Continuing in prayer (and seeking that others near and dear would pray, and you all as well), the Lord has graciously allowed me to regain further perspective on circumstances in light of truth and per another honest appraisal of aspects of my prior, sinful tendencies.
A form of love and the expressed desire for power are presently, to some degree being intermarried in realm of a blatantly trying present circumstance. Being able to discern and prayerfully address various unacknowledged reasonings behind such matters encountered has come and will only come by way of the Lord's gracious allowance of further deliverance--having submitted more fully to Him, casting myself continually upon His mercies.
He does not put me in situations I'm able to independently maneuver and navigate, of an increasing complexity. He leads me in ways which require I reflect upon who He is and what I know of Him and His ways--reflecting again and again upon His Word to us all, the Scriptures, for guidance and comfort and clarification. Prayerfully embarking to act and speak, again and again. All while requesting prayer and seeking accountability (whether overtly intending to do so or not--often as part of the course of seeking to honor Him and be led of Him in His will)...so, also does He encourage and edify and guide and reprove and rebuke through His own people, too--ever directing to His Word.
And of this lattermost, there are many who attempt reproof or encouragement or correction in sometimes blatant but nonetheless concerted deviation from His Word--while simultaneously intimating that such efforts are God-honoring. This, too, is a trial. And a grief. And I do as the Lord leads in gently (and sometimes eventually, ardently--passionately) pleading from His Word in context of the whole to the best of His giving insight and guidance...
...yet all in all, each situation and circumstance of life increasingly requires a deeper dependence upon God for moment-by-moment guidance. Reliance upon Christ, my King and Savior, to lead. By a right knowledge of Him, though, and a testing of guidance against His Word moment-by-moment--not as something founded on wishful thinking and pop-psychology, but an ardent, heart-aching, soul-searching, desperate desire to know & honor Him which culminates again and again in turning to the Scriptures and crying out to Him perpetually for understanding of what is there to be understood. Because these things are far from me, except that He gives insight.
I've read the epistles of John recently, as an instance. And though...the concepts presented seem so straightforward and are...the intricacies of what's presented in scope of the whole of the text of our Scriptures as impressed upon our hearts to be kept...
...is beyond measure. And I long to understand more of what it is which He has revealed of Himself, therein, and of our relation to Him and to one another and to sin. And love.
I'll be meditating on these epistles for the rest of my life, as God be willing to graciously preserve me evermore for Himself (I trust Him)...and I know I won't come to an end of clarification of my understanding of Him and all the rest of reality, still.
All of which brings me back to saying that trusting Him increasingly and ever more wholeheartedly is a worthwhile life goal, as I see it--Christ professed this roundabouts the ways of what we regard as Matthew 6:33. Yet seeking Him and His kingdom and righteousness?--that's according to rightly handling His Word, which only comes by His Spirit giving understanding of the truth. Seeking and requiring Him as fundamental to all of life and being and wellness only arises out of rightly understanding who He is and who we are in relation, as received through Christ's atoning sacrifice.
Which is life--to thus know Him.
All the rest in the world and our hearts is only ever a pale, destructive imitation which never satisfies.
But He does. And knowing Him means knowing that all this world really and truly is opposed to Him. So it shouldn't surprise us to find out that institutions of learning espouse philosophies which demonize Christians and refuse to even acknowledge God. Shouldn't surprise us that defying God is increasingly being celebrated and honoring Him is increasingly openly despised. It should not surprise us that even in the fellowship of those who profess to worship and adore and know the Father through Christ Jesus, there are many who instead are professing a false Christ and a false God, having feasted at the table of demons by receiving and devouring false Gospels which exalt self--excusing sin and denigrating Christ's work on the cross.
From the very outset, though, Jesus let it be known that there would be such deception as even to overwhelm and lead astray His very own people if it were possible: So very compelling, so very beguiling. Yet, instead, we are just as the disciples were--sent wise as serpents and harmless as doves into the thick of the darkness, where the gates of hell are not prevailing against us. We are sent to be salt and light in the world--a city set on a hilltop, for all to see. And whereas even as our Master was accused of being a demoniac, we should expect no less amongst the "religious elite" who do not know Him despite professing to live lives of devotion to a godliness which is yet without power. This, we can know from what He said and has recorded for our posterity. Even while reflecting upon the truth that though these same deceivers, who are themselves deceived, may perform many signs and wonders in Christ's name--even casting out demons, healing people, and who knows what all else?--that still, they do not know Him. Though they call Him Lord, it's actually a false Christ of their own heart's imagining that they worship, willfully.
I had been such a person. Consistently across my 20 years of mostly quiet occult pursuit, practice, and increasing involvement...(mostly quiet: given the one time it got back to me in high school that, "Neil said you could move things with your mind," I stopped blatantly incorporating others during my practices, until years later when my sister Amber came to me in Florida, unfortunately...)...I considered myself ardently seeking God, having "only" rejected the church. I was just seeking Him on "my own terms." Seeking to understand all of reality by attempting to discern the spiritual via any means which seemed to provide any solid foothold. Mysticism was second-nature. One of the latter pinnacles was to begin walking in open, non-conflicted awareness and practice of spiritual matters while in the throes of engaging the physical. Effectively and consciously engaging the spiritual according to my own understanding.
That's not a thing which ever is of God. The approach is defiant, at core and at every point thereafter.
Jesus made it explicitly, absolutely clear that no one...which means, "no person"...can come to God the Father except through Himself. Period. No two ways about it.
I didn't like that. And though I don't remember going through any direct rationalization against that statement...I effectively did so by choosing to pretend it was irrelevant to me. Just as we all see ourselves as "special exceptions," or "special cases," at times, don't we? Though on varied levels and by varied means expressed, I'm certain this isn't exclusive to Western ideology, since it's the very nature of sin--along the lines of, "Yes, I believe laws should basically apply to everyone, everywhere--to keep us all safe and well...but...right now, that's just so much of a burden to me. And maybe it doesn't mean quite what I think it would--surely that law isn't that strict. So it's probably okay if I just 'cut corners' right now--because, after all, I have very good intentions and I do have a lot of respect for the law, in general...so this should be totally fine."
Yeah, that's not realistic thinking when it comes to God's ordained order and sin's defiance of His will: We don't get to categorically pick apart the Bible and choose which verses apply at which times to which people, as though we don't also sit under the weight of the consequences of all the sin of those which have preceded us, as though the consequences of our own sin won't mar us and all those around us...all though defying God at any point by any one has somehow been excusable as a rational choice. Please don't misinterpret me on this--I am not saying this means that the Levitical code is something which God has called us to explicitly adopt for life, nor any other similar distortion of what Christ clarified during His earthly ministry leading upon to His self-sacrificial atonement for our sin. No, I am not saying that. For the whole of the Word needs to be taken in context of the whole of the Word, prayerfully, to see what it is which He has said about who He is and who we are and what that means.
Which recognition and understanding only comes prayerfully, along one's desire to know truth and His good gift of giving such a thing. This, as an open-handed perusal of His Word--rather than grasping to find means to justify the things our carnal, sinful natures want to do...like grasping for power, grasping for authority, grasping for esteem, for money, for love, for worship, for whatsoever else would put self or other human in the place of seeking and love and submitting to God.
He brings us to repentance though, if we desire Him, and delivers us increasingly to a clearer knowledge of His truth--which isn't unto position of greater self-exaltation. But of greater humility and submission: For knowing more clearly how utterly deserving of destruction we are, for feeling more acutely how sinful and fickle are our hearts, for knowing more clearly the abject truth of His purity and holiness, for recognizing more wholeheartedly the encompassing weight of His omnipotence and omniscience, unto also recognizing in context of these all that we are exceedingly less wise, less knowledgeable, less powerful, and less entitled to any good thing than ever we may have begun to imagine prior to such burgeoning realizations of the import of His glory and our defiance. Yet in context of reflecting upon Christ's full-atonement for us--remembering His mercies, which are new every day, and that despite the horrors of our defiance He is yet forgiving and interceding for us, too? More clearly recognizing this lattermost, above all--His faithfulness and lovingkindness and long-suffering graciousness to those for whom He gave His own life and resurrected to redeem out of our very defiance against Him--we would ever increasingly be destroyed of ourselves repenting in ashes as did Job, while all the more setting aside whatever might beguile and enchant us in favor of deeper devotion to the One who has secured our allegiance, our redemption, and our hearts for all eternity by His own blood, death, and resurrection, and who yet will deliver us into His presence at the end.
So...looking at what His love has been toward us--and that He desires truthfulness within us and amongst us, as we've been reconciled to Him in and through Truth...
...we can reflect to see that love doesn't turn away from or discard truth. Love does not choose to live in lies, knowing that deception was part of what cost our Beloved the cross He bore, to redeem and free us.
Many other things delight in deviation from truth, though: Imitations of love: Perversions and distortions of it.
