So--the confusion...
Yesterday, after deciding yet again to be faithful to the Lord inasmuch as He gives grace and opportunity and wisdom to do so by His strength and not my own (I am feeble and weak and don't have the tenacity of even a gnat, let alone that which would do any sort of justice to the cause of honoring the God of creation)...and committing myself to Him, regardless whether the matters around me make sense..
..and being reminded of the Gospel, that it's Christ who has bought my freedom. And He is the one who intercedes for me, still. And that it's not my might nor strength, but by His Spirit which I am to live and serve Him..
..then, it suddenly became clear to me that at least some vast portion of the cause for the confusion which had so overwhelmed last week, into this week, has to do with attempting to rely upon my own understanding of circumstances as means of discerning the right course.
To back up just a bit further...
I'll also mention that a further realization was that this particular, recent matter of attempted reliance upon my own comprehension and insight was a slip back into the realm of my former ways--those prior to turning to Christ as my Lord and God, the Only God, the King of all Creation.
Prior to submitting to the truth of that reality--acknowledging and walking in light of reality, moreover, as rightly seen--I was perfectly content with doing everything to the extents of my any-present ability to gauge and weigh every factor accessible directly and indirectly as means of ascertaining the "lay of the land" and "likely consequences" and "possibilities inherent" and "interworkings" and so on and so forth of whatsoever circumstances I ever found myself in or found myself considering as a potential course for pursuit or endeavor. So to prioritize and gauge "best" courses of action or thought or pursuit, as discerning what life's "greatest fulfillment" had ought to possibly entail.
Listening to people--weighing and considering the various perspectives & experiences & insights of folks from all walks of life and various nationalities (bartending in the French Quarter of New Orleans allowed for many such things); exposing myself to a wide variety of experiences; poring over any philosophical or occultic or esoteric or historic or scientific or whatsoever else matter of treatise on life and reality and meaning existed as accessible or seemingly worthwhile...all such was engaged as to enrich and further the breadth and depth and width of criteria for an ongoing sort of cross-battery assessment intended toward gauging "meaning" in reality and life. All very loosely done--not openly discussed in general, and intended more as a means of pursuing truth and meaning for my own private purposes than as any sort of public or shared experience of reality. Although...in instances where I felt to have achieved degrees of success in attaining unto some unwavering/absolute sense of meaning/purpose/fulfillment, I strove to share and encourage others along such paths unto "their own likewise fulfillment."
It was madness. Total insanity. Absolute denial of reality: Defiance of God as somehow "irrelevant."
Much of the process of striving to discern "meaningfulness," again, was of an intellectual and spiritual pursuit. Experiential developments were also part, but being the most difficult to enact were thus the least usually adapted on a large scale (apart from moving to Florida and also to New Orleans and endeavoring things considered potentially fulfilling, of each). Intellectual fluidity and spiritual "exploration" was not something I considered restricted by much of any constraint (other than my own limitations, as a single being--thus plumbing the depths of other minds, continually), though. But given that prevailing difficulties with anxiety and depression overshadowed the progression of all these, the whole mess was one mass of self-contradictory and ultimately very destructive self-aggrandizement.
Because the core presumption underlying all these matters was an unwavering denial of God's sovereignty and preeminence, in preference of exalting my own intellect and understanding to the point of a quasi-godhood--as though I was or am capable of perceiving well and objectively enough to be able to gauge all truth independently, without need of a reference to the One unto whom all truth ultimately does refer.
But I believed if I understood general concepts of scale and operation sufficiently, I could extrapolate any concept sufficiently so to establish an understanding of the breadth and nature of variation of all operations in reality (as patterns are evident everywhere)...as to be able to understanding or foresee pretty much anything worthwhile. All without reference to God. In defiance of Him, moreover--excluding His necessity while all the while ultimately depending upon the very precepts of operation (within reality's consistence) which He, in His wisdom, ordained.
But. Since coming to know Him, He has increasingly set me straight on these matters.
Not only am I not much at all, according to any human standards. But He has let it be known according to His Word that His very foolishness (were there in reality such a thing) is even still wholly wiser than the utmost wisdom of man. His ways are utterly and wholly above our ways--beyond discerning, except that He reveal them: In His Word, by His Spirit giving understanding of matters which truly are beyond the human ability to conceive or comprehend.
So glimpses are humbling, when seen truly: Completely devastate the notion of self-reliance and aptitude.
Period.
