, as such have become apparent.

He has answered so many prayers, recently. Not least of which, and of which I've spoken to absolutely no one apart from the Lord, prior to typing this...is asking that people in my church will go to evangelize the trailer parks. I have been pleading with Him for that for the past year. 

It is happening, Saturday. for the first (to my knowledge, and hopefully not the last) time since I've resumed worshipping with this blessed family of believers. I cannot tell you what this means to me. 

And at this particular moment, especially. I keep daring to ask Him for particular mercies on that front, as well, though with much trembling...knowing my unworthiness to even ask this of Him, and particularly given my wretchedness at times past. 

As He wills, though. Out into the highways and byways, calling them to come in...we need to beckon..

I need sleep, but hopefully there will be time given toward writing again soon. So much has happened. The Lord has been so gracious.

I continue to be amazed at the reality of having died with Christ--that truly, who I am now is according to the unity of life I have with Him in His resurrection. As the person I was, united with Jesus in His crucifixion, death, and burial...is dead and gone. 

That...is unfathomable. 

Bearing Through

 Sometimes, I've reflected on the fact that in each instance where the Lord has carried me through deep waters, there's no public written record of the absolute details. That's not something placed here. I don't detail the events, because that seems to undermine the gravity and sanctity of matters, by my own heart's estimation. It's too easily to take lightly the providences of God, that way, for me. This isn't the case for others, and I do recount matters verbally with brothers and sisters near me...and sometimes, in oblique ways, in personal journals. But this space is not for that purpose, generally speaking. Even to respect the privacy of others, moreover. 

This past week has been a tsunami. Or, no--more like a hurricane: an onslaught of forces far beyond your control, which you are aware is approaching, and the damage of which can't be foreknown in entirety. Some such matters are still referred to as "acts of God" in insurance policies, as matters which couldn't be avoided yet which occurred by natural forces in the world, wreaking havoc. Sin is the wrench in the cogs of the natural order which reap such consequences. 

And even so, He is so merciful. 

I am so overwhelmed and have been so far beyond my own abilities this past week. Matters are still so very dire, and except that the Lord mercifully restrain, there seems to be a tide turning in regard to the general atmosphere. I can't bear the consequences due another, but as one who has been the recipient of wholly undue mercy myself...who once was a wretched blasphemer, ingrate, and hedonistic defiler of all that is holy...I will stand in the gap and plead mercy, for the sake of love and the knowledge of Christ's mercy and the glory He receives for having redeemed for Himself a people. Humbly to plead, though. And humbled in doing so, keenly recognizing my own deserved wrath was not quenched by any merit of my own--I have no stance from which to plead, except Christ. For His sake, by His name, according to the love with which He has loved us, and in keeping with the love of God which He has shed abroad in my own heart. 

He has spared life, this week. And He is working a severe mercy, still, through pain, suffering, incapacitation, and near-abject dependency. I am sorrowful to see these matters, sorrowful to see suffering and fear and uncertainty and anxiety. Yet, I trust God. And He has ordained at times to give us over to sin in entirety, that the flesh might be destroyed--pride leading to the fall, that then the reality of His absolute sovereignty might be humbly acknowledged in repentance. He works according to His own wisdom and will, though. 

Eight years prior to coming to know Jesus, I had a horrible accident which similarly debilitated and altered life. There are still lingering effects, requiring now a conscious dependence upon God for aid: the long-term consequences of multi-lobe traumatic brain injury, primarily. I was laid completely low. And the accident itself was per falling through a balcony railing which had rotted. 

If you've ever had a near-death/death experience (and lived beyond), you will know that time alters in those moments to an absolute crawl--so much passes through your mind, in mere seconds. And even on multiple levels--a conscious progression of deliberation on one front, while memories and regrets and so many things were also being remembering poignantly. 

Of the former sort of thought progression during the fall, I was confronted with the reality of my arrogance. Initially, upon recognizing there was nothing I could do to stop my backward descent, I tried to make myself still the one "in charge" of the situation by altering my perspective to one of satisfaction with events. How horrific, right? Plummeting to my death, but attempting to generate smug satisfaction at entering death, having many times prior attempted suicide and failed at the attempts: trying to think, "well, now, this is finally it, and it'll all be over with: good." 

However, actually facing death revealed that for the lie it truly is. I had many times claimed to want death, moreover to want control of life itself being miserable with my circumstances and wholly discontent in various types of suffering. I had overdosed numerous times. But being confronted with impending demise without any conceivable means of controlling the outcome?--a desire to live arose within me, completely obliterating the professed lie that I was content to finally die. 

Which left me in a dilemma. Because I had long been laboring fully under the idea that I controlled my life and my death. Part of suicidal ideation to me was wanting to have control of death: I feared it, plus I was discontent with being unable to do everything in life I wanted, so to deal with the fear it seemed also good to just get it out of the way and be done with it: to take matters into my own hands. A complex series of thoughts, being oversimplified in that statement, but this was part of the rationale. 

Finding myself in a position where I recognized and could no longer deny my desire to live, while facing death, I was also fully confronted with the reality that I didn't control whether I lived or died. That caused me to panic a bit more, initially. I wracked my brain for some way to land which would ensure I survived--I was falling head-down, backward, toward brick and a concrete bench. There seemed nothing that would ensure survival--too far gone. Nothing I knew, at least. 

Which then, too, confronted me with the reality that I could neither control whether I lived or died nor the condition in which I lived. I realized I could be a paraplegic, a quadriplegic, or even left in a completely vegetative state: trapped in my own body, unable to speak or move or even open my eyes but only hear. That terrified me, too. 

But there was absolutely nothing I could do to control it. There was nothing I could do to alter what was happening. I couldn't influence the outcome. Which put to lie all the life I'd been living. The horrors of witchcraft are beyond fathoming, and my own practices were nothing so far as many folks go. Just the absolute wretchedness of attempting to defy God even blatantly in the spiritual, taking control there--though none can be taken, moreover, rather it's just another sort of blasphemy and rebellion against the most loving, perfect Being. 

In that last realization of my own incapacitation and absolute impotence, I was humbled. And I submitted to God's will. And He spared me. I did die briefly, twice that day. But was resuscitated. And now, unless I tell people...they don't generally know I deal with any limitations even, as a result. 

God granted such grace. And in the face of that, as soon as I began regaining ability to function...I turned my back on Him, overtly. I went right back to New Orleans, where I'd been living, in the middle of Mardi Gras. And I continued to overtly deny and blaspheme Him for many years after that, which is gut-wrenching to reflect upon. 

No one was attempting to plead Christ with me, through all that. No one was attempting to get me to read Scripture. My mother cared for me, kept me in her home, took care of all my physical necessities, but just as soon as I was able to walk and function somewhat normally again (having relearned to read and use numbers, privately)...I went right back. Like a dog to its vomit, yes. 

It was four years after that when I started crying out to Jesus to save me, having been confronted yet again and again with my mortality and the encroaching nearness of death as a consequence of my sinful ways. I wanted to quit living as I did, finally, at that point--the Lord gave grace for that, at least, even if I wasn't fully converted. Because I didn't give it up, finding that my delight was in those matters which were killing me, and that I was powerless to cease from what I enjoyed. Rather, I wanted life to continue, thus wanted to cease for self-preservation's sake. 