But...I remember again more clearly, one of the endeavors I'd repeatedly undertaken over my prior course of defying God was to pursue what I considered "romantic love" as an ideal which purported vast potential of providing some lifelong personal fulfillment: Romance novels I read and Disney movies and fairy tales I cherished promised this, and held it out continually as a panacea for whatever ailed. And not only as panacea, but that someday, someone would esteem me above all others and would propel me to greater heights of self-fulfillment than ever I would have achieved alone. And I didn't care whether those heights consisted of pursuits along my occult lines as gaining deeper insight, power, wisdom, experience, and prestige spiritually, emotionally, and socially...or even if propelled as eventually considered: unto greater financial achievement, more esteemed social standing, or so on..
...regardless, the core desire in such pursuit of so-called "love" was all about self--to be exalted above all others, to be made more than I was alone, to be given greater power, stability, esteem, or to have greater means at my disposal for pursuing my own goals. As part of a duo. All of which is inherently opposed to God's love, thus is not in fact love.
Something which calls itself love yet which is wholly self-exalting and other-debasing--viewing other as a mere commodity--is diametrically opposed to the love Christ showed His bride. Which point of consideration alone indicates that any pursuit along such lines as those ones I had endeavored...is rife with sin--as leads ever unto consequences spiritual, social, interpersonal, and so on: Search the Scriptures to see all the many "case studies" we have regarding what sin reaps. One particular that has come to mind many times recently regards David's son, Amnon. We are told in the Scriptures that David's adultery with Bathsheba and murder of Uriah had fairly direct consequences in the way his children behaved.
As natural consequences.
Israel and Judah's captivities were also natural consequences--specified as curses, such matters were recorded in the Bible's books of Law. We have been given a fair overview of how moral law keeping and breaking impacts us and our society and world, in other words. So again, the core of every matter's course is truly concentric about where our hearts and minds are in relation to God. As even the Levitical codes indicate the destructiveness of sin, distinguishing its deceitfulness and our total inability to be self-righteous--all pointing to Christ and our need for God's grace and mercies in light of the reality of our condition.
Jesus said all the law and prophets can be summed in saying that we are to love God with everything we are. And love our neighbors as ourselves--thinking more highly of them than ourselves, even.
Again--all of which is only possible when we uphold truth, as loving God means desiring to honor and obey Him such that we won't delight in things He cannot even look upon, such as sin. And dishonesty is something He does hate. Which includes pretending to be things we are not and pretending to believe things we do not believe, in order to achieve some self-determined desired effect. Trusting Him in the midst of confusion and proceeding regardless is a different thing. Trusting Him to guide and preserve and restrain oneself in circumstances which are fraught with potential for devastation and which are overwhelming--all while keeping in mind who He is and what He's said and praying He would help us to love those others He's placed us near in ways which honor Him, while seeking to honor Him all the while, as an active walk in faith as trusting He will do the things He has said He will--even if that He will be glorified as we believe Him? That is not walking in hypocrisy, because inherent that is the willingness to humble self as to be honest about such a vulnerability and trust in God. But determining some role to present of oneself--in order to attempt to do something we think a situation may require just to effect a particular, desired change in the situation or in people we're interacting with?--that's still another matter, entirely, since the reference point for all actions and thoughts are one's own understanding perception.
Just...love doesn't deceive. It submits to God and trusts Him for the answers. Love delights in the truth.
Love doesn't seek its own. But for the good of others. Love does not exalt itself and own desires for comfort, ease, security, worship, affection, or any else...but seeks that others would be served according to God's will for them, and not one's own transference of sinful desires onto another person.
So there is love for those who are not the Lord's. Yes, indeed. He loved us and gave Himself for us. While we were yet sinners He loved us and died for us. What and who are we to think we know better than Christ what other people deserve, of our time and lives?
If He ever leads us to lay down our lives for the sake of another, may He give us a heart full of love for Him and compassion toward them that would drive us to call out to Him for their forgiveness even as we perish, even as we also with our final breath would plead with them to turn to Him and be delivered from the wrath to come.
As He said...
“This is My commandment, that you love one another, just as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends." John 15:12-13
Wednesday, February 27, 2019
Sunday, February 24, 2019
Sin and Loving Sacrifice
So many things going on right now. Not unusual. Further reintegration of life has been going on, desperation in sharing the Gospel, and also again being overwhelmed with the desire for love in context of marriage.
One verse which has been going through my mind a lot lately, prayerfully, and for the past few years is "unite my heart to sing your praise." I've been mulling over what this actually means, while increasingly recognizing so much internal conflict and confusion and difficulty remaining submitted to the Lord rather than constantly concerned with appearances or outcomes. This latter constitutes a disunity of heart--being torn between concerns for worldly, temporal (illusory) matters versus wholeheartedly desiring to honor God and others via submitting lovingly to His guidance..
...and actually, looking now for that verse--it's been long enough since reading it (which only would require five minutes away from the Word, really, if that)...I've not remembered the verse quite right.
From Psalm 86. Pleading with the Lord.
Part of the "disconnect" which has been made apparent to me recently has had to do with my desire to consider myself less sinful than I am and have been. My perception has been so skewed--and this still does fall under category of "concerned with appearances," constituting a serious distortion of reality by any means--I've adapted this weird sort of distance from things of the past. This, as though somehow to acknowledge the sinfulness of sin and the wretchedness of my life before Christ (and the sinfulness of sin, still--though He's delivered me from many things, the temptation returns at times so the capacity for still sinning as grievously as once done is still very real and not to be taken lightly for being known to be grievous)..
...as though even to acknowledge my waywardness and wretchedness and fickleness and duplicities...
...somehow would tarnish who I am, in Christ. As though the shame is all wholly still mine. For shameful things I have done.
But the reality is...the whole of my lifestyle and manner of thought, before submitting to God--even my general fickleness and refusal to maintain stances which would be substantial as unto contention amongst any then-present company--all was idolatrous of self and others, wholly defiant against God, and fully deserving of not only public shame but also God's wrath and damnation. Period. Beyond even my present ability to conceive, still.
All of it was thus shameful, horrific...treacherous. Grievous.
And I'm not saying that some sins are ultimately less worthy of punishment than others, given the destruction wrought by each and the travesty made of all reality and relationship with others, especially...
...but I'm just coming to the point of being more fully united internally in recognizing and accepting the truth of the matter that I have no justification for myself. Nothing, apart from Christ. None of us do, though, is the thing.
Some of the things I'd done (which I'm not detailing at this point--sometimes the recounting of sin can truly be defiling)...are exceptionally terrible. I should be dead and in hell, at the very least. I used to joke about going to hell, actually. My bar friends and I would laugh about it, and I remember saying something about having "front row" sort of "seating"--as though acknowledging that my sinfulness was excessive of most--thereafter saying I would save them a seat, since my would be a position of prestige and I'd likely end up there first due to be on a fast-track there, expecting death at any moment because I knew I was courting it by defying God at every turn, mockingly and brazenly if not quite as explicitly as could have been the case. I think at times, it was almost a dare. That I would dare Him to kill me, since I was in that instance exalting myself as though above Him by claiming I'd be satisfied if He would do so--as though what ever He did to me, I couldn't care less because He didn't control the way I felt about things.
But for His own purposes, the Lord didn't have things go that way... He restrained deserved consequence. And I have found forgiveness in Christ--in knowing Him for who He is and being brought to grief over the life I led, opposing so diametrically One who exhibits and embodies (for lack of better terms) true goodness and love.
Which still isn't to say that consequences could not come, still. I still deserve to be halt and maim. I still deserve to be imprisoned and despised. I still deserve to be diseased and wholly rejected. I still deserve a terrible death. I still deserve hell. All though He has led me to make amends where possible to do so--just as part of becoming honest and increasingly forthright about dealing in truth. That hasn't always gone well (rarely has it). Especially with family--many of whom I just am not in contact with, for various reasons. Maybe someday, again, but only the Lord knows. But I still pray.
My family doesn't like to deal in truth, though. That should have been apparent to me, had I been more conscious of my own ways and means of being prior to coming to know Christ--especially as having been the hub of family doings from time to time. For that to have been the case, given that I was at heart wholly opposed to God...it does evidence their defiance as well, to have sought "truth" and "comfort" and "peace" and "communication" through me. So, from what I've thus far experienced amongst those who were previously close enough acquaintance to interact with as a normal part of life...I've become increasingly aware that truth utterly enrages, embitters, and fills the heart with a barely restrained desire for murder (or at least torture). Same as it used to, of me. So, same as used to be the case, of myself, truth is refused, rejected, despised, set aside, and reinterpreted to fit whatever narrative is necessary to justify keeping it wholly out of the picture. Truth is maligned.
And I'm not going back to living in that darkness, even though it means and has meant stepping away from people I love. Though the Lord leads me through the valley of the shadow of death, then that is still a vastly different matter than making my own choice to once more reject truth by considering it insufficient--as evidenced by willingness to knowingly forsake, in favor of comfortable lies or pandering.