Point being, I had slipped some ways back into those old habit of attempting to weigh reality against itself--independent of reference to God--in order to discern Word of Faith and Prosperity Gospel and New Apostolic Reformation / Charismatic errors...such as present a different Gospel and a different Christ than those of the Bible. Having spent many hours contemplating these things and pleading them with someone arguing their cause--ears deaf to the Gospel--I had begun to adopt that other's perspective as a "seeming honor of the other"--subconsciously slipped back into belief that it's necessary and honorable to always take on the other person's perspective, wholly, as to be able to understand how to get through to them.
Just...nope.
Not a thing. Those latter bits constitute steps away from Christ. Steps away from reliance upon God. Steps away from reflecting upon knowledge of Him and trusting Him to guide. Steps away from resting secure in a faith in Him which arises simply and most securely from knowing Him and loving Him for who He is (by grace), as by His Word & Spirit, and taking Him at His Word (by His Spirit's witness).
So...I was trying to figure out a means of approaching matters of doctrinal error humanly. In order to bridge the gap of comprehension.
Which...
It's God that gives the increase. He is the one who raises the dead. He is the one who opens deaf ears. He is the one who gives sight to the blind. He is the one who gives hearts of flesh for hearts of stone.
If it were humanly possible to do these things, according to my own understanding and strength...?
...the Gospel would be other than it is.
But the good work we're told we must do, instead, is to believe on the One whom the Father sent. Take up my cross and follow Him, even.
That other--getting someone to believe and understand--is the work of the Holy Spirit. It's Christ who is the author of faith.
Period.
So, my attempt after discussion with WoF/PG/NAR/etc. proponent to thereafter go and pick apart the deviant theology according to the same reasoning used to uphold it?...was itself a deviant effort.
The Gospel of Christ is what causes that which seems gold and yet is imitation to be known for what it is. Not human pondering. Human reason can't accomplish spiritual means. But by grace we're saved, through faith. Washed by His Word. Set free by His Truth. By coming to know and treasure the truth of who Jesus is. In light of understanding what our sin is and has been. And being stricken by the terrifying reality of God's wrath against sin. And the incomprehensible mercy of Jesus coming to save sinners like me and like you. And stricken by the fact of His dying on the cross to atone for our sins, bearing our sins in Himself as a propitiation. Entering death, the second person of the Triune Godhead endured the incomprehensible. And He resurrected. Eternally glorified, from all time past and into eternity. He reigns.
So, turning to Him...believing Him for who He is, recognizing the truth of who we are, and being stricken by that reality...humbled and repentant and desirous of mercy...?
...other lesser "gospels" falter.
The reality of the horror of sin and the terror of God's wrath, realizing some truth of the utmost awfulness of His holiness and majesty...?
...strikes other "gospels" dumb.
...seeing we are due and are under wrath. And realizing that for every bit as much as we have ever and are ever self-exalting, we deserve that wrath, eternally...?
...puts to utter shame the "gospels" which call us worthy of all authority and pleasure on earth.
...and seeing the very God of all power and might and authority and holiness humble Himself by taking on human flesh--God-man, wholly each--so to walk the perfect life in attendance of the order He ordained of all creation, so to be the means by which both justice and mercy could manifest unto us...?
...makes repulsive & revolting all "gospels" where "Jesus" tells people that they, too, are "just like him"...are "Christs incarnate."
...and on, and on...
...even unto considering those first of His called and sent--boldly proclaiming the Gospel, empowered by His Spirit to endure and rejoice in Him in the midst of all rejection, despising, reviling, suffering, beating, poverty, and also enduring deaths unspeakable...?
...utterly derides and marks grievous the self-exalting, demonically-inspired and empowered (where spiritually empowered) "super-apostles" and "prophets" of today who dare to blaspheme the name of Christ as some epithet of their spiritual "muses," "guides," and "mentors."
...all to say, don't be deceived. As in:
"Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap. For he that soweth to his flesh shall of the flesh reap." Galatians 6:7-9
These are all scary words for me, too. Reflecting on the awesomeness of God is both terrifying and humbling. I'm also very fearful for those who still reject Him, while also specifically grieved to consider loved ones who continue to mock and deny Him. Even as I fear to fall short of Him, too...except for remembering Christ and casting myself again and again upon His blessed mercy, at the foot of the cross. Undone by grace. Unworthy. Grateful.
None of us is any more exalted than another--that's the thing. We're on even ground, no matter where we're coming from of circumstances or culture or ability: We've all sinned. We're all under His wrath. We all need Christ's atonement, or otherwise we choose to face the wrath of God ourselves.
I hear bits of things about people thinking that there are many who haven't heard of Jesus, though--people thinking this is not fair. But that, too, seems confused. God is God of all the earth. And the Judge of all the earth. As Abraham said: Will He not do what is right? Has He not sent His only begotten Son? Did He do so, with intent to keep it secret?