I knew that it would have to be from God, to be able to cease. 

Four years after I started asking Jesus to save me, He did. So, eight years after that fall, His will was done in my heart unto salvation. 

My hope and prayer is that not nearly so much wretchedness and suffering has to continue for that work to be complete in this beloved one, now. 

God has spared life. He delights to save. 

I will trust Him. 

He will give me grace for the day, even fearing for life and grieving over sin and suffering. 

To Be Brief: Trust

Everything is so strange right now. So much hostility, so much fear, and all manner of confusions on all sides.

God is merciful and He will keep those who are Him. He will forgive those who turn to Him.

Again and again, I am reminded of Scriptures which speak of people hiding under rocks and in caves, at God’s judgments—refusing to repent. Still indignant, set against His sovereignty.  

I’ll plead as He leads. But I can’t force hands either. Whatever He wills, He will accomplish. 

I am afraid. But I trust the Lord, when I fear. I trust Him to constrain me, to redirect me, to use me even when my own heart and mind are so woefully, atrociously faithless. To so falter from trusting Him wholeheartedly, as to fear…is sad. 

He is so trustworthy. Jesus laid down His life for us. He humbled Himself, taking on flesh…and bore our disdain and mockery and insensitivity and faithlessness while among us. And He loved the Father perfectly even so, and loved us perfectly from that space, in spite of our wretchedness. 

He gave His life to purchase us, to free us, to give us life. He will not abandon us. And He knows how tomorrow will come, and He will guide our steps.

Whom He loves, He chastens, and He disciplines those who are His children. His judgment begins with us. And for those who are His, this is refining, to His glory and our confirmation to the image of our blessed Lord.

He will not forsake us. We have been bought with His own blood. We can trust Him.

Logistics

 So, I'm shifting just a couple things right now, considering that present circumstances may warrant. 

One step to the next, as the Lord allows and gives. 

Much in the world is seemingly out of order right now. It isn't, given that God is in control, and yet we have been largely given over to sin. Which is, being given over to further and further depths of delusion--even to the end that we destroy ourselves, literally killing ourselves, and yet considering that good. 

Murder assess dads has been considered increasingly acceptable for the most innocent of all, for quite some time in this country. While increasingly, there's a push to obliterate punishment for violent offenses. The past year has been so eye-opening. 

God will not be mocked. Either we will repent or we will be judged, all the more. 

And Jesus stands ready to forgive all who will but come to Him. 

Live in God’s Word

This will bear repeating, always:

How are we to please God, unless we know and understand Him as to distinguish rightly (discern) between His will and the world’s and the flesh’s counterfeits? Because that is always it: counterfeit righteousness, counterfeit goodness, counterfeit love, counterfeit truth. 

Our and Satan’s counterfeits of God’s truth are yet so desultory that to even call them counterfeit is to unduly exalt them in estimation: not approaching unto the mastery of form or representation which a toddler’s drawing manages, in presenting an image of the actual.

And yet, in choosing to exalt something alongside Him, which is to assert there is a matter superior to Him (wholly impossible), is to have so significantly departed from what is real and true that we are effectively blind, becoming increasingly insensate to actual surpassing worth (inestimable) of the source of all meaning of all worth. Forsaking truth...we forsake truth. Choosing blindness...becoming blind. Having forsaken life...we die. Effectively.

So the matter of coming to rightly divide truth is a work of His grace upon the dead, returning some measure of sensibility, if at all returned to life as to fear and love God, in Christ Jesus, who is our Redeemer, God the Son.

We are then to grow in that knowledge. We get to know Him. Via His Word: now illuminated by the Holy Spirit indwelling all His saints.

We take for granted the disparity between what was our blindness, too easily. We were dead in our sins. Dead. Incapable of right thought, act, speech, per our own initiative. We could not obey, even as we would not love Him, for having exalted lies as worthy all our devout pursuit, rather than to worship the Creator and honor Him.

Had He not intervened, none would have come to Him. Yet in His mercy, He has placed His love upon some—He has chosen to have mercy on some, in spite of our reviling and hatred of Him. None of us wanted nor would repent, yet He drew us, and chose some to be set apart for His especial use. According to the good pleasure of His will, some have been adopted as sons and daughters, through and in Jesus Christ, who gave Himself to suffer our just punishment, who satisfied the infinite debt of wrath we incurred...loving us, having set His love upon us, while we yet despised and rejected Him. He has had mercy on some. 

All are commanded to obey and repent. Those whom the Father has given as the portion for which Christ died, they will obey. All had ought. All are without excuse.

So, we must repent. And seek to honor Him. To honor Him, we must know His nature and His will. 

Jesus said that in the last days, if it were possible even the elect would be deceived. How rife the beguiling, nuanced pseudo-truths, then? How insidious the pretense of false hopes and false love and false peace?

When the false prophets called out, “Peace, peace!,” while there was no peace and judgment approached, the people listened. They were destroyed for a lack of knowledge. 

It’s those who know their God who will stand firm. Those who wait upon Him will not grow weary. And if our thoughts are fixed on Him, He will keep us in perfect peace—if we trust Him. He will lead us. 

We must know Him and understand Him. His Word is pure. Fear of Him is pure, and is the beginning of knowledge and wisdom.

How can we trust Him, if we don’t know Him, in truth? And how can we say we know Him, if we do not know Him well enough to understand something of who and how He is? How can we understand Him, if we will not hear Him out and strive to understand what He has said of Himself? If we neglect what He has said, how can we have any hope to learn of Him? We are otherwise contented with phantasms, our own kindling.

Seek Him while He may be found. It is a terrible and awesome thing to fall into the hands of a living God. He is a consuming fire.

We cannot please Him apart from truly believing Him—trusting Him. We must, then, intimately know His Word. 

Upending Order?: Universal Psychosis

 There's not time to write much right now. 

I still keep thinking on how we're being given over. Especially as recognizing we are presented with reflections of ourselves, inherent present judgments: we make ourselves a caricature of what God created us to be, and He turns us over to that, all the more...to defile ourselves, from the outset, then increasingly to rejection of all reality.

One of the matters especially prominent in meditations has to do with evidences of judgment which the Lord cited as fundamental, in the 3rd chapter of Isaiah: 

4“I will make mere lads their leaders, 

and children will rule over them.”

5The people will oppress one another, 

man against man, neighbor against neighbor; 

the young will rise up against the old, 

and the base against the honorable.

12Youths oppress My people, 

and women rule over them. 

O My people, your guides mislead you; 

they turn you from your paths.

...

Granted, I know these statements are made in the context of significant cultural events. I realize He is speaking directly to Judah (whether there are specific implications thereby for the church, only He knows). While I also know all of Scripture is God-breathed and suitable for instruction, conviction, correction, and training in righteousness--iow, suitable for all things needful, for us.  

He presents us with snapshots of His being and will and He reserves the right to allow the consequences of sin to break forth. And as the above-cited matters were provided as signs (being divine ordinances) of judgment upon the nation of Judah, it seems entirely feasible to consider that He would ordain such as signs of judgment, at any time. 