Which was much of my life, before Christ. I just didn't care. It didn't make any difference to me to speak out of both sides of my mouth, per se--saying the exact opposite thing to two different people and considering each thing as valid was something I had no qualms with due to my nihilistic, existentialist, relativistic, etc. ad nauseam, worldview.
And I keep being confronted with the reality that many people who have known me for a long time, or at least been on the sidelines of my life in some capacity--coworkers, classmates, distant relatives, people regularly greeted in community, people whom I used to interact with to any extent--could for varying reasons still all reject or despise or discount or attack or disclose or howsoever else regard my past as wholly incongruent with my present. As though I have no "right" to call myself a Christian because of the things I once loved and did. Or even because of the wretchedness of any sin, still--though the Lord keeps me from grievous things, then still I am not perfect. But He is working and leading me to deeper and ongoing repentance, bit by bit gaining more liberty from sin to serve Him more freely. So it's not about my sinfulness, so much as it's about despising the reality of the cross of Christ--that He has sufficient mercy to forgive me and any of the rest of us who might opt to actually deal with the reality of our state of defiance against our Creator and Sustainer, God. Because I'm not exalted above anyone. Period.
So whatever others think or whether or when new attacks come (as some have) doesn't matter, apart from Christ--knowing Him and serving Him and loving Him and being stricken with the reality of sin and what it means of the judgment to come...for each of us unless we turn to Him...makes me yearn to share the truth of who He is and what's He done that we can be freed and can be reconciled to Him in peace and unto eternal forgiveness and sanctification? Oh, I am so grieved to know His offer is to the world and we reject Him, to our own utter horror and damnation.
But there's hope, in Christ. Even of my own wretchedness--He has delivered me from so many things which used to utterly consume my thoughts and compel me in various directions, seeking satisfaction but finding none which lasted... He has delivered me to love Him and long to serve Him and others more wholeheartedly. So although I grieve the sins which remain and cry out to Him for deliverance...I take courage and strength in turning to Him for forgiveness and deliverance, while knowing too that someday sin won't be a part of life any longer. Someday it won't, at all...in eternity.
But till then, the fact of the matter is that though...as Paul kind of put it...my "inner man" delights in the law of the Lord...I find myself doing the things I do not want to do, and not doing those things which I want to do and know I'd ought. And again and again, am reminded more deeply of my need for Christ's deliverance, His grace, the mercies which are new every day, and of His forgiveness and direction in how to walk more uprightly before Him and others.
Since following Him, as it goes, I've found myself again and again caught up in the deceitfulness of sin. And again and again, all I can do is cast myself on His mercies and plead to be changed--that I would not have desires which conflict with my desire for the Lord. But just as was written, walking by the Spirit is what gives grace not to fulfill the deeds of the flesh. Yet I find myself entranced again and again by amusements which are not of God--various movies, which are avoided in general but which clients request to see (though I refuse ones which are exceedingly overtly wicked, to whatever extent possible...if a case could be made that anything coming out of Hollywood isn't innately in some fashion overtly wicked)...time spent in needless indulgence of social media...I've been faltering enough on that front to have gone back to internet dating a couple times, even. Gratefully this latter has not proceeded to the point of actually meeting with anyone. Thankfully.
Which, I don't know--maybe some of these things aren't necessarily destructive for everyone? But for me, temptation to indulge in carnal thinking and desires arises quickly when my mind isn't stayed on the Lord and being directed to Him through my pursuits and activities and interactions. Which...giving in to the desires of the flesh as even to court temptation in such a way--knowingly, for having experienced the same sorts of temptations again and again over course of indulging in these matters, again and again--should serve as sufficient evidence that these things for me are unto sin.
Because I can't enter temptation knowingly again and again without eventually giving in to the deceitfulness of sin. Sin's deceitful promise of fulfillment of any particular carnal matter does not even provide satisfaction, but only feeds a desire for further indulgence--whether immediate or over time. So, when given into, my heart again and again becomes less sensitive to the conviction of the Holy Spirit--I've at that point rationalized matters to a false point of relativistic equitability, by reasoning that temptation is perhaps not so bad which leads to an eventual capitulation to sin along lines of being "good for food (ie, satisfaction of a need), and pleasing to the eye (ie, desirable)."All false and completely forsakes the knowledge that sin is unto death. As evidenced by the cross of Christ being what it took to atone.
In other words, the only hope is Christ--remembering that my sins took His cross to make recompense, propitiation wholly indicates my sins are not small matters. Sin is deceitful that way, though--again and again beguiling to delusion that somehow that which took the death of my Savior is somehow not horrid and reprehensible and full of grief for Him and for me...
But to remember this all serves to deepen grief over sin, increasing awareness of the incomprehensibility of Christ's mercy and faithfulness to forgive--also keeping me aware that I dare not exalt myself above others who live in sin at any point, realizing I'm not righteous according to my own natures or deeds, recognizing also I am prone to fall hard and fall quickly apart from Christ's keeping...such that I would not warrant myself incapable of any sin, but must defer to Him always. No temptation overcomes any of us except that which is common to man. Period. So the most horrific crimes I've heard? The most grievous sins I'd committed prior to Christ? Apart from His mercy...I have no place to consider myself above likewise faltering. His Word judges us all.
Along which lines, to note--I've known the desire to murder, before, I know that's a temptation which could return...if I stray or were let to stray from the Lord, sufficiently. Even suicide is murder, so I have in fact attempted murder many times. So...I'm humbled and grateful murder is not a constant in my heart, now, though it could easily still be. If I were to stray from Christ and be full of distraction and thus of fleshly, carnal impulses and thought again. Same as all the rest, the other sins.
There's been such temptation lately, is all. Particularly of desire for a husband, rather than to trust the Lord to guide and lead and give what is needful. My desire for fulfillment apart from Christ and His Word and fellowship with the saints has been brought into sharp focus, per this. And as usual--such matters have not at all been helped by many unchangeable factors in present life. So, all I can do is plead with the Lord for mercy, to give me the strength to endure and to draw nearer to Himself. To turn again and again to His Word, to return again and again to prayer. And to ask others to pray, as well.
Because marriage is not a situation I can any way reasonably force into being--same as of the rest of life's compulsions. I used to try, though--I forget often that I used to be very focused on finding a "lifelong companion," before coming to Christ. I used to try to force the issue. But never met anyone who was simultaneously someone I would have been willing to marry while also being someone who was willing to marry me.
Of that--it's easy enough to deeply desire to marry someone, so long as it's not actually an option...and then to wholly recant as soon as becomes feasible. That's what idolatry is made of, being delusion: wanting something only so long as it's unavailable and then finding it repulsive upon accessibility, thus experiencing disillusionment again and again (unto deeper and broader illusion, though, if such a course is maintained).
When this desire arises again--especially when in context of someone seeming to make intimations at being interested in some capacity, and particularly if ill-advised or impossible--I've often been bereft of all reason except to just cast myself on the Lord and trust Him to guard and guide me. My desires conflict at these points--I want other than the Lord and yet want to want Him more. And I've been misled and have been misleading too many times in my life to think I have any clear means of discerning the right way forward with anything "romantic," regardless: The whole deal is too rife with idolatry, unto all manner of rationalizations against truth...I know I am not safe to cut my own path.
Which...at least in Christ I do have stability, nonetheless. For one, I wholeheartedly know that no matter how captivating or inspiring or riveting or compelling or endearing or kind or charming or handsome or gracious any man might be--and even if I do love such a man, by any means seeing and cherishing something precious and dear and desirable of the image of God in him--then still, unless such a man is in right relationship with God through Jesus Christ (having turned to Him and walking with Him in loving fellowship)...as much as it would certainly break my heart if ever that were the case, then still I could not marry him.
That would be entering covenant with someone who utterly maligns, reviles, mocks, rejects, and despises everything which is most precious, dear, beloved, honored, cherished, and desired to me. Reality could never be rightly cherished and increasingly pursued (unto sanctification and deepening faith in God) with such a one. Because the blindness which prevents from seeing the beauty and majesty of God, of Christ, is also the blindness which prevents from open fellowship with me, in the light of and rejoicing within truth--pressing in and onward toward every more fully walking in the holy light of the love of Christ, unto greater liberty in Him..with discernment so to do which only comes by His indwelling Holy Spirit.
I remember, too, thinking I respected Jesus prior to actually coming to Him in submissive repentance, acknowledging the truth of my sin, the wrath upon me, and His mercy toward me in the cross and His death and resurrection. I thought I was "cool with" Jesus. Thought we were on good terms. Even defended His divinity to someone in New Orleans, at one point--someone saying Jesus never even existed. I defended both His existence as historical fact and His divinity as being evident in how He presented Himself, especially following it all up with His resurrection. But I didn't consider Him any greater than any other "truth system," at the heart of matters. And I certainly did not admit to the wretchedness of my sin, because it "wasn't so bad, and I was only doing whatever seemed right, and what was compelling...so how could I be blamed?" I told people I used my evil for good. And meant it. Because I considered myself a "free agent," of sorts. I did not defer to God. And I sought Him only on my own terms and not on His...because my mindset justified my own perceptions and prerogative as being at least equal to God's, thus as deserving as credence and so utterly viable.
