Getting distracted is so easy. So many points of consideration and so many possible interpretations exist for much of what's in the world. Getting distracted from truth doesn't require anything more than simply wondering, to wander.
And in the midst of being so concerned regarding deviant doctrine, my own failure is often to fixate on deconstructing the ideas represented to the exclusion of remembering Christ. Such a dark place to revisit, time and again.
There are so many points of grief, now. And such a need for healing, still. My own desperate state of needing further deliverance unto God is become increasingly apparent. Stricken more deeply with a clearer recollection of some of the darkness which had been my modus operandi, prior to Christ, on top of the despair over finding so many doctrinal matters to be more deeply devastating...and I'm undone more deeply.
Barely held together, loosely but by His grace.
The Lord has been so gracious. A storm is still raging, so to speak, but He has been keeping me from being utterly tossed about. Such that although I'm still unable to even maintain cognizance of the passage of days linearly, nor to follow a thought necessarily to its end (and even find myself again and again going back and forth, even self-contradicting on minor points)...then, still, back to God thoughts keep turning and being mercifully turned. Back to truth. Back to the fundamental truth which anchors the hope in my soul.
Point being, there's something inherently distracting found even wandering down erstwhile seemingly good paths. And this is a bit confounding to me. Or, perhaps it's confounding--confusion producing--because I keep stepping into it rather than remaining steadfast in the Gospel of Christ and trusting Him to guide my speech regarding what His Word says on matters being confronted.
I don't know. This is just one of those times where there's nothing I can do to maintain other than to "Be still and know that [He] is God." Turning to the right or the left adds to the confusion. Trying to find refuge elsewhere is destructive--seeking for solace in anything other than to dig more deeply into a remembrance of who He is, through His Word and sound words of praise and prayer and fellowship in His Word & Spirit (i.e., not centered around things which add to the distraction, like movies or music or apparently not even some sorts of Biblically derived teachings...but of His Word, of the Bible itself, thoughts need be fixed)...adds to the desolation and despondency and confusion.
So, no. Just to stay near to Him. And not to think afield. Not to be concerned over anything other than what's right in front of me. Neither looking far behind or before me.
Though I do remember some things, now in a different light than before. No longer encompassed by shame, but seen in light of the truth of my deception as my heart had been so darkened by sin. I have been so completely deluded at times, thinking things which were utterly wretched were really "no big deal," for having long had a practice of engaging in them.
I'm conflicted now about the idea of recounting things. So I won't. Because there's no necessity of recounting specific sins nor lifestyle of sin in order to try to fashion some point regarding the tragedy and destructiveness and deceptiveness of sin. No.
And perhaps that's at the heart of the matter of why the turning over and over in my mind the errors of particular doctrine has been such a point of faltering. We don't gain liberty by understanding sin.
We don't free others by being able to offer logical proofs, truly.
It's the Gospel which frees us. The truth of our fallen state and our deserved punishment and of God's own Son's intercession on our behalf.
He has warned us not to be deceived or caught up by philosophies or vain pondering. Fixating on sin and on error does not ultimately free us from either. Though we are to warn one another and go to one another when there is a call to do so, we don't stay in that place.
Or at least, that doesn't seem the general call. From what I see in God's Word, the Gospel is that which we are to guard and share. And by the light of that truth, all else is put to shame and set to the side. Where be those who would treasure Christ.
So, to be led of Him. Not as a matter being taught by man, but growing in grace by the Spirit and the Word of God living within.
Just...there are certain doctrines gone out in the world which take and twist the Scriptures. To appease carnal desires by allowing for man's wisdom, man's development on His on terms, man's exaltation of his own understanding. And even in attempting to confront such things, wholesale, there's a turning from the Lord past a point. Or at least, so it is for me.
It's like...we do mark those who create divisions according to the truth, separating from them. But I can't see staying fixed there. Or at least, personally I find this is another sort of distraction from Christ.
Looking at it another way, I think on what the epistles from the Apostles comprised. Of them all, I think only Paul and John specifically called out particular people for being divisive and contrary to the Gospel. But those points of note, where they occur, weren't in and of themselves the whole of the epistle. Much was said besides which encouraged in the truth of the Gospel and warned about dividing from that blessed truth by being caught up in various bits of discussion about the meanings of words and of genealogies and of various philosophies and ponderings and other sort of things which don't in themselves center on God, on truth, on Christ, on what has been done to deliver us...and on loving one another in light of these truths.
So I don't know. Other than to know that I need to return to focus on the Bible rather than attempting to discern what the right manner of dealing with the world is, regarding weirdness here, there, and everywhere. There is weirdness. There is error. I am not wholly delivered, myself, most certainly. And I do hope and pray and trust He will continue to deliver me, by all means He deems necessary.
This then perhaps is another instance of experiencing the desire to exercise my own understanding, by extrapolating principles from the Bible rather than being led of the Lord in where and how to act and speak. There's a fine line. Because some things are clarion--adultery, fornication, greed, various sorts of lusts...are evil, not of God, and need be done away with. And...yet...realistically even there, it's only been accomplished in my own life by His Spirit's conviction unto repentance and deliverance unto walking more closely with Christ.
Sin is so deceitful, yes. Promising no ill will occur, if just "one little bit" is indulged. And again and again, then unto desensitization--hardening of heart to the deceitfulness of sin, unto a calloused conscience. And the reverse process is again and again like have once-cauterized nerves spring back to life. Painful. There's grief. Despairing of my own wickedness. But being turned toward Christ in the midst of that process, to again fall at the foot of the cross seeking mercy. And being all the more devastated by the reality of His encompassing grace and love. Unworthy. So unworthy. As we all are.
And yet He has had mercy.
So when and where I would judge, Lord let it be with righteous judgment--knowing all the while that Your Word is every bit the aptest judge of me as of us all. Remind us, Lord, that we are all on the same level, none exalted or debased--each need forgiveness, need Your mercy as having each sinned grievously against You. Father help us also to know desperation when seeing others next to us who remain under your wrath, as we know the truth that You have made a way for us to be forgiven in Jesus Christ--in holy desperation unto You, as loving You and loving them, give us the boldness and loving speech to plead truth with them as Your ambassadors. Help us, that we would know all the while we are not pleading any cause other than the very one which we also daily need reminder, being likewise dependent recipients of Your grace, truly at Your mercy. Help us Father to be burdened to extend the mercies which have been lavished upon us to those others whom You have placed us near. Father, remind us above all of Your Son. Help us ever to see Him more clearly, to treasure Him more wholeheartedly, and to give ourselves ever more truly to trusting Him and walking in closer fellowship with Him by Your blessed Holy Spirit, ever reveling in Your Word and treasuring those blessed Scriptures in our heart.
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