I twice encountered--broadly and enthusiastically proffered, as it happens--children castigating an assembly of...perhaps school board members...last week. In two different states in the U.S. 

Adults have done so, as well, but that was not received with such fervor. 

Also, consider the Thunberg situation, for another precise example: this is a child being exalted as a (the?) world leader, for one of the focal points of the religion of our day. 

I encounter the same thing in academia, as well--the students judge the teachers, and the teachers are to look to students to gain the most information on how they are to "better" their work. 

What's perceived as being socially responsible--requesting the insight of youth--moreso indicates that the wisdom of the aged is now despised. That whole matter has been many months contemplated, though the point made at the 12th verse has been contemplated since 2014:

As tough a pill as that was for me to swallow, for women to be placed in positions of prominent leadership in government (and in the church) is presented as a sign of God's judgment. 

For more context on the struggle with that specific: 

When I first came to know Christ, there was a dual-edged desire for belief that this matter is other than it is. 

First off, in my zeal to know God and to explore the breadths and depths and heights and width of understanding His ways, I wanted such pursuits to explicitly characterize all of my purpose in life: occupationally, professionally, as a matter of gainful employment. It seemed right to me, that if I should have such a desire to know Him, and relish the pursuit with such poignancy beyond measure, then it should be absolutely undeniable that I could occupy a position as pastor. Yes, I encountered those "troublesome" verses in the New Testament, but thought surely there had to be some explanation other than to disqualify me out-of-hand. So, I spent about a year and a half searching, reading, discussing, praying for some way for those verses to mean something other than what they say. It was too close to home--too emotional and personal a matter, to divulge this struggle with others, apart from in exceedingly trusted company. 

The second aspect which made this matter too close to my heart to allow open discussion: my mother pastored churches...for the last (seven or so) years of her life. She was an ordained lay-speaker for the Methodist church, assigned full pastorate of three churches in WV where no one else was available (willing?) to accept leadership. It was bad enough to consider her suicide in the new light come through Christ, but to further consider that she was disobeying God's direct command by taking on the position of pastor?--that was beyond the pale. 

I couldn't stomach either of those notions, at first. But continual study, continual prayer, and over the course of being healed by God's gracious kindness and love toward me--learning to trust Him more wholeheartedly, increasingly thoughtful of the decision to do so...were such that, eventually, He gave me grace and peace to lay down my armor and accept that His will is far superior to my desires and fears.

On the one hand, it's not about restricting me from doing something I'm "suited for," but about having created me for other roles--in Christ, humility being the foremost calling (coming to Him contrite, denying oneself as to pursue His righteousness), I'm called to submit to His will rather than my own desires: recognizing again and again that He knows what is good, and though my heart may try to argue otherwise in selfishness, whatever "seems" to me to be right is of no merit or second thought whatsoever, to any degree that it contradicts what His express will truly is. And where there are matters which are by any means unclear?--the better way is, for loving God, to err on the side of restraint: It is far better to deny myself rather than displease the One most dear: far better to forego something uncertain than to rationalize indulging myself and end up grieving His Spirit. (Oh, if only I had that clarity always!)

Secondarily, He has led me to know a different sort of love--different from the purported love I practiced while a worldling: godly love isn't expressly contingent on never disagreeing with others but rather, recognizing that God is supreme and His love is purest, true love upholds are pursues what He has revealed as right, recognizing such is truly so and ultimately effects good for all. Where there exists any disagreement with God's express, ordained will, the most loving thing to do is to plead for a conformity to or reconciliation with His will: this expressly entails making apparent any divide which exists between His will and whatever else is at-hand. So, love requires distinguishing between what is true and what is not. Love requires presenting such matters for discussion. 

So, I can love and still honor my mother without having to either a) pretend there weren't major points of disagreement or b) refrain from recognizing and accepting some of her actions were at odds with God's will. This latter is still a huge struggle in the midst of a society which increasingly demands that everyone not only "tolerate" but also approve of everything done by everyone, especially when undertakings and ideologies exist in defiance of God. 

The social norm which indicates that people must be considered either beyond reproach or absolutely reprobate may be a convolution of the reality of what it is to either be in God's kingdom or in the kingdom of darkness, however it absolutely forsakes reality: we're all sinners in the hands of a righteous God. 

None is without sin, even as all are commanded to repent and believe on the Gospel. Having ever thus repented, such will never cease so long as there's life and breath on this earth.

All to say, though, the notion that women being placed as leaders hits home for me in a lot of ways. And the Lord has humbled me, to acknowledge that His truth is correct. I still am conflicted about matters, in terms of what's appropriate: even to share here, as I do--I don't know who comes, I don't know who reads. But I'm not undertaking to lead, I'm not set out to teach. I'm sharing what the Lord has opened my eyes to, moreover, as a testament to His work, a testament to His faithfulness, and out of a desire to glorify Him through this, trusting that He will use this as He sees fit. Period. 

I think of Deborah, sometimes. She was the major outlier in the Old Testament--being a woman raised up by the Lord, to judge the nation of Israel. And even to lead, and as a prophetess in some capacity, as His judge. And yet, His choice of her as such was within the paradigm of what was spoken through Isaiah--it wasn't a matter of changing the status quo, but of indicating judgment, as there were no men righteous. 

Psalm 68:11 had been the last-ditch effort, attempting to recast all the rest of the whole of Scripture: I clung to that, for a time, trying to make it mean that women were preachers of the Gospel in the same sense that pastors lead churches. Problem is, that's not what the verse says. And we do see evidence of Moses' sister leading the women in song, praising God, prophesying. And even of witnessing of the truth of God, in Christ's earthly ministry. Yet, though each was given a position as witness of His identity, sharing the Gospel...they were not pastors. These women, such as the woman at the well, were given great honor to be made the purveyors of revelation from God, of God, without being made to be elders, priests, bishops. Even Phillip's daughters, who were prophetesses...gave prophesy. But they weren't called pastors. 

It's not a matter of being ill-equipped, but of being called to submit to God's ordained order--which submission goes against everything in us which opposes Him. If we will not submit to so small a matter as His ordained roles, then what else have we already forsaken?

Everything He is, and which He has given as a archetype directing us to recognize His ways and nature: one of the foremost being Christ's relationship with the church, signified by marriage. 

Reading Malachi last week was gut-wrenching, of that matter. Love covers a multitude of sins. Is there any one of us who is without sin, when it comes to idolatry, which is spiritual adultery? God is explicit in that last point, regarding all He has spoken through the prophets, and finally in His Son. At which point, when we falter, does He then cut us off with a writ of divorcement? Where is that paper, for us each? Did Christ not nail it to the cross, in His own flesh? And for those who make excuse according to two verses in Matthew's Gospel--to be entirely consistent, divorce must be granted over pornography "use," since Christ explicitly indicated that to be adultery since what's in the heart is what's effective before God, and ultimately for the wife as well whether physical encounter is involved. 