I exalted myself as though I were equal to God, in other words. Which was a lie. And until He confronted me with the reality that He alone is in control of life and death and not only that but the manner of life is something which He can allow for sin to destroy or can restrain consequence so to allow for "ease" of sin's devastating effects each to each... ...until then, I considered myself His equal. So I didn't have a problem taking up for Jesus. Because I considered myself His equal, learning to walk in spiritual power myself, and authority. If quietly.
Further, He evidenced to me that there were situations which I could not effect to any degree. (And later also evidenced that when I did effect situations, it was only because He permitted such travesty.) Such that I had to acknowledge that He could make ways where there were none, whereas I could only "make ways" where they were conceivable. And being in such a situation of impossibility, I could do nothing but submit to Him...being shown utterly powerless and in need.
And it was after that point of submission that He began to reveal also that Jesus's identity as God means I defer to Him, period. Not as an equal. But as a subordinate. As a creation. Never the Creator. Never capable of being His equal.
And that...being full-on, unavoidably confronted with that reality and the implications of my own relative insignificance and subservience...brought to light the truth of my abject hatred of Christ. Which...was so vociferous and unwavering that I was utterly shocked. I had no idea I wholeheartedly hated Jesus Christ, whom I had considered an honorable and respectable and noteworthy divine. Whose divinity I'd once argued the case for. As well as other things, regarding Him, which seemed to me to indicate and embody respect for Him.
But no.
He brought me to a point of capitulation by confronting me with the reality that the truth of His divinity and my subservience doesn't change based on whether or not I presently choose to deferentially acknowledge and walk in right regard to this truth. And that moreover, unless I came to terms with the reality of His sovereignty over me here and now and made amends through Him, with Him, then I would nonetheless be unavoidably confronted with this same reality in the hereafter, unto damnation as the consequent and real natural outworking of rejecting and despising my Creator and God. But that nonetheless I would unavoidably be confronted by and unable to countermand the truth...I would defer to Him, one way or the other, because it's the fact of reality that He's God.
And upon realizing that, it was more simple--if I can either deal with it now, or deal with later to great consequence...then I may as well be reconciled with reality here and now, because it is what it is.
He is who He is.
Shortly after that, He confronted me with the reality of His abject goodness and lovingkindness even unto the horrid death on the cross, and not merely so but as to atone for my sins--He became utterly beloved in that instance, above all precious and dear beyond compare...thus how utterly horrid and despicable and wretched beyond words are my sins, to have wrought that unto Him as He would make a way for mercy to come to me...with no other way but through His own atoning self-sacrifice for love of me, of us...even as of Himself, to His glory...His love encompasses..
...sin is wretched. Rejection of Christ, more.
Then even knowing these things--having my own eyes opened bit by bit to them all, of Him--how could I love someone who hates everything most dear to me--the One for whom I live, who died for me?...so, how? Christ loved me. He suffered unto death, even that death on the cross...for the joy set before Him. I cannot fathom to be counted such part of--my Lord and my God has given Himself to death--even the mockery, torment, rejection, and shameful, humiliating torture of that death on the cross...that He could redeem me..? ...and God be glorified even in this?. I am nothing, less than nothing. And He has walked as man--my Lord and my God?, walking as man?--He suffered death, buried, and then overcame death? Even for me?
Yet He did--He gave Himself for me (yes, for us). So, too--now that I know and love Him, walking in light of knowledge and reconciliation unto truth--I am His. Which means I'm not my own, to give. And...He has made it abundantly clear for all that He has no intent that His very own people would be united with any other than His own Spirit: He has united those who are His in His own Spirit, with Himself and one another. Not united with another. So for anyone to ask that of me--I am not my own, to give. I can have no accord with Belial, with Baal. I am united to Christ.
So not only can I not be united to one who does not love that which is the only thing dear to me, I am not free of my own volition so to do: Gladly, am I. So, this is not mere forbidding. It's loving submission to the One in whom I have life--to the only One in whom I have life, love, and true liberty. And in that, I am gladly not my own to give. No matter the asking nor the asker.
No matter what any carnal desire might plead otherwise. And no matter whatever love.
I will pray, and I will seek the Lord. And His will will be done. I trust Him in this.
One verse which has been going through my mind a lot lately, prayerfully, and for the past few years is "unite my heart to sing your praise." I've been mulling over what this actually means, while increasingly recognizing so much internal conflict and confusion and difficulty remaining submitted to the Lord rather than constantly concerned with appearances or outcomes. This latter constitutes a disunity of heart--being torn between concerns for worldly, temporal (illusory) matters versus wholeheartedly desiring to honor God and others via submitting lovingly to His guidance..
...and actually, looking now for that verse--it's been long enough since reading it (which only would require five minutes away from the Word, really, if that)...I've not remembered the verse quite right.
12I will give thanks to You, O Lord my God, with all my heart,
And will glorify Your name forever.
And will glorify Your name forever.
From Psalm 86. Pleading with the Lord.
Part of the "disconnect" which has been made apparent to me recently has had to do with my desire to consider myself less sinful than I am and have been. My perception has been so skewed--and this still does fall under category of "concerned with appearances," constituting a serious distortion of reality by any means--I've adapted this weird sort of distance from things of the past. This, as though somehow to acknowledge the sinfulness of sin and the wretchedness of my life before Christ (and the sinfulness of sin, still--though He's delivered me from many things, the temptation returns at times so the capacity for still sinning as grievously as once done is still very real and not to be taken lightly for being known to be grievous)..
...as though even to acknowledge my waywardness and wretchedness and fickleness and duplicities...
...somehow would tarnish who I am, in Christ. As though the shame is all wholly still mine. For shameful things I have done.
But the reality is...the whole of my lifestyle and manner of thought, before submitting to God--even my general fickleness and refusal to maintain stances which would be substantial as unto contention amongst any then-present company--all was idolatrous of self and others, wholly defiant against God, and fully deserving of not only public shame but also God's wrath and damnation. Period. Beyond even my present ability to conceive, still.
All of it was thus shameful, horrific...treacherous. Grievous.
And I'm not saying that some sins are ultimately less worthy of punishment than others, given the destruction wrought by each and the travesty made of all reality and relationship with others, especially...
...but I'm just coming to the point of being more fully united internally in recognizing and accepting the truth of the matter that I have no justification for myself. Nothing, apart from Christ. None of us do, though, is the thing.
Some of the things I'd done (which I'm not detailing at this point--sometimes the recounting of sin can truly be defiling)...are exceptionally terrible. I should be dead and in hell, at the very least. I used to joke about going to hell, actually. My bar friends and I would laugh about it, and I remember saying something about having "front row" sort of "seating"--as though acknowledging that my sinfulness was excessive of most--thereafter saying I would save them a seat, since my would be a position of prestige and I'd likely end up there first due to be on a fast-track there, expecting death at any moment because I knew I was courting it by defying God at every turn, mockingly and brazenly if not quite as explicitly as could have been the case. I think at times, it was almost a dare. That I would dare Him to kill me, since I was in that instance exalting myself as though above Him by claiming I'd be satisfied if He would do so--as though what ever He did to me, I couldn't care less because He didn't control the way I felt about things.
But for His own purposes, the Lord didn't have things go that way... He restrained deserved consequence. And I have found forgiveness in Christ--in knowing Him for who He is and being brought to grief over the life I led, opposing so diametrically One who exhibits and embodies (for lack of better terms) true goodness and love.
Which still isn't to say that consequences could not come, still. I still deserve to be halt and maim. I still deserve to be imprisoned and despised. I still deserve to be diseased and wholly rejected. I still deserve a terrible death. I still deserve hell. All though He has led me to make amends where possible to do so--just as part of becoming honest and increasingly forthright about dealing in truth. That hasn't always gone well (rarely has it). Especially with family--many of whom I just am not in contact with, for various reasons. Maybe someday, again, but only the Lord knows. But I still pray.
My family doesn't like to deal in truth, though. That should have been apparent to me, had I been more conscious of my own ways and means of being prior to coming to know Christ--especially as having been the hub of family doings from time to time. For that to have been the case, given that I was at heart wholly opposed to God...it does evidence their defiance as well, to have sought "truth" and "comfort" and "peace" and "communication" through me. So, from what I've thus far experienced amongst those who were previously close enough acquaintance to interact with as a normal part of life...I've become increasingly aware that truth utterly enrages, embitters, and fills the heart with a barely restrained desire for murder (or at least torture). Same as it used to, of me. So, same as used to be the case, of myself, truth is refused, rejected, despised, set aside, and reinterpreted to fit whatever narrative is necessary to justify keeping it wholly out of the picture. Truth is maligned.
