One verse which has been going through my mind a lot lately, prayerfully, and for the past few years is "unite my heart to sing your praise." I've been mulling over what this actually means, while increasingly recognizing so much internal conflict and confusion and difficulty remaining submitted to the Lord rather than constantly concerned with appearances or outcomes. This latter constitutes a disunity of heart--being torn between concerns for worldly, temporal (illusory) matters versus wholeheartedly desiring to honor God and others via submitting lovingly to His guidance..
...and actually, looking now for that verse--it's been long enough since reading it (which only would require five minutes away from the Word, really, if that)...I've not remembered the verse quite right.
12I will give thanks to You, O Lord my God, with all my heart,
And will glorify Your name forever.
And will glorify Your name forever.
From Psalm 86. Pleading with the Lord.
Part of the "disconnect" which has been made apparent to me recently has had to do with my desire to consider myself less sinful than I am and have been. My perception has been so skewed--and this still does fall under category of "concerned with appearances," constituting a serious distortion of reality by any means--I've adapted this weird sort of distance from things of the past. This, as though somehow to acknowledge the sinfulness of sin and the wretchedness of my life before Christ (and the sinfulness of sin, still--though He's delivered me from many things, the temptation returns at times so the capacity for still sinning as grievously as once done is still very real and not to be taken lightly for being known to be grievous)..
...as though even to acknowledge my waywardness and wretchedness and fickleness and duplicities...
...somehow would tarnish who I am, in Christ. As though the shame is all wholly still mine. For shameful things I have done.
But the reality is...the whole of my lifestyle and manner of thought, before submitting to God--even my general fickleness and refusal to maintain stances which would be substantial as unto contention amongst any then-present company--all was idolatrous of self and others, wholly defiant against God, and fully deserving of not only public shame but also God's wrath and damnation. Period. Beyond even my present ability to conceive, still.
All of it was thus shameful, horrific...treacherous. Grievous.
And I'm not saying that some sins are ultimately less worthy of punishment than others, given the destruction wrought by each and the travesty made of all reality and relationship with others, especially...
...but I'm just coming to the point of being more fully united internally in recognizing and accepting the truth of the matter that I have no justification for myself. Nothing, apart from Christ. None of us do, though, is the thing.
Some of the things I'd done (which I'm not detailing at this point--sometimes the recounting of sin can truly be defiling)...are exceptionally terrible. I should be dead and in hell, at the very least. I used to joke about going to hell, actually. My bar friends and I would laugh about it, and I remember saying something about having "front row" sort of "seating"--as though acknowledging that my sinfulness was excessive of most--thereafter saying I would save them a seat, since my would be a position of prestige and I'd likely end up there first due to be on a fast-track there, expecting death at any moment because I knew I was courting it by defying God at every turn, mockingly and brazenly if not quite as explicitly as could have been the case. I think at times, it was almost a dare. That I would dare Him to kill me, since I was in that instance exalting myself as though above Him by claiming I'd be satisfied if He would do so--as though what ever He did to me, I couldn't care less because He didn't control the way I felt about things.
But for His own purposes, the Lord didn't have things go that way... He restrained deserved consequence. And I have found forgiveness in Christ--in knowing Him for who He is and being brought to grief over the life I led, opposing so diametrically One who exhibits and embodies (for lack of better terms) true goodness and love.
Which still isn't to say that consequences could not come, still. I still deserve to be halt and maim. I still deserve to be imprisoned and despised. I still deserve to be diseased and wholly rejected. I still deserve a terrible death. I still deserve hell. All though He has led me to make amends where possible to do so--just as part of becoming honest and increasingly forthright about dealing in truth. That hasn't always gone well (rarely has it). Especially with family--many of whom I just am not in contact with, for various reasons. Maybe someday, again, but only the Lord knows. But I still pray.
My family doesn't like to deal in truth, though. That should have been apparent to me, had I been more conscious of my own ways and means of being prior to coming to know Christ--especially as having been the hub of family doings from time to time. For that to have been the case, given that I was at heart wholly opposed to God...it does evidence their defiance as well, to have sought "truth" and "comfort" and "peace" and "communication" through me. So, from what I've thus far experienced amongst those who were previously close enough acquaintance to interact with as a normal part of life...I've become increasingly aware that truth utterly enrages, embitters, and fills the heart with a barely restrained desire for murder (or at least torture). Same as it used to, of me. So, same as used to be the case, of myself, truth is refused, rejected, despised, set aside, and reinterpreted to fit whatever narrative is necessary to justify keeping it wholly out of the picture. Truth is maligned.