The crux of the matter is moreso: who are we not to extend that same mercy, spouse to spouse--till death do part? If Christ put to death in His flesh what was written against us, for an eternal covenanting with us, and has made us one with Himself, all?...who is man to separate what God has united, even with a portion of His Spirit in the union? 

Paul very clearly indicated that even as the law is unto death, so is marriage. And for those, of this latter, who experience desertion or require it as a matter of sparing life and haleness of one's dependents...how great a grief. And yet, the call was to remain alone or be reconciled to one's spouse.

Had we not forsaken and compromised on that matter, refusing to uphold vows, refusing to commit to vows, rationalizing the savagery of divorce, perhaps the rest would not be so severely manifest now. 

As He wills, though. As He wills. And yet, one sin yields to the next. Formative union with Christ is forsaken, then the Headship is compromised, perforce such division: women become the head, in the world. So, what growth can there be, then? Only stunted, at best, as the body itself is unwholesome: immaturity is the extent of development, so youth are considered wise guides. And a confusion of all purposes proliferates, besides. Increasingly. Now, to the extent that people "marry" inanimate objects and physically incapacitate themselves, and to speak definitively on truth is considered violence. 

May He give grace for the day, as all we have is either daily manna or famine: the choice is ours, though sovereignly ordained. 

Christ's Call: Counterfeits Crumble

 The last and this, particularly, I am so frustrated: those things which are recognized are beyond ability to adequately convey. 

This is something always the case with the Gospel. Which, now recognizing that's the case, alleviates fear surrounding always considering expressions incomplete. There is always a sense of having faltered from communicating sufficiently the truth of Christ and His word and His work. Moreover, that's submitted to God, seen as a paltry offering laid before Him, as to dare even speak of His truths except that to refrain would be untenable, terrifying, unsettling beyond measure: ever a sense of urgency, but with no relief apart from pleading.

Being here and sharing here is a part of that endeavor, though different: what He has given, of grace, wisdom, insight, deliverance, I am compelled to share. Not unwilling, but of gratitude and in awe. Fear-wearied and grief-stricken, sometimes, to recognize something further of the wretchedness of mankind and my own sin, yeah. But desiring to share, nonetheless. All I can do is still trust the Lord to give grace to others, even as He has to me, in what remains awaiting sanctification and what yet needs conformity to truth, of my own perceptions which are shared: I don't always perceive rightly, as my lens is still so distorted. And there's so much still to learn (for eternity to come, there will be, even once seeing face-to-face). 

Sometimes the inadequacy of ability to convey the severity and extent of a matter is a point of grief, though--wanting to plead more clearly, to relay the significance of what is with greater articulation of point and scope. If we would all just read His Word more continually, and live and breathe in the matters of His presence and faithfulness, we would walk more completely in the light of truth. 

There is a thing happening now, like an inversion. As an outworking of recently prior ideas considered here, this is proliferate. 

And yet, those who know their God will stand firm and do exploits. 

Consider our calling--the people of God. Those who call themselves by the name of Christ are called to love, as He loved. This, in such an encompassing and absolute manner that by nature, the very act seems as though a new commandment: the course has always been to love God and from that position, to love others. The entirety of the Ten Commandments which He codified in written form, writing on stone by His own hand...are an exegesis of those two matters: Love God, and in loving God, love others. 

Seek justice. Love mercy. Walk humbly with God. 

There is no partiality. There is no partisanship, in serving God, even as there always has been and always will be a distinction according to those who obey God and those who refuse Him still--nonetheless, the call is to love Him, and from that position of deference, love others as He ordains. 

According to all truth and righteousness, in other words. 

Departure from the first, greatest commandment inherently signifies departure from the second, which is like it: we cannot fundamentally reject God, which is to reject truth and righteousness, and synchronously pursue and accomplish truth and righteousness--this is not merely a matter of such matters being inherently contradictory, but of such notions constituting ontological opposition: what "is not," simply "is not;" whereas, what "is," therefore "is." What "is" may not "not be," just as much as what "is not" can not "be." Why these matters have taken up so much time and thought may never make sense to me. 

On which note, it's worth mentioning--as I've heard it more-or-less presented, somewhere along the lines of the past few years' of study: when discussing matters such as these, if someone attempts to argue against the very existence of reality (and/or truth), they're actually blatantly insisting their argument has no merit toward credence from the outset: if nothing "is," or if truth didn't exist, there would be no valid position from which any argument could be made. Put another way: if someone tells you nothing is true or nothing is real, they're telling you not to take them seriously. So, don't. Just share the Gospel, if the Lord wills.

Creation attests God exists as our Creator, and attests He is all-wise, all-powerful, and righteous, and as being so--as Creator and sustainer (we still exist, after all)--it follows that He requires accord with His nature, of His creation. Our consciences attest to this very fact. 

So, central to the commandments is deference to God. Our calling, for all who are called by His name, is to walk in love. Even as Jesus walked. He gave Himself up for us, an offering for sin. 

He calls us to love as He loved. We are to esteem others more highly than ourselves, moreover. For wherever is envy, so is all manner of horror and destruction, in community. 

All's topsy-turvy now. All the more we must submit to God for all guidance, to truly walk in love, while reviled, while despised, while spurned, mocked, castigated, berated, and even when and were assaulted. We must take up our cross, daily. He has borne, and He will carry. Our sins. Now us, even in this walk. 

Righteous zeal is passionate, yet not unchecked. Righteous zeal is subject to God, knowledgeable, rooted in love of Christ. The spirits of the prophets have indeed been subject to the prophets. And so, we must be temperate in all things, letting not our anger give way to sin. For vengeance is the Lord's, in all cases. 

We will plead His truth, plead with our fellow man (which is man and woman, as from Adam), and plead with one another: with all exhortation. We will plead with God, foremost and ever, even as to be fitted to all the rest. 

If we forsake turning to Him and relying upon Him now, foremost and centrally, we will not stand in the day of adversity. And woe is the one whose strength fails him in that day. If we know Him, as to love Him, we will renew our strength. He is with us--His Spirit, living water, overflowing. We must continue to turn to Him, and keep returning to Him, fixing our eyes on Christ. 

Present sufferings will not compare to that day, eternal: knowing we deserve no reward, and then even just to see His face...what will it be, dear friend, to finally look upon the face of that One who loved us, giving Himself up for us? While we yet despised Him. To enter His presence, fully, and be destroyed of all which is unlike Him in an instant...and undone, except to worship, eternal? 

We will overcome. For He has overcome, and it's not now by our might, nor by our strength that we will walk in the light of His truth, but by His Spirit. So, stand firm. Know Him. Love Him. Do that which He ordains and calls, and equips, and gives speech as to do: ever tempered by the grace of His love and peace, to guide and guard your heart. Keep your thoughts fixed on Him. See all in light of His truth, only. Trust Him for deliverance. He will deliver. He will complete the work which He began. 

This current shift is a reiteration of prior days, in ways: legislating "good," enforcing "kindness," requiring "unity," mandating "charity," which is to say--mandating "lovingkindness." The world powers are defining what is good, now, and mandating lovingkindness: mandating self-sacrifice, moreover, as unto new life and liberty. Learn the creeds. Submit to the word from on high. God is not essential, since they now dictate what is true and what worship is desirable and acceptable. 