And I'm not going back to living in that darkness, even though it means and has meant stepping away from people I love. Though the Lord leads me through the valley of the shadow of death, then that is still a vastly different matter than making my own choice to once more reject truth by considering it insufficient--as evidenced by willingness to knowingly forsake, in favor of comfortable lies or pandering.
Which was much of my life, before Christ. I just didn't care. It didn't make any difference to me to speak out of both sides of my mouth, per se--saying the exact opposite thing to two different people and considering each thing as valid was something I had no qualms with due to my nihilistic, existentialist, relativistic, etc. ad nauseam, worldview.
And I keep being confronted with the reality that many people who have known me for a long time, or at least been on the sidelines of my life in some capacity--coworkers, classmates, distant relatives, people regularly greeted in community, people whom I used to interact with to any extent--could for varying reasons still all reject or despise or discount or attack or disclose or howsoever else regard my past as wholly incongruent with my present. As though I have no "right" to call myself a Christian because of the things I once loved and did. Or even because of the wretchedness of any sin, still--though the Lord keeps me from grievous things, then still I am not perfect. But He is working and leading me to deeper and ongoing repentance, bit by bit gaining more liberty from sin to serve Him more freely. So it's not about my sinfulness, so much as it's about despising the reality of the cross of Christ--that He has sufficient mercy to forgive me and any of the rest of us who might opt to actually deal with the reality of our state of defiance against our Creator and Sustainer, God. Because I'm not exalted above anyone. Period.
So whatever others think or whether or when new attacks come (as some have) doesn't matter, apart from Christ--knowing Him and serving Him and loving Him and being stricken with the reality of sin and what it means of the judgment to come...for each of us unless we turn to Him...makes me yearn to share the truth of who He is and what's He done that we can be freed and can be reconciled to Him in peace and unto eternal forgiveness and sanctification? Oh, I am so grieved to know His offer is to the world and we reject Him, to our own utter horror and damnation.
But there's hope, in Christ. Even of my own wretchedness--He has delivered me from so many things which used to utterly consume my thoughts and compel me in various directions, seeking satisfaction but finding none which lasted... He has delivered me to love Him and long to serve Him and others more wholeheartedly. So although I grieve the sins which remain and cry out to Him for deliverance...I take courage and strength in turning to Him for forgiveness and deliverance, while knowing too that someday sin won't be a part of life any longer. Someday it won't, at all...in eternity.
But till then, the fact of the matter is that though...as Paul kind of put it...my "inner man" delights in the law of the Lord...I find myself doing the things I do not want to do, and not doing those things which I want to do and know I'd ought. And again and again, am reminded more deeply of my need for Christ's deliverance, His grace, the mercies which are new every day, and of His forgiveness and direction in how to walk more uprightly before Him and others.
Since following Him, as it goes, I've found myself again and again caught up in the deceitfulness of sin. And again and again, all I can do is cast myself on His mercies and plead to be changed--that I would not have desires which conflict with my desire for the Lord. But just as was written, walking by the Spirit is what gives grace not to fulfill the deeds of the flesh. Yet I find myself entranced again and again by amusements which are not of God--various movies, which are avoided in general but which clients request to see (though I refuse ones which are exceedingly overtly wicked, to whatever extent possible...if a case could be made that anything coming out of Hollywood isn't innately in some fashion overtly wicked)...time spent in needless indulgence of social media...I've been faltering enough on that front to have gone back to internet dating a couple times, even. Gratefully this latter has not proceeded to the point of actually meeting with anyone. Thankfully.
Which, I don't know--maybe some of these things aren't necessarily destructive for everyone? But for me, temptation to indulge in carnal thinking and desires arises quickly when my mind isn't stayed on the Lord and being directed to Him through my pursuits and activities and interactions. Which...giving in to the desires of the flesh as even to court temptation in such a way--knowingly, for having experienced the same sorts of temptations again and again over course of indulging in these matters, again and again--should serve as sufficient evidence that these things for me are unto sin.
Because I can't enter temptation knowingly again and again without eventually giving in to the deceitfulness of sin. Sin's deceitful promise of fulfillment of any particular carnal matter does not even provide satisfaction, but only feeds a desire for further indulgence--whether immediate or over time. So, when given into, my heart again and again becomes less sensitive to the conviction of the Holy Spirit--I've at that point rationalized matters to a false point of relativistic equitability, by reasoning that temptation is perhaps not so bad which leads to an eventual capitulation to sin along lines of being "good for food (ie, satisfaction of a need), and pleasing to the eye (ie, desirable)."All false and completely forsakes the knowledge that sin is unto death. As evidenced by the cross of Christ being what it took to atone.
In other words, the only hope is Christ--remembering that my sins took His cross to make recompense, propitiation wholly indicates my sins are not small matters. Sin is deceitful that way, though--again and again beguiling to delusion that somehow that which took the death of my Savior is somehow not horrid and reprehensible and full of grief for Him and for me...
But to remember this all serves to deepen grief over sin, increasing awareness of the incomprehensibility of Christ's mercy and faithfulness to forgive--also keeping me aware that I dare not exalt myself above others who live in sin at any point, realizing I'm not righteous according to my own natures or deeds, recognizing also I am prone to fall hard and fall quickly apart from Christ's keeping...such that I would not warrant myself incapable of any sin, but must defer to Him always. No temptation overcomes any of us except that which is common to man. Period. So the most horrific crimes I've heard? The most grievous sins I'd committed prior to Christ? Apart from His mercy...I have no place to consider myself above likewise faltering. His Word judges us all.
Along which lines, to note--I've known the desire to murder, before, I know that's a temptation which could return...if I stray or were let to stray from the Lord, sufficiently. Even suicide is murder, so I have in fact attempted murder many times. So...I'm humbled and grateful murder is not a constant in my heart, now, though it could easily still be. If I were to stray from Christ and be full of distraction and thus of fleshly, carnal impulses and thought again. Same as all the rest, the other sins.
There's been such temptation lately, is all. Particularly of desire for a husband, rather than to trust the Lord to guide and lead and give what is needful. My desire for fulfillment apart from Christ and His Word and fellowship with the saints has been brought into sharp focus, per this. And as usual--such matters have not at all been helped by many unchangeable factors in present life. So, all I can do is plead with the Lord for mercy, to give me the strength to endure and to draw nearer to Himself. To turn again and again to His Word, to return again and again to prayer. And to ask others to pray, as well.
Because marriage is not a situation I can any way reasonably force into being--same as of the rest of life's compulsions. I used to try, though--I forget often that I used to be very focused on finding a "lifelong companion," before coming to Christ. I used to try to force the issue. But never met anyone who was simultaneously someone I would have been willing to marry while also being someone who was willing to marry me.
Of that--it's easy enough to deeply desire to marry someone, so long as it's not actually an option...and then to wholly recant as soon as becomes feasible. That's what idolatry is made of, being delusion: wanting something only so long as it's unavailable and then finding it repulsive upon accessibility, thus experiencing disillusionment again and again (unto deeper and broader illusion, though, if such a course is maintained).
When this desire arises again--especially when in context of someone seeming to make intimations at being interested in some capacity, and particularly if ill-advised or impossible--I've often been bereft of all reason except to just cast myself on the Lord and trust Him to guard and guide me. My desires conflict at these points--I want other than the Lord and yet want to want Him more. And I've been misled and have been misleading too many times in my life to think I have any clear means of discerning the right way forward with anything "romantic," regardless: The whole deal is too rife with idolatry, unto all manner of rationalizations against truth...I know I am not safe to cut my own path.
Which...at least in Christ I do have stability, nonetheless. For one, I wholeheartedly know that no matter how captivating or inspiring or riveting or compelling or endearing or kind or charming or handsome or gracious any man might be--and even if I do love such a man, by any means seeing and cherishing something precious and dear and desirable of the image of God in him--then still, unless such a man is in right relationship with God through Jesus Christ (having turned to Him and walking with Him in loving fellowship)...as much as it would certainly break my heart if ever that were the case, then still I could not marry him.
That would be entering covenant with someone who utterly maligns, reviles, mocks, rejects, and despises everything which is most precious, dear, beloved, honored, cherished, and desired to me. Reality could never be rightly cherished and increasingly pursued (unto sanctification and deepening faith in God) with such a one. Because the blindness which prevents from seeing the beauty and majesty of God, of Christ, is also the blindness which prevents from open fellowship with me, in the light of and rejoicing within truth--pressing in and onward toward every more fully walking in the holy light of the love of Christ, unto greater liberty in Him..with discernment so to do which only comes by His indwelling Holy Spirit.
I remember, too, thinking I respected Jesus prior to actually coming to Him in submissive repentance, acknowledging the truth of my sin, the wrath upon me, and His mercy toward me in the cross and His death and resurrection. I thought I was "cool with" Jesus. Thought we were on good terms. Even defended His divinity to someone in New Orleans, at one point--someone saying Jesus never even existed. I defended both His existence as historical fact and His divinity as being evident in how He presented Himself, especially following it all up with His resurrection. But I didn't consider Him any greater than any other "truth system," at the heart of matters. And I certainly did not admit to the wretchedness of my sin, because it "wasn't so bad, and I was only doing whatever seemed right, and what was compelling...so how could I be blamed?" I told people I used my evil for good. And meant it. Because I considered myself a "free agent," of sorts. I did not defer to God. And I sought Him only on my own terms and not on His...because my mindset justified my own perceptions and prerogative as being at least equal to God's, thus as deserving as credence and so utterly viable.