And I'm not going back to living in that darkness, even though it means and has meant stepping away from people I love. Though the Lord leads me through the valley of the shadow of death, then that is still a vastly different matter than making my own choice to once more reject truth by considering it insufficient--as evidenced by willingness to knowingly forsake, in favor of comfortable lies or pandering.
Which was much of my life, before Christ. I just didn't care. It didn't make any difference to me to speak out of both sides of my mouth, per se--saying the exact opposite thing to two different people and considering each thing as valid was something I had no qualms with due to my nihilistic, existentialist, relativistic, etc. ad nauseam, worldview.
And I keep being confronted with the reality that many people who have known me for a long time, or at least been on the sidelines of my life in some capacity--coworkers, classmates, distant relatives, people regularly greeted in community, people whom I used to interact with to any extent--could for varying reasons still all reject or despise or discount or attack or disclose or howsoever else regard my past as wholly incongruent with my present. As though I have no "right" to call myself a Christian because of the things I once loved and did. Or even because of the wretchedness of any sin, still--though the Lord keeps me from grievous things, then still I am not perfect. But He is working and leading me to deeper and ongoing repentance, bit by bit gaining more liberty from sin to serve Him more freely. So it's not about my sinfulness, so much as it's about despising the reality of the cross of Christ--that He has sufficient mercy to forgive me and any of the rest of us who might opt to actually deal with the reality of our state of defiance against our Creator and Sustainer, God. Because I'm not exalted above anyone. Period.
So whatever others think or whether or when new attacks come (as some have) doesn't matter, apart from Christ--knowing Him and serving Him and loving Him and being stricken with the reality of sin and what it means of the judgment to come...for each of us unless we turn to Him...makes me yearn to share the truth of who He is and what's He done that we can be freed and can be reconciled to Him in peace and unto eternal forgiveness and sanctification? Oh, I am so grieved to know His offer is to the world and we reject Him, to our own utter horror and damnation.
But there's hope, in Christ. Even of my own wretchedness--He has delivered me from so many things which used to utterly consume my thoughts and compel me in various directions, seeking satisfaction but finding none which lasted... He has delivered me to love Him and long to serve Him and others more wholeheartedly. So although I grieve the sins which remain and cry out to Him for deliverance...I take courage and strength in turning to Him for forgiveness and deliverance, while knowing too that someday sin won't be a part of life any longer. Someday it won't, at all...in eternity.
But till then, the fact of the matter is that though...as Paul kind of put it...my "inner man" delights in the law of the Lord...I find myself doing the things I do not want to do, and not doing those things which I want to do and know I'd ought. And again and again, am reminded more deeply of my need for Christ's deliverance, His grace, the mercies which are new every day, and of His forgiveness and direction in how to walk more uprightly before Him and others.
Since following Him, as it goes, I've found myself again and again caught up in the deceitfulness of sin. And again and again, all I can do is cast myself on His mercies and plead to be changed--that I would not have desires which conflict with my desire for the Lord. But just as was written, walking by the Spirit is what gives grace not to fulfill the deeds of the flesh. Yet I find myself entranced again and again by amusements which are not of God--various movies, which are avoided in general but which clients request to see (though I refuse ones which are exceedingly overtly wicked, to whatever extent possible...if a case could be made that anything coming out of Hollywood isn't innately in some fashion overtly wicked)...time spent in needless indulgence of social media...I've been faltering enough on that front to have gone back to internet dating a couple times, even. Gratefully this latter has not proceeded to the point of actually meeting with anyone. Thankfully.
Which, I don't know--maybe some of these things aren't necessarily destructive for everyone? But for me, temptation to indulge in carnal thinking and desires arises quickly when my mind isn't stayed on the Lord and being directed to Him through my pursuits and activities and interactions. Which...giving in to the desires of the flesh as even to court temptation in such a way--knowingly, for having experienced the same sorts of temptations again and again over course of indulging in these matters, again and again--should serve as sufficient evidence that these things for me are unto sin.
Because I can't enter temptation knowingly again and again without eventually giving in to the deceitfulness of sin. Sin's deceitful promise of fulfillment of any particular carnal matter does not even provide satisfaction, but only feeds a desire for further indulgence--whether immediate or over time. So, when given into, my heart again and again becomes less sensitive to the conviction of the Holy Spirit--I've at that point rationalized matters to a false point of relativistic equitability, by reasoning that temptation is perhaps not so bad which leads to an eventual capitulation to sin along lines of being "good for food (ie, satisfaction of a need), and pleasing to the eye (ie, desirable)."All false and completely forsakes the knowledge that sin is unto death. As evidenced by the cross of Christ being what it took to atone.