God's requirements for assembly and His principles for worship have been relegated to a position of being considered option, at best. Death rules, instead, and dictates what to worship, and how and when: according to the new high priest/s. We may only worship as they permit. 

I understand the moment of true concern which inspired many to capitulate last year, conceding that assembly to worship was not essential, conceding God's mandate not to forsake assembly (especially as the day draws near) was contingent on circumstances and what was most considerate to other people in particular circumstance. Yet, I think we were all wrong to do so, for even a moment. Love is not love, apart from submitting to God. And if He has mandated a thing--whether we agree or not, whether we understand or not--we are to strive in the Spirit of God to obey. Whatever the cost. We may grieve as we go, but if we know Him and trust Him, we must follow Him and submit to His righteous demands--as to our loving Father, who knows better than we do what we, and all others, need. 

So, now, a bounty of counterfeits for all the decrees of God and fruits of His Spirit are running amok, and being treated as law. If we don't want to serve and obey Him, we will be subject to those laws which we have erstwhile chose, per refusal to submit to His designs. He allows us to have as we wish, to a point. Some, to discipline and grow in grace, and others to store up wrath for the day of judgment. 

So, then, will we love as He loved? But by grace alone, I assure you it will be so: He will be glorified through His people. 

Father, convict us. Mold us, please, into the image of our Beloved Saviour. Let our love for Him flourish, in the light of a burgeoning realization of the depths of His love for us. Oh, dear Lord, please help us to see you more clearly, that we would long to set aside all hindrances and distractions, and just bask in the light and the joy of your Presence and your glorious hope, in Christ Jesus. 

You are able. You are mighty to save. You set the boundaries of the sea, tell the waves, "This far, and no further," and You cause the sun to rise, life to persist, and our every breath to nourish our bodies. You can cleanse us, that we will walk more serenely in the light of Your love, to Your glory. Father, may we glorify You? Lead us, Father, please--in the way we should God. Turn our eyes continually to Christ. 

Please, Dear Father, have mercy on us, for Christ's sake: cleanse us, all the more, to Your glory. Let us be content in You, and draw many more to Yourself, please. 

These things which are so exalted in opposition to Your truth, to Your Spirit's wondrous work--Oh, Lord, please cast them down, trample them in the dust. I know You will. I know You will be glorified, in all the earth. Father, please glorify Yourself in us, Your people. Let us love as You have called us to love, and speak words of truth and peace, as You have ordained: Father, please give us speech. We know naught to do as we ought, and yet by Your Spirit, may we be ever more pleased and content to be kept and led. 

Lord, please store Your Words in our hearts: Give us temerity and tenacity, to engage your Word openly with all humility and let it sear itself in our minds and our hearts, for every day, henceforth and forever: let us never lack remembrance of Your Words, dear Lord. 

Be honored in our lives, Father. Amen. 

Mockery: Divine Judgments

 There are so many things, lately. God will not be mocked. 

If we choose to worship anything other than our Creator, who sustains all of creation...He gives us over to delusion. It was explained to me once in terms which were so poignant, of His wisdom in giving us to quite a fitting judgment: we give glory which is His due to objects of our own creation or even to those other creatures which He has made, rather than to honor and worship and obey the One who gives and takes life, and He thus also allows our minds to be convoluted in a like fashion. Analogous to worship of what is made, what is creaturely, versus the Almighty Giver of Life, then also do we destroy ourselves increasingly in a fashion directly correspondent. 

Our primary purpose is to worship Him. And we were also tasked with taking dominion over the earth. As were were to fill the earth, and subdue it (in a positive fashion, all, as to God's glory--increasing the yield, restoring from the curse's distortions...sowing and reaping that which is good). Our thoughts become futile, empty, void of our first purpose: we cease to recognize our calling as creatures created to worship our Creator, created to serve and enjoy Him as His created being, so we falter even from the ability to discern rightly. Our hearts being darkened--we cease to walk in understanding, we can no longer recognize truth for having forsaken it at the most fundamental level. We have forsaken that which is the most vital and integral truth of all: Our God reigns in the heavens and He does as He pleases, and He is to be praised and honored as God. 

So, our minds are void of fundamental understanding--bearing in mind that fear of God is the beginning of knowledge and of understanding; See: Proverbs 1:7, Proverbs 9:10, and all of creation{Romans 1:20}. And being blind to the truth, foolish of mind, our hearts falter from rightful purpose, and having defiled our very being by faltering from what is rightful and pure, we have made a mockery of the high calling which was given to man as image-bearers of God. And in doing so, we are given over to those beliefs, desires, and activities which present an increasingly severe caricature of our purpose and calling. Ultimately, as we increasingly revile our Maker, we are given over to defile and destroy what we were given to use to honor and glorify Him: our intellect, our hearts, our bodies, our lives.

Everything is destroyed in an increasing, somewhat proportionate correlation to our faltering.

We are mocked by our mockery of truth, which is really, actually very appropriate. 

Ultimately, it's as unto death. Increasingly, even, there are those who are so given over to this judgment that they maim themselves intentionally, to fulfill what they believe is appropriate. Unto eradication of all ability, bit by bit. 

Even as the greatest proponents of "liberation" from God now celebrate and attempt to propagate self-genocide, itself eroding reproductive odds, increasingly...so, too, does implementation of self-induced sterilization gain traction for all ages. We had chosen to make a mockery of ourselves, and increasingly we choose to deepen and broaden the manifest methods of our self-destruction. If we refuse to choose life, we actively choose death, by design. There is no alternate paradigm, no matter how clever we believe ourselves to have become--rather, the point is that in our attempts at cleverness we make ourselves increasingly to be fools. And this is manifest along all lines.

Will we repent and seek God, and submit to Him? Will we choose life? 

Globally, death is the new drug: heady, it is. And it seems we can't get enough. 

The things which go on behind closed doors, with those in power--what bits I know, I have not recounted. Really, beyond mentioning--to even speak of such things is sin. 

And it's not as though there haven't been similar atrocities. Yet, how much will God permit? How far will He allow this to go?

Have you ever wondered what it would be, for the land to vomit up a nation? (Leviticus 18:25, Leviticus 18:28, Leviticus 20:22) ...that the very land, itself, would rise up against mankind? There's something very unsettling at the idea of that, and yet what is it for there to be famines and earthquakes in diverse places, and the tossing of the sea become a terror? (Luke 21:25-32, Matthew 24:6-8) 

We don't know the day nor the hour when Jesus Christ will return. But we know He will. 

So many things. 

Judgment, Confusion, and Certainty

 Sometimes everything seems so confusing to me. How ought interaction to be? What should I be doing with my life? Is my time well spent? Why are there not more people near? What is the appropriate way to air concerns about society and the world? Where is it most appropriate to plead God's Truth, unto the Gospel? Is it wrong to long for marriage?

Should I be able to disengage from my emotions well enough not to be affected by so many things? Should I be less open with my beliefs and feelings, in general? Or just more diplomatic, in discussion?

And it's just endless--on and on, concerned about what's right, what's wrong, and how things should be and be understood and undertaken. 