I exalted myself as though I were equal to God, in other words. Which was a lie. And until He confronted me with the reality that He alone is in control of life and death and not only that but the manner of life is something which He can allow for sin to destroy or can restrain consequence so to allow for "ease" of sin's devastating effects each to each... ...until then, I considered myself His equal. So I didn't have a problem taking up for Jesus. Because I considered myself His equal, learning to walk in spiritual power myself, and authority. If quietly.
Further, He evidenced to me that there were situations which I could not effect to any degree. (And later also evidenced that when I did effect situations, it was only because He permitted such travesty.) Such that I had to acknowledge that He could make ways where there were none, whereas I could only "make ways" where they were conceivable. And being in such a situation of impossibility, I could do nothing but submit to Him...being shown utterly powerless and in need.
And it was after that point of submission that He began to reveal also that Jesus's identity as God means I defer to Him, period. Not as an equal. But as a subordinate. As a creation. Never the Creator. Never capable of being His equal.
And that...being full-on, unavoidably confronted with that reality and the implications of my own relative insignificance and subservience...brought to light the truth of my abject hatred of Christ. Which...was so vociferous and unwavering that I was utterly shocked. I had no idea I wholeheartedly hated Jesus Christ, whom I had considered an honorable and respectable and noteworthy divine. Whose divinity I'd once argued the case for. As well as other things, regarding Him, which seemed to me to indicate and embody respect for Him.
But no.
He brought me to a point of capitulation by confronting me with the reality that the truth of His divinity and my subservience doesn't change based on whether or not I presently choose to deferentially acknowledge and walk in right regard to this truth. And that moreover, unless I came to terms with the reality of His sovereignty over me here and now and made amends through Him, with Him, then I would nonetheless be unavoidably confronted with this same reality in the hereafter, unto damnation as the consequent and real natural outworking of rejecting and despising my Creator and God. But that nonetheless I would unavoidably be confronted by and unable to countermand the truth...I would defer to Him, one way or the other, because it's the fact of reality that He's God.
And upon realizing that, it was more simple--if I can either deal with it now, or deal with later to great consequence...then I may as well be reconciled with reality here and now, because it is what it is.
He is who He is.
Shortly after that, He confronted me with the reality of His abject goodness and lovingkindness even unto the horrid death on the cross, and not merely so but as to atone for my sins--He became utterly beloved in that instance, above all precious and dear beyond compare...thus how utterly horrid and despicable and wretched beyond words are my sins, to have wrought that unto Him as He would make a way for mercy to come to me...with no other way but through His own atoning self-sacrifice for love of me, of us...even as of Himself, to His glory...His love encompasses..
...sin is wretched. Rejection of Christ, more.
Then even knowing these things--having my own eyes opened bit by bit to them all, of Him--how could I love someone who hates everything most dear to me--the One for whom I live, who died for me?...so, how? Christ loved me. He suffered unto death, even that death on the cross...for the joy set before Him. I cannot fathom to be counted such part of--my Lord and my God has given Himself to death--even the mockery, torment, rejection, and shameful, humiliating torture of that death on the cross...that He could redeem me..? ...and God be glorified even in this?. I am nothing, less than nothing. And He has walked as man--my Lord and my God?, walking as man?--He suffered death, buried, and then overcame death? Even for me?
Yet He did--He gave Himself for me (yes, for us). So, too--now that I know and love Him, walking in light of knowledge and reconciliation unto truth--I am His. Which means I'm not my own, to give. And...He has made it abundantly clear for all that He has no intent that His very own people would be united with any other than His own Spirit: He has united those who are His in His own Spirit, with Himself and one another. Not united with another. So for anyone to ask that of me--I am not my own, to give. I can have no accord with Belial, with Baal. I am united to Christ.
So not only can I not be united to one who does not love that which is the only thing dear to me, I am not free of my own volition so to do: Gladly, am I. So, this is not mere forbidding. It's loving submission to the One in whom I have life--to the only One in whom I have life, love, and true liberty. And in that, I am gladly not my own to give. No matter the asking nor the asker.
No matter what any carnal desire might plead otherwise. And no matter whatever love.
I will pray, and I will seek the Lord. And His will will be done. I trust Him in this.
Wednesday, February 13, 2019
In the Midst, there is Peace: Christ is Liberty
So--the confusion...
Yesterday, after deciding yet again to be faithful to the Lord inasmuch as He gives grace and opportunity and wisdom to do so by His strength and not my own (I am feeble and weak and don't have the tenacity of even a gnat, let alone that which would do any sort of justice to the cause of honoring the God of creation)...and committing myself to Him, regardless whether the matters around me make sense..
..and being reminded of the Gospel, that it's Christ who has bought my freedom. And He is the one who intercedes for me, still. And that it's not my might nor strength, but by His Spirit which I am to live and serve Him..
..then, it suddenly became clear to me that at least some vast portion of the cause for the confusion which had so overwhelmed last week, into this week, has to do with attempting to rely upon my own understanding of circumstances as means of discerning the right course.
To back up just a bit further...
Yesterday, after deciding yet again to be faithful to the Lord inasmuch as He gives grace and opportunity and wisdom to do so by His strength and not my own (I am feeble and weak and don't have the tenacity of even a gnat, let alone that which would do any sort of justice to the cause of honoring the God of creation)...and committing myself to Him, regardless whether the matters around me make sense..
..and being reminded of the Gospel, that it's Christ who has bought my freedom. And He is the one who intercedes for me, still. And that it's not my might nor strength, but by His Spirit which I am to live and serve Him..
..then, it suddenly became clear to me that at least some vast portion of the cause for the confusion which had so overwhelmed last week, into this week, has to do with attempting to rely upon my own understanding of circumstances as means of discerning the right course.
To back up just a bit further...
Sunday, February 10, 2019
Battling Confusion: Return to the Gospel, Turn to Christ
Getting distracted is so easy. So many points of consideration and so many possible interpretations exist for much of what's in the world. Getting distracted from truth doesn't require anything more than simply wondering, to wander.
And in the midst of being so concerned regarding deviant doctrine, my own failure is often to fixate on deconstructing the ideas represented to the exclusion of remembering Christ. Such a dark place to revisit, time and again.
There are so many points of grief, now. And such a need for healing, still. My own desperate state of needing further deliverance unto God is become increasingly apparent. Stricken more deeply with a clearer recollection of some of the darkness which had been my modus operandi, prior to Christ, on top of the despair over finding so many doctrinal matters to be more deeply devastating...and I'm undone more deeply.
Barely held together, loosely but by His grace.
The Lord has been so gracious. A storm is still raging, so to speak, but He has been keeping me from being utterly tossed about. Such that although I'm still unable to even maintain cognizance of the passage of days linearly, nor to follow a thought necessarily to its end (and even find myself again and again going back and forth, even self-contradicting on minor points)...then, still, back to God thoughts keep turning and being mercifully turned. Back to truth. Back to the fundamental truth which anchors the hope in my soul.
Point being, there's something inherently distracting found even wandering down erstwhile seemingly good paths. And this is a bit confounding to me. Or, perhaps it's confounding--confusion producing--because I keep stepping into it rather than remaining steadfast in the Gospel of Christ and trusting Him to guide my speech regarding what His Word says on matters being confronted.
I don't know. This is just one of those times where there's nothing I can do to maintain other than to "Be still and know that [He] is God." Turning to the right or the left adds to the confusion. Trying to find refuge elsewhere is destructive--seeking for solace in anything other than to dig more deeply into a remembrance of who He is, through His Word and sound words of praise and prayer and fellowship in His Word & Spirit (i.e., not centered around things which add to the distraction, like movies or music or apparently not even some sorts of Biblically derived teachings...but of His Word, of the Bible itself, thoughts need be fixed)...adds to the desolation and despondency and confusion.
So, no. Just to stay near to Him. And not to think afield. Not to be concerned over anything other than what's right in front of me. Neither looking far behind or before me.
Though I do remember some things, now in a different light than before. No longer encompassed by shame, but seen in light of the truth of my deception as my heart had been so darkened by sin. I have been so completely deluded at times, thinking things which were utterly wretched were really "no big deal," for having long had a practice of engaging in them.
I'm conflicted now about the idea of recounting things. So I won't. Because there's no necessity of recounting specific sins nor lifestyle of sin in order to try to fashion some point regarding the tragedy and destructiveness and deceptiveness of sin. No.
And perhaps that's at the heart of the matter of why the turning over and over in my mind the errors of particular doctrine has been such a point of faltering. We don't gain liberty by understanding sin.