In other words, the only hope is Christ--remembering that my sins took His cross to make recompense, propitiation wholly indicates my sins are not small matters. Sin is deceitful that way, though--again and again beguiling to delusion that somehow that which took the death of my Savior is somehow not horrid and reprehensible and full of grief for Him and for me...
But to remember this all serves to deepen grief over sin, increasing awareness of the incomprehensibility of Christ's mercy and faithfulness to forgive--also keeping me aware that I dare not exalt myself above others who live in sin at any point, realizing I'm not righteous according to my own natures or deeds, recognizing also I am prone to fall hard and fall quickly apart from Christ's keeping...such that I would not warrant myself incapable of any sin, but must defer to Him always. No temptation overcomes any of us except that which is common to man. Period. So the most horrific crimes I've heard? The most grievous sins I'd committed prior to Christ? Apart from His mercy...I have no place to consider myself above likewise faltering. His Word judges us all.
Along which lines, to note--I've known the desire to murder, before, I know that's a temptation which could return...if I stray or were let to stray from the Lord, sufficiently. Even suicide is murder, so I have in fact attempted murder many times. So...I'm humbled and grateful murder is not a constant in my heart, now, though it could easily still be. If I were to stray from Christ and be full of distraction and thus of fleshly, carnal impulses and thought again. Same as all the rest, the other sins.
There's been such temptation lately, is all. Particularly of desire for a husband, rather than to trust the Lord to guide and lead and give what is needful. My desire for fulfillment apart from Christ and His Word and fellowship with the saints has been brought into sharp focus, per this. And as usual--such matters have not at all been helped by many unchangeable factors in present life. So, all I can do is plead with the Lord for mercy, to give me the strength to endure and to draw nearer to Himself. To turn again and again to His Word, to return again and again to prayer. And to ask others to pray, as well.
Because marriage is not a situation I can any way reasonably force into being--same as of the rest of life's compulsions. I used to try, though--I forget often that I used to be very focused on finding a "lifelong companion," before coming to Christ. I used to try to force the issue. But never met anyone who was simultaneously someone I would have been willing to marry while also being someone who was willing to marry me.
Of that--it's easy enough to deeply desire to marry someone, so long as it's not actually an option...and then to wholly recant as soon as becomes feasible. That's what idolatry is made of, being delusion: wanting something only so long as it's unavailable and then finding it repulsive upon accessibility, thus experiencing disillusionment again and again (unto deeper and broader illusion, though, if such a course is maintained).
When this desire arises again--especially when in context of someone seeming to make intimations at being interested in some capacity, and particularly if ill-advised or impossible--I've often been bereft of all reason except to just cast myself on the Lord and trust Him to guard and guide me. My desires conflict at these points--I want other than the Lord and yet want to want Him more. And I've been misled and have been misleading too many times in my life to think I have any clear means of discerning the right way forward with anything "romantic," regardless: The whole deal is too rife with idolatry, unto all manner of rationalizations against truth...I know I am not safe to cut my own path.
Which...at least in Christ I do have stability, nonetheless. For one, I wholeheartedly know that no matter how captivating or inspiring or riveting or compelling or endearing or kind or charming or handsome or gracious any man might be--and even if I do love such a man, by any means seeing and cherishing something precious and dear and desirable of the image of God in him--then still, unless such a man is in right relationship with God through Jesus Christ (having turned to Him and walking with Him in loving fellowship)...as much as it would certainly break my heart if ever that were the case, then still I could not marry him.
That would be entering covenant with someone who utterly maligns, reviles, mocks, rejects, and despises everything which is most precious, dear, beloved, honored, cherished, and desired to me. Reality could never be rightly cherished and increasingly pursued (unto sanctification and deepening faith in God) with such a one. Because the blindness which prevents from seeing the beauty and majesty of God, of Christ, is also the blindness which prevents from open fellowship with me, in the light of and rejoicing within truth--pressing in and onward toward every more fully walking in the holy light of the love of Christ, unto greater liberty in Him..with discernment so to do which only comes by His indwelling Holy Spirit.
I remember, too, thinking I respected Jesus prior to actually coming to Him in submissive repentance, acknowledging the truth of my sin, the wrath upon me, and His mercy toward me in the cross and His death and resurrection. I thought I was "cool with" Jesus. Thought we were on good terms. Even defended His divinity to someone in New Orleans, at one point--someone saying Jesus never even existed. I defended both His existence as historical fact and His divinity as being evident in how He presented Himself, especially following it all up with His resurrection. But I didn't consider Him any greater than any other "truth system," at the heart of matters. And I certainly did not admit to the wretchedness of my sin, because it "wasn't so bad, and I was only doing whatever seemed right, and what was compelling...so how could I be blamed?" I told people I used my evil for good. And meant it. Because I considered myself a "free agent," of sorts. I did not defer to God. And I sought Him only on my own terms and not on His...because my mindset justified my own perceptions and prerogative as being at least equal to God's, thus as deserving as credence and so utterly viable.