Sometimes, turning those thoughts toward the Lord--asking Him for wisdom--He grants insight, or peace, or clarity. But sometimes, the need to just submit everything to Christ and seek Him and take matters one step at a time is all that's realized. 

I want very much right now to be able to have absolute clarity on the particular matter of how to have godly interactions with my brothers in Christ. That is a point of sorrow, really--wanting there to be some way to have nearness without emotional developments. And it was pointed out to me a couple months ago (or maybe one month ago) that I don't experience that sort of emotional development with married men, so the same should be the standard unless a man is actively, openly pursuing me--having stated his intention clearly. 

That sounds great. Because that is the case, when it comes to married men--there's something different, internally, as response. But then, in general, there's really sparse interaction with other women's husbands, except for in very specific, fairly stringently controlled contexts. So, possibly that is a vital difference--preventative measures, given an the overarching revulsion for known adultery? And I don't usually interact much with men now at all, on the whole--maybe that's also of real significance?

Maybe the fundamental need really is for guarding my heart more closely, to prevent a turning in such a direction? It has been recommended that allowing too free a range of motion for thoughts is problematic, on this front: that it's needful not to even allow for considering the possibility of potential developments, period, unless a man has outright expressed interest. 

Which makes sense. 

I just need prayer on this front? It's so much easier to just be withdrawn and reclusive and quiet, than to interact and continually battle such things--which makes me wonder, then, if it would not be better to just be always quiet and withdrawn. Maybe that needs to be the case for me--very guarded interactions, largely distant. Because anything more generally seems beyond my ability to endure, of temptation to think more of interaction than is the case. Maybe this won't always be so. Whatever would be more honorable to the Lord and others is what I want.

This dual-nature of life, of the already and not-yet, is so trying at times. If thoughts weren't so self-centered, so humankind-centered also, this wouldn't be as confounding. But life is proceeding, in the midst of the world. And until He opens my eyes more clearly to a better way and liberates me more completely, I will continue to strive in the midst and against temptations. 

If I walk in the Spirit, I won't fulfill the deeds of the flesh. I know that, yet again and again, I find myself wanting to walk by sight, rather than faith. Despite also knowing that endurance, perseverance, overcoming, and thriving in this world are not by my own will, nor by my own strength, but by His Spirit. So, again and again, I find that if it weren't for Christ's shepherding, I would only ever stray from Him, and remain astray. Rather than pressing on, fixing my eyes on Him, continually, for He truly is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him. 

Last night, after months of wondering (without searching the internet, obviously), the verse which I've been commingling with one of Isaiah's finally crossed my path again. Those who wait upon the Lord will renew their strength... Isaiah 40:31

...those who know their God will stand firm and take action. Daniel 11:32

Consider this, in light of Paul's call to stand firm, to the Ephesians. We are to equip ourselves fully with the knowledge of our God, ensconced in the sure battlement of His name and all accompanying armors which such knowledge as yields faith amply supplies. Every bit of us is fitted for war by Him, and all the more, the more we grow in our certain knowledge of who He is and what this means, on the whole and toward us in particular, who are saved--saved and adopted according to His good pleasure, to the glory of His grace. We are indeed fitted to stand firm and take action. 

Alternately, another verse which has reverberated through my mind for months and yet which has only just crossed my path finally this week is Jeremiah 5:31. Again and again, "and My people love it so," at every turn for months. 

Reading through that chapter in Jeremiah, though, is like being raked over coals, somehow. This is us, too. And we have loved these things, just as much. Neither the rich nor the poor love justice nor truth. All of us, turned astray. 

Except that He has saved a remnant, eh? As He always does. A people set apart for Himself--of no merit, of our own. Nothing to boast, save His mercy and love, save Christ Himself. We are none responsible for receiving favor. 

And even as it is the sluggard who says he can't go out to do business, because there's a lion in the streets (Proverbs 26:13)...this actually has become so, as a judgment (Jeremiah 5:6). Remaining indoors will not spare a one from God's sight and recompense, as He ultimately gives that which was made an excuse as the actual accounting.

Again and again, He gives us over to what we want. Except that He were merciful, we would all be consumed, even by our own lusts. 

This is such a terror to me, to recognize. God has been mocked by man, though not mocked--none can truly break His bonds. None can truly say that He does not hear--Him, who made the ear; nor, than He does not see--He, who made the eye. He has spoken, twice I have heard this, that power belongs to God. So, though the people of the nation said there would be no judgment, that God's Word through His true prophet/s would not come to pass, but would be of nothing--His judgments are sure, and they did come to pass, are coming to pass, and will do so. His will is done in all the earth.

So, too, that the speech of His chosen ones...is as fire, and those who hear and have mocked Him, dry kindling. They will be set ablaze, an inferno. Though in their rage, there will be an end of utter darkness--weeping and gnashing of teeth.  

These are terrifying things, to consider. If they aren't terrifying to you, I fear for your soul. He is mighty in power, awesome in deed, and He will receive His due rewards, and will be glorified in all the earth, and in all His creation--though some will stand as fitted for His wrath, this is even to His glory. 

Fear Him who can not only take life, but condemn the soul to hell. 

I saw an image months ago, circulating, which gave a very basic and yet precise assessment of a modern development--man attempting to usurp all God's creative power, remaking himself alternately, and the result is one of such absurdity that the image comment author summed all by stating such grotesque attempt at appropriating what was truly elegant in simple, God-given design is in itself so blatantly absurd in contrast as to constitute nothing short of an absolute divine comedy, tragic in the extent of the disparity from what's attempted. This is always what we fall to, when we forsake Him, when we refuse Him. We are given over to degradation and desultory declination, having faltered from our foremost calling--to honor and worship our God. Increasing, are we given over. 

And we are feasting, now, on judgment. Drunk on the cup of wrath. Seeing the effects, the outworkings--flagrant in all ways, in all spaces--and utterly blind. Hearing the sounds of a tumultuous gathering--not quite sounds of rejoicing, nor quite those of war, but horrible, ill-formed, maladapted--and we are deaf. 

He reveals our hearts to us, as we mirror one another, and yet we refuse to see. He blinds our eyes, giving us over to the judgment we yearn to embrace. 

It's gut-wrenching to watch, still. Heart-rending. 

Grief upon grief. 

In the midst of all though, those who are Christ's will increasingly revel in our death. For, if we are His, we are dead indeed--dead to sin, dead to this world, dead ultimately to our flesh and desires. Living only unto Christ. We died with Him, as He died. So, too, we were raised with Him, as He lives. 

That was made so much clearer to me, earlier this week. I was recounting with a friend the abject treachery which was my life, before Christ plucked me from the fire: in more depth than usual, though. Pacts had been attempted, on my part--pacts, to obtain a spiritual end, forsaking my own soul. As though it were mine to give. 

Even though I didn't follow through on continuing in what I had requested to receive, shortly after I'd come to know Christ, a collection was attempted. It was terrifying, and I was helpless but to attempt to hand over what was bartered. But in that instant, and only then, I was made aware that there was nothing in my possession to give. All which was mine is in Christ, now. 