We don't free others by being able to offer logical proofs, truly.
It's the Gospel which frees us. The truth of our fallen state and our deserved punishment and of God's own Son's intercession on our behalf.
He has warned us not to be deceived or caught up by philosophies or vain pondering. Fixating on sin and on error does not ultimately free us from either. Though we are to warn one another and go to one another when there is a call to do so, we don't stay in that place.
Or at least, that doesn't seem the general call. From what I see in God's Word, the Gospel is that which we are to guard and share. And by the light of that truth, all else is put to shame and set to the side. Where be those who would treasure Christ.
So, to be led of Him. Not as a matter being taught by man, but growing in grace by the Spirit and the Word of God living within.
Just...there are certain doctrines gone out in the world which take and twist the Scriptures. To appease carnal desires by allowing for man's wisdom, man's development on His on terms, man's exaltation of his own understanding. And even in attempting to confront such things, wholesale, there's a turning from the Lord past a point. Or at least, so it is for me.
It's like...we do mark those who create divisions according to the truth, separating from them. But I can't see staying fixed there. Or at least, personally I find this is another sort of distraction from Christ.
Looking at it another way, I think on what the epistles from the Apostles comprised. Of them all, I think only Paul and John specifically called out particular people for being divisive and contrary to the Gospel. But those points of note, where they occur, weren't in and of themselves the whole of the epistle. Much was said besides which encouraged in the truth of the Gospel and warned about dividing from that blessed truth by being caught up in various bits of discussion about the meanings of words and of genealogies and of various philosophies and ponderings and other sort of things which don't in themselves center on God, on truth, on Christ, on what has been done to deliver us...and on loving one another in light of these truths.
So I don't know. Other than to know that I need to return to focus on the Bible rather than attempting to discern what the right manner of dealing with the world is, regarding weirdness here, there, and everywhere. There is weirdness. There is error. I am not wholly delivered, myself, most certainly. And I do hope and pray and trust He will continue to deliver me, by all means He deems necessary.
This then perhaps is another instance of experiencing the desire to exercise my own understanding, by extrapolating principles from the Bible rather than being led of the Lord in where and how to act and speak. There's a fine line. Because some things are clarion--adultery, fornication, greed, various sorts of lusts...are evil, not of God, and need be done away with. And...yet...realistically even there, it's only been accomplished in my own life by His Spirit's conviction unto repentance and deliverance unto walking more closely with Christ.
Sin is so deceitful, yes. Promising no ill will occur, if just "one little bit" is indulged. And again and again, then unto desensitization--hardening of heart to the deceitfulness of sin, unto a calloused conscience. And the reverse process is again and again like have once-cauterized nerves spring back to life. Painful. There's grief. Despairing of my own wickedness. But being turned toward Christ in the midst of that process, to again fall at the foot of the cross seeking mercy. And being all the more devastated by the reality of His encompassing grace and love. Unworthy. So unworthy. As we all are.
And yet He has had mercy.
So when and where I would judge, Lord let it be with righteous judgment--knowing all the while that Your Word is every bit the aptest judge of me as of us all. Remind us, Lord, that we are all on the same level, none exalted or debased--each need forgiveness, need Your mercy as having each sinned grievously against You. Father help us also to know desperation when seeing others next to us who remain under your wrath, as we know the truth that You have made a way for us to be forgiven in Jesus Christ--in holy desperation unto You, as loving You and loving them, give us the boldness and loving speech to plead truth with them as Your ambassadors. Help us, that we would know all the while we are not pleading any cause other than the very one which we also daily need reminder, being likewise dependent recipients of Your grace, truly at Your mercy. Help us Father to be burdened to extend the mercies which have been lavished upon us to those others whom You have placed us near. Father, remind us above all of Your Son. Help us ever to see Him more clearly, to treasure Him more wholeheartedly, and to give ourselves ever more truly to trusting Him and walking in closer fellowship with Him by Your blessed Holy Spirit, ever reveling in Your Word and treasuring those blessed Scriptures in our heart.
And in the midst of being so concerned regarding deviant doctrine, my own failure is often to fixate on deconstructing the ideas represented to the exclusion of remembering Christ. Such a dark place to revisit, time and again.
There are so many points of grief, now. And such a need for healing, still. My own desperate state of needing further deliverance unto God is become increasingly apparent. Stricken more deeply with a clearer recollection of some of the darkness which had been my modus operandi, prior to Christ, on top of the despair over finding so many doctrinal matters to be more deeply devastating...and I'm undone more deeply.
Barely held together, loosely but by His grace.
The Lord has been so gracious. A storm is still raging, so to speak, but He has been keeping me from being utterly tossed about. Such that although I'm still unable to even maintain cognizance of the passage of days linearly, nor to follow a thought necessarily to its end (and even find myself again and again going back and forth, even self-contradicting on minor points)...then, still, back to God thoughts keep turning and being mercifully turned. Back to truth. Back to the fundamental truth which anchors the hope in my soul.
Point being, there's something inherently distracting found even wandering down erstwhile seemingly good paths. And this is a bit confounding to me. Or, perhaps it's confounding--confusion producing--because I keep stepping into it rather than remaining steadfast in the Gospel of Christ and trusting Him to guide my speech regarding what His Word says on matters being confronted.
I don't know. This is just one of those times where there's nothing I can do to maintain other than to "Be still and know that [He] is God." Turning to the right or the left adds to the confusion. Trying to find refuge elsewhere is destructive--seeking for solace in anything other than to dig more deeply into a remembrance of who He is, through His Word and sound words of praise and prayer and fellowship in His Word & Spirit (i.e., not centered around things which add to the distraction, like movies or music or apparently not even some sorts of Biblically derived teachings...but of His Word, of the Bible itself, thoughts need be fixed)...adds to the desolation and despondency and confusion.
So, no. Just to stay near to Him. And not to think afield. Not to be concerned over anything other than what's right in front of me. Neither looking far behind or before me.
Though I do remember some things, now in a different light than before. No longer encompassed by shame, but seen in light of the truth of my deception as my heart had been so darkened by sin. I have been so completely deluded at times, thinking things which were utterly wretched were really "no big deal," for having long had a practice of engaging in them.
I'm conflicted now about the idea of recounting things. So I won't. Because there's no necessity of recounting specific sins nor lifestyle of sin in order to try to fashion some point regarding the tragedy and destructiveness and deceptiveness of sin. No.
And perhaps that's at the heart of the matter of why the turning over and over in my mind the errors of particular doctrine has been such a point of faltering. We don't gain liberty by understanding sin.
We don't free others by being able to offer logical proofs, truly.
It's the Gospel which frees us. The truth of our fallen state and our deserved punishment and of God's own Son's intercession on our behalf.
He has warned us not to be deceived or caught up by philosophies or vain pondering. Fixating on sin and on error does not ultimately free us from either. Though we are to warn one another and go to one another when there is a call to do so, we don't stay in that place.
Or at least, that doesn't seem the general call. From what I see in God's Word, the Gospel is that which we are to guard and share. And by the light of that truth, all else is put to shame and set to the side. Where be those who would treasure Christ.
So, to be led of Him. Not as a matter being taught by man, but growing in grace by the Spirit and the Word of God living within.
Just...there are certain doctrines gone out in the world which take and twist the Scriptures. To appease carnal desires by allowing for man's wisdom, man's development on His on terms, man's exaltation of his own understanding. And even in attempting to confront such things, wholesale, there's a turning from the Lord past a point. Or at least, so it is for me.
It's like...we do mark those who create divisions according to the truth, separating from them. But I can't see staying fixed there. Or at least, personally I find this is another sort of distraction from Christ.
Looking at it another way, I think on what the epistles from the Apostles comprised. Of them all, I think only Paul and John specifically called out particular people for being divisive and contrary to the Gospel. But those points of note, where they occur, weren't in and of themselves the whole of the epistle. Much was said besides which encouraged in the truth of the Gospel and warned about dividing from that blessed truth by being caught up in various bits of discussion about the meanings of words and of genealogies and of various philosophies and ponderings and other sort of things which don't in themselves center on God, on truth, on Christ, on what has been done to deliver us...and on loving one another in light of these truths.
So I don't know. Other than to know that I need to return to focus on the Bible rather than attempting to discern what the right manner of dealing with the world is, regarding weirdness here, there, and everywhere. There is weirdness. There is error. I am not wholly delivered, myself, most certainly. And I do hope and pray and trust He will continue to deliver me, by all means He deems necessary.
This then perhaps is another instance of experiencing the desire to exercise my own understanding, by extrapolating principles from the Bible rather than being led of the Lord in where and how to act and speak. There's a fine line. Because some things are clarion--adultery, fornication, greed, various sorts of lusts...are evil, not of God, and need be done away with. And...yet...realistically even there, it's only been accomplished in my own life by His Spirit's conviction unto repentance and deliverance unto walking more closely with Christ.