I exalted myself as though I were equal to God, in other words. Which was a lie. And until He confronted me with the reality that He alone is in control of life and death and not only that but the manner of life is something which He can allow for sin to destroy or can restrain consequence so to allow for "ease" of sin's devastating effects each to each... ...until then, I considered myself His equal. So I didn't have a problem taking up for Jesus. Because I considered myself His equal, learning to walk in spiritual power myself, and authority. If quietly.
Further, He evidenced to me that there were situations which I could not effect to any degree. (And later also evidenced that when I did effect situations, it was only because He permitted such travesty.) Such that I had to acknowledge that He could make ways where there were none, whereas I could only "make ways" where they were conceivable. And being in such a situation of impossibility, I could do nothing but submit to Him...being shown utterly powerless and in need.
And it was after that point of submission that He began to reveal also that Jesus's identity as God means I defer to Him, period. Not as an equal. But as a subordinate. As a creation. Never the Creator. Never capable of being His equal.
And that...being full-on, unavoidably confronted with that reality and the implications of my own relative insignificance and subservience...brought to light the truth of my abject hatred of Christ. Which...was so vociferous and unwavering that I was utterly shocked. I had no idea I wholeheartedly hated Jesus Christ, whom I had considered an honorable and respectable and noteworthy divine. Whose divinity I'd once argued the case for. As well as other things, regarding Him, which seemed to me to indicate and embody respect for Him.
But no.
He brought me to a point of capitulation by confronting me with the reality that the truth of His divinity and my subservience doesn't change based on whether or not I presently choose to deferentially acknowledge and walk in right regard to this truth. And that moreover, unless I came to terms with the reality of His sovereignty over me here and now and made amends through Him, with Him, then I would nonetheless be unavoidably confronted with this same reality in the hereafter, unto damnation as the consequent and real natural outworking of rejecting and despising my Creator and God. But that nonetheless I would unavoidably be confronted by and unable to countermand the truth...I would defer to Him, one way or the other, because it's the fact of reality that He's God.
And upon realizing that, it was more simple--if I can either deal with it now, or deal with later to great consequence...then I may as well be reconciled with reality here and now, because it is what it is.
He is who He is.
Shortly after that, He confronted me with the reality of His abject goodness and lovingkindness even unto the horrid death on the cross, and not merely so but as to atone for my sins--He became utterly beloved in that instance, above all precious and dear beyond compare...thus how utterly horrid and despicable and wretched beyond words are my sins, to have wrought that unto Him as He would make a way for mercy to come to me...with no other way but through His own atoning self-sacrifice for love of me, of us...even as of Himself, to His glory...His love encompasses..
...sin is wretched. Rejection of Christ, more.
Then even knowing these things--having my own eyes opened bit by bit to them all, of Him--how could I love someone who hates everything most dear to me--the One for whom I live, who died for me?...so, how? Christ loved me. He suffered unto death, even that death on the cross...for the joy set before Him. I cannot fathom to be counted such part of--my Lord and my God has given Himself to death--even the mockery, torment, rejection, and shameful, humiliating torture of that death on the cross...that He could redeem me..? ...and God be glorified even in this?. I am nothing, less than nothing. And He has walked as man--my Lord and my God?, walking as man?--He suffered death, buried, and then overcame death? Even for me?
Yet He did--He gave Himself for me (yes, for us). So, too--now that I know and love Him, walking in light of knowledge and reconciliation unto truth--I am His. Which means I'm not my own, to give. And...He has made it abundantly clear for all that He has no intent that His very own people would be united with any other than His own Spirit: He has united those who are His in His own Spirit, with Himself and one another. Not united with another. So for anyone to ask that of me--I am not my own, to give. I can have no accord with Belial, with Baal. I am united to Christ.
So not only can I not be united to one who does not love that which is the only thing dear to me, I am not free of my own volition so to do: Gladly, am I. So, this is not mere forbidding. It's loving submission to the One in whom I have life--to the only One in whom I have life, love, and true liberty. And in that, I am gladly not my own to give. No matter the asking nor the asker.
No matter what any carnal desire might plead otherwise. And no matter whatever love.
I will pray, and I will seek the Lord. And His will will be done. I trust Him in this.
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