He has ways which are way beyond ours. His thoughts are inconceivably beyond ours. We do not know or understand all the things He has going on. He's God. But one thing we can know with certainty, because He has clearly revealed this in His Word and in His Son: God is far more invested in our salvation than we could ever be.
Like...on the one hand.. How is it Spurgeon put things?: Something about, "the only thing we add to our salvation is the sin which made it necessary?" And that is not a slur against Christ, but the acknowledgment that we bring nothing of value or worth, no matter how "good" we think we've been before or after coming to Christ--no matter how "well" we think we may have done. Unprofitable servants, He said. At best. And yet He loved us enough to give us His son. So, how much more will He freely give us all things...yet things necessary to our holiness, sanctification, and edification in Christ?
But thinking we wholly know His ways or understand how He operates--we perhaps need to pause and remember who we consider. He is God.
Likewise, of my confusions: Thinking somehow it was within my grasp to conceive a means of bridging a gap which only Jesus Himself has made possible to span...is absurd, at best. Wholly off-base. Falsely founded, so followed then only further confusion.
Trying to understand circumstances which are so infinitely beyond me is like that: He knows the things. I just know Him. And strive to know Him all the better--all the more intimately, and all the more obediently by grace, unto ever burgeoning love for the One who fashioned me and gave me new life by His own death and resurrection.
Loving others, as part of loving Him, arises over course. He has loved and died for them, not wanting any to perish unto wrath. He knows and loves more than I do. So to love Him is to love others, too--others for whom He also died.
But I forget that I'm intended to know Him and honor Him and not be caught up by concern over the intricacies of "how things work" in the temporal: Difficult, except for remaining focused on Jesus.
Paul experienced a great deal of rejection and maltreatment...which prompted some professing Christians to abandon him--in the latter statements of his second epistle to Timothy, he notes that many abandoned him as such. Not for the first time, this sort of thing he noted. But thinking that Paul's imprisonment was a sign of God's rejection of Paul, some professing Christians rejected him and turned away from him. Leaving him because they considered him abandoned by God, it seemed.
Circumstances don't dictate reality, is what I'm driving at. Circumstances don't even necessarily reflect reality, in terms of what people think of carnally as being "good" and "bad."
People still reject Paul on similar grounds, though, now even as then regarding his imprisonments and death.
Similarly, of other saints.
But it's just as Jesus said: If they (ie, the world defiant of God) called Him beelzebub, then why should we expect different?: It is enough for the servant to be as his Master, for the student to be as his Teacher.
This world rejected Him. So also us. He and His apostles have told us to expect these things. If we're following Him.
There are admittedly aspects of my day to day life where, if I think carnally on matters...fear arises, on this front: Not wanting to "rock the boat" and get thrown overboard due to remembering obligations I've made for myself of financial circumstances. So not wanting to neglect obligations--not wanting to dishonor God by failing to honor obligations I've made even since submitting to Him--fear sometimes arises at the thought of having myself wholly ousted in the workplace, if walking wholly with Him at some point comes to a place of being as bold as He sometimes gives elsewhere. Unto rejection and despising and other weirdness. (Which...truly makes it clear that it is better to owe no man anything except love.)
But the reality of circumstances is that if honoring God costs me this--the easiest present means of meeting my obligations--then He will provide another means to honor Him by honoring my commitments. No matter how trying circumstances might become, I know He will give strength and ability. And guidance in how to proceed. No matter how many might reject circumstances or denounce me or otherwise despise me or whatever. If Christ be glorified and the Gospel go forth that He would give increase in the hearts of any...
...then what does it matter if I'm at a momentary loss of ease?
So, however goes. I will trust Him to guide in how to honor Him best and love Him and others, walking uprightly in my affairs.
And this has cost me family and friends, in varying ways and capacities and to varying degrees of despising and reviling--to follow Christ and honor Him and others per such course...in truth, with truth. Has cost what had been most dear. And...He has sustained me, again and again. All the more. And has even led to a small yet blessed close fellowship with a dear handful of others who also ardently desire to honor Him above all else.
And where there is contention for the faith in the midst of any fellowship, otherwise? Then however He wills, to proceed. I serve Him, I follow Him. I trust Him to lead and guard and guide and help me honor His Word and will--including the ordained need to continue to congregate with other believers, especially as the end proceeds. And I know, too, honoring others only exists in truth if it arises per the course of honoring Him foremost. Lovingly, all, then.