Sin is so deceitful, yes. Promising no ill will occur, if just "one little bit" is indulged. And again and again, then unto desensitization--hardening of heart to the deceitfulness of sin, unto a calloused conscience. And the reverse process is again and again like have once-cauterized nerves spring back to life. Painful. There's grief. Despairing of my own wickedness. But being turned toward Christ in the midst of that process, to again fall at the foot of the cross seeking mercy. And being all the more devastated by the reality of His encompassing grace and love. Unworthy. So unworthy. As we all are.
And yet He has had mercy.
So when and where I would judge, Lord let it be with righteous judgment--knowing all the while that Your Word is every bit the aptest judge of me as of us all. Remind us, Lord, that we are all on the same level, none exalted or debased--each need forgiveness, need Your mercy as having each sinned grievously against You. Father help us also to know desperation when seeing others next to us who remain under your wrath, as we know the truth that You have made a way for us to be forgiven in Jesus Christ--in holy desperation unto You, as loving You and loving them, give us the boldness and loving speech to plead truth with them as Your ambassadors. Help us, that we would know all the while we are not pleading any cause other than the very one which we also daily need reminder, being likewise dependent recipients of Your grace, truly at Your mercy. Help us Father to be burdened to extend the mercies which have been lavished upon us to those others whom You have placed us near. Father, remind us above all of Your Son. Help us ever to see Him more clearly, to treasure Him more wholeheartedly, and to give ourselves ever more truly to trusting Him and walking in closer fellowship with Him by Your blessed Holy Spirit, ever reveling in Your Word and treasuring those blessed Scriptures in our heart.
Wednesday, February 6, 2019
The Grief of Pleading
Again and again, there have been instances of pleading Christ with others to no response. To reviling, to mockery, once to brief assault, and often to total insensate apathy.
I am reminded, yet, that I err so grievously myself, again and again. As though it makes a difference to the truth of who Christ is that I am a wretch (and very much more than most, apart from God's deliverance). And yet He has had mercy upon me. Even me. He has condescended to allow me the grace of seeing any vital aspect of the horror of my sin and vast, consuming righteousness of His wrath upon it...yet borne by Christ Himself, God incarnate, that I could be redeemed. What a wretched matter it is, then, to ever sin. So, I despair of that, but in light of remembering that His work is not finished.
And all the more to be driven to despair over the plight of many who refuse Him still, for the sake of whatsoever else would seem desirable, besides. Oh, just to remove the blinders for a moment! That some small sliver of realization of the magnitude of who Jesus is and what He has done would get through! In context also of a draught deep of realizing the absolute horror of what it is that we have done by turning even away from the Almighty God, the Great Creator and Sustainer of our every being! Such a One who is love, and who alone is good!
But our hearts are dull.
Even mine so much moreso than ought. Too busy frittering away time in puerile amusements like social media--which, though a minor redemption may be had of studying Biblically founded articles thereby...then still, how much more fulfilling to have given that time to poring over the Word of God, itself?
With commentaries, interlinear translations & lexicons, parallel translations, or what have you...as sides. Yet with the core of focus His very Word?
So much more delightful, on the whole. For a heart more wholly given over to delighting in Him.
Yet the deceitfulness of sin is unto blindness. A heart which is insensate to the glory of God in Christ, preferring its own contractions.
We are all so blind, on this count. Again and again. So wracked with fear and confusion. Deceived and being deceived.
Except for grace.
Were He not long-suffering and merciful, we would all be consumed. For He is a consuming fire, this God of the universe which is the only god.
None other. One creator. One sustainer. One being. And yet...three persons in His one being. Father, Son, Spirit.
Incomprehensible to a degree. Which, if He were able to be grasped by us...then He would be less than beyond us.
His glory is infinite and will endure forever. His Word is purer than all things. And true. And life is in Him. Should we come to Him, at least.
And lay all else aside.
The grief of pleading upon deaf ears is beyond bearing. But He is the strength to continue. He is the strength to yet rejoice. In Him, that is. In knowing He will be glorified. In knowing His ways, though beyond comprehending, are utterly and wholly good. And His will will be fulfilled.
All these things, so much more.
There are not words sufficient to ring His praise. They fall flat in attempt. The highest praise and honor are due Him, and yet they cannot aspire unto Him. For He is so far beyond all, nothing can approach.
Though everything subsists in Him.
To plead of Him, then, is to plead of the resplendent light and joy of warm summer mornings to those who live in dank caves, subterranean, having no taste nor craving for else.
Except that the very One who has breathed the breath of life into our race should bow to again breathe life, by His Spirit, into each one...
...none will come.
And yet, despite the grief of pleading the joy and glory of all Hope, incarnate...unto the perishing, beloved sat beside...insensate and bent on refraining from Him...
...then, still, there is a sweet solace in turning to the One who died to redeem us, knowing that for Him this all is so much more keen. And for Him, nothing is impossible.
The dead do yet hear His voice. When their Shepherd speaks, they rise. They come.
So, as it was written,
I am reminded, yet, that I err so grievously myself, again and again. As though it makes a difference to the truth of who Christ is that I am a wretch (and very much more than most, apart from God's deliverance). And yet He has had mercy upon me. Even me. He has condescended to allow me the grace of seeing any vital aspect of the horror of my sin and vast, consuming righteousness of His wrath upon it...yet borne by Christ Himself, God incarnate, that I could be redeemed. What a wretched matter it is, then, to ever sin. So, I despair of that, but in light of remembering that His work is not finished.
And all the more to be driven to despair over the plight of many who refuse Him still, for the sake of whatsoever else would seem desirable, besides. Oh, just to remove the blinders for a moment! That some small sliver of realization of the magnitude of who Jesus is and what He has done would get through! In context also of a draught deep of realizing the absolute horror of what it is that we have done by turning even away from the Almighty God, the Great Creator and Sustainer of our every being! Such a One who is love, and who alone is good!
But our hearts are dull.
Even mine so much moreso than ought. Too busy frittering away time in puerile amusements like social media--which, though a minor redemption may be had of studying Biblically founded articles thereby...then still, how much more fulfilling to have given that time to poring over the Word of God, itself?
With commentaries, interlinear translations & lexicons, parallel translations, or what have you...as sides. Yet with the core of focus His very Word?
So much more delightful, on the whole. For a heart more wholly given over to delighting in Him.
Yet the deceitfulness of sin is unto blindness. A heart which is insensate to the glory of God in Christ, preferring its own contractions.
We are all so blind, on this count. Again and again. So wracked with fear and confusion. Deceived and being deceived.
Except for grace.
Were He not long-suffering and merciful, we would all be consumed. For He is a consuming fire, this God of the universe which is the only god.
None other. One creator. One sustainer. One being. And yet...three persons in His one being. Father, Son, Spirit.
Incomprehensible to a degree. Which, if He were able to be grasped by us...then He would be less than beyond us.
His glory is infinite and will endure forever. His Word is purer than all things. And true. And life is in Him. Should we come to Him, at least.
And lay all else aside.
The grief of pleading upon deaf ears is beyond bearing. But He is the strength to continue. He is the strength to yet rejoice. In Him, that is. In knowing He will be glorified. In knowing His ways, though beyond comprehending, are utterly and wholly good. And His will will be fulfilled.
All these things, so much more.
There are not words sufficient to ring His praise. They fall flat in attempt. The highest praise and honor are due Him, and yet they cannot aspire unto Him. For He is so far beyond all, nothing can approach.
Though everything subsists in Him.
To plead of Him, then, is to plead of the resplendent light and joy of warm summer mornings to those who live in dank caves, subterranean, having no taste nor craving for else.
Except that the very One who has breathed the breath of life into our race should bow to again breathe life, by His Spirit, into each one...
...none will come.
And yet, despite the grief of pleading the joy and glory of all Hope, incarnate...unto the perishing, beloved sat beside...insensate and bent on refraining from Him...
...then, still, there is a sweet solace in turning to the One who died to redeem us, knowing that for Him this all is so much more keen. And for Him, nothing is impossible.
The dead do yet hear His voice. When their Shepherd speaks, they rise. They come.
So, as it was written,
10“THEREFORE I WAS ANGRY WITH THIS GENERATION,
AND SAID, ‘THEY ALWAYS GO ASTRAY IN THEIR HEART,
AND THEY DID NOT KNOW MY WAYS’;
12Take care, brethren, that there not be in any one of you an evil, unbelieving heart that falls away from the living God. 13But encourage one another day after day, as long as it is still called “Today,” so that none of you will be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin. 14For we have become partakers of Christ, if we hold fast the beginning of our assurance firm until the end,15while it is said,
“TODAY IF YOU HEAR HIS VOICE,
DO NOT HARDEN YOUR HEARTS, AS WHEN THEY PROVOKED ME.”16For who provoked Him when they had heard? Indeed, did not all those who came out of Egypt led by Moses? 17And with whom was He angry for forty years? Was it not with those who sinned, whose bodies fell in the wilderness?18And to whom did He swear that they would not enter His rest, but to those who were disobedient? 19So we see that they were not able to enter because of unbelief.
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