The one who made the pact is dead. Wholly dead. Never to be resurrected, having died in Christ, with Him, as He took me on in bearing my guilt and shame and wrath and rejection and punishment--satisfying all in full. I died when He died. When He satisfied that debt, I was set free--He put sin to death, on that cross. So it's now given that, by His Spirit and with His aid, I can choose to honor and obey Him, loving Him as never had been the case before. 

I am not who I was. Even as, when He resurrected, that new life was also given to me. I live because He lives. 

Same for all, in Him. 

And that's everything. Period. End of story. 

Whatever comes, He is worthy all our obedience. He has borne, He will sustain. 

In Daniel 12, there is statement that the people of God will be delivered in the utmost of the judgment--whether immediately before or during, I still don't quite understand--for just a moment yesterday, it seemed "before," but now...I think perhaps that was not an adequately founded conclusion. God's people are not spared from the suffering, on the whole: Not spared from having to depend upon God for every provision, moment by moment. But there is a sure deliverance, always. He will preserve us. He has borne, and He will carry. 

In light of all this again, the idea of marriage seems so far-fetched for me. Though my heart yearns for that companionship, especially to be spurred on in seeking God and to serve along that course (dying to self in a heightened way), I can't fathom meeting a man who wouldn't be a stumbling block to my faith: put another way, I can't fathom meeting a man who is interested in me whom I would be willing to submit to and be led by as wife. Especially with divorce rife as is now the case, this seems inconceivable. Divorce is not an option for me: from what I read in the Scriptures, marriage is God-given and not be broken by man--if "set apart," then only ever to be reconciled or remaining alone, otherwise adultery occurs. Hosea was a good example of this, particularly: Marriage still foreshadows Christ's taking a bride, as an archetype and example to the world of this. So, I could neither consider divorce as an option (unto marriage, no matter the cause), nor be pursued by someone who has divorced. 

So, regardless of the longing for marriage (one of my foremost, or it wouldn't be so often revisited here), there's no reason to believe I will ever experience that in this life: Forsaking Christ isn't an option. Sinning against conscience would be doing so, in no small way. 

My life is no small reason to believe it all impossible, besides. 

I was told a bit over a year ago that if I wanted to marry, I'd have to basically let go of some of my religion, and just do the things other folks do, as pastimes. That seems ludicrous. If I were to set aside Christ to secure a relationship which is primarily desired as a means of drawing nearer to Him, that would be lunacy. Just as, if I had to sin against my conscience by acting against what I read in the Word, as a means of entering a relationship which I would entertain only to be led in the Word of God, I've forsaken all sense. 

So, I'll just wait and seek Him. And the things which don't make sense, which I don't understand nor know how to go about, tend to become rather small when considered as so fleeting in context of the greater narrative of God's will being done in all the earth. 

Whatever, then. Whatever comes or goes. He remains the same. All the reason more to seek Him. 

Critical Divisions: The Weight of Responsibility

One point of prayer the past year has surrounded the idea of what is needful, to honor the Lord and others, when it comes to matters which are concerning. 

Starting from the Gospel. 

For one, knowing fear of God, we do plead with men. We do so in reverential deference--as, what a fearful thing to callously disregard God's edicts! 

What He has given to each of us--that, we are to share: We are to make disciples. We are to take the talents which have been entrusted to us, and as a good servant, invest those talents to yield a return for Him. We enter His labors. And as any good servant, we are to be found busy and attendant for His return. Knowing fear of Him--His majesty and preeminence, His omnipotence, holiness, and omniscience, et al--we are to be vigilant and sober-minded, keeping that which was given to us, carrying our cross, serving, seeking justice, loving mercy, walking humbly with Him. 

Then, too, fearing Him, we plead with men, knowingly--so that their blood will not be on our hands, though His wrath remains upon them while we are alongside them as possessors of a knowledge unto salvation, having been the recipients of unmerited favor, ourselves. If He grants sight and wisdom, what a dire matter to withhold that from others, knowing their consequence is sure...we are ever indebted to Him, unprofitable servants, and also to our fellow man, for possessing that knowledge apart from which they will enter His judgment. 

What would it be, of moral obligation, to see a child playing on a trestle and say and do nothing if you possessed full knowledge of an oncoming train--in their ignorance and flippancy, they're sealing their own demise by ignoring the situation they've entered and refusing to acknowledge the tell-tale signs of oncoming traffic. But if you were absolutely certain a train is soon to come and you possessed full ability to urgently plead with them to immediately escape sure peril...what would it be for you to selfishly remain silent and avert your eyes, knowing their fate? And what, when that child's father also knows you had seen them in peril and refused to even try to plead with them? This is an inept analogy, but the point is that there is a sort of responsibility (even not being responsible for salvation, ourselves). Our position is of real awareness of an eternal, just punishment awaiting those around us (yes, by their own fault), and we were once just as they are and yet have been delivered out of that fate by merits which weren't our own: If God has shown us mercy, plucking us out of the fire--and has even been so gracious as to adopt us as children, showering us with love--how can we withhold the knowledge of His deliverance from those who remain under His wrath, knowing that His mercy is so sure, and their fate just as certain unless they turn to Him now? 

We're indebted to Him and to those we're around. We should be cast into hell, ourselves. Fearing Him, fearing to fall short, fearing to have their blood on our hands...we should plead with mankind, that they would repent and seek God, receive His mercy...while there's time. 

The further considerations are also that love compels and constrains us--this had ought to be the greatest of all compulsions, except that our hearts are so fickle and often cold. At least I find that in myself--sometimes fear is a necessary prod and restraint, keeping me from wickedness and compelling me to do what is honorable, until a clearer remembrance of Christ and His love once more enriches my vision and fills my heart to overflow with desire to serve Him and honor Him, thus others, once more. 

But this compulsion to share the Gospel is also a compulsion to seek justice. Biblical justice, though--not culturally defined justice. God has made it clear, in His Word, that we are not to give favor to anyone based on either poverty or riches, otherwise we pervert justice--make it into something other than justice. So we can't divert from seeing what is actual of a situation, instance-by-instance, individually. Otherwise, characteristics drive decisions, again averting and diverting justice on the whole. Each situation has to be weighed for itself. Each instance. Even knowing that He has given us blatant moral commandments which stand true for all of humanity. 

He hates haughty self-exaltation, deceptive speech, hands which slay the innocent, those who devise wickedness, swift turnings toward viciousness, perversions of justice through duplicity, and hostile (or generally evil) divisiveness. God despises injustice, malice, deception, duplicitousness, manipulation, vindictiveness, self-centered hostility toward others, and all such acts and presence of hatred wrought by and of a heart of pride. 

God alone is in position to hate righteously. He alone is good. The anger of man does not work righteousness, rather if we are enraged we are to be slow to speak, and even to keep our silence, most often. For our anger is not generally just, whatever the inciting cause. 

Even when we purport to a righteous anger, very often the heart of it is not righteousness but pride, and so that anger is not righteous and will not accomplish righteousness, but divisiveness. 

We are to be angry and not sin. Not to let the sun go down on our anger, either. For vengeance is God's, not ours. Period. 