I have been reminded today of a couple/few instances of being threatened, upon turning to Christ and professing to follow Him wholly. First, threatened that if I followed Christ with all I am, I would lose everything. Told it would be better to "just be a normal Christian"--"just have a family, a nice house in the suburbs, and go to church on Sunday," because otherwise I'd lose everything dear to me. The second time this threat was made, the Lord had already given me peace deeper than my fears--peace to know that He is worth it, wholly worth all things. And also I had peace to know I wouldn't be able to handle the loss of all things dear--period--but by His grace and His strength, I was convicted of the truth that He would guide and sustain me, in the midst. And He has. Again and again.
I've been threatened, too, that whatever it is that I do, attacks will come upon myself and those dear to me. That nothing will be secret, nothing sacred. That even my very thoughts would give me away, betraying vulnerabilities.
But even there--who am I? I'm nothing. I've erred in so many ways, so many times. Prior to coming to terms with the reality of Christ's preeminence in all things, I was so steeped in sin that absolute travesties of depravity seemed like minor distractions--seeming useful to kill time and get a thrill out of life once more. So, I am nothing--especially having some inkling of the horror of my life prior and the reality of the mercies extended to me. And so I have nothing of value to bring to anything except Christ's redemptive work in me and the knowledge of Him and striving by His Spirit to live in right relation with Him and thereby others. I know that I have nothing which is other than what I've received. So, what does it matter if I'm reviled? Jesus is my only justification. I have none else--nothing redeeming in and of myself, apart from what He has endued: For knowing anything of the darkness of my own heart, prior, I could not viably confirm nor deny any charge against myself...for fear of defiling the hearers or even of erroneously claiming something of "my own justification" before men as though come by my own works or somewhat lack thereof--on any count. Whoever stumbles at one point has broken the whole of the law (James 2:10)...though, admittedly I am being a bit liberal of this interpretation.
But the point is--I don't have a means within myself to exalt myself in the eyes of God or man by attempting to justify myself in the eyes of either...so neither do I have the wisdom to avail myself of any pretense at self-protection on such a front. Rather, I can only submit to the Lord. I can agree with God's verdict of guilt, and turn to Christ seeking mercy. Trusting Him alone as my justification and redeemer. So, too, I trust God to guide me, knowing I don't have sense enough or sufficient knowledge of the all and whole of circumstances from eternity past unto eternity future even just to know what's best for the present in any instance of interaction or effect. Further, I submit to Him as knowing He moves beyond my knowledge, even as His Spirit guides--I acknowledge His will restrains and in all ways affects creation to ensure the whole of proceedings will ultimately culminate unto His glory, which is ever to the good of those who love Him. So, I know He is wholly capable of guiding my hands without my foreknowledge or awareness of it being the case--even if just to move me ever so slight to one side or the other as some sword might strike through the air to otherwise pierce my very heart had not He imperceptibly and unexpectedly intervened. And in any such instance of perceived harm--should He choose not to intervene as to preserve life or reputation--then I know too that is according to His will unto to His eternal glory. This, of myself and of those who are dear to me, too. No matter the pain, the griefs. I know these things for knowing Him and ever seeking to know Him better through searching His Word, dwelling there, meditating on the things He has said and recorded, and praying for a desiring to understand Him better. I love Him and want to know Him better, for sake of loving Him and others better.
All of latter bits are to say...prospects of threatened attacks upon myself and those dear to me are not a fear, when rightly regarded in the light of God's wisdom and magnanimous, sovereign omnipotence.
Knowing Him is liberty from fear: Regarding rightly the reality which is beyond mere temporal matters. That's a constant battle, though, in the midst of distraction.
These are all so many words. But I've been reflecting, by His grace, on what it is to truly walk in the light of His truth: Not in darkness, being confused and blind and fearful of matters on all sides. But remembering Him in the midst of all confusion, knowing that to Him darkness is as light. He knows it all, from eternity past. And He's ever watchful and guides. And shows Himself strong on behalf of those who trust in Him.
Though it may be like driving in fog so thick the road seems to have no curves or edge, I need only what is in front of me and by His light to faithfully slowly follow His guidance as to honor Him and love Him and thereby also others. Trusting Him, seeking Him, seeking to know Him better all the more. No matter what surrounds, of circumstances. But to rejoice in the One from whom all good gifts proceed.
So, although I may not see beyond this moment, I perceive eternity in light of the glory of God revealed in the face of Christ Jesus--who, though I have yet to see Him, I do love Him and dearly hope to honor Him increasingly ever more all the days of my life and in eternity yet to come.
Do you know Him? Go to Him, then. We must trust God, if we are to endure.
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