We can only seek justice as we defer to Him. Hostile destruction of others--through defamation, ostracism, or material devastation--is not justice: That is conceited malice. Blatant disregard for others, giving reign to vicious vindictiveness--trampling on the innocent as much as the wicked: That is unmitigated evil, especially when calling itself righteous. 

Evil many times calls itself good, though. And the world is so deluded, having been given over to worshipping those things which are not God, as wont, that there's not ability to discern good from evil. Evil is called good, and good evil, and all do what is right in their own eyes. And there is injustice in all the land, calling itself justice. 

When unity is attempted by exalting conflict to the position of greatest honor, there can be no unity. When chaos and absolute destruction is being decreed as the new order, there will be no order, but only slavery to lawlessness. We are all either slaves to sin or to God. If we refuse His good law, refuse to submit to Him and serve Him, in serving ourselves, we are captive and slaves to death and destruction, and we sow these in everything we undertake. 

And all the world cries, "Peace, peace," but there is no peace when at the inmost heart of purported unity is discord and divisiveness, condescension and conceit. Conflict theories cannot yield unity, but only further division--ever pitting one against one another.

Jesus said His kingdom is not as this world, though. God is King and Lord of all. And His order is that those who submit are those who are greatest. Those who are least of all. Theirs is no grasping, but only submission. To Him. 

And through that death to self, God makes all one, in Christ. For as One died, we all died. And we live, yet not us...but Christ. There is no other life. No other peace. No other unity, and no reconciliation--all to all. The more we would unite around another fount of life, the more we divide, as dividing from Truth. 

So what is a call to justice, then, if judges set aside regard for the dignity of culpability as individual responsibility, in favor of partisanship? May the Lord have mercy, each to each, otherwise all would be lost. Thank the Lord, then, through Jesus Christ that He does save some. And He calls us to be ambassadors of reconciliation: peacemakers in the midst of war. 

Yet, we need not be troubled. He has overcome. 

Wrongly Taken: Then, to Distance; or Right Relations?

One of my favorite phrases: over-realized eschatology.

This is such an interesting concept: we know that all will be made new, including our own wills (entirely sanctified, I mean)--sin will not always be allowed reign on earth, and we will not always endure temptation. The world will be restored, remade. 

We long for the completion of our sanctification--long for the return of Christ, for His reign to be fully effected in all spheres, as all will be brought into rightful and total subjection to His good, holy nature. Yet we wait for this, while even all of creation groans in anticipation and longing for that full revelation of God's work. 

I've heard reference to our life of tension in the here-and-now, as "the already and not-yet" circumstance of reconciliation: All will be reconciled to God through His Son (Himself, God), Jesus Christ. All things and peoples will be brought into total subjection to His will and ways. We will be fully transformed into the image of our blessed, glorious Lord and Master, our Redeemer and Friend.  

When we enter His presence, fully. And all will be resurrected bodily, someday--He has said all will hear His voice and be raised.

Some to judgment and eternal perdition. Some to eternal glorification. 

But we're not quite there yet, in full. 

So that tension within us--the yearning for God's work to be perfected in us and in all creation (alongside the grief over sin and that He is not being honored as He ought--both in our own hearts and those of others)--is one of many which requires God's guidance to walk in without erring. 

Sometimes there is error on the side of giving over to the longing for more to have been effected than is the case: over-realization occurs when our desires for another time distort our perception of what is actual. We know He will return, and longing for that there can be a slip into projecting what we long for onto the world around us and convoluting our understanding of our own state of being, wrongly.

I wonder along these lines, thinking on recent matters, in terms of what it is for single men and women to interact closely: The case may be that others have liberties which I don't--I'm very emotional, and it takes next to nothing for me to become emotionally attached (i.e., develop personally significant emotional intimacy) with men who are single and who seem viable potential partners. My heart is maybe just not guarded enough? If I interact openly, there's emotional investment, whereas other women don't seem to be as effected as I am by that sort of interaction with single brothers. Which just leaves me wondering: Where is the right line--the appropriate and God-honoring line--when it comes to interactions with my brothers? 

In the past (more specifically: three weeks ago), it has become apparent I've erred drastically by thinking and sharing whatsoever openly of myself--experiences, thoughts, and the fringes of innermost desires--with a brother. I assumed it was okay, since parts of it were reciprocal, to some extent, and since it was welcomed. But for me, at least, that fostered a deep sense of connection, of intimacy--to share and be received and known broadly. And to take part in ministry alongside that all, especially fostered a sense of connectedness, though for others it sounds as though the very same things would have been nothing much. But for me, it was significant, I now realize. For me, it was fulfilling a role which I would want to alongside my husband--facilitating hospitality on many fronts, facilitating worship, supportively. Small things for others, which seem not to impact. But, I realize too late, not small for me. 

I just don't know how to become close in thought and exchange with an unmarried man, without seeing him as a potential mate. And I don't know how to disengage desire for serving as a helpmeet in marriage from a situation which is one I long to encounter in marriage--especially when instigated by someone unmarried, singling me out because of recognition of my affinity for hospitality. It's so difficult to understand what is intended when words and actions do not agree, and I hope maybe now that the Lord has allowed me to experience both sides of that within His shepherding...hopefully He will allow me to recognize when there is discord, the situation as a whole is disjointed. 

So, I am struggling with these things--struggling to understand according to what would honor the Lord, going forward, in how to better guard my heart and how to honor Him and my brothers by hearing more than only either just what they say or just what they do. Instead, to submit it all to the Lord continually, as always needs to be the case regardless. 

But what is it, to be significantly emotionally intimate with someone who is not a spouse? I have erred on that front now, and it's shameful to even openly acknowledge, I know. But we're so desensitized to this as a people that the very idea of this would be mocked even by many Christians, quite possibly. 

Natural brothers and sisters don't necessarily share intimately with one another. Sisters, yes. Maybe brothers do--I don't know. But...I don't know--I have been told, at least, that it's not that way with natural-born brothers and sisters: there's a strong love, yes, but they aren't in one another's pockets, so to speak. They may know of one another, but I don't think there's a poring over all of life with one another. 

There's love, but at arm's length. Or, as an overview of how one of my friends has put it--the guys do their thing, while we do ours. 

In heaven, there will be no marrying and giving in marriage, Jesus said. So, the tensions on this earth will not exist. But to pretend they're absent now, to act as though they're absent now, would be foolhardy. Current consideration is of whether and to what degree such matters and claims that interactions had ought to be of a certain caliber or depth or nature--between unmarried men and women, now--represent an over-realized eschatological perspective on these tensions. 

Particular difficulty surrounds specific traumas--not knowing the extent to which foundational influences still skew experience and interpretation. 

All in all, I've sinned again--wanting what is not mine, rather than submitting to the Lord wholly. Interpreting according to my own hopes, rather than submitting all to God and seeking His guidance alone. Godly love...I need and want to learn, and yet my heart is froward. I need His help. 

So all I know to do in the meantime of waiting, while grieving having failed Him and others, is to pray and institute what distance will allow me to return to God in heart and mind, to sin no more on this count at least. In as much as possible. I don't know what else to do.